Christmas Special Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Christmas Show -

Aled Jones plays Celebrity Send To All.

Michael Ball and Alfie Boe bring the house down.

There's festive fun from Nan

and Kevin.

And who will be our Christmas Unexpected Star of the show?

All this and SO much more!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the Big Christmas Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

# Rockin' around the Christmas tree

# Have a happy holiday

# Everyone dancin' merrily

# In the new old-fashioned way. #

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening! Hello!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to my Big Christmas Show!

Hey-hey!

Oh, yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

there will be big Christmas stars...

AUDIENCE WHOOPS ..big Christmas laughs...

AUDIENCE CHEERS ..and big Christmas games!

AUDIENCE OOHS

Christmas Eve - what a fantastic, exciting time.

It's probably the most exciting time, isn't it, Christmas Eve?

It's all about to happen. It's all about to happen.

One more sleep. One more sleep till Christmas.

Have you got children? Applaud if you've got children.

APPLAUSE

They'll be so excited tonight, won't they? One more sleep.

"Get some sleep." You're desperate to get them to sleep.

"Just get to sleep. Big day tomorrow.

"Big day. Get some sleep."

Once, my children woke up, both of them -

they must have woken each other up -

and came down for Christmas before I'd even gone to sleep.

It was still Christmas Eve. They went, "It's Christmas!"

I was like, "No, it isn't. It's 10.15. Go back to bed!"

My wife, of course, was asleep because she's tired.

She works hard. She's a mother and that is very, very difficult,

especially at Christmas.

She tends to fall asleep before me because I'm not tired.

I'm up watching the telly.

I don't know what goes on in your relationships.

Sometimes you sleep at the same time which is very rare.

There tends to be some cuddling.

It's how it's supposed to be, isn't it? Cuddling. "Love you."

Have to reassure there's love still in the marriage. "I love you."

You're very much cuddling each other but your arm is trapped.

You realise you can't sleep like that.

There comes a time when you have to go, "As much as I love you,

"darling, I need to remove my arm. It's trapped. Sorry."

You have to roll away to a sleeping position

which, really, is as far apart from each other as it's possible to get.

"I love you, but now it is time for me to roll away for sleep."

To be honest, she normally initiates the roll away.

"OK, that's enough. Go on, off you go, darling. I'm tired.

"Over to your side now. Over to your side."

As you get quite old, you actually roll away

and then you go down the corridor to your new room.

That is a depressing development in the relationship.

APPLAUSE

She tends to go to sleep before me and I watch the telly,

so I'm an observer of a sleeping person, my wife,

and I have to say it's very odd how we always start off the night

in the perfect sleeping position, don't we?

We always start as we hope to go on. Head on the pillow, duvet comes in.

It's the perfect sleeping position

cos during the night your body goes into every position

you can get actually get it in, but you don't start like that.

You don't go, "Good night, darling" and immediately go...

You start perfectly. I watch, I see how the perfect position dismantles

cos I'm watching the telly. My wife says good night.

She goes to sleep in a perfect position.

Within moments, the leg comes down here.

Mouth sort of flops open.

The arm's up here.

Breathing on me.

Even though I've seen her brushing her teeth 10-15 minutes earlier,

her breath is already slightly on the turn.

I'm wedging pillows in front of her face.

Sometimes at the beginning, she does that weird jolting thing

that nobody quite knows what it is.

She'll suddenly just wake herself up.

"Oh! Oh!

"Michael!"

"Are you all right, darling?"

"Oh, that was so weird. Oh!

"I thought I was falling. I thought I was falling."

"Well, you're not falling, darling.

"If anything, you're too much on my side.

"You should be closer to the wall. Go back to sleep, darling."

"I love you." And off she goes into a perfect position, but then,

within moments, she drops off, the leg comes back out...

And mumbling, as well. I don't know who she's talking to.

She mumbles in her sleep. It's not a language, not English.

HE MUMBLES

She argues with herself in tongues.

"I don't... Wha-wha!?

"You come at me with that? Wha?"

HE MUMBLES "Really?!"

Sometimes her eyes pop open in my face.

It's like a horror movie. I look over and she's like...

"Are you awake, darling?"

"Wha? Wha?" HE MUMBLES

The only time she smiles sweetly, and I regret saying this,

is when the night farts kick in.

Now look, can I say that my wife is a very prim and proper person

and she hasn't actually farted in the daytime

in the 17 years we've been together,

and it's a record we're both very proud of.

But I'm here to tell you, unfortunately,

her night record is not nearly as strong.

It's biology. They HAVE to pop out.

It tends to be when I'm watching telly

and she reacts to them, as well.

HE MUMBLES, FARTS

"Oh!"

