Christmas Special Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight, on my Big Christmas Show...

Alesha Dixon plays Christmas Send To All.

There's comedy from the brilliant Bill Bailey.

The sensational Seal sings Let It Snow,

and there's a very festive Christmas Midnight Gameshow.

And who will be tonight's Unexpected Star Of The Show?

Ho, Ho, Ho.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Big Christmas Show!

MUSIC: Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

APPLAUSE

Merry Christmas!

Thank you, thank you!

Merry Christmas!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to my Big Christmas Show!

APPLAUSE

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we've got big Christmas stars,

big Christmas laughs

and big Christmas surprises.

Oh, yes!

It's a good one tonight!

I'll be playing my favourite game at Christmas,

Send To All. CHEERING

I will also be sneaking into someone's house

for a very special festive edition of the Midnight Gameshow.

CHEERING

And Santa Claus himself will be arriving on this very stage

in a very, very special Christmassy Unexpected Star Of The Show!

CHEERING

It's Christmassy, such a big thing, isn't it?

You never know when you're going to feel Christmassy.

That's why all the traditions of Christmas,

they make you feel Christmassy.

And we love, we all love all the traditions of Christmas,

or at least we pretend to love them, because we do them.

The clue that maybe we don't love them so much

is that they don't pop up in the year.

Turkey, we don't even really like turkey,

it's quite a dry, flavourless meat.

There's no Kentucky Fried Turkey.

It doesn't pop up in the year.

The clue that we don't like turkey,

is we stuff it with meats we'd rather be eating.

Brussels sprouts,

why do we put ourselves through this annual bushtucker trial?

I have no idea.

We force ourselves to eat these squashed-up vegetable fart balls

on this one day of the year.

Bread sauce, since when was bread a sauce?

Have you looked at Christmas lunch and thought, I know what this needs,

it needs a paper hat, a bad joke and some toenail clippers.

The last thing you want to think about when eating

is toenail clippings.

And also, what happens to all the things that you win in crackers?

I don't remember throwing those little trinkets away,

but they don't pop up in the year.

People never say to you during the course of the year,

anybody fancy a game of miniature cards?

I've got these tiny little cards that I won at Christmas.

I find the full deck so overpowering,

let's use the tiny ones.

Why measure the whole carpet when we can measure this little section

over here with my miniature tape measure that I won at Christmas?

So anyway, how are you?

Let me consult my mini, coloured, curly fish and then

I'll tell you my precise emotion.

Oh look, it's trying to flip over.

According to the instructions, I feel betrayed.

The point is, we don't really like these things.

You wouldn't go to a restaurant in July and the waiter comes over,

"Chef's special today is the chicken."

"Have you got a drier, less flavoursome meat, like a turkey?"

"Any side orders?" "Fart grenades from Belgium, please."

"I'd like you to surround my dry meat with fart grenades."

"Any bread for the table?"

"Liquid bread, my friend."

"Could you liquefy the bread

"and pour it all over my dry meat and fart balls?"

"Is there anything else I can get you?"

"I think a miniature sewing kit would round this meal off perfectly,

"catch up on my sewing. Oh, and waiter, sorry,

"could I have everything again in half an hour in a sandwich?"

"Thank you."

I don't know that we really like these things.

But Christmassy, it makes us feel.

Now ladies and gentlemen, it's time to find out who's going to be our

Christmas Unexpected Star Of The Show.

CHEERING Oh, yes.

So, for this very special, festive Unexpected Star,

I need to take you over to my Christmas living room.

Look where we're headed.

So, this is my living room.

You can sense this isn't the best...

"Darling, are you sure you've tidied up properly

"and you haven't swept everything underneath the rug?"

Every week on the Big Show, we surprise

an ordinary member of the public with an extraordinary talent

and give them the opportunity to perform right here

on this very stage.

So, here...

I've got to pop this open. But that's a familiar...

That's a familiar Christmas move, isn't it?

Urgh...

OK, so here is tonight's Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is John.

He is from Ayrshire in Scotland, and he is an aircraft mechanic.

There he is, in front of an aircraft and he's doing his mechanics.

He's coming to our secret location, which is behind the theatre,

thinking that he's taking part in a special, Christmassy world-record

attempt with a couple of his friends for the most Father Christmases to

slide down the chimney in ten hours.

Right?

So that's what he thinks is happening tonight.

Now, let's move over here.

This is my fireplace

and behind here is,

well, you've guessed it, it's a slide.

I don't know if you can see that.

So the idea is - and oh, my God, I hope this works -

is that tonight's Unexpected Star Of The Show,

dressed as Father Christmas...

..will slide down here

and he will land on this here padded rug area

for all of you tonight. If it works.

Are you up for that, ladies and gentlemen?

