Episode 5 Me & Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy Doing nothing

# We spend all our time Running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy Doing nothing

# Getting busy Doing nothing. #

Cheater! Cheater!

CHANTING ON TELEVISION Cheater! Cheater!

That woman is sleeping with her husband,

her husband's father and his father's brother!

Wow. Is that the father?

No, that's the husband.

There's the father.

Oh, dear. He looks very tired.

You'd think she'd wash her hair.

I mean, you know you're going on telly, so you'd wash your hair, wouldn't you?

Well, she's been quite busy.

Maybe she didn't have time.

Inca gives herself an hour's preparation time

before she leaves the house.

You could take a leaf out of her book, Gems.

-You all right?

-Yeah, I just...

I miss her.

The cleanliness, the order, the microbiotic food regime.

You'd never have guessed.

Could you go round and see her for me?

-Oh, no, I don't want to get involved.

-You are involved, you're the reason why I'm here.

No, Jason, you're the reason why you're lying on the sofa

like a giant sausage roll.

-Girls, get a wiggle on - Brownie camp!

-Coming!

Billy!

Sup on my raw veg, will you?

Sorry?

-My gazpacho.

-Oh.

-Have a taste.

Right.

I usually get Poppy's sophisticated palate onto it,

-but she's away at Brownie camp, so...

-Mmm. I'll do my best.

It's a cold tomato-based soup,

originating from the southern regions of Andalucia.

You know, I'm just not a soupy kind of guy.

You know, anything liquidy as a main meal

just kind of creeps my tastebuds out.

-But I'm sure Gemma will love it.

-Well...

I haven't settled on a final menu yet, so...

Oh, um...here.

Try one of these.

A little piece of heaven in a ramekin.

You want me to take a souffle on the bus?

Oh, yes.

Ah.

And text me your thoughts, eh?

LOL, smiley face.

HE CHUCKLES

Right, baggy, crispies and, um...

a little tart.

You should do salads, you know.

I have an irritable bowel.

Oh.

Well, I'll make sure I tell my boss.

Not about your bowel thing, about the salad thing.

I bet you don't have an irritable bowel.

Er...no.

Can I have a cheese and pickle baguette,

-chicken pine nut wrap, and some crisps.

-Mmm, I like your style.

Certainly no bowel issues there.

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY No.

My bowels are fine, thanks.

There's a little something extra in the cheese and pickle baguette.

You are very lucky I was able to fitting you in.

People highly demand me.

Oh, thanks, Inca.

It's just I'm going to dinner at Tom's tonight.

Tom is a snatch.

Catch.

Go behind screen and slipping off clothes.

There are paper pants in there for your safety.

Thanks.

So how are you, Inca?

Did Yason send you?

No.

I didn't tell him I was coming.

He misses you.

My heart is stone, Gemma.

Please onto the couch.

You want a wax while you're here?

Er, no, thanks.

Probably a mistake.

Oh, well, it's just friends having dinner, no funny business.

BELL RINGS

Ooh!

-You are burying your head in the soot.

-Maybe.

What about you?

Aren't you burying your head in the...

Ow!

Tension balls.

Inca, the thing is,

you and Jason are just so...

totally made for each other.

I thunk so too.

He was the deep fried fish to my organic parsnip chips.

The high-cholesterol salt to my filtered balsamic vinegar.

Basically, Gemma, he was the ping to my pong.

Ohh!

-But now I have thrust forward with my life.

-Oh! Ooh!

I have joined husbandhunter.co.uk.

-Inca! Ooh!

-He has broken the hoop of trust!

-Oh, Inca!

-What?

Ooh...

You're hurting me.

Sorry, I forget you're frail.

Turn!

Ooh...

You see this?

Er, no.

This is the white platinum engagement ring that I'm imagining Yason gave me.

It is having a prong set with a round brilliant diamond solitaire,

embraced by a sparkling micro paved halo setting.

Give him the ring back.

Oh, I'm not sure I know how to give back an...

Oh.

-Whoo!

-Ooh!

It is fine. I have a date tonight at the bar.

With businessman Terry Tompkinson 44, from Northwood Hills.

On no, Inca, don't!

Come round to mine and see Jason.

Jason who?

Lie!

HE SIGHS

# Con te...

-# Partiro...

-# Partiro..!

-# Paesi...

-# Paesi...

# Che non ho mai

# Veduto e vissuto con te...

# Lo con te... #

-# Magnifico...

-# Magnifico...

-SINGS ALONG:

-# I'm just a poor boy Nobody loves me

# He's just a poor boy From a poor family

# Spare him his life From this monstrosity.... #

-I'm not listening to that!

-Ooh, now, ssh.

-What?

# Easy come, easy go Will you let me go

# Bismillah! No, we will not let you go... #

I went to see Inca today, and she gave me back her imaginary engagement ring.

-It's over. She's even going on a date tonight.

-She moves fast!

-Jason thinks she's going to take him back.

-Yeah, well, he would.

-You've got to tell him.

-I know. I need moral support.

-I've got plans.

Alfie...

TUNELESS SINGING

Fine.

-Go on.

-What?

HE SIGHS

# Beelzebub has a devil Put aside... #

Er, Jason, now.

There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to blurt it out.

Um...I went to see Inca today, and, er, she said to give you this back.

I'm sorry.

What's she giving back?

-It's the imaginary engagement ring you never bought her.

-She's being dramatic.

-She'll have me back.

-Jason, she's moving on.

She's going on a date tonight.

-She's doing what?

-She's going on a date.

-With who?

-Businessman Terry someone...it's not the point.

-It's not the point...

-Right, I'm going down there.

-No...

-No! And I'm going to give that bloke a jolly good shoeing!

-A shoeing?

-She's a fragile, rare butterfly.

She needs protecting, otherwise she'll just end up

on some rich geezer's wall with a pin stuck through her torso!

I've never loved anyone the way I love her, never.

I'm going down there.

No, Jason, no! You're only going to make things worse.

There's no way she'll take you back if you go down there all guns blazing. Is there, Alfie?

What? Oh, no.

-Say something.

-Er...yes.

Wha..?

Well, yeah, OK, Mum's right.

You'll end up looking more of a plank than you do in that little Slanket thingy.

-Thanks for those pearls of wisdom.

-You're welcome.

-Supposing this geezer's a murderer!

No, I'm sure Inca can take care of herself. But what I do propose is that, um...

-That Alfie go to the bar to keep an eye on her.

-What? No, I can't do that, I've got a booty text.

-Cheese and pickle girl got the number I hid in her baguette.

-This is a family emergency.

So get Billy to do it, he's working at the bar tonight.

Oh, I don't know...

Well, I would feel better if I knew that someone was watching over her.

No, forget it, I'm going there meself!

No, Jason! Stay here, I'll sort Billy out.

I mean, I'll sort it out with Billy.

I'm going to be all alone.

The girls are out.

You're going out.

You're going out.

Inca's even going out.

Oh, good, you're here.

Er, look, sorry,

but I haven't got time for the whole flirty thing you do.

Flirty thing?

-Yes.

-You stay stuff to me and I get all hot and flustered,

and then I'm not sure if it's attraction or the menopause.

-Anyway, I haven't got time for that, I need to get to the point.

-You're doing well so far.

-Oh, thank you.

So...

-..you wanted us to get down to business?

-Oh, yes.

Er...no, it's not about us.

Um, look, I need you to do a little bit of spying.

Well, not spying exactly, more keeping an eye on.

So you want to hire me as a detective?

Er...well not hire you so much, more ask you to as a favour.

Ah, free detective work. You know, I don't normally keep an eye on people for nothing.

Is it Alfie? Is he wearing women's clothes again?

What?

No, er...it's Inca.

Um, she's coming down here to meet businessman Terry someone for a date.

Does Alfie wear women's clothes?

Oh!

Ow!

Listen, I've had to practically sedate Jason with bacon sandwiches

to stop him from coming down here and making a scene.

Well, maybe he should do.

Show Inca how he feels,

stop pretending that there isn't anything...

Is this about us again?

Definitely not, this is spy business.

Would you stop bringing it round to "us" all the time?

Ow!

-Is that how you treat all your employees?

-No, just stop it.

This is serious. If Jason comes down here and starts getting all macho,

-it's going to make things a lot worse than they are already.

-OK, understood.

-So you'd like me to keep an eye on Inca and report back to you?

-Yes.

Do we have code names?

I'm serious.

You text me and let me know what's going on.

Should I intercept if our client is in danger?

Well, yes, obviously.

You want me to put my life on the line for you then?

Now you...stop it. I'm going.

You...

I would.

Yep, so would I.

# At last...

# My love has come along

# My lonely days are over... #

All right?

All right.

I'm just waiting for someone.

Yep, me.

You put your number in my baguette, so here I am.

No. No, I put my number in cheese and pickle girl's baguette.

No. She was the chicken and pine nut.

I'm the cheese and pickle.

Oh...

Ohh...

Well, this is awkward.

Only if you're not gay.

Not gay.

So yeah...

it's a bit awkward.

Oh!

Sorry I'm late.

What's 22 minutes? Nothing's ruined.

-Lovely to see you, come on in.

-Oh, great.

Um, Tom...

The thing is, I...

Jason!

Yes, that's the thing.

Jason.

Just parking. All right, Tom?

Jason's had a bit of bad news.

Inca's on a date.

And I want to go down there and batter the man, but Gemma won't let me!

Yes, sorry, Tom, I just couldn't leave him on his own. It's all been a bit last minute.

I have plenty for three. You're doing the grown-up thing, Jason.

No, I can't do it, I'm not grown-up, I'm going down there.

No, Jason, be sensible. Now, Billy's there and he's going to be keeping an eye on things.

Oh, well, that's all right, then. It's much better this way, Jason.

I made a terrible fool of myself when Selina moved in with Imran.

I exploded at the Asda meat counter, hurling a salami at him.

Wait it out and go and speak to her tomorrow calmly and with dignity.

-I'm so sorry about all of this.

-We've all got baggage, Gem.

Yeah, well, I've brought mine with me.

Literally.

Can I take your coat, Gemma?

And Jason, your, um...

Blankety thing.

Er, Billy...

A couple of pints for me and my date, Cheese and Pickle.

Don't ask.

Did Mum ask you to spy on Inca?

Yeah, she wants me to make notes and update her.

Very James Bond.

Quiz machine?

Sure, why not?

You know, Casanova was a spy,

for the Venetian Inquisitors of State, in between his womanising.

I expect I'd be like him if I was a spy.

I see you more as Mata Hari.

Oh, really? I bet he was cool.

Yeah, she was.

Good luck.

Cheers.

Get your own baguette date.

Now this is a beauty.

Birch wine.

Wine from a tree?

Yep.

You penetrate the bark, let the sap drip into the bottle,

and then you begin the wine-making process.

Dammit, I like it.

So you're a bit of a Bear Grylls, then?

Does he make wine?

No, he eats flies and stuff.

Mm.

-OK, what's the shortest verse in the Bible?

-Jesus wept.

-All right, I'm only asking.

-No, that's the answer.

-The shortest verse is "Jesus wept."

-Ah-ha.

Right, in money slang, how much is a "Pavarotti" worth?

It's C, 30.

-What? No, hang on. It's B, 10 quid.

-Inca, you look lovely!

I know.

It was hard for me to be doing this dress up now that I am alone.

I'd be happy to help you with your zip.

There is no zip.

It's like sausage skin.

I had to do lots of writhing and wriggling on the bed.

I love this bar.

What can I get you?

Ah! Scotch on the rocks.

Allow me.

Are you my blind date?

No.

But I could be.

I am thinking not.

-You are not exfoliating facially.

-There you go.

Yeah, steady with the wine, Jason.

I'm enjoying myself, you lighten up.

So...

starters of fresh sardines.

Naples style.

Drizzled with a garlic and white wine vinaigrette.

And the homemade bread on the table is made by Poppy's own fair hand.

His kid makes bread.

Do our kids make bread?

Oh...no, mate, no.

Gemma doesn't eat anything with eyes, do you, love?

It's fine. It's fine, I do now.

Really? What, dead googly eyes staring at you?

Stop it, Jason.

Sorry, Gem, I didn't think to ask.

Mmmm-mm! This is lovely, mate.

Shall I take the head off?

No, it's fine, I can do it.

Selina, Poppy and I went on a cooking course in Naples

on our last holiday together.

It was wonderful.

My last holiday with Inca

was five days on a barge on the Norfolk Broads.

Inca turned some heads.

She was like a Scandinavian ice queen

gliding that barge down those canals.

She never let me drive.

"The barge she sat in,

"like a burnish'd throne, burned on the water."

Shakespeare.

I have to go to her.

No, Jason, you can't.

Billy texted, she's not even there yet.

How about I pop open some parsnip champagne?

A wonderful beast, the organic parsnip.

champagne, yeast, juice of two oranges...

all in all, quite a potent combination.

Mmm.

Mmm.

That was lovely, Tom, thank you.

Full up.

They pack a nutritional punch.

I know someone I'd like to punch.

You let them go,

and if they come back to you, then it was meant to be.

-Your wife never came back from Imran.

-Jason!

Don't be rude!

SHE SIGHS

Maybe we should go.

No, don't be silly.

Jason's right, she didn't.

It wasn't meant to be.

Um...

Let's get the, er... next course ready.

Fresh pasta.

Please, help yourselves to the olives.

What?

-Behave.

-I am.

Ugh!

So, you nervous about your date?

Oh...

Not so much.

I have had many dates.

Always they ask me on a second date, and always I am saying no.

Ah, but you went on a second date with Jason.

Yes, that's because on the first date he was forgetting his purse,

so I paid.

So we had to have second date so he could be reimbursing me back.

I see.

We are Europeans, you and I.

Foreigners getting mixed up with the English,

with their tiny scared hearts.

It is pain-making.

Yeah, but real love is worth the pain, isn't it?

I mean, having your heart ripped out is part of knowing you're alive.

But you can't live without your heart, Irish.

Yeah, but you can't live if you keep it to yourself either.

I am wanting to show my love,

to yodel it from the mountains.

Oh...

But mens in this country, they just cannot do this.

Where is Yason now that I am to see another man?

I can tell you. Eating pig at Gemma's.

No, thank you, I am sorry to disappoint you.

I am sure you have thought all the Easters have come at once upon seeing me,

but I have just realised, businessman Terry Tompkinson, aged 44 from Northwood Hills,

that I am very much in love with Yason.

Then Yason is an incredibly lucky man.

Yes, he is. You are most astute.

There's my card.

-If you ever change your mind.

-No, thank you.

So what was wrong with him?

Yes, I know, he had great hairs and fashions, but he just...

wasn't being Yason.

I think you should take her home.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, of course, of course.

But before we go,

does anyone know the name of Sherlock Holmes's housekeeper?

-Mrs Hudson.

-B, Mrs Hudson!

Got it!

-Yes!

-Yes!!

Tom!

That is amazing!

Thank you, Jason.

If I was a woman, I'd marry you.

Wouldn't you, Gems?

Gemma, have you seen this?

Yes, wonderful.

Oh, you've got it all going, Tom, haven't you, huh?

Nice house, nice car...

You can cook...

You're OK looking.

Thanks.

-I used to think you were a bit of a kno...

-MESSAGE TONE

-Oh! Text.

-Is it Billy? What does he say?

Has Inca gone on the date?

He says...that Inca is at the bar, and she seems sad.

She's missing me.

And that the guy arrived...

oh, and he was very good looking.

No! I'm going down there.

-MESSAGE TONE

-No, wait, wait. He says Inca turned him away.

Oh, she still loves me.

Or maybe he had bad breath.

MESSAGE TONE

What else does he say?

Um, Billy says,

"I want to..."

He wants to what?

Oh! Um...

Oh, oh, oh, um...

Gemma?

-Yes.

-Are you all right, Gemma?

No...um...

yes, I'm...I'm just a bit hot.

Well, there is a gentle after-kick of fresh chilli from the linguine,

it can take you by surprise.

It certainly can.

Um...may I, um...use your bathroom?

Of course, upstairs. First door on the left.

Right!

Let's get drunk!

What's next on the homemade wine front?

Roast potato?

SHE SIGHS

-Thank you for giving me the rides home.

-You're welcome.

You know, he's all right, really.

Who?

Jason.

-He's liar and pain maker with the eyes of the beaver.

-Agreed.

But he...

you know, when he split up with Mum,

he didn't have to help out with me, and he did.

Go on.

He always showed up for school stuff, and...

well, you know, even though he's a clown and a muppet,

he's kind of all right.

But if you tell him I said that, I will deny it.

OK.

I will keep it under my socks.

He loves you, you know?

I know.

But I'm not so sure it's enoughs.

Hang on...

Your phone number is in all these baguettes.

You must call her.

Reveal your heart.

You think?

Tell her how you feel, man.

Oh...I always make a hash of that sort of stuff.

Inca stabbed me with a nail file the last time I tried to be romantic.

Viking women are an enigma,

indeed.

But...

I could help you.

I trust you, Tom.

Ah...

DIALS NUMBER

HE SIGHS

Straight to voicemail.

Leave a message!

Tell her...

..that like her motherland, her beauty is vast and majestic.

Inca, just like your mother, you are vast and big.

But where is the spring and the summer?

Where did it go?

I just don't know!

But still...my love for you will live forever...

# Hasta manana...

-# Till we meet again

-# Till we meet again

BOTH: # Don't know where Don't know when... #

I shouldn't even be looking at you, Billy's toothbrush.

I should be looking at you, Tom's.

All strong and stylish and professional,

with three speeds.

What do you have?

SHE SIGHS

I'm not sure this is a good idea.

PHONE RINGS

You are primed, you know what to say.

'Please leave your message after the tone.'

BLEEP

Yo, Selina.

Er...

Yeah, shut it, sweet cheeks, if you know what's good for you.

One thing...

Your bum does look big, bit big, in jeans.

Not so much the black ones...

But...

Yeah, so anyway.

Get over yourself!

THEY LAUGH

I'm going to be in so much trouble.

Whoo!

You still love her, don't you?

TOM SIGHS

HE SIGHS

We need to stop meeting in bathrooms.

Which would mean...meeting in places where other people would see us.

It... Yes.

Which would mean...

telling people.

Oh...

Yodelling it from the mountains.

Well, maybe we could just... squeak it first.

I just...

I can't keep doing this without telling Alfie.

You know, it's just not fair.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Gemma!

-Oh...

-Open the door.

-Oh, no.

Not now, Jason!

Yes now, it's urgent.

Ohh...

-(There's no lock on the door.)

-Oh, I'm coming in.

-Ooh! Er...

Oh!

Oh!

JASON RETCHES

Oh, oh, oh... Oh, Jason.

It's the birch wine.

Oh, my tummy.

No, no, I think it's the sardines repeating...

-Oh...oh, oh! Urgh!

-Gemma, I think you should go, I don't want you to see us like this.

-No! Make her stay, I need a wet compress.

-No..!

-I just want to get a flannel.

-No, I'll get it!

I like to nurse people. It's what makes me feel...whole.

Ooh..!

I think you should leave Jason here.

I'm not so sure I should.

It is my fault.

I undercooked the sardines.

Urgh! Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh...we'll get through this... together.

-Urgh...

-Right, well, I guess you're right.

OK...

-Uh...

-Huh...

Oh, and thank you for a lovely night.

You're wel...welcome.

Oh, my God.

The squits.

Oh, OK, I'll give you some privacy.

I'll put some towels on Poppy's bed for you.

Oh, come on!

Uh...

Oh...

SPLASHING

Oh dear.

RETCHING

Urgh...

'Inca, just like your mother, you are vast and big.'

'Where is the spring,

'and the summer?'

SHE SIGHS

'Where did it go?

'I just don't know.

'But still...

'my love for you will live forever.'

'# Hasta manana...

-'# Till we meet again

-'# Till we meet again

BOTH: '# Don't know where Don't know when... #'

BLEEP

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, come on, come on, answer.

I'm in love with Billy, don't judge me.

-I won't.

-You're not Fran!

Where's Fran?

Gemma?

-What are you doing here? Are you OK?

-She's in love with Billy.

-Well... Hang on. Billy?

-Yeah.

-Not Tom?

-No.

But Billy, he's...

Well, he's...

Well then again, he is so...

She doesn't want you to judge.

Well, then she shouldn't tell me. That's what friends do, judge.

Right, well, I'll leave you two to it.

Well, not it. Well...

Well, probably it.

No, no, no, come in.

-Billy, though?

-Judging...

Not judging, just saying.

Sounded a bit judging.

DOOR SLAMS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd