Episode 4 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show...

..Marvin and Rochelle hand over both their phones to play Send To All,

there's music from pop sensations The Vamps, featuring

Maggie Lindemann, and comedy from the hilarious Jason Manford.

And who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show.

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS

DRUM ROLL

CHEERING

Yeah!

Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to my Big Show!

What a show we have for you tonight.

We will of course have big stars...

CHEERING ..big laughs...

CHEERING ..and very, very big surprises,

ladies and gentlemen. CHEERING

That's happening. Yeah! HE GIGGLES

Yes! And not one but two celebrities are going to be playing Send To All.

CHEERING

And we do have our most ambitious stunt yet

when we reveal this week's Unexpected Star of the show.

CHEERING

Family people in tonight? Who's got children?

Round of applause, you got children?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There are basics that you have to do every single day

when raising children, and these are

feeding them, you have to feed them.

This is probably news to nobody. You have to feed them,

you have to dress them, OK?

You have to wash them and you have to put them to bed.

You have to do these four things every single day.

Now, every single day, each one of these things is a battle.

They are reluctant to do

these things, and you are forced every day to compromise

on each of them.

I don't know why they resist these basic things.

Every day is a battle.

Just getting dressed, they will not get dressed. "Put your clothes on.

"Put your pants on." They refuse to wear pants.

"I don't like pants."

"They're uncomfortable. I don't like pants."

"Put your jumper on." "I'm boiling.

"I'm boiling." They're always boiling. "I'm boiling!"

"Yes, that's because I've heated the inside of the house.

"But what I haven't done is heated the rest of the world.

"So you will need it when you get outside." "Can I just take it?"

So you just compromise. "All right, fine! Just take it."

"Do your laces." "Can I do it in the car?"

"Fine! Do it in the car!

"Where's your bag? Where's your other shoe?"

And they spring things on you at the last minute.

The other day, we're going to school, nearly out the door.

My son's done quite well, actually. He's got his pants on,

he's even got his jumper on. He's holding his coat, he's got his bag -

we're nearly out the door. He just looks at me and goes, "Dad,

"it's Roman day."

"What's Roman day?"

"Everybody has to go to school today dressed as something

"from the Roman Empire."

"We're supposed to be at school in six minutes.

"What exactly did you expect me to do at this point?

"Oh, yes, when I was nine I was a centurion.

"I think I still have my armour here in the cupboard."

"Let's not drive this morning.

"I've been hiding a horse and chariot in the garage.

"We'll arrive in style!"

Feeding... They will eat... Children will eat...

They will eat rubbish. They'll eat garbage, OK?

They'll eat chocolate and sweets and ice cream till they're sick.

What they won't eat is things that are good for them.

Every day, we try to get them to eat vegetables, fruit,

things that are good for them. We aim very high, my wife and I,

every single mealtime.

"All right, tonight there will be no ice cream, children,

"unless you have all your peas, all your broccoli and all your carrots."

"But, Dad, please, it's disgusting.

"Please don't make me eat that. Please, it's just disgusting.

"Please, Dad, you can't force us! You can't force us!

"It's disgusting!"

"All right! Fine.

"I just want you to eat one carrot...

"..five peas

"and this floret of broccoli."

"But, Dad, it's disgusting, please don't make me eat that.

"Please, you can't force me, I hate it!"

"I hate it!"

"All right, fine!

"Just stick out your tongue and let me

"wipe the broccoli across your face."

"And then can I have ice cream?" "Yes!"

Washing every day, run the bath, get in the bath, "Have you washed?

"Have you brushed your teeth?" They lie to you.

They lie to my face every single day.

"Have you brushed your teeth?" "Yes."

"OK, then breathe on me."

I have to get this jet of disgusting...

HE EXHALES Eugh!

"You haven't brushed your teeth, have you?" "No, I haven't, Daddy."

"Well, why didn't you say that?!"

The laziness.

Oh, and flush the... You know...

Before I had children I used to dream about what it was like.

My wife and I would discuss it,

"I can't wait to have children, it's going to be amazing.

"You'll be such an amazing mum."

I used to dream of idyllic, rosy-cheeked,

beautiful children in dungarees...

running in fields....

..picking flowers.

"Can we have our picnic now? Can we have our picnic?"

How did that fantasy become me, almost on a nightly basis,

standing over the toilet going, "Whose poo is this?!"

"Lucas! Is that your poo?"

He puts on this whole...

He actually comes over and looks in the loo.

"No, that's not my poo."

"So, Ossie, it's your poo."

"Dad, that is definitely not my poo."

"Darling..." "Don't you even..."

Ah, hair-wash night. I don't know how much you're supposed to

wash your children's hair,

but I've got it down to about once a fortnight now because of the drama.

"Hair-wash night? No, Daddy, please. Can we do that tomorrow?

