Episode 5 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Coming up on tonight's show...

Football pundit Robbie Savage braves Celebrity Send To All.

We've got mind magic from Colin Cloud.

There's a sensational performance from the beautiful

Katherine Jenkins

and who will be our Unexpected Star of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show!

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

What? What?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to my Big Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes.

We actually have a fantastic show for you this evening.

Are you up for that? Oh, good lord.

There'll be big star performances, big laughs and big surprises!

Oh, yes!

We will also be playing my favourite game of them all,

Celebrity Send To All.

Oh, yes.

And of course, one person will be getting the biggest surprise

of their life when they become our latest Unexpected Star of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are we? Are you all right at the top?

Let's say hi to you - how are you?

CHEERING

Yeah. I was actually going to ask, who's got binoculars on their seat?

CHEERING

It's not a good sign, is it?

LAUGHTER

Some people see better than other people.

You can see who sees better than other people if they have glasses or don't have glasses.

I have contact lenses. I'm short-sighted. Some people are long-sighted.

Well, short-sighted means you struggle to see in the distance.

That, I think, is better. That's my one.

Long-sighted people, they can see fine,

actually quite well in the distance, but they can't see in their face.

They need glasses to read. So right in front of their face.

That must be very frustrating,

because they can see fine over there.

How have they lived their lives? Do people come up to them, like,

"I don't know you. Get out of my face. What are you doing? Seriously, why?

"Go on, keep walking. Get away from me. I do not know you.

"Go on, off you go. No, keep going.

"Sorry, stop. I do know you. Come back.

"It's just that I'm long-sighted."

LAUGHTER

I've literally had the same prescription for my glasses

my whole life. I'm minus 3.25. And when I need glasses,

I break them, or new contact lenses, I just get the same prescription.

Haven't been back to the optician since I was a kid.

I just go with that, because it works, know what I mean?

It works. Also, I don't want to go to the optician.

I don't know what it's like nowadays,

but I remember it being so, so boring, so confusing.

I didn't know quite what was going on.

They would show you, like, a green circle and a red circle.

And they'd give you this lens, which was the same on both sides -

you could see it was the same - and they'd go,

"Just focus on the green circle and the red circle.

"Is it clearer one or two? Is it clearer one or two?

"One, two. One, two."

LAUGHTER

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're asking me.

"I'm trying so hard to help you.

"It's the same. I think it's the same."

"Just focus on the green circle and the red circle.

"Is it clearer one or two?"

"I don't know. Shall we say one and move on with our lives?"

LAUGHTER

The only bit that was remotely fun is the letters.

You know, with the eye chart for the letters.

So they have a big letter and then they have rows of smaller letters.

The big one is just there to start you off, you know.

To get you into it, you know, to give you some confidence.

Everyone can see that one. It's very rare...

That one's there to test you're literate.

"I don't do letters, can I have animals?"

So they put that one there to just get you into it,

and most people start off with confidence. "H," they go.

"Yeah, I'm off! Let's go. Let's do this.

"H! Am I right or am I right?"

LAUGHTER

"OK, I'm seeing V, G,

"I'm getting a Q. I'm thinking B."

You feel really good about yourself as you race through them.

"Yeah, Y. These are the easy ones, baby. I'm onto this."

And then when you get to one you can't see... You can't see it.

This is the key moment of the eye test.

This is the reason you booked the eye test.

It's the reason the optician trained in optometry.

So that you could at this moment go,

"Oh!" No, not "O". That probably confuses things.

LAUGHTER

You go, "Stop! I can't see.

"Help. I can't see that one.

"Please can you help me now? That's why I'm here.

"I could see the one before, which I think was an F,

"but this one, I'm completely in the dark.

"Will you give me glasses and help me?

"Help me, please. Only you can help me.

"It's why I've come to you in this home of vision.

"Help me now."

Oh, but we don't do that.

No, we choose to guess the letter.

LAUGHTER

Which completely defeats the purpose.

It's not a game show. You don't win the glasses.

LAUGHTER

But you're there, sort of straining, going, "Er... T?"

There's no point in straining!

Just relax. It's not like you're going to get it right and go,

"It turns out, darling, I don't need glasses.

"I just need to squint and lean for the rest of my life.

"If I lean like that, I can see everything so much better.

"I got it. I got T, and I didn't even know it was a T!

