Episode 6 Me & Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# We spend all our time running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# Getting busy, doing nothing. #

I've proposed before.

The first time was to my cousin when we were seven.

He declined because I smelt of wet tennis balls.

Then to Gemma, but just to be clear,

I loved her a lot, lot less when I asked her.

Sorry, you do realise I'm standing right here when you say that?

Totally lame.

Girls, what did you think?

-Er, could do better.

-I liked it.

-If I'm being honest, everything you're saying sounds a bit...

-Lame?

When I proposed to you when we got married, was that lame?

No.

Right, I'm out of here.

Oh, no, no, Alfie, hang on!

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Look, please. Remember Operation Badger Removal.

We've got to get Jason out of here, it's like we're married again.

We've got to get Inca to say yes to his proposal.

Do you want to listen to him singing Angels every morning for the rest of your life?!

IMITATES JASON

# When I'm lyin' in my bed

# Thoughts running through my head

# And I feel like love is dead

# I'm lovin' angels instead

# And through it all... #

Fine!

-Have a go on me.

-I'm not proposing to you.

Oh, well, tough, because I'm sick of saying no to you.

Fine.

IMITATES INCA

Yason, you want to be speaking to me?

Oh, that is eerie.

OK.

-Inca, I like you.

-You like me?! Oh, well, big bloody deal!

You like eating the sausages made from the hooves and the lips!

-Oh, forget it.

-Oh, Alfie, stop it.

Is that legal? Aren't you related or something?

-Well, not by blood.

-Oh, hang on!

You've got the gift of the gab. How would you propose to a woman?

I don't know, I haven't given it much thought.

Oh, come on, laughing boy. Give us what you've got.

Oh, Jason, he doesn't have to. I mean, you really don't have to.

-GIRLS:

-Come on, Billy! Please.

-Yeah, come on, please.

OK. Probably something like...

You come to love not by finding the perfect person,

but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

You are my imperfect person,

and I see you...

..perfectly.

I do.

That was so wet, man.

-Right, I'm taking the van, helping Billy move.

-All right, see ya.

Billy, hang on. Where are you off to?

What are you doing?

Billy's got a new flat above the bar - it goes with the chef's job.

Billy's a chef?

Oh, yeah, I guess he must be. Laters!

Goodbye, Billy.

You truly are descended from kings and poets!

Ha-ha!

Too much?

Was he crying a bit?

-What can I say? I leave an impression.

-Yeah, a big girl's one.

-So are you actually a chef?

-Yes.

-Like a qualified one?

-Yes, I passed exams and everything.

What, so you could, like, cook a steak?

Yes!

Right, the operation depends on you two.

You know what to do?

Emotionally blackmail Inca into coming to our barbecue.

And if she refuses to come, we bring out the big guns.

THEY SCREAM

Girls, don't be afeared, it is Inca, in Green Coffee body wrap.

You look like a sea monster.

Can you come to ours for a barbecue today?

I am thinking no. I am being vegetarian.

BOTH: Please.

Oh, girls, don't do the sad frowns.

Your face is a map of your life.

Look at your mother's face, what a journey!

-Will Yason be being there?

-No.

-Yes.

THEY CRY

Ah, they miss you so much.

Of course they do, I am like mother to them.

It's OK, little ones, of course Inca will come.

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

I don't know why Gemma asked you to do this.

I mean, anyone can defrost meat.

This is fresh.

Anyway, I am only too happy to be involved.

I've got some hickory smoked barbecue wood chippings,

which should help infuse the food as it cooks.

You know, it's the cooking of the food that really matters, not the, er, the preparation.

Oh, wow!

Oh, yes, she's quite something, isn't she?

Spanish leather. Only, I think she's fitted to my hips.

I'm proposing to Inca.

-I could hide the ring in one of these little pouches.

-That's wonderful news.

I proposed to Selina in Montana.

We were on an authentic cattle ranch vacation.

Oh, she was on a high, having just lassoed a frisky bullock.

Have you, have you heard from her,

since we made the drunken booty message call?

I don't think she liked it when I said that her bum looked big in a certain light.

Jason,

I'm having doubts about Gemma.

Is it her elbows?

-Because they used to really creep me out.

-What? No.

-Is it because she looks like an angry squirrel when she sleeps?

-We haven't got that far.

-Oh.

No, it's just that I'm not sure I'm fully over Selina and it's not fair on Gemma to...

