Episode 3 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show -

football legend Alan Shearer plays Send To All,

there's music from the wonderful Jessie J and the Stereophonics,

I'll be creeping into another person's house to play the Midnight Game Show,

and who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show. Please welcome your host,

Michael McIntyre.

Yay!

Hello. Hi.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to my Big Show!

Yeah!

Tonight, of course, we will have big stars.

CHEERING

Big laughs.

And even bigger surprises.

I will, again, be playing my favourite game in the whole wide world, Send To All.

We have the most sensational Unexpected Star of tonight's show.

And of course I'll be sneaking into another bedroom

for the Midnight Game Show!

All right.

So, it's the winter now, when the clocks go back,

that's the autumn one, the back is the good one, because you gain an hour.

My wife is always on at me to change the one in the kitchen. That's the clock, she likes that clock.

She's, like, "Can you just make sure that the kitchen one...?"

OK, every year, "Can you sort the kitchen one out?

"Can you change that for me, darling? Cos it's on the other time

"and the clocks have changed now, the clocks have gone back."

Sounds an easy job. As you take the clock, it's like an old-fashioned clock,

take it off the wall and there's just the nail sticking out,

and on the back there's a wire, then you fiddle it, you fiddle it.

There's a little, little box, like a tiny little mechanism

with an AA battery, which I think is our favourite.

I think it's our favourite battery,

cos we know that we always have it in stock, you know?

If it's AA, I probably have that, I have it.

Triple A is OK.

Cs and Ds it gets a little bit more tense.

When it's a square one you're like, "There's no way I've got this one."

The square one has a life under it.

You don't even need to put it in. The square one,

there's a wire and a hat, you can actually put it on...

I'm outside of the appliance, I'm the square battery.

Anyway, you twiddle it back an hour and then you think,

"I'll just pop that back on the wall."

There's the nail, there's the wire, you keep a visual on the nail,

visual on the wire, you start moving the clock towards the wall.

You maintain visuals, I see the nail, there's the wire.

You lose visuals, but you don't panic.

You just adjust your position and that should slot nicely onto the...

Why hasn't it?

You don't panic, you look again.

There's the nail, there's the wire

and it's just hovering above it,

so if I don't move it and then move it in, that should just slot on...

I don't understand.

After a while, you don't even look,

you just start dragging it down the wall, surely it should collect the nail?

It's like someone's standing behind the wall just removing the nail.

"Ssh, don't tell him."

Last year, it took me over an hour to put the clock back on the wall.

I lost the hour that we'd gained from the clocks going back.

For most people the clocks go back an hour.

For me, they went forward seven minutes.

OK. Ladies and gentlemen, who would like to play Send To All?

CHEERING

So, let's see who's in our

Send To All box this week.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the Premier League's highest ever goal scorer,

a bona fide legend.

I'm going to start you off - Shearer! Shearer!

CROWD CHANTS: Shearer! Shearer!

It's Alan Shearer, ladies and gentlemen!

Yay! Hi!

Hello.

How many times a day, honestly, do people say the word, "Legend"?

-I never tire of it.

-You'll never tire of it!

What about actually chanting "Shearer" to your face?

-Does that happen a lot as well?

-Yes, quite a few times, yeah.

All right. You never tire of it, which is good.

Legend. Who are you here with tonight, Alan?

I'm here with my two daughters, Chloe and Holly.

Chloe and Holly, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

Welcome, Chloe and Holly.

How are you? How are you both?

-Good, thank you.

-Do you feel like your father's a legend?

LAUGHTER

No. He is a good dad.

Depends what mood he's in, how much sleep he's had, I guess.

When I was younger, my granny bought me a recorder for Christmas.

-Lovely.

-You know how you love getting instruments when you're a kid?

And we had to make the long drive home,

so obviously, the day after Christmas, we're driving home and I'm in the back,

blowing this recorder probably completely out of tune.

-Very loud.

-Very loud.

-And probably out of tune.

-And he's still angry about it.

And he turned round, "Chloe, I swear on my life,

"if you keep blowing that, I'm going to throw it out of the window."

And being the stubborn child that I am - I don't know who I get that from -

I obviously blew it, and I kid you not, he turned around,

he got the recorder and he flew it out the window.

Whoa.

We've all been there, haven't we?

No, we all stop at the threat.

So, Alan, you have the keys to the city of Newcastle.

You were such a legend in Newcastle, how often do you go there, you know,

visit your people, your disciples?

-I live there.

-Well, that's every day.

When I started out in comedy, my first-ever joke was about Geordies.

-I hope it's a good one.

-I don't know, shall I do it now? Shall I bring it, dust it off?

I can't believe I'm about to do my Geordie joke to the King of Newcastle.

A true Geordie says the letter A and the letter E in exactly the same way.

