Episode 2 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show...

Ronan Keating plays Celebrity Send To All.

Fabulously funny Josh Widdicombe.

Jaw-dropping acrobatics from Chilly and Fly.

Music from pop sensation Jess Glynne,

and rock god Bryan Adams.

And who will be our Unexpected Star?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show!

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING

Yay!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...

..and welcome to the Big Show!

We have a wonderful show for you tonight.

There'll be big star performances,

big laughs and big surprises, oh, yes!

And of course, I'll be playing my favourite game of them all -

Celebrity Send To All.

Ah! Fancy a bit of that?

And as ever, one member of the public

will be getting the biggest surprise of their life

when they become our Unexpected Star Of The Show.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

I do live here in London, so it's very convenient for me, obviously,

to come out and perform here, and it's a beautiful theatre.

It's an absolute pleasure to be here.

Because recently I've been doing gigs abroad, which is new.

And for some reason, I'm Norway's biggest comedian -

ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at Norway's biggest comedian.

I don't know how that's happened.

I've never really been to Scandinavia before.

The hotel was just all minimalist, you know?

Everything was just what you needed, you know -

there's just a bed, and a sink, but it was good.

Because normally, hotels, they get very confusing now.

You never know where the light switch is for stuff.

They have these sensor lights now where you go in the bathroom

and it just comes on, and you think, "Oh, that's good."

But then you're on the loo and it goes off,

and you have to try and get it back on.

So you're doing... You're doing things you don't really want to be doing.

And it's been so long since I've stayed in a hotel

that just had a normal tap that you turn on and you turn off.

I couldn't work the taps -

I'm in this hotel room in Oslo trying to get water...

And I called maintenance and the guy just came up and went,

"You do this, you do that. Idiot."

So I was very happy to be in this quite simple hotel room in Norway.

And what I really liked was just one switch, one master switch

next to the door that controlled the whole room.

So I thought, "Oh, this is so easy." Because normally,

you've got to find the switch for different sections of the room,

Then the lamps next to the bed, you don't know if it's on the neck,

you start fiddling for the neck.

Or you look at the wire - is it on the wire?

It's not on the wire or the neck, is it the neck or the wire?

And then after about 20 minutes, "Oh, it's the stampy one.

"It's the stampy one!"

So I was so thrilled that just one light turned everything off,

one switch turned everything off. So I went...

And this was after my gig, I'd had a couple of drinks and it was late.

And I thought, "Oh, I'll just switch that off, bedtime."

And it's hard to get back to the bed now because it's dark.

So I'm sort of, I'm doing that walk

when you're expecting to hit something.

So I got into my bed, and unbeknownst to me -

I have no idea why this was there -

there was a switch behind the pillow

that also controlled the same lights.

So I lay in the bed, and then all the lights in the room went on.

I thought someone had come in. "Hello? Hello?!

"Is there somebody there? Hello!

"Oh, that's very peculiar."

So I went over to the door...

turned the light off, dark again, made my way slowly...

back to the bed...

Got myself in, lay...

As soon as my head hit the pillow, the lights went back on!

What on earth is going on?

So I marched back quite quickly.

I convinced myself it was some kind of sensor.

So this time I was very, very careful.

I slowly got in the bed and nothing happened,

I was like, "Oh, this is fine."

Rolled over, the light went on again.

So I phoned maintenance. Now, bear in mind,

this man at maintenance already thinks

I'm completely mental as a person.

So I call him, I'm lying there now in the light

and there's a knock at the door, I go, "Oh, thank you,

"thank you for coming." He said, "Is it taps again?"

"No, the taps are fine.

"Look, watch this, the lights keep going on,

"and I don't know why, there's something wrong.

"After a certain amount of time, they just go on.

"I'm going to show you, all right?"

So I turn the light off,

and I'm standing in the dark with this Norwegian man.

I'm like, "Follow me, come with me."

And I'm holding him a bit, "Come on, come with me.

"Come on, come with me.

"All right, are you there?" "Yes."

"Just stand there, I'm just going to get into the bed, OK?"

I lay in the bed and nothing happened, I'm just lying,

I'm lying in the dark.

And he just stood there and went, "Please let me go."

"All right, go!" So he went, he was knocking over furniture,

he made his way out of the door in the dark,

I rolled over and the lights went on!

Aaaggh!

Now it is time for my favourite game in the whole world.

Why, of course, it's Send To All!

CHEERING

This, of course, is where I take somebody's mobile phone

and send a text of my choosing and see what hilarious replies they get.

So let's find out who's in our royal Send To All box this week.

Why, it's Ronan Keating!

CHEERING

Yes! Oh, Ronan! What a legend!

-Is that your wife?

-That's my wife Storm, yes.

-Oh, hi.

-I didn't know you were there! Nice to see you.

-You, too.

-Oh, great.

-Hi.

You're really clutching her hand there, you look nervous.

I'm a little bit nervous!

That's very sweet, don't worry. Well, how are you?

-How's it all going?

-Everything's good,

-new album out, so working on that.

-Right, what's it called?

-Time Of My Life.

-I love it, I love it already.

-Do you?

-I heard that it's going to be

25 years since Boyzone, is that right?

Yeah, end of next year is kind of when it began, yeah.

Oh, 25! CHEERING

That's pretty crazy.

-It is, right?

-But you look exactly the same.

-You do!

-I'm not so sure.

I can see the way you said that, you were like, "I know I look good."

And you've been spending a lot of time in Australia, is that right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm working on The Voice in Australia.

Oh, the programme. Not your own.

No, no! Yeah!

"If I'm going to practise, I need to get a long way from here."

Anyway, can I confirm that you've got no idea

-what text I'm going to put into your phone?

-Absolutely no idea.

-And you've not told anybody to expect a text...

-Not one person.

..from you tonight.

OK, well, I need to get your phone from you.

And we've got this contraption here,

so if you could just pop the phone into the cushion,

-and I'll bring that down, here we go.

-OK.

MUSIC: Life Is A Rollercoaster by Ronan Keating

# So don't fight it

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

# Life is a roller coaster

# Just got to ride it... #

You got it?

# I need you... #

All right, all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession -

thank you very much - of Ronan Keating's mobile telephone!

CHEERING

OK, I'm going to pop it in there

and then this should hopefully pop up.

Oh, this is fun.

Fatify!

What is Fati... Baldify!

All of your apps are about looking worse.

My kids, my kids put them on.

How do you do...?

How do you do Fatify?

-Hit the camera.

-Oh, hit the camera.

Yeah.

-And then I just press the middle bit?

-Yeah.

MICHAEL SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER

That is so frightening, the way the eyes keep going.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my...

What, so I've gotta do Baldify now. I'm sorry, I can't...

Oh, that was you!

That's Ronan, it's bald Ronan!

Oh!

That's... That's taken after the Christmas of 2023.

A little glimpse into the future, there.

Oh, wow, it's too fun.

Now it is time for me to play Send To All by sending a text message,

and we're just going to send it to his contacts

and we're going to see what replies he gets at the end of the show.

So we'll start with...

Feeling...

a little...

..insecure.

Do you...

still think...

I'm hot?

Ohhh!

I mean, Harry Styles...

..Bieber...

and that guy who plays Poldark?

Can I still...

compete...

..with these guys?

Let's sign it. How do you normally sign?

-I might say Ro sometimes.

-Ro?

-Yeah, depending on who I'm sending it to.

-R-O?

-Yeah, Ro.

Ro. OK.

# Ro, Ro, Ro...

# Your boat...

# Gently down the stream...

# Merrily, merrily... #

Ro. No kiss?

Ro. I don't know. Do you think I should go with no signing?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT

I'm sending it!

CHEERING

OK, all right.

Please, one more time, Ronan Keating, what a sport!

What a sport!

Thank you so much,

and we'll catch up with all your replies later in the show.

OK. Ladies and gentlemen,

I think it's time for a French-Canadian acrobatic duo

making their British television debut, what do you think?

CHEERING

Prepare to gasp in amazement

at the remarkable talents of Chilly and Fly!

CHEERING

MUSIC: In The Air by Morgan Page

HEARTBEAT THUMPS

MUSIC RESUMES

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

Chilly and Fly, ladies and gentlemen, Chilly and Fly!

Yay!

Amazing. Absolutely amazing, breathtaking, congratulations.

One more time, what about that? Chilly and Fly!

Oh! Thank you very much, brilliant!

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

we have some amazing stars on this stage tonight,

but one of our performers isn't actually at the theatre yet.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

That's because right now, they don't even know they're on the show.

You're going to love this.

Each week on the Big Show,

we're going to surprise a member of the public,

and they will be performing on this very stage

as our Unexpected Star Of The Show!

OK!

So this is Craig Haywood.

Oh, dear. There's Craig, Craig is a locksmith from Poole.

And we've called him out to the theatre tonight

to fix a broken lock.

Basically, he's going to come through into the back of the theatre

and we've mocked up a corridor that is a fake corridor,

that actually leads all the way to here.

And then I've got the last bit which we're going to fix on.

So he comes through the corridor and then there's a door here...

..which is locked!

So you really have to help here, you have to be totally quiet.

So he will be inside here trying to open this lock,

and then, of course, when he does open it,

you're all going to give him the biggest surprise of his life.

OK, you up for that?

CHEERING

Because later on,

he will then be performing, um...

at the end of the show, in, basically, a huge big production

that he obviously knows absolutely nothing about.

He's been set up by his boss Kim

and his wife Stacey, who I believe is here - Stacey?

Where are you, darling? Stacey?

There she is, Stace. I'm going to come down and chat to you.

Ladies and gentlemen, big round of applause for Stacey.

APPLAUSE

-Yes! Hello, Stacey, darling, nice to see you.

-Hello, nice to meet you.

Stacey, everyone. Stace... CHEERING

You look very beautiful.

-So how are you?

-I'm all right.

-A bit nervous.

-Where does Craig think you are?

He thinks I'm at home.

So it's really going to be so many surprises just to see you here...

-Yeah.

-..let alone to perform on the show.

-I know!

-Is he a bit of a performer?

Is he a confident man, Craig?

-He can be, yes, especially as a locksmith.

-Right.

-Thinks he's the best of the best.

-He thinks he can get through any lock?

Yeah, yeah, he thinks he can do any lock.

So he sees himself like as the James Bond of locksmithing?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

-All right. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

Stacey, who's set the whole thing up!

So Craig is on his way to the theatre right now

for the surprise of his life, and trust me,

his performance at the end of the show

is going to be truly spectacular

and will put his locksmith abilities to the ultimate test.

AUDIENCE WHOOPING

My next guest is a rock legend

who's topped the charts in over 40 countries.

His single Everything I Do, I Do It For You

was number one from when I was nine till when I was 22 years old.

Please welcome the absolutely fantastic - what a treat -

Bryan Adams is here!

CHEERING

# People believe what they wanna believe

# You gotta give thanks for what you're about to receive

# You mighta bit off more than you can chew

# Deep inside, stay true to you

# You got to do what you gotta do

# Yeah, do what you gotta do

# You got to do what you gotta do

# You might take a hit You might take a punch

# There ain't no such thing as a free lunch

# Nobody knows what you've been through

# Or what it's like to be in your shoes

# You got to do what you gotta do

# Yeah, do what you gotta do

# Ohhhhh!

# Do what you gotta do

# Do what you gotta do

# What goes around comes around

# Do what you gotta do

# You gotta keep both feet on the ground

# Do what you gotta do

# You mighta bit off more than you can chew

# Deep inside, stay true to you

# You got to do what you gotta do

# Yeah, do what you gotta do

# You got to do what you gotta do

# Do what you gotta do

# You gotta, you gotta, you gotta! #

CHEERING

# She said her love for me could never die

# But that'd change if she ever found out about you and I

# Oh, but her love is cold

# It wouldn't hurt her if she didn't know

# Cos when it gets too much

# I need to feel your touch

# I'm gonna run to you

# I'm gonna run to you

# Cos when the feeling's right I'm gonna run all night

# I'm gonna run to you

# Oh, I'm gonna run to you

# I'm gonna run to you

# Cos when the feeling's right I'm gonna run all night

# I'm gonna run to you

# I'm gonna run to you

# I'm gonna run to you

# Yeah!

# Run to you! #

Thank you!

