Episode 4 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show...

Olympic hero Rebecca Adlington plays Celebrity Send To All!

There's music from pop legend Rick Astley

and pop sensation Olly Murs.

There's comedy from rising star, Al Porter.

And who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?

All this and so much more.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show!

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MICHAEL LAUGHS

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome...to my Big Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tonight we have an absolutely incredible

show for your entertainment.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

We're going to have some big stars, big laughs and big surprises! Yay!

APPLAUSE

Now, I'm a comedian, I make jokes.

And when I see people in real life, sometimes I make a joke,

and, you know, I like those moments, cos they go, "Oh, that's funny!

"Oh, you're like, you're funny! You're funny in real life."

I made a joke in the airport and I thought it was funny,

and this woman, she just tutted and rolled her eyes at me.

Maybe it wasn't funny. I'm going to run it by you, OK?

I was in duty free. You know in duty free it's always

very weird, because they ask for your boarding pass,

which is always an odd situation when you're paying for something.

You know, you want... You're in the shop and you go, "Can I get this?"

And they go, "Can I see your boarding pass, please?"

You have to prove you're flying on an aeroplane, even though you're in an airport.

You have to go, "Yes, I am flying on an aeroplane."

I don't know what they're suggesting, you know,

what's the accusation here?

That I've driven to Gatwick Terminal North,

that I've parked in a long stay car park,

I've taken a shuttle bus to the terminal,

then I've breached the most stringent security measures there's ever been without a ticket to fly?

Just so I can visit this Pret A Manger?

Is that really what you think I've done?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you have any idea how many Pret A Mangers I drove past

to get to this one?

No, no, not that one. I like the one at Gatwick!

LAUGHTER

So, anyway, I'm in this shop and I thought I'd buy my son

a little present, as a token of being away, you know, a gesture.

So, I'm in duty free and I got him this little plane,

just a little toy plane, you know, little cheap rubbish, but you know...

I put it on the counter and the woman said,

"Can I see your boarding pass?"

And I said, "I'm not getting on it."

LAUGHTER Now, that's not hilarious...

But it's not a tut and an eye roll, is it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, well, you're my people.

Now, they don't know how many parents we've got in here tonight

but long journeys are a lot better with children since the iPad.

IPads, they're a real game-changer for parents,

they're like little magical devices, aren't they?

That shut your children up at any time, day or night.

It's amazing, my eldest, he wakes up at around 5:30,

six o'clock in the morning, he runs into our bedroom, "Morning!"

I'm like, not for me and I just Frisbee an iPad.

Go on, off you go.

LAUGHTER

88% battery, I'll see you in at least two hours.

I'm going back to sleep.

Sit by the plug, charge it, I'll see you next Thursday.

They're so lucky, children of today,

they've got iPods and iPads and iPhones. In our day, we had I Spy.

How awful was our lives compared to the lives of our children?

How boring was I Spy? Something beginning with...

C. Is it car?

Yes, it is car. Dad, your turn.

How about if we include things inside the vehicle?

LAUGHTER

I played Thumb War with my son recently.

I said, "Do you want to play Thumb War?" He's 11, he's like, "Shall I download it?"

"No, you can't download Thumb War.

"This is a battle between my thumb and your thumb."

So I showed him how to play it.

You interlock your hands like this and you jockey for position.

You have to declare it, you can't just go straight into battle.

One, two, three, four, I declare... Thumb War!

Then you try and hold the other person's thumb down,

I thought I'd go easy on him cos I've got my big daddy thumb, he's got his little 11-year-old thumb,

but of course, I don't realise, he's been texting since he was born.

He was some kind of Thumb War ninja.

I couldn't even see his thumb moving.

IMITATES MACHINE-GUN FIRE

I just get beaten over and over again. Agh! Get off! Get back on the iPad! Ow!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out

who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, this is Verity Carlo.

There she is. That's Verity. CHEERING

She's a part-time barmaid and is now training to be a teacher.

She's coming to our fake shop front at the back of the theatre,

and this is what it looked like earlier today,

and this is what it is like now.

It's an art gallery. We've called it Framed. Hello!

LAUGHTER

And there's going to be an exhibition via an artist,

he's called "Rupet Dexta",

which is the best I could do to make an anagram out of Unexpected Star.

There are several letters missing.

LAUGHTER

So, she's working there tonight.

I'm going to show you around, actually, I think.

And she's been told that all the works of art, it's modern art,

everything's worth thousands of pounds, but actually,

it's worthless, nothing is worth anything...

LAUGHTER It's junk.

LAUGHTER

Those paintings there,

they've actually been done by three-year-olds.

Three-year-olds who aren't even particularly good at art, OK?

So these are...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

They've all got really poncey names as well.

Yeah, this is called Deceased.

That's by Rupet Dexta, £2,000, the batteries. There's another...

LAUGHTER

It's junk!

APPLAUSE

All right. Do we have a picture of the black, the black painting?

All right, so here, it's just a painting that's black.

When he comes in, the artist, I'm going to get him to go mad

with, um, Verity, but it's the wrong way round, so...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But of course, I know that Verity loves to sing.

But she's only ever sung in the car, in the shower,

a little bit of karaoke, so her friends wanted to give her

a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

And I believe her fiance is here?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Mark? Where's Mark?

Hello, Mark. Look at you, Marky!

Ladies and gentlemen, say hi to Mark if you can see Mark.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-So, Mark...

-Yes?

-You are Verity's fiance.

-Yes.

So, tell me about Verity.

We got engaged two months ago, so, yeah, when we was on holiday, so...

-Yeah.

-Very good. WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

-All planned? You had the ring and everything?

-All planned.

-All planned.

-Everybody knew apart from her, obviously, so, yeah...

-Yeah, that's the best way to go about it.

-Obviously.

How do you think she's going to react to all the fun we've lined up for her?

Yeah, she's going to be shocked.

So she's told you that she's coming to work...?

-Yeah, as a waitress for the evening, um, at an art gallery, so...

-OK.

-And she's with her friend, Rachel, is that right?

-Rachel.

Who's in on it, so she's...

-Rachel's been the main sort of planner for it.

-OK.

-And I gather her parents are here, is that right?

-Yeah, her mum and dad are here.

-Mum and Dad? Hi, Dad.

Nice to see you, hi. How do you think Verity's going to perform?

-Do you think she's going to be able to handle it?

-She's going to kill him.

All right, let's see how it goes.

Thank you so much for putting her forward for this.

Let's give a big round of applause for Mark and Verity's mum and dad! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

All right.

It's on.

OK, so, I think we can go live to the art gallery now and see,

hopefully...

Oh!

Can you confirm that that is your future bride, Verity?

There she is?

OK. She looks like she's having the most boring day.

LAUGHTER

Now...in with her there is Gemma.

Gemma, if you can hear me,

take a crafty sip of that alcohol on the table there.

I'm just going to...

LAUGHTER

Look at Verity's face.

-You've got to, haven't you?

-Love it.

That's just taken the edge off.

Gemma, ask Verity what she honestly thinks of the art?

What do you honestly think of all this art?

It's horrendous?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I agree. How much would you pay for that?

Gemma, why don't we nick the batteries and just say,

"Batteries not included."

Why don't we just nick the batteries and say, "Batteries not included."

I think that'll make it worth more.

Gemma, say, "Have you met the artist?"

-You've not met Rupert, have you?

-No.

No.

-'He is...'

-OK. I'll be honest now.

-'..one of the most annoying...'

-He's one of the most annoying...

-'..men, I've ever met.'

-Men, I've ever met.

-In what sense?

'Completely embarrassing.'

-Just completely embarrassing.

-'He thinks he's a character...'

Well, he thinks he's a character, right, but...

-'He's a joke.'

-He's a joke.

-'He's just a wally.'

-He's just a wally.

'Try not to laugh when you meet him.'

OK, seriously, try not to laugh when you meet him, OK?

I don't know, who knows?

Who knows?

OK, send in Rupert.

Oh!

Hi, I'm Rupert.

This is all me.

-Hi, there, we met.

-Hello... Gemma.

-Gemma, yeah.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-And...?

I'm Verity.

-Verity, a pleasure to meet you. And, you are?

-Rachel.

-Rachel?

-Yes.

-Lovely.

-Lovely to meet you.

Rupert, stare at the black painting and go, "Oh, no!"

Oh!

It's upside down.

This is upside down.

Fix it, fix it, I can't even look.

-I'm not even going to look.

-I'm so sorry.

-It's such a big day for me.

-Yeah, I know.

Please, please, just turn it the right way up.

It's upside down at the moment. Ladies, can you just do that.

Can you just sort it and turn it upside down.

It's all right, it's all right. It's going to be fine. Just breathe.

Don't worry.

If you turn it...

You can look.

OK, slowly walk over and say, "It's perfect".

No, no, no,...

That's perfect.

LAUGHTER

Thank you so much.

Can you ask, ask Verity, say,

"Honestly, what do you think of my work?"

Honestly, what do you think of my work?