A is "Eeer" and E is "Eeer".

How do they live their lives? How do they pass eye tests?

"Eeer, eeer, eeer, eeer.

"Can I change the last one from an eeer to an eeer?"

# Old MacDonald had a farm

# Eeer, eeer, eeer Eeer, eeer, eeer. #

# A E I O U

# Eeer, eeer, eeer, eeer, eeer. #

"I've hurt me leg, I'm off to Eeer & Eeer. All right?"

OK, I don't think he enjoyed it.

Let's carry on.

OK. I can't thank you enough for being here

and for doing this and giving us your mobile phone.

I'm going to ask you to place your phone into the cushion here,

and normally we have some music actually when the phone comes down,

but I thought we would create that with the classic Shearer chant.

All right, here we go.

Shearer! Shearer!

ALL: Shearer! Shearer! Shearer! Shearer! Shearer! Shearer! Shearer!

Yay!

Very good.

It's got me going! It's got me going!

Oh, you're on O2, I thought you'd be on Eeer Eeer.

Oh, dear.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Alan Shearer's home screen.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-What's that bridge?

-It's Tyne Bridge, yeah.

Tyne Bridge. Oh. Did you put that on just for today?

No, it's always on there.

"I'll go for the bridge, all right?"

Flick Golf. Is this fun? Is this what you get up to, then, Alan?

-Just on the aeroplane when I'm bored.

-What a fun guy you are!

Oh, these are your alarms.

Oh, they're...

These... What?

Alan, are you a narcoleptic?

Do you, literally, fall asleep every five minutes?

-I'm just busy.

-Busy or incredibly tired.

"Listen, love, I've had a bit of Flick Golf, I'm going to turn in for four minutes.

"I'll set the alarm."

Look at this, that's 5.34 and 5.35!

How precise is your life?!

So, let's see...

Ooh, I'll have a... Do you mind?

Before we get onto the text, I'll have a quick look at your life,

at your photos. Oh, very cute dog.

Aww!

That's your dog having a big yawn.

You're like, "Would you like me to set the alarm for you?"

"Would you like a little nap?

"I can offer you 1.02, 1.04, 1.06."

-Oh, hello. Goodness.

-Oh.

Holiday shot. Maybe we'll move on to... Oh, it's got worse!

Alan!

What's the crack here?

-That is...

-They're two friends, Franco and Brian Trent.

Fine buttocks.

So, there you are, this is good holiday stuff.

Oh, it's Sheeran! Sheeran! Sheeran! Sheeran!

All right, there's you and Wrighty.

This is great fun. OK. There's Wrighty on his mobility scooter.

Ooh, here we go.

That's you... Oh, is this you on your way to vote for Brexit?

You like to keep your opinions close to your chest.

"I'm just popping out to, er, vote in the referendum, love."

Right, let's put this text in. Now, what we're going to do is put this

text in, it's just fun, we'll see what happens at the end.

OK, so, the text I'm going to send

into Alan Shearer's phone is as follows -

"I'm looking

"for an assistant

"and think you

would be perfect."

Do you currently have an assistant?

Not an assistant, no, just a help, just a little helper.

OK. A little...

Are you Father Christmas?

"I can double your current

"salary.

"Duties include...

"..managing my diary...

"ironing my...

MICHAEL CHUCKLES

"..Match Of The Day shirts...

"..sports massage...

"..on old injuries."

We're going to go a little bit more specific with those.

"Mainly hamstring...

"..and groin."

"And golf caddying.

"Let me know...

"ASAP."

How would you end a text, Alan?

Thanks, Al.

Is that emoji, would that pop in there?

Yeah, a little emoji with my arm in the air, yeah.

Do you really do that? You do your celebration?

Right. OK.

We'll go, "Thanks, Al."

And then we'll go with the emoji.

That is lovely.

OK. So let's go through this text.

Would you mind reading it, so we've got a real flavour,

it feels like the flavour of Shearer?

"I'm looking for an assistant and think you would be perfect.

"I can double your current salary.

"Duties include managing my diary, ironing my Match Of The Day shirts,

"sports massage on old injuries, mainly hamstring and groin,

"and golf caddying.

"Let me know ASAP. Thanks, Al."

Shall we do it?

Shall we send it, ladies and gentlemen?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Ready? All right. That has... That's gone! Delivered!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. The fantastic...

What a wonderful sport he is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Alan. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, what a treat we have for you now.