"I'll drive, I'll drive, it should be fine."

LAUGHTER

It must've happened in history that someone has accidentally

guessed all the letters correctly.

"You tell me they're letters in front of me? OK, well, let's say B.

"Shall we say, er, X?

"And the final - is there one more, you say?

"OK, let's go for G." "You have 20/20 vision."

"Really? Who said that?

"Is there somebody else in the room with me?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, ladies and gentlemen, it is now time

for me to play my favourite game of them all -

why, it's Celebrity Send To All!

Yay!

This is where I take someone's mobile phone

and send a text of my choosing to all their contacts,

and then we see what hilarious replies they get. So let's see

who's in our royal Send To All box this week.

Why, it's football pundit and former Welsh international football star -

it's Robbie Savage!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes! Ha-ha!

My man.

-How are you?

-Fine, thank you. You?

-Yeah.

-Good.

-So who are you here with, Robbie?

My friends Jake and Bill.

-Jake and Bill. They're just - they're your mates?

-Yes.

OK, good. So, listen, you're on BT Sport,

Match of the Day - are you enjoying that?

-5 Live.

-5 Live. And who do you actually support?

I support Wrexham.

You support Wrexham? What, seriously?

Well, that's where I'm from.

We shouldn't forget that in your heyday

you were an incredible footballer yourself.

Played for Manchester United, played for Leicester, played for Wales.

Let's have a look at your highlights.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I've got to say, I look all right, actually.

First of all, thank you so much for being here.

I'm very grateful for you putting yourself through this.

Can I just confirm that you've not told anybody

-to expect a text from you?

-No.

-So nobody's expecting a text.

-No.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, big round of applause. What a great sport.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Robbie Savage is here. I'm really grateful to you.

So if you'd like to place your mobile telephone

into this contraption, the cushion there, I'm going to get it down,

but just for a bit of fun, I'm going to practise some of my own

footballing skills as the phone comes down.

So I'm just going to keep heading it. Just throw it back to my head

and I'll see how I do. All right, here we go.

MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme

This is going really well!

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession

of Robbie Savage's mobile phone!

CHEERING

Thank you, Robbie.

Brilliant.

All right, so I'm going to plug it into this huge phone.

Should pop up. Yay, there it is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who are these beautiful people? This is your wife and children?

-Yes.

-All right, so let's see what's on this phone.

All the classics, I can already see them. Sky Go, yes, why not?

BBC Sport.

Erm, what's Z Meditations?

Bah...

PING

LAUGHTER

What, is that it?

-SOOTHING VOICE FROM PHONE:

-Find a quiet and comfortable place

where you can sit down and meditate.

-You can also lie down.

-LAUGHTER

But it's important not to fall asleep.

Now close your eyes and breathe gently.

-Was that it? I just find a comfortable place?

-Yeah.

PING

Find a quiet and comfortable place...

I've done that!

..where you can sit down and meditate.

You can also lie down. But it's important not to fall asleep.

LAUGHTER

Now, close your eyes

and breathe gently.

Robbie, why have you got this?!

No idea! I don't know.

-You don't remember getting this?

-No.

-Don't pretend! You're just embarrassed in front of...

As you're sitting down,

pay attention to your body's reaction to the chair,

-the temperature...

-What? Temperature?

-..the pressure...

-The pressure?

-..and the texture.

-The texture?

The texture of what?

LAUGHTER

Is this some creepy seduction thing?

LAUGHTER

All right, Robbie, I really have no idea what's going on in your life...

During meditation

-it's normal to feel itchy...

-Itchy?

..discomfort, or even slight pains.

-LAUGHTER

-So use this opportunity

and focus on the reaction of your body

and settle in to a comfortable position.

LAUGHTER

Robbie, this is the most unexpected thing I've ever found.

All right, let's have a quick look at your photos.

Oh, it's you with your... You've got very cool-looking -

are they twins? Are the boys twins?

No, Charlie and Freddie. He's 12 and Freddie's nine.

So they're not twins.

LAUGHTER

Er, what? OK, that's you pointing at your nose.

Um...

Do you only take photos of yourself?

LAUGHTER

Oh, for God's sake. What's going...

Where are you here, Robster?

I was in, um, Greece.

Is that the colour of the court, or did you fall over a lot?

LAUGHTER

OK.

