Episode 5 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show,

Jamie Oliver plays Celebrity Send To All,

comedy from the hilarious Jack Whitehall,

music from megastar Sting, and from newcomer David Brent.

And who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the Show?

All this and so much more.

'Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show.

'Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEME TUNE FROM "STRICTLY COME DANCING"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bravo!

Yes, hello, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to my Big Show.

Yay!

It's on.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, there will be big stars,

big laughs and big surprises.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And thank you all for being here, because I know you want to be here.

I know you THINK you want to be here, but you don't really want to

be here, I don't think, because you're British.

British people would always rather be at home.

It doesn't matter where you are. Home is always better.

A good night for a British person is judged on how quickly they

managed to get home at the end of it.

"How was last night?" "It was amazing.

"We were home by 9.30."

People are so thrilled.

Even tonight you'll judge it...

You will get through the door and you'll check the watch. "What time is it?"

Anything before the hour will feel like a small victory.

Even if it's ten to one. "It's ten to one in the morning.

"Ooh! We've got ten minutes to do what we want. It's ten to one! Woohoo!"

APPLAUSE

What else is new? I want to have a little chat with you.

It's been on my mind and I feel that we should discuss certain

things that confuse me about chat, about the word "Chat." OK?

So there's chat and there's chit-chat.

What is the difference between chat and chit-chat?

Because people say, "Do you want a chat?" And you go, "Yeah, let's have a chat".

Or, "We had a chat earlier." "Shall we have a...?" "Thanks for the chat."

Or they go, "We had a chit-chat. We had some chit-chat."

What is the difference between a chat and a chit-chat?

Well, I can tell you. Obviously, it's chit.

LAUGHTER

But what is chit? What is chit?

How do you add the chit to the chat for it to become chit-chat?

Because people never have a chit is the point I'm making.

You never say to someone, "Have you got time for a chat?"

"No, but I could probably have a little chit."

LAUGHTER

"Let's have a chit. Because I don't think I could do a chat.

"Certainly not a chit-chat." What is a chit-chat?

Why are there these words that need another word to become one word?

Like nitty-gritty. What is nitty and what is gritty?

You get to the nitty-gritty.

Can you get to the nitty and not get to the gritty?

"I got to the gritty. I saw no nitty. Where was the nitty?

"I only saw gritty.

"We should chit about the nitty if we have time because I never saw

"the gritty."

Hurly-burly. What is hurly, what is burly?

Wishy-washy.

Fuddy-duddy.

Argy-bargy.

Itsy-bitsy.

Hodgepodge.

What is going on?

My favourite is hanky-panky. It is hanky-panky.

Because hanky-panky is something - I can only speak for men -

that all men can aspire to on a daily basis.

On a daily basis we hope that hanky-panky will happen.

But often we must make do

with hanky.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, ladies and gentlemen, who wants to play Celebrity Send To All?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So let's find out who is in our Send To All box this week.

Why, it's the world's best chef.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's Jamie Oliver, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, Jamie.

Jamie, you're a true legend. I can't thank you enough for being here.

-Thank you.

-How are you?

-I'm really well. It's lovely to see you guys.

-It's brilliant. Great show.

-Are you enjoying the show?

Yeah, I'm doing the catering later. Are you ready for it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What have you been up to, Jamie?

I've been working hard. It's Christmas.

Come on, it's my busiest time of year.

-You've got a new book coming out.

-Yes, I have.

It's got the last 17 and a half years of Christmases.

Obviously you cook, you take on the burden of cooking.

Yeah, I cook for everyone at Christmas.

I delegate a few bits and pieces.

Is it just a family affair or can I come?

-Yeah, but the family is getting bigger.

-Yes.

-It's getting bigger...

You are sensationally fertile individual.

LAUGHTER

If you eat healthily you'll have a child every week.

This is the problem. I'll stick to the Turkey Twizzlers and struggle to conceive.

LAUGHTER

Amazingly fertile man.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's so fertile!

Be careful, ladies, don't go near that man.

Amazing, but listen, I can't thank you enough for being here and

-playing this game...

-Thank you.

-..which is a lot of fun.

How are you feeling about the prospect?

-Er... Awful.

-Why?

-Genuinely...I'm so scared...

-OK.

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, you're in absolutely safe hands.

My wife doesn't even have the code to this.

-I've taken it off just for this.

-Thank you very much.

-Shall I...?

Ladies and gentlemen, he's taken his code off for us tonight.

It's the fantastic Jamie Oliver playing Send To All.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right.

Hello. Stay back from Jamie, you could all get pregnant.

Be careful, girls, be careful. All right.

Here we go. Here comes the phone.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

-MUSIC: "Food Glorious Food"

Yeah! I'm now in possession, ladies and gentlemen,

of Jamie Oliver's mobile telephone.

APPLAUSE

Oh, Jamie.