Please welcome one of the country's finest singing talents and a true

pop superstar. It's Jessie J.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Stop playing with your body, lady

# Stop feeling like you're not enough

# Stop feeding into the haters

# Stop and give yourself some love

# Whoa-oh-oh

# Stop staring at the mirror getting faded

# Saying you won't fall in love

# Stop trusting all these fake idiots

# Trust me they don't give a ...

# Whoa-oh-oh

# I'm tired of seeing it

# I'm tired of feeling this

# The world says beauty is changing It's fake expectation

# And the riff

# Let's get naked

# Start meditating

# Feel elevated and say I love my body

# I love my skin

# I am a goddess

# I am a queen

# I love my body

# I love my skin

# I am a goddess

# I am a queen

# Stop chasing all the hype My girl

# Stop trying to change who you are

# Stop cutting yourself up on the outside

# When inside is left with scars

# That can't be healed with something materialistic

# Can't be healed by a man who stays distant

# It's deeper

# Save yourself before you betray yourself

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ay!

# I'm tired of seeing it So tired

# I'm tired of feeling this Yeah

# The world says beauty is changing

# It's fake expectation And the riff

# Let's get naked

# Start meditating

# Feel elevated and say I love my body

# I love my skin

# I am a goddess

# I am a queen

# I love my body

# I love my skin

# I am a goddess

# I am a queen

# I love my body

# I love my skin

# I am a goddess

# I am a queen

# I love my body

# I love my skin

# I am a goddess

# I am a queen

# I love my body I love my skin

# I am a goddess I am a queen

# I love my body I love my skin

# I am a goddess, I am a queen... #

Sing it, come on.

-# I love my... AUDIENCE:

-..body

-I love my... AUDIENCE:

-..skin

-# I am a... AUDIENCE:

-..goddess

# I am a queen, hey! #

Thank you.

Whoa!

Jessie J, ladies and gentlemen.

Amazing! Look at the love, feel the love for Jessie J!

-Jessie, that was amazing.

-That was fun.

-We love that song.

-Thanks for having me.

-Ain't they amazing? They love you.

-This is so beautiful, yeah.

-They love you.

-# I love my body I love my skin... #

-Sing.

-I've got a version of that.

After extreme Photoshopping, # I love my body... #

No. I've got to love my body.

-You have to love your body and love your skin.

-Really?

You have a goddess, you are a king. Yeah, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, we must all love our bodies and our skin

but we absolutely, for sure, love the fantastic Jessie J.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What about that?

Thank you so, so much. Amazing.

So brilliant! What a voice!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to find out

who is going to be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show.

CHEERING

So, here is tonight's Unexpected Star.

There she is.

It's Sanjna.

She is 17-year-old A-level student from Harrow.

She is currently training for her black belt in taekwondo!

There she is. AUDIENCE OOHS AND APPLAUSE

She means business.

Sanjna is coming to our secret location

which is adjacent to the theatre and she thinks she's coming here

to help teach a beginners class in taekwondo.

Let me show you the room as it was earlier today,

and, tonight, this is what it looks like.

It is the MMBS - see what we've done there? Yeah?

It stands for Michael McIntyre's Big Show

for those of you who are less clued up.

So, Sanjna thinks she's coming there to help her taekwondo master Aryan

teach a class. Aryan is, of course, in on the whole thing.

Nothing, in fact, is real.

The real reason Sanjna is here is because her passion is singing,

and tonight we're going to find out how she reacts

to what will be the biggest night of her life.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, let's go live now to that room

and hope that Sanjna is already in it,

and yes, she is.

So, that is Sanjna there, she's taking a glass of water.

They're all having a break.

SHE CHUCKLES

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

That is happening right at this moment.

Sanjna has been nominated by her mum Chhaya and her dad Pravin

and they are here in the audience tonight.

We're going to have a little chat with them

and find out all about her.

Where's Chhaya? Chhaya!

Mwah! Mwah!

Hi, Chhaya. And Pravin! Pravin, hi.

It's Chhaya and Pravin, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mum and Dad.

Yes.

So, tell us about Sanjna?

Sanjna has a passion for singing,

a very confident person.

-How do you think she'll handle tonight?

-I don't know.

I thought she was very confident! What happened to her confidence?

I know she's confident, but I don't want to be in her shoes tonight.

No. Don't worry, you're not going to be in her shoes.

-No, thank God.

-And you nominated her for this.

-I did nominate her, yes.

-Having seen the show.

-I had seen your show.

We were absolutely intrigued with the show we saw.

That's my best ever review, thank you.

LAUGHTER

Absolutely intriguing.

One day, I hope the show can be described as funny.

For now, we'll accept "intriguing".

LAUGHTER

-So, let's say hi to Dad. Hi, Dad.

-Hi.

-So, um...

"What about me?" says... Who's this young man?

Hello, what about you? Who are you in relation to Sanjna?

-Her brother.

-Yeah.

-Do you get on well with Sanj?

-Kind of.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

And what do you think of her singing?

Good, she could have a good music career, yeah.

-You think she can have a good...? Are you Simon Cowell?

-No!

He's a young Simon Cowell.