What's going on here? Is this a before and after?

Yes, I was on a diet.

And why have you got the iPhone backpack?

LAUGHTER

OK, that's you back in Greece. There's more iPhoning,

That's you, your own face.

There's your kids. There's a vanity...

There's a level of vanity. What the...?

LAUGHTER

WHOOPING AND WOLF WHISTLES

Do you meditate and look at pictures of yourself?

This is during the itchy section of the meditation.

"It is normal to feel itchy due to meditation."

So, right, let's get into your texts here.

The text I'm going to send is...

"I had a really weird

"dream last night..."

Oh...

"..that me and you..."

Oh, no.

"..were presenting Match Of The Day

"together,

"naked."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"What do you think

"it means?"

LAUGHTER

How would you sign a text, Robbie?

I'd put a kiss.

-One kiss?

-Yeah.

-OK, let's just go through this text.

"I had a really weird dream last night that me and you

"were presenting Match Of The Day together naked.

"What do you think it means?"

Let's send that to everybody in Robbie's phone. ROBBIE GROANS

Shall we do it? CHEERING

And...

that has gone!

Yay!

Ladies and gentlemen, a huge hand

for the vainest meditator on earth -

it's Robbie Savage!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We'll be finding who's texted back later on in the show.

Pass me the ball, I'm going to... C'mon, let's have it.

God, look at the pressure, yeah. Instant control.

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

Oh, oh, oh, he's still going. He's still...

Oh, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wah! Wah!

Whoa, whoa!

SHOUTS AND WHISTLES FROM AUDIENCE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Not bad!

Whoo!

OK, my next guest is a mind magician.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

He is known as the real life Sherlock Holmes.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

Prepare to be amazed, ladies and gentlemen, by the wonderful...

Mr Colin Cloud is here! Colin Cloud!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Are you well?

CHEERING

Good. Can I ask you all now, please,

to stand up for me on your feet?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

So now that you are all standing,

listen very carefully.

I want you all now to think of a simple colour, any colour.

And if you are thinking of red,

sit back down.

Good, if you are still standing, think of a simple shape.

And if you are thinking of a circle, sit back down.

If you are sitting down right now, you'll be pleased to know

the way that you think is what's called "normal".

LAUGHTER

If, on the other hand, you are still standing,

you'll be pleased to know you're harder to influence

and cannot think of colours or shapes very quickly.

LAUGHTER

With this in mind, then, I wonder if you can help with this.

Er... Lady right here,

in the white dress with the black spots.

-Yes, you. What's your name?

-Oh, Claudette.

-Claudette.

-Yeah.

-Claudette, you remain standing.

Everyone else sit back down. OK.

-Claudette?

-Yes?

-We have never met before?

-Never.

-Genuinely never met,

and you have no idea exactly what I'm about to do to you.

Good! Do me a favour - not out loud, in your head, right now,

think about the name of the very first person you ever kissed.

Don't say their name, think of it.

And please Claudette a huge round of applause

as she makes her way up to the stage. Claudette, up you come.

APPLAUSE

Hi, Claudette. I will not embarrass you, OK, Claudette?

Come right this way.

Now, Claudette, thank you so much for helping.

Claudette, can I ask you please to hold two hands straight out

in front of you like this?

We'll avoid the microphone for a second. Good.

Imagine there is a computer keyboard right there,

and now imagine you are typing. So don't move your fingers,

but imagine you are typing this person's first name.

Just the first name, OK?

Think about where it took place as well.

Perfect. And in your mind, imagine typing the first letter,

just the first letter, OK?

Good. Imagine typing the second letter.

Good. And the next le... Is the third letter an S?

-Yes.

-Yes, good, OK. Still warming up, still warming up.

Just think... I want you to keep your eyes open,

but pout your lips like you're about to kiss this person.

Do this...

LAUGHTER

Very natural.

Keeping look at me. Just pout, just pout.

Stay right there. Stay there, stay there.

HE SNIFFS

Were you eating pizza before you came here?

-Yeah!

-Yes! Right.

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

You can put your hands back down.

I think, if I'm right... In your mind, count the number of letters

in this person's name. Don't say it, think it. Do you have it?

Just the first name. Got it?

So weird - you thought four but you counted there are five.

Five letters, yeah? OK.

Next time don't move your fingers, OK? That, er...

Dead giveaway.