Let's plug it in and then it'll come up. All right. So...

Yes, there it is, there it is. We're up and running.

Baby number three.

LAUGHTER

-All right. Can I look at your photos, is that all right?

-If you want to.

The Olivers. Absolutely, totally adorable.

Oh, Jamie!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

So cute.

Not as cute.

-Pancakes on the go in the Oliver household.

-Yeah. Birthday boy.

-Amazing. Whoa! OK.

That's your wife Jools going into childbirth?

Yeah, I'm not sure she'd appreciate that one.

LAUGHTER

That's when she's in contractions.

"Make sure you put this on Saturday night TV. Promise me one thing.

"You make sure you take that photo. Take the photo... Argh!

"Argh! Argh!

"Take the... Take it of me now. Now.

"Send it to Michael McIntyre, at the BBC.

"Argh! Prime time!"

LAUGHTER

She seems very relaxed about the whole situation.

OK, let's get stuck into tonight's text. OK?

Absolutely beautiful.

-So, messages.

-Oh, God.

-We're going to do something a little bit different tonight. OK?

-We're actually going to send two texts.

-Ouch.

The first text is as follows.

"Jools, babe...

"kids all fed but I'm starving."

LAUGHTER

"Can you pick me up...

"12 nuggets..."

LAUGHTER

"..a cheeseburger...

"..a choc milkshake...

-"and that..."

-Oh, God.

"flurry thing..."

LAUGHTER "..I love?"

LAUGHTER

"XX." Right, we're going to send this text.

"Jools, babe, kids all fed and I'm starving.

"Can you pick me up 12 nuggets, a cheeseburger,

"a choc milkshake and that flurry thing I love?"

-Now, that text is going to be sent to everybody in Jamie's phone.

-Oh, no!

And then I'm going to send another text.

-So that text is now being sent.

-Oh, no!

Now we're going to follow it up quickly with this one. "Oops! Sorry!"

You've sent it already.

"That text wasn't meant for you!

"I need you to PROMISE..." -

in capitals - "..me...

"that you won't...

"tell anybody about it."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Let me know! I'm panicking! Jamie."

So we're going with the accidental sent one to everybody and

then following it up with a personal, "Oops! Sorry! That text wasn't meant

"for you! I need you to PROMISE me that you won't tell anybody about it.

"Let me know! I'm panicking! Jamie."

Could be career curtains?

LAUGHTER

So we're now going to send the follow-up text.

Are we happy with the follow-up?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

That's gone.

APPLAUSE

Let's see how that plays out. Jamie, it's not so bad.

There's 20 years' worth of relationships on that phone

and I'm a little bit worried about a few of them.

I think you're an incredible sport for being here and allowing us to do this.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic Jamie Oliver. What a great sport! What a man!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Quite frankly, I don't think I've ever been more excited to

welcome anybody onto my show.

I'm such a huge fan of this man since I was a kid.

I mean, seriously, he's an absolute legend.

What more do I need to say than please welcome Sting!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Message In A Bottle by Sting

# Just a castaway An island lost at sea-oh

# Another lonely day With no-one here but me-oh

# More loneliness than any man could bear

# Rescue me before I fall into despair

# I'll send an SOS to the world

-AUDIENCE:

-# I'll send an SOS to the world

# I hope that someone gets my

# I hope that someone gets my

# I hope that someone gets my

# Message in a bottle Ooh

# A message in a bottle, yeah

# Walked out this morning I don't believe what I saw

# A hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore

# Seems I'm not alone in being alone

# A hundred billion castaways looking for a home

# I'll send an SOS to the world

# I'll send an SOS to the world

# I hope that someone gets my

# I hope that someone gets my

# I hope that someone gets my

# Message in a bottle, yeah

# Message in a bottle

# I'm sending out an SOS

# I'm sending out an SOS

# I'm sending out an SOS

-AUDIENCE:

-# I'm sending out an SOS

-# Sending out

-# Sending out an SOS

# I'm sending out an SOS

# I'm sending out an SOS

# I'm sending out an SOS

# Sending out an SOS

# Sending out an SOS

# I'm sending out an SOS

# I'm sending out an SOS

# He-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, what about that? Sting.

Message in a Bottle. Amazing.

Just before you go, I just wanted to tell you,

which I probable shouldn't, about when I was a little boy in my bedroom.

LAUGHTER

-I used to try and impersonate one of your songs.

-Mm-hmm.

It would be a dream if we could just go through this little section.

OK? So it's this bit.

It's from So Lonely.

It goes...

HIGH PITCHED: # I feel so lonely. #

Can I try? Any key.

I don't know anything about keys. Sorry.

LAUGHTER

I'm not a musician. Whatever key you want.

# You look as if you're going somewhere

-BOTH:

-# So lonely So lonely

# So lonely So lonely

# I feel low I feel low

# I feel so low I feel low, low, low

# I feel low, low, low I feel low, low, low. #

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, thank you so much for that,

an absolute legend!