HE FARTS, CHUCKLES

I don't know what she'd eaten the other night,

but it was like a fireworks display.

It sort of built to a finale.

She was like... FARTS

"Oh!"

RAPID FARTS

Then one big one and she woke herself up! "Oh!

"What was that, Michael? There was a bang!"

"Darling, go back to sleep. Everything's fine."

"Seriously, what was that? Oh, my God, why is the window open?

"What's been going on here?

"What time is it? It was a bang.

"I heard a bang, Michael. Why is the lamp on the floor?

"Why are you holding the Febreze? What's been going on?"

APPLAUSE

Of course, I've got to get my wife something nice.

Lot of husbands in here. "What we going to get our wives?"

I've been with my wife 17 years.

No surprises she's not interested any more.

I say to her, "Have you got any hints for Christmas? Any hints?"

She gives me very, very specific instructions.

"There are these shoes... Write it down. ..these shoes I like.

"It's called ballet pump, OK? Write it down. It's a ballet pump."

"What's that?"

"Doesn't matter. Write it down. It's a dusty pink."

"You don't want a normal pink?"

"Just write it down. I'll write down the name of the shop.

"This is the name of the shop, OK?

"There's a woman there. It's in Marylebone. Write it down!

"Ask for Helen. I've actually put it aside. It's paid for.

"All you have to do, Michael... Look at me. ..is pick it up, OK?"

Christmas Day is just her opening presents going, "Correct.

"Correct." APPLAUSE

No more surprises.

Ladies and gentlemen,

who would like to play Christmas Celebrity Send To All?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, this is, of course, where I take a celebrity's mobile phone

and send a text of my choosing to their contacts and see what

hilarious replies they get at the end of the show,

so let's find out who's in our Christmas Send To All box.

Well, who would you rather have at Christmas than the divine...

It's Aled Jones!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can it be more Christmassy?

-No!

-How are you, Aled?

-I'm good. How are you?

-So nice to see you.

-Really nice... Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas to you, Aled.

-You ARE Christmas.

-Thanks.

-Have you got a Christmas album at Christmas?

Of course I have, with my younger self.

-With your younger self?

-Yeah.

A 12-year-old Aled Jones singing with a 45-year-old Aled Jones.

-How very exciting.

-Yeah.

-Who are you here with tonight?

Some fella who's been following me around since I was 14.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Snowman!

CHEERING

Oh, Aled, I can't imagine a more Christmassy scene

than looking at you in the box with the Snowman.

Is there any way we can make it more Christmassy in there?

-Yay!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Walking In The Air by Aled Jones

-SINGS FALSETTO

-# We're walking in the air

# We're floating in the moonlit sky. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah!

That's done it for me. That's tipped me over the edge.

I've got Christmasitis.

I've never been more Christmassy!

I can not thank you enough for being here covered in snow with the

-Snowman...

-I'd do anything for you.

-..and playing Send To All with me.

Aled, all I need to ask is for you to place your mobile phone

-into the Celebrity Send To All cushion.

-OK.

I wonder what music they've selected to get this down tonight?

MUSIC: Walking In The Air by Aled Jones

LAUGHTER

# We're floating in the moonlit sky. #

Yay! APPLAUSE

Oh, Aled, thank you so much.

I am now in possession of Aled Jones's HUGE mobile phone.

-You've got a big one.

-Thank you.

OK, so, I'm going to plug this phone in here.

Yeah! There you are.

WELSH ACCENT: 'It's Aled Jones' phone, innit?'

So, these are very lovely people. Who's on the front there?

That's my daughter Emilia and my son Lucas.

-Aw. Right, photos, is that OK?

-Oh, no.

Oh, this is a lovely Christmassy picture. Who's this little guy?

-That's my dog, Cubby.

-Cubby?

-Yeah.

-Hi, Cubs.

Erm... LAUGHTER

-You're an elf?

-Yeah, I like dressing up as an elf.

OK, this is an awkward seduction technique.

Mrs Jones in the shower while you're getting ready?

"You'll like this, love.

"Because it's a special night for us, I've taken my socks off!"

LAUGHTER

"Happy anniversary, darling."

OK, Aled, thank you so, so much for being here and giving me your phone.

It is time to put the text in, and it's a nice one.

-Now, Aled, you are an incredibly wholesome lovely person.

-Here we go.

-You are, though, aren't you?

-Not really. I'm just normal.

You're normal but you're Classic FM and you're a lovely man.

You're the perfect Christmas guest,

but you've got a little bit of a wild side.

At least that's how it's about to look.

So, the text I'm going to send from Aled's phone is,

"I may be having some kind of midlife crisis..."

Oh, no!

"..but I've decided to get a tattoo in the morning.

-"I'm thinking..."

-Oh, no!

"..either classic Welsh dragon...