If I'm right, then the kiss, it must've taken place outside,

from the way that you were picturing it. Yes?

I was going to say under something, like an archway

-but not quite an archway.

-Yeah.

-Yes?

-Were you imagining maybe this was under a bridge?

-Yes!

Yes! Is that what you were thinking? OK, but these guys might just think

you're playing along, so I'm going to have to show them first, OK?

In a loud voice - please don't say this -

into that microphone, Claudette, tell us what is the first name

of the person you had your first kiss with?

Into that microphone, nice and loud and clear.

Basil.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Basil indeed, Claudette!

Thank you so much. Wonderful.

You can head back to your seat down here, OK?

Thank you again, Claudette.

Thank you very much for your time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Colin Cloud!

Colin Cloud!

Colin! Obviously I can't let you go without us talking,

-because I've never seen you perform before.

-Yes.

-And that's blown my mind.

-Good.

Cos I also kissed Basil under a bridge.

LAUGHTER

So is there any chance you could do something with me?

CHEERING

Er... Pull up two hands like this.

-Imagine you were...

-Don't do the one where you say I've just had pizza,

cos that's always.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Crisps. But, er...

HE SNIFFS

Hummus crisps.

What the... How would you know that?

Yes?

Ladies and gentlemen, absolutely sensational -

the mind-blowing Colin Cloud. What about that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Claudette, what happened to Basil?

Basil's watching this at home.

LAUGHTER

Can you imagine Basil? He's probably still under the bridge.

"She said she'd be back in five minutes. I'm still here!"

Oh. And what about now - are you married and everything?

No.

Basil!

LAUGHTER

I'll make an appeal for you.

Basil, if you're watching, please get in touch with the show.

I have Claudette here.

She's single, she's available, she had a pizza earlier,

and she wants to meet with you.

That's all the information I know, Claudette.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, Basil!

Oh, it'd be so fun! Oh.

We have an incredible show for you tonight,

packed with top-notch, wonderful entertainment.

But I would like to tell you that one of the stars of tonight's show

doesn't even know they're going to be on the show tonight.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

That's because one member of the public will become

our Unexpected Star of the show!

CHEERING

This is Laura Thornton.

There she is. She's a florist, and she runs a small shop

in Gloucestershire with her husband John.

And this is her actually hard at work being a florist.

Laura thinks she's coming to the theatre tonight

to deliver a bouquet of flowers.

But that's not why she's coming here at all.

I know there's more to Laura than meets the eye.

She dreams, ladies and gentlemen, of being a singer,

and tonight we're going to give her that chance to perform

on this very stage for you tonight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Laura's brother Stephen has helped set this up,

and apparently Stephen's in the audience. Stephen, where are you?

Stevo! Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Stephen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes.

-Stephen, how lovely to meet you.

-How you doing? You all right?

I'm very good. Tell us a bit about Laura.

Tell us about her work as a florist.

So she's been humbly working away as a florist in the Cotswolds

for a number of years now. She's also been singing

-a little bit on the side as well.

-OK.

She's been doing lots of little gigs in pubs and local clubs

-and things around there.

-Right.

She's got some good old influences as well -

she likes Ella Fitzgerald,

Elkie Brooks, Randy Crawford,

and, you know, more recently, Adele, Paloma Faith...

-Brilliant.

-But she cannot imagine...

I feel like you're giving me a Christmas list. I'll do my best!

-It's her passion?

-Yes, absolutely.

But she's a florist and she thinks she's coming here tonight

-to deliver this wedding bouquet.

-Yeah.

-And would you say she has a good voice?

-I think she's incredible, yeah.

-What's the largest audience she's performed in front of before?

-Probably about 35 people.

-35 people.

-So, yeah.

-LAUGHTER

That's amazing. Well, we've got 2,500 people in here tonight.

Let's see how that goes. Let's hear it for Stephen.

Thank you so much. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Wow!

35 people.

This is going to be a step up.

All right, well, Laura is on her way at this very moment.

It's going to be the biggest surprise of her life,

and of course, if she agrees, she will then be fulfilling

her dream in a truly amazing, show stopping performance

at the end of the show. But right now she's on her way to the theatre

with a bunch of flowers, completely oblivious

to how that's going to play out.

OK, right.

Sorry, I should tell you, just between us,

that when I introduce an act

I have to do it from a position.