It's Sting. Thank you. Really, really appreciate it.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out who is going

to be our Unexpected Star Of The Show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes.

So this is tonight's Unexpected Star. There he is.

His name is John Prescott, which is a little bit awkward.

LAUGHTER

He's 25 years old.

He's from Somerset and he works for the council. There he is.

John Prescott. Johnny. Now, John is a keen runner.

In fact earlier this very morning, he ran half a marathon for charity

and now he's come to London for what he thinks is

a photo shoot and an interview about his running,

but of course that is all lies, just so we can have some fun.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He is really here because he loves to sing, and tonight if everything

goes to plan, he will become our Unexpected Star Of The Show.

He has been nominated by his dad, Jeff, and his fiancee, Jess,

who are both here, I believe, in the stalls.

So I'm going to come and have a chat with them. Where is Jeff? Jeff and Jess. Jeff and Jess.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Jeff and Jess. There they are. Big night for him, big night.

APPLAUSE

So, tell me about your future husband.

-He does a lot for charity, and he loves singing.

-Yes, he's a nice man. He loves singing.

He's been singing a lot for charity as well?

-Yeah, as much as he can.

-What's the biggest gig he's played?

What kind of gigs are they? I'm worried we've got the wrong person.

He's not in Vegas, is he?

LAUGHTER

-300...

-Very local.

-300 people.

-OK. So local gigs?

-Yeah, local gigs.

-Yes.

-So would this be a dream come true for him?

-Very much so.

And Dad, how do you think he's going to react to tonight's surprise?

-He will be absolutely gobsmacked, to be honest with you.

-Yeah.

So, ladies and gentlemen,

big hand for Jeff and Jess, John's dad and fiancee.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll see you later on. Thank you so much. Thank you for nominating John.

So, John is coming to our fake shop at the back of the theatre,

and this is what it looked like earlier in the day, and tonight

we've transformed it into a photography studio,

so that is called Ted Star. See what we've done there?

So, Ted Star is a fake photographer,

and I think we can now go live next door.

So, that is the current state of play.

And that's John in the fluorescent! There he is.

LAUGHTER

-John isn't fully dressed!

-Isn't this bonkers enough?

-I know.

LAUGHTER Oh!

Whoa! That is such a dangerous...shot.

So we've zoomed in to save his modesty. OK, so that is John.

He's been running... Don't!

LAUGHTER

OK, so let's pull back, let's look at the rest of the room,

and let's see what's going on here.

So that is, that's Ted Star, can we get a shot of Ted,

our fake photographer? OK, that's Ted.

So you'll notice he's wearing his sort of groovy polo neck,

and that beanie hat is covering an earpiece,

and I can actually communicate with him.

So, Ted, if you can hear me,

-just point at that lady and go, "Looking good!"

-Great.

Yeah, looking good.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. Now, Ted's assistant there with the clipboard is Gemma.

Er, Gemma, if you can hear me,

can you pick your nose and just flick it?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All-powerful.

Just go...

Gemma, would you just go and let's have a quick chat with John, then,

and see how he's getting on, and have a chat with him.

Dangerous.

-OK, so you're, um, you're up next.

-Fine.

-So I think they're just...

-Can I just ask you...?

-Um, can I just ask you...?

-Are you a politician?

-Are you a politician?

LAUGHTER

Are you, are you joking? Are you...? You're not joking, are you?

It's just that your name rings a bell.

It's just your name rings a bell.

There was one called John Prescott.

-He punched a guy who threw an egg at him.

-Right.

-Yeah.

-And that wasn't you?

-No, he's like 60, 70...

LAUGHTER

-So, are you a runner? Are you a runner?

-And you're a runner?

-Yeah.

-No, right.

-When was the last time you ran?

Yeah, yeah, I'm not a politician, no.

-So, when was the last time you ran?

-This morning.

-This morning?

-This morning?

-Yeah.

-That's...

-What did you run?

-What did you run?

-Bristol half marathon.

-Bristol half marathon?

-Yeah...

-Why didn't you run the whole marathon?

So why...?

Why did you do that? Why didn't you run the whole marathon?

-LAUGHTER

-Cos it's just the Bristol Half Marathon.

LAUGHTER

Did you not...?

I mean, like... What I mean is, were all the other runners

-running the whole thing and then you joined...?

-LAUGHTER

No, it's... The event's called the Bristol Half Marathon...

OK, we should go over now. Let's go over now.

Let's go over, let's go over now, actually. OK. Um...

OK, Ted, if you could introduce yourself to John.

How are you, all right?

-This is my camera, introduce your camera.

-This is my camera.

-Ask him to say hello to the camera.

-Say hello to the camera.

Hello, camera.

LAUGHTER

So just tell him to relax, and just keep shooting and give him some instructions.