"..Aled in Chinese..."

LAUGHTER

"..or the Snowman."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Need advice on any other ideas..."

Oh, no!

"..and where to put it."

LAUGHTER

-How would you sign a text, Aled?

-Just Al.

-With a kiss, I think.

Yeah, a kiss probably. Why am I telling you this?

You're about to ask everybody in your phone the following -

"I may be having some kind of midlife crisis,

"but I've decided to get a tattoo in the morning.

"I'm thinking either classic Welsh dragon,

"Aled in Chinese or the Snowman.

"Need advice on any other ideas and where to put it."

-Shall I send that to everybody in Aled Jones's phone?

-No!

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

A-a-a-a-a-a-nd that's gone, ladies and gentlemen!

-It's a fun one! It's fun.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

All right, we will be back later on to see what responses Aled gets,

but one more time, for Mr Christmas himself,

the adorable and wonderful, what a fantastic sport,

it's Aled Jones, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you so much.

Time now for a very special performance

from two of the greatest voices to grace the stage.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Please welcome musical theatre royalty,

it's Michael Ball and Alfie Boe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# When you wish upon a star

# Makes no difference who you are

# Anything your heart desires

# Will come to you

# If your heart is in your dreams

# No request is too extreme

# When you wish upon a star

# As dreamers do

# Fate is kind

# She brings to those who love

# The sweet fulfilment of

-BOTH:

-# Their secret longing

# Like a bolt out of the blue

# Fate steps in and sees you through

# When you wish upon a star

# Your dreams come true

# Fate is kind

# She brings to those who love

# The sweet fulfilment of

# Their secret longing

# Like a bolt out of the blue

# Fate steps in and sees you through

# When you wish upon a star

# Your dreams

# Come

# True. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Ball and Alfie Boe.

It's Boe and Ball.

Look at that. Absolutely sensational.

Listen, it's Christmas, guys.

It's Christmas Eve and I was just wondering if there was any chance

that we could try and sing something Christmassy,

because how often do you have three incredible voices on the same stage?

LAUGHTER

-Any chance, guys?

-Absolutely.

CHEERING

I've got something cued up.

It's one of my favourites, so let's see how it goes.

MUSIC: The Little Drummer Boy

-BOTH:

-# Come, they told me, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum

# Pa-pa-pum-pum

# A new born King to see, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum

# Ra-pa-pum-pum

# Our finest gifts we bring, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum

# Ra-pa-pa-pa-pa, pum-pum

# To lay before the King

-ALL:

-# Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum

# Ra-pa-pum-pum

# Ra-pa-pum-pum

# Peace on earth

# Can it be?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Years from now

# Perhaps we'll see

# See the day of glory

# See the day when men of goodwill live in peace

# Live in peace again. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Guys? Ra-pa-pum, where have you gone?

Good luck with the new album, guys. Ra-pa-pum, goodbye!

One more time, what an absolute treat to have them here,

Ball and Boe!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now it is time to find out who is going to be tonight's

Unexpected Christmas Star of the show!

APPLAUSE

So, tonight, we're not going to surprise one person.

We're going to surprise 21 people.

So, let me tell you about tonight's

Unexpected Christmas Stars of the show.

So, they are the Forth Valley Choir.

They've come all the way down from Scotland, and there they are.

They're all NHS nurses.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The choir think they are coming here tonight to audition for

a Christmas concert, but of course, that's not really why they're here.

As well as caring for people all day,

these hard-working nurses regularly raise money for local

charities and hospitals, but tonight is for them.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The nurses have been nominated by their boss Angela, who is here,

I believe, in the audience and I can chat with Angela now.

Angela, where are you? Hi, Ange.

I'm coming down, Ange. I'm coming down.

-Darling Angela, how are you?

-I'm very well, thank you.

-Lovely to meet you.

-And lovely to meet you.

So, you work at the Forth Valley?

Yeah, I'm the director of nursing in NHS Forth Valley,

which is the pretty bit in Scotland between Edinburgh and Glasgow.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: 'Oh, the pretty bit, eh? It's beautiful.

'I love the pretty bit! Little corridor of beauty.'

-It's lovely! Absolutely beautiful.

-Fabulous.

-Tell me about your girls. What are they like?

-They're incredible.

They came together to celebrate nursing and to do something

together to support one another,

to give something back to those that we care for and serve every day

-in Scotland.

-They're lovely, lovely people.

-Be good to them, Michael.

-What do you mean be good to them?!

-Please.

-What do you think I'm going to do to the nurses?!

What have you heard?

Just even speaking in that accent might be quite scary for us.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

SCOTTISH ACCENT: 'I cannae stop doing it. That's the problem, eh?'

-Thank you so much for helping us organise this.