So I just... I feel the need to say that,

cos otherwise you would've thought

that was an odd thing, that I suddenly...

LAUGHTER

I have a mark on the...

Cos sometimes I can't find it, and I look for it,

and I don't want you thinking, "He's just gone mad."

Every once in a while I'll just suddenly go...

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest

is a Welsh classical singing sensation.

Here with the song she is singing in honour

of the British armed forces,

it's the divine Katherine Jenkins.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I

# I wish you could swim

# Like the dolphins

# Like dolphins can swim

# No, nothing

# Nothing will keep us together

# We can beat them

# For ever and ever

# We can be heroes

# Just for one day

# Guns, they shot above our heads

# And we kissed

# As though nothing could fail

# No, nothing

# Nothing will drive them away

# We can beat them

# Forever and ever

# We can be heroes

# Just for one day

# We can be heroes

# Just for one day

-# We can be heroes

-Just for one day

# We can be heroes

# Just for one day

-# We can be heroes

-Just for one day

# We can be heroes

# Just for one day

# Just for one day

# Just for one day. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Katherine Jenkins, what about that?

Oh, darling.

Amazing.

Beautiful, fantastic.

Now, tell me about - this song is going to be on an album

-for the Queen.

-An album that, er... I guess in honour of the Queen.

It's her 90th birthday this year.

-That was really... That last note is quite sensational.

-Thank you.

-How do you keep your voice like that?

-I don't know.

-Lots of water.

-I loved it where you ramped up for it.

HE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

-It was amazing.

-You're really good!

What about when the doctor goes, "Say 'ah'"?

Do you like to mess with them a little bit? "Say 'ah'."

HE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

LAUGHTER

SHE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

That was absolutely fantastic. That was really beautiful.

-Thank you for having me.

-One more time.

-Thank you.

Wonderful Katherine Jenkins. Go on, Katherine. Amazing.

# Just for one day. #

There's still so much to come on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

Texts have been flying in on Robbie Savage's phone.

He's here playing Send To All.

And I can tell you that from the whole series so far, Robbie,

we have not had a response like we've had to this dream text.

I don't even know how long it's going to take to get through them.

There's over 60 texts.

I haven't seen them, I've just heard...

I've heard about a couple.

It's gold. You don't want to miss that, OK?

All right, Laura, our florist from Gloucestershire -

well, she's in the building, OK?

She's in an office right now downstairs,

where I think we can see live footage of her waiting.

There she is. That is Laura.

And is that her husband John? Is that right, Steve?

That's her husband John, who looks really cool, I have to say.

LAUGHTER

It's so funny, this, cos he knows he's actually going to be on TV

and he's gone for this all silk outfit.

LAUGHTER

Unbelievable. To be honest,

she looks a bit glamorous as well, Steve!

She thinks she's coming for dinner later on,

-so she's dressed up a bit as well.

-Oh, she's dressed for...

And does John think he's having dinner with Il Divo?

LAUGHTER

OK. Oh, she's grabbing her...

Oh, she's preparing them. They look very good.

That's the bouquet. She's here to deliver those.

All right, now, because her husband John,

or "Jean", as he probably prefers to be called tonight...

LAUGHTER

..is with her - and it's not his moment at all, is it, Steve?

On the way up,

he's apparently going to have to excuse himself and go to the loo

so that he's not part of this moment.

So there's quite a lot that has to fall into place.

So John has to go to the loo,

and then she will be alone to walk up here,

and I think she's been told to knock on the door.

You really have to be quiet, cos them I'm going to go...

they'll take my mic down so it doesn't sound like

I've got the best voice projection.

BOOMING: "Come in!"

If I say something silly, don't laugh.

Cos I'm tempted to go, "Enter!"

Or something, but don't laugh. Don't laugh.

LAUGHTER

Or, "Give me a minute! Give me a minute!"

LAUGHTER

So get your laughing out of your system now, all right?

OK, are we ready, ladies and gentlemen?

Are we ready to get Laura up here? CHEERING

All right, total silence. Let's do this, and of course,

when she does come through the door,

give her the maximum, the maximum moment possible.

WHISPERING: Let's bring her up. Let's do this. OK.

-Hello, gang.

-Hi, there.

He's ready for you. Alex is ready.

-Do you want to... Which one's yours?