Maybe warm up, like pre-race, pre-race warm up.

As if you're like pre-race, like, warm up as you would pre-race.

Yeah, yeah.

CAMERA CLICKS AND LAUGHTER

-Beautiful.

-Yeah.

That's great. Other side.

-Can I just ask you to jog on the spot?

-OK, jog on the spot for me.

Jog on the spot. Imagine it's the Olympic Games.

-Imagine it's the Olympic Games for me.

-OK.

-And you're winning.

-And you're winning.

Great, lovely. Yeah, yeah. That's lovely.

Imagine you've just been overtaken by a Kenyan.

-Now...

-LAUGHTER

Imagine you've just been overtaken by a Kenyan.

CAMERA CLICKS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now imagine it's the Commonwealth Games.

Now imagine it's the Commonwealth Games.

LAUGHTER

And now switch to the World Championships.

And now switch to the World Championships.

LAUGHTER

-Right, lovely, it's really good.

-OK, brilliant.

-Now, Mo Farah has the Mobot, what are your initials?

-So...

No, no, that's perfect. Lovely. Um...

-So, you know like Mo Farah has the Mobot?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, so what are your initials?

-JP.

JP, try and do a J with your body.

Try and do a J with your body for me.

LAUGHTER

-Just try it. Do a J.

-Do a J for me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, no, that's right. That's exactly the kind of thing I want.

OK...

CAMERA CLICKS AND LAUGHTER

-Lovely.

-OK, now I want to do is a shot that I've done before.

-Now...

-It's a forest run.

-So, we're going to do a shot, I've done this before...

-It's a forest run.

It involves the wind machine, and I need my assistant, Gemma.

-Gemma, you're going to help me with this, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-I need you running on the spot.

-I need you running on the spot for me,

running on the spot for me, on your autumn run. And...one, two, three, autumn.

-LAUGHTER

-Autumn. Yes, autumn.

-That is lovely, that is really good.

-It's going really well.

-This is going really well.

-These shots are great.

The shots are great, mate. Honestly.

-OK, last shot that I think I need...

-OK...

You know when you have a drink in the race, when you take a drink?

This last shot, we're going to use is...

So you know when you're running,

and you grab a drink off the side...?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-So, jog, start jogging.

-So start jogging for me.

-OK, that's lovely.

-Gemma, pass the glass in.

-And the glass in.

And take a little sip. Take a little sip, that's it, slowly.

-Keep jogging...

-Keep jogging.

-Keep jogging and just hold that, look at it.

-OK.

-Now throw it in your face.

-Now throw it in your face.

-Just throw it in your face.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes!

-Yes, lovely.

-APPLAUSE

That was brilliant. That looks great, that was a great shot.

That looks really good on camera. Keep jogging, keep jogging,

-it looks really good on camera.

-Keep jogging, that's it.

-That's really good.

-That's really good, mate.

-All right.

What a great sport John is. Unbelievable.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

MICHAEL LAUGHS

So, this is the corridor.

Erm, I'm going to show you,

so this is where he's going to be brought up

for his interview, Meeting Room Three. And I'll show you inside.

There's a camera picking me up here. You can all see me, yes?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

OK, so he's going to be taken down here, and he will have

no idea what's going on, and he'll go to Meeting Room Three.

Right, so there he is, it's happening.

Oh, my God, he's still going to be in those tiny shorts.

OK, let's bring him up.

Here we go.

All right, it's on. OK.

INDISTINCT VOICES

-How are you, man, are you all right?

-I'm good, mate. You?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Thank you. OK.

-Everybody, ssh!

-Thanks for coming down today...

-Here it goes.

Our offices are down here.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Da-da-da...

So it's just in there. It's the meeting room.

Just pop your head in. He'll see it when you go in.

-All right, mate.

-I'll come and grab you in a bit when it's finished.

-OK, see you in a bit. Good luck.

-Cheers, mate.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoa!

Ladies and gentlemen...

..it's our Unexpected Star of the Show -

John Prescott!

John...

Welcome, welcome!

I know!

I had no idea you were going to be wearing those shorts either.

I'm so sorry.

Please, preserve your modesty as I reveal to you,

you are...

You are in front of 2,000 people here.

John, over there you can see your dad, Jeff, your fiancee, Jess.

-They're all in on this surprise.

-This is mental!

You were doing a little photography session next door.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no!

Let's go and have a look. Everybody, look up there.

There they all are.

Those people...

APPLAUSE

Ted is not a photographer.

Gemma is not his assistant. None of those people are real.

They're all actors here to have a little bit of fun tonight,

and to give you a special surprise,

because we understand you have a little bit of a hobby

-that you enjoy...

-Oh, no!

..that might take place on stage.

-I've been told to stop doing that, actually.

-Oh, OK.

Let's delay that decision. LAUGHTER

What is it you like to do, John?

-What would I like to do?!