Fantastic. Well, thanks for coming, my friend.

And Dad, how do you think Sanj is going to cope with tonight?

-I think she's going to be fine.

-Sorry!

LAUGHTER

Taken the mic. He's taken it.

He's taken it away. He's obviously rehearsed something.

Go on.

The show's ours!

# This is your moment! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, brother.

OK...

You should say something.

How do you think Sanjna will...? Don't take the mic!

LAUGHTER

How's Sanjna going to react?

I think she's good, she's a confident girl,

so I think she shouldn't be shocked.

Yeah. She's going to be shocked?

-No.

-Not shocked.

She's going to take it completely in her stride?

She's going to walk out the thing and go, "Mum, Dad, you all right?"

LAUGHTER

How many people have come here to support Sanjna tonight?

LOUD CHEERING

Wow, they're all up!

CHEERING

There are people who aren't even here with Sanjna

standing at this point. OK. Well, we're very, very excited.

Thank you all for coming.

What a great, great party of people! Let's carry on. Whoohoo!

APPLAUSE

All right.

I think it's time to have a little bit of fun.

So, we can hear them now.

One, two! Huh!

Oh, goodness. Someone's just vomited.

So, I can communicate with a couple of people, that's Seamus there.

Seamus, if you can hear me,

catch yourself in the mirror and pull out a nose hair.

Gilly -

that's Gilly on the right -

if you can hear me, say, "Hiyah!" and do a big kick.

Hiyah!

-Taekwondo.

-ALL:

-Taekwondo!

Gilly, if you can put your hand up

and say, "Can I ask a question, please?"

Can I ask a question, please?

Yeah, sure.

"When do we learn the death choke?"

When do we learn the death choke?

We haven't got... There's nothing like that.

We don't call it "death choke".

Gilly, say, "I like to work with nunchuks."

Well, I'd like to work with some nunchuks.

Gilly, just say, "Can I tell you all why I'm here?"

Look, sorry, can I tell you all why I'm here?

"My neighbour Eileen's been giving my husband Norman the eye."

My neighbour Eileen's been giving my husband Norman the eye.

"Although it's hard to tell as one of them is glass."

Although it's hard to tell cos one of them's glass.

"She needs a good kicking."

Yeah, well she needs a good kicking, love.

You could have brought her here!

Gilly, say, "Eileen's got a false hip on the right."

Eileen's got a false hip on the right.

"So I need to kick her on the left."

So I need to kick her on the left.

Seamus, can you say, "Can we get on with the class, please?"

Can we get on with the class, please?

"You shut up or I'll soon have you."

Oh, shut up, or I'll soon have you!

OK, Gilly, just get back to normal now.

Come on.

I think we pushed that as far as we could.

Let me tell you briefly what's going to happen.

She's going to be brought up to meet the Grand Master.

The Grand Master will be played by me.

So, I will wait for her in my studio and as soon as she comes in,

I'm going to go, "Hiyah!" and then kick the walls down

and then they're going to fall down.

And then you're going to go nuts.

That's the plan, let's hope it works.

All right, good luck to all of you.

And then, of course, she'll be singing us out

which her family are so confident, I can't wait to hear that.

OK. I think we're almost ready to bring her up.

But how, you might ask, are we going to get Sanjna to come up

to meet the Grand Master.

Well, for that, I'm going to need a little bit of help.

It's the Taekwondo Heavyweight World Champion,

Britain's own Bianca Walkden.

Bianca, there she is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi.

-Hello!

OK, Bianca.

-Yes.

-Huge congratulations for winning two World Championships.

CHEERING

OK. Your first line is going to be,

"Welcome to my dojang that I own with the Grand Master."

-OK. OK.

-Good luck.

-OK.

-Thank you, Bianca.

-OK.

So, if you was coming at me,

and you've got me arms, how would I...?

-Hello.

-Hi.

Welcome to my dojang.

Hi, Hi. Hello, how are you, OK?

-Say, "Do you recognise me?"

-Do you recognise me?

Then say, "Ask me how many gold medals I've won."

Ask me how many gold medals I've got.

-Three?

-I wish I had three, but I've got two.

Boom!

LAUGHTER

Thank you, thank you.

Right, now say, "Can I just sit in and watch for a bit?"

Can I just sit down and watch from a bit? Is it OK? Just sit here.

And going round and the camera should pick me up

and you'll see me in there.

And really, really, I have to ask you, when this all is happening,

just be super quiet until the wall falls down.

OK. You all up for that? Everybody in on this?

Let's do this. Right, I'm heading out.

Hello, everybody.

OK. So, I am in my room,

I've got to get dressed, I've got to get dressed, hold on.

I've got to Grand Master up.

MUFFLED: They've decked... Ohh!

They've decked the place out with some things

just to make it authentic...

