Episode 3 Me & Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere

# It's really something

# Getting busy doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running for our lives

# Going nowhere

# It's really something

# Getting busy doing nothing

# Getting busy doing nothing. #

Chloe Bryant says her dad hasn't brushed his teeth since 1997.

-That's disgusting!

-He's a hippy!

-That's one word for him!

-Can I be a hippy, Mum?

-No. Brush!

I've finished. Look!

Oh, wow! It looks lovely. It's taken years off me!

About 35 years, to be exact! Right, come along, you two.

OPERA PLAYS ON HEADPHONES

DOG BARKS VICIOUSLY

ROCK MUSIC BLARES OUT

Oh!

Dude!

# Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel #

CONTINUES SINGING TO ROCK MUSIC

HEADPHONES: Nessun Dorma by Pavarotti

# Oo-oo-ooh

HORN BLARES

Oh, my God! Did I sleep through a rave or something?

Alfie!

-Have you even been to bed?

-A soldier never sleeps, Mother.

I'm trying to kill the Dark Destroyer.

It's a German nerd. He's been trying to annihilate her for 36 hours!

Alfie! How did these get here?

Sorry. They're mine.

Oh.

Right. Can you tidy up now, boys, please?

-Why?

-"Why"?

Because this is my home, not a squat!

Sorry.

-Alfie! Move it, now.

-OK.

OK. Oh, a result! Pepperoni!

I'll just go help her, then, shall I?

Cheers, mate. She can be a bit stressy.

SCREECHES

HORN BLARES

Up yours, Granddad!

Shouldn't you recycle those?

Yes, probably.

Do you think maybe...

..we should at some point...

discuss the kiss?

Yes, probably. But at the moment I feel like I'm being buried alive

in people and sleeping bags and forgotten homework,

odd socks and pizza boxes.

So I vote, if it's OK with you,

that we, er, that we forget that our...our...our...

Kiss.

Thank you. ..ever happened.

That we bury it very deeply,

throw a lot of earth over it,

maybe lay down some concrete

and possibly even erect a conservatory over it.

Like a serial killer would do.

Yes.

We bury our kiss.

Alfie, start tidying up now.

Excuse me.

Alfie, I don't want to have to ask you again! Turn that off!

I will as soon as I've killed the Dark Destroyer and her minions.

-Oi!

-There.

I've killed her for you. Now, get up, sort this out,

and if you're planning on staying around, you need to get a job.

Ooh!

Oh! Oh!

Ding-dong! Knock-knock!

What? I knocked, vocally.

-You should have waited! I could be...

-Jesus, what happened to your hair?

-Jason, I'm not in the mood!

-Blimey, what threw up and died in here?

My son.

-He leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes.

-Like his mum!

-Ha-ha(!)

-Time to get down to business.

My Big Boy's exploded.

-Sounds painful.

-The Big Boy is a foot-long premium sausage

in a light pastry puff drizzled - optional - with a baked bean jus.

-Just a big sausage roll, then?

-It's time to expand the fleet, Gem Gem.

-I'm going to get another van!

-Don't call me that. And this is my business, too,

so I'll check over the accounts and see if we can afford a new van.

-Give Alfie a job!

-No, no way! The boy's a walking disaster!

-You'll need somebody to drive the new van.

-No. Anyway,

I was going to employ a woman.

This is a family business, remember, and Alfie is family. No Alfie,

-no new van.

-He wouldn't want to work with me anyway.

-He will.

-Alfie, where are you going?

-To bed.

It's been a long night, Mother. My thumbs ache.

Get your shoes on. You're working with Jason today.

-Wh...

-No. No words or pulling a sickie or making excuses.

Shoes on, quick sticks, then out to hunt and gather.

No choice, mate. Your mum's gone all Margaret Thatcher on us.

Looks like the lady's not for turning!

-What?

-It's what Margaret Thatcher said.

Jason, if you have to explain it, it means it's not funny.

Girls, time to go! Go on!

Yes.

-Look, Dad, I've got pants on my head.

-Yes, I know.

The girls are going straight from school to Chloe Bryant's.

-Is she the mono-browed one?

-Jason! Yeah, she's the mono-browed one.

-Alfie, come on, mate.

-I'm not your mate!

-Do I have to?

-Come on, you loved doing the sandwich run when you were younger.

-You'd beg me to let Jason take you.

-Now I'm begging you not to.

-Come on.

-Morning all!

Oh, hello, Tom. What are you doing here?

-Yeah, what are you doing here?