-What is it...

No, what is it that you like to do in your spare time?

I'm not chatting you up!

What do you enjoy doing... for hobbies?!

-I like to sing.

-Ah...

Well... APPLAUSE

Well...

This is the reason you've been nominated

by your father and your fiancee,

because they wanted to give you this opportunity

to perform on this West End stage

for 2,500 incredibly supportive people that you have here tonight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't worry, we've got wardrobe,

we've got a whole production for you.

All... You don't have to wear that, don't worry at all.

All I need to ask you, John, is if you'll agree

to be our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

-Of course, yeah. Let's do it!

-Come on!

Come on, Johnny! Amazing - thank you so, so much.

OK, off you go this way.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Prescott, our Unexpected Star of the Show!

Yeah!

HE LAUGHS

He is so fun!

OK, I think he took it really well.

Can I just ask, actually, because it is a bit of a shock,

if I can ask if Dad... Jeff, could you just go...?

You're going to be taken round, and you're just going to be with him a bit,

because then he's going to go into rehearsals and stuff.

Get rid of them shorts for a start!

He's a bit nervous. But he's going to go and look after him.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, Jeff, John's father, has gone backstage

to be with John.

Now, let's actually bring John back on THIS stage.

John, can I ask you to come back?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back John.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John, I'm here to reveal a little bit of a twist.

While we were researching you with your father and your fiancee,

-we found out that your dad likes to sing too, doesn't he?

-Yeah, yeah.

OK, well, we have a little bit of a surprise for him,

and he's just been working with us to surprise you,

and he's been very excited about that.

He's been taken away, and he thinks he's going to visit you

in the rehearsal room.

But what's actually going to happen, John,

is we're going to quickly change the door sign...

LAUGHTER

..and he's going to walk out and be another Unexpected Star of the Show!

APPLAUSE

All right. We've got to check the crew...

Get the team in to change everything in this corridor.

Get rid of all the running signs.

Here comes the carpet.

Drills are out, chaps, the drills!

This is fantastic.

All this will be on in the daytime in a DIY programme.

John, are you feeling all right? I know it's a lot to take in.

I tell you who's not feeling OK, that's the rest of his family.

They're thinking, "I'm not going up there."

OK, now, this is the fun bit.

So this, of course, was meeting room three...

LAUGHTER

..and now it is the Unexpected Star rehearsal room.

All right, so we've got all the crew in there,

and they're pretending to be busy.

They're just going to loiter there

as if this is deep within the theatre, OK?

So what I'm going to ask you to do...

HE LAUGHS

..is to do exactly the same. We're well versed in this now. Be completely quiet.

You're now part of this show!

And, of course, when Jeff comes out,

I mean, literally, go nuts again. Oh, my God!

We're just going to do this until everyone in the theatre...

There'll just be one person at the back, "Am I next? OK..."

OK, send him through, send him through. Shh, here we go.

So, basically our camera crew...

-Basically, we'll point you in the right direction.

-OK.

It's just down here.

-If you just go through this door.

-Right, OK.

-He'll be on the other side for you.

-OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What?!

What?!

What's happening here?!

It's Dad!

It's Dad!

It's Dad,

our Unexpected Unexpected Star of the Show!

Whoa, Dad!

-Now, Dad...

-Yes?!

-..you know exactly why we're here tonight.

-I certainly do.

-Why are we here tonight?

-To hear John sing.

-To hear John sing.

-That's right.

I'm afraid John's not going to be singing on his own tonight, Dad.

-Oh, no?!

-It's time for a duet with your son John!

How do you feel about that?

Absolutely magnificent.

You're going to be our Unexpected Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

You are going to be duetting with your son over here.

-How do you feel about that, John?

-I can't wait, I can't wait.

-OK. We have a whole production lined up for you...

-Right.

..and you're going to go backstage. Of course, it is a duet,

and you're going to come out at the end of the show.

You've got till the end of the show to get ready.

How does it make you feel, this prospect?

-A bit daunting, but why not?

-Let's do it!

-Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for our Unexpected Stars

of tonight's show. It's John and Jeff!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yay! All right, off you go, guys.

I promise you, that's the last surprise.

I'll see you later!

All right, they'll be back at the end of the show for

a real show-stopping moment.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the always magnificent...

Jack Whitehall's here!

Hello!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Are we well?!

How wonderful to be here!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to tell you something

very exciting that happened to me the other day.

I'm on a plane...

On a plane and I look in front of me and the gentleman sat in front of me

is watching me on the in-flight entertainment system.

I was like, "I have made it. He's watching me at 30,000 feet.

"How cool is that?

"Better keep a low profile in case he comes over and asks for a selfie."

Five minutes later, I watched him turn me off,

-and put on the in-flight map.

-LAUGHTER

How bad a review is that?

Here's a little bit of fun you can have in an airport.

A little prank you can play, all right?

