Episode 2 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show,

Danny Dyer hands over his blower in Send To All.

There's a surprise visit from Gary Barlow.

Comedy from Russell Kane and music from chart sensations Clean Bandit.

And who will be tonight's unexpected star of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show.

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!

Hey-hey! Woohoo!

APPLAUSE

Well, hello, good evening.

That's very kind. Yay!

And welcome to my Big Show!

CHEERING

We're going to have, of course, big stars, big laughs,

and even bigger surprises!

We will be playing my favourite game in the whole wide world,

which would be Send To All, ladies and gentlemen, it's a good one.

And of course we'll be surprising another Unexpected Star Of The Show!

So thank you for coming here.

Thank you for... Thank you for spending a little bit of time

away from your mobile phones,

because I know it's a little tense in the modern world.

I don't know what happens to chargers.

Everybody gets a charger with their phone.

Why do households always end up with one charger in the kitchen?

That everybody fights and steals?

There's no love in homes any more.

People will steal power now!

You put your phone on charge and leave it for a period of time,

you come back after a few hours, expecting it to be on 80, 90, 100%.

Your phone is just next to the charger

and somebody else in the house is on the charger.

And they defend it.

All about the battery life.

"You've stolen. Why did you take my phone off the charger?"

"You were on 62! And I was only on 14."

I don't remember announcing to the house,

"Guys, keep an eye on my phone.

"Soon as I hit 62, that's enough for me, that's going to be enough for me."

People cannot cope. When your phone runs out of battery,

it's like your life is over. "How am I going to live?

"How am I going to live, I've got no power.

"My phone's dead. My phone's dead."

You suddenly miss all these things.

"I can't look up on Google.

"I can't look at photos.

"I can't receive calls.

"I don't know what I'm going to do.

"The maps, I might need the maps. "I don't know what to do."

But it wasn't so long ago, OK,

many people in this room will remember this,

that we used to not have mobile phones.

And it wasn't such a panic when we left the house.

We didn't used to leave the house and go,

"Oh, I don't think I can leave all this stuff behind, I might need it.

"Can you open the boot? I'm going to need to bring all my encyclopaedias,

"I might need to look something up.

"I am going to bring some board games, is that all right?

"I'm going to take some board games.

"Every photograph I've ever taken, I'm going to take all of those.

"My A to Z, my Ordnance Survey map,

"all my record collection, my entire...

"I'll need the back seat as well.

"All right, I'll take that compass, oh, and the torch.

"That's fine. I'm coming out."

We don't need those things!

OK, ladies and gentlemen, who wants to play Send To All?

Let's find out who is in our Send To All box this week.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the first time that the Big Show

has had genuine royalty in the royal box.

Please welcome...

FANFARE

It's Edward III's great, great, great, great, great, great, great

great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, great, great,

great grandson, Danny Dyer!

APPLAUSE

Go on, Danny!

Lap it up!

The big man's in town.

How does it feel, Danny?

-Good.

-Feel all right up there?

-Finally in the old royal box.

Suits you, mate.

Your Highness, who have you brought with you tonight to join you?

My mother, Christine.

Come on, Christine. Welcome, Christine.

My daughter, Dani.

Dani Dyer Junior! Hello, darling!

Hold up, hold up. Charlotte, ladies and gentlemen.

It's the Dyers, ladies and gentlemen!

Danny, how are you?

-How's it all going?

-Well, sir. Yeah, lovely.

So, this royal thing, how's that been?

People are struggling with it, I get the odd curtsy now and again.

But I am royalty, I am 197th to the throne, so, you know,

if there was a bit of an accident in Westminster Abbey,

then I would be king.

-Right.

-I think if Donald Trump can be president, why can't I be king?

Let's be fair.

CHEERING

How's EastEnders, Danny?

-How's that going?

-Yeah, it's going really well.

We're just filming some depressing stuff at the moment.

Oh. That's EastEnders, though.

That's EastEnders, though. Yeah, no, it's all going very well,

you know, I love it there, I love running the Vic.

Well, we love you in it and we love that you're here

-and putting yourself up for this.

-Thank you.

How do you feel about the prospect of handing over

your mobile phone tonight, Danny?

It's a nutty old thing, innit, really?

To just give some random geezer your phone.

Well, excuse me.

No, I don't know. I don't know, listen,

I don't know what you're going to text, do I, for a start?

-Yeah, that's true.

-I don't know what mood they're all in.

Yeah. So, Danny, all I'd like you to do

is to place your mobile phone into this contraption here,

if you can reach.

-Here we go.

-Thanks very much.

All right. This is...

And then I'll just bring that down.

# Roll out the barrel

# We'll have a barrel of fun

# Roll out the barrel

# Let's have a song of good cheer

# Now's the time to roll the barrel, one more

# Cos the gang's all here! #

Yay! Very good. Thank you, Danny.

I've got your blower.

