Episode 6 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Coming up on tonight's show, The One Show's wonderful Alex Jones

plays Celebrity Send To All.

The heavenly All Saints are back

and who will be our unexpected star of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Big Show!

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

IRISH MUSIC PLAYS

Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

to my last Big Show of the series!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, we have had some wonderful performances over the past few weeks

and tonight will be no exception.

Plus, of course, another celebrity will be playing Send To All,

my favourite game. Yes, that sounds like fun.

CHEERING

And another member of the public will be getting the biggest surprise

of their life when they become our unexpected star of the show.

CHEERING

I love theatres and there are certain conventions of the theatre.

I love coming in the stage door. I love the wings.

These are called the wings, you go out of the wings, you know?

And also a big part of the theatre is encores at the end

of a show, you know. You always have an encore. I don't know why.

It's built into the show. They ask you, "Will you be doing an encore?"

They assume you hold jokes back. It's not like you do it again, even though it's French for "again".

You don't do it again, you come back and go, "Oh, yes, you love me." It's very awkward.

Even if they don't, you have to because they leave the lights, it's awful.

Anyway, so I just wanted to tell you this story

because I thought it was funny. I was doing this gig last year

in a lovely theatre called The Mayflower, in Southampton.

So I'd finished the show and I went, "Thank you very much."

And what you do at the end of the show is, I bow like this

and then I go off into the wings and then I just wait

behind the curtain here for a few... I count to ten and then they keep

cheering and then I come back and go, "Thank you very much." That's called an encore.

So I did this gig in Southampton where I went off,

but I got my bearings wrong and I didn't go all the way off,

so I did this whole, "Thank you, thank you so much,"

and I just stood in the corner of the set.

LAUGHTER Incredibly creepy moment

for the whole audience,

who stopped applauding and I just looked round, realised.

It was like I'd run out of batteries

and then just shuffled in.

So let's hope things are a little bit more professional

than that tonight.

So look, I've got my new suit on, which... Well, I say my new suit,

this was actually tailored, um, to fit me and I... WOLF-WHISTLING

I'm not really breathing out, I'm breathing in.

It's right teetering on the edge.

I wore this suit at the end of last year and, um... Well, I don't know

what's happened to me, there appears to be some kind of bloating since it

was...it was measured.

Um, and I did a gig and I came out at the beginning of the show

and I raised my hands, like you do, you know,

showbizzy, like this,

going, "Good evening!" And I didn't realise that had happened.

I've got to be honest, the laughter, people were laughing so much,

I was storming the gig.

I thought, "I've never gone down so well!

"They're loving these jokes!"

Until I realised it was the jacket boobs that was their entertainment

and not the material at all.

Also I've become so lazy, we've all become so lazy.

I don't even go shopping for food any more,

I just order it on my laptop online on my ever increasing tummy,

just lying in bed going, "Bring me this food, bring me that food."

Then you click a time slot and they just show up at your house.

They're like, "Would you like me to bring it in?"

I'm like, "Ideally, can you feed me? I mean, what services do you offer?"

At least when you don't go to the supermarket, it means

you don't eat on the way round it, because I'm always too greedy.

We've all done this. You don't own it yet, you don't own the food,

but you consume it, and then you have that horrible moment of confession at the till

when you have to just present wrappers. "I'm terribly sorry, I had

"this Mars Bar. I have the packaging - can you get the information

"from the packaging? Because the Mars Bar itself is in my tummy, I ate it.

"I'll pay you back. I appear to have eaten this lasagne. Will I be very sick?

"It just looked so yummy on the photo."

"Would you like a bag, sir?" "I just need a bin.

"I've actually had a lot of food."

There are many different supermarket options.

I don't know where you shop. My wife likes to shop at Waitrose.

-It's the middle-class option. AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

People are whooping Waitrose and what they're doing

is telling you that they can afford Waitrose, and they love to do it.

People who shop at Waitrose, they like to drop it into conversations -

"Sorry I'm late, I was just at WAITROSE," just so everybody knows that they can afford Waitrose.

Even though they sell basically all the same stuff as other

supermarkets, but they just put the prices up so people can feel

good about themselves because they're shopping at WAITROSE, yeah.

But they like to justify it, you know, the poshies, yeah.