CHEERING

I feel like I should show them this, shouldn't I?

Yes. They don't believe me.

All right, I'll see you in a second. Hold on.

Hello, can you see me?

Very good. All right.

So here we have all the other Father Christmases who are going to be

taking part in this fictional, sliding, world-record attempt

and the fun thing is they're also going to be the choir later

for John's performance.

So, this is an adjudicator, who's writing things down,

fake writing, very good adjudicator.

So, we come here past all the Santas, very good, nice to see you.

Yes, hello. Hello, hi, hello, hi, very good.

Oh, goodness, there's so many of them. Right.

So, he'll be led up here...

..all the way to the top of the...

Hi.

OK. Oh, my God, I'm so tense about this.

All right, I haven't actually done this yet

and it's supposed to be incredibly fast.

Oh, God, this is so...

Oh, my God, that's so fast!

Oh!

So...

So, John will land here. And, ladies and gentlemen,

he will have no idea that he's in the Theatre Royal

or indeed on a Christmas television special.

Santa Claus is coming to town tonight!

CHEERING

John is currently backstage getting ready for his turn to come down the

chimney, so let's go live, we're going to go live, that's exciting.

OK, we're going to go... All right, so this is them.

This is John, John is on the far right, and these are his two mates,

and these people are all actors.

They're all here to take part in this world-record attempt and he's

completely oblivious that tonight

he's going to be performing on this stage. He doesn't know, for example,

we're watching the way that he's toying with his locks as he waits.

OK, so I'm going to chat to John's parents, Cathy and Hammy,

and they're here tonight. Cathy and Hammy, where are you?

Come on.

Hello, darling. Love it, a nice smacker there from Cathy.

Hi, Hammy. How are you?

So Cathy, lovely to see you.

Lovely to see you. Tell us about John.

Does he have any idea what's happening?

No. No, he's absolutely no idea.

I think he's going to be absolutely stunned

when he comes down the chute.

Well, he certainly is. I mean, it's quite fast anyway.

And where does he think you guys are?

-Where does he think you are, Dad?

-At home, watching his dog.

Oh!

Dare I ask who's watching the dog?

It's his first time in the kennels.

You've put him for the first time in a kennel?!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

People have gone completely off the whole idea.

They're like, "Get back to Scotland!"

It was a surprise, so we couldn't ask anyone to watch him.

OK, but you should have bought the dog down,

we'd have put him down the slide straight after him.

So, Christmas, is that something that you take seriously?

Yes, John absolutely loves it.

He loves Christmas. Tell me about his singing.

Is that something he wants to do professionally?

What's his history with singing?

No, no, John doesn't think he's good enough to do professional.

-Well...

-Aw!

His mum's got a different opinion.

Well, that's why he's here, because he doesn't know

that he's here for this moment and he's going to sing us out

at the end of the show. And we'll find out just how good he is,

and we're all so excited for that.

Well, thank you so much for nominating him and coming down.

Really sorry about the dog.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hammy and Cathy.

Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you so much.

All right, it's happening.

It's happening.

OK, so let's go live now and see if we can have a little bit of fun.

Because this is a world record attempt,

we thought it would be nice to have a world-record holder who loves

breaking world records and just gets off on the buzz of claiming

more and more world records.

In his Santa suit, please can we send in Colin Jackson.

In fact, why don't you hurdle that box there?

And then say, "Still got it."

Still got it, still got it, hey.

Hi, guys, how are you doing?

How are you doing?

-Pleasure.

-Grab a seat.

-Say "hi" to all the Santas, "Hi, Santas."

How are you doing, guys, everybody all good?

-Hi, yeah?

-You know who I am?

You know I'm here, right? No, you're all looking at me...

OK. I am Colin Jackson.

List your world records.

OK, I hold a couple of world records,

so I've had the world record for 110m hurdles,

I have a 200m world-record...

And I'm here to break another record.

I'm here to break another world-record, so...

Are you going to let me down, or are we going to do this?

I hope you're all not going to let me down. You going to do it?

Say, "Ho, ho, ho."

Ho-ho-ho, come on!

-ALL:

-Ho-ho-ho!

-Come on, let's do it, come on.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Come on, let's do it. High fives!

Let's do this, guys. I need another world record!

-OK, now take a seat with them, Colin.

-All righty.

You all right, yes?

That gentleman there, with the clipboard, is Robert.

He's sort of in charge of things.

Robert, I'd like you to say to everybody that you need to take them

through some basic health and safety tests,

because they're going to be going down a slide.

OK, guys, I just need to take you through

some basic health and safety tests...

OK, we're going to do a simple vertigo test.

So, we're going to do a simple vertigo test. Don't worry!

Maybe you, Colin, you seem enthusiastic, want to come first?

-..enthusiastic enough, you can come first!