OK, so I'm going to plug this in.

Yes!

Who is this lovely person?

That's my little Sunnie, that's my middle child.

So, what have we got here? There's a few apps knocking around here,

Football Strike, a bit of Scrabble.

How often are we playing Scrabble, Danny?

I don't mind a little game of Scrabble now and again, yeah.

Do you play with yourself or...?

-Do you play Scrabble with other...?

-Now and again.

-Is it pass and play?

It depends, if I've got someone round,

I'll have a little pass and play or...

A bit of pass and play.

You've got the ads on there, that's annoying, isn't it?

-I don't know how to take them off.

-You've got to pay for it, Danny.

You've got to pay.

Oh, yeah, a bit of Spotify.

Oh, these are... What?

Foreigner? Oh, Foreigner, what was their great hit?

-I want to...

-I Want To Know What Love Is.

I want you to show me.

Danny, I'm a little bit confused about what's going on in the Dyer household here.

APPLAUSE

Photos maybe, a few photos in here.

Yeah, I've got a few smudges in there, yeah.

There's some funny photos already.

What's this?

-What's this one, Danny?

-I turned 40 this year

and I thought I need to start growing up a little bit

and so I thought I would get into gardening.

I thought, I know what I'll do, I'll start pulling up some weeds,

I don't know if they were weeds, right?

Anyway, as I've bent down, that, right,

done me right in the eyeball.

I had to have time off work, I mean, I was bang in trouble.

Have you got a picture of it?

Is it on the phone?

-Yeah, look at the state of me.

-Oh, right!

Oh, that is so fun.

So, this is the result of your attempt at gardening.

Terrible, terrible. I had to go to work and tell them.

A week I was out of the game, Michael, a week!

Were people in the week saying, "Oi, Danny, had a bit of a tear up?"

And you're going, "No, I've taken up 'orticulture, mate."

This looks like an amazing photo.

What's that one about, Danny?

I was getting followed around by some weird geezer with a camera

so I thought if he followed me, I thought I'll follow him.

That's a good idea. There you go.

It's a reverse paparazzi shot.

OK, I think a bit of drumming going on.

Yeah, the worst Christmas present I ever bought.

It's annoying, isn't it?

Noisy, very, very noisy.

All right. I think it might be, it might be time...

I made a little telly stand, didn't I?

-I made it with my bare hands.

-You built that?

No, I got it out of IKEA, didn't I?

It does look IKEA.

OK, time to put the text into the telephone.

So, what we're going to do for this text

is we're actually going to send a photo with it,

so in order to take this photo,

we have a table that maybe we would find in your house.

So, the photo is going to be of this, of this letter,

ladies and gentlemen.

So that photo, it's from Downing Street.

Take a picture of that. All right.

So, that photo, it's from Downing Street, Danny.

It says, "Dear Danny Dyer," yeah?

"The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain

"and Northern Ireland has asked me to inform you that she proposes

"to submit your name to Her Majesty the Queen so that she may graciously

"approve your appointment as a knight of the realm."

Yeah, I love that all day long, go on.

We're going to send that photo with this message.

"This just came special delivery.

"Arise SIR..."

We'll go for capitals there.

"..DANNY DYER.

"This has totally done my nut."

Put spun, spun me nut.

This is... Yes! Thank you!

I knew you would play ball.

"This has totally spun me..."

Yeah, like that, M-E?

-Yeah, yeah, spun me nut, yeah.

-Spun me nut.

"It's an honour," yeah?

I don't know if I'd use full stops, to be honest with you.

Yeah?

All right, all right. I'm not proud of it.

We're going to roll this into one sentence.

"It's...an honour..."

-Yeah?

-Yeah, go on.

"But will...

"it damage...

"my hard man image?"

-Right?

-Oh, dear.

Next one. "I trust your opinion, mate.

"Shall I accept, or tell them...

"to jog on?"

Put "my love". "I trust your opinion, my love."

Because I say that to geezers and birds, so...

OK. "My love..."

And put, instead of a kiss, the Hammers, in the emoji thing.

-Oh, yeah?

-There's two...

-That's it, put the Hammers.

-West Ham Hammers?

-Oh, Hammers, all right.

-There you go.

All right, Danny - well, you've been so helpful,

maybe I could ask you to read this, give it full Danny Dyer,

-see how it sounds.

-Right, this just came special delivery.

Arise, Sir Danny Dyer.

This has totally spun me nut, it's an honour,

but will it damage my hard man image?

I trust your opinion, my love.

Shall I accept, or should I tell them to jog on?

That's good!

It's a good one! And that's going with the letter.

Shall we send that, ladies and gentlemen?

To everybody in Danny's phone!

All right. That...

has...

Ooh...

You can see it!

Yay!

All right, absolutely sensational!

We will find out how people reply to this incredible news

that Danny has received.

One more time, you're absolutely amazing.