-Mini-break!

-What?

-Take Gemma on a mini-break. Spend some time together.

I wasn't sure about Inca until we cruised the Norfolk Broads

and I saw her in a bikini.

Nothing wrong with her elbows.

HE SNIGGERS

Wow! Why are you all in costume?

-Flynn said it was fancy dress.

-Oh, well it's not.

-Flynn!

-All right, mate? Where's your magic carpet?

Left it at home? Sensible move.

Wouldn't want to drink and fly!

I don't drink.

Nice threads by the way. You're the bouncer, right?

A lot of people say I've got the build to do that.

THEY LAUGH

Let me give you a hand with the, er...

Thank you.

Ooh, it's not light ale, is it? Here we go.

You've got time to go home and change, you know.

Why? I've got the body to rock this look.

Not if you eat all that, you haven't.

I'm going to dip the strawberries in the chocolate.

I dipped a bit of Nero in chocolate last night.

Used him like a human fondue.

You're insatiable.

-Says she with two men on the go.

-I haven't got two men on the go.

Er, Tom and Billy.

Two men on the go.

Oh, God! I have got two men on the go.

Ah, all moved, are we?

Yep. Just popped back to give you these and say thank you.

Oh.

Oh, I say.

That is a blockbuster of a wine, thanks.

You know, I'm going to miss our man moments.

Well, you know where I'll be, and your first meal is on the house.

To think all this time I've had a professional chef under my roof.

If I'd known, we could have spent our evenings devouring Rick Stein and Nigel Slater.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to have missed that.

I'm just booking a mini-break for Gemma and I.

-I'm going to surprise her.

-Wow.

-A yurt in the Lake District.

-A yurt?

A portable bent wood frame dwelling structure,

traditionally inhabited by Turkic nomads.

So, like a big tent.

You don't think it'll scare her off?

She is easily scared off, you know, skittish.

What do you think?

I think...if you truly like her and she truly likes you,

it doesn't matter where you are.

A yurt it is.

Beer?

Lemonade.

Your wish is my command, O Master.

JASON CHUCKLES

Ooh, I bet you must feel like a right plonker dressed like that!

No.

So, are you going to let me rub your lamp?

Sorry, that didn't quite sound right.

Right. Well, that barbecue isn't going to light itself.

Do not fear, Alfie is here! Right, I'll light it for you.

-Back off, I'm in charge of making fire.

-All right.

Good. All the equipment here, just need the, um...

Oh! Ha-ha! Stand and deliver! Your sausage or your life!

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I do it old school, Nemo.

-Nero.

-I don't hold with these gas barbecues, Nemo. They're for girls.

Right. Lucky mitt.

OK, stand back, guys, we don't want any singed moustaches,

-do we, Fran?

-JASON LAUGHS

Did you see what I just did then, about the moustache thing?

Implying that Fran's got a...

Sorry, I didn't mean to...

Oh! Oh! Argh! Oh!

These are my favourite Chinos!

ALFIE LAUGHS

Oh, bloody hells bells!

Hello? The latch was on the snib.

Oh, Tom, Poppy,

Billy.

Lovely to see you...all.

You have chocolate all over your face.

-And all over your kitchen.

-Yes, I like to get mucky.

A tidy house indicates a tidy mind. So your mind must be very mucky.

-Poppy's studying Freud.

-The father of psychoanalysis.

-Oh, clever old Poppy.

-I also understand sarcasm.

Right, I'll head out and find your daughters.

-Come on, Billy.

-Oh. Bye.

Nice lad, very mature, beyond his years, wouldn't you say?

Yes, Tom, I'm glad I've got you alone for a moment.

I just wanted to say about the, um, our... Well, you and me,

er, whatever it is.

It's just that, I'm not sure that whatever it is, is, is working.

-Yurt!

-What?

Yurt. It's a portable bent wood framed dwelling structure.

Yes, I know what it is, I just wondered why you shouted it.

You and me in a yurt, in the Lake District.

-It's five star.

-Oh, right. Well, that sounds lovely, but um...

I-I know you think we're better off as friends

and, to be honest, Gemma, I'm having doubts, too.

-Oh, right.

-Look, I'm the kind of man who brings hygienic gloves to a barbecue to handle raw meat,

and you're a woman who I doubt bleached the surface before buttering those rolls.

-Well, no...

-But maybe there is something,

and perhaps if we got away from all the distractions of kids and exes,

and unsterilised surfaces.

-Yeah, I'm not...

-I know what you're going to say.

-Jason's already agreed to have the twins.

-Yeah, that's not actually what I was going...

-It's booked.

It's up to you if you want to join me.

No pressure.

Just think about it.

Great.

Let me at that barbecue!

Five minutes and you're off.

Yurt.

-Sorry?

-Yeah, that's what I said.

Tom's asked me to go away with him,

to a five-star yurt in the Lake District.

Blimey! Posh. Horny old Tom.

SHE CHUCKLES

Wow, hot tub!

-I was trying to end it with him.

-Don't end it! There are spa treatments.

Billy's hardly going to whisk you off to a five star...

Oh, God! There's a butler!

You're not the sort of woman to have an affair with a younger man.

I am! I can be wild.

-Really?

-Yeah, I can be dangerous.

-I've kissed a woman.

-Please! We've all done that.

Now if you'd made LOVE to a woman...

You've...?

-All right, Billy?

-All right?

Alfie's going for a record.

Is he in with a chance?

49, 48, 47...

Guinness World Record for continuous bouncing on a trampoline was 53 days of jumping between six people.

So, no, then.

Hey, er, do you grant wishes? Because I could do with one.

-I don't think you need wishes to make your dreams come true.

-I think I do.

There are three wishes a genie, or a jinn, as it was known in Arabian and Muslim mythology, cannot grant -

bringing someone back to life,

making someone die,

or making someone fall in love with you.

Wow! You've done your character research.

Aladdin is a very good film.

It's a shame about the wish thing, though.

Would you really want to make someone fall in love with you?

Isn't it better to have them fall in love of their own accord?

You, sir, are a very wise man.

I am.

But I do also happen to be going out with Gemma's best friend.

-Here, allow me.

-No, it's all right,

the coals were damp, I've got fresh now.

Well, that'll never work.

These two haven't let me down yet. They could set fire to an igloo.

Fluke.

I'm a wild woman, aren't I?

You look pretty crazy, sat there with a plate of sausages.

Tom tells me he's taking you away - that sounds kind of wild.

W-Well, yes, um, a yurt.

Five-star camping.

Not sure if I can compete with that,

although I do have vouchers for a buy one get one free meal at the local pizza place.

Or we could dine at 27A the High Street.

That's my flat.

-Well, it has a roof garden and a chair.

-Just the one?

Well, I'm saving up for the whole set.

We could have a picnic amongst the chimney pots.

Oh, I don't really do picnics since I got stung on the, er...

Well, never mind.

Bottle of cava,

some cheese and onion crisps,

and the romantic sounds of the 142 night bus going past.

Gemma!

Gem... Oh!

Jason's on fire.

-What?!

-Fear not, Jason!

Argh! Argh! Fire, fire!

No, no!

OK...

I'm on fire! Put me out!

Jason, I'm coming.

Lame!

Everything's OK, I'm fine.

The ring's fine.

-The Spanish leather got a bit singed. I'm sorry, mate.

-Oh!

-Jason, for goodness sake!

-Lit the barbecue, though, didn't I?

-Well, technically I...

-It's all right, girls, it's all right.

-Oh, it's all right, girls.

-Ha!

-Dad!

-Just a minute, love, I want to get the burgers on.

-No, Dad, she's here.

-In a minute, love.

But, Dad, she's here.

Press play.

Oh, yeah.

# She's like the wind through my trees... #

Inca Dolph Adolfson, when I experience your love,

I am speechless.

Yason, I...

No, no, no! Please wait, I haven't finished.

Ater du gris med mig?

What?! Will I eat pig with you?!

Alfie!

Inca, I am your unicorn.

Grip firmly to my sturdy horn

and I will take you on such a magical journey.

Let's picnic amongst the stars.

Marry me.

Yes, Jason. I will.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Phew.

Woo-woo!

Right, that's awkward. Let's eat.

-BILLY:

-Yeah.

Oh, I'm starving.

Sorry to murder the moment but, er, I'm here to collect Poppy.

-Mummy!

-Hello, darling.

Now go and get your bags. Imran's double-parked the Lexus.

Tom,

a word.

300, 301...

So, I got your voicemail - very Al Pacino.

"Shut it, sweet cheeks, your bum does look big in jeans?"

I mean...

Does it?

I-I-I'm over you.

-You want to kiss me right now, don't you?

-No.

I-I'm taking Gemma to the Lake District.

-Don't tell me, a yurt.

-SHE LAUGHS

You're so predictable, Tom.

Ah, there you are, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom.

You, you'd better back off, tall lady.

I know your game. Well, you can't have him back.

He's mine now, every solid inch of him.

-A bit of super-friendly advice, Jenna...

-Oh, it's Gemma.

Oh. Oh, is it?

This isn't just any old camping, it's glamp yurting.

The clientele ooze glamour.

You might want to treat yourself to a new...wardrobe.

Yeah, well, you might want to treat yourself to some...new things, too.

I would much rather take someone with a warm heart who's a bit on the scruffy side,

than a wooden-hearted designer clothes horse.

Well, you have your wish, then, don't you?

-Yes, he does have his wish, thank you, and I have mine, too.

-Aw.

Poppy!

Tom.

-Jenna.

-It's Gemma.

-Gemma.

-Gemma, Gemma.

-Wow, she is...

-Impressive.

I was going to say horrible.

Gemma, thank you for saying those things.

I know you didn't really mean it in that way, but...

..thanks.

Thanks for being a...a friend.

So, you can come away with me, then?

303, 304...

-BILLY:

-Hey, is your mum around?

Don't know, she's probably laying down. She's, er, quite old.

Right! Thanks. Won't be a minute.

Feeling a bit tired, are we?

SHE YAWNS

Just thought I'd catch five minutes' peace.

You weren't hiding from me, then, no?

No!

Well, maybe a little bit.

So, what's it to be, Mrs Jones?

A yurt or a picnic under the stars?

And I'll see if I can find a sausage roll and a second chair.

Mum?

Oh! Quick!

Ssh.

-What are you doing?

-Mum, can we get the ice cream out?

She's not up here.

They're gone.

What am I doing, hiding from my family?

Then let's stop hiding from them.

Why do you even want me?

I think it's because... you remind me of my mother.

I can't.

And don't get me wrong, I like a sausage roll.

I mean, I really like a sausage roll,

-but it gives me terrible indigestion and...

-Do scotch eggs?

-I can make them.

-Hmm, impressive.

But I can't. It'll upset too many people.

Well, I can make them scotch eggs some other time.

I'm just not that sort of woman.

I don't want that sort of woman.

I want you.

And I want everyone to know it.

So I'll be...waiting,

on my blanket, with my scotch eggs.

Right, I'm going to need to get out from under this quilt,

because I'm either going to pass out or...kiss you.

Starlit picnic. Yurt.

Scotch eggs.

"Organic beef Wellington

"with a selection of locally sourced vegetables." Oh, nice.

Gemma!? Gemma!

-Alfred's arm is suspected snapped!

-What?!

-Tom's carried him out to the knob-mobile.

-Oh, God!

-Tom is super-strong, like the Hunk.

-The Hulk.

I hope he will be free of the cast for the wedding!

How's the wounded soldier?

Yeah, they're putting his cast on. He'll be out in a minute.

-Oh, good. Then you'd better get going.

-What?

The, er, mini-break with Tom.

No, I can't! Alfie is...

Alfie's 23, we'll take him home.

-No, I can't! I'm, I'm...

-A chicken?

-What?

You, a big clucking chicken.

No, I'm not, it's just...

Look, I've packed your wellies and some choice outfits.

-I thought you were wild.

-I-I...

-Wild or mild?

-Er, mildly wild?

-I've packed protection.

Oh, I don't think it's going to rain, I... Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Not that sort. OK, um, oh, God! I'm not, no...

Get out of here! Go! Faster.

Oh, run a bit, for God's sake! Go bed that man, you wild woman!

PMT - poncho, money, tickets.

PHONE RINGS

'Hi, this is Tom and Poppy's phone.

'You know how to do this. After the beep, leave a message.'

'Tom, it's Selina. I wanted to talk to you.'

OK, so this is it.

Throwing caution to the wind, turning right for Tom and the yurt.

This is what you want.

Yeah, this is what you want, lady!

My heart says Billy.

I should follow my heart, go left.

Our heart knows what it wants.

I do like a scotch egg, I do.

Apparently I don't.

SHE SIGHS

Oh!

HORNS BEEP

Oh, yes, all right! I'm making an important decision here!

SHE SIGHS

Head?

Heart?

Head.

Heart.

# It had to be you... #

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# We spend all our time running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# Getting busy, doing nothing. #