-Sure.

If I could just ask you to step up to level two and be careful.

-How do you feel up there?

-Yeah, I'm all right.

It's a bit warm, but yeah, I'm all right.

I just need to test out if you're affected by the altitude

-by asking some basic questions.

-I need to find out if you're affected

by the altitude by asking you a couple of basic questions.

-OK.

-How many hands does a human being have?

-Two.

-Excellent.

What is the colour of your hat?

Er...red and white.

And complete this famous Father Christmas catchphrase...

And complete this famous Father Christmas catchphrase...

-Ho-ho...?

-Ho-ho...?

Ho!

OK! That's brilliant.

-Absolutely fine, and take a seat.

-..thank you, take a seat.

So I'll go with John.

Is it John?

OK, excellent.

All right. Can I ask you to step to level two, please?

Level two. Careful.

-How do you feel up there?

-How do you feel up there?

-Great.

-OK. Some basic questions.

-Basic questions.

-How many bones are there in the human body?

How many bones are there in the human body?

236.

Oh, that's excellent.

What noise does a giraffe make?

What noise does a giraffe make?

HE WHIMPERS

OK, that's good enough. Pretty good.

Can you name all of Santa's eight reindeer?

Can you name all of Santa's eight reindeer?

Prancer, Donner, Cupid, Donner and Dancer and Cupid and Blitzen...

No, you've repeated Donner twice there.

Robert, say I'm a bit worried about you that high up.

Could you go down to level one?

I'm a bit worried about the altitude.

-Could you come down to level one?

-OK.

Can you ask him if he's ever had a DMS test before?

Have you ever had a DMS test?

-What's that?

-Dart motion sickness test.

-No.

-We'll do that now. If you could step down.

Explain to him you're going to spin him around 15 times, and then throw the dart at the dartboard.

I'm going to spin you around 15 times, then you have to throw the dart to the dartboard,

-and you have to score a minimum of ten.

-OK.

OK. Spin him 15 times.

-And go.

-One, two, three, four...

..14, 15. Go.

Two.

Oh!

-Yes!

-Congratulations.

Excellent, thanks for doing that.

-Well done.

-Well done.

Robert, just settle the room, and do a few more tests on people,

just so he doesn't twig. All right.

So what's going to happen is we're going to bring him up absolutely imminently.

I am going to be sitting on this chair,

reading this newspaper, which actually depicts everything that's going on.

It's the Unexpected Star.

I will be hidden behind here. HE GIGGLES

Father Christmas will then arrive... HE GIGGLES

..in my living room...

But, listen, ladies and gentlemen,

I've got to ask you the biggest favour of all.

You have to be completely quiet.

No laughing, anything, until we see him.

And at that moment,

you can make as much noise as you've ever made in your life.

And give him the biggest surprise he's ever had, OK?

Are you up for that, ladies and gentlemen?

-Yes!

-So be super-quiet until Santa arrives.

OK. So shall we bring him up?

That's everyone, isn't it?

-Ready for this group?

-We can go, yeah.

-Come, follow me round.

So, I'll put you in your groups on the way.

Just follow me around, so we've got John and Stephen.

David, Nico.

John, Stephen. David, Nico.

Follow me this way, please.

Are you all ready for this? Thank you.

Come on through, group number one.

With you in a second.

Good luck.

The amount of times I've done these days today.

Ooh! First one. John, if I could just get you in position, holding on here.

-Yeah.

-I'll give you a cue to go, if you just get on

your bum, just make sure your feet are off the...

Give us a shout when we're ready.

OK. Off we go.

Off we go, thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hi, John.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's our Unexpected Star of the show, it's John!

Hey, Johnny.

John, look there's your mum and dad over there.

There's Hammy and Cathy. They are here for you.

Santa, thank you for joining us.

We are all here to surprise you.

You've just come through my chimney on Christmas Eve...

..to be... CHUCKLES

Yeah. How are you feeling, John?

What?

Who's watching the dog?

John, I can assure you that the dog is fine.

John, we are all here to surprise you.

None of this is real.

There is no world record attempt.

Colin Jackson is not completely insane.

Your friends have been in on this.

They've got you down here so that you can slide through my chimney tonight.

If you look into that television over there,

you can actually see everybody, there they are. Give us a wave.

They are all here to surprise you

and to mess with you...

..because, John,

everybody says you have a very special talent for singing,

and you don't truly believe in yourself.

And tonight, you'll actually, if you will agree,

be singing us out.

On this very stage.

CHEERING

John.

Will you be tonight's Christmas Unexpected Star of the show?

-You can do it, John!

-Yes.

-Go on, Johnny!

John, you're going to be sensational.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Unexpected Star of tonight's show, it's Johnny!

Go on, John!