Go to a fancy dress costume shop, hire yourself a pilot's outfit.

Get a real realistic pilot's outfit, sir,

then head down to your local airport,

sit in the bar, and get completely wasted.

LAUGHTER

Just watch people around you losing their minds.

-SLURRED SPEECH:

-"Hey, where are you going?

"Ooh, that's my one!

"Don't worry, I know a short cut."

I get very scared on the plane, and they don't help us, do they?

Like, the safety demonstration, can we drop that already?

Why do we have to start every flight with their pantomime, entitled,

"The Horrific Ways You Could Die On This Flight"?

At least update it. Do you know what I mean?

I get the life jacket, the oxygen mask, but can I speak for us all

when I say, we have got the seatbelt fastening down.

Don't show us any of it.

We know, in 2016, that if something goes wrong with the plane,

we're dead, right?

Stop showing the emergency exits and the brace position.

In 2016, the safety demonstration on a plane

should be the air stewardess stood at the front,

showing us how we can use one hand to preserve our dental records

as we use another one to take out our phone

and furiously delete our internet history.

You do stuff on planes because there's a routine -

no-one questions it.

I'm the guy that questions it.

I was on a plane the other day.

I did something that I've done 100 times on a plane before -

lifting up the blind for takeoff and landing,

and for the first time ever, I decided that I would ask

why I had to do that.

It was a question that I regretted asking.

Cos I fact-checked this.

This is the genuine reason on the Civil Aviation website.

I asked the stewardess, "Why do I have to lift up the blind

"for takeoff or landing? She looked at me and went,

"Well, sir, if something were to go wrong with the engine,

"you are the pilot's eyes."

LAUGHTER

I beg your pardon?!

I'm not ready for that responsibility!

And no-one told me this when I purchased the ticket!

I was very much under the impression that I was travelling in the

capacity of passenger, not co-pilot!

Have I given off any kind of vibe that I'd be your guy

in that situation? Let's look at the evidence here -

one, I'm slightly drunk,

two, I've taken a sleeping pill,

and three, I just cried whilst watching Inside Out.

I'm not your guy.

What happens if I DO see something wrong with the engine?

Steam billowing out of it as we're nose-diving towards the ground.

How does that scenario pan out in your mind?

I'm meant to just amble up to the cockpit, am I?

Pop my head through the door, "Awfully sorry, gents,

"your eyes in the back here.

"I don't know whether you're aware of this,

"but one of the wings has fallen off.

"You might want to buckle up -

"I'll send someone through to show you how it's done."

APPLAUSE

Unfortunately, it's not just the plane, as well, where we experience

this slapdash attitude towards safety.

I was on a train the other day, and the train was on fire.

I was sat in my seat, and I looked over into the vestibule area,

and I saw some youths, and these youths had ripped out

the backs of some of the seats,

and they were putting them into a pile and setting light to it.

So I saw this, and I thought,

"I need to do something about that before it spreads to first class."

Wafting it back with my complimentary copy of The Times.

So I ran down the train, I found the ticket inspector.

I ran up to him. I was like, "Mate, the train is on fire!"

Anywhere else in the world, you say that to the ticket inspector -

the correct response is, "Stand back, we need to put that out."

Not in Britain.

I ran up to this guy. I was like, "Mate, the train is on fire!"

He went, "All right.

"There's no need to raise your voice!"

LAUGHTER

There is every need to raise my voice.

This is the exact scenario that raising your voice was designed for.

Put down that ticket machine, we have got a fire to fight!

All the other passengers are looking at me now thinking,

"Who is this guy? Is it a bird, is it a plane?"

No, they call me the train driver's eyes. Now, move!

I literally couldn't get his attention.

He couldn't care less.

I was like, "What am I going to do?" I thought quick.

What I told him caused him to turn from the fat controller

into the Dark Knight like that.

I was like, "Mate, one of the people setting fire to the train

"was travelling on an outdated Young Person's Railcard."

"Where is he?!"

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute delight.

Thank you very much. Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jack Whitehall, ladies and gentlemen!

I really enjoyed that - it was awesome.

What about that?!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come.

It is time to find out what replies Jamie has received

from the texts I sent earlier into his phone.

Let's just remind ourselves of the texts that were sent.

The first text was:

So that was sent off.

I think people started responding to that one before I even sent

this one, the second text:

So, ladies and gentlemen, it's Jamie Oliver

playing Send To All!

So, we'll just go through 'em, Jamie, and see what happens.

Let's start off with, "Have you lost your mind?" from Kim.

Oh, my God! That's my American PR.

Your American PR.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Have you lost your mind?

That is so funny.

Americans, they're very serious... "Have you lost your mind?"

She's on the phone now to the whole of Hollywood -

"Jamie Oliver's lost his mind.

"He wants me to get him a McDonald's from LA. I don't understand."

Who's Rozzie Batch?