That's me after Christmas.

LAUGHTER

Oh, where's my black belt?

Where is it?

Oh, yes! There it is.

Right, black belt, all right, OK.

Aah.

Waaah!

Hi....

All right, I'm feeling I'm in it, I'm in it.

I'm going to phone Bianca

and ask her to come up to meet the Grand Master

and then this is all going to happen

and then this is going to fall down and we're going to see all of you.

OK.

Let's see, here we go. I'm ringing her now.

RINGTONE PLAYS: Gold by Spandau Ballet

Sorry, hang on, I really need to take this.

It's the Grand Master. Hello?

Bianca, Bianca, this is the Grand Master.

Please send up Sanjna to meet me. Thank you.

Oh, OK. Of course, Grand Master, I'll be there soon.

OK, bye. Bye-bye.

The Grand Master wants to come and see you, you two.

Do you want to come with me now?

Is that OK?

Just come this way, dead quick.

Be careful of your leg, yeah.

Thank you.

So, cos like, we co-own it with the Grand Master, so...

INDISTINCT

If it wasn't, if he wasn't there, I wouldn't be...

Like, he's my Grand Master.

He's quality. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I'll let you in one at a time.

When you go in, just put your shoes to the side

and just stand there and say, "Hi." Yeah, OK. Just go in.

Hiya.

Hiya!

Hiya!

LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE YELLS

-Oh, my...

-Sanjna, it's going to be on TV.

It's going to be on TV.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show, Sanjna!

-It's OK.

-I was watching you the other day, I was watching you!

Well, Sanjna, we have been watching you all night, next door.

Look over there, it's only your mum and dad

and all your friends and family!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sanj, what a millennial you are

that as soon as you came out,

you started making your own TV show on your phone.

I was so confused. I was like, I thought you were like legit, like.

-I didn't know what to say.

-Yes, you thought I was the Grand Master.

-Oh, my gosh.

-Come and join me on stage.

What about that? Sanj, wasn't she amazing? Sanjna!

CHEERING

-Come on. Come over here, let's have a chat.

-That's so bad.

So, Sanjna, everything that's been going on next door...

I haven't got my glasses on!

Well, even without your glasses, let me explain what's in front of you.

There is 2,500 blurry people.

Oh, that's Santosh.

Yes, we've recognised Santosh.

-And Auntie.

-Yes, Auntie's here.

SHE YELLS

Yeah, come on, let's go closer.

We can get a closer look.

You see them now?

ALL SCREAM

Everybody's here, there's your brother,

and they're all going to support you tonight, Sanjna.

Do you remember these guys?

-There they are.

-Oh, my God, this happens!

Yeah, this does happen.

Sanj, apart from taekwondo, what do you enjoy doing?

-Er, singing.

-Ah...

Well, what we're going to ask you tonight

is if you will be something called our Unexpected Star of the show,

and you're going to sing us out for these people

and for the millions watching at home.

But, of course, you have to agree, Sanjna.

-Yes, of course.

-Will you do it? Sanjna's up for it, well done.

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show, Sanjna!

Off you go that way.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play the Midnight Gameshow.

This is no ordinary game show, ladies and gentlemen.

The contestants in Midnight Gameshow had no idea

that they would be indeed taking part.

They went to sleep safe and sound, tucked up in their beds,

only to be woken up in the dead of night

by me and the camera crew,

to answer a series of questions

while semi-conscious in the Midnight Gameshow.

Yes, this is the only game show

where if you snooze...

-ALL:

-You lose!

Tonight's contestant is Lee.

He is a 30-year-old plasterer from Essex

and he was set up by his wife Taylor.

Lee and Taylor are here in the audience tonight

and we're going to go and have a chat with them.

Where are you Lee? There they are.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Lee and Taylor.

Come on, Lee.

Oh, Lee.

Darling, how are you?

-I'm good.

-And, of course, Taylor, you're pregnant!

Round of applause, congratulations.

So, you set him up. Why would you do such a thing to him?

Well, he likes to think of himself as a comedian.

-Right. Likewise.

-So, I thought, who better to prank you...

than his like biggest, you know, comedian ever.

He loves you.

Lee, when I met you in the middle of the night,

which is at three o'clock in the morning, I didn't get a sense

that you knew who I or anybody else in the world was.

So, what do you remember

the night you went to sleep, then, just a regular evening?

Well, yeah.

The room was clean, which...

Oh, bit rude!

-..hasn't been cleaned for a while.

-I know!

-So you tidied up a bit.

-I just didn't think nothing of it.

And went to sleep, and there you was.

LAUGHTER

So, there's a couple of things we need to talk about

before we watch it. Firstly, you are a football fan.

You do support the Spurs, Tottenham Hotspur.

CHEERING

All right, all right, all right!