CHEERING

The wonderful Bryan Adams!

Oh what a pleasure, what a treat!

Thank you so, so much for coming on.

Oh, what a pleasure. One more time, the legendary Bryan Adams!

CHEERING Come on!

MICHAEL SINGS: # The feeling's right, I'm gonna run all night

# I'm gonna run to you

# Yeah, I'm gonna run to you! #

Love that!

OK, ladies and gentlemen, very exciting news.

Craig, our Unexpected Star Of The Show,

is in the building - he's in the building, OK?

He's in our backstage office right now and I think we have live...

Can we go to him live? That's him live.

So there he is, Craig on the right, and that is - is that Kim, his boss?

So that on the left is Kim - his boss who's in on it - right?

And they're just chatting, aren't they? About locks and stuff.

Is he showing off now? Craig, he's like,

"I could probably open any lock, me, I've got it all.

"Seriously. See those shoelaces?

"I could undo 'em, do 'em up without you even knowing.

"In fact, I just did it now, did you see? Did you see?

"I did it with my left hand.

"You see the hand I'm banging? I did it with that hand.

"You did that to my foot that I'm wiggling right now?"

"Yes, I did, Kim. And you see that light over there?

"I just changed it, that's how fast I am."

Anyway, Craig will be called away shortly

to pick the lock of a door that is attached to the fake corridor.

So here we have our corridor, as I've mentioned.

Right, so he's going to come through here

and then he will find the door locked here.

There should be a camera picking me up here, can you see me there?

So here's the lock, here's the lock here,

so he's going to have to fiddle with this... Fiddle like that.

He's literally going to open it and that's what's going to happen.

CHEERING

Not only is Craig going to have to open this lock

using all his locksmith skills -

and be given the surprise of his life by seeing all you -

to find out he's on the show tonight,

but we're also going to surprise him with who set him up tonight

by giving him another challenge

to unpick this rather difficult-looking lock,

and inside Stacey...

Are you all right, Stacey? How are you doing in there?

Knock twice if you're OK.

Stacey, knock twice if you're OK.

Fantastic.

Right.

Oh, I forgot to lock the door, forgot!

HE LAUGHS

It was nearly the easiest job of his life!

All right, so I'm going to lock... I'm going to lock that door,

that's locked.

OK.

All right, we're ready, so I say we go and get him.

Let's go and get him, let's bring him up.

-Oh, here we go, here we go.

-Hello. Sorry,

I know we've been a long, long time waiting, haven't we?

Are you the best man for the job, do you mind?

We've only brought, like, certain stuff with us,

so if I've got it, I'll do it, it's no problem.

All right. Sorry, if you wait here, I think...

he's going to be on his way anyway shortly.

-We'll come back for you.

-Yeah, no worries.

-Thanks for this, much appreciated.

-That's all right.

It happens all the time in this place, you know.

-I'd like to see how you do it, actually...

-Not too much pressure!

Yeah, sorry for keeping you waiting, by the way.

-No, that's all right.

-Right, here we go.

So it's just this lock here.

Yeah, I think it's that one. Yeah, that one just there, yeah.

-It's locked still, yeah.

-OK.

Take a quick look at it.

-Is that your boss downstairs, is it?

-Er, yeah.

-What's he like? Nice guy?

-Yeah, he's cool.

-Yeah.

-He is a nice guy.

-Good.

Have a look at this!

-What are you doing exactly?

-Er, just...

-trying to pick it.

-Yeah, OK.

You've done it! Push that open for me.

CHEERING

How are you doing, Craig? It's Craig, our locksmith!

Go on, my son! Good to see you, Craigy.

Don't forget your tools, don't forget your tools!

What are you without your tools, Craig?

Craig, Craig, welcome. Obviously this is not a normal job.

No!

-We've played a little surprise on you.

-Oh, really(?)

With the help... With the help of your mate Kim. There he is!

So, there's 2,000 people in this theatre,

we've got an amazing show tonight.

-So you had no idea about this?

-Er, no.

So, tell me, Craig, how good a locksmith do you think you are?

Oh, right! You can't ask me that in front of 2,000 people.

Um...I do OK.

Could you get past any lock, do you think?

Has any lock defeated you?

Er...yeah, yeah.

Oops!

All right, so, a simple padlock.

-We've got another lock over here, you've got your tools.

-OK.

So we've got a little bit of a problem with this.

Well, to be honest, it was delivered by accident, but, you know...

I just want to know what's in it. So, padlock, what do you think?

-Pretty standard, think you can get in there?

-Yeah, I'll give it a go.

How long do you think it would take you to open?

-Got any bolt cutters?

-Bolt cutters?!

Um...I don't know!

All right, good luck. Let's see if you can get that one open.

All right, let's give him a little bit of atmosphere

as we see Craig opening doors.

AUDIENCE CLAP There he goes. He's hard at work.

Look at that, got it all in here.

He's got things in his mouth, he's poking around.

There's sparks flying, ladies and gentlemen,

sparks are flying in the lock.

CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello!

It's your beautiful wife, Stacey.

There you go!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Craig and Stacey!

OK. Stacey, if you'd like to take your seat back in the audience,

Craig, come with me.

OK, thank you! Well done.

OK, Craig, you've proved yourself as a top locksmith.

And we didn't just bring you here to open a few locks,

you're here to take part in

the ultimate challenge for any locksmith.

To hear what you're going to do tonight, Craig...

-OK.

-..I'm going to pass you over

to one of the world's leading illusionists, Jamie Allan.

Craig, this is the ultimate escapology trick.

It's never been performed on British television.

That's why we chose you, Craig,

because only the James Bond of locksmiths

could attempt such a terrifying task.

You're going to have to use

all of your unparalleled lockpicking abilities

to free yourself before the spinning saws of doom

turn you into wafer-thin slices.

LAUGHTER

Is there any way we make it an easier trick?

Maybe just... If he can just open a door that's already open,

something like that?

I think you can do it, I think you can do it.

Do you think Craig can do this?

CHEERING Craig can do this.

All right, Craigy, all right.

-So you're going to go backstage, rehearse with Jamie, OK?

-OK.

And you're going to come back at the end of the show

-to perform that trick for us.

-All right.

All I have to ask you, Craigy - are you up for it?

-Yeah, I'm up for it.

-Go on, then, Craig!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star Of The Show!

It's our locksmith, Craig! Brilliant.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, we have the wonderful Ronan Keating here

playing Send To All!

I wonder how it's going.

Do we know how many texts Ronan's got back so far?

LAUGHTER

Apparently some corkers, which is very exciting.

My next guest is quite simply one of my favourite comedians

and one of the hottest stand-ups in the country right now.

WHOOPING

And I'm so pleased to have him on my show tonight.

Please welcome star of The Last Leg and his own BBC sitcom, Josh...

It's the wonderful Josh Widdicombe!

Widdies!

MUSIC: Alright by Supergrass

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

WHOOPING

Yes. Yes, you're right to woo, yes.

Er, it's a genuine pleasure to be here.

It's lovely to be out of the house. It is. I try and...

Some people just laughing at the idea I ever leave the house.

But I do, I do. I eat out.

I had a situation in a restaurant... Have you had this recently?

I went in, I just got offered some free bread.

We went in, sat down and he went, um, "Here's the menus",

then he went, "Before you start, do you want some bread?"

"No.

"No, because I'm not a duck."

LAUGHTER

I mean, if I wanted some bread I'd be down at the pond with my mates.

I mean, how bad is the food on your menu?

"There's the menu, but I'd fill up on bread if I was you, mate, it's awful."

Then he came over, I thought he was going to take my order,

he said, "Do you want some more bread?"

Who's in the kitchen - Jesus?

Best bread in a restaurant - we all know it - naan bread.

Oh, I love naan bread - only in a restaurant.

Don't make the mistake I did a few weeks ago,

try and recapture the glory with a supermarket naan bread.

Who do they think they are kidding?

That is not and has never will be a naan bread.

If they brought one of them out in a restaurant,

"Sorry, is this a prank? Because I asked for a naan bread

"and you've brought me out a piece of futon."

And yes, I have tried sprinkling droplets of water on it!

It makes no difference!

There I am hunched over my tap with my supermarket naan bread,

splashing away like I'm trying to keep a beached whale alive.

It's like I'm waterboarding my naan bread for information.

"Tell me why poppadoms are so moreish!"

It just runs off - it's waterproof!

How have I got a bit of food that is both wet and dry at the same time?

I could use it as an edible umbrella.

I only do British holidays. I do. I don't like flying.

My parents will go on these foreign holidays.

My parents are the kind of people that will go abroad and then

get you presents from their holiday.

No-one wants this.

Last year they came back with a key ring that said "Morocco".

So every time I get my keys out I can go, "Oh, yeah.

"I haven't been to Morocco."

My dad will always buy these gifts.

I remember we went a few years ago on a family holiday to York.

We're there, he's buying all this stuff from the gift shop.

I said, "Why are you buying this tat?" He said, "Well, you know,

"we should buy people some things to show them we've been to York."

I said, "I think they'll believe us."

I don't think they're going to ask for evidence.

"Unless you've got a multicoloured rubber with the word 'York' on it

"I'm not buying that tall story."

What is this, a holiday or an alibi?

The main reason I don't go on holiday abroad, I don't like flying.

It terrifies me. I'm afraid of flying.

I don't know how people aren't afraid of flying.

About a year ago I was at an airport. All the flights were cancelled due to bad weather.

People were complaining! Why are you complaining?

Surely far worse would be

you turn up at the airport and the announcement comes...

and your flight is the only one that isn't cancelled.

"EasyJet Flight E4597 is going to have a go for it."

Tell you the announcement I hate. When you get on the flight, they go,

"Just so you know, we're about half an hour late taking off

"but don't worry, I'll try and make up a bit of time in the air."

I don't want to hear that. I'm scared enough as it is

without the news you're going to be speeding.

Might as well go, "Just so you know, we're a couple of hours behind

"but don't worry, I know a short cut across North Korean airspace."

"Who fancies the loop-the-loop? You only live once - let's do it!"

And the entertainment's not enough to distract you.

There's the films. The other option, isn't it,

watching that computerised map of your journey - who is that for?

"No, I'm not really into films.

"No, I think I'll just watch the satnav for the next six hours, yeah."

I don't need to know how far I am on my journey.

I tell you what - I'm going to get off when I land!

I'm not going to go, "Oh, I'm going over my house, I'll just jump out here."

There's all the pointless stats below - outside temperature.

Who cares? I'm in here!

Outside temperature, minus 20. "Oh, thank God I checked

"because I was going to nip out for a fag."

LAUGHTER

"Well, I'd better put my parka on before I go wing walking."

And then they turn the entertainment off as you're coming in to land.

They'll just turn it off. Why?

I'm sorry, it's a video player.

I refuse to accept the technology interferes.

"Oh, yeah, we're going to have to turn it off because it turns out

"the pause button is also the one that brings the wheels up and down."

"You don't want to happen what happened the other day -

"we came into land, someone pressed fast forward and we only took off again."

Er, you have been an absolute lovely audience.

It's a genuine honour to play this. It's...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's just so nice. Thank you very much.

Hope to see you again. Thank you very much. Cheers. Goodnight!

Widdies! Thanks, Joshy.

Josh Widdicombe, ladies and gentlemen!

We love Josh Widdicombe.

Stace, I've just seen Craig backstage

and he seems quite cool now, you know, he's settling in.

He seems very relaxed and he's been rehearsing

and I think we have some footage of Craig rehearsing there...

Well, there, he's showing him the lock.

Doesn't really look like they're rehearsing,

they're just chatting about, "So, how do you not open it again?

"You put it in there and then you twist it."

They're having a chat,

so basically all I can tell you is that they're on it. Craig is on it.

Anyway, Ronan, how are you? Are you enjoying the show tonight?

-I am loving the show.

-It's fun, isn't it?

-My jaw's hurting.

-Yay!

-I can't stop laughing - it's terrible.

-That's good, that's good.

So I am in possession of your phone. It's in my pocket.

Um, I don't know what replies you've got.

I want to experience this with you.

Let's remind everybody the text that I sent.

Well, we've sent it with the phone

and it's time to see what responses we got.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ronan Keating playing Celebrity Send To All.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, we have had lots of replies.

Gerard Keating?

-My brother, yeah.

-Your brother.

It's just an amazing text from your brother.

He literally texted...

"No."

It's great to get that level of family support.

"Am I hot? Feeling a bit insecure. Can I compete with these guys?"

"No."

Shane-o?

Shane from Boyzone, Shane-o, yeah.

He said, "It's borderline, bro..."

"but if you hang out with me a bit more I'll guarantee

"you'll stay cool and current."

They're so good because they're not really suspecting.

Is this the kind of text you'd normally send, that starts

with, "I'm feeling a bit insecure"?

-It's...

-Oh, this is great.

-It's a regular thing.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah.

Who's Amanda Abbington?

The actress, yeah.

She just texted, "Is this that guy from Westlife?"

Ouch!

APPLAUSE

I think she deserves a text back.

-Yeah.

-"How very dare you!"

Yeah.

OK... Sam Burgess?

Yeah, the rugby player.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

-You're very well connected.

-Thanks.

Well, Sam Burgess has given you three emojis of people crying with

laughter and then he's gone, "I'd say a solid eight out of ten."

-I'll take that from Sam.

-He's going to take that.

-Yeah.

He's going to take that from Sam.

Gary Keating, a relative?

-My brother, yeah.

-There's your brother.

"Bieber and Poldark don't have a patch on you.

"Harry is a tough one, though."

Oh, that's lovely.

Oh, Matt Goss!

Oh, really?

-I love that you've got Matt Goss's number.

-I love Matt!

# When will I, will I be famous? #

He's started with, "Brother, I think you meant to send this to someone else. LOL...

"But you're definitely hot, sweetheart."

Russell C. Who's Russell C?

-Russell Crowe.

-Oh, God.

LAUGHTER

-Who's...?

-That's Russell Crowe.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Russell Crowe? Gladiator?

"My name is Maximus Aurelius Maximus..."

I really don't want...

"Father of a murdered son, son to a murdered father

"and I shall get my vengeance, Ronan Keating."

I... I really didn't want him to respond.

-Oh, nothing gets past Crowe.

-Right.

"Ha-ha, someone's got your phone, mate."

Thank God, thank God!

"Yes, I have his phone.

"And my name is Maximus..."

-No.

-"Father of a murdered son..."

Shall I send that?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Right, that's gone to Russell Crowe.

All right, I think that's it unless anything comes through

while we were... Oh, yes, something has just come through.

HIGH-PITCHED: # She smiled at me on the subway, but she was with another man... #

James Blunt has just texted while I was standing here.

That's just come through. I just want to hold this phone all night.

OK, James Blunt says, "Ronan, you are the king."

WHOOPING

"They are all just cheap imitations of you.

"You will always..." It's not, it's not finished.

"You will always be number one. PS - we should be together."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, absolutely truly amazing -

Ronan Keating playing Send To All. What about that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, brilliant. Russell Crowe!

So, the time has come

for our unexpected star of the show to perform!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it is locksmith Craig's big moment!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Earlier tonight, as you may remember,

Craig came here to open a locked door

and he has agreed, heroically, to be our unexpected star of the show.

So I don't want to miss this, so I'm going to come into the audience

and join you, Stace, if that's OK.

I'm coming down, all right?

So do you think you can... Sorry, do you mind moving up

if you don't mind? I'll just... I'll just sit in here.

OK. Oh, well, there's a popcorn in here as well.

Oh, that's actually...

Do you want to help yourself?

Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come -

please welcome illusionist Jamie Allan tonight here

with our unexpected star of the show... It's Craig the locksmith!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Craig, this is a trick I've wanted to try for a long time.

But I've never really had anybody with the right credentials to do it.

I'm going to lock you in place, Craig, between these two

industrial spinning buzz saws.

And they move into this box by means of these high-pressure air rams

and they do it in a little under ten seconds

and once they start, they will not stop.

So, Craig, you think you're the James Bond of locksmiths?

James Bond always escapes.

Let's see if you can.

CHEERING

DRAMATIC MUSIC

METAL GRINDS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There he is! There he is!

Oh, what?

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Craig,

our unexpected star of the show!

How on earth? How on earth?!

Stacey had her heart in her mouth when the things...

And she was talking to me about insurance and the will.

It was very, very stressful for us!

And, of course, huge thanks and congratulations -

Jamie Allan, ladies and gentlemen. What about that?

-Jamie, thank you so much.

-Thank you.

-Incredible.

And one more time, did you enjoy that, Craig?

Yeah, yeah.

You seem a lot more relaxed and you look so spectacular in this get-up.

I feel like Austin Powers in this suit.

Didn't he wear one the same colour?

Absolutely incredible. Did you enjoy the whole experience?

-Awesome, yeah, thanks very much for having me.

-Amazing.

Well, what about that, ladies and gentlemen? Please...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a fantastic sport. He's really been through it tonight.

One more time for the unexpected star of our show tonight -

it's Craig the locksmith!

CHEERING

And a huge thank you, ladies and gentlemen, to all my guests tonight.

Join me next week, where somebody else will be given the surprise

of their life and become the unexpected star of the show.

Another celebrity, of course, will be playing Send To All and there'll

be more fun and games with you, the audience, and star performances.

But right now, singing us out

is a multi-million single selling pop sensation.

It's the wonderful Jess Glynne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Ain't Got Far to Go by Jess Glynne

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

# Birds fly, we turned finally free

# Patience lost, I began to lose me

# My advice would be, take a breath

# Close your eyes and take a step

# I wasn't scared I fought this on my own

# You pulled me down and I let you go

# I told you I would prove you wrong

# And now I'm here and I'm standing strong

# I know

# I know, I know

# I know

# I know, I know

# I know

# That I ain't got far to go, go, go

# Cos I spent forever waiting

# And it's no longer a dream

# And now I've landed on my feet

# And I ain't got far to go

# Oh-ho-ho-hold tight, rollercoaster, here we go

# Florida, Orlando, I ain't playing with you

# Day one, I said I'd go for me

# One box ticked, got a lot to beat

# I wasn't scared I fought this on my own

# You pulled me down and I let you go

# I told you I would prove you wrong

# And now I'm here and I'm standing strong, yeah

# I know

# I know, I know

# I know

# I know, I know

# I know

# That I ain't got far to go, go, go

# Cos I spent forever waiting

# And it's no longer a dream

# And now I've landed on my feet

# And I ain't got far to go

# I'm here to stay, I'm here to stay

-# Amen

-Amen

-# Oh, amen

-Amen

# And if I had to go back in time

-# I would just do it again

-Again

-# Oh, again

-Again

# Hey, hey, hey, I

# Hey, hey, hey, I

# I know

# I, I ain't got far to go

# Hey, hey, hey, I

# Hey, hey, hey, I

# I, I know

# I, I, I ain't got far to go

# I know

# I know, I know

# I know

# Oh, I know, I know

# I know

# That I ain't got far to go, go, go

# Cos I spent forever waiting

# And it's no longer a dream

# And now I've landed on my feet

# And I ain't got far to go, go, go

# Cos I spent forever waiting

# And it's no longer a dream

# And now I've landed on my feet

# And I ain't got far to go

# And, and I ain't

# And, and I, oh

# And, and I ain't

# And, and I, oh

# And, and I ain't

# And, and I, oh

# And I ain't got far to go, go, go. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.