Episode 5 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight, on my Big Show,

Miranda Hart hands over her mobile phone to play Send To All.

There's music from pop megastar Niall Horan

and comedy from the brilliant Jon Richardson.

There's another edition of the Midnight Gameshow.

And who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show.

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.

APPLAUSE

MONSTER LAUGHS

Yay!

Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to my Big Show!

CHEERING

Yes, we are going to have, of course, big stars,

big laughs and even bigger surprises!

CHEERING

We will be playing my favourite game in the whole wide world

which would be Send To All, ladies and gentlemen. It's a good one.

CHEERING

And, of course, we'll be surprising another Unexpected Star of the show!

CHEERING

And I will be sneaking into another bedroom

for another Midnight Gameshow!

CHEERING

OK, so, this year I was invited...

It sounds like I'm showing off, and I am!

I was invited to the Wimbledon men's final.

You can't go to a better sporting occasion.

AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS I know, I know,

I can feel the jealousy. It was very exciting.

But tennis is a fun game, but there's a lot of faffing involved.

I like football. I don't know what sports you enjoy,

but I like football because it's gung ho, it's all action.

The whistle goes, everybody's kicking the ball,

trying to get it in the net,

with a little bit more panache than I'm exhibiting right now.

There's a bit of faffing when the ball goes off

and they have to throw it back in. This is what I mean by faffing,

when there's no action, when they don't quite know who to throw to.

You can feel the crowd get restless.

Come on! Throw the ball. There you go, there you go.

But in tennis, it's a great sport,

but get on with hitting it to each other.

All the balls are the same, OK. They're all the same.

They should just throw them a ball and go, "Play the sport.

"We've queued through the night. Get on with it!"

And they go up to these sweet ball boys and go,

"You, I want a ball from you." They are so nervy.

They struggle so hard to get the balls because they run

and sometimes the balls go over there and they have to run...

LAUGHTER

They throw the ball and then the player just hits it away.

No, I don't want that ball.

You, give me two balls, two balls.

I still haven't quite made my decision which one I prefer.

Is it that one or that one?

I'm looking for the fluffiest of the two.

I know you've paid, but wait, wait your turn.

Soon I will play the sport that you have come to witness.

OK, I've made my decision. Just some bouncing and looking now.

Just bounce and look. Even though I'm not on play,

I'm going to whack my foot. I'm whacking.

Bouncing, focus.

All right, so, I'm going to play the sport.

Here we go, it's happening. OK, there it is.

Bang, I just served one. Ace. Ace, that's it.

All they've done is move their arm. That's it.

You, I need a towel, I need a towel.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm completely exhausted. Did you see me?

Did you see me do that with my arm once?

Too much faffing!

Cricket is nearly 100% faffing.

You're supposed to bowl the ball to a man who has to hit it with a bat.

That is cricket. But that's not happening enough.

All right, get the ball to the bowler,

but they have to go through the whole field.

I could throw it directly to him, but do you want some?

LAUGHTER

Thank you, yes. I'm not happy with the condition of the ball.

Do you want a little go over there? There you go. Thank you.

Half an hour later. Are you actually the bowler?

Sorry, I got lost in the game, my own little game of clean,

my cleaning game that I play with my friends. Are you ready?

Yes, I'm the bowler. All right, OK.

Still not happy with the condition of the ball.

Now, where are you all standing? You, have you slightly...

Just move slightly.

Stop! I'm happy with you there, I don't know why. I prefer it.

When was the last time the ball went to you?

Day two? Oh, yesterday. LAUGHTER

OK, you. Just slightly closer. Stop!

All right, I'm nearly ready. I'm nearly ready to do the sport. OK.

Here we go. I'm just going to rock a couple of times.

OK, you've waited this long.

You might as well just enjoy this rocking and focusing, all right.

OK, here it is. It's going to happen now. I'm coming in.

And then they bowl and the batsman goes,

"No, I don't think I'll hit that one."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Stop faffing!

Who would like to play Send To All?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's a good one.

So, let's find out who is in our Send To All box this week.

Oh, it's bona fide, wonderful,

it's the sensational Miranda Hart. It is Miranda!

CHEERING Miranda!

-Thank you.

-Doesn't even need a surname. Miranda.

Hello, darling. Thank you for coming.

-Pleasure.

-Can I ask you who you're with tonight?

-My sister, Alice.

-Hi, Alice.

-Hi.

-And my friend, Jo.

-Hi, Alice and Jo.

-Hi.

Hi, welcome. Welcome. So, how have you been? How are you?

-I'm very well, thank you.

-I gather you've written another book.

-Yes.

-You've written a lot of books.

-Yeah, I have.

I've been writing mainly the last two years.

I've got a kids' book out at the moment

called The Girl With The Lost Smile.

Thanks for asking. Available in all good retailers. And, yeah...

-Don't worry about Send To All.

-I'm a bit worried.

There's nothing to fear. Are you a bit of a phone person?

-Are you on your phone a lot?

-Yeah, I realise I am

-and I want to be less so.

-We're all trying.

-We're all trying.

We're all addicted on some level, aren't we?

-I reach for the phone the first thing in the morning.