-This one.

-Them ones?

-This one's mine.

-Come along, yeah.

Is there anywhere I can use the toilet?

Oh, yeah, of course. It's on the way anyway.

I should've shown you on the way in, shouldn't I?

If you just want to go there and go to the toilet,

if we just crack on up, I'll come back for you, if that's all right?

-Yeah, OK.

-Yeah, I'll be a few seconds.

-OK. Thanks.

Is it for a bride or for the groom, or...?

-The bride.

-I don't know anything about flowers, you can tell.

-Definitely not for the groom!

-Not for the groom, OK.

So if you just go down at the end of the corridor, that's his office.

-OK.

-Just give it a knock and wait there for him.

-I'll go and get your friend.

-OK.

Come in.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

INAUDIBLE

It's Laura!

Ladies and gentlemen, Laura Thornton's here!

Oh, good lord.

Laura, darling, how are you?

A little bit terrified.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God. Laura, you've already noticed your brother Steve

over there, who has helped set you up tonight.

You're on my show, Laura, as the Unexpected Star of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, Laura, would you like to explain

why you think you're here tonight?

I thought I was delivering a wedding bouquet.

What's actually happening, Laura, is we understand

that as well as being a florist, you have a passion.

-What might that be?

-Oh, singing.

-Do you think it might be singing?

-Oh, my God.

-Do you enjoy singing?

-What have you done?

LAUGHTER

-What have you done?

-How much do you enjoy singing, Laura?

-I... I quite enjoy singing.

-Yeah?

LAUGHTER

OK, well, tonight, with the help of Steve,

and of course your gorgeous husband John...

who's still in the toilet, unfortunately.

LAUGHTER

Oh, there he is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He said when we were getting ready tonight...

-And now you know why.

-Yeah, now I know.

And he made some interesting decisions. So, um...

-So this is the plan - we're going to take you backstage.

-Yeah.

And we're going to rehearse with you,

and you're going to take part in a very big singing performance

at the end of tonight's show. WHOOPING FROM AUDIENCE

-OK.

-If you're up for that. What do you think, Laura?

-Are you up for that?

-I think I've got to be up for it.

-I think she is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And just to say that all of us here,

we're all rooting for you, aren't we? We're all rooting for Laura.

Fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, Laura,

our Unexpected Star of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She was really freaked out.

LAUGHTER She was really freaked out.

These are beautiful.

Ah. I'm going to give them to you, Claudette.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Only, darling, if you promise me

that when you marry Basil,

you'll be holding these as you walk down the aisle.

Basil, she's ready, she's got the...

Just bring the rings and it's on! It's on, Baz!

I feel... I'm slightly...

Basil's at home with his wife and she's going, "You dare, Baz!

"I'll have you, Baz!"

Right, Robbie Savage, ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it for a wonderful sport, Robbie Savage!

I have your phone here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Earlier tonight, I put a text into Robbie's phone, and the text was...

"I had a really weird dream last night

"that me and you were presenting Match of the Day together naked.

"What do you think it means?"

Well, that got sent into your phone

and amazingly, I think everybody you've ever known has texted back.

Let's see. Al Shearer.

I presume that's England sensation and legend Alan Shearer?

OK. He just put, "You're a weirdo, that's what."

LAUGHTER

Who's AP?

Sir AP McCoy.

AP McCoy? So he's just gone with,

"I hope you meant to send that to Gabby Logan and not me."

Let's see. This is from F Flintoff,

which I presume is the great England Ashes legend himself,

he's gone with, "The weirdest part..."

This is brilliant!

"The weirdest part isn't me, or being naked,

"it's you actually presenting Match of the Day!"

LAUGHTER

Who's Quags?

-One of my best friends from Wales.

-One of your best friends from Wales.

"Hello, Geez. Trust the family are well, mate. Interesting one.

"To dream of a close friend can mean you missing him.

"There are various meanings for being naked..."

He's obviously Googled this!

No, it says here,

"Let me look it up and do some research on it, Geez.

"You on Match of the Day I can understand...",

This is amazing!

"Me, I'm no-one, which makes it intriguing.

"Let me have a look at it."

"Have you dreamed of me or being naked before?"

Then he's texted back...

"Geez, some research suggests that being naked is an insecurity thing

"and you feel you are not in control.

"Is all OK with the family and the job?"