-Thanks for having us.

I hope it's going to be a wonderful treat for them and for all of us.

A lovely Christmas surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Angela from the Forth Valley!

APPLAUSE Brilliant. Lovely to meet you.

OK, so, let me tell you about the plan tonight.

They think they are coming to an office of a leading events company

called Big Show Events right next door,

but, of course, that's all not real.

Let me show you what the shop front looked like before.

That's it earlier today and now it is the Big Show Events, yeah!

They think they're going there to audition to be a choir in

a Christmas production, but they have no idea what it is.

So, what's going to happen is

they're going to be asked to come round here.

It's going to have to be in two batches.

So, the first batch of nurses is going to come up,

about ten of them, and they're going to be told to audition.

They're going to be led down the side of the theatre,

but they don't know it's the theatre,

in through a corridor all the way on to this stage,

or nearly on to this stage, cos what we have is an enormous, fake lift.

So, the lift is going to be here. They're going to get into the lift.

The doors are going to close behind them,

and, yes, you guessed it, the doors at the other side open

and all of you will be on the other side

and it'll be a lift full of very surprised nurses.

All right, Ange?

APPLAUSE

I think we can actually go live to the Big Show Events company

next door and see what's going on.

Oh, my God, they're all there waiting for the event.

So, I can tell you that we have a gentleman called Richard

who's outside and he is going to pretend to be

a vocal coach and he's going to gather up the girls and have

a little bit of fun with them

because I can actually communicate with Richard from the stage.

So, let's send Richard in to gather up all the girls.

-Here comes Richard.

-Hello.

-Hello, everybody.

-I'm Richard. I'm a vocal coach.

Hello, I'm the vocal coach. Hello. Richard. Hello.

-Hello, girls.

-Hello, girls.

-ALL:

-Hi.

-Where are you all from?

-Where are you all from?

-ALL:

-Scotland.

Just before, I have all you nurses here...

While I've got you all here...

I'm sorry to say it's unprofessional.

..I'm sorry to say this is quite unprofessional...

..but I've got a little bit of a sore throat.

..I've got a sore throat.

-Can anyone feel my glands?

-Can someone feel my glands?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, here we go.

-Not bad.

-Not bad?

-Not bad.

-I'll take that.

OK, girls, let's start with some vocal exercises.

We're going to do some face massages now.

Just massage your face and open up your muscles.

-RICHARD REPEATS That's good.

-Lovely.

And if you could just go... HE SINGS A SCALE

-RICHARD SINGS A SCALE

-At the same time.

ALL SING A SCALE

-That's very, very good. That's excellent.

-That's excellent.

OK, you're all warmed up. What I'm going to do now...

-OK, thank you.

-..is I'm going to point to you...

Now I'm going to point to you...

..and I want you to do an impression,

verbally and physically, of the animal that I say.

HE REPEATS

-Just to warm up your vocal cords.

-Just to warm up your vocal cords.

So, pick someone randomly and just say "dog".

So, let's start with dog.

Woof-woof!

-OK, cat.

-Good. OK, cat.

Meow! Meow!

-Good, excellent. Gorilla?

-Gorilla.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

-Very good.

-Excellent.

-Dolphin.

-Cool. Dolphin.

SHE MEWS

THEY LAUGH

Lovely.

-Lovely, good.

-OK, and then, all together, slug.

All together, slug!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, that's brilliant. Let's leave it there. Just carry on.

-Do some scales with them.

-So, we'll just do some scales.

So, we'll start on...

HE HUMS A NOTE

That's our nurses, ladies and gentlemen.

They look like fun, don't they? APPLAUSE

OK.

This is our lift, ladies and gentlemen.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

OK, so, it has a capacity of 12 people,

so we're going to bring up, I think, ten and then 11

and then we're going to surprise them in two groups.

But I'm going to show you round the lift first. Open!

Yes, it opened for me.

When people come into the lift,

you know there's that button that you press to hold it open,

and then there's one to close it?

Do you ever pretend you're doing the open one and do the other one?

"Oh, sorry. Sorry."

LAUGHTER

So, this is the lift. Come and have a look up here. Look, exit this way.

Oh, they're closing.

OK, so, I'm now inside the lift. Very authentic here.

This'll tell them where they're going.

Of course, they're not going anywhere.

And this is where they come into the lift. Doors are opening there.

So, when the lift doors are closed, have a look at this.

-LIFT:

-'Doors closing.'

-That's my voice.

Look, it's very authentic. We've got lights and everything.

There's a fire thing that may or may not have a camera in it.

I think it does. Very good. Doors open, they get into the lift.

So, if these doors open,

you'll see their point of view and look at all of you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, OK.

Very exciting. And, of course, when that moment happens,

it is your responsibility to give them an enormous Christmas welcome.