-Yeah.

Do you say hello to your phone before you say hello to your wife?

Yes, I do. In fact, I text her.

LAUGHTER

Morning!

All right, well, if you'd like to place it into the cushion...

-Right.

-..I will then be in possession of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, playing Send To All tonight,

the fabulous Miranda's here.

CHEERING

# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #

-Nice.

-Nice song.

# It's never too late to try

# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #

All right, I am now in possession of Miranda's mobile telephone!

Thank you, darling.

So, I'm going to plug this in

and that should hopefully be revealed on the screen.

There it is, yay! APPLAUSE

-Oh. AUDIENCE:

-Aw.

-Who's that?

-That's Peggy.

-Oh, Peggy.

-Yeah.

-She's a lovely person.

-She's a dog, Michael.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, I thought dog owners think their dogs are people, no?

-Some take it to that level.

-OK.

So, photos.

Oh, yeah! Ooh, hello!

-There's Peggy.

-I mean, yeah.

Peggy in your robe. OK, all right.

Oh, this...

LAUGHTER

What's all this about? MIRANDA LAUGHS

That, a fan sent me a photograph

of a Miranda that they had made out of papier-mache.

-That is amazing. Is this another one?

-That's another one.

Weirdly, from a separate fan,

so I don't know what fans of mine are doing.

-Shrivelled legs.

-LAUGHTER

-So, that's an amazing thing that people are doing.

-Yeah.

-Did you ask them to do that?

-No.

-They just like to make you.

Oh, hello. What's going on here?

That was a hilarious Instagram post.

-Is there anything in my teeth?

-LAUGHTER

OK, good. This is you in your new swimming pool.

Yeah, a friend bought me a paddling pool.

No, don't zoom in!

Sorry, I was zooming in to the magazine.

Don't zoom in, don't zoom in! Sorry, you're quite right. Zoom out.

-OK, let's get on with this text.

-Oh, no!

No, it's a fun one. You really don't need to worry. OK, here we go.

The text we're going to send out of Miranda's phone is,

"Texting from the loo

"at Buck Pal."

LAUGHTER

"At a super awkward dinner."

Sorry, am I just constantly going to dinner with the Royals? What?

-It's how people see you.

-Oh, right.

"I'm sat between

"the President of Switzerland..."

LAUGHTER

"..and a competition winner."

LAUGHTER

-OK, I believe it more now.

-"Brackets,

"neither of whom...

"..has seen Miranda.

"We're just staring at each other.

"My only contribution so far

"has been a silent fart."

LAUGHTER

"Need conversation starters quick.

"If you come up with something good,

"I'll steal you some royal loo roll."

-So, how would you end a text, Miranda?

-Um, two kisses.

Two kisses, OK.

So, we're putting this all on them, Miranda.

Conversation starters from your learned, wise, humorous friends

to help you out of this pickle. The text is as follows.

"Texting from the loo at Buck Pal.

"At a super awkward dinner.

"I'm sat between the President of Switzerland

"and a competition winner (neither of whom has seen Miranda.)

"We're just staring at each other.

"My only contribution so far has been a silent fart.

"Need conversation starters quick!

"If you come up with something good, I'll steal you some royal loo roll."

Miranda, I'm told you have

-a sensational number of people in your phone.

-Oh, really?

So, we are going to send to 238 people

your silent fart, awkward dinner, conversation starter text

and we're going to send that now!

-No!

-Yay!

Ladies and gentlemen, a huge thank you

for the extraordinarily brilliant and hilarious Miranda!

Yes. Thank you, darling. It's a fun one. It's a fun one.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time to find out

who is going to be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show.

Every week, on the Big Show,

we surprise a member of the public who has a passion for singing

and give them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to perform

on this West End stage for you and the millions watching at home.

So, here is tonight's Unexpected Star.

This is Dr Ciara Mackey.

Ciara lives in Belfast.

She is an A&E doctor. There she is with her selfie,

beginning her shift of helping people and saving people.

She paid for herself to go through medical school by singing in pubs.

She's never sung for an audience like this ever before.

She's been nominated by her boyfriend, Simon,

and she thinks that she has been whisked away

from her home in Belfast to London for a romantic break.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Ciara and Simon have flown to London,

the city we're in currently...

LAUGHTER

..and he's treating her to a surprise night at the Grand Hotel.

Except the Grand Hotel does not exist, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, we are transforming this theatre into the Grand Hotel.

The inside of this auditorium -

I hope you've been to the loo -

is on lockdown.

We have to stay in here

because we have rebranded everything outside of the theatre.

So, let's have a little look at what the theatre looked like

when you yourselves arrived.

That is where you entered the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane.

So, here it is now, ladies and gentlemen.

There is reception and those are all actors waiting.

Sorry, is that a still or are those people...? That's actually...

If the receptionist is listening, can he just wiggle his bottom?

There you go.

I was worried that it wasn't real.

MICHAEL LAUGHS

So, those people are frozen in time in the reception of the Grand Hotel.

So, she's going to come to this hotel.

Ultimately she's coming down a corridor with her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, the bellboy will be saying,

"It's a cosy room but, really, it's all about the view."