Thank you. Thank you so, so much for doing this.

Danny Dyer, ladies and gentlemen, what a legend!

APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentleman,

it is time to find out who will be

tonight's unexpected Star Of The Show!

Every week on the Big Show,

we surprise an ordinary member of the public

with an extraordinary talent and give them the opportunity

to perform right here on this very stage.

So, let's meet tonight's Unexpected Star.

This is the unbelievably adorable Anush.

He's from Surrey.

He is 11 years old, ladies and gentlemen.

He's been nominated by his parents, and you're in the audience,

and I'm going to come and have a chat.

I'm coming in!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Anush's parents!

APPLAUSE

Now, how are you, how are you both, excited?

Fantastic. I can't even speak, actually.

-You can't speak.

-I'm speechless.

Yesterday, you went out for a local Italian, didn't you?

-That's right.

-And what happened then?

I think we went there, Michael was dressed as a waiter,

Anush did not know about it at all.

I was not Michael yesterday, was I, I was...?

-No, Mario.

-I was Mario.

Yeah!

-Yeah, you were Mario.

-The restaurant was full of actors.

-Yeah. Completely.

-Everything was fake.

-Except for Anush.

-Yeah.

Let's take a look at how that panned out for you guys and Anush.

This was yesterday lunchtime.

Calamari fritti. Yeah. That one...

Yeah.

And then the risotto, the seafood risotto.

# When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

# That's amore

# Amore

# When you walk in a dream

# And you know you're not dreaming

# That's amore! #

APPLAUSE

She's my sister.

# When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

# That's amore

# When you walk in a dream

# And you know you're still dreaming

# Signore... #

Will you marry me?

Yes.

CHEERING

Bravo, bravo, bravo!

Bravo, bravo, bravo! I'm sorry.

Thank you! Champagne!

Champagne! Champagne!

Congratulations, thank you.

Twice!

-With a banjo.

-Zuppa for you. Zuppa.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

And very fresh calamari.

-Thank you.

-This was swimming late last night.

Now, please...

Oh, my God!

-Swimming...

-Can I have some chickpeas?

Oh, it looks disgusting.

Oh, there's something inside.

-Oh, good...!

-It's a watch!

Massimo, my watch, what I...?

Massimo.

HE GASPS

Oh! I so sorry!

Oh, I sorry, it's, er...

Cos I was... Oh, so sorry!

I get you a...

Please.

It's my watch. Oh, no, this a Rolex.

Take it, take it, please, for...

It's better. Thank you.

Sorry. I so...

Sorry.

Oh, my God!

I was going to eat it!

Nice music, though.

Stacey! Stacey Solomano!

Oh!

HE SCREAMS

From the...

The Queen of Jungle! X Factor!

Loose Women, Loose Women! Loose Women, please.

Come in, favourite... Best table.

No. No.

This is best table. Move.

It's for Stacey.

Please, it's OK. Buongiorno, please.

It's OK. It's go...

Oh! Massimo!

Massimo, cheese.

Thank you. Please.

-Thank you.

-Menus.

Thank you. Thank you.

Stacey.

-Stacey.

-Mm?

-You want to see, er, some fun?

-You want to see fun?

-Yeah, OK.

I practise this many times.

Just pull the...

Oh, wow! Oh, wow!

I try!

And it's going to go very, very quick. You going to film it for me?

Brilliant. Only when hear it is...

Sst.

And everything will be here.

OK? You ready for this?

Massimo!

Nothing to see here! Sorry.

Massimo... Please no filming!

No!

Please. Stacey, I sorry.

-Please.

-That was...

-You promise, OK.

-It was close!

-It will come back.

-Everything OK.

-I hope so.

Oh! Sorry.

Do you...? You know Stacey singer?

-Yeah.

-You like singing?

-Yeah.

-How much you like singing?

A lot.

You like to sing? You have a good voice, because I know this,

-you know why?

-Why?

-Because Mama and Papa, they tell me this.

Because we are all here to surprise you.

Because of course I am not the worst waiter in the world.

I'm going to peel my face off.

-What?!

-Whoa.

This is very scary for some people.

What is going on?

Oh, my God! This is not even my own hair!

What is happening?

What is even happening here?

What...? Who is this person?

Who is this?

Who is this person?

What's happening?!

It is indeed!

Anush, we're all here because your mum and dad

think you're absolutely amazing,

and they want you to come and sing on my TV show,

Michael McIntyre's Big Show, tomorrow night.

Are you joking?

I am not joking.

It's all for you, Anush...

-Can I have the wig?

-You can...!

You can...! You can... Erm, you will be something

called the Unexpected Star Of The Show.

-Yes, I've watched it.

-You've watched it.

Anush, will you be the unexpected star of my TV show tomorrow night?

-Yes.

-Anush - are you up for it?

-Yeah.

-You want to do it tomorrow night?

He's going to do it!

Yeah!