You've even got a tattoo of the cockerel.

So, a big fan of Spurs.

Another thing we need to talk about

is your very neat hair currently.

It's not like that in the middle of the night, is it?

No.

And the last thing I need to get out of the way is, I think,

the problem here is that you had just woken up

before we got into the room.

And this led to, without a shadow of a doubt,

the most extreme reaction...

..we've ever had.

Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy Lee's Midnight Gameshow.

CHEERING

OWL HOOTS

Here we go again.

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Ughhh!

Lee!

Welcome to the Midnight Gameshow!

Lee's on the floor. Lee, welcome!

How are you? Good to see you.

Pretty extreme reaction.

-Are you all right, are you all right?

-Yeah.

Are you OK? How are you? How are you?

This is the Midnight Gameshow.

Lovely to meet you, my friend.

Let's get comfortable, there are prizes to be won.

Come on. Goodness me, goodness me.

Just relax. We're going to ask...

Lie down...

Lee, we're going to crack on

because the bedside clock is ticking.

I'm going to ask you to name three breeds of dog, Lee.

Alsatian.

-CHIME That's correct.

-Golden retriever.

-CHIME You're absolutely fine.

-Pit bull.

CHIME Amazing. You don't have one!

Maybe you need to get one so this doesn't happen again!

OK. What word are these cheerleaders spelling?

THEY CHEER

# Y-A-W-N, say YAWN! #

ALL CHEER

OK, what's that word?

-What?

-Y-A-W-N.

Yawn!

CHIME Yawn, congratulations.

ALL CHEER Thanks, girls, thank you!

Thank you, thank you.

Who, Lee, is this?

Hello, Ossie! How are you?

Sorry, I'm going to need his full name.

Ossie Ardiles.

CHIME That's the correct answer.

Jolly good.

OK. Could you please now chant

any well-known Spurs song?

# Glory, glory, Tottenham Hotspurs!

# Glory, glory, Tottenham Hotspurs!

# Glory, glory, Tottenham Hotspurs!

# And the Spurs go marching in! #

CHIME Yes!

That's another point, congratulations!

Very good. Thank you very much, Ossie Ardiles! Legend!

Right, now, I'm going to ask you, Lee,

to complete the lyric at the end of this song.

# What have you done today to make me feel...? #

So good?

BUZZER "So good"?

LAUGHTER

-So good!

-Bad.

It's a new version.

# What have you done to me to make you feel...so good? #

Complete this lyric.

# Search for the hero... #

Inside yourself.

CHIME Yay. Much better. Much better.

Much better. And we have one more.

# Moving on up you're moving on out

# Time to break free nothing can... #

Stop me.

CHIME Yay. Very, very good.

Stop the bedside clock! And goodnight!

APPLAUSE

-I know.

-Oh, good.

LAUGHTER

Well done. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done. That was really, really good.

Can we watch that again?

Let's have a look at you deal with somebody breaking in in the night?

Ugh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lee!

Oh, brilliant.

You took it in your stride a bit with Ossie?

-Yeah.

-Had you met him before?

-No, no.

-This is a Spurs legend, he's won the World Cup!

-Yeah, yeah.

He just walked he and you were like old mates, really. "Hello, Ossie."

Like he normally brings you your cocoa in the middle of the night!

"It's time you to wake up, Mr Lee.

"Work is coming, I've drawn you a bath. OK?"

Brilliant. Well, listen, Taylor, thank you so, so much

-for setting him up.

-Thank you.

-You've been a brilliant sport.

For taking part, you have qualified

for our iconic silver Do Not Disturb sign

which means this will never happen to you again.

So, you can have that. We've also got you a couple of presents here.

I have you a set of hairbrushes...

..for before you go to sleep, there you go.

And, of course, I've also got this signed...

This is from Ossie Ardiles, one of your heroes.

This is for you, and it says, "Sweet dreams, Ossie Ardiles."

-That's for you to remember the night. Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen...

It's Lee and his wife Taylor!

CHEERING

Ah, brilliant.

# Y-A-W-N, say Y-A-W-N! #

"Sorry, don't know."