Very good. Nice to see you.

Over here, we're going to help you out.

Tonight's Unexpected Star is Santa!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, with a very special Christmas performance,

it's the triple Brit Award-winning soul sensation, Seal.

MUSIC: Let It Snow

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful

# But the fire is so delightful

# And since we got no place to go

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

# It doesn't show signs of stopping

# But I've brought some corn for popping

# The lights are turned way down low

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

# When we finally say good night

# How I'll hate going out in the storm

# But if you really just hold me tight

# All the way home, I'll be warm

# The fire is slowly dying

# And, my dear, we're still goodbye-ing

# As long as you love me so

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Yeah!

CHEERING

MUSIC: Jingle Bells

# Jingle all the way

MUSIC REVERTS TO LET IT SNOW

# When we finally say goodnight

# How I'll hate going out in the storm

# But if you really just hold me tight

# Ooh, all the way home, I'll be warm

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful

# But that fire is so delightful

# Since we got no place to go

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. #

CHEERING

Yay!

-It's Seal, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, so, so much. Brilliant. Sensational.

-Thank you.

Let it snow!

-What a wonderful festive moment.

-It's Christmas now, isn't it?

We are feeling it so much more after that amazing performance.

One more time, please, for the sensational Seal.

Thank you so, so, much, Seal.

Incredible. Seal's in town!

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Who would like to play Christmas Send To All?

Oh, fun!

Fun!

Fun, fun, fun!

So this is where I take a celebrity's mobile phone,

and send a text of our choosing to their contacts,

and we see what hilarious replies they get at the end of the show.

So let's find out who is in our Christmas Send To All box.

She's turned the Christmas lights on, in Leeds,

Blackburn and Preston!

And this year,

she has the esteemed responsibility of turning the Christmas lights on

in Coventry and Perth, in Scotland.

But tonight, she's turning on the Christmas lights

in our Send To All box, three, two, one...

Yay! It's Alesha Dixon!

-Hi, Alesha.

-Hello, Michael.

How are you?

And who is this hunk beside you?

-This is my lovely husband, AZ.

-AZ?

How are you, my friend?

-You can call him Azuka.

-Well, thank you both for coming.

-Thanks for having us.

-Now let's talk about Christmas.

-Big fan of Christmas?

-I love Christmas.

It's like the only time of the year that I get to spend quality time

with friends and family.

I'm very lucky that both of us have brothers

who are amazing cooks.

So we just lap it up.

And when do you open presents?

First thing in the morning? Because your daughter is how old?

She's just turned four.

So we let her open some presents in the morning, but we like to,

kind of, like, stretch it out throughout the day.

We open our gifts after dinner.

Everybody puts so much effort into it as well.

-It's really nice.

-And then you go over for the hug.

You make your way, wade through the wrapping paper.

Whoever gets the job of cleaning up the rubbish, that's the worst job.

That's Azuka?

No, no, that's the other brother.

How many brothers have you got

that just do stuff for you around the house?

Brother number four, please.

I've dropped some... I can't find the end of the Sellotape.

Where's the end of the Sellotape?

Brother, come.

No, honestly... Every year we have a different present distributor,

because that takes time.

Last year I got a drone for my main present.

-Did you?

-I flew it into myself, and...

..ended up in casualty, yeah, I did.

I got a bit confused, because I'd had a drink at lunch.

And I thought... It just flew towards me,

and I just dropped the controls and ran.

I cut my fingers. I went to casualty,

it was the most middle-class casualty visit ever.

-Anyway. Thank you so much for being here.

-Thanks for having us.

We are all very grateful, we're going to have a lot of fun.

-Yes, we are.

-Now, listen,

I would ask you to put your phone into our Christmas pudding.

But I presume you need to summon a sibling to do that for you?

-Yes, can I just call my sister?

-Call your sister.

Can she pop it in the Christmas pud?

So, Alesha's going to pop her phone now into the Christmas pudding.

-Oh, I'm nervous.

-And I'm going to bring that down now. Bye-bye, phone.

MUSIC: All I Want For Christmas

Yay!

Thank you. Thank you!

OK, this is it.

It's Alesha's phone, ladies and gentlemen.

OK.

So, oh, this is your lovely daughter.

-Yes. Azura.

-Oh, brilliant. All right. So, do you have photos?

Yes. Photos.

Christmassy ones.

Oh, look, that's me, freezing cold in Lapland, smiling, pretending it's really warm.

But, actually, it was -22.

I'm going to be honest with you, Alesha. It looks -22!

This is you and...

This is me and Rudolph.

To be honest, you haven't allowed Rudolph to confirm his identity

due to your selfie selfishness...

-Oi, red nose...

-Do you know what?

-..I'm coming in.

So, you say it's Rudolph.