Yeah, Waitrose, it's fabulous. The food is just wonderful,

you know. It's organic, it's beyond organic, you know.

The chickens, they, they just sacrifice themselves.

They just walk up...

They walk up to the main entrance. "Hi, this is my family and we just...

"I've brought some condiments. Do what you like, just take me, take me."

And I've never seen anybody return the trolley for the pound

in the car park in Waitrose - it's simply not worth it to them.

You see them coming out with their trollies,

looking for their Range Rovers, "Which one is mine?

"I think it's this one over here."

Oh, they pop the boot open as well. You see, once you've got

a certain amount of money, this, this and this, those days are

behind you. Now they have these keys and you push the key that closes

it, that locks it, and then one that opens it and then a boot one.

And people pop it open. They don't wait till they get to the car. The more posh you are,

the further away from the vehicle you pop the boot up. It can become quite treacherous

for other people walking in the car park because the boots start

flying up all over the place. People have to walk in single file.

"OK, kids, just follow me so we don't get hit by the boots."

People doing it at the till, people flying into airports going, "Oh, look, there's the car,

"better pop the boot open, easier to get the bags in."

So they get to the Range Rover, they unload their shopping

in the back and then they see the pound and they think,

"I should have that, that's money, but I can't. It's stuck."

And they realise, "I've got to go all the way over there

"and plug it in to the trolley train for a pound. All the way over

"there and back for a pound.

"But by the time I've got there and back the house would've made about 15 grand,

"so I don't really see the point."

So then they sort of do this push away, they do

the Waitrose posh push, they just pause and go, "Off you go.

"Goodbye!"

And then the trolley sort of rolls away

and then collides with another Range Rover that some other posh

person will go, "What's that doing there? Off you go."

There's normally someone from Aldi in the bushes. "I'll have that, thank you.

"Get me whole shopping done on that quid, idiots."

OK, now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Celebrity Send To All!

Yes, it is.

CHEERING

OK, let's see who's in our Send To All box this week.

Why, it's the beautiful and talented and wonderful Alex Jones is here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go on, Jonesy!

-Hiya, Michael.

-How are you, Alex?

-Um, scared.

-You're scared?

-Yeah.

Yes, no, you shouldn't be.

Um, so who are you here with tonight, Alex?

My husband, Charlie, and Mum and Dad, Mary and Alan.

Oh, round of applause! Her husband Charlie and Mum and Dad are in town!

Wonderful.

So you and Charlie just got married quite recently?

-We did, yeah, New Year's Eve.

-Oh.

-All quite new.

-Well, very many congratulations from all of us.

-Thank you.

-And thank you for agreeing to come on this show and hand over the phone.

-Yes.

-And can I just confirm that nobody knows you're going to send a text tonight?

-No.

-That no-one has been forewarned?

-No.

OK, well, let's have some fun.

As you can see, in front of you is this contraption for bringing

the phone down to me.

-You just place it into the cushion and I'll wind it down.

-OK.

OK, let's do this!

OK.

THE ONE SHOW THEME TUNE PLAYS

Very good singing.

HE LAUGHS

Have you got it?

Absolutely fabulous.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession of Alex Jones's mobile telephone!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

So with a bit of luck, it should be supersized onto this big screen.

Oh!

AUDIENCE: Awww!

That is a beautiful animal. Who's that, Alex?

That is one of our hamsters.

-Very good.

-Um, he's called Kiwi.

Oh, that's very sweet, so that's little Kiwi.

He's absolutely adorable and he is currently your screensaver

and this is how it all goes.

Oh, no.

You know what I was going to look at? Your alarms.

Because you probably... So this is your...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Alex, you've been up at almost every hour of the night.

LAUGHTER

No!

This says 4.45 and 4.46,

so you've had to wake up at 4.46.

You looked at your previous alarms and went, "4.45.

"I'll need that minute, I'm going new, I'm going on a new one."

OK, so, this is a really fun phone.

-You've got a lot going on here.

-What is, um, what's this one?

-What's that?

-Masquerade.

-What is it?

-Put your head in the middle, put your head in the middle.

-Oh, my God.

-There you are.

LAUGHTER

What, what's just happened?

What on earth has just happened to my face?

Yeah, if you flick...

Whoooaargh!

Michael, slide it, there you are.

I can't believe that's just happened.