-OK, you up for that? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

All right, let's bring up the first batch

of Forth Valley nurses.

-Hey, gang, it's happening. Yeah!

-NURSES CHEER

Right, I can't take all of you. You've mentioned this, haven't you?

So, I just need the first half, if I can.

Who wants to come with me now?

Follow me. So, if you lead at the back. Come with me, guys.

Get some fresh air.

(Remember to be very quiet as they come up.)

OK, I'll just get the lift door for you.

In you get, yeah.

Keep on coming, ladies. That's OK.

Air-conditioned here, though, isn't it?

THEY CHAT

Is everyone in there? OK, so, if you just press floor two.

Close.

THEY CHAT

Floor two.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come over here.

Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Don't be alarmed.

Over there, you'll see Ange over there. There's Angie!

So, girls, let me explain what's happening.

This is my Christmas television show.

-You've been set up by Angie there from the hospital.

-Love you!

-You've come down today from the Forth Valley, is that right?

-Yes.

-And you think you're here for...?

-An audition.

Right.

I've got news for you, girls.

You've got the part.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's call up the other nurses now.

Everybody has to be completely quiet.

Hey, gang. Ready? We all ready?

Yeah, come on through, come on through.

Sorry about the delay.

You know what's really funny, is that every single week,

there's a paramedic who actually waits side-of-stage.

But I think, with your qualifications,

you should have this covered.

(Here they come. Ssh!)

I just want to make sure I've got everyone.

Get in, gang. Squeeze over.

Let me get this door open for you.

There you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What? What?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Stars of tonight's show,

the Forth Valley nurses!

Yeah!

Girls, let me explain what's happening because this must

be very shocking. You have been surprised.

Look over there at lovely Angela sitting in the audience.

-There's Angie.

-Hi, girls!

Angela has helped organise this big surprise for you.

You may have noticed it's my Christmas TV show.

The nation are watching,

and you are going to be our Unexpected Stars of tonight's show.

-I gather you perform together in a choir, is that right?

-Yes.

-Yes?

-Yes.

-You like to sing together?

-Yes, very much so.

-And you think you're here for an audition?

-Yes.

You will be closing tonight's show, singing a beautiful Christmas song

for all of us here tonight in the theatre.

2,000 people in the Theatre Royal in Drury Lane, and, of course,

the millions of people watching at home.

You up for that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-All right. How you feeling?

-Wonderful.

-Wonderful.

-Were you watching us earlier?

-Yes, we were.

Yeah, yeah.

HE IMPERSONATES A GORILLA

LAUGHTER

The dolphin was good. The dolphin.

-You were the dolphin?

-Yes!

HE IMPERSONATES A DOLPHIN

OK, we'll see you later on. Ladies and gentlemen, it's our nurses.

We'll see you later on. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Off you go this way. We'll get you sorted out.

See you later on, girls. See you later on.

No, don't go that way.

I thought you took a present!

I thought she'd nicked one of the presents!

SCOTTISH ACCENT: 'I'll have that, yeah.

'I'm down in London. These cameras aren't rolling, are they?'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What a cheek!

I turn around and she's under the tree.

'That one looks my size. I'm having that.'

APPLAUSE

It is now time for some Christmas fun.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

You, the audience, are going to compete against each other

in what we're calling the Big Show Christmas Games!

APPLAUSE

The audience is in four sections.

Each section of this audience is going to be represented by

a competitor in our Christmas Games.

So, first off, I'm actually going to come into the stalls

and I'm going to find one person

who would like to play the games tonight.

Hold the line, I'm coming down.

-OK, your hand is up. What's your name?

-Julie.

-Hi, Julie.

-Hello.

-Your hat's fallen off. You're very excitable.

-Nervous.

You're dancing to a song I can't hear.

-I'm nervous.

-What do you do when you're nervous?

-Salsa.

-What's your name?

-My name's Noreen.

-Hi, Noreen.

-Hello.

-Where are you from, Noreen?

-From Woking.

-Why should I pick you, Noreen?

-Because I'm very, very naughty.

I think the stalls want her. AUDIENCE CHEERS

Come on, let's go.

Noreen's going to play the game.

OK, Noreen, I'm going to ask you to just head off over here,

some people waiting, and they're going to get you in your tracksuit

and then you'll be competing later on.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the stalls, it's Noreen!

APPLAUSE

OK, so that is Noreen who's playing for you down here in the stalls.

Let's find out who's playing for the rest of the theatre.

Representing the royal circle...

APPLAUSE AND BOOS

I feel a bit mad about this. It is a man who hates Christmas.

It's real-life Scrooge,

Philip Atkinson from Buckinghamshire.

APPLAUSE

Welcome, Philip.