-Just passing, you know.

But you live over by the big Asda.

Yes, but I jog all over the place. You know how it is.

-No, I don't!

-Nice trackie, mate.

-Thanks. I thought so.

Pure polyester?

Tom, would you like to come in?

-I wouldn't if I were you. It's disgusting in there!

-No, it isn't.

-He's exaggerating.

-I'm not. I think I saw a rat.

Probably your own reflection. Goodbye, Jason!

That man's a proper pillock.

I think he's the best guy my mum's ever been with.

-I'll drive.

-I don't think so. This is fully loaded with Big Boys.

-It needs a real man behind the wheel.

-Do you know any?

You'll have to go in the back till I drop the girls.

And keep your paws off the produce.

I'll get travel sick back here!

Hey, hey, hey!

Stop eating the profits!

One day, girls, all this will be yours.

Try and contain yourself, girls!

I'm running a women's self-defence class tonight.

Off-shoot of my Taekwondo class. Thought you might like to come?

-Well, that's very kind.

-It could be our first activity date.

Maybe we could grab a smoothie after we've showered down.

Well, in separate showers, obviously!

I'm not sure. I've got the books to do, and the house is a tip,

what with Alfie back and Billy on the sofa, it's chaos.

Hey, Billy could move in with me, if it would help?

-What?!

-No!

Sorry. No, I didn't mean that Billy had to leave.

-I just...

-I've got a box room.

-Wow, that's, um...

-Um... I'm not sure.

-I am being a bit selfish here. Grown-up company would help.

I know you can't get more grown up than my Poppy,

but there's only so much needlepoint and reading aloud from the Diaries of Mao Tse Tung a man can take!

Do you play Canasta?

No. I mean, I can...

That's very kind, Tom, but he's fine here. Aren't you?

-Unless, of course, you want to...

-No. I mean, here is good.

Just a thought to help you out. Here's my card. Call me if you want out of the mad house.

Right. Well, I'm off to look for a job.

-Oh.

-Happy hunting!

Please come.

-Fran is.

-Is she?

Oh. Well, er... OK.

Great!

You know, most people are attacked by someone they know.

I won't attack you, obviously,

but someone else, you know, might.

SQUELCHING

-Move your arse!

-I'm not wearing that poncey cap and apron!

There's nothing poncey about it. I designed it.

-It says, "Professional".

-It says, "Idiot".

Out now.

Come on.

You've got to be joking! I'll look like Little Red Riding Hood!

Get on with it. And don't come back till you've sold the lot.

Hey, have you been eating a Big Boy?

No.

-My, what big teeth you have!

-All the better to eat you with!

Hello to you, Tom.

I squeal when I see you are class leader.

-God dag!

-You are remembering me.

Of course. It's great to see you here.

I'm having two minds for coming

because I'm very strong.

My father and brothers make me join them in combat

with the traditional Swedish Mora fighting knives.

This one, I carry it always.

My father made for me when I left home.

Gosh. Right.

I'm not sure. Perhaps you should...

My problem, Tom, is that my looks attract green-eared monster in other womens.

I'm always sensing an imminent attack from less beautiful woman.

Right. Well, I think I can certainly help you.

I must say, though, that I don't think that the knife is quite what...

Sorry.

I need to get to my locker.

Sorry. Always in the way!

I'll just, um...

Oh...

It's...water.

Where are all the men?

It's a women-only class.

What?!

Hello!

Wow!

I'm so glad you came!

No offence, Tom, but I'm heading to the gym.

I need ripped men, not defenceless women.

-Please stay!

-You'll be fine!

Look, Inca's here.

Yes...

She's very enthusiastic.

All right, everyone. Pair up.

GEMMA GROANS

Gemma, are you OK?

What? Yes. No, I'm fine.

I didn't have a partner

so I was just bouncing.

I'm so glad you made it, Gemma.

I know this is an odd sort of a date,

but you're actually quite good at it for a tiny person.

I'm not that tiny!

Like a tiny, tired sparrow.

Although not all tiny things are defenceless.

Think of the golden poison dart frog.

A mere two inches long, but has the venom to kill ten men!

Who wants to attack Gemma?

Ja!

All right?

She's just popped out the back, mate. Short-staffed.

Right. Thanks.

She's a lesbian, you know.

-Oh, right.

-Yep.

Oh, hey!

-Thanks.

-No problem.

What can I get you?

Probably about half a pint of lager?

-You're Alfie's mate, right?

-Yeah.

Have a half on me.