It's very interesting.

I've never seen anything like it before.

That's my favourite piece.

-This?

-Yes, it's very good.

This is, I think, a very powerful piece.

One of my favourites.

This is 18 months.

Say, "You're going to get your head together, I'll see you later."

If it's all right with you,

-I'm just going to get my head together...

-Sure.

And bring in some of the work.

-'It's a very big night for me.'

-Great.

-It's a very important...

-'I thank you for being part of it.'

-Thank you all for being part of it.

That's great. We're pleased to meet you.

-'Thank you.'

-Thank you.

So now people are going to come to the exhibition and then we're

going to call her up to the stage to get some champagne

and then the walls will collapse and we're going to give her the biggest surprise of her life.

All I need you to do is be as quiet as you can when she's coming

up and then as soon as the walls come down,

you have to go completely nuts

to give her the maximum shock.

And, of course, I will immediately direct her towards her loved ones

so she can relax because she seems a little feisty.

LAUGHTER

I wondering whether she's just going to knock me out cold.

Right, we're all set. It's happening.

So...

This is our fake room.

So that is in there

and she's going to be sent up there to get more, I think, champagne.

That's the door that over there

and then those walls collapse and then we're going to give her

this amazing surprise.

OK, so let's bring her up.

Hello, everybody. Is it all right?

Rupert, thank you for coming down, much appreciated.

An absolute pleasure. It calls for a bit of champagne.

Can I just grab someone to... Do you just mind giving me a...

-I'm not very good at carrying stuff.

-I'll give you a hand. Let's take a tray.

WHISPERS: She's coming, she's coming. So far, so good.

Shhhh.

Basically there's a few more people coming down

and I just think there's one person who's coming down

who's got quite a bit of money and they might want to buy something.

If we could turn it into a bit more of a gathering,

-a bit more of a party...

-Mmm.

We might be all right.

So, yeah, if I get the champagne.

Ah, yeah, the tray's in here.

If you can just get one of them trays... We'll use that one.

And just fill that with a few flute glasses.

I'll just get the champagne, I'll be back in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What?!

How did I get here?

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's our Unexpected Star Of The Show, Verity!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on.

Come and join me.

Oh, dear, Verity,

look it's your fiance, Mark.

There's Mum and Dad.

Who did this?

Well, tonight, Verity... You've been working next-door?

Yeah.

-How's that been going?

-Yeah, it was awful.

So, Verity, Rachel who's been in on this whole thing

has got in touch with us and said that you like singing.

There they all are.

None of those people are real. Er...

Oh, my God!

Rupert, as you may have guessed...

-He's ridiculous.

-..is not an artist.

For God's sake, he was dreadful.

He's been putting you on the spot, and said, "What do you think?"

You said, "Interesting,"

which I thought was the most polite way of saying...

-Terrible.

-Terrible.

-So the plan is, Verity...

-Mmm.

You would be taken backstage and you've got to the end of the

show to prepare a performance, quite an exciting performance.

It will be you on this stage for all these people singing.

2,000 people...

-My, God.

-..who are very much rooting for you.

Verity, I just have to ask you to confirm.

Will you be tonight's Unexpected Star Of The Show.

-I'd love to be, thank you.

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Verity our Unexpected Star Of The Show!

Brilliant, thank you so much.

All right.

My next guest, ladies and gentlemen

is an '80s icon.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Who retired in 1993 having sold over 40 million records.

Now he is back with a number one album

and I love this new song and you're going to love it too.

It's Rick Astley, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here we go.

# If you're ever gonna make this work

# You gotta pick yourself up from out of the dirt

# You might need someone to give you a helping hand

# Show you what to do, make you understand

# Well you never thought that you would fall

# Now you're on your knees and you're about ready to crawl

# You need someone to rid you of your disease

# I'll tell you what to do, show you how to be

# If you pray with me

# On your knees under the willow trees

# And pray with me for what we need

# Might not be money, it might not be gold

# Let your love release your soul

# Come on and pray

# Won't you pray

# With me...

# Lordy, lordy, lordy

# Lordy, lordy, lordy

# There's electric in your veins

# It's burning you up and you can't stand the pain

# You need someone to listen to your fiction

# But ain't left doing just one more addiction

# If you pray with me

# On your knees under the willow trees

# And pray with me for what we need

# What we need, yeah

# It might not be money, it might not be gold

# Let your love release your soul

# Come on and pray, won't you pray with me

# Lordy, lordy, lordy

# Lordy, lordy, lordy

# Show me emotion, show me your pain

# Let it out so you can live again

# Share your emotion, share your pain

# Scream and shout so you can love again

# If you pray with me, yeah

# Gonna pray with me, won't you pray with me, yeah

# Pray with me for what we need

# Might not be money, might not be gold

# Let your love release your soul

# Pray, won't you pray

# With me

# On your knees under the willow trees

# And pray with me for what we need, yeah

# Might not be money, might not be gold

# Let your love release your soul

# Come on and pray

# Won't you pray

# With me

# Lordy, lordy, lordy

# Lordy, lordy, lordy. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you!

# Pray with me... #

That is such a good song!

