Episode 4 Me & Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# Getting busy, doing nothing. #

MUSIC: "Black And Yellow" by Wiz Khalifa

Fran, I feel like a blind mole.

Is this even a clothes shop?

I'm telling you, this place will have something.

Hey.

# You know what it is... #

Oh, hey.

So, do you need any help?

Oh, right, sorry, I didn't realise you worked here.

I thought you were just being friendly.

I wasn't.

OK, um, yes, I'm looking for something for my son.

-It's his birthday.

-What's his style?

Oh, style, yes, good. Well, it's...it's sort of...

-Scruffy.

-Scruffy chic?

Hmm, just scruffy.

-Palette?

-He means colour.

Oh, um...blue?

# Hit the pedal once, make the floor shake

# Way inside

# My engine roaring... #

Wow! It's a giant Babygro.

-It's a onesie.

-Oh, right, yeah.

I-I was looking for more going-out clothes really.

This is.

What, grown men wear that out and people don't laugh at them?

Oh-oh, right.

Yes, no, I see, I see that you really have to see it on to-to really...

-Appreciate it.

-Yes, yes. I-I think I'll just go for this.

-You know, play it safe.

-That's £120.

-What?!

-Paying for the name.

-Got one with a cheaper name?

-No.

-OK.

Um, well maybe I'll just go for...

something smaller, you know,

like pants.

# Black and yellow, black and yellow

# I put it down from the whip to my diamonds, I'm in

# Black and yellow, black and yellow

# Got a call from my jeweller, this just in... #

-That's £35.

-For pants?!

-You're paying for...

-For the name, yes, I know.

Right, well, I'll...

I'll get some of those, please.

# I'm rocking yellow diamonds

# So many rocks up in my watch I can't tell what the time is... #

I'm old - I'm officially very, very old.

MUNCHING

-DOOR OPENS

-If the ladies want to snog me because it's my birthday,

I'm not going to stand in their way.

-It's a health and safety issue.

-How? They started it.

Fine, but if one of them gets a cold sore, then they'll sue you.

No, they'll sue you, you're the manager.

-Excuse me, what are you doing?

-I thought we'd tell the twins about my engagement to Inca.

They're at Chloe Bryant's having a flower power sleepover.

Her dad's making dreamcatchers with them.

Jesus! Are there any real men left?

Come here, birthday boy.

GEMMA GIGGLES

Oh. Ooh, ow!

It seems only yesterday you were a little chunky-legged toddler

-learning how to walk and talk.

-Yes, some would say still learning.

Right, just enough time for a quick shower.

Er, hang on, what are you doing?

Inca spends hours in the bathroom, you spend what,

five minutes putting a bit of slap on.

-It's easier to have a shower here.

-I don't think so.

-Oh, come on.

I'll give you a lift to Alfie's party in the van.

As appealing as rolling around in left-over sandwiches sounds,

-I'll pass.

-We're catching a ride from Tom.

Tom? Tom?

Why is he giving you a lift?

-Because I invited him to my party.

-WHY?

He's Mum's boyfriend.

Well, yes, although I don't know if I'd go that far - more "friend".

With benefits.

No.

-Anyway, what's it to you who Alfie invites to his party?

-Yeah.

And come to think of it, I don't remember inviting you.

Don't need an invite, do I? I'm family.

GEMMA GASPS

Ah! Mmm.

Oh, come on, Inca's bought a new catsuit!

TOILET FLUSHES

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Evening.

-Sorry, were you waiting?

-Not for long.

Here, that's what happens when you share a house,

you queue for the loo.

-Do you work out?

-Oh, not really.

Oh. When you get to my age, you have to fight the forces of evil.

Yeah, well. Bathroom's all yours. Sorry.

Oh, absolutely don't be.

-No, I've had the new John le Carre novel to keep me busy.

-Right.

-So, two guys getting ready to paint the town red, eh?

-Yeah.

Well, not so much red in my case, more of a burnished orange.

I'd better get moving,

because I told my boss I'd help her set up for tonight.

-So I'm just...

-Oh, yes. I'm glad you got the night off.

-Yeah.

You know, because a chap should be allowed to let his hair

fall to his shoulders once in a while, you know,

-perhaps do a bit of romancing.

-Perhaps.

Oh, have you got your key?

-In case we get separated.

-Yeah.

Because I might stay for a coffee with Gemma...

..post party.

Oh! How is Gemma?

Oh, she's good, yes.

She seems a little less muddled and cluttered and bedraggled.

-Yeah, I like that about her.

-Hmm.

Does Alfie know you're in his clothes?

He won't mind.

-It's a bit tight, isn't it?

-Fine till I get home.

It's not leaving much to the imagination.

Is there any more cake?

-Won't Inca be wondering where you are?

-Mmm.

Inca will be at the exfoliating stage

of her pre-party beauty regime.

She says if I see the flakes of her skin,

it'll take away the mystique of our relationship.

Oh, can you see, you've missed a bit, there?

Oh, just shift over, because I can't take any more.

I'm not sure Tom's your type.

Oh, really? What is my type?

Probably someone less knobish and a bit more like me.

Uh!

Oi!

Gemma, if you ever marry again,

promise the girls won't call him Dad?

Don't worry, they'll only ever call one dad Dad.

And you're fine with them calling two women Mum, right?

-Suits you.

-Hmm.

Check out my bootilicious fine ass!

Right, which one says "Pull me, baby"?

-That one.

-Right, this one it is, then.

Ugh!

Are you wearing pants under that? Otherwise I'll have to burn that trackie!

Ow!

-Good evening, Billy, you look handsome.

-Oh, thanks.

But not as handsome as Daddy, of course.

Have you got a girlfriend?

No, not right now.

Maybe, in 20 years' time, I'll meet the perfect lady.

She'd be a fool to turn you down.

Absolutely, Poppy, those lilting Irish tones are mesmerising.

The other chaps don't stand a chance.

Daddy, please can you pack me some healthy snacks?

Mixed nuts, seeds and dried apricots should do it.

Already sorted, my love.

Ho-ho, look at you, eh?

Standing there...

So majestic, so, er...

Daddy, what do tears do?

Yeah, they increase the heart rate, sweating

-and give us those puffy froggy eyes.

-Yes, so deep breath.

Right, I'm ready to go and stay at Mummy and Imran's for the weekend.

Have a good time at the party, you two.

But NO kissing, it spreads disease.

She is my rock.

Oh, well...

better go and drop off my little young lady

and pick up my little old lady.

-See you at the party.

-See ya.

MUSIC: "Little Old Lady" by Hoagy Carmichael

# Little old lady... #

Oh, oh, no. Oh, too much eyes.

"Hi, I'm Alfie's mum and I'm an old geisha."

Oh, no.

ALFIE GROANS

HE SNIFFS

-How come your sheets smell nice?

-Because I wash them.

-Are you sure you want me to come tonight?

-Yeah, of course.

-I'm worried I look like Boy George.

-Who?

Oh, Alfie!

OK, fine, you look like my mum with bits of make-up on.

-But is it too much make-up?

-I don't know.

Well, do I look like I'm trying to look too young?

Relax, you look old.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

-POSH VOICE:

-I expect that's Johnny English here to collect us.

Deep breath, you can do this.

You...

..ravishing mystical gypsy, you.

Oh, who are you kidding?

Now, prong three of our marriage preparations

will be the nuptial evening.

Oh, I think I know what I'm doing in that department.

You still have some way to go.

But I'm talking about the wedding day entertainment.

Band, disco, karaoke? John the Fish is a great wedding DJ.

Yeh-son, I'm not asking, I'm telling.

My brother and fathers will begin by playing the Swedish folk song

"Trettondagsmarchen" and I will accompany them on my hurdy gurdy.

And then we will make modern and have our first dance.

Dancing's not really my bag.

And that is why I booked eight weeks of dance classes.

I'm just better static.

You will dance rumba with me.

You will be my prop.

Oh, hang on, I'm in a crucial stage, pre-buff.

I too am at a crucial stage, Yeh-son.

The Rumba is slow...and sensuous.

The woman first flirts...

-and then rejects the partner.

-Oh!

-Grrr!

My rhythmic body action and angry sexuality will spotlight our love.

You are very luck-filled man.

I'll be dead within a year.

You look like a young Jane Seymour tonight, Gemma.

-Oh, thanks.

-This car is sweet!

Thanks. I'm sorry I haven't pre-warmed the seat for you,

-I wasn't sure you were coming with us.

-Do these TVs work?

Are you OK?

Er, yes, I'm sorry, just getting a bit hot from the seat warmer.

Oh, so sorry, too high?

-Are you looking forward to tonight?

-Oh, yeah, should be top.

Got Billy as my wing man, so I expect we'll be pulling big time.

Mmm-hmm, Billy's like catnip to the ladies - Poppy's definitely smitten.

I suspect she's not the only one, wouldn't you say, Gemma?

Me? Smitten?

No, I mean I'm not...

Oh, but you don't mean me per se, you mean women in general find Billy...

-Well, yes, I mean, no, er, I mean...

-Hot flush, Mum?

No, no.

-I think you turned the seat heater up instead of down.

-Oh, sorry.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

DANCE MUSIC

Mate.

-Hmmm.

-You're not going to believe it, The Tooth is in the building.

-The Tooth?

-Tim The Tooth, old school mate.

He's brought his sister and her friend, guess what?

They're models and I'm not talking Page 3, I'm talking about real,

with you know, like long spaghetti legs and swooshy hair.

The Russell Brand look doesn't really do it for me.

Come on, mate, you and me - models.

Don't you think they're a little bit out of our league?

Well, for you, maybe, but tonight, my friend,

I've got the birthday pulling magic.

-Oh, hi.

-Hello.

-How are you?

Yes, good, thank you. How are you?

-Yeah, good.

-Yeah and I'm good, too.

I'm trying to persuade Billy to join me in my quest to snog a model, so...

-Oh, right.

-Yeah, but like I say, I'm not really that into it.

Why not?

Well, I just thought...

-I think you should go for it.

-See.

Really?

-Yes. I mean, you're young, single.

-Almost attractive.

With nothing to stop you or hold you back.

Why wouldn't you?

Oh, Alfie...

I got you a, er, birthday blob.

Nice one, mate.

Hmm, Mum, you remember Tooth, don't you?

-Of course, who could forget Timothy.

-All right, Mrs Jones?

This is my sister, Amy.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-And this is Lisa.

-Hello.

Oh! Oh, oh, no.

-Oh, sorry, totally my fault.

-Yeah, I know.

You OK?

Yes.

Yes, yes, I'm fine.

-LISA:

-What about me? I just lost my drink.

Right, I'll get you another one. Come on.

Oh, God, does it look terrible?

-AMY:

-Yes.

I think the stain really brings out the colour of your eyes.

-Hi.

-Oh!

I'm Amy.

Tooth's sister.

Not his girlfriend, in case you were wondering.

Oh, well, thanks for the background information.

-I like to be up front.

-So I see.

I used to really fancy you when I was about 12, Mrs Jones.

-Oh.

-I had the tooth removed.

Oh, yes, Timothy, I can see that, well done.

-I'm not sure it's school policy to be enforcing...

-Laugh.

-I'm sorry?

-Laugh like I've said something really funny.

But you haven't. Oh, have you?

Now.

I'm trying to get the big bouncer's attention.

-Yes, he is a big chap, isn't he?

-Mmm.

He is Tom, he is. Oh, laugh again now.

Oh, OK, thanks, that should do it.

You can go now.

I mean, I don't want him thinking I'm taken.

Just one more laugh before you go.

Oh, yeah, thanks for the offer,

but I'm after something bigger.

The wedding is going to be the most important day of my life,

so I, Inca, would like to ask you, Alfred, to be a part of it.

Hmm? Right.

-You're my stepson.

-Not really.

You are funny little boy.

-How about you be the usher?

-Um, I...

You will be doing it with my three brothers, who are all 6'4",

so they might be making you look like a tiny elf.

Where's Tom?

It seems Tom is smash hit with young women.

I expect they feel sorry for the old codger.

He's younger than you.

Yem-ma, you look like you've been stabbed in the heart.

Oh, yes, I had a little run-in with a large glass of red wine.

Missed your mouth again?

We go to the lavatory like English women do.

We go together.

He is totally fit.

Billy? Yeah, you should SO go there.

I am SO going to go there and he is SO not going to know what's hit him.

You SO can't not.

You should SO go there.

WHINY VOICE: "I'm so going to go there."

-Well, I've so been there.

-Is that you there, Yem-ma?

Oh, um, yes.

I just wanted to say

that obviously Yeh-son and I want you at our wedding.

I know it sounds a bit odd-bod for an ex-woman to be there,

but I just really want girls as bridesmaids,

and if you hold on to Tom, then he will look great in the photos.

Oh, right, thanks.

I'm sure the girls will love it.

Yeh-son is being in charge of the wedding

and he is being plenty secretive.

He says that it might take some of the time,

as everything is looking to be booked.

Oh, this will be the best wedding ever.

I'm sorry if the whole Jason and I not being divorced yet

is holding you up.

I'm sure we can sort it pretty easily.

DOOR OPENS

You are not going to pigging believe it!

-What's wrong with her?

-What's up?

There's a cat out there wearing the exact same dress as me.

I have told her to go home and change, for her own good.

She doesn't stand a chance with me around.

That's interesting.

You ready, Inca?

I will be with you shortly, please to proceed without me.

INCA SCREAMS

MUSIC PLAYS IN BAR

NEW SONG STARTS

Tune!

I remember the first dance at my wedding.

Viennese Waltz.

-Selina was a vision in Navajo white.

-Sounds wonderful.

I thought it would last forever.

Some marriages last forever. Even when they're over.

OTHER DANCERS CHEER

Gemma, would you like to dance?

Oh, no, no, no, I don't think so.

-No, I'm a terrible dancer.

-She's like a buffalo in heels!

Ow!

You don't stand a chance, oh, strong one.

Yo.

Do you do bodyguard work?

Only I've got a body that might need guarding.

Steely stare, I like that.

Got any ideas where a woman my age might go on to after this place?

Home.

Yours or mine?

-Oh, hi.

-Hi.

So, how's it going, living with Tom?

Yeah, good, yeah. How's it going, going out with Tom?

Good.

So you won't be wanting to bury his kiss

under a conservatory, like you did with ours?

I'm not a serial killer...

kisser.

Amy seems nice.

Right, yeah - nice.

You need someone young and free,

with a face that doesn't need ironing in the morning.

-Do I?

-Yes.

And I need someone whose best friend isn't my son.

Do you?

Yes.

Well, it looks like you've got it all figured out then,

you and Tom, and Amy and me.

Hmm, yes.

So you'll be fine with me walking Amy home tonight?

Maybe lingering on the doorstep...

..removing a stray hair

that's fallen across her face just so I can touch her?

Kissing her as we stand there...

..not yet knowing whether or not I'm going to wake up next to her.

And hoping...

I'll hold her all night.

And be the first thing that she sees when she wakes up in the morning.

You'll be fine with that, will you?

WEAKLY: Yeah.

Well, good.

I'm glad we're clear, then.

Right.

-Weren't you, er, going to the toilet?

-Yes, yes, I was, thank you.

Yeh-son, I decide we do not need a big wedding.

-Let's marry for the cheap, like you want.

-Really?

-Oh, great.

-Good. I am thinking then next month at Town Hall.

-Next month? Oh...

-Why we wait? We're in love

-and there is nothing in the world that can stop us, is there?

-Well,

er, there's the, um...

What, Yeh-son? What will hold us back from marrying at once?

-Muscles.

-What?!

Yeah, I want to get muscular for you.

If you're looking for a training partner, I'm your man, Jason.

I could do with stepping up my weights routine.

Well, thanks, great.

Why you squirm like piggy, Yeh-son?

-You all right?

-Yes.

-Your upper lip's all clammy.

-What?

-Oh.

-I have landed a whopper.

The big guy - his name's Nero.

Wow, he looks...

He is taking me for a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet

after he knocks off.

And you know what an all-you-can-eat-buffet is code for, don't you?

-No.

-A love banquet.

Right, right, right.

See you tomorrow.

The lovely Rachel has sent over some shots on the house

-for the birthday boy.

-Free? Great.

Here we go.

Not for me, elderflower presse - driving.

Hey.

Oi, oi, steady on, love.

-Oh, you two should get a room.

-Oh, and you would be happy for that?

Your wife in a mucky hotel room with a more attractive man?

-Ex-wife.

-Oh, really?

Because Yem-ma here is telling me that YOU TWO ARE NOT DIVORCED!

What? No!

That you're still wife and a man in the eyes of the law!

-Mum, is that true, are you still married to Kermit?

-Oi!

Hey, I think everybody should just calm down.

I'm still married. To Selina, not Gemma.

Yem-ma, you will speak the truth.

Are you or are you not married to Yeh-son?

Well, no...

I-I mean, technically I suppose we are, but...

-I thought she knew!

-She didn't!

If I knew he still had the old ball and chain around his knees,

we would not be engaged!

-She means nothing to me.

-Thanks!

-YOU wanted to commit pigamy with me!

-Bigamy.

How could you, Yeh-son?!

-Proposing to young woman when you still have an old wife!

-Oh!

-Hey!

-Oh, look, if you flush the stain with cold water

-and a teaspoon of vinegar, you'll be fine.

-Try this.

Oh!

Inca!

This is Alfie's party, I think this isn't the right place to...

I'm fine, this is good stuff.

You are right, Irish, I am a dignified person.

Yem-ma, I hope we can remain friends.

Yeh-son, you are dead to me!

So I am bagging your clothes for the poor people!

See what you've done now?

-Jabber?!

-Just tell her the truth!

I am blocking your voice, Yeh-son!

-Look, Inca, I...

-Get away from me!

Inca, love of my life, please...

-Oh, your family are more nuts than mine!

-I know, right?

Oh, no.

This is all my fault.

Oh, nonsense, it's...

-Oh, I think I want to go home.

-I'll take you.

LISA GIGGLES

Can you make sure that Alfie gets back in one piece?

-Yeah.

-We will, won't we, Billy?

Don't worry, Mrs Jones.

Inca.

Inca!

Don't do this.

I love you!

A lie is a slice of evil that cuts through the ties of love!

I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you the truth.

I thought I could sort it out in time for the wedding.

Deceiver!

I have held your family in my bosom!

I have thought of Yem-ma as my mother figure!

Your children as my own!

We have ended, Yeh-son.

-Goodbye, heart-killer!

-Inca!

INCA!

COUPLE LAUGHING

What?

Oh, Tom, you didn't have to tidy up.

Just a light dusting.

I've put the cake in the fridge, washed the mugs

and found £40 down the back of the sofa.

What was that for? Not that I'm complaining.

You're a very kind man, Tom.

That makes you a rare thing.

Let me put that in a bicarb soak for you.

We might be able to save it,

but with old dresses, there's no guarantee.

-DOOR OPENS

-Come on, mate.

-Oh, Alfie!

-Mum. Mum...

-Yes.

-Is that you?

He got into a drinking competition with Lisa and lost.

ALFIE GROANS

It's because she's taller than me, she's like a long straw.

And because I lost...

she said that we had to swap clothes instead of numbers.

But don't worry, Mum, don't worry, I kept the pants that you got me.

Oh, Alfie...

Oh, oh, oh, OK, upstairs.

I'll give him a hand. Selina was like a teenage boy when she'd drink.

ALFIE GROANS

-Come on, laddy.

-Careful.

-Up we go.

My bottom's cold. Oh!

ALFIE WRETCHES

I think I'm going to...

My bottom's cold!

-Thanks for bringing him home.

-Ah, it's fine.

Are you OK?

Yes, fine.

Sorry if bringing Alfie home ruined your night.

-It didn't.

-Really?

Because...it seemed like you walked the wrong person home.

-Unless you want to wake up next to Alfie.

-It's not Alfie

I want to wake up next to, it's...

-JASON:

-Gemma!

-Oh, my God!

-Gemma!

-Is that a cat being murdered?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Gemma!

This is all your fault.

Look, I'm sorry I told her, but I thought she knew!

If you'd been honest from the start...

She's kicked me out! I've nowhere to go.

-Well, you can't stay here.

-Why not?

This used to be my place of residence and besides,

I'm the father of your children.

-Do you want me to sleep in a dustbin?

-Fine, one night.

I'll never sleep anyway, I'm too...

-emotional!

-Well, we should go.

Oh, it's probably for the best.

I'm sorry about all of this.

Do you need a lift, or have you made other plans?

No, no plans. Home is good.

Oh.

What are we going to do with you?

JASON SNORES

-MUMBLING DRUNKENLY:

-No, she got up next.

GEMMA SIGHS

Great.

I send the man I want away

and end up with the one I don't.

Silly old fool.

I don't like blue cheese.

# We spend all our time

# Lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# We spend all our time

# Running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# Getting busy, doing nothing. #