I'll buy you one back when he gets here.

You know what? Why don't I take it out of your wages?

-You need someone?

-For today, definitely.

My other half has flu.

MAN CLEARS THROAT I've got half a dozen hens arriving at five.

I'd need more than a pint to do the stripper thing.

I've got that covered. But I do need a barman tonight if you can help?

-When do I start?

-How long will it take you to drink your pint?

I never drink on duty.

If it's going begging?

You won't turn her.

I've tried.

Oh. I'll bear that in mind.

See? Wasn't so bad today, was it?

S'pose. Plenty of fit women in those offices, that's for sure.

Yeah, well, keep your eye on the butties, not the hotties is my advice.

Starts off as in innocent flirt and before you know it,

you've set up home and they ask you to get a sperm count.

Anyway, you did well today.

Thanks.

HORN BEEPS

-Right. Out you pop.

-What, here?

-Get the bus. I've got to collect Inca from her self-defence class.

-Makes sense.

She can't rely on you to defend her, can she?

-Why not?

-Because you're physically challenged, like an old, withered badger.

5:00am tomorrow. Don't be late. Here.

HORNS BLARE

Old badger?

Cheek!

Oh, not that bloody nincompoop!

-Agh!

-Ooh!

-Oh, no!

-Bloody hell!

Go on, Gems!

-If only she had the balls to do that when you two were together!

-Isn't there a restraining order on you?

A misunderstanding when the sauna doors got stuck. It was very hot. I could have died.

The guy who got stuck in there with you looked half dead when he came out!

Inca looks like she's enjoying herself!

Must be weird for her sitting on top of a real man for a change!

# You're insecure

# Don't know what for

# You're turning heads when you walk through the do-o-or #

-What's up, Doc?

-That's original(!)

-I try. Nice ears.

-Thanks. Same to you.

-Thanks. Although mine are more like mouse's.

In fact, Alfie's built like a mouse all over.

Yeah, right!

-What can I get you?

-Carrot juice, obviously.

Get your hairy mitts off her!

Right. That's it!

That's right.

It's worked well. You have me overcome!

Hello, Jason.

We're not quite finished yet. If you can wait in the other room for Inca.

-The studio is a soft-shoed area only.

-I'm here to join the class.

But it's not for men, Jason.

I call that sexist.

And that's illegal in some countries.

I'm just as likely to get attacked as any of you. More, even.

True. I know loads of people who want to punch you!

I would be happy to arrange an all-male class, if there's enough interest.

I want to join this one.

Right.

Well, if there are no objections, it might be handy to have another "attacker".

-What an idiot!

-Yeah, I know!

I was talking about you.

I could offer you a couple of shifts this week, if you're interested?

Thanks, but it might not be enough. Might go back home.

If there's nothing for you to stay here for, it makes sense.

Well, there kind of is.

-Alfie?

-He's cute, but no!

It's complicated.

-She's already taken?

-Not yet, but to have halfway is harder than not at all.

-Quite the philosopher.

-It's written in the men's toilets.

So that's why it's important to practise these moves

at home with a partner or a friend.

-Looks like you've got a thrilling night ahead, Gem Gem!

-Shut up!

So you must do what you can to loosen your assailant's grip.

-Bite, scratch...

-I'm professional nail technician

if any woman is needing new nails.

Thank you, Inca. So, who wants to attack me?

Come on, who's it going to be? Anybody?

-Scared?

-No!

I just don't want to hurt him.

Yes!

Oh. Right. I was looking for a lady, but...

Near as dammit!

If you'll join me over here, Jason.

Right. Now, you will attack me.

-It'll be my pleasure.

-And I will overcome you.

-You can try!

In your own time.

BOTH MEN GRUNT

WOMEN CHANT: Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom!

Come on, Jason!

Isn't it thrill to see our two men fight like rabid bears!

I wouldn't call it thrill exactly.

Yield? Do you yield?

I will never yield!

Yield! Yield!

Get up, Jason.

-In a minute, love.

-Are you all right?

Wasn't too rough, was I?

Not rough enough, if anything, no.

-I just didn't want to look like a show-off.

-Don't worry, you didn't!

# Everybody loves a lover

# I'm a lover

# Everybody loves me

# Gee, I feel just about ten feet tall

# I've been having a ball... #

WOMEN CHEER

All right!

What do you say?

Off! Off! Off! Off!

# ..Everybody loves me, yes they do

# And I love everybody... #

Move.

I think I've peaked too early. What time is it?

-It's 6.30.