Quagy!

He's gone and done his research!

Oh, Quags is a good friend.

Oh, Phillip Rocco. Who's Phillip Rocco?

Um...

I bought a watch off him.

Phillip Rocco is a burglar?

-You bought a watch off him?!

-Yeah.

He's just said, "Tough one, this."

Oh, and he's started with great emojis of the thinking person.

He's gone for five thoughts. "Tough one this.

"I think it means you're possibly overworking.

"I've just asked my missus what she thinks it means

"and she was more gutted that it wasn't her

"presenting Match of the Day naked with you!

"PS, was we completely naked?

"Or were we wearing watches?"

LAUGHTER

That's a great text!

Harry, who's Harry?

Harry Judd, I done Strictly with Harry.

Oh, Harry Judd.

"It means you're dreaming about me naked...again!"

Um, this is quite funny.

We've actually got one from former head of the BBC, Danny Cohen.

Danny Cohen, of course, knows all about this gag,

he hasn't twigged at all!

"I'm very worried about this message."

And then he put, "Very worried."

"You must be missing me. Shall we have lunch sometime?"

I'm gonna text him back, "Only if you're naked!"

LAUGHTER

I'm sending that. That's gone.

Oh, good one from Ian Wright.

Ian Wright! Ian writes just three words,

"You fancy me".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You fancy me!

OK...

Oh, my God, he's got back to me. Danny Cohen just got back to me!

"Very troubling."

He's so troubled.

I'm naked now.

Can I FaceTime you?

Can I FaceTime you?

Oh, my God, it's got those dots that say he's thinking of his response!

Oh, no, he's got back. Danny Cohen's just got back.

He's said, "I'm calling the police."!

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, that was absolutely fantastic, Robbie Savage!

Thank you, Robbie. That was really good fun. That was awesome!

Go on, Robbie!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the performance

of our Unexpected Star of the Show!

Earlier tonight, Laura, a florist from Gloucestershire,

came to the theatre thinking she was simply delivering some flowers

as part of her work,

but little did she know she was set up by her brother Steve,

and her husband John, so that she can perform on this very stage,

and sing to you tonight to make her dream come true.

She's been rehearsing like mad backstage,

and it's time for her to take centre stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has sold millions of flowers...

In fact, there isn't an artist worldwide who's sold more CDs...

Sorry, seeds.

From jasmine to jazz, she's top of the poppies,

it's our singing florist, Laura!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's too darn hot

# It's too darn hot

# I'd like to sup with my baby tonight

# Refill my cup with my baby tonight

# I'd like to sup with my baby tonight

# Refill my cup with my baby tonight

# But, brother, we'll only get fighting tonight

# Cos it's too darn hot

# It's too darn hot

# It's too darn hot

# I'd like to coo with my baby tonight

# And pitch the woo with my baby tonight

# I'd like to coo with my baby tonight

# And pitch the woo with my baby tonight

# But, brother, we'll only get fighting tonight

# Cos it's too darn hot

# According to the Kinsey Report

# Every average man I know

# Much prefers to woo his lovie at night

# When the temperature is low

# And when the thermometer goes way up

# And the weather is sizzling hot

# Mister pants for romance says not

# Cos it's too, too, too darn hot

# It's too darn hot

# It's too darn hot

# It's too darn hot

# It's too darn hot

# It's too

# Darn

# Hot! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

It's Laura, ladies and gentlemen!

Brilliant, well done, congratulations.

That was sensational.

Oh, what about that? Come on, Laura!

Wow! Wow.

These are for you, thank you so much.

-How did that feel?

-Fantastic.

-Was that amazing?

-Amazing, amazing. I loved it, thank you so much.

I'll never ever forget this, thank you.

Thank you, well done.

Thank you, thank you for coming. You were sensational.

One more time please for our singing florist Laura.

There we go.

CHEERING

Too darn hot!

If you know somebody you'd like to nominate

to be an Unexpected Star of the Show for the next series...

..or in fact, want to nominate someone for any surprise...

We can now go live to your house.

Shut up!

Please go to:

Join me next week for the last Big Show of the series.

One more person will be getting the shock of their life

to become our Unexpected Star of the Show,

another brave celebrity will be playing "Send To All",

and we'll have loads more unmissable star performances and audience fun.

Until then, thank you very much.

Good night! Bravo!