LAUGHTER

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure

to welcome one of the most successful British bands

of all time here tonight, and Welsh rock royalty,

it's the Stereophonics!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Wolves in the woods

# Don't play by the rules

# From mouth to ear

# Anything's possible

# Set the needle down

# Take it back to the start

# When do we lose

# Just how free we are?

# Help yourself to what you want

# Get caught by the wind

# Believing you can fly

# Celebrate everything

# Sunbathing on the roof

# Watching aeroplanes

# Believing you can live

# Yeah, forever and a day

# Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa

# Whoa, oh, oh

# Whoa, oh-oh, oh, whoa

# Every chain got a broken link

# Jump off the boat you can swim or sink

# The swallows dive through the summer nights

# Something beautiful money just don't buy

# Help yourself to what you want

# Get caught by the wind

# Believing you can fly

# Celebrate everything

# Sunbathing on the roof

# Watching aeroplanes

# Believing you can live

# Yeah, forever and a day

# Don't say it's over

# It's never over

# There's always time to change

# And start again today

# Right now

# Wolves in the woods

# Don't play by the rules

# From mouth to ear

# Anything's possible

# Help yourself to what you want

# Get caught by the wind

# Believing you can fly

# Celebrate everything

# Sunbathing on the roof

# Watching aeroplanes

# Believing you can live

# Yeah, forever and a day

-# Oh, yeah

-Whoa, whoa

-# Oh, yeah

-Whoa, whoa, oh-oh

-# Oh, yeah, celebrate everything

-Whoa, whoa

-# Oh, yeah

-Help yourself to what you want

-# Yeah

-Get caught by the wind

-# Yeah

-Believing you can fly

-# Oh, get caught by the wind

-Celebrate everything

-# Oh, yeah

-Sunbathing on the roof

-# Oh, yeah

-Watching aeroplanes

-# Oh, yeah

-Believing you can live

-# Oh, be caught but the wind

-Yeah, forever and a day. #

Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

-Stereophonics, ladies and gentlemen!

Tune! Tune!

LAUGHTER

I was going to have a chat to them!

All right. I don't know if Kelly just pressed some button.

It was like the garage door.

IN WELSH ACCENT: "All right, McIntyre."

Stereophonics, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out

what replies Alan Shearer has received.

It's time to play Send To All.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

All right, Alan. Let's get this on.

Let's remind you of what the text was.

The text that I sent in to Alan Shearer's phone

earlier tonight was...

..with the emoji of his old celebration.

OK. I can tell you that a text has just come in from Ant.

-Would that be Ant Ant?

-That would be Ant Ant, yes.

Ant from Ant and Dec.

OK. It's so fun!

"It's a deal. Particularly happy about the groin massage!"

LAUGHTER

Straight in. He's loving it.

Ant McPartlin is your new assistant.

Although you're going to have to pay him quite a hefty salary.

-"Tongue Jo"?

-Oh, no, that's my daughter's boss.

-That's my boss.

-Your boss?

Why is she called Tongue...?

-She's Jo Tongue.

-Oh, Jo Tongue, OK.

"Your tight satin Match Of The Day shirts need ironing?

"Just stretch them over your retirement belly!"

And then a nice emoji of the winking...

"But I reckon I could manage your diary.

"Saturday night, 10.30pm, repeat weekly."

LAUGHTER

"How hard can it be?"

OK. Jermaine Jenas is in.

"Does it also include having to polish that bald head of yours?"

Ronan Keating - "Double my salary?

"Jeez, did you win the EuroMillions?

"I'm in, when do I start?"

-Who's Mobile Nigel?

-He's my brother-in-law - Nigel's mobile.

"Your Match Of The Day shirts should be in the bin,

"and I wouldn't touch your old legs if you paid me triple my salary.

"I would have a go at caddying, though, let me know, old timer."

Rob Armstrong, just a quick one, who's that?

Crazy friend from Newcastle.

-What does he do for a living?

-You don't want to know.

-Well, I think we do. What does Rob do?

-He was a debt collector.

-He's a debt collector?

-He was.

-And he's a crazy friend from Newcastle.

-He is crazy, yeah.

-I think we can all picture this guy.

He's a big lad, and he's like, "All right, Alan?"

He's only texted five words.

One of them is the word "when" which he's spelt W-E-N.

And he's just gone, "Mint, wen do I start?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Mint, wen do I start?"

OK. Mark Lawrenson! Ah, all these legendary players

and pundits coming through.

"Don't think I'm qualified enough, sorry.

"Try Hansen, he's doing sweet FA."

OK. Dec. Let's go for...

We've had Ant. Ant and Dec.

"Hi, Al, not sure this was meant for me.

"I'll gladly iron your shirt for double my current salary,

"but I reckon you'll only be able to afford me for two weeks.

"PS, I'll do the hamstring and groin rubs for free, though."

There you go. Dec's in on that. All right.

Oh, my God, a hilarious one's just come in from Peter Davo.

-Who's that?

-He's a friend of mine in Newcastle.

-His friend of yours?

He's just gone, "You never had a hamstring injury.

"You have to run fast to get of those!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. Jo Thompson?

-Oh.

-Who's Jo Thompson?

-She's the wife of a friend of mine.

Alan Thompson, he used to play for Newcastle.

I don't know what this is about

but it is the longest text you've ever received.

And it has ticks in it.

"Number one, managing diary, tick.