It's Anush! Yay!

What a funny guy!

Aw! What a character Anush is!

He obviously had a lot of fun.

That Gordon Ramsay line is funnier than anything

you'll see probably for the rest of this series!

All right, well, we're going to meet him.

We'll see how he does. It's a huge night for him.

Thank you so, so much for nominating him.

-Thank you.

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's Anush's parents!

APPLAUSE

All right, it's all set, so let's meet him.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome tonight's Unexpected Star Of The Show, it's Anush!

Yeah!

It's Anush, what a little champion! Oh!

Hey, there! Nice to see you!

-Anush.

-Yes.

How are you feeling?

Wonderful.

And how was yesterday, how was lunch?

Erm, yeah, it was good, I didn't really eat much, but...

Tomato soup with a side of watch was nice as well.

Oh, really?!

And so, it was a big shock, big surprise.

-Yeah.

-But have you felt nervous or excited about tonight?

Er, first I was feeling nervous, but when I went through it,

I got more confident.

And what you've got to remember about all these people,

they're so behind you, and they're just willing you to do well.

APPLAUSE 100%.

All right. So, you're going to go and get changed.

-Yeah.

-And get ready.

-Yeah.

-And perform for us tonight on this stage.

-Yes.

-Ladies and gentlemen,

it's the absolutely wonderful and adorable Anush!

Come on, Anush!

APPLAUSE Thank you so much!

See you later, well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, now, it gives me great pleasure

to welcome the Grammy Award-winning pop sensations

whose videos have had over 2.7 billion views online!

It is the absolutely sensational...

Clean Bandit are here!

APPLAUSE

# I know you're out in Cabo

Hanging with your brother

# Wishin' that I was your bottle

# So I could be close to your lips again

# I know you didn't call your parents

# And tell them that we ended

# Cos you know that they'd be offended

# Did you not wanna tell them it's the end

# And I know we're not supposed to talk

# But I'm getting ahead of myself

# I get scared when we're not

# Cos I'm scared you're with somebody else

# So I guess that it's gone

# And I just keep lying to myself

# I can't believe it

# I, I miss you, yeah

# I miss you

# I miss you, yeah, I miss you

# Oh, I do

# I miss you, yeah

# I miss you

# Though I'm tryin' not to right now

# You weren't a fan of pictures

# So I hardly ever took 'em

# Got them saved in my mind from the bedroom

# So that way I can't forget your skin

# So I saved all the texts

# All of the best over the years

# Just to remind myself

# Of how good it is or was

# And I know we're not supposed to talk

# But I'm getting ahead of myself

# I get scared when we're not

# Cos I'm scared you're with somebody else

# So I guess that it's gone

# And I just keep lying to myself

# I can't believe it

# I, I miss you, yeah

# I miss you

# I miss you, yeah, I miss you

# Oh, I do

# I miss you, yeah, I miss you

# Though I'm tryin' not to right now

# So I saved all the texts

# All of the best over the years

# Just to remind myself of how good it is

# Yeah, I saved all the texts off of my ex

# Minus the tears

# Just to remind myself

# Of how good it is or was

# Cos I miss you, yeah

# I miss you

# I miss you, yeah, I miss you

# Oh, I do

# I miss you, yeah, I miss you

# Though I'm tryin' not to right now

# I can't help it, I just

# Though I'm tryin' not to right now

# How? I can't help it, I just. #

APPLAUSE Clean Bandit, ladies and gentlemen!

Hi, how are you? Nice to see you!

Hi, girls! Yay!

Oh, that was absolutely sensational!

Can I just also reassure viewers at home

that no zebras were harmed in the creation of these costumes!

Wonderful and glorious,

Clean Bandit, ladies and gentlemen, what about that?

Brilliant! Thank you, my friend!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to ask you,

if we have karaoke fans in the house.

Please applaud if in your life if you have enjoyed karaoke.

Karaoke!

CHEERING So many karaoke fans, come on!

I have never done karaoke in my life, and I've always wanted to.

But no-one ever invited me to karaoke.

So, seeing as it's my show...

..we're going to have a little bit of karaoke.

Please sing along with me.

It's my first time. Everybody, please.

You know this one.

# Got a fist of pure emotion

# Got a head of shattered dreams

# Got to leave it

# Got to leave it all behind now... #

Come on!

# Whatever I said

# Whatever I did, I didn't mean it

# I just want you back for good

# Want you back, want you back

# Want you back for good... #

All right, round of applause for everybody!

Good start!

APPLAUSE

So, I need to know if we have other karaoke fans in the house.

Do we have other...? Are you, sir, a karaoke fan?

No.

Erm, madam, do you like a bit of...?

-No!

-I see what's happening here.

You're trying to deny it.

Do you like karaoke, my friend?

-No.

-No.

You're worried that I'm going to make you sing.

-Do you like karaoke?

-No.