-I'm gonna be sick!

I ate too many Big Boys!

-Where are all the bunnies going?

-Watership Down.

-Is that a new club?

-Never mind, mate. I'll call a cab and take you home.

OK?

Here we go. Here we go.

I can't understand what you see in him.

What, beyond his generous and kind personality,

-his strength...

-He's so obvious.

If you mean obviously good-looking, then yes, he's obvious.

Look at him. All over her like a dirty rash.

-I don't think he's interested in her like that.

-No offence,

but Inca has powers over men that a woman like you couldn't possibly understand.

-What are you doing, Jason?

-I'm your protector. Me, not him.

-What?

-I want to look after you forever, my delicate flower.

Praise Odin! Is this the proposal?

Not exactly. More a declaration.

Yes! Yes, I will be your wife. I will be Inca Adolphson Jones.

No, hang on. What I meant was...

-We are to be wife and husband!

-One day.

One day. We'll have a long engagement. Aghh!

Ooh. Mmm.

This must remind you of when Jason proposed to you.

He asked me on the family day out at Chessington.

On the log flume.

He'd asked Alfie to keep the ring safe.

Alfie ate it. We had to wait two days to get it back!

Oh.

It is hard, though, when an ex moves on.

I know when Selina and Imran bought their Lexus, I knew I had to try.

Jason and I have been over a long time.

Although it's never really over when you have a child, is it?

Fancy that smoothie?

I think I'll head home. But thanks for tonight, Tom. It's been...fun.

Yeah, you want some? Frankly, it's a relief.

Oh, I can do dirty!

Watch this!

Wow, you just beat Alfie's highest score.

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough.

I'd say you've got some pent-up anger you need releasing.

Not so much anger. More petty annoyances.

Is me being here included in the petty annoyances?

Cos I was thinking maybe I should go...

..home.

Back to Ireland.

Well, you don't have to go that far!

I mean I don't want to push you out of, um...

out of Alfie's life altogether.

So are we saying a bus ride away?

Well, um...

..being a bus ride away would probably stop the kissing.

And, uh...

Well, the kissing always leads to, um...

Well, it leads to...

You know, the complicated thing that happens after kissing.

So, um...

It might be safer.

Then safer it'll be.

I'll be on my way.

What? No! No. No, I mean, you don't have to leave now.

I mean, it's late and the buses are less frequent after 11.

I think I do, otherwise the complicated thing that happens after the kissing might happen.

Oh, right. Right.

Um, well, in that case, I won't kiss you goodbye.

Good. Because neither of us want the complicated thing to happen.

No. No, of course not. No, not at all. Eugh!

Oh, right. Yes. Yes.

Um...

Nice to have had you. Er, staying here!

Goodbye, Mrs Jones.

Goodbye, Mr...

Delaney.

Right.

Delaney.

Billy Delaney.

Right.

Ow! Oh!

Oh!

So I've phoned my father and brothers

and told them about our most exciting news.

My father said he's glad he doesn't have to hunt you down and kill you now!

Great(!)

Let's hold off telling my girls, though, until we have a date. OK?

Jesus!

Oh, Jason, do you feel pain?

Just a bit tender.

I hope your baby-making pods are not damaged.

No, they're all fine.

I just twisted my back at work.

Not the fighting?

No!

That was child's play.

Jason,

I need diamond.

We'll look into getting a ring for you, love,

but I have to buy a new van first.

You put the purchase of a van before Inca?!

More vans means more money for diamonds.

Let's not rush things, love.

-But...

-I just want to enjoy every minute.

I want everything to be perfect for you.

Oh, it will, Jason. I will be the most beautiful bride.

KNOCKING

Yep, come in.

-Hello, mate.

-Hey.

Some fresh towels and a cup of Japanese tea.

It's a yunomi. It has no handle

-so you feel the warmth directly by cupping it in both hands.

-Lovely.

-Right, old chap. I'm going to watch Morse, if you want to join me?

-Thanks, Tom, but I'm knackered.

-No problem. We'll clear out the rest of Poppy's old toys tomorrow.

-Cool.

Yep.

It's great having you here, mate.

-Night!

-Good night!

# I am just a little girl... #

I mean, kissing's not so bad, is it?

Doesn't always lead to...

There's lots of men and it hasn't led to...

Has it?

No.

Night.

Has anyone ever told you you have very weird eyes?

And no funny business!

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere, it's really something

# Getting busy doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running for our lives

# Going nowhere, it's really something

# Getting busy doing nothing. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd