Episode 1 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show,

Geri Horner spices things up when she plays Celebrity Send To All,

chart sensation Tinie Tempah brings the house down,

jaw-dropping acrobatics from the Peres Brothers Group

and who will be our unexpected star of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show!

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.

APPLAUSE

Yay!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

And welcome to the Big Show!

Let me explain to you that tonight we're going to have some big stars,

big laughs and big surprises on this very stage.

Yes, we are.

We will also be playing my favourite game of them all,

Celebrity Send To All, that sounds like fun.

And I can promise you that tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

one person will be getting the biggest surprise of their life.

Yes.

So this show, let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen,

it's going out on BBC One on Saturday night television

so my kids are going to watch it. My kids have never seen me on TV.

They're ten and seven now,

so they're growing up. They're both boys. They...

They like each other and they hate each other.

You know what it's like when you've got brothers.

They argue a lot, they argue over everything, you know.

It's always about "my turn." Sibling rivalry isn't it, my turn?

"It's my turn to do this, my turn to do that."

Some things I understand, like "It's my turn to sit in the front."

It's a big one, "It's my turn to sit in the front."

"He sat in the front last time, it's my turn to sit in the front!"

I don't know, I can't keep track of it.

Why don't you just sit on the way and you on the way home?

"No, but he did it last time, it's my turn to sit in the front!"

I understand sitting in the front because it's more fun, isn't it?

You're up there with Mum or Dad, you can see more clearly,

you get the music, you're controlling the window.

Also you have the satisfaction of knowing that your brother,

your rival, is trapped in the worst seat in the car behind you.

But there are some things I will never understand,

like "It's my turn to push the button in the lift."

This is not one of the perks of life.

There's so much more exciting things in the world,

but my kids go mental if the other one pushes it and it's not his turn.

"Oh, I can't believe he pushed the button, it's my turn!"

I'm like, "Darling, this is one of the most boring things,

"pushing up and watching it get illuminated.

"Just let your brother do it. It's very boring."

And they do this arguing and they get so upset

that they don't want to stop talking

cos they know their brother's going to chip in

so they keep talking while they're inhaling.

It's a skill that only children have.

"I can't believe he pushed the button when it was my turn

"and then he just pushed the button right in front of me

"and it was my turn to push the button!"

Adults are often quite pleased if somebody pushes the button for them.

We go into a lift and sometimes there's a person, a stranger,

in the lift and they're like,

"Which floor, please? Sorry, which floor?"

Oh, thank you! Oh, you're very kind.

You're a very kind stranger. 11, I'm going to 11.

They push 11 and I go, "Thank you! Thank you, stranger,

"for making my life a little easier."

It's very rare for an adult to go,

"Hey! It's my turn to push the button. Step aside!

"I can't believe you would push the button

"when it's obviously my turn to push the button."

Crossing the road is exactly the same.

The pelican crossing thing where you push it, it says "Wait."

Is there anything more boring than that in life? My kids go mental.

"I can't believe it was my turn, he pushed the button yesterday

"and the day before and I haven't pushed the button for ages."

This is so boring! Half of adults forget.

We're often standing at the road going, "Have you...?

"Sorry, have you not pushed the button?"

"I thought you pushed the button."

"Oh, for God's sake! I'll push the button."

But with kids!

Oh, the drama! The drama of road crossing.

Because also you've got to teach them about the green man,

because you can never cross on the red man

because, you know, it's dangerous

so you always have to wait there with your kids,

waiting for the green man. It's the red man, don't cross on the red man.

Adults don't help of course because they walk past them.

"But he's going." He's an idiot. Children, that man is an idiot.

Once a man in an all-green tracksuit starts walking across,

my son was like, "Is that the green man?"

No, that's is just... It's another idiot.

I like it when couples who are, like, in a relationship,

they obviously love each other, you know,

they might be married or going out, walking along the street

and the man will always do that thing

when he naturally goes roadside. Roadside.

"I'm going to... Excuse me, I'll go this side, darling.

"If a car comes off the road, I'll take it, I'll take it.

"I'll take it, you go there.

"The worst that can happen is a wheelie bin might topple on you

"but here, a lorry could come

"and I'll just stop it with my thigh."

You get to a road, right, and there's this ambiguity

over whether to cross and suddenly the hands...

You stop holding hands.

One person will go and they look at the car and think,

oh, there's a car coming.

And then one person starts going, the other person's going...

No, I think I'm going to die.

And the person keeps going, what's happened? Where are you?

And you end up on opposite sides of the road.

What are you doing?!

Well, I saw, I thought, I thought I was going to die.

And you left ME to die?

I like it now with the countdowns. Have you seen the countdown clocks?

They give you, like, 20 seconds to cross the road.

I always do it well inside the allotted time.

I'm watching the clock. I'm like... I've done it in eight seconds.

I've got 12 left. I'm tempted to go back in.

I'm going to make the most of my 20.

I like to time it exactly. Three, two, one and yeah!

Just a bit of advice.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

we have some amazing stars on this stage tonight,

but one of our performers isn't actually at the theatre yet.

That's because right now they don't even know they're on the show.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Each week on the Big Show, we're going to surprise

a member of the public and they will be performing on this very stage

as our Unexpected Star of the Show!

JINGLE PLAYS

OK.

OK, so this week's unexpected star is called Natasha John.

She's from Wales, that's her.

-ONE MAN:

-H-E-E-E-E-E-EY!

LAUGHTER

That's Natasha.

Either she's known by someone in the audience

or someone has hurled themselves from the circle.

OK, Natasha is 23 years old and she's a hairdresser

at her mother's salon in...Penco-ed? Pincoed?

Pencoed!

Pencoed? Do you know her?

Yeah, I went to school with her.

Is that a coincidence?

Yeah, I didn't know anything about it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Are you serious?

Because I know that she's got friends and family over here

and I keep thinking there's a lunatic over there.

H-E-E-E-E-E-EY!

WELSH ACCENT: We are so far from Pencoed.

It's an unbelievable coincidence.

I can't believe it.

-What's the name of the school you went to?

-Er, Pencoed.

LAUGHTER

It's not a big place, Pencoed.

I live in Pencoed. I go to Pencoed.

I live at number three, Pencoed.

Number of pupils, two.

There's me and the hairdresser.

No wonder you went mental.

ARGH! It's the other one, innit!

It's the other one from Pencoed!

What was your name?

-CJ.

-CJ, excellent.

-So you remember Natasha?

-Yeah, I know her really well.

OK, brilliant. Well, you're going to enjoy tonight.

She's been working at the hairdresser in Pencoed

which I assume you go to as well?

-Do you to go to there?

-Not any more, I used to.

He used to go to the hairdresser, of course,

when he was living in Pencoed.

Hey, Natasha, it's me from school, innit?

Trim the locks, let's have it.

I'm living in London now. In fact I've turned into a bit of a luvvie.

I keep going to the theatre...

for free. APPLAUSE

OK, so we have some footage of her working.

There she is. This is her hard at work.

This is just the highlights obviously.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So Natasha think she's coming to the theatre today to help her mum out

with some hairstyling as part of a charity event

that she thinks is going on at the theatre,

but, of course, that isn't the plan at all.

Natasha has always dreamed of being in show business,

singing is her passion and tonight,

we'll be making Natasha's dream come true.

So Natasha was set up by her mum, Natalie, who is with her right now

and her dad, Steve, and Steve's in the audience

so let's go and chat to Steve.

-Hello.

-Steve! Lovely to see you.

Stand up, please, for me, Steve.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Natasha's dad, Steve. There he is.

OK, so tell us about Natasha.

She's a hairdresser, like, a full time hairdresser?

-Yeah, she's full time with her mum, erm...

-Right.

But her main goal, if you like, is to be a singer, yeah.

How do you think she's going to react

when she shows up at the theatre?

It'll just blow her mind to be honest with you but, you know,

I think she's the type of person... You know, she can handle it.

And I, I gather we've got granny June here, is that right? Nana June?

-That's me, yes.

-Hi, June. Nice to see you.

-How are you doing? Fabulous.

-Fine, thanks.

-So you're a big fan of Natasha's voice?

-Yes.

-Yeah?

-Yes.

-You think she'll sing well tonight if she...?

-Oh, yes.

Do you remember CJ? The creepy guy in the village?

-Oh, keep him quiet!

-LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Natasha's family.

Dad Steve and Nanny June.

There we go.

OK, so Natasha is on her way to the theatre right now.

She's going to come and we're going to call her up.

We're going to attach a corridor onto here,

which will then go into a fake dressing room

which is going to take up quite a lot of the stage

and then I'm going to go in it and put a wig on.

And I'm going to sit in the chair

and then she's going to come into the room, thinking it's a haircut

and then the whole front of the room is going to collapse

and you're going to go completely bananas, OK?

And of course, if there's a technical issue

and it doesn't collapse,

I will just have to have a haircut.

My first guest is a multi-award winning,

platinum-selling rap sensation.

Here with a banging tune that cool kids will be dancing to all summer

and I'll be tapping the steering wheel to on the school run

in the autumn, it's Tinie Tempah!

CHEERING

# All the girls like

# Said I was the man

# All I ever needed was a plan

# Tell JK that we still rolling

# Yeah, tell Russell I'm a brand

# Yeah, bust that skank

# Ain't nobody messing with the gang

# Might take a fly out for the weekend

# And go Cannes cos I can

# Go low, go low, everybody get low

# Had a couple hits and a couple solos

# Now I got a couple Brits and a couple MOBOs

# Dropped Pass Out, everybody loco

# I was dropping off the mandem in a Polo

# Now I'm with a mandem at the polo

# I could make a honey give away her last Rolo

# Then I say sure, yo, you know how it goes

-# All the girls like

-I know what boys like

# I know what they want

# They want that good thing

-# They wanna get some

-All the girls like

# I know what boys like

# I know what they want

# So go ahead and prove me right

# That's what girls like

# Yeah, Roley on the wrist, that's me, me

# Man of the year I'm fleek-y

# Had a couple man wanna be me

# Them man can't be TT

# Tell 'em only winners are allowed

# No diggidy, no diggi-doubt

# I was getting... Before girls were putting out

# Told them I was gonna blow back when I was in the south

# Go low, go low, everybody go low

# Since she want me she don't want the coco

# So I made her sing it back like she was Moloko

# And I got Merc, I ain't got a Volvo

# Used to have a black...Sirocco

# Now everywhere I go people want a photo

# I could make a honey give away her last Rolo

# Then I say sure, yo, you know how I roll

-# All the girls like

-I know what boys like

# I know what they want

# They want that good thing

-# They wanna get some

-All the girls like

# I know what boys like

# I know what they want

# So go ahead and prove me right

# That's what girls like... #

Everybody on your feet right now!

# No Netflix and chill that's dead

# Every day you ride your friends

# All the girls like

# I don't need your money for my rent

# I'm not an eight or a nine, I'm a ten

-# All the girls like

-What's the code to your wi-fi again?

-Let's go!

-# I know what boys like

-# I know what they want

-All the girls like

# They want that good thing

# They wanna get some

# All the girls like

# I know what boys like

# I know what they want

# So go ahead and prove me right

# Cos that's what girls like

# Said I was the man

# All I ever needed was a plan

# Tell JK that we still rolling

# Yeah, tell Russell I'm a brand

# Yeah, bust that skank

# Ain't nobody messing with the gang

# Might take a fly out for the weekend

# And go Cannes cos I can

# Go low, go low, everybody go low

# Had a couple hits and a couple solos

# Now I got a couple Brits and a couple MOBOs

# Dropped Pass Out, everybody loco

# I was dropping off the mandem in a Polo

# Now I'm with a mandem at the polo

# I could make a honey give away her last Rolo

# Then I say sure, yo, you know how it goes

-# All the girls like

-I know what boys like

-# I know what they want

-All the girls like

# I know what boys like

# I know what they want

# All the girls like

# I know you, I know you want the good thing

# I know what boys like

# I know what they want. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Tinie!

Go on, Tinie! Oh, my God! You've just blown the roof off.

Thank you very much, thank you.

-Look at that! That is a summer banger!

-Thank you.

Look at the reaction.

It's amazing, it's good, right?

Thank you very much.

Look at that.

Oh, that coat's amazing! Oh, it's so warm!

So this is what girls like?

That's so far from my get up.

-No, you look good. You look great.

-You think I look all right?

-You look great.

-Thank you, Tinie.

-That's what girls like, right?

-CHEERING

-There you go, come on, Michael.

It was reluctant. That was so reluctant.

OK, thank you very much. One more time, what about that?

Complete legend.

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Give me more of that music. I'm loving that.

Come on, let's do this. MUSIC RESUMES

MUSIC STOPS, HE LAUGHS

Never done anything like that before in my life.

Ah... It's completely exhausting.

Can you cue up that music?

Every time I do that, I want you to play the music.

MUSIC PLAYS Yes! Oh, OK, that's it.

Just as long as you're ready for that.

MUSIC BEAT

At any moment in time, I might feel this show needs a little bit of...

MUSIC PLAYS ..that.

OK. But not now.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, I've just heard that our unexpected star

of the show, Natasha, is in the building.

She's in the building, Dad. She's in the building.

Who's supposed to be sitting in that seat?

-Grandmother.

-The other grandma.

-The other grandmother.

-Where's she gone?

-(Gone to the toilet.)

-Toilet.

She's gone to the...?

-What's her name? What's her name?

-Pat.

I can't believe Pat has decided to go. This is unbelievable.

Exactly.

She'd better hurry up because I don't want... Pat can't miss this.

-Oh, she'll miss it.

-No, she can't miss it!

APPLAUSE Oh, Pat!

Pat! This is a big moment, Pat.

It's not time to nip off to the bog, innit?

All right, I've just heard that Natasha is in the building.

We have the moment that Natasha arrived, let's check on this.

There she is. OK, that's Natasha and that's Natasha's mum, Natalie.

So, of course, as you all know, she's coming here

thinking she's here to cut hair,

but actually she's going to be performing on this stage

and we're going to give her the surprise of her life.

I think we can see her live now in a room downstairs,

so that's actually her doing, doing someone's hair.

So that's mum Natalie blow-drying away there.

The fun of this is that dress there...

You see that white dress there just behind Natalie?

That white dress hanging there is the actual dress

that Natasha is going to wear in her performance.

So this is the room, I'm going to go in it, that's right.

And I'm going to be having a haircut.

So I've got my, I've got my... er, my cape here.

Here we go. That's good. So that looks great,

that must look really good.

I need to wig up.

I look a little bit like a German tennis coach.

"GERMAN" ACCENT: OK, we're here for today's lesson.

We're going to be working on your backhand and your volleys.

It's actually changed my walk.

All right, I'm going to run round

and I'm going to get in position, OK?

Shh, I'll see you in a minute. I'm going round...

LAUGHTER

Looks amazing in here. Oh, my God, I've just seen my hair!

Close the door. Shh!

OK... Oh, my God, I didn't know I'd look this awful.

I can't tell you how authentic this looks. It's amazing.

It's a proper dressing room and I'll just sit here waiting for my haircut

and as soon as I say hello, get this thing down, OK?

All right. let's do it. Bring her up.

Bring her up. Bring Natasha up.

Are you nearly done? I've got a room ready for you now.

-Yeah.

-Are you happy just to finish it off?

-I am.

-And if I grab you and just grab your things...

-Yeah, yeah.

-Thank you so much.

-Looking lovely though, good job.

20 minutes.

Grab your things, we haven't got long. He's got to go on a minute.

-Right.

-So if you can just be quick for me.

-Off you go.

-Right, bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Thank you. After you.

Yeah, thanks for this. It's this way.

So who we've got now is our guest speaker, OK?

-Erm... he just needs a bit of style.

-Yeah.

-Nothing major.

-Er, maybe a little bit of hairspray something like that.

-That's fine.

-If you've got it with you, that'd be lovely.

-I think so, I'll check.

So it's just in there. I'll go and sort your mum out.

-Yeah, let me just check I've got hairspray.

-Got everything you need?

Because my mum's got my other hairspray.

Yeah, my mum's got my hairspray.

-Oh, OK. I'll go and grab it.

-Righty-o.

-OK, thank you.

Oh, do come in.

-Hello.

-Hello. Hello!

I didn't realise it'd be you. I'm under pressure now.

WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's going on? Oh, my God.

God.

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

What the hell?!

Your family are over there, Natasha. There's your dad, there's your nan.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm going to wee myself or something.

Come and join me on the stage.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Does my mum know?

Your mum knows, your mum knows.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our unexpected star of the show,

Natasha! WILD CHEERING

Welcome.

Oh, good lord.

Oh, my god.

Natasha, how are you feeling? That's a bit of a shock.

I just can't believe it. When I walked in and seen you,

I thought my nerves were going to go doing your hair.

How did you recognise me in a blonde wig?

You're very distinctive, sorry.

Not that distinct...

-I was dressed like a...

-It's this, it's this.

-..like a Bee Gee.

-Yeah.

You suddenly saw me and thought, "Oh, it's McIntyre,

"he's gone all Bee Gee. No wonder he needs a haircut."

Yeah, I was like what am I going to do with that?

Well, hopefully turn it back into this.

OK, Natasha, well, let me...

-So you know the girl I was just curling her hair?

-Yes.

Who was that?

Don't worry, you'll still get paid. It's, er...

I can't believe this.

No, that wasn't real, none of this is real.

-You've been set up by your mother...

-No way.

-..Natalie. Oh, there she is.

Your mum's in on it, Natasha, as is your dad Steve.

There's Steve-o and there's your nana.

-There's Pat, who only just made it.

-I can't believe this.

She only just made it. Pat was running late.

You've been in on this all weekend?

Oh, my God, I can't believe this. Like, honestly I can't.

I feel like I'm in a dream.

Well, regarding dreams, Natasha...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God.

-There's more to tonight than just, er, surprising you

because I understand that it's not just hairdressing

that you enjoy to do, is it?

-No. Oh, my God.

-What do you enjoy?

-I like singing.

You like singing.

Well, Natasha...

Oh, I'm going to have to sing.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no.

What we have for you is we have the Theatre Royal here

full of 2,500 people.

We also have... WHOOPING AND CHEERING

..a great deal of support for you, isn't that right?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cos tonight, we're going to make your singing dreams come true

and at the end of the show, you're going to be duetting, in fact,

-with somebody on this very stage...

-Oh, my God.

I know, you're going to have some time to calm down.

We'll get you a peppermint tea.

I think I'm going to wee myself.

If you wee yourself, Pat can tell you where the loos are.

I can't believe this!

I can't believe they got away with this.

I don't suppose you remember someone from school called CJ?

No way.

That's literally just a coincidence.

-That's literally just a coincidence.

-No way.

No, no, no!

No! Natasha thinks she's going to be duetting with CJ.

LAUGHTER

No, Natasha, CJ is literally here by coincidence.

Tonight, you're going to be duetting with none other

than showbiz West End legend,

it's Michael Ball!

Yes!

What?

Hello, my lovely.

-Nice to meet you. Oh, my God.

-What about that?

Oh, my life.

-I'm in my uniform and everything...

-It's OK, we've got...

Actually in that dressing room you were in earlier is a brand-new dress for you. We've got everything.

It's all ready to go, it's all in your size. We're going to put you through full hair and make-up.

We've got a huge performance, Michael's going to rehearse with you

and then you're going to perform at the end of the show.

-All I need to do is ask...

-I can't wait.

-Oh, my god.

-if you're up it, would you be our...

-Definitely, yeah!

-There you go.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, our unexpected star of the show,

Natasha!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh!

OK, now, ladies and gentlemen,

it is time for my favourite game of them all, it's Send To All!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

This is where I take a celebrity's mobile telephone

and send a text of my choosing and see what hilarious replies they get.

Each week, a very brave celebrity has agreed to hand their phone

over to me in exchange for seats in our glorious royal box.

So who's in our royal Send To All box this week?

Oh, divine!

It's Spice Girl Geri Horner!

-I love you. Oh!

-Hello. Hi.

-You look beautiful up there, Geri.

-Thank you.

Are you well? Now you've got... Where's Mr Horner?

He's on an aeroplane just coming back from Australia.

-That's a long flight.

-Yeah, a very long flight, yeah.

So he's missing this. When did you marry Mr Horner?

It was almost a year ago, actually.

-Almost a year ago.

-Yeah.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

-Because now you're Mrs Horner.

-I am, yeah.

OK, can I...? Oh, yes?

-I made you some cake.

-You made me some cake?

I made it for the first time, Welsh cake, coincidentally,

-a bara brith? Do you know bara brith?

-Yeah!

-Oh, this so lovely.

-Yay! OK.

You are going to be playing Send To All

so it's better that you give me the presents before that happens.

Yeah.

All I have to do is ask you to confirm that you haven't told anyone

you're playing this game, you haven't texted anyone in advance.

-No.

-All right, great.

Well, please, thank you so much for the cake,

-if you'd like to place the phone...

-Be nice.

..and the cake on our Send To All cushion.

-Do you want me to throw it?

-Pop the... No, no, there's a...

-Geri!

-Stand there.

Ah! Oh, thank you. Ah! Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, God!

I can't believe it.

That was a good catch!

You're a wild Spice Girl!

Well done!

Can I get your number? Have my whole phone, there you go!

Oh, before I get onto the phone,

I've got to find out what's going on with this Welsh cake, innit?

You're meant to have it with butter, apparently.

I'll just confirm with the Welsh people.

-Nanny June?

-Yes.

Is this a Welsh cake?

-Bara brith.

-I've got bad breath?

Rude nanny June!

You've got bad breath!

OK, oh!

Is it OK?

I'm going to finish the cake and then we'll come back.

Thank you so much for the cake, Geri.

And thank you so much for this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have Geri Horner's phone

and it's time to play Send To All!

Yeah, baby!

All right, I'm going to plug this phone into here

and that should come up on the screen.

Oh, yes.

That's Bluebell.

Oh, it's your beautiful daughter, Bluebell!

The message I'm going to send into your phone

to your contacts is, hi.

-Would you start with hi on a text? Hiya?

-Maybe hi, yeah.

"I'm doing a massage course...

"..and have to practice...

"..on all different body shapes.

"I REALLY think...

"you would be perfect.

"Are you up for it?"

How would you sign a text, Geri? G?

Yeah, G xx.

G xx. Like that?

Maybe one kiss.

-G x.

-Yeah.

So, that is the text, ladies and gentlemen.

"Hi, I'm doing a massage course

"and have to practice on all different body shapes.

"I REALLY think you'd be perfect. Are you up for it? G x."

-Shall I send it, ladies and gentlemen?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-It's gone!

-Oh my God!

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

A huge thank you to a fantastic sport, Geri Horner,

ladies and gentlemen!

And, of course, we will catch up with all the replies

that Geri gets later in the show.

OK, our next guests have been wowing audiences the world over.

They've flown in especially for tonight's performance,

two of them sat in seats,

the other two were in the overhead lockers.

See if you can work out who.

It's the Peres Brothers Group!

MUSIC: Feeling Good by Muse

The Peres Brothers Group, ladies and gentlemen!

Incredible! Well done!

Wow! Wow, wow, wow!

# And I'm feeling...

# Fat! #

That is so strong.

That is the only bit I can do with nobody else on my own, that.

I've got to be honest, that was hard enough!

Oh! Oh God!

So, I'm going to come down,

don't be alarmed, just to say hi to a few of you.

I don't want you to feel too safe, do you know what I mean?

You, you and you can feel completely safe, OK?

I'm going to come down just to say hi to a few people, OK? Hi!

-Hello, how are you?

-Good, thanks.

Front row, great seat until you realise this was in your face.

Unlucky!

-Hello, how are you? Have you got any kids?

-No.

-You're too young for kids?

-Just.

-Have you got kids?

-No.

-Nobody's got kids!

Have you got kids? You've got kids?

-Yes.

-You've got kids?

-Where are your kids?

-At home.

-Are they? What are their names?

-Lucy, Thomas and Grace.

Would they be these children?

Is that Lucy, Thomas and Grace?

-Are you Helena? Oh, my God! Are you Helena?

-Yeah.

Would like to stand up for me?

It's Helena, ladies and gentlemen. Helena!

Oh, good Lord.

So who's who?

That's Tom, then the younger's one's Grace and then Lucy.

-And who's that gentleman?

-Their dad.

-All right and what's his name?

-Andrew.

-Andrew, OK. Where are they right now?

-Home.

They're at home, OK. Would that be this home?

So, they're in there?

Are there any rules in the house?

There's loads of rules but they don't actually

work when they're with their dad.

I know what that's like. I know, I know.

When I'm babysitting, I don't even put the kids to sleep.

-I just wait...

-Neither does he.

-for nature to take its course

and then I wake them up and make them walk up the stairs,

that's what I do.

My kids play a lot of football in the house.

-Is that allowed in your house?

-No.

-No.

-And jumping on the furniture?

-No.

-You don't like that at all.

-No.

You seemed a little bit OK with the football

but you do not want them jumping on furniture.

Well, we can go now live to your house.

Oh, shut up!

Let's head in.

Oh dear, seems to be some music. What's going on? This isn't bedtime.

What happened?

Oh, my God, they changed the whole house into a football pitch!

What? Get off the furniture, Lucy!

It's absolute pandemonium.

Where is little Grace?

Oh, what?

-Oh, my God, my kitchen cupboards!

-Oh, the kitchen cupboards!

This doesn't... There's no sign of dad at all, Helena.

-Grace! Hi, Grace!

-Hello.

-I'm here with your mum.

You can stop, Grace.

No.

OK, let's get all the kids together, then, please.

There they are, Helena, it's your beautiful children!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right.

Who's cleaning all the mess?

-You.

-You.

LAUGHTER

OK, so the game is, Helena,

that I'm going to show you items that we know are in your home

and you have to get your children to get them within 20 seconds. OK?

All right, so, the first one, who are we going to give this one to...?

Let's go for Thomas,

-who has his arm in a sling to make things more difficult.

-Yes!

Thomas, let's reveal the item you need to find, please, for Mum.

Let's have a look. OK, there it is, and...

let's start the clock.

Fake tan glove in medicine cupboard.

He's got to go to the medicine... The fake tan glove.

In the medicine cupboard, medicine cupboard.

Oh, come on! We want the prize!

That's it, done! Easy. APPLAUSE

Yeah!

That is right.

Well done. There's no... Cos there's no medicine like fake tan.

-LAUGHTER

-No!

I was going to ask you where you'd been,

but obviously now we know, the medicine cabinet. OK!

LAUGHTER

All right, we're going to take Grace, it's baby Grace.

-How old is Grace? She's adorable.

-Six.

-Six years old.

All right and let's see what your item is.

OK, let's start the clock.

Um, it's a hair clip, cream.

It might be in the bathroom.

Come on, Grace!

-WHOOPING AND CHEERING

-Um, run upstairs.

Come on, Grace.

-In the bathroom.

-Up the stairs.

-The clock is ticking.

-Right, up there.

-The clock is...oh!

Grace, slow down! There it is on the floor.

Oh, she's got it! Oh! APPLAUSE

Incredible.

Wow!

Oh, with just one second to spare, ladies and gentlemen!

Just one second.

APPLAUSE

OK, and finally we have Lucy.

This should be no trouble at all, let's see what the item is.

-OK, let's do this.

-OK.

-Start the clock.

Um, Lucy in my bedroom in the wardrobe.

Oh, it's a blue jacket, it's a blue jacket, the flowery one.

It might be not,

it might be the other one, the other one, the same one.

-Lucy...

-Ten, nine, eight!

-Yeah, you got it.

Oh, we've got it, she's got it! Wow.

APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Helena.

Let's take a little look around the bedroom, kids.

Yeah, this is your, this is a little bit embarrassing,

that's your bedroom on national television.

What's all that, what's all that paint on the floor?

Um, we've been decorating.

-Do you sleep in that bed next to the...

-Mm.

-..next to the paint?

-Yeah!

-How long have you been sleeping next to the paint?

-Since 2012.

-Since... LAUGHTER

-That's amazing. Do you use it as a side table?

-Yeah.

-You do!

-You put your cup of tea on there in the morning?

-Yeah.

-And your glasses?

OK, so what room in the house needs...

Are you planning on finishing the decorating?

There's an en-suite, which is like a dump cupboard.

-The en-suite is a...?

-Dumping ground.

A dumping ground? LAUGHTER

All right, let's have a picture of this dumping ground.

So that, that's your bathroom, that's your,

-what you call an en-suite?

-Yeah.

-It's not exactly functional, is it?

-No.

All right, let's go and have a look at your en-suite now.

Is it over here?

Oh! APPLAUSE

It's your husband Andy on the loo!

That's right, Helena.

We've done up your en-suite!

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's Helena and her lovely family, what about that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There you go, quickly.

That was fun.

Ah, Helena's thrilled!

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Look at that, sweet.

That's it, it's all happening.

It's all happening.

It's all happening. OK.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I can tell you, of course, that we still

have to come our unexpected star of the show.

We've got some footage of Natasha actually rehearsing with Michael.

Oh, this is them.

I don't know if they're rehearsing so much

as he's...sort of pointing...

Oh, he's being, he's a real charmer, isn't he?

Lord. Yes, now I've performed in many West End plays.

No he's, he's basically chatting her up,

so hopefully, hopefully they're rehearsing.

But before that,

ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Geri,

what a great sport Geri has been to hand over her phone...

APPLAUSE ..which I have in my possession.

-Oh, no.

-Right, so let's just remind ourself what the text was...

LAUGHTER

-So we've sent that text and, er, let's just go through them.

-OK.

-So we'll start with "Andrez Wendy hub". Who's that?

-Oh, no!

-Do you remember the band Damage?

-Damage, yes.

Yeah, he's a singer in there

and he's now like a child psychologist

and he's kind of a friend.

Right, well, he's just come in with one word... "Absolutely."

-Oh, no.

-"Double kiss."

-Oh, no.

Wow. Hubby's on the plane

and going to get a little bit of a shock on landing.

LAUGHTER

-Er, your mother? Is this mother, just "Mother"?

-Yes.

SHRIEKS: Mother!

You put her down as "Mother"!

"Geraldine, sorry, I only had two massages in my life. I hate it."

It's got a great ending - "Try Katherine, she's my shape."

That's wonderful from Mum - "Oh, try Katherine, she's my shape."

-Everyone believes it's happening. Kevin...

-Oh, Kevin.

-Who's Kevin?

-Kevin is like the school chef...

-The school chef?

Well, I sometimes get him to help me, like over Christmas, you know

when there's loads of potatoes to peel, he comes over and helps me.

Geri, you've lost this audience.

LAUGHTER

When there's loads of potatoes to peel, you get the school chef?

"Oi, you! Come here! I've got some potatoes.

"Get peeling, all right?"

-He's really nice, though.

-Kevin's really nice.

-But you know, outside of him coming round to peel potatoes...

-Yeah.

-..he wouldn't expect this text.

-No.

Which is why he's opened with, "Me?"

And then he answers his own question, he goes, "Why not?

"When will it be? I'm in Canada between the 1st and the 12th."

Who's Joyce? This is a wonderful text back. Who's Joyce?

-Um, Joyce is my manager.

-Joyce is your manager.

-Yes.

She didn't know you were here either.

No, she's with the Rolling Stones at the moment.

-She's with the Rolling Stones?

-Yeah.

-Well, she's just come back

straight in, "Bring it on, baby".

I love that. "Bring it on, baby"!

Oh, my God, there's a classic.

"Farmer Clive."

-Oh, my God!

-I'm assuming he's a farmer.

-Yeah.

How do you know Farmer Clive?

-Because I was at this party...

-Yes.

..and, um, in the country, and...

I was going to surprise my husband and buy him some sheep.

-As you do.

-As you do.

-When you're an international pop star.

-Yeah.

-Surprise him with some sheep.

Yeah, so we got chatting, so I took his number. Oh, no!

-So you've only met him once...

-So he thinks I want to massage...

-..and it was about the possible purchase of some sheep.

-Yeah.

He's a farmer, he's called Clive and he's in your phone.

"I'm permanently in the lambing shed at the moment

"so it'd have to be on a straw bale."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I'm going to text him back - "I'm on my way."

No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

Geri has a very busy couple of months ahead of her.

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Geri Horner!

Very good.

What a fantastic sport, always so much fun.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for the performance

of our unexpected star of the show!

Earlier tonight, as you know,

Natasha came here thinking she was going to cut somebody's hair

but little did she know we were going to surprise her

and give her literally the shock of her life

and she's agreed to take part in the performance at the end of the show

because singing is her passion, it's her dream.

Well, now the time has come.

I'm going to introduce her like I introduce all of the acts.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce

a singer who has produced a string of number ones.

Unfortunately, they've all been haircuts.

Here tonight, duetting with the legendary Michael Ball,

it's our unexpected star of the show, hairdresser Natasha!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: The Prayer

# I pray you'll be our eyes... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# And watch us where we go

# And help us to be wise

# In times when we don't know

# Let this be our prayer

# When we lose our way

# Lead us to a place

# Guide us with your grace

-# To a place where we'll be safe. #

-APPLAUSE

# BOTH: Sognamo un mondo senza piu violenza

# Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza

# Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino

# Simbolo di pace e di fraternita

# La forza che ci da

# We ask that life be kind

# E il desiderio che

# And watch us from above

# Ognuno trovi amore

# We hope each soul will find

# Intorno e dentro a se

# Another soul to love

# Let this be our prayer

# Let this be our prayer

# Just like every child

# Just like every child

# Needs to find a place

# Guide us with your grace

# To a place where we'll be safe

# E la fede che

# Hai acceso in noi

# Sento che ci salvera. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Natasha!

Ladies and gentlemen, our unexpected star of the show, Natasha.

What about that?

CHEERING

And a huge thank you to Michael Ball too. Wow.

-Darling, that was unbelievable.

-Thank you.

-Bally, come on! That was fantastic.

-Thank you.

-How do you feel?

I'm shaking like a leaf. I hope it sounded all right.

CHEERING

Oh, well, how was it? How was it? It was breathtaking.

I couldn't hear, I was just singing whatever.

LAUGHTER

Hoping for the best.

That was Italian, or was that gibberish? I don't know.

I don't know how she did it, to be honest. I mean,

the shock of that happening and then to walk out and have to perform

like that. When we got backstage she was so keen to learn,

-so willing to get stuck in and she's got...

-You only get one chance, you only get one chance.

After that performance, you'll get more than one chance.

-Oh, I hope so.

-It's a beautiful voice.

Oh, that really was something.

This could be the beginning of something very special!

I can't believe it.

Natasha, you were so, so fantastic. Thank you so, so much.

-Thank you to Michael.

-Thank you.

And please, ladies and gentlemen, one more time,

-she's been spectacular.

-Take a bow.

-Take a bow.

It's our unexpected star of the show, Natasha!

APPLAUSE

And the fantastic Michael Ball.

A huge thank you to all of my guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Join me next week. We'll be playing Send To All with another celebrity

and of course there'll be another unexpected star of the show.

Until then, thank you very much. Good night, bravo, thank you!

Subtitles by Ericsson