"Daddy, can we do it tomorrow? Can we do it tomorrow?

"It's going to go in my eyes! It's going to go in my eyes!"

"Put your head back." You have to hold the flannel. They shake and...

"Ah! It's going to go in my eyes!

"I don't like it, Daddy! Is it finished? Is it finished?"

God forbid the shampoo actually goes a little bit in their eye.

HE SHRIEKS

"I need a towel!

"I need a towel!"

"Ah!"

HE WHIMPERS

"Why would you do that to me?"

"For God's sake, I'm just trying to wash your hair."

Bedtime. Oh, bedtime. "It's bedtime, go to bed." "Can I have a story?

"Can I have a story?" The last thing you want to do at the end of a day

of battles is read a nonsense, stupid story.

I don't know if you do this,

but I will scan the bookshelf for the shortest book that we own.

My son's always like, "Can we read The Hobbit?" "No."

"I thought we could read this

"leaflet that came through the door.

"It's for a local pizzeria, you see there is a deal on. Now goodnight.

"Daddy loves you."

This is what it is like, it is a battle, it is a daily battle,

every single day, to do the basics.

There isn't a child on Earth who has ever not battled these things.

There's no kid in the history of children who's ever just gone,

"Mum, Dad, listen, I'm exhausted tonight.

"I'm just going to head up to bed, I think.

"I managed to squeeze a shower in earlier, Mum, while you were cooking

"that amazing dinner. I don't know what you did with the broccoli.

"Was it something different? Because for me it could've been

"the meal all unto itself. Magnificent.

"I didn't tell you guys it was Roman day tomorrow

"cos I wanted to surprise you with the outfit that I've made.

"You're going to love it."

"I'll see you by the door at about five to eight in my shoes and pants

"and I'm going to wear my coat cos you never know, I mean,

"it is quite chilly out there."

Oh and... HE EXHALES

Minty fresh.

Well, that's never going to happen.

That's a fantasy. That's a fantasy.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play Send To All!

CHEERING

Yes.

In a Send To All first, ladies and gentlemen, this week, not one

but two celebrities have agreed to hand over their phones.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the divine, it's Marvin and Rochelle.

CHEERING

I love you two.

Aw!

You're very nice people. How are you both? How are you?

-I'm a bit nervous. Yeah, I'm a bit scared.

-Bit nervous?

-Yeah.

Yeah. There's nothing to worry about.

-I have to say, tonight is going to be especially fun.

-OK.

So tell me about when you first got together.

I mean, phones would've been a big part of it.

-Who took whose number?

-Yeah, yeah. So when we first got together...

-OK, hang on, just be honest.

-I'm going to be honest.

I will be honest. So, we were doing a gig together in Ireland,

the Saturdays, JLS, and I'd always liked Roch.

We ended up chatting that night.

We were standing in the hotel cos it was a late show.

She decided to go to the toilet and what lady goes to the toilet

and leaves their handbag with me, her phone had no phone lock...

-No phone lock?!

-No phone lock, exactly.

-What year was this?

I went into her bag, I took out the phone, I called myself.

-Stole her phone number.

-Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-You took her phone and you phoned yourself?

-Thank you! It's so wrong.

-To get her number? BOTH:

-Yes!

-Right. That's clever.

-No, that's really freaky.

-You say freaky...

-Yeah.

#MarriedWithTwoKids. Seemed to work out.

It worked. It did work.

When you phoned yourself, did you leave a message?

"Hi, it's me. Just trying to pull."

Thank you so much for agreeing to do this.

Of course, Rochelle, as soon as I get your phone,

I'll probably call myself with it.

Ey!

-I mean, it's only right.

-OK.

So, guys, if I can ask you please to place your mobile phones

here in this contraption and we will get them both down. This is

so exciting, a Send To All first.

OK, let's get these phones down.

# It takes two, baby

# It takes two, baby

# Me and you. #

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

I am now in possession of Marvin and Rochelle's mobile telephones!

CHEERING

Wow. OK. Has it come on?

CHEERING Oh, yeah!

-This is so weird.

-This is so weird.

-It must be so weird to see your phone.

-Oh, no.

So this is it, this... Oh, look, lovely things on here, Pinterest,

InstaBeauty...

Getting ready for Christmas? Santa there.

Oh, that's great, that works all year round with my little girl,

-the Santa app.

-That is such a classic threat.

-Yes.

-Yes.

I do this thing where I go, "I'm phoning Father Christmas."

Yup.

Yup, but he can actually call you back.

-What?!

-I know, it's amazing.

Santa also called you and gave you his number?

-He did.

-Santa Claus.

-Call... Schedule a call?

-Yes, it's brilliant.

-All right.

Tap to add.

You have to, like, insert the name and then he says the name

when he calls, and say what they've been good at.

All right, well, I'm going to do it.

Michael. Michael Michael. Why not?