So that's Rudolph the no-nosed reindeer.

Hello.

Hello!

This looks a bit more like Azuka's screensaver.

What's the story here though?

There is no story other than we just got ready

for the Glam squad, we always do a bit of a photo shoot.

You know, before we start the day.

-Why not?

-I do pretty much the same thing before the show.

My Glam squad consists of people going,

"Tuck your shirt into your pants otherwise it will pop out."

Oh, your lovely daughter.

Oh, she's completely adorable.

-Thank you.

-Right, I think it's time to put the...

-Romantic date night?

-That was in Ibiza.

-In the summer.

-Really?

-Yes.

This is your trademark cap.

-My lucky cap.

-Your lucky cap.

I did say to him before the show, are you going to wear that hat?

-And I said yes.

-He said yes.

It's my lucky cap.

Azuka, I think we can upgrade your hat.

Come on, come on.

Give us the hat, mate.

Come on, it's Christmas.

Come on.

Here we go. Here we go.

Boom!

Come on, Azuka... He's put it on top of it!

Still too cool.

I'll take that. I'll take that.

-OK, so let's put the text into the telephone.

-I'm so nervous.

Don't worry, this is always fun.

I am worried, my daughter's teacher is in my phone!

Yes, and she will really love to receive this message.

I'd like to...

..invite you...

round...

for...

Christmas...

..Day.

Yes, Alesha, you're going to be inviting

everybody you know to your house this Christmas.

It's SO...

fun!

I sing hits...

Oh, my goodness!

..from my back catalogue...

..and judge presents...

That's good!

..BGT style.

OK. Everyone...

brings something.

Let's give some examples.

Louis Walsh...

..is on potatoes.

Tess Daly...

..on eggnog.

And Craig David

is dressing up as Santa.

This is a good invitation.

It's a VERY good invitation!

Please come and let me know what you...can...bring.

OK, how would you sign a text, Alesha?

-Kiss, kiss, kiss.

-Do you think we should add a little line in there?

I'm going massive this Christmas.

I'm mixing things up.

I'm mixing things... Thank you for your contribution!

Yeah!

"I'm mixing things up this year."

-Yeah...

-Yeah!

So we've added, "I'm mixing things up this year.

"I'd like to invite you round for Christmas Day, it's SO fun.

"I sing hits from my back catalogue, and judge presents BGT style.

"Everyone brings something. Louis Walsh is on potatoes.

"Tess Daly is on eggnog, and Craig David is dressing up as Santa.

"Please come and let me know what you can bring."

Yes!

Shall we send the text?

Shall we do it?

It's happening. Yeah!

We will find out later on who's going round Alesha's for Christmas.

Thank you very much, Alesha Dixon and Azuka.

Thank you so much.

Ah, ladies and gentlemen.

This Christmas, if you hear the patter of footsteps on your rooftop,

or the sound of someone coming down your chimney, it could, of course,

be Father Christmas. Or... it could be me.

and the Big Show, because it's time to play

the Christmas Midnight Gameshow!

In the Midnight Gameshow,

the contestants had no idea that they would be taking part.

They went to sleep, safe and sound, tucked up in their beds,

only to be woken in the dead of night by me and the camera crew,

to answer a series of questions

while semiconscious in the Midnight Gameshow!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

-it's the only game where if you snooze... ALL:

-You lose!

Very good!

OK, our Christmas Midnight Gameshow contestant is Nick -

he was nominated by his girlfriend Frankie

and Nick and Frankie are here with us tonight. Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for Nick and Frankie

in The Christmas Midnight Gameshow!

Oh, yes.

Hi, guys. Hi, Nick!

So good to see you.

Hi, Frankie. Lovely to see you both.

Oh, it's so nice to see you all dressed up of an evening.

I wore my good pants.

-You wore your good pants?

-That night.

That night? So, obviously, you were set up by Frankie.

Frankie gave us the keys to your home

and you insisted that Nick put on his good pants?

Well, I told him to wear some clothes.

You did try to get him to groom himself a bit...

I told him to shave this a little bit, sort his hair out.

Shave the beard, sort the hair out?

Did you not anticipate a more entertaining evening than an early night?

Well, I just went along with it.

You just went along with it?

OK. You're there with,

there's three different generations living in this house.

-Who was in the house?

-There's me, Mum and Dad and my Nan.

-How old is your nan?

-88.

88? She's 88 years old?

And she has a stairlift in the home,

which added a lot of excitement to the Midnight Gameshow.

Thank you for your wearing your best pants.

I think when we all see this, we will all be, and you most of all,

incredibly grateful to Frankie for putting those pants on.

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's enjoy Nick's Christmas Midnight Gameshow.

LIFT BEEPS

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

BEEP AND LOUD CLICK

MUSIC PLAYS Nick!