"Number two, ironing..." in brackets,

"..got a Girl Guides' Happy Housekeeper badge. Tick.

"Number three, massage in very sensitive

"and sometimes painful areas..."

in brackets, "full-on PhD in this one, double tick.

"Number four, caddying, question mark.

"Hm. Then three emojis of the thinking person.

"Now we're in uncharted territory.

"Mind you, if it helps,

"I'm very experienced in lugging around a dead weight on my back.

"Well, you've given me a right good laugh there.

"Terms and conditions, mind, salary, four question marks.

"Double of nothing is nothing.

"So, as long as there is a lifetime of friendship,

"love and happiness for all of our gorgeous families, I'm in!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Take the job card out of the Post Office window, position filled!"

Love it! She's got it, she's in. You've been such, such fun.

Alan Shearer, thank you so, so much in for being here.

Ladies and gentlemen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-ALL CHANT:

-Shearer, Shearer, Shearer, Shearer!

It's Alan Shearer! Fantastic, bravo.

Thank you so much, Alan.

OK. Earlier tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

as you remember, we surprised Sanjna.

But Sanjna reached for her phone

in the moment to record... This is what young people are like.

As soon as anything happens, they just start filming it.

And she filmed it. So, I think we've actually got that footage of her.

Have we got that of what Sanjna filmed?

Sanjna, it's going to be on TV. It's going to be on TV.

CHEERING

So, that is Sanjna's own footage of what happened earlier,

which is amazing. So, she has been backstage rehearsing,

and getting ready for her big performance.

Let's have a little look at how our Unexpected Star

of this show has been getting on.

When I went into that dojo,

I thought I was training a new beginner class of taekwondo.

I actually was thinking, "It's legit."

I thought it was legit.

So, when he kicked down the wall, I wanted to burst out laughing.

Oh, my gosh. I was really shocked.

So, Sanjna was in total shock when she walked in.

She said she felt like she was in a dream.

And actually her voice is beautiful, so,

she's got a real depth to her sound for a 17-year-old.

She sounds great.

-I can speak to you on that.

-It's crispy.

There's a huge note at the end of the song

that she has to hold for a long time. When she first tried it,

she didn't have the breath support to be able to do it.

But now she's really nailing it

that's probably the peak moment of the song.

She's been in hair styling, staging, vocals.

She's got a ten-piece orchestra,

and some band there. Her voice needs to raise to the occasion.

But I think she's going to be all right, fingers crossed. Let's go.

Now that I've done all the rehearsals,

I'm really excited to go on stage,

and just, it's going to go really good.

It's a dream come true, to be honest.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment has arrived.

This is an absolutely massive moment for Sanjna.

Please give her all the love you possibly can.

Please welcome our Unexpected Star of the tonight show, it's Sanjna!

WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Birds flyin' high you know how I feel

# Sun in the sky you know how I feel

# Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

# It's a new dawn it's a new day

# It's a new life

# For me

# And I'm feelin' good

# Dragonfly out in the sun

# You know what I mean don't you know

# Butterflies all havin' fun

# You know what I mean

# Sleep in peace when day is done

# That's what I mean

# And this old world is a new world

# And a bold world

# For me

# Stars when you shine you know how I feel

# Scent of the pine you know how I feel, yeah

# Freedom is mine

# And I know how I feel

# It's a new dawn, it's a new day

# It's a new life

# It's a new dawn, it's a new day

# It's a new life

# It's a new dawn, it's a new day

# It's a new life

# For me

# And I'm feeling good. #

WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sanjna, ladies and gentlemen!

Sanj!

Well done. Look at that!

CHEERING CONTINUES

Oh, wow.

That was amazing.

Sanj!

Woo!

SANJNA LAUGHS Woo!

You have got sass.

-How did you find that?

-It was quite overwhelming.

You were amazing. Wasn't she amazing? Come on!

CHEERING What about that?!

Mum's in bits over there.

So proud.

Come on, Mum. Come up. Come on, Mum and Dad.

APPLAUSE

It's Chhaya!

Well done, Chhaya.

Keep coming, come on, guys.

Oh! They're all coming up!

Ooh, hello. Hello.

Jeez, are you kidding? It's the whole audience!

Are you joking!

What?!

LAUGHTER

All right, where's Sanjna?

I can't find her!

Oh, look at you.

Oh, what's going on here?

Are you OK? Do you know Sanjna?

Yeah...

Sorry. There's so many people on the stage, I... I just had to check.

So, listen, ladies and gentlemen,

please, one more time for an absolutely sensational

Unexpected Star of tonight's show,

our taekwondo-fighting Sanjna! CHEERING

Well done. Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you know somebody you'd like to nominate

to be an Unexpected Star of the show for the next series,

or in fact want to nominate someone for any surprise,

please go to bbc.co.uk/bigshow for all the details.