What's happened to me there? It's turned me into Leonardo DiCaprio.

I'd like to thank the Academy... I'd like to, er, not

thank my dentist. What on earth has happened to my teeth?

Whoooaargh!

Children, watch my big new show.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, I'm going to do this for ever.

I don't think I can not do this...

for the rest of the show.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Ooh-ooh-ooh! Aaah! Aaah!

AAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAAH!

All right, I've got to stop this. I've got to stop but I can't stop.

I can't stop!

I CAN'T STOP! AAAAAGH!

All right, let's get back to this. That was way too much...

Alex, the fun in your life!

Um, all right, I'm going to send a text into your phone now.

Oh, be kind.

-"Hello..." I think - would you start a text with hello?

-Hiya.

Oh, OK, hiya. Hiya! Are you an exclamation mark fan?

Well, probably comma.

Oh, sorry.

"Hiya, The One Show is doing an item on...

"..weird crushes."

LAUGHTER

-"This is..."

-Oh, it's going to go to our producer!

"..really embarrassing...

"..but you are mine.

"How would you feel about me talking about it on the show?"

All right, let's read this through.

"Hiya, The One Show is doing an item on weird crushes.

"This is really embarrassing, but you are mine.

"How would you feel about me talking about it on the show?"

CHEERING

Audience, shall we do it?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

All right, that's gone.

Oh, no!

CHEERING

Oh, my God. OK, a huge hand, ladies and gentlemen.

-Oh...

-What wonderful fun and amazing sport -

Alex Jones, what about that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to find out who is going to

be our last unexpected star of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Every week we've been surprising somebody who thinks they're coming to the theatre for work,

but they're actually going to be part of the show and be performing on this very stage.

-ALL:

-Oooh!

Over the past few weeks we've had an unexpected star on every single show

and we can see a little bit of the highlights to get you in the mood for tonight's unexpected star.

This electrician is going to get the shock of his life!

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

Where is the, er... Where's the fault anyway?

LAUGHTER

# You give me

# Something... #

CHEERING

It's Craig, our locksmith!

Shannon thinks he's coming to the theatre tonight

for a simple removals job.

CHEERING

How are you feeling, Shannon?

I want to cry.

# Now I've called the shot

# Get off the pot

# I really gotta fly! #

CHEERING

-Oh, my God.

-LAUGHTER

-Do you like singing?

-What have you done?

# Too

# Darn

# Hot! #

I'll never, ever forget this. Thank you.

CHEERING

CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I can't believe it.

Honestly, I can't... I feel like I'm in a dream.

THEY BOTH SING ELONGATED NOTE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, of course, they're all here tonight!

There they are, ladies and gentlemen.

It's hairdresser Natasha, locksmith Craig,

electrician Adam Heapy,

handyman Shannon,

and florist Laura.

Yay!

It's been truly amazing,

and you guys handled it so incredibly well, because...

Are you crying now, Laura?

Just a little.

It was... You know you nearly collapsed, you could see it,

your legs buckled slightly.

I know. Biggest shock of my life, but I can't thank you enough,

it was the most amazing experience.

Shall we do this again tonight? Are you up for it?

CHEERING

So, our final Unexpected Star of the show is Aaron Middleton.

Let's have a look. There he is.

There's Aaron, he's 30 years old and he's a plasterer.

He's coming to the theatre tonight,

thinking it's to do some plastering,

because we're, of course, in one of the oldest theatres in London,

so he thinks he's coming to look at a few cracks in our walls,

but, of course, that isn't the plan at all.

Aaron loves singing and playing the guitar.

He dreams of being a rock star

and having thousands of people hear him sing.

He gets his guitar out whenever he can

and when he's supposed to be working.

We have some footage, I believe, of him at work -

secretly filmed to prove the point, there he is.

# High in the trees

# I'm shining like a star... #

So there's the walls he's supposed to be plastering...

and he's performing.

So, there you go. There's proof.

That's Aaron, he's on his way to do some plastering,

but, really, he can't stop singing.

We're going to make his dream come true.

Are you up for that, ladies and gentlemen?

CHEERING

All right. Aaron was set up by his brother, Luke,

who is with him right now,

and also by his dad, Trevor, who should be in the audience.

Where are you, Trev?

Go on, Trev. There he is.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Trevor!

CHEERING

Hello, Trev. You all right, mate?