So, Philip, what is it that you don't like about Christmas?

-Predictable.

-Yes, that's certainly the case.

-Boring.

-Boring.

-Socks.

-Yeah.

-Shower gel.

-Yeah, you're not keen on Christmas.

-It's awful.

I'm sorry to the royal circle, but give him all your love.

APPLAUSE

Right, so that's Philip.

It is good news, I have to say, for the grand circle.

Representing you is the opposite of Philip.

It's Christmas-obsessed, super-organised mum, Hayley Black!

Go on, Hayley! APPLAUSE

Yay! It's Hayley!

-Christmas is something that you love?

-Can't get enough of it.

I think we've got some pictures of you enjoying Christmas, Hayley.

Talk us through that one.

I sort of turned up at work dressed as a cracker.

You went to work dressed as a cracker?

-Was anybody else in fancy dress?

-No.

That's what I like about you, Hayley.

-This is the outside of your house.

-It is.

APPLAUSE

Playing for the grand circle and the gold team, it's Hayley.

APPLAUSE

Now, finally, for you lot at the top,

it's Olympian Lewis Smith!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

-How are you? Congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

-You've got a multitude of Olympic medals.

-I've got a few, yeah.

-From the last three Olympics.

-Yeah.

Thank you so much for being here. Merry Christmas.

Playing for the balcony, the red team.

And playing for the stalls, it's Noreen!

# Rockin' around the Christmas tree

# At the Christmas party hop. #

All right.

Let's get started and play our first Christmas game.

Right, listen very carefully.

Over here, we have some Christmas lights

that are in a horrifically tangled situation.

So, you have to untangle the lights, then you have to wrap them round

your individual trees, and then you have to classically climb

underneath the three and switch on the plug.

And when I say underneath the tree,

it's going to be right underneath it here,

so you have to climb under and, of course, don't try this game at home.

To demonstrate the game properly,

please welcome the nation's favourite teenager,

Kevin Patterson!

APPLAUSE

Kevin, are you there? Kevin?

-I'm coming!

-Come on out, Kev.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kev, get off your phone.

-Urgh!

-Turn it off.

-Urgh!

-Kevin, turn it off.

Oh, what is your problem?

You can't be on your phone, Kevin.

-BELLOWS:

-Don't shout at me!

Urgh, urgh, urgh, it's so unfair!

I HATE you!

Kevin, why are you walking like a zombie?

-Can't you walk properly?

-At least I don't walk like you.

"Oh, I've got a man drawer!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kevin...I remember when I was a teenager.

How long have you been a teenager now?

Feels like 22 years.

LAUGHTER

Merry Christmas. Bought your mum a present yet?

-Yeah, course I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-What you get her?

Fifa 17.

-And what about your dad?

-Spare controller.

And what about you, Kevin? What do you want for Christmas?

Oh, I really need a new phone.

I so need a new phone!

I've got to have a new phone!

I want a new phone!

Just... I actually have bought you a Christmas present.

-What?

-Yeah, I got you a present.

-Oh.

-I got you one. Here it is, under the tree.

-Oh.

-Kevin, from all of us to you.

-Oh. Thank you very much.

-Oh.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Aw!

Oh.

Thank you very much.

-Kevin, what have you done? What are you doing?

-What?

You've got to smash the screen, haven't you?

I'm a teenager - it's the law!

Kevin, are you going to help me demonstrate this game

that we're about to play with our competitors?

Urgh! I am not your slave!

-OK, stop texting and help me.

-Urgh!

-Just for one second. Come on, Kevin.

-OK!

-All right, come on.

There are the lights here, Kev, all right?

So, you've got to try and untangle the lights.

-Want to give that a go?

-Urgh!

You're... You're doing well, Kevin.

Aren't I? Sarcastic emoji.

I think you're doing a really good job, though.

Oh, thanks very much.

So bored, I'm in a coma-faced emoji.

I hate you!

Kevin, ladies and gentlemen! APPLAUSE

Now that we're clear on the rules,

let's reveal the game.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Yeah!

OK, so if you would like to take your positions

in front of your colour-coded tree.

CHEERING

Once I pop my party popper, you must race.

Play!

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens

Oh! We've got a winner!

So close.

Darling. Darling.

Darling.

Darling. Darling.

Darling, it's OK. It's over. Louis won.

Ladies and gentlemen, our champion representing the balcony,

Louis Smith.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations all round. Well done.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out what replies

Aled Jones has received this evening in tonight's

Christmas Celebrity Send To All!

So, let's just remind ourselves of the text that I sent from Aled's

phone earlier tonight, which was...

So...the replies have been flooding in.

Let's have a look at what's happened.

-OK, Sam... Who's Sam?

-Have I texted Sam?