All right, are we ready? I'm a boy. Yes.

How old am I?

Just say you're, like, four.

I'll be four. When's he going to phone? Immediately.

-Let's go.

-Yeah, here you go.

MUSIC: We Wish You A Merry Christmas

It's so good!

Hello?

Ho, ho, ho! Good evening.

It's Santa calling.

According to my records, you're four years old.

I've found out that you've been a very good girl.

I'm so impressed that I've put your name on my nice list.

Ho, ho!

How the hell did he find out?

Been keeping that secret for years.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye, thank you, Santa.

Oh, God. OK, Marvin.

You see? Obviously, straight in there, Premier League. TV Guide.

Oh, photos. Let's have a look at some photos.

Ooh, hello. Yes. There you go.

What's going on there, Marv?

Got a lovely house.

Just casual morning selfie.

OK. Oh, yeah, this is the life!

Erm, I'm hoping that's a spa and not a toilet.

Whoa. WOLF WHISTLES

This is obviously... Is this you?

Is it Drake? Have you put somebody else's body here?

Oh, look at the shape you're in.

-You are loving yourself, aren't you? AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

-Very good. This is you going to collect the kids, is it?

-Yeah!

At the posh school.

-School run.

-School run. Perfect.

Oh, DJ-ing. There you go.

All right. Oh, look.

And there you are on a Saturday.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, I think it's about time to write the texts into these two very,

very sweet and lovely people. Right.

So the text I'm going to put into Marvin's phone is,

"Taken Rochelle

"out to a lovely

"little restaurant.

"A fan just asked me

"for a selfie,

"and not Rochelle.

"Now we're having a row..."

Oh, God!

-"..about who..."

-Oh, no!

"is more

"famous.

"It's me, right?"

So, we'll just leave that there for the time being.

Now...

..into your phone, Rochelle...

You should write "Marv", not "Marvin", cos...

-You're right. Any help...

-..I'd never say that.

-You're right.

-Maybe write "Roch", cos you'd never call me Rochelle, would you?

-Yeah.

-"Roch", like that?

-Roch, yeah.

-Yeah?

-I think... Yeah.

-All right.

Otherwise people might know.

So, your version, Marvin, was...

"Taken Roch out to a lovely little restaurant."

Now, Rochelle's.

"With Marv...

"..in Nando's."

That's about right. That's really accurate.

"He basically forced the waiter...

"..to have a selfie with him.

"So embarrassing.

"Now we're having an argument over who is more famous."

This is so awful.

-"In your honest..."

-Oh, no!

"..opinion, is it me or Marv?"

Oh, my goodness. I hate this.

OK, so, Roch, how would you sign a text?

-One big X, two little ones.

-All right.

-How have you opened it, though?

-Oh. "With Marv in Nando's."

OK, so, maybe you should write, "Hey, babe, I'm with Marv." Yeah.

-Are you calling everyone in your phone book "babe"?

-I think so.

Unless it's like... Oh, no, my doctor.

Or someone like that.

-Well, it is going to be your doctor. It's everybody.

-Just "hey", I think.

Marvin's upset about you calling everyone in your phone "babe".

-I know!

-Darling, I think we're going to go with just "hey" tonight.

-Just "hey".

-Just "hey".

-Hey. OK. Now, Marvin...?

-Yes.

-How would you sign a text on yours?

How about the muscle emoji?

Yeah.

I think that works with the text.

And let's be honest, it was in your "recently used".

You are something else, Marv.

So, Marvin, your text is,

"Taken Roch out to a lovely little restaurant.

"A fan just asked me for a selfie, and not Roch.

"Now we're having a row about who is more famous. It's me, right?"

Rochelle's text is, "Hey, I'm with Marv in Nando's.

"He basically forced the waiter to have a selfie with him.

"So embarrassing. Now we're having an argument over who is more famous.

"In your honest opinion, is it me or Marv?"

Big kiss, two little kisses.

Shall we send those two texts simultaneously?

CHEERING

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

let's find out who's more famous,

because those texts have gone, ladies and gentlemen!

It's happening!

CHEERING

Please thank the very brilliant and very fun Marvin and Rochelle.

It's Marv and Roch.

Thank you so much, guys.

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guests are a group of handsome musicians

who have had a huge succession of sensational hit records.

Scream your hearts out.

Tonight, featuring Maggie Lindemann, it's The Vamps.

CHEERING

Thank you. How are we doing, London?

CHEERING

Feel free to stand up and have a dance.

# Personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see

# I think it's time to put my heart out on the line

# I think it's time to say what's playing on my mind

# I see you out with him and I say that I'm fine

# It happens every time

# Every time

# Well, I'm sick and tired of playing games

# I'm sick and tired of being second place

# And I know if I never tried

# I'd be sick and tired of being sick and tired

# Don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see

# Girl, don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

-# But worst of all... #

-Put those hands up!

-# ..You don't even see... #

-Put 'em up!

# ..So, don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see

# Girl, don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all... #

Ladies and gentlemen, Maggie Lindemann!

# ..You know how much I love it when you call me out

# You see it in my eyes The way they follow you around

# Cos, yeah, I like the way you dance

# You know I do

# Yeah, I do

-# Cos that's just you... #

-Hey!

# ..I'm sick and tired of being friends

# I'm sick and tired of being there

-# And I know if I never try... #

-London, here we go!

# ..I'll be sick and tired of being sick and tired

# Girl, don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see

# Girl, don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see

# So, let's make it personal

# Tell me what you like

# Let's make it personal

# Cos I know that you want to try to get personal

# Tell me what you like

# Let's make it personal

# Personal... #

London, put those hands up!

Beautiful!

# ..So don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see

# Don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see

# Girl, don't take it personal

# But personally, I think you'd be better with somebody like me

# But worst of all, you don't even see, you don't even see. #

Maggie Lindemann, everybody.

CHEERING

From The Vamps, what about that? Let's get Personal.

We love that. We love The Vamps.

OK. No, ladies and gentlemen,

it is time to find out who will be tonight's

Unexpected Star of the show.

CHEERING

So here is tonight's Unexpected Star. This...

..is Marvin.

He's a horse trainer from West Sussex.

CHEERING

There he is with a horse. He's kind of cool, is our Marv.

He is coming to our secret location, which is behind the theatre.

He thinks he's been hired as a body double for an advert

set in the Wild West.

So he's coming here thinking he's part of an advert for a perfume.

It's a men's aftershave. It's called Unexpected.

It's absolutely disgusting.

There's damsel in distress, played by Rachel Riley from Countdown.

Then he's going to get on an actual horse.

He's then going to deliver the final line of the advert,

which is, "Well, that was unexpected."

At that point, the curtain will fall down to reveal 2,000 of you,

and normally when this happens, I say, "Go mad, get on your feet,"

but there's a horse on the stage.

I need to do the exit thing.

Exits are... I don't even know where they are.

This is where the people at the top go, "Good seats."

CHEERING

OK, Marvin is currently in the office,

which is adjacent to the theatre.

I think he actually might be waiting. Oh, there he is.

That is Marvin on the right,

and on the left is Terence, the lead actor on the left.

And, boy, have we got some fun lined up for him.

Are you up for that, ladies and gentlemen? Let's do that.

Marvin has been nominated by his wife Ellen, who's here tonight,

and we're going to find out

a little bit about Marvin before we get him out.

OK, where's Ellen? Hi, Ellen. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ellen.

Ellen's here.

Hello, Ellen. So, tell us about Marvin.

-He's absolutely passionate about horses.

-He's passionate.

-Is he a lovely person?

-Yes.

-And what about singing?

-Does he enjoy singing? I hope so.

-He's quite good at that, yes.

-OK.

So I understand he's performed a little bit already?

Yeah, he used to do some amateur dramatic stuff,

-he's done the Full Monty.

-He's done the Full Monty?

-Yes.

-Oh, OK.

Everyone's getting very excited. He's not going to do that tonight.

OK, and I gather he's got a friend here as well. Hi. Is it Gavin?

-Hi there.

-Hi, Gav. How are you?

So he performed at your wedding, is that right?

He did, yeah. He sang our first song. It was Lady In Red.

Right. How did that go? Did he perform well?

Yeah, he performed really well.

My mum and my sister still keep talking about him.

Oh, that's very good.

How do you think he will react to the shock of being on top

of a horse in a cowboy outfit, and all of us going crazy?

I'm beginning to wonder

if there'll be any divorce proceedings in the morning.

You think he might be divorcing you in the morning?

OK, well, listen. This is the perfume, Unexpected.

We just need to confirm that it's not the best.

Do you want to smell that for me and give your verdict?

Would you wear that?

Oh...

-How would you describe it?

-Very fishy.

-Yes, it is.

You're right to say it's fishy. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for Marvin's lovely wife and friend,

lovely Ellen and Gavin.

All right. All right.

So, we're now going to talk to our actors backstage

and we're going to have a little bit of fun. OK.

Terence, if you can hear me, say,

"Yee-ha! I'm going to nail this part," and pump the air.

Yee-ha! I'm going to nail this part!

-Where's he going?

-Where are you going?

He's so embarrassed he stood up and walked away.

He's just got on the horse.

Terence, could you say to Marvin, "Do you recognise me, by the way?"

Hey, Marvin, do you recognise me?

"I'm an actor."

-I'm an actor.

-Yeah.

"You probably recognise me from The Walking Dead."

You might recognise me from The Walking Dead.

"This might jog your memory," and do a zombie impression.

This might jog your memory. You ready?

HE MOANS

He knows. He knows. He's seen it. He's seen it.

Can we send in the director, Robert?

-Oh, shoot.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Is this Marvin?

-Yes.

-Grab a seat.

Hi. How's it going? Terence.

-Robert. Nice to meet you. I'm the director. Robert.

-Nice to meet you.

Could you point to the runner and say, "Milk, two sugars"?

Milk, two sugars.

OK.

-Say, "Welcome, welcome, everybody."

-Welcome. Welcome, all.

"Let's go through this script." Take the tea when it comes.

Just spit it out and say, "This is tea. I want milk and two sugars."

This is tea. I want milk with two sugars.

OK. OK. So, "In a minute, we're going to start rehearsing.

"We're just waiting for Rachel."

In a minute, we'll start rehearsing. We're just waiting for Rachel.

She'll pop through.

-Oh, hi.

-Say, "Sorry I'm late."

-Sorry I'm late.

Say, "Actually it's your fault."

Actually, though, I don't want to be rude

but it was kind of your fault that I was late.

"You booked a car to pick me up half an hour ago."

You booked a car to pick me up half an hour ago.

-"I live 15.7 miles from here."

-But I live 15.7 miles from here.

OK, notice the whiteboard and then say, "Let me explain."

Hang on, let me explain.

The average speed of traffic in London is, what, 19mph?

Like I said, 15.7 miles is how far I have to go.

Time is distance over speed, so the journey, I mean, the time

should have been 15.7 divided by 19, which is obviously 0.82.

0.82 x 60 minutes to get here,

49 minutes, but obviously you only left 30,

so 49 - 30, you should have actually had it there 19 minutes earlier.

Yeah, so 19 minutes. Just for next time, OK?

OK, so, "You're all familiar with the fragrance."

So, you're all familiar with the fragrance. Give that to Rachel.

Oh, that is delicious. That's lovely. Have a whiff of that.

-Mm!

-It's nice, isn't it?

He likes it.

So, Terence, Rachel, come with me. Marvin, stay there.

-We're just going to have a little rehearsal.

-OK.

-Come with me.

-Where do you want me?

-If you're here.

-OK.

-Terence there.

We're just going to run through this last scene.

Rachel, listen, you'll do the "my hero".

Pull her in, you know the line. And action.

My hero.

Oh, not you!

Terence, come and mount the horse.

OK, and then if you could mount the horse the wrong way.

-OK.

-It happens.

-You're the wrong way round.

-Really?

OK, get off the horse and try again

and then get on it the right way and then we'll do the final line.

Very good. Super stuff.

So now just deliver the final line, "That was unexpected."

Terence, I want you to say, "That was antiseptic."

Action.

That was antiseptic.

-OK, all right, if you want to step off. Marvin...

-Step off.

Take a break for a second. Marvin, would you just come in,

we'll just do lines for Rachel, if that's all right?

So, "my hero", and then Marvin onto the horse

and then say, "That was unexpected."

So, "my hero", pull in, push away, your line, mount the horse,

-"That was unexpected."

-OK.

-And action.

-My hero!

No, not you!

That was unexpected.

Very good. Amazing. You're amazing. Very good.

I'm just doing what you told me.

OK, all right. All right.

Tell him to sit down, "We're going to take a break

"and then we'll come through in a minute and we'll set up the studio."

Take a break. I'm going to set up the set.

OK, so we're going to bring Marvin up here for his shoot.

You all know what's going to happen

but first, let's take a little look at the studio that he's going to.

All right. Here we go. Right.

Whoa!

OK. If we could bring on... I can't believe I'm saying this.

Bring on the horse, please. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Round of applause.

APPLAUSE

Hi, Andy. You are the horse handler. And the horse is...?

-Miro.

-Miro.

Say hi to Miro, everyone.

-AUDIENCE:

-Hi, Miro.

-Hi, Miro.

Welcome to the Big Show.

Is this the first time Miro's appeared on stage?

He's done many, many Hollywood films.

-He's been in Hollywood movies?

-Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much to Miro and his...

Oh, and you're going to be here with him.

-Yes.

-He's going to be there with him.

OK, thank you very much, Miro.

OK, so that is Miro, an actual horse.

Let's get everything ready on the stage, then,

and then we're going to do this.

Are you up for that, ladies and gentlemen?

You will know when to make a noise

because, obviously, the curtain will fall down.

If we're ready...

..let's bring him up.

I like it.

Hi, guys. OK, Marvin, I need to take you on to set.

We'll do the body double. You guys, we'll bring you up in a second, OK?

This way.

- See you in a bit, man. - Bye.

-So, Andy is the horse handler.

-Uh-huh.

So, yeah, he'll just help you on, but you're an old pro at this.

Just through here.

As soon as you're on, get comfortable, I'll disappear, action.

-Just get the hat on for us.

-You've got it.

-All good?

-Yeah. Looking good. Looking good. Super. Just this way.

It's right through here. This way. This is Andy, the horse handler.

-How are you doing, Andy?

-If you go around there, hop straight on.

-All right.

-So I'll go out of shot.

I'll just give you the "action", deliver the last line

and we're good to go.

-There we go.

-All set? All comfortable?

-Yeah.

-So wait for "action" and then give us the line.

-OK.

And action.

That was unexpected.

CHEERING

You have to be joking.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Marvin!

Hey, Marvin. How are you, man?

See your wife over there. See over there, your wife.

You're going to get it! You are going to get it!

All right, Marvin. Let's get you down from the horse.

OK. A small round of applause for Miro as well there. Miro, our horse.

Marvin, there we go.

This is your big hat with your crash helmet in it. Very good.

Come on, Marv. Let's go and have a chat.

So, Marvin... Yeah. Take it in, Marv. Take it in, Marv.

-Woo!

-Woo!

CHEERING

Marvin, here we have 2,500 people at the Theatre Royal in Drury Lane.

You are not here to star in an advert for Unexpected pour-on,

which you seemed to like. Did you like the smell, Marvin?

I work with horses every day so...

Anything compared to that smells good.

So, Marvin, we've been watching you next door.

Rachel Riley doesn't always do Countdown numbers, for example.

That man who went "yee-ha", and you were so embarrassed

you started fiddling with the fake saddle.

You have been set up by your lovely wife,

who thinks you are a wonderful man, a brilliant horse trainer,

but mostly there's something else you like to do, isn't there, Marvin?

-Yeah, I sing.

-Yeah! Yeah!

I love the way you said that. "I sing."

You are very cool, Marv.

So, Marvin, will you be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?

-Yeah, sure.

-He's up for it.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Marvin.

So good.

HE MOUTHS

We're going to take you off here. There you go, Marv.

Very good.

Amazing.

We love Marvin.

All right.

We've got a real treat for you now, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm absolutely delighted

to introduce one of my favourite singers,

who is, tonight, trying his hand at stand-up comedy.

It is of course the always hilarious,

the brilliant Jason Manford is here.

CHEERING

Hello, hi.

Hello.

Hello. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Wow. Wow.

Lovely. What a great room. I've brought my parents with me.

My parents are here celebrating their 36th wedding anniversary.

I don't know what happens in a relationship that long

but it's amazing. My mum will be in a mood with my dad

cos of something that he did wrong in her dreams.

It's unbelievable. He will wake up already in trouble.

"Morning." "Morning!"

"What have I done now?" "You know what you've done.

"Flying off on your magic camel...

"..with your fancy lady,

"leaving me with all the shopping and no arms."

Very strange lady. I've got a strange family, to be honest.

Even my brother. My brother's one of those people...

Have you got any of those people in your life who...

they've got qualifications, a job, a family,

they've got everything but, still, every so often,

they just do something so stupid you've no reaction to it?

We played football a little while back,

over the summer, and my brother

opened up a brand-new pair of shin pads and looked really disappointed.

I said, "What's up with you?" He said, "I've just opened these,

"bought these yesterday." "Why are you so annoyed?"

He went, "Look at that - one's a large, one's a regular."

I said, "I think that's left and right, Steven."

I don't think they sell them like that.

I've recently done a speed awareness course.

Has anyone done one of those?

They are so dull, aren't they? So dull.

Everyone says the same things when they do a speed awareness course.

"Actually it was quite interesting. I learned a few things." And it is.

It's about 40 minutes of quite interesting information

spread over four hours.

Luckily, I was sat with this bloke from Glasgow,

fella called Jeff, who had driven down especially to Manchester

to do the speed awareness course. He was great fun to sit next to.

There was a moment when the guy leading the class said to us,

"There's only about five or six reasons to speed,

"and in the years doing this job I've heard them all."

Well, he'd never met Jeff.

He was going down the line, "Why were you speeding?"

And it was the same reasons. "I thought it was a 40 in a 30."

"I was distracted." "The rain."

All the same sort of reasons kept coming up.

Then he got to Jeff. "What was the reason you sped?"

He went, "Ah, mate, you know...

"You know McDonald's stop serving breakfast at 10.30?"

What an excuse! We've all been there at 10.27. "I need a hash brown!"

Why not put your foot down?

What a great reason.

That wasn't even my favourite bit.

Then he started to relax into the class.

He said... At one point, the teacher said to us,

"When you're on a road, road signs are green.

"When you're on a motorway, road signs are blue,

"and that's one of the major differences

"between those two very dangerous roads."

Jeff pipes up. "That's right, mate, and if the road signs are grey,

"that means you're going the wrong way."

Just entertaining himself.

And before we left, before we left, we're all sort of wrapping up,

getting our coats on to head out into the evening, and the teacher

again says to us, "Thanks for coming, thanks very much,

"don't speed again," and all that,

and I was having a little chat with him and then he said to Jeff,

"Have you got to get back to Glasgow now from Manchester?"

He says, "Aye, that's right."

He says, "What's that, about four-and-a-half hours?"

He went, "I'll do it in two."

Not learnt a thing. Not learnt a thing. God love him.

Not learnt a thing.

I...

I mean...

I mean, it works. I've not sped since, I've got to say.

And that's not necessarily my own moral judgment.

It's because my car doesn't have the ability any more.

I've had to swap my car. I got five children. Five children.

That's a lot of children, isn't it? I know. It's crazy.

Sometimes I go to drop my youngest daughter in nursery

and there are less children in nursery than I have in the car.

And they're wild. They're wild, cos they get to do loads of fun things,

cool things that we never got to do.

They go to the park about four times a week.

I never went to the park as a kid. My dad never took me to the park.

If I'd said, "Dad, I want to go to the park,"

he'd have gone, "Off you go, then."

"But I'm six." "Well, mind the roads."

Things were different, weren't they? You made your own entertainment.

The trick in that day was just to get out and just entertain yourself.

All the way through the summer holidays,

get as far away from the house as possible.

Not too far in case some bigger boys came, but far enough away

that you couldn't hear yourself being shouted in.

That was the trick, wasn't it?

Cos in our house you weren't even allowed to sneak in the house

in the middle of the day

because my mum, she would hate the door being used as a door.

It used to wind her right up.

You'd sneak in, she be like, "Who's that?!"

"It's me, Mum. Just getting a sandwich."

"No! No! You're either in or you're out."

"What?"

"You're either in or you're out."

They're the only two options. It's a door.

You're thinking of a wall, you nutter.

Crazy, isn't it? When I watch my parents now...

Have we got any grandparents in, by the way?

-SOME CHEERS

-A few of you in.

The rest are at home minding your kids, aren't they?

That's what they're doing.

Do you ever watch your parents being grandparents

and think to yourself, "Who are you?

"Who are you and when did you become so nice?"

Because when I was 14, I remember it clearly,

you were a nightmare every day.

Now look at you, you're all like, "Hey, Grandad's here! Hey-hey!"

They're like, "Grandad! Grandad! Grandad!"

"Come on, let's go to the park."

God love them. Thanks very much. I'll see you again.

Good night, God bless. Thank you.

CHEERING

Sensational Jason Manford, ladies and gentlemen. What about that?

Nice one. My man's on fire.

You're looking good, too, Jase.

What a treat. Thank you so much for coming and being so hilarious.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic Mr Jason Manford. What about that?

Thank you, my friend. Yeah!

It is now time to find out what replies Marvin and Rochelle,

Marv and Roch, have received.

It's time to play Send To All.

OK.

This is the message that I sent into their mobile telephones

earlier tonight.

Into Marvin's phone...

And the text I sent into Rochelle's phone...

OK, so we're going to start with Marvin's phone.

So this has come from Gino D'Acampo. Gino, Gino, Gino.

Oh, so much love for Gino.

-Gino says, "Definitely you, my friend."

-Yes.

"When I first met Rochelle,

"I thought she was your carer.

"Please don't tell Rochelle,

"she will kill me next time I see her."

-I will.

-Triple kiss, Gino.

-Yes, Gino.

-OK, Robbie Williams.

-Oh, hello!

-Hello, Robbie Williams.

-Showbiz.

"I don't know, but I've seen pictures in the gym and, Marvin,

"you definitely have bigger boobs."

That wasn't the question, Robbie.

I like that. That's good. That's good.

All right. Danny Jones. McFly.

Everybody's famous in your life.

Danny Jones from McFly says,

"No, Humes, I would say Roch is far more famous."

Oh, dear. "PS, have you sorted your rash?"

Marvin!

I mean, have you? Is it OK?

Danny and I play football together

so we see each other in the shower sometimes.

That's even more concerning.

All better now. See you in the showers next week...

-I'm worried.

-How's the rash! OK.

-Claire... Claire Ince.

-It's my auntie.

-Auntie Claire.

"Marvin, get a grip.

"Rochelle is well more famous than you.

"You're always punching above your weight."

APPLAUSE

-Ben Shepherd. Shepsy.

-Oh, he should be on my side.

"Tricky situation, Marv. If I was you, I'd let her win this one.

"It'd be worth it down the line, son.

"Lose the battle but not the war."

-Good advice from Sheps.

-Smart guy.

-Very good advice.

OK, Louis Walsh, ladies and gentlemen.

Louis Walsh says, "You sold more music in arenas so it's you,

"but she looks better."

Go on, Louis.

Ricky Wilson doesn't have your number.

"Who is this? Are you related to Rochelle Humes? She's great.