-No? You don't like karaoke?

-Have you ever done karaoke?

-Once.

You did karaoke once? When was that?

-Erm, recently, last week.

-Last week? Where was that?

-In Manchester.

Right. Where was that exactly?

I can't remember the name of the pub.

You can't remember the name of the pub. Let me jog your memory.

Was it this pub?

Is that the pub...Ashleigh?

-It was.

-Can you stand up, please, for me, Ashleigh?

So, I've just heard the news, ladies and gentlemen,

that Ashleigh has only performed karaoke once.

Do you remember what you sung?

Erm, Take That.

-Take That.

-Yeah.

-What a coincidence, that's what I was singing.

-Yeah.

-I wonder...

I wonder how we could find out how well you might have sung Take That.

Please don't tell me we were secretly filming you

doing your one and only karaoke?

To find out exactly how well, Ashleigh, you may have sung that,

who better to compare it against than the person I believe

is the very best at Take That karaoke.

Please welcome Gary Barlow!

APPLAUSE

Gary Barlow, ladies and gentlemen!

Oh, Ashleigh! Hi, Gary!

Good evening.

-This is Ashleigh.

-Hi, Ashleigh.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-I'm good.

-Shocked?

Ashleigh's only done karaoke once.

It was in Manchester last weekend,

and she sung one of your wonderful songs.

-Really?

-And tonight, she's going to be duetting that performance...

..with your wonderful self.

OK, Ashleigh, are you ready for this?

So, please, singing Greatest Day,

it's Gary Barlow, featuring Ashleigh!

Take it away!

# Today this could be,

# The greatest day of our lives

# Today this could be

# The greatest day of our lives

# Oh

# When the world comes alive

# And the world comes alive

# And the world comes alive

# Oh, oh, oh

# Stay close to me. #

Ashleigh, ladies and gentlemen!

Well done, well done.

OK. How did she do, Gary?

With just a little bit more work, she could get there.

A little bit more work, a little workshopping!

Now what I need to tell the whole audience here, ladies and gentlemen,

is that certain members of this audience are starting to panic.

Because they too may have frequented the Millstone pub in Manchester.

And of course by saying that,

I'm talking to you, Freddie.

Hey, Freddie.

Lovely to meet you.

Freddie, judging by that reaction,

you've forgotten that you were in the Millstone pub in Manchester.

Oh, no, I haven't!

You didn't forget that?

That's just come back to you.

It has now.

Ladies and gentlemen, singing Rule The World,

it's Gary Barlow featuring Freddie.

APPLAUSE

# Yeah, you and me

# We can ride on a star

# If you stay with me, girl

# We can rule the world

# Yeah, you and me

# We can light up the sky

# If you stay by my side

# We can rule the world

# Stars are out tonight

# They're lighting up the skies tonight. #

Good performance!

Gary, how was that sounding to you?

Amazing.

I forgot it was so high, that one.

Well, if only we had more of those.

If only someone else in this audience...

..if only someone else went to the Millstone.

It's Jack, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

And here you are, Jack, singing the absolute classic Never Forget,

it's Gary Barlow featuring Jack, take it away.

# At night I see the hand that reminds me of the stand that I make

# The facts of reality

# Never forget where you're coming from

# Never pretend that it's all real

# Someday soon this will be someone else's dream

# Someone else's dream. #

Absolutely, good.

HE MIMICS TUNELESS SINGING

What about that one, Gary?

Another high one.

Another high one!

Well, ah, what a night that was.

What a... You weren't there, were you, sir?

-No.

-You weren't there.

You know for a fact that you weren't there.

Pauline.

Pauline - what we're about to witness, Pauline,

is some of the best footage of anything I've ever seen.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Pauline.

APPLAUSE

Pauline...

-Hello!

-How are you?

-I'm well.

-You all right?

-Mm.

Say hi to Gary.

-Hello, Gary.

-Hi.

Pauline - your karaoke was so good...

-No. No!

-..we've broken it up into sections.

So, singing Could It Be Magic...

Oh, God!

-And I've got to be honest...

-It's not!

..it's magic.

Please welcome Gary Barlow...

and Pauline!

APPLAUSE

# I could love you

# Yeah, build my world around you

# Never leave you till my life is done

OK, come on!

# Could it be magic now

# Come, come

# Come into my arms

# Let me feel the wonder of all of you. #

APPLAUSE

Sorry, no, no. Don't for a moment think that's it, Pauline.

Pauline, before we watch this next footage,

can I just confirm that you've got...

Have you got your bag with you tonight?

-Oh, no!

-Oh. Well, that's good that you've got that close by tonight.

Play on, Gary.

It's Gary and Pauline!

# Oh, could this be the magic at last

# Sun, sun

Me bag! Me bag!

# Baby take me

Get me bag!

# High up on a hillside

# High up where the stallion meets the sun... #

And dance!