Instant classic!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Astley, come on.

CHEERING

Rick Astley.

# Pray with me... #

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

who wants to play Celebrity Send To All?

CHEERING

Yeah, this is where I take a celebrity's mobile phone and

send a text of my choosing to their contacts and see what

hilarious replies they get at the end of the show.

So let's see who's in our Send To All box this week.

Why it's double Olympic gold medal winning swimmer, Rebecca Adlington!

Come on, Bexsie!

She's a champion!

Hi, darling.

-How are you?

-I'm good. How are you?

So, who are you here with tonight, Rebecca?

-My sister Laura and my mum Kay.

-Lovely.

Welcome. Welcome along.

-I can't thank you enough for being here...

-Thank you.

..and agreeing to play this,

which is a very fun game with no harm done.

Slightly scary.

-So, tell us about Rio. How was that?

-Yes.

Cos we won more gold medals...or medals than ever before,

so we're proud.

It was amazing. The swimming team had the best ever Olympics...ever!

-That's good.

-Which was amazing.

How was your swimming? Cos you did retire from swimming.

Do you allow yourself to swim?

-Yes.

-What's it like when you swim, like, on holiday?

I pretend I can't swim.

-OK.

-Like, if I get in the pool, I just kind of do, like,

-the head-up breaststroke, where I don't get my hair wet.

-Yes.

Mums are very good at...

I think that should be an Olympic sport,

where it's not where who comes first,

it's who has the driest hair at the end.

OK. Let's have a big hand for Rebecca

for putting herself through this.

So...

..as you can see...

Is this for me to wear?

No. You pop your phone into the armband

and that's how you'll deliver it to me

and I will scoot down here... and bring it to me.

Thank you so much.

# Gold!

# Always believe in your soul

# You've got the power to know

# You're indestructible

# Always believe in

# You are gold

# Gold! #

I've got it. Ladies and gentlemen,

I am now in possession of Rebecca Adlington's mobile telephone.

There it is. Thank you.

All right. So, I plug this in here and, with a bit of fortune...

Yay!

Oh, who is that person?

My daughter Summer.

Aw. Summer, look at her, she's beautiful.

And you've named her after your favourite Olympics?!

Excellent.

Aw, adorable.

Let's see what apps you've got on here. What's this one?

It's the CCTV to my house.

LAUGHTER

Is it live?

-Yeah. So, if you press the plus...

-Right.

..and press home, and then go to camera one.

All right, cam one.

Whoa!

Whoa!

What about that?

So, this is your car outside your house?

-And there's another car.

-Yeah.

-And this is the...clothesline.

That's the garden.

I've never seen anyone put a CCTV on their clothesline before.

Are you out having dinner and like,

"I'm just going to check the clothesline, see if they're dry"?

"That swimsuit looks about done.

"I'd better head home. I've got to do a few lengths."

If you double-tap them they go bigger,

-so if you double-tap one of them...

-Double-tap... Oh!

Wow. You said that as if that was going to be

a very exciting moment for all of us.

OK.

So, we are going to pop a text into your phone, Rebecca,

and don't panic, it's absolutely fine, and the text is...

"OMG,

"Kim and Kanye..

"..have asked me

"to be their live-in swimming teacher.

"And how weird is this?

"Kanye is insisting I..."

-How many gold medals have you got?

-Two.

"..wear both medals...

"in every lesson.

"The money is amazing.

"What do you think?"

Kisses? Are you a kisser?

I do one big kiss, one little kiss.

All right, let's do that.

OK, this little dilemma will be presented to all that you know.

"OMG, Kim and Kanye have asked me

"to be their live-in swimming teacher.

"And how weird is this?

"Kanye is insisting I wear both my gold medals in every lesson.

"The money is amazing. What do you think?"

Shall I send that text?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

All right. That is...gone!

CHEERING

We will be catching up with Rebecca later on in the show

and see what responses she gets to these texts.

In the meantime, one more time for the fantastic sport

that is Rebecca Adlington, ladies and gentlemen!