"I think she married the guy from DFS."

Yes!

That's the best reply ever.

That's from Ricky Wilson of the Kaiser Chiefs.

Everyone's famous. This is so fun.

DFS! HE CACKLES

-That's the best reply ever.

-There's a deal on, and I got a husband.

So, we're now going to move from Marvin's phone to Rochelle's.

Mine's going to be my aunt.

Louis Walsh.

He's sent the same text to both.

He's gone, "Marvin sold more music, Rochelle, so it is Marvin,

"but you look better."

He texted both of you.

Andi Peters. "Marv is lemon and herb."

Oh, he's gone with the Nando's.

"Marv is lemon and herb.

"You're hot."

-Smooth. Really smooth.

-That's good.

-Grimmy.

-Oh, Grimmy. I love him.

We love Grimmy.

"I value you both on the same level as kind, funny humans

"whose fame doesn't enter my judgment,

"so I can't be brought into this debate.

"Plus, I'm also scared."

-Here's a fun one. Nicky Thai massage.

-Oh, no!

I'm assuming this is Nicky who does Thai massage.

I'm glad that's in her phone and not mine.

Yeah, that would have been much worse if it was in your phone.

She doesn't even know what we do for a job, I don't think, does she?

She's going to think, what am I talking about?

So she's been asked the question, "Am I more famous than my husband?"

who she doesn't know.

Oh, it's a tough question. Turns out she knows.

"I need a bit more time to judge.

"Have a lovely time."

In Nando's!

-So random.

-"Nicky..." I'm going to text her back. "I need a decision.

"And a massage."

-Kevin Playhouse.

-Oh, my goodness.

-He installed your playhouse, didn't he?

-For my little girl.

-He built her a little Wendy house.

-Yeah.

-This is so weird.

You've only met him once.

I've literally met him once when I paid him to make her a house.

All right, well, Kevin Playhouse.

"Hi, last year, when I installed your playhouse, you knew

"I didn't know who you were so I would say Marvin."

APPLAUSE

Thank you so, so much for handing me your phones.

You've both been brilliant. I will return this to you immediately.

One more time, ladies and gentlemen,

for the fantastic Marvin and Rochelle. What fantastic sports.

Thank you so much. CHEERING

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

earlier tonight, we surprised horse trainer Marvin, who thought

he was here to appear as an extra in an advert

on an actual horse on this stage.

Let's see how our Unexpected Star of the show

has been getting on backstage.

It's a big surprise.

I've come up to do a commercial and a curtain drops

and all these people...

I had no idea whatsoever.

To actually meet Michael, wow.

When Marvin came into the room, my goodness,

it was like complete and utter shock.

-I just can't believe this is all happening.

-He's improved no end.

I mean, I can't tell you how hard he has worked in order to get

this performance up to where it needs to be.

I'm very excited to be singing in front of all these people

and my family.

When I look at my wife, it's about...

I now have that person in my life.

All the time, no matter if you're right or you're wrong, she's there.

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment is here.

Please go wild for our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Marvin.

# Stuck on you

# I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose

# Guess I'm on my way

# I needed a friend

# And the way I feel now, I guess I'll be with you till the end

# Yes, I'm on my way

# Mighty glad you stayed

# Yeah

# I'm stuck on you

# I've been a fool too long, I guess it's time for me to come on home

# Yes, I'm on my way

# It's so hard to see

# That a woman like you could wait around for a man like me

# Yes, I'm on my way

# Mighty glad you stayed

# Oh, I'm leaving on that midnight train tomorrow

# And I know just where I'm going

# I've packed up my troubles

# And I've thrown them all away

# Cos this time, little darling

# I'm coming home to stay

# I'm stuck on you

# I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose

# Yes, I'm on my way

# I needed a friend

# And the way I feel now, I guess I'll be with you till the end

# Yes, I'm on my way

# Mighty glad you stayed. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, our Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

It's Marvin.

Well done. Well done.

Marvin, that was sensational.

How do you feel after that?

Actually, I'm speechless right now.

I just can't believe this is all happening.

CHEERING

It's amazing what you've been through.

Ellen has been absolutely in bits watching you.

She's so, so proud of you. She set this whole thing up for you tonight.

Oh! CHEERING

You've got to come up! You've got to come up!

You can't leave him here! Come on!

It's your daughter, and your wife Ellen.

CHEERING

CHEERING

I can't believe you guys did this to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, a very highly emotional

and wonderful Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

-Please, one more time for the fantastic Marvin.

-Thank you.

And Ellen and his daughter. Thank you so, so much.

Thank you, all. Thank you for coming. I'll see you next time.

Good night and bravo.

CHEERING

If you know somebody you'd like to nominate to be

an Unexpected Star of the show for the next series,

or in fact want to nominate someone for any surprise,

please go to bbc.co.uk/bigshow for all the details.