APPLAUSE

Will you watch me bag! Me bag!

Me bag! Me bag!

# Now, now... #

APPLAUSE

You've been so brilliant, thank you.

Pauline! Absolutely fantastic. All right,

well, what...

Well done for dealing with that extraordinary surprise.

I have to say,

anybody else, even if by accident you've been in the Millstone pub

in Manchester, we have no more footage.

Just out of interest, has anybody else ever sung Take That,

Take That karaoke?

-Never.

-No? Take That karaoke?

-Never.

-Never. Take That kara...

You've never sung Take That karaoke?

-N-no.

-Never. And your wife has never...

-No.

-No? You've never sung karaoke?

Take That?

Once.

Oh! The truth comes out!

You've sung it once.

When was that?

-When was that?

-Er, when were we away?

-About eight week ago.

-Where were you?

-Mallorca.

-Mallorca?

OK, well, you're safe, because, I'm sorry, you know,

there's no way we went to Mallorca.

Where was it, though, in Mallorca?

Betty's Bar in Cala Egos.

Oh, Betty's Bar!

Oh, dear! Oh, dear, Tony!

Tony and Andrea, if you don't mind, can I ask you to stand up?

Thank you so much.

I hope you had a lovely holiday.

Good holiday in Mallorca?

-Fantastic.

-Lovely holiday?

-Quality.

-How was the weather, weather good?

-Weather good?

-OK.

-Bit burnt, didn't you?

-Got a bit burnt?

-Yes, a bit burnt.

A bit burnt. A bit of sunstroke may have kicked in.

Ladies and gentlemen, singing Rule The World,

it's Gary Barlow, and Tony and Andrea in Mallorca!

# You've saved my soul

# Don't leave me now

# Don't leave me now

# Oh

-HE STUMBLES:

-# You, me...

# Ride on a star

# You can stay with me, girl

-OUT OF TUNE:

-# You rule my world!

# You, me...

# Ride on a star

# If you stay by my side

# Rule my world!

# Ooh! #

Tony and Andrea, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you so, so much.

Thank you, Andrea, that was brilliant.

Well done, well done.

You're never safe. You're never safe!

Please, give it up for all our karaoke singers!

And, of course, the absolutely sensational and legendary,

it's Gary Barlow!

-Oh, my God! Nearly a full smacker from Barlow!

-Thank you.

Wasn't Gary absolutely sensational?

What a surprise!

Gary, now, listen, the news is that the band, this musical,

I've heard it's absolutely sensational.

Absolutely, and also we've just extended for another year,

so it's going really, really well.

-Amazing.

-So, keep your diaries open.

Put it in your diaries, put it in all of your diaries, it's happening.

And of course, all of you karaoke singers have been invited personally

by Gary to join him on his brand-new solo tour, special guests.

You're all invited! You're all coming!

-See you there, everyone!

-Next week, Gary Barlow, on tour.

Please come along - just don't sing!

OK.

You're coming. Don't forget your bag!

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for all our karaoke singers,

and of course the fantastic... That was so brilliant, so funny.

Thank you. Gary Barlow, ladies and gentlemen!

MUSIC: Relight My Fire by Take That

OK, ladies and gentlemen, I am now totally thrilled to introduce

an award-winning and hilarious stand-up comedian.

I absolutely love this guy. I'm thrilled to have him on my show.

Please welcome the fantastic Mr Russell Kane is here!

Go on, Kaney!

I don't know if there's any single people in the room. Any single...?

-CHEERING

-Right. OK.

Particularly single ladies, because I know you love stuff like this.

I'm a bit old, yeah, and at the last minute,

I've discovered the secret for happiness.

All the things we tie ourselves up in knots.

You see, you have to be the same religion,

you have to be the same race, same language.

You have to have a lot in common. All nonsense, right?

There's only one thing that matters, and when I say this,

you'll look back at all your relationships that didn't work.

Attuned energies, opposite energy types.

Every happy couple in this room is comprised of one of each.

One, an intense, one like me,

bouncing out of bed with loads of energy at 6am.

Never late, always paying the bills on time.

"Is it a traffic jam? I don't think so, we'll get there,

"we'll get past it anyway. I'll clean the dishwasher,

"then I'll take the kids to school." One of those.

And sat next to you will be a "Life's too short, chill out, man,

"what are you getting so stressed for?

"Seriously! Be like me, I went to Thailand when I was 18,

"I don't do stress. I don't pay bills,

"I leave them for other people to worry about instead.

"Oh, is it a traffic jam? Doesn't matter, we can play a word game.

"Kill some time."

Are you a couple?

Who's the chilled out one out of the two of you?

I can just tell. Look at the eyes.

Half-closed, relaxed.

He's just sat there thinking, "What's going to happen now?

"Is the camera going to come on me? Might be a quite a long queue on the

"way out, it's 2,000 people in here, what about our parking,

"how do we get home? What time's the last train?" Everything!

