Episode 3 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show...

Dragon Peter Jones plays Celebrity Send To All,

hilarious comedy from Romesh Ranganathan,

flamenco-dancing brothers Los Vivancos,

the legend that is Rod Stewart

and who will be our Unexpected Star?

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ladies and gentlemen it's the Big Show!

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

THUD!

KNOCKING

GLASS BREAKING

Oh, yes!

Good evening, hello, hi.

You all right?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my Big Show!

That's what's happening.

So we have a fantastic show for you this evening - are you up for that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll be playing my favourite game of them all,

-Celebrity Send To All - yes, mm. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And as ever, one person will be getting

the biggest surprise of their life,

when we find out who will be our latest Unexpected Star of the show.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

This really is a magnificent theatre.

I should say hello to everybody at the top - are you OK up there?

CHEERING Yes!

You're not in the best seats.

Is there...can everybody see? Is there any....?

-GALLERY:

-No!

-LAUGHTER

That's not gone well. You liked that, didn't you?

Look how smug you're looking right now.

"Well, I did get here early enough and I took my seat in the stalls."

A lot of these old theatres,

they have restricted-view seating that they sell.

I don't know, first of all, why those seats are there.

Why do they do that?

Who sees a pillar in a theatre and just thinks,

"We'll just put a seat behind there and sell it on the cheap."

Do people feel pleased with getting a bargain?

"I went out last night to the theatre,

"I saw The Lion, The Witch...

"I never saw the wardrobe, but I did get a great deal on the tickets.

"I saw Snow White and I counted four dwarves, four out of seven,

"that's good enough for me."

The weather's getting nicer, have you noticed?

It's got springy, it's got a bit springy.

I've started watching the weather forecast again

cos I don't watch it in the winter.

I don't see the point.

Who watches the weather forecast? It's so boring.

"It's going to be 4, and then 6 in the afternoon",

and people watch this, going, "That's exciting,

"we should go out in the afternoon, it's going to be 6."

But I'm watching it again cos it's getting quite fun,

but they do tell you things you don't need to know -

like, I need to know if it's going to be windy,

I need to know the speed of the wind, obviously.

I don't think I need to know the direction.

Why do they tell us the direction?

"It's going to be a stiff north-easterly breeze."

I'm not sailing to work, I really don't care.

Are people leaving slightly later?

"Oh, with a tailwind,

"I'll get there in half the time, this is fantastic!"

Are people walking around with compasses?

"Well, they got that wrong."

And I think it's about time they stop with the pressure.

Nobody knows what pressure is on the weather.

Nobody has any idea what it means

but they keep telling us about the pressure -

"There's going to be some high pressure coming in here,

"and later in the week, there's going to be low pressure."

We just go, "Oh, I don't care."

No-one's changed their plans according to the pressure,

No-one's ever shown up -

"Sorry I'm late, I got stuck in the pressure."

We don't know what it means.

I tell you, though, the weather's no good

if you live in Scotland or Northern Ireland,

cos at the end of every weather forecast, they always go,

"except Scotland and Northern Ireland.

"You won't be getting any nice weather at all,

"you'll have what you're used to - rain and misery."

The weather's terrible there.

I lived in Scotland for about a year.

You know when it gets cold here in England

and you can see your breath, you know,

because it's rare, so you comment on it, you know...

HE EXHALES "Oh! Oh, darling, look..."

HE EXHALES

"It's cold - look, children, you can see my breath, it's cold."

HE EXHALES "You do it..."

It's a novelty.

In Scotland, it's like that every day.

They actually freak out when they can't see their breath.

They panic when they're on holiday, they wake each other up in the night -

SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Oh, sorry, Ken.

"I thought you were dead.

"I didn't see anything coming out of your face.

"It's so disconcerting here with the temperatures in Lanzarote."

APPLAUSE

Now it is time for my favourite game in the whole wide world -

it's Send To All!

Of course...this is where I take somebody's mobile telephone -

a celebrity, indeed -

and I send a text of my choosing to their contacts

and then we see what hilarious replies they get

at the end of the show.

So let's see who's in our Celebrity Send To All box this week.

Why, it's none other...

than Dragons Den's...

Peter Jones is here! Jonesy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, Jonesy.

Michael...

Lovely to see you. Thank you so, so much for being here.

Are you all right? Enjoying the show?

I'm all right - I brought my mum here today.

Aw! APPLAUSE

-Hello, hi, Mum.

-Hello.

-Nice to see you.

-A special treat.

It was slightly tactical as well, cos I knew

you wouldn't be horrible to me if I brought my mum here.

-And who's this gentleman?

-And this is my father, David.

APPLAUSE

Nice to meet you, Mum and Dad, what a pleasure.

Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Jones has brought his parents.

Wow.

You are a fantastic sport for agreeing to do this.

You are very successful, Peter, we can't deny that.

You're in this TV show where you invest in businesses,

so how many businesses are you now involved in?

We've got 28 at the moment, yeah.

That's amazing, to have 28 businesses.

OK, but you're a very modest and very wonderful person

and I know you personally

and I'm so grateful for you coming here and doing this

and I hope we can remain friends after tonight.

PETER LAUGHS

So what I'm going to do, Peter, is I would like to confirm with you,

you have no idea the text that I'm going to send into your phone,

you don't know the text I'm going to write.

-Not at all.

-You haven't told anybody in your phone

to expect a text of any kind?

Well, thank you for doing that.

So if I could ask you to place your mobile

into this contraption here, which is... It's a delivery system.

If I'm honest, it looks like...

Oh, my goodness, you've brought a lot of coats.

It's not that cold - how many coats do you need?

APPLAUSE

"What time's the show start? What's the forecast say?"

All right - so, here we have this contraption,

which, if I'm honest, it looks like some of the junk

people come into Dragons Den with.

This probably would just make the montage bit -

"Earlier tonight on Dragons Den,

"we had this contraption for bringing phones downstairs."

All right, here we go, it's coming...coming down here,

there we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession

of Peter Jones' phone, Jonesy!

He's my favourite Dragon!

So, apparently, this should pop up on the screen, uh...now!

Yeah!

Oh, Peter, you look so tense - don't worry, you're in safe hands.

Brain... Oh, this classic, look at that one up there!

Brain Games.

We're all looking at this going,

"We should get these apps cos it might make us really rich."

These are the apps of a rich man.

Doodle Jump? What on earth is Doodle Jump?

-You have to keep jumping...

-Can I play Doodle Jump?

What do I do?

Yeah, that's it!

What do I do?

Turn it! Turn it!

That's it, that's it.

Oh, game over!

APPLAUSE

Oh, wow.

Oh, look, it's got advertising -

you couldn't even be bothered to pay for the full game.

PETER LAUGHS

Classic Jonesy - unbelievable.

Oh, photos that...that seems like that would be...

Oh, my God.

What's that, Jonesy? Where's that?

That's my house in Barbados.

-Oh. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

"Hi, Peter, where are you?" "Er, just Doodle Jumping in Barbs."

Peter, most people, when they're on holiday,

take photos of other people on holiday with them,

they don't just walk around going,

"I own that, brilliant."

PETER LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

There's nothing wrong with that picture, apart from the fact...

Who's taking it? Who's taking that picture?

I think Tara, my other half, took it

to...to try and get me in the gym.

Right.

I think you're looking pretty good, Peter.

I suspect you took that yourself on a timer.

PETER LAUGHS

I think you spent quite a long time

setting the phone up against the sun lounger

and then obviously, when you got on the lilo,

it started going in the wrong direction.

You had to time it just right - "Here it comes."

Good old Jonesy.

Oh, my goodness, what's... Who's that?

-Oh...

-Is that you?!

-That's me.

-Oh, my God!

MICHAEL LAUGHS

Oh, my God - is this Undercover Boss?

Yeah, no, so... What this was

was me going into Jessops when I first bought it.

Your life is absolutely sensational!

So you went in there, dressed as a person.

Yeah, so I went three hours with prosthetics to try,

-so people wouldn't recognise me...

-Right.

..and we filmed it undercover to see what it would be like

to, sort of, work in the store.

And how was it?

It was a massive experience but the worst thing

was that so many people recognised me.

-People recognised you?

-And I...

Yeah, they recognised you as a Hairy Biker.

I look at that and I think I'd recognise myself as well, which is sad.

Oh, I love this. There's a lot of fun in your life.

Ant and Dec? Ant and Dec?!

-What's this about?

-This was about...

This was a thing that pitched on Dragons Den called Tangle Teeze.

-Right.

-And I said,

"It's not going to work, it's just not going to work",

and they text me saying, "It's not going to work?"

It's sold about £30 million worth of products.

What does it do?

It untangles your hair.

And they...they use it? Ant and Dec...?

No, they...they bought it and text it to me.

-Oh, wow.

-Sent the picture to tease me.

GEORDIE ACCENT: "Oh, look at that -

"let's tease Peter Jones about Tangle Teeze."

"I can't believe he didn't invest in this."

All right - here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

This is the text I'm putting into Peter Jones' phone

and, let's be honest, whatever happens tonight,

he's going to be OK.

The options of where Peter can hide are...

Well, he can go to his house in Barbados

or he can put full prosthetics on and be a hairy biker in Jessops.

All right, let's open with this...

"Not gonna lie,

"I've had a few drinks..."

Oh, God. Oh, no.

I think that sets us up nicely for the rest of it.

"Just closed a ridiculously big deal."

You're going to like this, Pete, you are going to LOVE this.

"Time to...share the wealth.

"10k..."

AUDIENCE GASPS

"..for the first...

"..ten people..."

CHEERING

PETER'S MUM LAUGHS

You're my mum!

"..who give me a good reason..."

"..why they should have the money.

"PJ x."

Oh, you know what? It says you've had a few drinks

so I'm going to do the accidental "C" instead of a kiss.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MICHAEL LAUGHS

That is gold.

Peter, is it worse than you thought?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

It's £100,000, Michael.

-That is, that is 100, yes...

-Yeah.

-No, wow, well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, shall I send this text?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Oh, God, it's going.

It's gone.

Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Jones, what an amazing sport.

Look at that - thank you so, so much.

We'll catch up with Peter later on and see what replies we get.

OK, my next guests are performing

for the very first time ever on British television.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

They are seven sexy flamenco-dancing brothers

who hail from Espana

and don't have a shirt between them.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

It's something for the mums -

Los Vivancos!

DANCE BEAT

ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Los Vivancos, ladies and gentlemen!

Marvellous! Thank you so much, incredible.

And I would like to take this opportunity,

ladies and gentlemen, to say that I have a revelation.

I am not Michael.

I am Miguel.

SPANISH ACCENT: For years, I have been masquerading

as a Chinese comedian.

But the truth is I am your brother.

MUSIC PLAYS

THEY CLAP IN TIME

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE PUFFS FRANTICALLY

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Los Vivancos, ladies and gentlemen!

OK - right, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out

who is tonight's Unexpected Star of the show!

Yes, every week on the Big Show,

we have surprised a member of the public

who think they're coming to the theatre for work,

but are actually here to perform.

This is Adam Heapy.

He is an electrician

and he thinks he is coming to the theatre tonight

to fix an electrical fault.

But that's not the plan at all, ladies and gentlemen,

because Adam is known to his friends, family and colleagues

as the Singing Electrician.

HE LIP-SYNCS

His dream is to be a singer.

Well, tonight, we're going to make Adam's dream come true

because he's not coming here to mend a spotlight,

he's here to perform in one.

Yay!

APPLAUSE

So here's what's going to happen.

Adam is on his way to the theatre right now.

When he gets here, he'll be lead into what he thinks

is a room with an electrical problem,

but is actually a fake corridor

built from the outside all the way through

and then we're going to put a last bit on it here

and he's literally going to walk out thinking...

..thinking that this is the room.

I mean, this electrician is going to get

the SHOCK of his life, ladies and gentlemen.

OK - this has all been set up with the help of his wife Emma.

Emma, are you here? Emma? Emma, darling...

Yay, Emma! I'm coming to see you, Emma.

-Hi, Emma, darling.

-Hi.

-Hi, hello, Michael - nice to meet you.

-Hello.

Tell us all about Adam.

He's an electrician, he sings everywhere -

he sings in the bath, he sings with the kids,

he sings at football, he sings in the van,

he sings at work...everywhere.

-Has he got a good voice?

-Really good voice.

-In that you, you agree with that.

-Yes.

It's not just him, cos sometimes in the bath, cos of the echo,

you can think you've got a good voice, but it's not so amazing.

No, he is... He's good.

So what does he like to sing?

He sings a lot of James Morrison, Paolo Nutini,

-Craig David, at the minute.

-Do you think he'll relish

performing for this many people?

Oh, he will... He'll love it.

Well, that's what we're hoping for. Amazing.

All right, this is very exciting. Lovely to meet you, Emma.

-Thank you.

-It's Emma, Adam's wife!

Yes! I'll see you later.

All right, guys, it's on, it's on.

OK - well, I can tell you that Adam is on his way

but then again, he is an electrician, so...

Well, let's be honest, all men,

all men here are qualified to a certain degree as electricians.

Um...I count myself amongst you

when...when a fuse goes in the house,

when the power goes, you know.

My wife's watching the telly there's a blackout, she turns to me.

I can't see her at first, but I know she's looking at me

with that look that says, "Darling, you're the man,

"you should be able to handle this situation."

And, er...well, we all do the same thing, I think -

we go to the fuse box and we open it

and we pray that one of the switches is in the off position...

..and if it is, we feel pretty confident

we can handle the situation.

HE CLICKS That's basically it.

APPLAUSE

OK, ladies and gentlemen -

my next guest is a bona fide music god.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

He's sold a staggering 200 million records and counting.

He also holds the record for the number of times

he's said to the hairdresser, "Same again."

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the sensational...

Mr Rod Stewart's here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Hold The Line by Rod Stewart

# Hold on We just have to hold on

# We don't have to cry

# No, not tonight

# I know lately everything seems crazy

# People walking by

# Just getting by

# And I just wanna rest my head

# With roses, and lay down in my bed

# They say heaven can wait

# You and I, we'll survive

# Sometimes we're lost and astray

# And our hope's far away

# Hold the line

# We'll survive

# So let's just smile through the pain

# Through the heartache and pain

# Hold the line Hold the line

# Oh, yeah!

# Hold the line Hold the line

# All right

# Slow down We just have to slow down

# Hours are coming fast

# Way too fast

# Another grey day

# Technicolour "save me"

# Painted in the sky

# We're alive

# And I just wanna rest my head

# And lay down with roses in my bed

# They say heaven can wait

# You and I, we'll survive

# Sometimes we're lost and astray

# And our hope's far away

# Hold the line

# We'll survive

# So let's just smile through the rain

# Through the heartache and pain

# Hold the line

# We'll survive

# Oh, yeah

# Hold the line

# We'll survive... #

Here we go, now.

Whoohoo!

# Hold on We just have to hold on

# Now's the time to cry

# Oh, not tonight

# I know lately everything seems crazy

# People walking by

# Just getting by

# Sometimes we're lost and astray

# And our hope's far away

-# Hold the line

-Hold the line

# We'll survive

# So let's just walk through the rain

# Through the heartache and pain

# Hold the line

# We'll survive

# We'll survive Oh, yeah

# We'll survive, we'll survive

# Hold the line. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rod Stewart, ladies and gentlemen, c'mon!

Oh, good Lord!

Oh, thank you so much, Rod, such a big pleasure.

Oh, my God, Rod Stewart!

You're my favourite, thank you so much.

Rod Stewart, c'mon, Rod Stewart. Oh!

# Ta da da da da da, walk the line... #

OK. Ladies and gentlemen, now it is time...

What the...?

LAUGHTER

Oh!

Oh, God, don't you ever, don't you ever, do that to me again.

Just because I prefer the headset doesn't mean you need to do that.

LAUGHTER

A little bit of me hoped it was Rod.

OK, so let me just say that, um, Peter,

it must be awful not being with your phone.

I mean, when I've lost my phone for just a few minutes,

the tension, it must be excruciating. You're doing

amazingly well and I can confirm there have been some texts, that's all.

I don't know them because I want to enjoy them with you.

But I do know that over 30 people have already texted.

LAUGHTER

So that's all still to come.

All right, I've got news.

I've got news, Em.

Adam, our Unexpected Star of the show, is in the building.

CHEERING

Apparently we've got footage of him arriving.

Oh, my God, there he is.

Is that Adam?

-Is that Adam, can you see Adam?

-Yeah.

That's him there, with his workmate Steve who is in on it.

-Yeah.

-OK, as I explained earlier, this is Adam, of course,

he's an electrician who dreams of being a singer.

He thinks he's come to the theatre to do a job, but really

he's going to be performing for all of us on this very stage tonight.

He is now in an office backstage waiting to be taken to

where our "fault" is.

Is he reading his manual on how to be an electrician?

LAUGHTER

So there he is with Steve who seems,

I think, almost too relaxed about the situation.

I think Steve obviously knew he was going to be on camera...

Apart from...

It looks like he's been rehearsing this...

I think earlier today Steve was lying in front of the mirror

working out his sexiest pose.

I'm not sure he had enough time to nail it.

LAUGHTER

I mean, that is not a natural...

OK, it's obvious who's in on it and that's Steve,

the creepy-sitting guy on the left.

LAUGHTER

Oh, he seems to be laughing at my joke!

Wait a minute.

HE LAUGHS

I'm on fire tonight.

He can't hear me.

No, Adam is obviously reading something hilarious.

OK, so very soon Adam will walk down this corridor. He's no

idea it's a fake corridor and what lies on the other side of the door.

So let's go and have a look,

there are cameras that should pick me up inside it.

I can't tell you how, how authentic this looks.

So here I am inside the corridor and...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Good, all right. So here we go.

You can't see a lot of it, but I can tell you that it's very much

in keeping with the rest of the theatre backstage, filthy.

LAUGHTER

So that comes through here and then this door will be shut,

there's another camera here...

It's like an intercom, isn't it?

It's me, darling, hello. Hello, sorry I'm late.

HE LAUGHS

Although sometimes you don't see the whole of someone's head. Who is it?

I've got a delivery.

HE LAUGHS

So let's do it.

I think this is one of the most exciting things I've ever done.

OK, so let's get him up, he thinks he's going to come here to fix

an electrical fault on the other side of the door.

Let's bring him up, shh!

-Hello again, sorry forgot to get you to sign in, do you mind signing in?

-Not at all.

Actually, do you mind coming with me and having a look at that fault?

Do you mind, just have a quick look?

-Take that with you.

-OK.

-Does it make all sense, yeah?

-Yeah.

-It does, I'm just having a little read through.

I'll leave that with you, I'll come back for you in a minute.

-Yeah, no problems.

-I'll just show you ahead.

I haven't got many tools with me.

It's OK, I don't think it needs a lot, I think it's quite easy.

So where did you come from?

AUDIENCE LAUGH

..Oh, right so you've come a bit of a distance, haven't you?

Yeah, it's not too bad, it's like...

Yeah, yeah. And traffic was good?

Yeah, Sunday, glorious, we try and work on weekends...

Actually, I'm just going to get your mate,

if you just follow these signs, see that three and four?

-Go to dressing room four and I'll meet you there.

-OK.

I'll only be a couple of minutes.

-Yeah.

-Is that all right?

-Yeah, cool.

-Back in a minute.

AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS

There he is!

It's Heapy!

Adam Heapy's here!

Oh, I haven't even done my hair!

Oh, you're Adam. Welcome, welcome to my show.

I feel like I need to move this.

No, no, it's OK. Keep the tools.

How are you doing, Adam?

-Not bad.

-How are you feeling right now?

-Bit shocked, a bit shocked.

-Yeah...

Where is the...where is the fault anyway?

-No, the lights seem to be working.

-God, I'm happy.

Um, so you may have spotted, you've got Team Heapy over here,

There they are. Friends and family and of course your lovely wife Emma.

Well done.

Who... Who has actually, set you up

and of course Sexy Steve is also,

in on it, there he is.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-OK, so you are hopefully...

-Right.

..with your consent! Going to be something called the unexpected

star of our show because I understand that as well as being an

electrician you have a passion for something else,

-what might that be?

-Erm, a bit of singing.

-You like to sing, don't you, Adam?

-I like a sing song, yeah.

And have you ever performed in public before singing?

Erm, in front of Mum and Dad once upon a time.

Right, so that's an audience of two?

-Pretty big audience.

-That's amazing.

So beyond that, do you fancy yourself as maybe

performing in front of an audience?

Yeah.

Go on!

CHEERING

Well, I just happen to have one here!

So we'll send you backstage and you have until the end of the show.

We've got a team of people who are going to help you rehearse and get ready for this performance.

We are so rooting for you, aren't we?

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Adam,

our Unexpected Star of the show!

Grab your tools, this way.

HE LAUGHS

There you go. Adam, ladies and gentlemen.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen,

when I found out I was going to be making this show my next guest was

one of the first names I wanted to perform.

He's a comedian rightly becoming a huge star,

I absolutely love this man and you will too,

please welcome the fabulous...

Romesh Ranganathan's here, go on, Rom.

Hello.

AUDIENCE: Hello!

Thank you, correct response.

Erm, I'm very excited to be here, a little bit underdressed,

but you know, I'm here for the talent, mate, not the looks.

I am currently having some issues with my wife, to be honest with you.

I mean, I love her very much,

but we're having an argument because I don't want to

take our kids swimming and I don't know if that's a problem for anyone

else. It's not because I don't want to take them swimming, it's because

I don't want to take my top off in public, do you know what I mean?

I've got... my torso is rank - I think it's fair to say.

I said to my wife, "I do not want to take these kids swimming,

"I don't want to take my top off," you know what she said to me?

"Just wear a T-shirt."

Oh, yeah, that'll distract any attention, won't it?

One moron in the corner of the pool, wet T-shirt clinging to his torso...

"Just find this helps me glide through the water, yeah."

Unbelievable. My mum's always having a go at me about it,

"You're fatty fatty!" Right, and...

Horrible, this woman. I said to her, "I've lost some weight"

and she goes to me, "Yes, but turn to the side...."

"Disgusting!" Right?

I've got a hang up about it. I think

sort of my level of unattractiveness and my putting on weight is

one of the main reasons I've never cheated on my wife.

It's not the number one reason, the number one reason is

because I love her very much but a close second...

is lack of opportunity.

I've got three children, erm, massively regret it... I...

But what can you do?

You've just got to go, "I'm never going to be happy now, just..."

My wife looks after our three children, that's her main job,

that's what she does and it's 2016

but my wife still feels like she's got to justify herself to me.

I don't understand why, I know how difficult it is to look after those children.

I spent two hours with them when she went out shopping once, right?

It was like a triple-pronged attack on my sanity, all right?

It's like they planned it, it was like one of them went,

"OK, you go over there and take a poo in that corner,

"you take a wee in that corner and I'm just going to get

"butt-naked for no reason."

I go to the cinema a lot, I go to the cinema,

I go to the cinema on my own, but I think popcorn's a rip off, right?

It's not just the fact that it's expensive,

it's the fact that they price it incrementally in a way that

you are forced to buy more of it than you'd ever want or need, right?

And they treat it like rubbish.

They don't care about it until it comes to you paying for it.

You go up to the counter,

and I'll say, "I'll have a... I'll have a medium popcorn,

"I'll have one of those little boxes, there."

And they go, "Certainly, sir, that will be £5.80."

£5.80?

"It's all over the floor, mate, right?"

"You're wiping your forehead with it as you serve me.

"I just saw you fill the cabinet with it from your trousers, right?

"There's wheelbarrows full of it all around us.

"The foyer is made of it and you're telling me it's £5.80?"

"Well, yes, it is, sir,

"but, for an extra 20p...

"you can have ten times the amount of popcorn."

"How am I buying medium, then, mate? There's absolutely no way.

"I'm locked in. I can't buy medium now.

"I'm strapped in, mate, give me the rucksack."

There's no way I can buy medium now cos I don't want to be

that idiot that walks into the theatre with a medium

and everyone else is going "Oh, my God, look at this moron.

"He got the medium. It's only 20p more, idiot.

"I'm swimming through popcorn like Scrooge McDuck, over here."

CHEERING

Oh.

I went to Sri Lanka to try and get in touch with my culture, right?

And the problem that I've got, which is...

I can't speak the language, right?

But I look like I definitely should be able to, right?

So I'd walk through the streets of Sri Lanka and someone would

-come up to me and go...

-HE IMITATES SRI LANKAN LANGUAGE

And I'll say, "I'm really sorry, mate, I barely understand Geordie."

I mean, there's...

One of my uncles introduced me to his wife.

He brought over, sort of, this slightly portly woman,

and he said to me, "Romesh, this is my wife."

I said, "Sweet."

And then he went..."Fat, no?"

And then I looked at his wife,

and she's going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat."

And then I realised my mum's not horrible -

they're all horrible, mate.

That's just... That's how it is.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.

You've been absolutely amazing.

I've been Romesh Ranganathan, goodnight!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING Romesh Ranganathan! Rom!

Come on, Rom!

Amazing. Thank you so much. Incredible.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic Romesh Ranganathan.

You do, Rom-Rom! We love Rom!

So, let's see how our unexpected star is getting on.

The word is quite positive.

He's not freaking out and he will be here very shortly

with his performance as our Unexpected Star of the show!

CHEERING Go on, Adam.

OK, Peter. LAUGHTER

It is time, ladies and gentlemen, to find out

what texts Peter has received as tonight's excellent sport

in our Send To All box.

Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, earlier on, I sent the following text...

"Kiss,

"C." LAUGHTER

Well, Peter let's have a look at what's gone on here.

So, I don't know, let's just start at the top. Erm...

Richard Griffin.

That's just a friend.

Just a friend. Oh, he's really sweet.

This guy just says, "Go to sleep and give it to charity in the morning."

APPLAUSE Oh, that's brilliant.

OK, erm, Andy Mudge?

-Another friend.

-Another friend, OK.

-I've known him since I was...

"Sounds good. Not sure if this message is meant for us,

"please confirm."

Nobody wants any money so far -

-this is good news for you, Peter.

-This is very good news.

-Erm...

Rob Williams.

Oh, my God, it's Robbie Williams.

-Is that Robbie Williams?

-Robbie, yeah.

OK, well, he's gone, "Please stop drunk-texting me.

"I love you, mate, but it's getting embarrassing. RW."

Oh, come on!

Jonathan Ross has come in, ladies and gentlemen.

"Ha-ha. Congrats. My dog needs new glasses."

Yeah, I love the way the comedians are getting in there.

Oh, my God,

who is the biggest celebrity of them all?

It's David Beckham.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Oh, my, God, I didn't know you were friends with David Beckham.

-I'm worried, now, what he's put.

-LAUGHTER

You're friends with David Beckham?

Well, I wouldn't call it friends. I know him - we know each other.

-How long have you known him?

-About ten years.

Ten years? And you've got each other's numbers? It's amazing.

Well, he's gone, "Who's this?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Erm, OK, Alan Shearer.

"Well, I've kept our little secret quiet for a long time now.

"How about we make it 20K?"

-That's...

-Oh.

-LAUGHTER

That's from Alan Shearer, ladies and gentlemen.

-This text is gold!

-No...

-WOLF-WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, fellow Dragon Deborah Meaden, ladies and gentlemen,

-Deborah Meaden. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

"This can't be you.

"Someone must have got a hold of your phone, you are..."

MICHAEL LAUGHS

"You are... You are far too tight to give..."

This is brilliant.

"You are far too tight to give up any of your profit - I should know.

"Double kiss."

Ladies and gentlemen, what a fantastic sport,

the legendary Peter Jones. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Brilliant.

-Thank you. Thank you, Michael.

-Are you OK, Mum and Dad?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-Oh, well done.

Thank you very much.

Oh...

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment we've all been waiting for.

It has arrived. CHEERING

Yes, it's time for a very special performance from

our Unexpected Star of the show!

CHEERING

Earlier tonight, we asked an electrician called Adam

to come to the theatre and fix a simple electrical fault,

but there was no fault at all - we just wanted to give Adam

the surprise of his life, and we did that,

because tonight on the Big Show... CHEERING

..we're giving him the chance to fulfil his dream of being a singer.

He's had barely any time to rehearse but now the time has come.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has sold no records worldwide.

He hasn't had a number one in any country

but he has had several number twos in the last half hour.

Performing James Morrison's You Give Me Something,

it's our Unexpected Star of the show.

Go wild, ladies and gentlemen, for the singing electrician Adam Heapy!

CHEERING

MUSIC: You Give Me Something by James Morrison

# You only stay with me in the morning... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# You only hold me when I sleep

# And I was meant to tread the water

# Oh

# But now I've gotten in too deep... #

CHEERING

# For every piece of me that wants you...

# Oh... # THE AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

# Another piece pops away

# Well

# You give me something

# That makes me scared, all right

# This could be nothing

# But I'm willing to give it a try

# Please give me something

# Because someday I might know my heart... #

CHEERING

# You only waited up for hours... #

WOLF-WHISTLING

# Just to spend a little time alone with me

# I said I never bought you flowers

# Oh

# Cos I can't work out what they mean... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I never thought that I'd love someone

# Oh, no

# That was someone else's dream

# Well

# You give me something

# That makes me scared, all right

# This could be nothing

# But I'm willing to give it a try

# Please give me something

# Cos someday I might

-# Please give me something

-Something

# That makes me scared, all right

-# This could be nothing

-This could be nothing

# But I'm willing to give it a try

-# Please give me something

-Please give me something

-# Cos someday I might know my heart

-Know my heart... #

CHEERING

# Oh, my heart Know my heart

# Know my heart. #

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

CHEERING CONTINUES

Thank you, that was amazing.

Absolutely fantastic. A few... MICHAEL LAUGHS

Congratulations. Did you enjoy that?

-That was unbelievable.

-Oh, that was amazing.

-That was fantastic.

And what an amazingly appreciative audience. Fantastic.

And the fantastic James Morrison creeping up!

CHEERING

Obviously not a fan of other people singing his songs.

"What's going on here?"

Erm, OK, so, erm, how's it been?

How's the whole experience been for you?

-Blown away.

-Yeah?

Erm, it was just fantastic, start to finish.

-And you had absolutely no idea.

-No idea at all.

What's these clothes? Are these your clothes?

I'm coming home with them - they're free.

I've had a touch. I love the shoes.

They look really good on you. They suit you.

A little bit of suede, why not?

Please thank, one more time, Adam Heapy,

who lost a massive electrical contract tonight, don't forget.

-Gutted(!)

-He thought he was going to be in,

and he's set for the year at the theatres in London,

but we've fulfilled his dream instead.

One more time for the fantastic Adam Heapy

and, of course, James Morrison,

a huge thank you as well. CHEERING

Thank you so much, guys. Brilliant. See you in a bit.

Go on, Heapy!

MUSIC: You Give Me Something by James Morrison

Join me next week,

where somebody else will be given the surprise of their life

and become the Unexpected Star of the show.

Another celebrity, of course, will be playing Send To All

in our Send To All box,

but we've still got time for one more performance.

You've already heard him tonight performing with our Unexpected Star

and now, playing us out with his new single,

I Need You Tonight, please welcome the phenomenal Mr James Morrison!

CHEERING

MUSIC: Need You Tonight by James Morrison

# Need you tonight Need you, need you tonight

-# Yeah, I need you tonight, yeah

-All right

# Oh, I tell myself that I can be the stronger man

# That I know I can be

# But I can't help feel the burden of my weakness

# When you're away from me

-# Falling down

-Falling down

# It's easy

# Falling down

# I know I've got to carry on

# But it's so hard to wait so long for you

# And I need you tonight

# I need you to come on and save my life

# I'm trying to hold on

# I kill every second since you've been gone

# Oh

# Stuck here in darkness

# Hole where my heart is

# Without you, I can't make it right

# I need you tonight

# Yes, I do

# Well, I'm staring at the bottom of another glass

# I'm feeling empty now

# I close my eyes and think of you

# It's all that I can do to fill the space somehow

-# I'm calling out

-Calling out

# Can you hear me calling out to you?

# And I'm cold and shaking, baby

# Come and take me from this hell that I've been living through

# And I need you tonight

# I need you to come on and save my life

# I'm trying to hold on

# I kill every second since you've been gone,

# Oh

# Stuck here in darkness

# Hole where my heart is

# Without you, I can't make it right

# I need you tonight

# Yes, I do

# Need you tonight

# I need you to come on and save my life

# Oh

# Stuck here in darkness

# Hole where my heart is

# Without you, I can't make it right

# And I need you tonight

# Yes, I do

# Come on, sing it

# Oh, I need you tonight

# Need you, need you tonight

# Yeah, I need you tonight

# Yeah

# Oh, I need you tonight

# Need you, need you tonight

# Yeah, I need you tonight

# Need you, need you tonight. #

CHEERING

Thank you very much.