-No, I did.

-Oh, yeah, you did.

He's my boss at Classic FM.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Well, that explains how he's opened the text.

Your boss at Classic FM has opened with,

"In the morning?! You're on air at 9am.

"That'll be a very early appointment."

Then he's gone on,

"I'd go for a flying snowman spread across both butt cheeks.

"It'll be a thing of beauty."

What a lovely idea, with the...!

You fancy that, Snowman?

OK, that was a great text.

We can end there, if you like.

Doctor Hilary.

-Is that Doctor Hilary from the telly?

-Yeah.

-Doctor Hilary Jones?

-Yeah.

-I think he's texted that Welsh word that goes on forever.

-What?

-Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob wllllantysiliogogogoch.

-Yes.

CHEERING

Oh, no. He's basically...

I didn't read the text.

He said, "The word..."

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob wllllantysiliogogogoch.

"..on your willy."

There's more.

"I could do this for you under local anaesthetic...

"..in red ink, Doctor H."

That is a great text!

Hilary Jones, how dare you!

Oh, that is brilliant.

-Louis Chivers.

-Louise Chivers, yeah.

-Who is Louise Chivers?

-She's just a friend.

-Just a friend.

"Was this text meant for me or your therapist?"

-OK, Laura Tobin.

-Yeah. She's a weather girl.

"This is the best idea I've ever heard.

"Why not have microwave in Welsh?

"Best word ever."

Microwave in Welsh is popty ping.

-No!

-Yes.

No!

So, the ping is the sound that the microwave...

-Are you joking?!

-Popty is oven and so it's oven ping.

-Oven that pings. Popty ping.

-Popty ping

WELSH ACCENT: 'I'm absolutely ravenous.

'Put some chips in the popty ping, innit?'

-Anthea?

-That's Anthea Turner.

Anthea Turner.

"But you've already got the dragon." Do you?

No, I don't have the dragon!

She says, "But you've already got the dragon, I've seen it."

-She hasn't.

-"You know where to put that snowman and his carrot.

"Lot's of love, Anth."

She's brilliant.

We're not going to get this done, are we, tonight?

Er, no, I'm going through every single one of them. Erm...

-Oh, no, sorry, you meant the tattoo!

-I did, yeah!

That would be such a brilliant end to the show!

If some guy comes in, zzz...

COCKNEY ACCENT: 'What was the name of that Welsh town, mate?

'I'm in a rush. Can we just do Cardiff?'

Helen Hand.

I can't remember who Helen Hand is.

Helen Hand, who he can't remember, has texted, "It will be painful.

"Where are you getting the tattoo done - question."

She's actually written the word question.

"Question. Do you want everyone to see it?

"And will you like it in 20 years' time?

"If you get bigger, the tattoo will get bigger

"and misshapen.

"Good luck. Let me know how you get on.

"Send a pic. Double kiss. Helen Hand."

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-She sounds great.

She is all over this and fully expecting you to put on weight.

Yeah.

Apparently...

I've just heard she's your make-up artist.

LAUGHTER

No, not my make-up artist.

I've known her for quite a while and I have worked with her, yeah.

-OK.

-Oh, man. I'm not going to have any friends left, am I?

She's given you a lot of advice.

It doesn't matter. You're not losing friends you can't remember, Aled!

And we'll end on Lorraine Kelly.

Lovely Lorraine Kelly.

Simple two-liner - "A dragon on your bum, then send me a photo."

Brilliant.

Ladies and gentlemen, what a legend and a great sport.

What fun we've had with him tonight in our Christmas Send To All.

Aled Jones!

And don't forget the Snowman!

CHEERING

All right, that was awesome.

OK, it is time for our second Christmas event.

It's the Christmas Games, ladies and gentlemen!

So, please welcome back our competitors.

Christmas Eve, of course, it is a time

where the fridge is at its fullest.

You can't even believe how full it is.

We've all had the moment when you open the fridge on Christmas Eve

and it blows you away. "Oh! I've never seen the fridge so full!"

So, outside of the theatre is a car.

In the boot are the remaining two shopping bags.

Your job is to fill the fridge up with all the food.

And here's the key part!

The door must close.

It's time to play Christmas Eve Fridge.

And here to demonstrate this game for us,

please welcome a grandmother from East London, Joannie Taylor.

-It's Nan!

-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Hello! Hello!

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ah!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Do you need help? Do you need help, Nan?

I... Oh, look who it is, it's my favourite. Ah-ah-ah-ah!

-Hi, Nan. Do you need some help?

-No, darling!

-Can I...?

-You go over there... No, darling.

-Do you want me to help you?

-You've got enough to do, don't ya?

-You don't want me to help?

No! Don't bother helping me, will ya?