She's just sat there going,

"Look at all the lights and colours and sounds!"

Bed. Sleep.

Is there anything more irritating than people

who can fall asleep anywhere, any time?

Do you know what, sometimes at a festival, I fall asleep against

the techno-speaker, just rock to sleep like that.

I'm not an insomniac. I need perfect conditions for sleep.

There'll be half this room. Don't be shy in supporting me, yeah?

Half... I need perfect conditions, I need 20 degrees Celsius,

blackout curtain, complete silence. If I hear a pin drop,

"Oh, I'm going to think about interest rates till 6am."

I'm gone. "What if it goes up a full 1%?"

Panic attack till 5am.

And who do we marry?

Who do we live with and sleep next to?

You, the easy sleepers.

We're cursed to see this face.

D'you know how many times you've had a fist hovering over that face?

You can sleep.

You can sleep forever if you like! D'you want to sleep forever?!

Nothing stops these people falling asleep.

Nothing! "Oh, my God, I'm going to being made redundant,

there's no way I'm going to be able to..." No difference!

You've lost your job, have a bit of self-respect, where's your insomnia?

Nothing wakes these people! Nothing!

"There was a storm last night." "Was there storm?!"

"A tree came through the window." "Oh, yeah!"

They don't recline a seat that can be reclined.

The cockiness of it.

The eight-hour drive, London to Edinburgh.

Put the seat back. No need.

The annoying dead bird head bobbing around with a string of dribble.

Never waking, not even at the service station.

-"Oh, are we in Edinburgh already? It went so quickly."

-Did it?!

With me driving, Muggy Mugden?

Lindsey's my partner - I know, I'm married to a woman...

Surprise, I like girls!

Who'd have thought it?

Me and Lindsey, never, can't do romantic movies.

Can't. We can't. I've spent money...

Has anyone got one of the projector screens that come down?

I spent money on blackout curtains to get it as dark as possible.

Can't watch it. Can't. Even in the afternoon. D'you know why?

"Please leave a lamp on? Can we leave a lamp on before

"we put the movie on?" Why? "Because if you don't leave a lamp on,

"I'll fall asleep during the film."

Are you a budgie? Is that how basic your biology is?

That simply being in darkness causes you to lose consciousness?

"Oh, no, the light's gone out, I'll fall asleep till my millet arrives."

Thanks very much.

Then I catch her sneaking sleep in, that winds me up.

"Admit it! You're falling asleep."

"I'm not." "Admit it, and we won't argue."

Right? She does lizard blinks.

Have you ever seen those? The person pretending

they're not falling asleep. They do a long blink, and...

sneak in a bit of sleep with it.

"It was a lizard blink!"

"I saw it!" "It wasn't!" Right, and I do a punishment rewind.

"We'll watch that scene again."

"We will watch that scene again until you absorb it."

Oh, what a catch I am, girls, I know!

D'you know the worst thing these people do?

They don't get up for a wee in the night!

How are you doing it, you camel-bladdered freaks?!

How are you doing it, you asbestos-torsoed weirdos?!

I did an experiment, sir.

I drunk nothing all day, thimble of Horlicks before I went to bed.

Made no difference.

Still, 2am jet of wee,

4am, jet of wee, 6am....

I don't know if any of the girls are aware of this,

but sometimes I'm so tired, I do a sit-down wee whilst crying.

"I can't stop thinking about interest rates - what if they go up?

"It's good for savers, but not for homeowners..."

Lindsey, no difference.

Midnight - "I'll have a gallon of Ribena."

12 hours' sleep, power whizz.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for listening!

I've been Russell Kane! Goodnight!

Kaney!

That's a really cool story!

Russell Kane, ladies and gentlemen!

Yay!

OK. It's time to find out what replies Danny Dyer

has got on his mobile phone.

Are you ready to play Send To All?

CHEERING

OK. So, earlier tonight,

this is the message that I sent into Danny's phone.

I took a photo on your phone and sent it with the text of

an official letter from Downing Street,

inviting you on behalf of the Queen to become a knight of the realm.

And with that photograph was this text.

Hammer emoji.

Yes! Well, that has gone.

And I think we should just crack on, and I'll just go through them

-one by one.

-Yeah.

-So, Danny Boy...?

He played my on-screen son, Lee.

-Oh, he's opened with the word "mental".

-Men'al.

"Not buying it, though.

"Love you, Pop, but only a nutcase would knight ya."

That's a funny one! Triple kiss.

Oh, Example...? Is that the rapper?

-Yeah, yeah, he's...

-The rapper Example.

"Can't go wrong, mate. Free use of her castles."

-Proper geezer.

-You've got funny friends!

Er, Uncle Pete...?

Yeah, my uncle, Pete.

LAUGHTER

Classic!

"Dan, you can't say no.

"Your image as a hard man will not be affected.

"It will be an honour to accept any award for your achievements.