Merry Christmas!

Midnight Gameshow!

How are you? Merry Christmas!

Good to see you!

Here are the elves.

-Hey, Nick - how are you doing?

-I'm all right.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas to yourself, too.

We need to crack on, so, let's get things started, Nick,

by opening this cracker.

Thank you very much to my elf friend.

Nick, we're going to pull this cracker.

Look at that, what a start!

There you go. Get your hat on and we'll get this party started!

The bedside clock is ticking.

-Surreal.

-Taking this in your stride, Nick.

-Just about, yeah.

-There you go.

Your first questions are to guess the punch line

-of these classic Christmas cracker jokes.

-OK.

All right, Nick.

Fully focused, what would you call a blind reindeer?

-No eye-deer.

-That's the correct answer! We're flying!

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?

I have no idea.

Maybe you accidentally got the first one correct!

When you said "no idea" on the first one,

was that your answer?

Yes, that was my answer!

Your third joke is, what do you get when you cross Santa with a duck?

-A Christmas cracker.

-Christmas...?

-Quacker!

-Correct answer!

Two out of three, well done, Nick.

Now, I'm going to ask you to complete

this well-known lyric

from a beautiful Christmas song.

# Ding-dong merrily on high

# In Heav'n the bells are ringing

# Ding-dong! Verily the sky

# Is riv'n with angel singing...

# Fa-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la

# Hosanna in excelsis. #

BUZZER

Technically, it's supposed to be "Gloria", isn't it?

# Glo-oh-oh... #

Next up...

# Deck the hall with boughs of holly

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

# Tis this season to be jolly

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

ALL: # Fill the mead cup drain the barrel

# Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

# Troll the ancient Christmas Carol

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. #

That's absolutely outstanding.

Thank you very much to our Christmas carollers.

You were brilliant. You were nailing those fa-la-la-la-las!

Well done. Nick, next up.

Please welcome Ainsley Harriott.

Merry Christmas, guys!

Sorry to disturb you!

Ainsley is here for a little bit of a Christmas food challenge.

So, Nick, if I could please ask you

to place this blindfold over yourself.

Ainsley is going to feed you

some well-known Christmas foods.

And all you have to do, Nick, is to tell us what they are.

So the first one is headed towards you now.

-Here it comes.

-Open wide.

OK, Nick.

What could that be?

Pigs in blankets.

Too easy for him.

Pigs in blankets! All right.

Food number two.

I know you haven't finished your previous bite,

but we're trying to make this as authentic as possible

to Christmas Day.

-And what one's that?

-That's a bit of stuffing.

Yes, a bit of stuffing, it is!

You're two for two on the Christmas food challenge.

Brussels sprouts.

Too easy! Too easy.

He hasn't swallowed any of this yet!

-I know.

-Come on then, Ainsley.

Little soft one coming now.

What was that one, Nick?

Um, I don't know.

Any guesses? Shove in some more!

-Jog his memory.

-Well done, Nick.

Love the hairy chest.

Ainsley!

Ring any bells, that one?

-Recognise that?

-Mashed potato?

BUZZER

Unfortunately, that's not the correct answer.

-One more coming in.

-One more.

This is going to finish you off completely.

I want some!

-And it is?

-Christmas pudding.

Yes!

Stop the bedside clock and good night.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aaah!

Well done! Nick and Frankie, ladies and gentlemen.

Fantastic!

Thank you so, so much.

Well, there's so much to ask you, but how was that to watch?

-Bit embarrassing.

-You did very well.

-Thank you.

-You did very well.

I thought that was very sweet, "Lucky I love ya."

"Lucky I love ya." Wasn't that sweet, ladies and gentlemen?

"Lucky I love ya."

So after this happened, everything OK, get back to bed?

-No.

-No.

-I didn't sleep.

I didn't sleep for a good three or four nights.

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry. I've ruined your sleep maybe forever!

Thank you so, so much for setting him up.

Thank you for being so brilliant.

Of course you win your iconic

Christmas Midnight Gameshow "do not disturb" sign.

You'll get back to sleep now, to ensure this doesn't happen again.

Also I have a no-eyed deer here

for you, there is a deer,

there's your no-eyed-deer.

And of course, let's not forget some bread sauce to

remember the occasion.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our Christmas Midnight Gameshow and the incredible Nick

and "you're lucky I love ya", it's Frankie.

Thank you very much.

Thank you guys, thank you so, so much. Fantastic.

Time now for another Christmas treat.

He is simply one of the funniest men in the world.

And who doesn't love Baileys at Christmas?

It's Bill Bailey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So.

Christmas, a time of reflection.

No more so than right now when my wife and I are contemplating our

20 years of marriage. And... Yes.