Whoo!

All right.

So, ladies and gentlemen,

my next guest was the toast of this year's Edinburgh Festival.

It is my absolute pleasure to introduce him to you.

Please welcome the wonderful Al Porter!

-Al Porter's here. Come on, Al.

-Hello.

Yes.

Hello. Thank you very much. Are we all well?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Yes. This is amazing. My name is Al.

Thank you so much for having me in this beautiful theatre.

Just to set things clear, if anybody is wondering, looking at me,

you know, "Oh, is he?

"Isn't he?"

Obviously I am.

I'm from a council estate.

I am actually from a council estate.

The kind of estate I am from... I know I am overdressed, by the way,

but I think if you can't hide this, decorate it.

I'm from the kind of place where Father's Day is

a very mysterious day.

Father's Day in my estate is like Halloween.

Kids have to go door to door.

"Hiya, Dad. Hiya, Dad. Hiya, Dad.

"Mam, who else was on your list?"

I still live at home, I should say that.

I mean, I've wanted to live alone for the last two years,

but my parents just won't leave.

No, I'm making progress. I got my dad back smoking but...

Oh, he knows the difference between a house and a home,

I can tell you that.

A home is where he is going once I get him out of the house!

I like it, because my mam's a modern woman.

She's on Facebook.

My mother's on Facebook now. She doesn't know how to use it.

All she does is share inspirational quotes and missing dogs.

Usually at the same time, you know?

Just a lost Jack Russell telling you to never give up.

But it's nice.

I've picked up all of her habits cos I've lived there for too long.

"Leave a light on so it looks like somebody's in."

Recently I was in, watching the TV, with all of the lights off,

and I caught myself thinking, "Sugar!

"I better put a light on so it looks like somebody's in."

I was in!

What was I going to do if I'd left them all off but somebody broke in?

"Freeze!" "Oh, don't mind me, I'm out.

"I've been out for years." I mean...

I've always been very dramatic, by the way. Always camp.

When I came out, my parents said, "Al, you need to come in."

Oh, no, I have.

Like, very, very dramatic, you know?

Like, for example, I recently auditioned for Bond,

but didn't get it because they said,

"No, you're kind of less 007 and more, 'Ooh, 7'! "

I did driving lessons with my dad and he said, "Grab the clutch."

I said, "I left it in the house."

You don't have to remind me to look in the mirror, I can tell you that.

"Check your rear view." "I have, it's fabulous."

Very over the top always.

Actually, Irish people have done a wonderful thing, right?

We've taken the English language and we've mangled it

and minimised it to the point of meaning literally nothing.

My mam describes my dad as "fond of an auld pint",

as opposed to "a raging alcoholic".

My sister is "harmless". Had you ever heard that?

"Harmless" is an Irish euphemism for being a proper eejit.

You see, you're very straightforward people in England.

You go, "Mike, you're an idiot. Mike, you're an idiot."

In Ireland, we're like, "Oh, John? Ah, John's harmless, yeah.

"John's an energy-saver bulb.

"He's dim, but we wouldn't change him, do you know what I mean?"

My mate Sarah Ward is "harmless".

Sarah Ward had two kids by the time we left school.

We all used call her Maternity Ward.

Oh, stop. There were six girls pregnant in my A-level class.

I was the only one that wasn't a suspect.

Sarah had these kids with a fella called Glen. You want to see him.

I'd rather get up on a Monday.

I remember looking at the kids and then looking at Glen,

and she goes to me, "Them kids look nothing like me.

"I bet you he was cheating."

My brother is described as "happy". Have you ever heard that?

"Happy" means you're unemployed.

"Oh, Alan? Alan's a comedian and, Niall, sure Niall's happy."

My uncle who makes a dodgy pass at me every Christmas,

"He's a character."

Even my nana never tells people that I don't like girls.

She won't tell them. She just goes, "Oh, Alan? He's for the Church."

I'm not political, chickens. I'm not.

Honestly, chicken, the closest I ever got to being political

was when I was eight and my nana knitted me a ski mask for winter,

but by the time she was finished it was just a balaclava.

But I wouldn't take it off. You know when a child loves a costume?

Have you ever seen a distraught mother in a supermarket

and you go, "What's wrong with that woman?"

And then you look and she's being followed by a three-foot Spider-Man.

That was my mother,

being followed around by a miniature paramilitary republican.

There's a photo buried in my attic

of me sitting on Santa's lap in Santa's grotto wearing a balaclava.

"What would you like for Christmas?"

-STRONG IRISH ACCENT:

-"A united Ireland, Santa.