-"Much love, Mucker."

-Aw.

That's so sweet.

That is so sweet.

Oh!

I want you to be knighted now!

OK, Tolo. Who's Tolo?

-Brother-in-law.

-Brother-in-law.

"What hard man image, LOL?!

"That is serious.

"Is there any day which is normal for you?

"But what a massive achievement.

"Next you're going to tell me you're going in the jungle."

It's like that's above a knighthood!

"By the way, I've got four tickets from Alan for the Swansea game.

"But not VIP."

"Not VIP?! I'm a sir."

How fun! How amazing that everybody, apart from your on-screen son,

-thinks you're going to be Sir Danny Dyer!

-I know!

It's the letter!

Oh, Alan Carr!

Alan Carr!

Alan's gone... HE IMITATES ALAN CARR: "Oh, my God. Really?!

"They're having a laugh.

"No, seriously they must be having a laugh!

"No offence, love, but really...?

"Surely it's a wind-up.

"No offence, love, but really?!"

It's Alan Carr! Good one.

Go on, Al!

All right, Large Ed. Who's...?

-It's my brother.

-It's your brother, OK.

Got a massive head.

He has, he has.

OK. He's gone, "Ha-ha, as if you'd ever turn your nose up at that.

"And what hard man image?!

"You couldn't punch your way out of a wet paper bag!"

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

OK, I'm not even going to ask you because I've fallen for this before,

what this person does. Stuart Removal.

I presume he is a removal man.

Very good removal man as well.

OK! Stuart Removal has said, "Hi, mate, it's Stu, who moved you.

"I think you sent me this by mistake.

"And don't worry, I'm trustworthy, mate.

"But just check that you haven't sent it to anyone else,

"because in the wrong hands, well, I don't have to tell you."

Oh, Jimmy Carr's popped in...

"You can't mug off the Queen.

"Accept it, you Cockney legend."

Natalie Cassidy from EastEnders.

"Oh, Danny!

"I think it's amazing.

"Are you sure it's not a wind-up?

"If no-one is having you on, you've got to go for it, my boy.

"That is the nuts.

"Blimey, first Brexit, now Dyer's getting a knighthood!"

I think that is, without a doubt, one of my favourite ever

Send To Alls. No-one has been a better sport than you, Danny.

-Thank you.

-Thank you so, so much for being here.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fantastic Mr Danny Dyer!

What a legend!

Fantastic! Well done, Danny.

OK. Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, we surprised our Unexpected Star,

11-year-old Anush, at his local Italian restaurant.

Since then, with the help of our team,

he's been preparing for the performance of his young life.

Let's find out how Anush has been getting on since then.

So, we went to this restaurant, this waiter comes,

and he was acting very, very weird.

Then he pulled off the face and it was Michael McIntyre.

I was speechless, I didn't know what to do.

Hi, Anush, how are you?

I think Anush is handling everything really well.

It's quite a tiring song for him, it's quite high,

so we're trying not to push his vocal too much.

I'm going to do the song in front of all those people.

So long as I can't see their faces, I'm happy.

LAUGHTER

Hide your faces!

Please give him all your love on the biggest, and latest,

night of his life.

It's Anush!

# When... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I had you

# I treated you bad

# And wrong, my dear

# And, girl, since

# Since you went away

# Don't you know, I sit around

# With my head hanging down

# And I wonder

# Who's lovin' you

# I, I, I, I

# Should have never ever

# Ever made you cry

# And, girl, since

# Since you've been gone

# Don't you know, I sit around

# With my head hanging down

# And I wonder

# Who's lovin' you

# Life without love

# Is oh so lonely

# I don't think, I don't think

# I'm gonna make it

# All my life, all my life, yeah

# Belongs to you only

# Come on and take it, girl

# Come on and take it, because

# All

# All I can do

# All I can do since you've been gone is cry

# Don't you know, I sit around

# With my head hanging down

# And I wonder

# Who's

# Lovin' you

# I, I, I

# I do, oh, yeah

# I, I wonder

# Who lovin' you-ooh. #

Oh, Anush! Well, well, well, well, well done!

Ladies and gentlemen, our Unexpected Star of tonight's show, Anush!

What a talent!

-How do you feel after that, Anush?

-I don't know.

That was crazy. Did you enjoy it, did you feel relaxed?

-A lot, yeah.

-Have you ever heard a noise like that?

No!

Embarrassingly, neither have I!

That is what we call bringing the house down.

That was sensational.

Go to bed.

You're amazing. Thank you, Anush.

One more time for our Unexpected Star. Anush!

Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you to all the performers that we've had on

here tonight.

Thank you so much for coming! Goodnight!

Bye-bye!

If you know somebody you'd like to nominate to be

an Unexpected Star Of The Show for the next series,

or in fact want to nominate someone for any surprise,

please go to bbc.co.uk/bigshow for all the details.