WHOOPS

And we're looking back to the time when we first met,

reminiscing about those heady romantic days

when she used to ask me questions that I did not know the answer to.

Questions like, "What are you thinking?"

Blokes, we're a little bit more simplistic, aren't we?

We're a little bit more straightforward.

We don't tend to overthink things.

Domesticated blokes like myself, we've figured it out.

Basically, it's this.

Carry stuff, try not to get in the way, and then we die.

LAUGHTER

Now, women want a bit more than that, though.

Blokes tend to drift off, during emotional conversations.

But that works to our advantage.

When we're gazing off into the middle distance,

a wistful, yet vacant look on our faces,

women often mistake that for intelligence.

When we're looking off like that, we've gone into like,

a sort of power-saving mode.

We might be watching the sunset.

"What are you thinking?" Honestly?

I'm thinking about a sandwich I had in 2002.

Or we might be sitting at the kitchen table

going through the accounts,

I'm looking like I'm listening, "Yeah, oh, yeah."

But what I'm actually thinking is, "If I had a long, thin, bendy neck,

"I could see what's under the fridge."

And we might be out for our anniversary dinner

and she's looking across the table, we've got a candle,

it's very romantic and she might say, "What are you thinking?"

And I might say,

"Well, I'm thinking about what we might do when we get home."

Ooh! Oh. And what would that be?

Well, I'm thinking,

if I lie down next to the bathroom scales,

could I weigh my own head?

Yeah, you're laughing now. You'll be trying that later on.

Now, I love carols.

Even the depressing ones.

Yeah, like In The Bleak Midwinter.

Cos that's pretty downbeat, isn't it? But the music is upbeat.

It's in the major key.

# In the bleak mid winter frosty wind made moan

# Earth as hard as iron Water like a stone... #

Oi!

You know, it's upbeat.

And what I love about that is

there's a kind of a poignancy given to it

because the lyric is downbeat, but the music is upbeat.

There's a conflict there and I think that's why I love it.

It's one of my favourite carols.

I think this could benefit a lot of other songs that are quite bland,

like, you know...

# You are my sunshine

# My only sunshine...#

Much better in the minor key.

# You are my sunshine My only sunshine

# You make me happy

# When skies are grey

# You'll never know, dear How much I love you

# Oh, please don't take my sunshine away. #

Also, I'm using melody there,

I'm using harmony, melody, minor and major keys.

Now, you can use this to improve all kinds of music.

Now, mobile phone ringtones, a bit of a scourge,

a bit of an annoyance of the modern age.

You know, things like this, a common ringtone.

RINGTONE PLAYS

You can improve it by playing along with it, in a kind of counterpoint.

I like to join in, like this.

Here's the ringtone, here's the counterpoint.

It sounds a bit better. Now...

APPLAUSE

If you want to...go that extra mile,

you can add more instruments

and turn it into a little ringtone symphony, like this.

PLAYS RINGTONE

ADDS BACKGROUND CHORD

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!

PLAYS SAMPLE

PLAYS COUNTERPOINT

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

I'd like to finish up tonight by playing on the Christmas bells.

And for this I have a helper, a special helper,

please welcome back on the stage Mr Michael McIntyre!

-Are you ready for this?

-Thank you.

Here we go.

Now we have to get over to the bells sharpish, here we go.

Some beautiful cowbells.

-I'm ready.

-Some beautiful Christmas carols.

PLAYS MELODY OF SILENT NIGHT

Ready?

Yes!

Absolutely sensational, Bill Bailey.

What about that? Take a bow, Bill, that was absolutely amazing.

Thank you very much, Merry Christmas!

Thank you so, so much.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

it is time to find out what replies Alesha Dixon

has received in our Christmas Send To All!

So...

This is the message that I sent to her contacts earlier tonight.

"I'm mixing things up this year.

"I'd like to invite you round for Christmas Day.

"It's SO fun.

"I sing hits from my back catalogue

"and judge presents BGT style.

"Everyone brings something. Louis Walsh is on potatoes,

"Tess Daly's on eggnog and Craig David is dressing up as Santa.

"PLEASE come and let me know what you can bring."

Christmas tree emoji, triple kiss.

-Alesha.

-Hey.

-Hi, Azuka.

-Hey.

You're just as cool as I remember.

So...let's have a quick look.

Paddy McGuinness.

Oh, no!

Paddy McGuinness has replied,

"I can bring three children under the age of five

"and pick them up when the pub closes.

That's Paddy.

Stephen Mulhern has just texted.

-Oh! Oh! They replied back.

-Stephen Mulhern has said,

"I'll come as Father Christmas and give you all a treat from my sack.

"It's always full."

OK!

Nadine Coyle.

"Louis Walsh is doing potatoes??

"Come to mine instead!"