Ha!

OK, so she's one of my senior nutritionists that works for us.

Er...

OK.

She's gone, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Amazing."

Then she sent a photo.

"This was me and Lizzie on the McDonald's CCTV in Clapham

"at 3am this morning."

Can you see that?

And she's put the emoji of the zip shut.

OK, Dermot O'Leary. Just two words - "Watertight, brother."

Orlando Bloom.

Hollywood is calling.

"Hahaha, can she pick me up one of those flurry things too?

From Orlando.

-He's probably naked.

-I think she probably would for him.

-"Flemyng iPhone"?

-Jason Flemyng, the actor.

"Love you, chum, I'll get you a Flurry any time."

See, it's all man love.

"I realise you actually wanted a McFlurry.

"I'm on my way to yours now. Stay up."

Hurry up! I'm texting him back, "Hurry up."

LAUGHTER

He's en route!

-Did Jools get it?

-Yeah.

-What did she say?

All right, I can find Jools down here.

Oh, my goodness, does she not know what you're doing?

"Thought you were on a diet."

Oh, there's more, it's gold.

"I have that beef stew thing in the fridge,

"can put that on with some rice but don't be later than 10:00

"cos I really want to go to sleep.

"I love you."

She was actually going to go and get this food!

And then she sent another text going, "Why are you panicking? Xxx"

And then she sent another text that says, "What's the fluffy thing?"

And a heart! You've got such a sweet relationship!

I've actually gone really red.

She was going to go and get all that stuff for you. "Jools, babe."

"I thought you were on a diet"!

-That's hilarious.

-So sweet.

-Alfie Deyes.

-Yeah, blogger, vlogger.

-WHOOPING

Alfie Deyes, people know about Alfie Deyes.

"On my way to deliver it to you. Wait, only 12 nuggets?

"Last time you smashed 24."

CHEERING

"Smashed"!

I'm going again. "36 and hurry up."

-I've got the munchies.

-So many people are coming round.

There's going to be so many nuggets in your house!

And poor Jools is sitting there with the stew going,

"I don't know what's happened to him.

"I don't know what's going on - I thought the stew would be enough.

"I've now got 192 nuggets and people we haven't spoken to in years."

Babyface - who's Babyface?

Dexter Fletcher, the actor. What did he say?

-GRUFFLY:

-"What's going on, J?"

He's gone, "Ah, got you! I knew it."

"Fine, I'll keep your secret but you have to promise to come over

"in the week and cook my nan a curry."

MICHAEL LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Oh, it's the funniest text.

From John Taxi. John Taxi?

Yeah, he just lives in the village.

-Back home in London?

-In Essex, yeah.

-He's from Essex?

If he knows, everyone knows, OK?

So John Taxi has said,

"I've screenshot it - it's on Twitter, mate.

"You just made me a millionaire."

What an absolutely wonderful Send To All.

Ladies and gentlemen, please,

all your love for the amazing Jamie Oliver!

CHEERING

What a fantastic sport.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

it is time for a very special music performance.

Here performing a track from his debut album Life On The Road,

it's David Brent and Foregone Conclusion.

CHEERING

Yeah!

Big-time.

Fashion, innit?

This song is about the best town in the world. Yeah, Slough, yeah.

And everything in this song is factually accurate,

so you might learn summat.

Listen. Yeah? Hit it.

INTRO ON STRINGS PLAYS

# More convenient than a Tesco Express

# Close to Windsor but the property's less

# It keeps the businesses of Britain great

# It's got Europe's biggest trading estate

# It doesn't matter where you're from

# You want to work, then come along

# The station's just got a new floor

# And the motorway runs by your door

# And you know just where you're heading

# It's equidistant 'tween London and Reading

# Whoa, Slough

# Slough

# My kind of town

# I don't know how

# Anyone could put you down

# Whoa, Slough

# Slough

# My kind of town

# I don't know how

# Anyone could put you down

# To the west you've got Taplow and Bray

# You've got Hillingdon the other way

# It's a brilliant place to live and work

# It was in Bucks now officially it's Berks

# Don't believe what the critics say

# Like it's soulless and boring and grey

# See for yourself - what you waiting for?

# We're on the Bath Road - that's the A4

# And you know just where you're heading

# It's equidistant 'tween London and Reading

# Whoa, Slough

# Slough

# My kind of town

# I don't know how

# Anyone could put you down

# Whoa, Slough

# Slough

# My kind of town

# I don't know how

# Anyone could put you down

# Whoa, Slough

# Slough

# My kind of town

# I don't know how

# Anyone could put you down

# Slough

# Slough

# Slough

# Whoa, Slough. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, David Brent and his band, Foregone Conclusion.

Unbelievable performance. What about that?

CHEERING

# Whoa, Slough... #

It's one of the catchiest songs in the world. OK.