Yes, thank you.

Good to meet you, Trev. How exciting is this?

Aaron is on his way. Can you tell the audience about Aaron?

Tell us about his love of performing.

Aaron has always been a performer.

Started playing musical instruments -

trumpet, keyboard, then he moved on to the guitar.

Oh, thank God for that. I was terribly worried.

Now he plays the spoons.

OK.

What's he done to pursue...?

Has he tried to pursue a career or is it more of a hobby?

He's been with friends in bands, but nothing too fantastic.

-But they went through the...

-LAUGHTER

-But now he does his work, obviously.

-Yeah.

-Because life kicks in.

-Yeah, absolutely.

You dream and aspire to things, but long and the short of it...

Well, that's what this is about, Trev,

it's about giving people a moment.

You know, a moment that they've always dreamed about.

-Well, this is it, I think.

-And to surprise him with it.

-Trevor, thank you so much for coming along.

-No, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Aaron's dad, Trev! Go on, Trev!

OK.

So what's going to happen, ladies and gentlemen -

I have to be honest with you, this is a particularly fun one -

we're going to build a corridor that extends from here,

except this is going to extend all the way, right where I'm standing.

In the corridor is going to be some pictures on the walls.

We're going to tell him that there is a big crack

hiding behind the picture,

which is something that we all do, of course.

The picture is going to be of me holding a microphone, like that,

and an audience behind.

In fact, it's going to be the exact view from behind the picture.

So I'm going to stand here, and you're all going to be in on it

and you're all going to stand up and be completely quiet,

and then he is going to come down the corridor,

lift the picture off,

and then that will reveal the real version of the picture.

I mean, seriously, we have a paramedic standing by,

because this is not just the shock of being on stage,

it's the shock of a photograph become reality.

It's going to be absolutely wonderful.

Are you up for that, ladies and gentlemen?

CHEERING All right.

My next guests have sold over 12 million records in the '90s,

and now they're back with their new single, This Is A War,

it's the heavenly All Saints!

CHEERING

THEY HUM MELODY

# You weren't holy, that face

# Written in the bad books

# Trouble all the way

# Just like a fighter

# Me, same story, same page

# I was a ladder searching for fame

# Together we burned brighter

# Looking for a battle, ready for the pain

# Knew it was a challenge, everything's a game

# Seemed easy

# Seemed so easy

# If I gotta fight for the right

# To be loved and to love

# Then this is a war

# If we can't be free

# You and me

# To be loved and to love

# Then what is this for?

# If this is a war

# You wasn't perfect

# Thought it was cool

# You were a bad boy straight out of the hood

# Yeah, it was all good

# You, a little tragic Me, a little bold

# Dangerous, ecstatic, we couldn't be told

# Together we were alone

# Looking for a battle, ready for the pain

# Knew it was a challenge

# Everything's a game

# Seemed easy

# Seemed so easy

# If I gotta fight for the right

# To be loved and to love

# Then this is a war

# If we can't be free

# You and me

# To be loved and to love

# Then what is this for?

# If this is a war

# Will the words ever make a change?

# We've come too far to turn back now

# Stronger together, we are one

# One world a million miles away

# Two hearts, one life

# One you and I

# If I gotta fight for the right

# To be loved and to love

# Then this is a war

# Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me

# If we can't be free, you and me

# To be loved and to love

# Then what is this for?

# If this is a war. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All Saints, ladies and gentlemen!

Oh, darlings!

Ladies and gentlemen, wasn't that fantastic?

Now, girls, you have a new album, which is very exciting -

rave-reviewed album, what's that called?

-It's called Red Flag.

-Red Flag, excellent.

The tour, you're going to do a tour?

We're on tour in October, yes.

-Welcome back. What about that?

-Thank you.

Wasn't it nice to see them back?

One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for the fantastic All Saints! Yay!

CHEERING

Thanks, girls.

OK. I have news.

I've just heard that our Unexpected Star of tonight's show, Aaron,

is in the building.

We can show you the moment, Dad Trev, that he arrived.

Here he comes.

So, this is...Aaron?

Where is he? Which one is he?

-Is that him holding the thing?

-That's him.

Oh, there he is, I recognise him from his photo.

Oh, my goodness, he looks like a plasterer!

That's one of the benefits of plastering, you don't really...