"Come to mine instead!"

Ha, ha, and then the little kissing emoji.

Donna the woodworks...

-Oh, yeah.

-Who's that?

-She's just currently doing my kitchen in my...

She's from a company called wood works and she does...

She's a designer. Yes, she's...

Doing the kitchen. "We are absolutely gutted to miss this" -

sad face -

"but Richard and I are away this Christmas,

"obviously going after we have finished your kitchen.

"It is so lovely for you guys to invite us.

"We would absolutely have loved

"to have come and we are so touched as it's super thoughtful

"of you to invite us.

"Love you guys.

"Big hugs."

I think I'm going to reply to that.

"When are you back from holiday? We'll delay Christmas."

No, don't reply!

Oh, dear. That is so...

-They're so touched.

-That's funny.

She's turned to her husband and she's gone,

"I've just got the loveliest invitation."

She's not questioned it at all.

You know, "Google Craig David.

"Apparently, he's going to be dressed up as Santa, that's so fun!

"I love Louis Walsh.

"He's probably good at potatoes, being from Ireland."

That's so funny. OK.

-Aston.

-That's Aston Merrygold from JLS.

WHOOPING Aaah.

He's coming, I can tell you that.

He's just replied, "Coming, with jerk chicken, rice and peas."

Aston is IN!

He's on jerk chicken brief, it's Christmas.

OK, let's keep moving.

Vicky. Ah, Vicky.

-Vicky?

-Is my best friend.

Yeah, she is so onto this.

-What does she say?

-"Only if Michael McIntyre's going to be there!"

Ah, there you go!

Er...

Richard Arnold. He's on breakfast television.

-Showbiz Richard.

-TV reviews, bit of showbiz.

Yes, what did he say?

"I would do, but my mother is electronically tagged."

There's more, there's more.

He says, "I would do,

"but my mother is electronically tagged and can't leave the house.

"Astonishingly, really,

"she's 80 and can scarcely lift herself out of her seat,

"but she can still lift a frozen chicken from Tesco's.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my goodness!

Ladies and gentlemen, so, so fun,

what a busy Christmas day you're going to have.

Thank you so much, what a great Send To All.

Alesha Dixon and of course Azuka!

Thank you so much both of you, you were absolutely brilliant.

Thank you.

So...

Ladies and gentlemen,

earlier tonight John dressed as Santa and came down the chimney,

shot through the fireplace and arrived on this very stage.

Since then, he's been rehearsing for the biggest performance of his life.

Let's have a little look at how John has been getting on since that

incredible surprise earlier.

I feel as if I'm dreaming.

We were, like, coming down to London,

and I've just seen Michael McIntyre.

Hey, Johnny!

The dog's fine, the dog's fine!

Santa! He seemed very shocked that he'd been lied to!

We've got 40 choir singing with you.

-Oh, wow.

-So you have to make sure you lead the way for them.

When you hear 40 singers in a gospel choir and a solo voice,

there's something really magical about that, but it's really

important not to get lost in that sound,

so he's got to kind of really ride

that beautiful vocal.

I just need to stop shaking

and go for it, hopefully.

Give it up for John!

That was a privilege, just to sing with yous.

Having a choir behind you, oh, it was the best feeling,

so doing it on a big stage will be something else, I think.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome our Unexpected Star

of our Christmas show, it's John!

# O holy night

# The stars are brightly shining

# It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth

# Long lay the world

# In sin and error pining

# Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth

# A thrill of hope

# The weary world rejoices

# For yonder breaks

# A new and glorious morn

# Fall on your knees

# O hear the angel voices

# O night divine

# O night when Christ was born

# O night divine

# O night

# O night divine

# Truly He taught us

# To love one another

# His law is love and His gospel is peace

# Sweet hymns of joy

# In grateful chorus raise we

# Let all within us praise His holy name

# Fall on your knees

# Oh, hear the angel voices

# O night

# Divine

# O night when Christ was born

# O night

# Divine

# O night

# O night divine. #

WILD APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, that was amazing.

What about that? It's our unexpected star of the show, it's John!

What about that?

Come on, Mum. Come up.

Come on, Mum. Come on, Cathy!

Oh, I love you. Are you mad at me?

Mum said you were awesome, John.

Tell them how you feel after that.

It's... It still doesn't feel real!

John, that was unbelievably good.

That was absolutely sensational.

Wasn't it, ladies and gentlemen? That was incredible.

What a magical, special moment, really.

It has been an absolute privilege, especially to sing with these guys, who are phenomenal.

You've literally stolen this show.

-You've been amazing.

-Thank you.

The unexpected star of our Christmas show, thank you so much, John,

thank you for getting him down here, it was sensational.

Ladies and gentlemen, Merry Christmas!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Incredible.