"Am I on your naughty list? Cos you're on mine."

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-This is my favourite thing that the Irish have minimised.

In the 1970s, oh, yeah, did we have riots up north, did we?

Did we have riots, did we?

"Not at all. We had a bit of trouble."

You've been a lovely audience. I'm Al Porter, thank you and good night.

Al Porter, ladies and gentlemen!

Yay!

Mwah!

Amazing. What about that?

One more time, the fantastic Al Porter.

Sorry.

What is it?

Your...your mum?

Your mother is in the audience.

You want me to say hello to your mother?

I'm trying to make a TV show.

OK. Where is she sitting?

I'll say hello to her, that's fine. ..Sorry, it's very annoying.

It's one of the producers. Where is she? Over this way?

Where is she?

OK, fine, I'm doing it.

Keep walking? All right, just tell me when to stop.

This is quite boring.

There's no way that's your mother.

I hope not.

You?

Hello. Do you know anybody working on tonight's show?

-No.

-No?

Can you stand up for me? Sorry.

-Do you have children?

-Yes.

-What are their names?

-Rio and Zak.

-OK. How old are they?

-Ten and seven.

-OK.

Not here!

Really?

Oh. Where are they?

At home, I hope.

Rio and Zak?

Would this be Rio and Zak?

Oh, my God.

Uh... Yeah.

So, who's Rio and who's Zak?

-Rio's the older one.

-OK. And that's little Zak?

They're so cute.

They couldn't be working on the show...

-How did you get that?

-I know.

-And you are Sangeeta?

-Yes.

Great. OK, Sangeeta.

This is very bizarre.

What have the boys been doing today?

They were watching a football match.

OK.

Let's have a look, actually, of what your boys have been up to,

helping me on the show today.

So, Michael, we've got some new producers coming to help us out.

Right.

-I'm Zak.

-And I'm Rio.

-Nice to meet you. Welcome.

I'm Michael, and this is the Big Show team.

OK, let's crack on.

We've had a look at the scripts, and we have a few notes.

This is... This is funny.

-This is funny stuff, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Really good.

-Really strong.

-Funny.

-Really funny stuff.

Yeah. I think it'll work.

How about this? Knock-knock.

Who's there?

I'mma.

I'mma poo?

I'mma poo?

BOOMING VOICE: Good evening. NORMAL VOICE: No.

Come on, Michael.

Good evening!

-Ohh...

-I mean, how hard is it?

Why can't you just say it right? Try again.

Good evening!

Is it too late to change the host?

Michael, that's not how Mummy does it.

No...

No, no, no.

I'm not sure...

Yes.

Perfect.

Wow.

Mummy?

Yay!

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

Ladies and gentlemen, give a big hand to Rio and Zak,

the Big Show's little producers!

Come on, let's go and say hi to them.

There you go. There's Mum. And where's Dad? Come on out, Dad!

Dad never got to go to the football.

Brilliant. Boys, did you enjoy your day?

-Yeah.

-Was it fun?

-Yes.

Pretty awesome?

All right. Enjoy the rest of the show, which you produced.

I suppose, just between us, there was an incredibly awkward moment

when you put all that make-up on me.

Daddy made a move.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Zak and Rio.

And Sangeeta!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am so excited to introduce my next guest.

He is a hugely talented, charming,

handsome man who has sold over 10 million records.

Please welcome Olly Murs!

CHEERING

# When I'm alone in the dark

# I paint a picture inside my mind

# Of all the things that I wanted

# But I never thought I would find

# And it blows my mind

# Because there you are

# By my side

# Maybe you know, maybe you don't

# But it's a question I have to ask

# I know we're young and we've got life

# But life always goes so fast

# But while you're mine

# Yeah, it feels like time's on our side

# Years and years, forever young

# Years and years, yet to come

# I take every second of every minute

# Long as you're in it, you know I'm winning

# Years and years we won't forget

# The time and place that we met

# And now I remember it all so clear

# You signed your name on my heart

# Saying you were here

# No, we're not at the end

# But we came close maybe once or twice

# We got burned but we learned not to listen to bad advice

# Now I know you're mine

# Cos it feels like time's on our side

# Years and years, forever young

# Years and years, yet to come

# I take every second of every minute

# As long as you're in it, you know I'm winning

# Years and years we won't forget

# The time and place that we met

# And I remember it all so clear

# You signed your name on my heart

# Saying you were here

# It doesn't matter where we go

# It's all I want, it's all I know

# This feeling's never, ever getting old

# It's all I know

# Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

# Know-oh-oh, oh-oh... # Come on!

CHEERING

# Years and years, forever young

# Years and years, yet to come

# I take every second of every minute

# As long as you're in it, I know I'm winning

# Years and years we won't forget

# The time and place that we met

# And I remember it all so clear

# You signed your name on my heart

# Saying you were here

# Years and years

# The night of our lives

# Years and years

# In the blink of an eye

# Years and years

# I know this love will last years and years. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Olly Murs! Mursy!

-Amazing. Come on! Let's have this!

-Thank you.

What about that, ladies and gentlemen?

-What a legend Olly Murs is.

-Thank you very much.

CHEERING

SOMEONE SNEEZES

LAUGHTER

What happened? What...? What happened? What...?

Why are you laughing? What happened? Was it a sneeze or something?

Somebody sneezed?

"Achoo!" Sneezing's weird.

You know what the weirdest bodily function is in my opinion?

It's yawning. Yawning. I want you to take a moment,

I want you to take a moment just to think about how weird yawning is.

Think about it, cos it doesn't do anything for you.

When you're tired, you yawn, but do you get a boost?

It's not like you have a... It's not like an espresso.

Think about... Just think... Cos we're so busy being human,

you don't stop to think how weird it is that, every once in a while,

your face, for no apparent reason, goes like this...

"Aaaahhh.

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh."

And, if you try to suppress it, you look even weirder.

"Hnghn...

"Hgngnnnrrr..."

And how weird is this? It's contagious! How weird is that?!

What is that even about?

How can it be contagious that one person does this -

"Aaahhh" -

and another person just goes, "Aaahhh," back to them?

Right. Earlier tonight, champion swimmer Rebecca Adlington

agreed to hand over her phone and I sent a text message to her contacts.

The message, of course, was...

"Big kiss, little kiss."

So let's see how everyone in your phone has responded to this.

Ooh, "Emma Flange"? Is that a real person?

She goes, "Shut up??"

Then new line, "Shut up??"

Then another line, "Shut up??

"This is amazing news," on another line.

Then, on another line, "What the hell!!!!

"Oh, I'm so excited right now. 100% yes. Oh, my God!"

John Inverdale. Oh, he's not really playing.

"Was that meant for me?"

REBECCA LAUGHS

I'm just going to text him back, actually. "Yes, John...

"..I came to you first.

"I need an answer by tonight."

We'll send that out and see how that plays out.

OK, that's Inverdale.

Tim Kellaway. Who's that? Tim Kellaway?

-Yeah, a family friend.

-Family friend?

"I wouldn't bother, you're already loaded anyway."

Ooh! Mark Foster! He's gone with, "You'll sink and need a lifeguard.

"I'll come and supervise, Baywatch-style." There you go.

Ah! Sir Chris Hoy?! That's very exciting.

Oh, Chris Hoyas got an excellent sense of humour.

He's started it with, "I ain't saying he's a gold digger..."

Pretty good.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Yeah, but then he's onto it, you see?

"I'm guessing that's you, Michael M. Say hi..."

AUDIENCE GROANS

"Say hi to Becky."

On your bike!

Ooh! Dean Cain?

Sorry, Superman has texted you?

OK, he's texted, "Live-in?

"And you wear your medals?

"Oh, that sounds like some kinky stuff.

"Take the money and run."

OK, who did I text? Oh, no, Inverdale.

Oh, he hasn't got back.

Don't leave me hanging, Invo.

Got to text him again!

The bubbles have come up - he's thinking!

The bubbles. The bubbles! I've got bubbles!

But sometimes people do bubbles and then you wait

and then they decide not to text.

You're like, "What happened? Why did you bail out?!"

Come on, Invo. Oh, he's bailed out of the bubbles!

AUDIENCE GROANS

I saw your bubbles, I know you were thinking.

I saw your thinking bubbles.

I know you're there.

Oh, no, he's just come in.

"I would insist on all the sessions being in Mansfield.

"Good for the local economy!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, that was brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a huge hand for the wonderful Rebecca Adlington!

Fabulous! Fabulous!

Oh...

Ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight,

we gave Verity the biggest surprise of her life

when she became our Unexpected Star of the show.

She was next door, serving drinks at our fake art exhibition.

And now the time has nearly come for her to perform for us.

CHEERING

Let's have a little look at how the last hour has unfolded for Verity.

MUSIC: Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine

So I thought I was working in an art gallery this evening,

and when he asked me to turn the picture around,

I didn't want to touch it because it had "£19,000" on the picture,

and then I couldn't get it straight.

Yeah, I wasn't happy about doing that!

SHE LAUGHS

The walls collapsed, and suddenly there's Michael McIntyre

and a huge audience in front of me.

Apparently, I'm the Unexpected Guest on the Michael McIntyre show.

I'm feeling all kinds of crazy. This is nuts.

We've got a little amount of time, so we're going to get you backstage,

meet the whole team, and rehearse.

Oh, God! I can't believe it's happening.

What's going on?

'Yeah, love the song, it's fantastic, and the band are amazing,

'and the dancers... Oh!'

I can't wait!

Nothing in my life is ever going to live up to this moment.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come.

Please give all your love for our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Verity!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Son Of A Preacher Man

# Billy Ray was a preacher's son

# And when his daddy would visit he'd come along

# When they gathered round and started talkin'

# That's when Billy would take me walkin'

# Through the back yard we'd go walkin'

# Then he'd look into my eyes

# Lord knows, to my surprise

# The only one who could ever reach me

# Was the son of a preacher man

# The only boy who could ever teach me

# Was the son of a preacher man

# Yes, he was, he was

# Ooh, yes, he was

# Bein' good isn't always easy

# No matter how hard I try

# When he started sweet-talkin' to me

# He'd come and tell me, "Everything is all right"

# He'd kiss and tell me, "Everything is all right"

# Can I get away again tonight?

# The only one who could ever reach me

# Was the son of a preacher man

# The only boy who could ever teach me

# Was the son of a preacher man

# Yes, he was, he was

# Oh, yes, he was Oh, yes, he was

# How well I remember

# The look that was in his eyes

# Stealin' kisses from me on the sly

# Takin' time to make time

# Tellin' me that he's all mine

# Learnin' from each other's knowin'

# Lookin' to see how much we've grown and

# The only one who could ever reach me

# Was the son of a preacher man

# The only boy who could ever teach me

# Was the son of a preacher man

# Yes, he was, he was

# Oh, yes! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yay!

It's Verity, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was amazing. You belted that out! Go on, darlin'!

You gave it some!

That was amazing. How did that feel?

Oh, I feel AMAZING! Crazy.

-You've got a very powerful voice, Verity.

-Oh, thank you.

That was amazing. Wasn't that amazing, ladies and gentlemen?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you so much.

-That was incredible.

-Aw, look at your hubby-to-be, so proud.

-I know.

And your parents. You should be very proud. Absolutely sensational.

Thank you for coming. How have you enjoyed the whole experience?

Oh, it's just been the best day of my life, ever!

-Oh, you've handled so well. You're amazing.

-Thanks, thank you.

That's what it's all about.

Ladies and gentlemen, our Unexpected Star of the show.

It's Verity! Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Son Of A Preacher Man

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much to my guests tonight.

The play is out with an all-time timeless classic,

it's Rick Astley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# We're no strangers to love

-# You know the rules and...

-AUDIENCE:

-..so do I... #

Come on, then!

# We're no strangers to love

-# You know the rules and...

-AUDIENCE:

-..so do I

# A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

# You wouldn't get this from any other guy

# I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

# Gotta make you understand

# Never gonna give you up

# Never gonna let you down

# Never gonna run around and desert you

# Never gonna make you cry

# Never gonna say goodbye

# Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

# We've known each other for so long

# Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it

# Inside we both know what's been going on

# We know the game and we're gonna play it

# And if you ask me how I'm feeling

# Don't tell me you're too blind to see

# Never gonna give you up

# Never gonna let you down

# Never gonna run around and desert you

# Never gonna make you cry

# Never gonna say goodbye

# Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

# Never gonna give you up

# Never gonna let you down

# Never gonna run around and desert you

# Never gonna make you cry

# Never gonna say goodbye

# Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you... #

Sing them "oohs".

-# Ooh, give you up

-Yeah!

# Ooh, give you up

# Never gonna give, never gonna give

-# Give you up

-No, no

# Never gonna give, never gonna give

# Give you up

# We've known each other since 1987

# Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it

# Inside we both know what's been going on

# We know the game and we're gonna play it

# And if you ask me how I'm feeling

# Don't tell me you're too blind to see

# Never gonna give you up

# Never gonna let you down

# Never gonna run around and desert you

# Never gonna make you cry

# Never gonna say goodbye

# Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

# No, never gonna give you up

# I'm never gonna let you down

# Never gonna run around and desert you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you know somebody you'd like to nominate

to be an Unexpected Star of the show for the next series...

..or in fact want to nominate someone for ANY surprise...

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

This is the most embarrassing thing!

..please go to...

..for all the details.