There's no laundry, just keep going, just keep going.

OK. So we've put him to work downstairs.

I think we can see him live.

Right, so that's Aaron, who is doing the actual plastering.

Who's that on the floor? Is that Luke?

Luke is more of a conductor of plastering.

He just wanders around.

Oh, no, Luke is actually getting stuck in now, is he?

It's like he heard me.

He's like, "No, I can show you that I can also plaster."

He uses his little tray there,

and he passes it over...

and then, actually, it's Aaron that does all the work.

No, he's tidying.

He moves that. That's brilliant. That needed moving.

That was dangerous. That's brilliant.

So thanks for standing there, Luke, blocking our view

of our Unexpected Star of the show.

Bringing back memories, guys?

So the corridor is set behind me.

I'm going to show you inside it, and I think you will marvel at...

Here's my friend. Hello!

OK.

So if you... Is this coming up on the big screen?

Can you see me on the screen? Yeah, all right.

Oh! You can see me there as well.

It's incredibly exciting.

Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

Yay!

OK.

So inside this corridor, come with me, here.

Oh, look, we've got a dust sheet for authenticity.

Dust sheeting.

Basically, what it does, it runs from backstage.

He'll have no idea that he's coming on to the stage.

As a little bit of fun, we've put up pictures of our Unexpected Stars.

There's Laura over there, who's sitting in our box tonight.

Of course, you've got Shannon during his performance.

So the irony of him passing through all the Unexpected Stars

should not be lost on any of you.

Here's Adam, of course, and there's Craig the locksmith,

that's after he escaped death.

So this is where we're going to tell him

that there's a crack behind here, but actually...

(it's going to be all of us!) LAUGHTER

So let me show you the picture.

So this is...

This is what I'm going to do...

LAUGHTER

So this is us. Right, that's me.

You might recognise me from the person standing above it.

That's going to be us.

As you can see, I think...

Yeah, we're on our feet and we're... Yeah, you're clapping.

There are people - hands above heads,

so that's the thing that we're going to re-enact.

Shall we do it quickly? Shall we have a quick look?

You stand up and go... That's it.

Here's for reference. All right.

Hands above your head, clapping, but freeze. Don't actually clap.

That's it, yeah. Yeah!

Stop it there. That's it. You have been the selected people

and you're frozen, and then I go there, all right.

LAUGHTER

Does it look the same? Have we...?

OK, good, all right. Let's get this on and let's do this.

OK, I'm going to pass this to this gentleman.

This is exciting, right?

There's no doubt, there's no doubt about it.

OK. (Let's bring him up. Let's do it.)

All right, fellas?

I know, I know where there's a dodgy wall if I can just...

Who was it I was showing? If I can just show you, do you mind?

Just come with me. How's that looking? Good?

Yeah, that's the other coat on now.

-Just in case, or are you all right?

-All right, mate, no.

You should be all right. It's quite an easy look-at, to be fair.

-Yeah, that's all right.

-Thanks, mate.

Just, you know, while we've got you down here,

we might as well get the most out of you, mightn't we, you know?

Yeah, it's kind of... It's almost a hole in the wall

rather than actually a crack, it's that bad.

It's just in here. Actually, could you do me a favour?

It's just that last picture, the Michael McIntyre.

Just lift that up, put it on the dust sheet.

I'm going to get Paul down here to have a look as well.

-What, it's under here?

-That one there, yeah.

CHEERING

It's Aaron, ladies and gentlemen!

Our Unexpected Star of the show!

Come on, Aaron, come on out!

Ladies and gentlemen - Aaron!

CHEERING

Our Unexpected Star of the show!

Go on, Aaron. How are you?

Yeah, I'm all right, mate. I'm at work.

Yeah, not actually, that's not exactly the plan.

You might notice your parents sitting over there.

All right, Dad?

"All right, Dad?"

That is, of course, Dad Trev.

-So you've kind of been set up by your parents.

-Yeah.

And, of course, Luke, there he is.

Before I explain what's happening,

talk me through what went through your head

when you took that picture off the wall.

I dunno, mate. I'm still trying to sink it in, really,

do you know what I mean?

Didn't expect to see you, mate, you know what I mean?

-No.

-No.

-That was kind of the idea.

-Yeah.

So the plan is, Aaron, we can tell by your outfit...

you are a plasterer.

Yeah, a messy one, it looks like, don't it?

Well, you didn't know you were going to be on TV.

No, I didn't know, no.

But you also enjoy something else, don't you?

I like playing guitar and that.

-Yeah, all right.

-Yeah.

And that - singing as well?

-Well...

-A bit of a sing-song?

It's more shouting in tune, really, but, yeah.

OK, but in tune, you're promising that?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-OK, excellent.

Well, Aaron, tonight you're our Unexpected Star of the show,

which means that you will, with your consent,

-be performing on this very stage...

-Mate...

CHEERING

..in front of 2,500 very supportive people.

CHEERING

MICHAEL LAUGHS

We've got a huge thing lined up -

literally a spectacular rock performance...

-Oh, really?

-..at the end of the show.

You've got until the end of the show to rehearse and prepare.

-Yeah.

-All that remains for me to do, Aaron, is to ask you...

Yeah.

-..if you're up for it?

-Yeah, I'm up for it, Michael.

Will you be our Unexpected Star of the show?

-Of course I will, mate.

-He's going to do it!

CHEERING Go on, Aaron! Well done.

We'll see you at the end of the show. One more time, please.

Aaron, our plasterer! Go on, Aaron!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Amazing.

Ladies and gentlemen, what fun we're having here tonight.

I can tell you, Jonesie, that... How many texts have we had so far?

Oh, no.

Over 40 people have texted.

Oh, get off! Oh, no.

OK. You're comfortable up there,

and everyone's comfortable in their seats?

Are they comfortable seats? I was going to ask this.

I'm going to actually come in amongst you, if that's OK?

Don't worry, I'm... Don't panic, don't panic.

Cos I was going to ask people...

about, about... Oh, you're so terrified, you look terrified.

I can understand that,

cos I was on the stage and now I'm literally in your face.

I'm so sorry. Nice to see you.

Oh, my God. I'm touching you like an American evangelist or something.

You've got to pass out, you've got to pass out.

HE GIGGLES

Right, well, I've come into the audience to ask about being at home,

because I know people love to be at home and watch TV.

This is a TV show,

obviously people at home are watching it on the telly.

Hello, how are you? Watching on TV. They're comfortable

and they're watching it in the comfort of their own homes,

because people tend to have their favourite chair.

That's what I was going to ask the audience -

if anybody, just by way of applause, has, like, a favourite chair

that they always watch the telly in, favourite chair?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's almost everyone!

You have a favourite chair, darling?

Well, it's my bed, to be honest.

It's your bed.

OK. Just by way of applause, who prefers telly in bed?

Telly in bed? Yeah? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You don't like telly in bed?

-Not in bed, no. No.

-But you prefer watching telly...

-In the lounge.

In the lounge, "The lounge", I love that.

-Where are you from, sir?

-East Kilbride.

-Ah, fabulous, East Kilbride.

-East Kilbride, near Glasgow.

-Lovely to see you, what's your name?

-Brian.

-Brian. This is your wife?

-Yeah, this is my wife Katherine.

-Yep, Katherine.

-Hello, darling. This is the whole family here?

Oh, it's fun. So you prefer watching telly in the "lounge"?

But what do you do, sit on a chair or...?

-Oh, I've got a big comfy chair.

-You've got a big comfy chair.

A big Chesterfield thing, it's wonderful.

Oh, you like that. What colour is it?

-Fantastic. Red.

-Big red chair.

-Yep.

Would it be this chair, Brian?

LAUGHTER

Could be.

Brian's had to put his glasses on. Brian, is that your chair?

That is my chair.

And where is that chair at the moment?

That's my living room. Yeah.

That's your living room, lounge, living room / lounge.

I quite like that prancing horse on the table.

Can I just ask, where was that camera?

I know you're panicking about what you've been doing in that chair,

but I can reassure you that all the footage

has been carefully viewed and deleted where necessary.

Brian's having the biggest panic attack of his life.

So I think we've got a shot from today of your living room.

Let's have a look at it.

Oh! Oh, Brian, Brian what, what's missing?

-What's gone?

-Where's my chair?!

Where's Brian's chair?

Well, Brian, your chair's gone on a little bit of a journey,

as have you here,

because it turns out your chair likes telly as much as you.

Let's see what your chair's been up to, Brian.

News just in that Brian's chair went missing

from East Kilbride this morning,

and police have released the e-fit photo.

A police spokesman has issued the following warning -

if you see the chair, do not approach it and try it out

as it is extremely comfortable.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news...

What is it?

You might wanna sit down...

on Brian's chair.

Now, an unlikely skier from Scotland

has just been chosen to represent Great Britain

in the 2018 Winter Olympics.

Big news just in -

Manchester United have unveiled their new signing today,

he might be from East Kilbride,

but, as you can see, he's red through and through.

Congratulations, Brian's chair. Time for the weather now.

Hazy sunshine in the north,

with a strong chance of Brian's chair emerging.

Brian's chair will then move towards the south-east,

heading for the capital for the evening.

What are you doing back here?

Look, I've moved on now.

Who am I kidding? I still love you.

Let me sit on you one last time.

EASTENDERS THEME

Oh, yes, it's Brian's chair!

Brian...

I used to like you.

Brian, I'm sorry, I had nothing to do with this,

your chair has taken on a life of its own.

Brian, where's your chair?

We know where your chair is, Brian.

Brian, that's your chair!

Oh, yes, Brian!

You can watch the rest of the show in the comfort of your own chair.

We've got an usher over here

who is going to lead you to your favourite chair. There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Brian heading for his favourite chair!

CHEERING

Well done, Brian.

Well done. Off you go, Brian. There goes Brian.

OK. It is time, ladies and gentlemen,

to find out what texts Alex has received

as tonight's excellent sport in our Send To All box.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Jones.

CHEERING

OK, let's just recap what the text was that I sent into your phone.

The message was...

OK, let's go to Keith. Who's Keith?

-Accountant.

-Brilliant.

Really straight to the point from your accountant.

He's just gone, he's just gone,

"Not a problem. I guess you need to get some counselling."

Oh, my gosh!

Keith, I mean Keith is in his 70s, isn't he?

OK, Sophie Olly Wine. What's that, who's that?

So Sophie is Olly who does the wine's wife.

Brilliant.

-Saturday Kitchen.

-OK, well, this is a good one.

"Hiya, did you really mean

"that text for me?!?!

"If so, well, gosh, I'm flattered.

"Can I have a think?

"When do you need to know?" Double kiss. Wow.

Cat...amongst...pigeons.

Eleanor? All these girls getting back.

Oh, it's brilliant!

It's in Welsh.

Eleanor, Eleanor Gardner.

Yes, she's gone...

HE SPEAKS WELSH

"..jumpsuit monochrome suit..."

HE SPEAKS WELSH

"Kiss, kiss, kiss."

-No!

-What?

-It's really bad.

-Yeah.

-What do you mean?

Yeah.

-That...

-So she's saying, "I know the moment you fell in love with me,

"when you were wearing...

"..when you were wearing the monochrome jumpsuit,

"big love, mwah, El."

It sounds like she was having a laugh.

No, she's not that type.

She's quite serious.

OK, Liam flooring.

He's just said, "That's OK, Alex, you're mine. Feel free, Liam."

Awkward.

What did he do for you? He put...

-Um, he sanded the floor.

-He sanded the floor?

He's not sanding the floor next time, is he, Charlie?

H from Steps, you've actually written...

H from Steps is in your phone.

And you, and you've actually put "H from Steps."

-I know it's not...

-Surely if you're putting "H",

of all the people in the world to put into your contacts,

this is the easiest one.

You just simply put him under H, and you're done.

But you've had to specify H from Steps,

like you know other people called H. Like, if it just says H...

IMITATING ALEX: This could be one of a number of people.

"Hilarious! Clearly barking up the wrong tree there.

"Go ahead. Xxx."

Oh, Paul Hollywood.

CHEERING

Oh, the girls love that.

Oh, he... You know what? He is a bit of a crush, isn't he, Hollywood?

He probably gets texts like this every hour on the hour,

just about the time your alarm clock's waking you up, baby.

Oh, he's so flirty! He's just come in with,

"You cheeky monkey.

"LOL, no problem."

He just... He fully expects it, Hollywood.

APPLAUSE

OK, what an incredible sport.

Please give it up for the fantastic Alex Jones!

CHEERING

Right, ladies and gentlemen...

Oh! Let's check on Brian in his chair! There he is!

-Look at that!

-Wahey!

How you doing?

-I'm... Oh, this is good.

-You must be so comfortable.

Oh, this is so good.

Perfect. Brian's in his element.

Fabulous.

OK, the moment has arrived!

CHEERING

It is time for our Unexpected Star of the show's big moment.

Earlier tonight, Aaron came to the theatre

thinking he was here to do a job as a plasterer,

but, really, I was here to make his dreams

of being a rock and roll star come true.

And now I will introduce him.

My next guest is a rock singer who has had FIVE

sugars in his tea.

He's covered walls, he's covered ceilings,

but tonight he is covering a U2 classic.

Performing Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For,

it's our Unexpected Star of the show -

go wild... In fact, we should chant his name like a rock star.

Aaron! Aaron! Aaron!

ALL CHANT "AARON"

It's Aaron Middleton, our Unexpected Star!

Plasterer, Aaron!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I have climbed the highest mountains

# I have run through the fields

# Only to be with you

# Only to be with you

# But I still haven't found

# What I'm looking for

# No, I still haven't found

# What I'm looking for

# I have spoke with the tongue of angels

# I have held the hand of a devil

# It was warm in the night

# I was cold as a stone

# But I still haven't found

# What I'm looking for

# I believe in the kingdom come

# Then all the colours will bleed into one

# Bleed into one

# But, yes, I'm still running

# You broke the bonds

# And you loosened the chains

# Carried the cross of my shame

# Oh, my shame

# You know I believe it

# But I still haven't found

# What I'm looking for

# But I still haven't found

# What I'm looking for. #

Thank you very much.

Amazing.

The strangest day at work I've ever had.

Ladies and gentlemen, our Unexpected Star of the show,

it's plasterer Aaron!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was amazing, it was fun. Well done, congratulations.

-Really, really brilliant.

-Thank you very much.

Was it everything you hoped it would be?

Still trying to process it, to be honest, mate.

-So thanks for...

-Well, amazing of you to sing that

and to turn it around.

Was that the biggest surprise of your life?

It was a big surprise, thank you very much.

He did well, didn't he, ladies and gentlemen?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Absolutely fantastic.

-Thank you.

-Thank you so much. One more time,

it's our Unexpected Star of the show, sensational Aaron!

CHEERING

That's it, ladies and gentlemen, for tonight

and for the whole series.

A huge thank you to all of you,

to all my guests, and, of course, everyone who's performed on the show

and on the series.

Of course, a huge thank you

to all of our Unexpected Stars of the series -

there they are, amazing job, great to see you all.

If you'd like to nominate somebody to be the Unexpected Star

of the next series,

or in fact want to nominate somebody for any other surprises,

please go to...

..for all the details.

Thank you for watching. I'll be back later in the year

with another series with lots more big stars,

big laughs, and even bigger surprises,

but we have one final treat for you tonight,

to play us out, please welcome back to the stage All Saints!

CHEERING

MUSIC: Pure Shores

# I've crossed the deserts for miles

# Swam water for time

# Searching places to find

# A piece of something to call mine

# I'm coming

-# A piece of something to call mine

-I'm coming, I'm coming

# Coming closer to you

# I've ran along many moors

# Walked through many doors

# The place where I want to be

-# Is the place I can call mine

-I'm coming

-# Is the place I can call mine

-I'm coming, I'm coming

# Coming closer to you

# I'm moving, I'm coming

# Can you hear what I hear?

# It's calling you, my dear

-# Out of reach

-Take me to my beach

# I can hear it calling you

# I'm coming, not drowning

# Swimming closer to you

# Moving, coming

# Can you hear what I hear?

# Hear it out of reach

# I hear it calling you

# Swimming closer to you

# Many faces I have seen

# Many places I have been

# Walked the deserts Swam the shores

# Coming closer to you

# Many faces I have known

# Many way in which I've grown

# Moving closer on my own

# Coming closer to you

# I move it, I feel it

# Yeah-ay-ay

# I'm coming, not drowning

# I'm moving, I'm coming

# Can you hear what I hear?

# It's calling you, my dear

-# Out of reach

-Take me to my beach

# I can hear it calling you

# I'm coming, not drowning

-# Swimming closer to you

-Take me to my beach

# I'm moving. #

CHEERING