-God help us.

-Welcome, Nan.

-Welcome.

-Ah-ah-ah-ah!

-CHEERING Welcome.

-Hello!

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

You're a good boy, you are.

You're a good boy.

-Are you enjoying the show, Nan?

-Oh, I love it, sweetheart.

When you came out and you popped out of that box, didn't you?

And it was just a classic Christmas, wasn't it?

Cos there is always one present that's disappointing.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

-Look who we've got, Nan.

-Who's that?

-We've got Aled Jones here and the Snowman.

-Is that Aled Jones?

I got a very strange text from Aled.

Very strange text - something about a tattoo.

I tell you what, darling,

across your forehead, say, "Yes, I am Aled Jones.

"No, I'm not going to bleeding well sing We're Walking On The Air."

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

-All right, now, Nan...

-Right.

-Now, you're here to demonstrate the game.

-My fridge.

Come over here. This is the fridge game,

so they're going to fill the fridge,

and I understand that you filled this fridge earlier...

I did, darling, that's it.

..to show the competitors how it's done.

Yeah. Here you are, look at that. Here, look at that.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-That.

So, that is the Christmas Eve Fridge.

That's what we're looking for, sweetheart.

And that is perfectly packed by Nan.

There's a fridge cam there.

Look, Nan, you can see...

And it is... Ah-ah-ah-ah!

-Look, I've got...

-That's us gazing in the fridge, Nan.

-It is, innit?

-Midnight snack.

That's all it is for you, innit, a snack?

So...round of applause for Nan. APPLAUSE

So, what's...what's going to happen is outside

the competitors are... Out...

Nan, are you all right? Nan?

What? Yeah, no, I...

Yeah, no, I'm checking it's safe.

A few last-minute touches.

You've got to go outside, you've got to grab the bags from the car,

-and your...

-(Don't need nothing, do it?)

Don't need nothing, do it?

Oh, look...

All right? Oh, hello, what?

-Nan, are you OK?

-I'm rearranging it.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Nan!

Good luck, darlings! Good luck.

So, competitors, let's have a look at your empty fridges.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

We'll show you the cars.

Along here...

RYTHMIC CLAPPING

So...

Here we are. I've got my popper to start the game.

What you have to remember is the fridge must close.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

We're all ready? Let's...play the game!

MUSIC: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday by Wizzard

In first place is Hayley!

Hayley's taken an early lead.

Hayley is flying!

Hayley is flying for the circle.

Up goes Louis in third place.

Come on, Noreen, hurry up!

Right, fill your fridges.

Hayley's all over this.

So much to go in!

He's down!

Is there too much?!

Hayley's eating the food!

It looks Louis has got... Look at that turkey on its end!

HE SCREAMS

Oh! Louis is...!

He's got to shut it! It's got to stay shut!

SHOUTING

Stop, stop, stop!

Come on, shut!

INDISTINCT SPEECH

Yes!

CHEERING

CHANTING

It's Hayley in the grand circle!

Thanks, guys.

Off you go. Amazing. Merry Christmas!

Right, earlier tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

21 nurses thought they were here to audition for a Christmas concert,

that is until we surprised them with the news that they were to

become our unexpected Christmas stars of tonight's show.

Now, let's have a little look at how the last hour has unfolded for them.

We thought we were coming for an audition.

We were hoping we were going to get the job!

-LAUGHTER

-And we got it!

We were put in a lift and then the doors opened,

and all you saw was a sea of faces.

It was just like a dream.

Never in a million years did any of us think that

this was going to happen.

CHATTER

Hi, ladies. Come on in.

I think they do such an important job.

They're the people that we can't do without when we need them,

so actually to see them onstage and celebrate them is fantastic.

THEY SING

LAUGHTER

It's the first time I've sat down for a while.

THEY SING

It is nice to be pampered.

An unusual experience.

There are two things that we are all passionate about

and that's loving people and caring about them,

and music, and we're getting to do it on a stage like this

and at Christmas time. What else could you ask for?

Please welcome the Forth Valley Nurses Choir!

CHEERING

# I'm dreaming

# Of a white Christmas

# Just like the ones I used to know

# May your days be merry

# And bright

# And may all your Christmases

# Be white

# I'm dreaming

# Of a white Christmas

# Just like the ones I used to know

# May the tree tops glisten

# And children listen

# To hear sleigh bells

# In the snow

# I'm dreaming

# Of a white Christmas

# With every Christmas card

# I write

# May your days be merry

# And bright

# And may all your Christmases

# Be white. #

CHEERING

Girls! Girls!

HE SHOUTS EXCITEDLY

Yes!

Ladies and gentlemen, the stars of tonight's show,

the Forth Valley Choir!

Whoo!

Merry Christmas!