Ladies and gentlemen,

earlier tonight we surprised John, who arrived for a photo shoot

at our fake photography studio next door to the theatre.

Then we surprised his dad, who thought he was just here to support

his son, but we had different ideas.

Let's see how their night has unfolded.

I had the most bonkers photo shoot. I had leaves thrown at me.

I had to chuck water in my face. I thought it was a dream.

I actually thought it was a dream.

I walked out and I thought I'd walked into a dream.

CHEERING

I was taken out supposedly to go and support John in his stage

performance and I end up on the stage myself.

Which is unreal.

And they're now going to take us off and do some choreography and sort

out the song.

-Probably change...

-Those shorts...

-As lovely as these are.

Well, it's double trouble today, we've got father and son.

I know all the words, but not necessarily in the right order.

-It's going to be fantastic.

-You don't often get to sing with your dad.

To sing on a professional stage with professional people is

everybody's ambition.

Jeff, you're looking gorgeous.

It's not very often you live your dream, is it?

-And we're doing it tonight.

-One of the luckiest guys alive right now!

If I'm singing and I'm singing at the wrong point, then you just

-sing over anyway, and that's fine.

-Yeah.

-And then we'll work it out together.

-We always do.

-We always do.

-Yeah. And I'm so proud of you.

-I'm so proud of you!

-It'll be great.

-It'll be fantastic.

-We'll nail it.

-We will.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the performance of

our Unexpected Stars of the Show!

CHEERING

Please give all your love to father and son -

it's John and Jeff Prescott.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Come Fly With Me"

# Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away... #

CHEERING

# If you can use some exotic booze

# There's a bar in far Bombay

# Come fly with me We'll fly, we'll fly away

# Come fly with me Let's float down to Peru... #

CHEERING

# In llama land there's a one-man band

# And he'll toot his flute for you

# Come fly with me Let's float down to the blue

# Once I get you up there

# Where the air is rarefied

# You will glide

# Starry-eyed

# Once I get you up there

BOTH: # I'll be holding you so near

# You may hear

# The angels cheer because we're together

# Weather-wise it's such a lovely day

# You just say the words and we'll beat the birds

# Down to Acapulco Bay

# It is perfect for a flying honeymoon, they say

# Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly

# Pack up, let's fly away. #

And don't tell your mama!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's our Unexpected Stars of tonight's show, John and Jeff!

# Pack up, let's fly away. #

Guys, what... What has the last hour been like for you?

This is...

-It's amazing.

-This is the most special day of my entire life.

-Honestly.

-APPLAUSE

Lovely. Dad?

Yes, it's also the best day of my life, though...

when he turned up, that was very special as well.

And his twin sister, Natalie, who's down there.

No, you're right, you've got to get that out. Absolutely.

Listen, John and Jeff, you've been absolutely fantastic,

we've had so much fun having you here.

I am so glad that you've had such a wonderful time.

One more time, please, for our Unexpected Stars of tonight's show.

It's John and Jeff Prescott!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've still got time for one more treat!

Here, playing us out, it's the real Sting!

CHEERING

-MUSIC:

-"I Can't Stop Thinking About You" by Sting

# White page An empty field of snow

# My room is 25 below

# This cold man chasing ghosts

# A road lies underneath the buried posts

# Dogs search the under forest

# We scour the empty streets

# The fact remains until we find you

# Our lives are incomplete

# Do I hear laughter through a veil of snow and ice?

# Where could you be on such a lonely winter's night?

# I can't stop thinking about you

# I can't stop wanting you this way

# I can't face living without you

# That's why I'm searching night and day

# This heart's a lonely hunter

# These hands are frozen fists

# I can't stop thinking about you

# I don't care if you exist

# Do I hear laughter from behind this veil of midnight?

# What are you hiding in the frozen heart of winter?

# Somewhere a church bell tolls

# I know you're close your scent's still warm

# Then the trail turns cold, cold, cold

# I can't stop thinking about you

# I can't stop wanting you this way

# I can't face living without you

# That's why I'm searching night and day

# This heart's a lonely hunter

# These hands are frozen fists

# I can't stop thinking about you

# I don't care if you exist

# Do I hear laughter in the silence of the snow?

# I know you're hiding in this frozen heart of winter

# The midnight church bell tolls

# I know you're close Your scent's still warm

# Then the trail turns cold, cold, cold

# I can't stop thinking about you

# I can't stop wanting you this way

# I can't face living without you

# That's why I'm searching night and day

# This heart's a lonely hunter

# These hands are frozen fists

# I can't stop thinking about you

# I don't care if you exist

# I can't stop thinking about you

# I can't stop wanting you this way

# I can't face living without you

# I can't stop wanting you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you know somebody you'd like to nominate

to be an Unexpected Star of the Show for the next series...

..or, in fact, want to nominate someone for ANY surprise...

This is the most embarrassing thing!

..please go to...

..for all the details.