She's going to come into the hotel room and then, obviously,

the view is behind the curtain and it's all of you.

You will be the view. Let's do that.

So, let's chat to her mum, Liz, and her friends.

Woohoo!

Hi, Liz. It's Liz. It's Ciara's mother.

And we've got some friends too.

-Ciara.

-Hi, Ciara, lovely to meet you.

And Siobhan. So, Liz, tell us all about Ciara.

-She's been working last night?

-She has.

I mean, Ciara works, well, like all doctors.

-These two girls are the same. They work 12-hour shifts.

-Right.

-She's actually been on nights.

-You're doctors as well?

-Yeah.

-Both of them are.

-This is very good.

Because it's such a shock for the Unexpected Stars

we have a paramedic that's on standby.

But I feel like you've got that covered. Tell me about her voice.

She's been singing since she was, like, three or four.

She can kind of do opera, she can do pop, she can do anything, really.

Tell us about her relationship with Simon, her boyfriend.

-How long has that been going on?

-Well, about two years.

And I think he is a brave man to have done what he's done.

I hope that this all goes to plan

because she's coming into this bedroom.

-I hope that she opens the curtains.

-Yeah.

And doesn't do something unexpected?

-She doesn't do something completely unexpected.

-OK.

IN IRISH ACCENT: Oh, Simon darling, it's been such a long trip.

I love a cosy room. Let's try the bed out.

No! No! No!

Thank you so, so much.

-Thank YOU so much.

-It's Ciara's lovely mother, Liz.

-Thank you.

Thank you so much, thank you.

All right, thanks, girls.

I am going to go and take a look now at the Grand Hotel. Let's do this.

CHEERING

OK, so, hopefully, you should see me.

Have I popped up on the screen yet?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

-So, here we are.

We're outside. This is the Theatre Royal. This is Drury Lane.

How are you? Sterling work, sterling work.

No idea who that is, but we seem to get on well.

How are you? There's a lot of security.

Yes, cos we can't let anyone close to the place.

We're going to move round now to the front of the theatre.

Here we go. So, this is it. This is now the front of the theatre.

Grand Hotel. It's four stars.

It was three-star, but the last one is an "unexpected star".

LAUGHTER

What's going to happen, Ciara is going to arrive here

in her Mercedes and she'll be taken through.

These people are actors, they're not real.

They're cold and they're doing a wonderful job.

Now, let's go through into our frozen lobby.

So, up we go to the red carpet and, of course, as you remember,

everybody is frozen here.

The doorman, we've got tourists,

people on their phones over here, chatting. This is our security.

And, if I hit this bell, everybody should come to life.

BELL RINGS

APPLAUSE

They're going to check in here

and be taken up by the bellboy, Jamie.

And I'll show you the route.

So, we go through here,

into the grand staircase, where we have our pianist over here and...

HE PLAYS THE PIANO

That is our theme music on the piano.

I love the risks we're taking!

And, of course, our tourists. Yeah, you can start too. Very good.

So, up we go.

They'll be led to their rooms by the bellboy,

all the way through the corridor.

On you go, darling. LAUGHTER

So, here we have other people's bags, people loitering,

all the details.

These two planning their day tomorrow. Off you go.

LAUGHTER

All right, we move along here.

A lot of the theatre stuff obviously works for both.

And then, we're having some renovation over here,

so we've got a decorator, obviously,

because the centre royal box is in here and this gentleman is...

I'm going to be honest with you, he's working

just about as hard right now as the builders I have at home.

LAUGHTER

If only I had the ability in my own house to do this.

What am I paying you for? OK, so, through we go,

where we now move... Yay!

Someone's room service has been left over here and we have...

Actually, on this occasion,

I might take advantage of the fact that she's frozen.

LAUGHTER

Here is our gentleman struggling with his key.

Yep, so he'll be back struggling with the key there.

That is a very familiar scene. Nice to see you.

And then we come to room 212.

Hiya, how are you doing? LAUGHTER

And into this incredibly disappointing...

We have a Corby trouser press over here.

This is obviously a fake door so, good luck going to the loo.

We've got the TV over here.

So, what's going to happen is the bellboy will go,

"I know it's a cosy but, really, we're here for the view.

"It's simply life-changing." And then...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And there you all will be!

Whoa!

Whoa!

God, I hope that works!

All right, we've got to put this back now,

cos that really would ruin everything.

LAUGHTER

All right, so, let's do this.

So, we have a tracker on Ciara's car

and, that's her, the arrow.

Argh, that's her coming! Ciara is there.

She's just gone past the British Museum and a Travelodge,

which is probably a better hotel than we're offering.

LAUGHTER

They are now very, very close.

They're going the wrong way.

Why are they going the wrong way?

If we just watch them drive back to Ireland,

we'll know they've had a bit of a barney in the car

and all this was for nothing.

If he doesn't turn right, I'm really confused.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh.

They'll be coming from the left in a Mercedes.

All right, this is them, ladies and gentlemen.

-So, exiting that vehicle.

-Good evening. Welcome to the Grand Hotel.

-Thank you.

-That is Ciara.

-Just wait one moment, I'll escort you through.

-Thank you.

-Did you have a good journey?

-Yes.

-Take the bags in for them.

She seems to like it. She likes it.

I'll escort these people through to reception. Good evening, sir.

-Welcome to the Grand Hotel.

-Thank you.

-This way, please.

-DRIVER:

-Sure?

-Yes, thank you.

-Have a good stay.

-Thanks very much.

-Thanks very much.

Reception over there. I hope you have a very pleasant stay.

OK, thank you.

OK, she seems to like it.

OK, Diane, if you can hear me, just turn and say,

"Sorry, guys. Full disclosure. I've just passed wind."

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry. Full disclosure. I've just passed wind.

LAUGHTER

Say, "Are you guys on a romantic break?"

-Are you guys on a romantic break?

-Yes.

-Yes.

I'm here with my toy boy.

-I'm here with my toy boy.

-He's a real hunk.

-He's a real hunk.

-I'm waiting for him.

-Send in Robert, the toy boy.

Oh, there he is!

-LAUGHTER

-Hey.

Hey, honey.

Hot stuff. What did I tell you?

So, the receptionist, can you just finish checking them in?

Jamie, could you show Mr and Mrs Dressel to their room?

There you go. It's 501.

Now, Robert, I want you to say, "We're checking out."

-We're checking out.

-Everyone's checking YOU out, honey.

-Everyone's checking YOU out, honey.

-LAUGHTER

OK, all right. Oh, she's cracking up over there. She's cracking up.

Let's let her laugh a bit.

Now, when the guy's not looking, steal the bell

and tell Ciara to shush.

Steal the bell.

Ssh...

LAUGHTER

OK, now the receptionist, say, "I'll just call for your bags,"

and try and hit the bell.

I'll just call for your bags.

-LAUGHTER

-Where's the bell?

There was a bell there.

Did you take the bell?

No, I don't like bells.

Ask Simon and Ciara if they know anything about the bell.

Excuse me, do you know anything about the bell?

-Did you see anything about the bell?

-No.

-Security, come over.

Take her to one side.

I'm sorry, I'm just going to take you to one side, please.

-Just over there.

-What's the problem?

-You seem a bit bulky.

-How dare you!

-Can I ask you to open your jacket, please?

-ROBERT:

-Huh?

You haven't done it again?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You got me.

-OK, you're going to need to both come with me.

-That way, please. Come on, come on.

-It was included in the room.

OK, apologise and let's check you in.

I'm sorry, I've never seen anything like that before.

-How are you both?

-Fine.

-You've pre-checked in, haven't you?

-Yeah.

-That's great. Excellent. Let me give you that, take that back.

-Cheers.

-It's room to 212. Jamie. You'll love the view.

-OK, thanks.

-JAMIE:

-Come on through.

-Thank you.

-Have you travelled far?

-From Ireland.

-Belfast, yeah.

Ah, OK, nice. So, just up these stairs.

PIANIST PLAYS BIG SHOW THEME TUNE

PIANIST CONTINUES TO PLAY

-After you.

-Come on through. Sorry about this area, guys.

We're just having some work done.

212, just this way. I'll just go in front, sorry.

-Hi, how are you?

-Just along here.

Excuse me, this key card's not working.

OK, sir, if you just pop back to reception

-and they'll get you a new one cut.

-Thank you very much.

-OK, there's the key card.

-Thanks very much.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-Oh, lovely!

-It is a cosy room,

-however, the view is absolutely amazing.

-Ah.

-The view?

-The view's amazing.

-Thank you.

-Check it out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What?

Ladies and gentlemen...

..it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Ciara.

Ciara...I understand that's a bit of a shock.

There's your mum over there, there's your friends.

Hiding behind the curtain is your very, very guilty boyfriend.

But what about that, Simon?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come with me.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's our incredibly shocked Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Ciara at the Grand Hotel!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right. Oh, my goodness!

I know. Even I'm in shock.

-Ciara, we're all here...

-You're Michael McIntyre.

I am, I am, I am. LAUGHTER

You were very sweet not to be incredibly disappointed

with that room. Come over here.

You can see, actually, everybody in the lobby. There they all are.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They are all actors and they've all been waiting here to surprise you.

-We've turned the whole theatre into a hotel.

-Oh, wow.

It meant that we couldn't leave the auditorium,

which has made some people quite uncomfortable.

How are you feeling?

What's happening?

-You're here on a romantic break with Simon.

-Yes.

-How's that been going?

It's... It's going very well, yeah.

And more people than I thought.

More of an audience in the bedroom than one expected.

-There's two and a half thousand people here.

-OK.

We're all here to surprise you

because you're going to be something called - if you'll agree -

the Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

-That's why you're here, that's why you've been nominated.

-OK.

So, you will come back on this very stage.

My question to you, Ciara, is would you like to play us out

at the end of this show, to sing for us

and be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?

Um, sure.

We've got ourselves a "sure"!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Ciara. Amazing!

CHEERING

We'll get your bags. Hold on.

Don't forget your bag, Ciara. There you go. Off you go.

-They're waiting there to meet you.

-Can I get my other bag?

Yes, you can get your other bag.

You're absolutely right. You've got your handbag. Is this Simon's bag?

-Yeah.

-Hold on, let me sort this out. You've got your bags. Sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show, Ciara.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the most handsome, charming,

Irish 20-something I've ever met.

He's a global pop superstar and I love this song!

Singing Slow Hands, it's Niall Horan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# "We should take this back to my place"

# That's what she said right to my face

# Cos I want you bad

# Yeah, I want you, baby

# I've been thinking 'bout it all day

# And I hope you feel the same way, yeah

# Cos I want you bad

# Yeah, I want you, baby

# Slow, slow hands

# Like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry

# No, no chance

# That I'm leaving here without you on me

# I, I know

# Yeah, I already know that there ain't no stopping

# Your plans and those... #

-AUDIENCE:

-# Slow hands. #

-Woo!

# Slow hands

# I just wanna take my time

# We could do this, baby, all night, yeah

# Cos I want you bad

# Yeah, I want you, baby

# Slow, slow hands

# Like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry

# No, no chance

# That I'm leaving here without you on me

# I, I know

# Yeah, I already know that there ain't no stopping

# Your plans and those... #

-AUDIENCE:

-# Slow hands. #

-Woo!

# Fingertips puttin' on a show

# Got me now and I can't say no

# Wanna be with you all alone

# Take me home, take me home

# Fingertips puttin' on a show

# Can't you tell that I want you, baby, yeah

# Slow hands

# Like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry

# No, no chance

# That I'm leaving here without you on me

# I, I know

# Yeah, I already know that there ain't no stopping

# Slow hands

# Like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry

# No, no chance

# That I'm leaving here without you on me

# I, I know

# Yeah, I already know that there ain't no stopping

# Your plans and those... #

-AUDIENCE:

-# Slow hands. #

-Woo!

# These slow hands

# Woo, slow hands. #

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Niall Horan, ladies and gentlemen!

Woo!

# Slow Hands, you know. #

Thank you, Niall. Thank you for being here.

Girls love you! Girls love you!

SCREAMING

Girls don't scream at me. My wife screams at me but not in this way.

Anyway, I love that bit - the "woo".

-Yeah.

-Can I do one? Can I do one?

# Your plans and those slow hands

# Ooh! #

Pretty good, pretty good. Listen, congratulations.

-You have a brand-new album which is out to buy.

-Yes, indeed.

-And it is called Flicker.

-Yes.

-Flicker. I've seen the posters.

-You're such a handsome man. That song is awesome.

-Thanks very much.

All of the songs are awesome. Many congratulations.

One more time for the fantastic and the wonderful...

Thank you for being here. It's Niall Horan. Thank you very much.

Thank you, really appreciate it.

Woo!

Woo!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play the Midnight Gameshow!

CHEERING

This is no ordinary game show, ladies and gentlemen.

The contestants of the Midnight Gameshow had no idea

they would be taking part.

They went to sleep, safe and sound, tucked up in their beds,

only to be awoken in the dead of night

by me and a camera crew to answer a series of questions

while semiconscious, in the Midnight Gameshow!

CHEERING

Yes, this is the only game, indeed, where if you snooze...

-AUDIENCE:

-You lose!

Tonight's contestant is Johnny.

He's a 29-year-old tailor from Enfield,

and he was set up by his girlfriend, Toni. Johnny, where are you?

Go on, Johnny. Johnny's down here, ladies and gentlemen.

Big hand for Johnny. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Go on, Johnny, nice to see you.

-Nice to see you again.

Oh, Toni, you look so beautiful and handsome and charming and wonderful.

-Cos I've only ever met you once.

-Yeah. I wasn't wearing many clothes.

-Tell me, Toni, of course, set you up for this.

-Yeah.

Toni, why would you do such a thing to Johnny?

-Johnny loves to have a good laugh.

-Right.

-He likes to be a fun guy.

-I did have a little...

-Little worry.

-A little worry.

But what do you remember of the night,

leading up to the Midnight Gameshow, Johnny?

Before I went to bed, I was in the garden, just taking out the bins

and, when I closed the back door, I actually broke the back door lock.

-So, my last thought, going back to bed was...

-Oh, dear!

-..you know, I've got to fix the lock or someone might break in.

-Oh.

That's the last thing I thought about.

Well, this might explain this very, very extreme reaction.

I went in second, behind the cameraman,

who has never been more frightened.

He thought... He thought you were going to take him down.

Well, thank you so much for setting him up.

Shall we take a look at what happened

in Johnny's Midnight Gameshow?

All right. This is Johnny in the Midnight Gameshow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-Whoa!

-Johnny!

Welcome to the Midnight Gameshow!

-Is this a joke?

-Thanks to your beautiful girlfriend, Toni.

Yes, the bedside clock is ticking.

Are you going to get back in bed and answer the following questions?

Gather your composure.

He's ready for it. You can relax.

Do you want to get back and comfortable in bed?

All right. Here we go.

Name three types of biscuit.

-Hobnob.

-He's off.

-McVitie's, digestive.

-You're absolutely flying, Johnny.

We'll keep moving on.

Right, I need a doctor's help for this next question.

Here is our doctor, Johnny.

LAUGHTER

Right, this is a pointer.

What I'd like you to do, Johnny, is please point to the clavicle.

The clavicle.

Ooh, ooh...

LAUGHTER

Johnny, that is the wrong... Oh, little bit of help from Toni.

-This one?

-That's...the right answer. OK, thank you to the doctor.

Johnny, this is an orang-utan.

These primates are native to Indonesia and Malaysia

and are the largest tree-dwelling animal

in the world. LAUGHTER

Come on in. He's a little bit shy.

Right, so this is our orang-utan.

He's quite friendly.

No, don't go... No! Don't go under there.

No, that's not OK. That's not allowed.

All right, so, now, what I'd like you to do

is try to beat the orang-utan, Johnny,

in a simple game of rock, paper, scissors.

Best of three. OK, one, two, three.

Right, that is 1-0 to the orang-utan.

He's quite strong. One, two, three.

-Oh!

-Oh, it's 2-0. Thank you. Oh!

Thank you very much, orang-utan.

OK, all right. He hit me a bit there on the face.

Was that supposed to be part of it?

Goodness me!

Now, I would like you to sing the theme tune

of the TV show that this person starred in.

LAUGHTER

Er, I can't tell you.

-What's the show?

-Dancing With The Stars.

-No. Strictly Come Dancing.

-That's it!

Oh, God! What's the song?

I'll start you off. # Da. #

-LAUGHTER

-# Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. #

-No, that's not it, is it?

-Keep going, Johnny.

# Da, da, da, da, da, da... #

# Da, da... # I don't know.

# Da, da, da, da, da, da, da... #

LAUGHTER

# Da, da, da, da, da, da, da... #

# Da, da, da... #

LAUGHTER

That's not it.

Right, now, Johnny, after your success with that one,

I'm now going to ask Ola to perform a dance

and all you have to do is name the dance.

Oh, cha-cha.

-Keep guessing. That's very close.

-Er, cancan.

-Keep going, keep guessing, keep guessing.

-The samba.

Keep going, keep going.

You're on fire, but it's actually the wrong answers.

Keep going, keep guessing.

-Oh, I know this.

-She's absolutely exhausted!

It does begin with C.

Chive.

That's a herb. LAUGHTER

Cha-cha slide.

Oh, go on.

Seriously...

-The Charle...

-The Charleston!

-Yeah!

-That's the correct answer!

Thank you very much, Ola Jordan. Stop the bedside clock.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No.

Maybe Michael McIntyre is like Santa and he's got a key to every house.

Oh, God. I almost had a heart attack.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Johnny, congratulations.

Thank you so, so much, Toni.

Oh, first off, the biscuits.

I mean, you were right in there.

Right off, "Hobnob". You completely composed yourself.

Were you having a dream about Hobnobs or something?

-I love biscuits, so...

-You love biscuits.

-Yeah.

That served you very well. Other than that, it was quite difficult.

Did you think that was a real orang-utan?

Yeah, it confused me. I didn't know what was going on.

It was the middle of the night. So, since then, has it been all right?

Has it been a bit tense at home?

I woke up the next day and I was in the shower

and I thought, "Was that a dream?" Cos Toni didn't wake up.

And I came out the bathroom and said, "What happened last night?"

And Toni was like, "What?"

LAUGHTER

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.

I very much hope you enjoyed it.

I can tell you, this is a game show,

and you do qualify for our iconic bronze "Do not disturb" sign.

You're one of the few people to own such a thing

and, of course, we have an orang-utan for you

to get you through the night.

And your favourite dance, the chive. There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Johnny and Toni

on the Midnight Gameshow!

Thank you so, so much.

Brilliant, lovely to meet you. Thank you for coming.

Brilliant. Johnny and Toni. Fantastic!

APPLAUSE Oh, Johnny!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

one of Britain's funniest and grumpiest men.

It's the hilarious, Jon Richardson's here!

Come on, Johnny!

CHEERING

Hello, there.

-CHEERING

-Lovely. That was a bit TOO much.

LAUGHTER

Big couple of years for me, big couple of years. I got married.

-CHEERING

-Thank you.

And then we got a bit comfortable.

You get in that phase, after you've been with someone a while,

you start to enjoy things. I thought we were getting a bit too much sleep

and not arguing enough, so we had a child.

LAUGHTER

See now, obviously, having a child puts a lot of strain

on the marriage, which is awkward, cos I feel that that's MY job.

Cos, when you love someone, you want them to get things right, don't you?

You want their lives to be perfect and that means, sometimes,

you have to point out when they've done something incorrectly.

I'm just picking the important ones, for the time being.

Like for example, my wife doesn't watch television correctly.

LAUGHTER

It would seem so simple. How could you get that wrong?

But she talks to me while it's on and that can't be right, can it?

I can't hear that and you as well, can I, at the same time?

She'll say something and I'll say, "Write it down.

"What do you think that notepad's for there?"

She's got one, I've got one.

You write it down and we'll talk afterwards. That's better, isn't it?

Very often, these issues resolve themselves.

You're watching telly. "I wonder what car the killer drives,"

and then you see it and go, "Oh, I can cross that one out now.

"We've saved some time there, haven't we?"

So, then I go into the kitchen to get a whisky or something like that.

I go to the kitchen and I see the dishwasher's finished

and then we have another problem

because I have to empty the dishwasher.

Emptying the dishwasher is one of those never tasks.

Nobody quite does it. So, I think, "I can empty the dishwasher.

"That's the fair thing I can do."

So, I'll pull the door open, like that, pull the draw out.

She very often comes down from bed then, cos she can hear me screaming.

She'll say, "What's the problem, Jon? Is it a spider?"

And I'll say, "No, it's the dishwasher again."

She'll say, "You're joking," then we have to get comfortable

while we go through all the mistakes she's made in there.

And I'm trying to let it go, I really am, but this is important,

isn't it, the dishwasher?

If you don't wash dishes properly, you're trapping up chewed-up,

mouldy old bits of food in a warm, damp box, very often overnight.

You might as well just kill your family while they sleep.

I have to talk her through all the things.

She'll say, "What's the problem?" I'll say, "It's this upturned bowl

"on the top shelf of the dishwasher there."

Not really wrong to put a bowl on the top shelf

of the dishwasher on a light load, on a light load, on a light load...

-Malfunction. Light load.

-LAUGHTER

I couldn't help but notice

you've put this upturned bowl on top of an upturned plate.

LAUGHTER

I really just wanted to ask

how you thought that was ever going to get clean.

There's nowhere for the water to get in, is there?

There's only water in there, you know.

You shut that door, water goes everywhere.

You don't shut that door, and the back one swings open

and little people come out with sponges.

Give us a hand with this one, Barry. Eh!

Look at the state of that. Unbelievable!

I lift it up and say, "It's exactly as dirty as when it came in, look.

"It's all covered in stuff, so we'll have to do that one again, won't we?

"Well, this plate, I know the underside is clean but...

"No, where are you going? I'll tell you when I'm finished.

"Sorry? Oh, we're both tired!"

Unbelievable!

You think I enjoy this at three o'clock in the morning, do you?

This, I'm afraid, is where I've had to fail you.

It's the bread knife in the cutlery tray.

Of course, it's called a knife. It sounds like cutlery, doesn't it?

But if you'll squat down with me,

you'll see it's too tall to go underneath, isn't it?

It's stopped the propeller going round there, hasn't it?

You've shut the door, the propeller has smashed into the bread knife,

spent 108 minutes washing the heck out of everything on this axis.

Everything on this line, I absolutely can't fault you with.

That's absolutely perfect.

I'm afraid the rest of it has been a complete waste of both...

I wonder when she left. I didn't hear the door.

Thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yay! Jon Richardson, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much. Brilliant. Thank you very much, Jon Richardson.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Send To All. Who's up for that?

CHEERING

Yes, the time has come to find out

what replies Miranda Hart has got

from the text that we sent out earlier.

Let's remind ourselves of the text. The text was...

"Kiss, kiss." That was sent from your phone earlier tonight.

-Thank you for that.

-And so much has been going on.

We will start with Clare Balding, ladies and gentlemen.

Clare Balding. She started with the word "Dogs".

"Dogs." She's giving you dogs as a conversation starter.

She goes, "Dogs. Dogs are always a conversation winner.

"Skiing or tax evasion are your other options.

"Check your shoes for loo paper

"and don't leave your pants showing. Now..."

In capitals. "..GET BACK OUT THERE, GIRL."

Very good start.

Very good.

APPLAUSE

-Nick Dance?

-Oh, Nick Dance is a choreographer.

Oh, that's not his name. He just does dance.

"Maybe change your silent ones to loud."

Lovely ending. "That'll break the ice."

LAUGHTER

All right. Amelia Physio.

She's Amelia and she's a physio.

LAUGHTER

"Blessings, that is absolutely hilarious." Crying emoji.

"What competition did that person win

"to end up sitting next to the President of Switzerland?"

LAUGHTER

"Are you sure they didn't lose the competition instead?"

-It's a good point. It's a good point.

-It's a very good one

from Amelia Physio.

-OK, Geri Halliwell.

-Oh, right.

-Spice Girl.

-Yeah.

-Big friends with Geri?

-Um...

-Exchanged numbers.

-Yeah, exactly.

In fact, I can tell you, this is the first time

you've texted each other and she's straight in, trying to help out.

"Ask him about his family. Does he have children?

"People love talking about themselves. Where did he grow up?

"Make it about them. They're probably nervous. And be kind."

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Very nice.

-Very, very sweet. Very sweet from Geri.

All right. Ben Gardener. He's your gardener?

-Ben Gardener does some gardening.

-LAUGHTER

-How many gardens have you got?

-One.

It's just that it says Ben Gardener Sussex.

-I was wondering...

-Oh, I see.

-No, it's cos he's based in Sussex.

-Oh, OK.

I just have a couple of bushes in London that needs trimming.

-A couple of London bushes.

-That needs trimming.

And you like to haul him in from Sussex to trim them.

-He is a friend from Sussex and up he comes to trim my bush.

-OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's texted in just a really bad joke.

He's just put, "What did the traffic light say to the car?

"Don't look I'm changing." That's his response.

OK, he maybe might want to stick to the bushes.

All right. Oh, the wonderful Richard Curtis, a huge one.

He's a writer. You can sense that from the text.

OK, here goes.

He's actually started with "Here goes." He's loved that.

He's got the text and gone, "I'm going to do some writing.

"I'm going to help her out. Darling, Miranda's in trouble.

"She's at Buck Pal.

"She's stuck in the loo and I'm going to help her."

"Here goes. Switzerland even nicer in summer than winter. True?"

That's a good question. For the competition winner, he's gone,

"Competition winner - how did you win?

"Surely you're the kind of person who loves my show."

Back to Switzerland.

"I believe you have a complex government system. Explain it to me.

"Is a Swiss roll actually Swiss?

"Are the Swiss Family Robinson famous in Switzerland or only here?"

Back to the competition winner. "Do you know the Vicar Of Dibley?"

Thanks, Rich. Oh, it's another long one!

-Stephen Fry. Stephen Fry! AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I love challenging all these very, very clever, funny people.

He's opened with, "Oh, Lordy. Oh, Lordy.

"You can tell them that I had a friend who pinched a teaspoon,

"thinking it would make a fine memento.

"A week later, someone called himself

"the Yeoman of the Plate Pantry wrote to her saying,

"'We believe you may have

"'inadvertently left in possession of one of Her Majesty's spoons.

"'Perhaps you would be kind enough to send it back

"'in the enclosed package.' So, no souvenir snitching." Four kisses.

-Very good.

-Sweet.

That's such a lovely way to treat someone who's stolen from you.

Russell Howard.

"Why do the Swiss put bells on their cows?"

LAUGHTER

-Very good from Russell Howard.

-That's a good one.

All right, somebody called Pussy. Who's Pussy?

Oh, you're Pussy.

You've texted your sister who's sitting next to you.

I call my sister Pussy from... Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

..from a beloved cat, when we were about nine or ten.

And even more embarrassingly, she calls ME Pussy.

We both call each other Pussy.

"All I can say is, you are the most perfect, beautiful

"and wonderful person and they should be grate..." What?

It might have been because I texted that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Miranda Hart has just won Send To All, ladies and gentlemen!

Very clever.

It says, "You are off-the-scale amazing."

-Oh, stop it.

-Ladies and gentlemen, what absolute fun.

Thank you so, so much for agreeing to do this.

It's the brilliant and wonderful Miranda Hart, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING Thank you so much, Miranda.

Thanks, Pussy.

Earlier tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we surprised Ciara, who thought she was coming to the Grand Hotel,

but instead got the surprise of her life.

Let's take a little look at how Ciara has been getting on

since that massive surprise backstage.

So, I was going for a weekend away with my boyfriend

and had a very strange experience in reception.

And then we walked into the room and the wall opens.

There was like thousands of people and my family and friends are here.

-I just thought what the, what the hell?

-Well done.

SHE MOUTHS

Well done. Ciara, hello. Welcome.

When Ciara first came in, she was very nervous, in shock.

I'm not actually a crier.

As long as we can keep her calm, get her into it, then she'll be great.

Ciara's a doctor

and she's used to high-pressure situations,

but this is totally different.

She's in front of an audience, so the stakes are high.

It's a dream of mine to sing on stage.

Tonight will definitely be up there.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Dr Ciara!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# On my own

# Pretending he's beside me

# All alone

# I walk with him till morning

# Without him

# I feel his arms around me

# And when I lose my way I close my eyes

# And he has found me

# And I know

# It's only in my mind

# That I'm talking to myself

# And not to him

# And although

# I know that he is blind

# Still I say

# There's a way for us

# I love him

# But when the night is over

# He is gone

# The river's just a river

# Without him

# The world around me changes

# The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

# I love him

# But every day I'm learning

# All my life

# I've only been pretending

# Without me

# His world will go on turning

# A world that's full of happiness

# That I have never known... #

APPLAUSE

# I love him

# I love him

# I love him

# But only on my

# Own. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, our Unexpected Star of tonight's show, it's Ciara.

Come on, Simon. Come on, mum, come up and see her.

And, of course, we remember romantic weekend Simon. Look at that.

Does she still love him? Go and find out.

APPLAUSE

This is incredible. Go and give her a hug.

Amazing, amazing. Thank you. Oh, you're all up.

All the doctors are here.

And the big question is, how do you still feel about this chap,

-after doing all this for you today?

-I think I'll forgive him.

You were sensational and it was an absolute treat

-for us to hear you sing tonight.

-Thank you.

Thank you so much for bringing her down. Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

-Now, the problem is, of course...

-Yes.

You don't have anywhere to stay tonight!

-Oh, yeah!

-I'm sure we'll sort that out.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, one more time,

for the Unexpected Star of tonight's show,

the absolutely sensational Ciara.

And thank you so much to Simon for getting her here.

And Liz, her mum, and the doctors.

Thank you, doctors. Thank you so much for coming.

Good night, bravo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you know somebody you'd like to nominate

to be an Unexpected Star of the show for the next series

or, in fact, want to nominate someone for any surprise,

please go to bbc.co.uk/bigshow for all the details.