Episode 1 Michael McIntyre's Big Show

Tonight on my Big Show...

..Ed Balls hands over his mobile phone to play Send To All.

There's music from Emeli Sande,

and hilarious comedy from Joe Lycett.

Introducing the Midnight Gameshow,

and, who will be tonight's Unexpected Star of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Show!

Please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre.

CHEERING

Yay!

Hello! Hi!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hiya!

Good evening! And welcome to a brand-new series of my Big Show!

CHEERING

Yay!

So, over the next six weeks we will, of course, have big stars,

big laughs,

and big surprises!

Send To All is back!

We will also have the Unexpected Star of the show returning!

CHEERING

If that wasn't enough,

I'll be introducing also to you the Midnight Gameshow!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

So, how did you get here tonight?

Who came by public transport? Public transport, people?

CHEERING

Oh, very good. Drivers? Drivers in the house?

CHEERING

I think British people are the best drivers in the world.

Yes, give yourselves a round of applause.

We can adjust to the different strengths of rain

with our windscreen wipers like nobody else on Earth.

There's one, that's the first level. One.

Sort of like a quite constant, not too fast, that's the first.

Little bit of light, light rain.

Let's go for one. Then you can go up to two.

Two is a little bit faster, it's not the maximum, you make the decision,

you're like, it's got a little bit stronger,

and I've decided to go to two.

Then the maximum, huge rain.

You can't even believe the rain.

I'm going all the way, I'm going all the way.

You can't even believe how hard they are working!

Everywhere but there, just that little bit at the bottom,

they can't reach that,

the frustrating little triangle at the bottom.

Work away. It's really raining, guys.

But our favourite speed,

and I think I speak for all of us when I say this,

I believe to be the intermittent setting.

There's something so fun about waiting as the rain builds on your

windscreen, not knowing whether you have made the right decision.

Should I go to one? Should I go to one?

It's blurring, it's smudging, I'm losing vision.

It's raining heavier. I'm going to hold on... Should I hold on?

I'm going to hold on!

Clear.

Oh! The thrill!

And the rebuild begins.

But our favourite button in the car,

and again I'll speak for all of us when I say this,

is the hazard warning light.

There's something very exciting about that little red triangle

in the corner, when you push it, when you become a hazard.

You think, "I'm a hazard!" You feel quite excited.

"I must warn everybody that I'm a hazard now.

"I've broken down." It starts flashing in the car,

and then everything's working, all the indicators.

"We're a hazard! Yes, I've done the right thing.

"I've done the right thing."

But we've interpreted the hazard in other times in our life.

A fun one is on the motorway when you hit traffic.

You're all going 80mph, then suddenly there's traffic,

you have to slow down.

"That was dangerous. I went from high-speed to nothing!"

But your thought is no longer with yourself.

Your thought is with everybody behind you.

"I must warn them! I must warn them of the danger that lies ahead!

"And I will use my hazard warning.

"Can you see me? Can you see that you must slow down?"

You're looking in your rear-view mirror...

"Have you clocked me yet, my friend?"

It's a lovely moment, they're like, "I see you!

"I shall warn the one behind. I'm warning!"

You even feel quite excited when you see it in the distance...

"Oh! We're working as a team!

"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

Also to thank people, that's a big thank you, isn't it?

That's the biggest thank you.

Sometimes you acknowledge them with your hand,

you flash if they're in front of you to thank them.

Letting people in in traffic is a big part.

Once you've decided to stop your life to let somebody in,

you see them edging, they're edging, and you're like, "Shall I?"

You contemplate it. "Shall I?

"Yes, I will, to allow the free flow of traffic,

"I will stop my life. Yes, you. You should come in.

"You can go first.

"Go on, off you go. Yes, I'm a very generous person.

"Only one! Only one!"

There's always some sneaky...

There's a sneaky one, that goes, "Oh, I might tag in."

"No, no, no, whoa! No tagging in, my friend.

"I am generous to the tune of one vehicle."

And they go, and you wait to be thanked.

You're burning a hole in their head.

"I stopped my life for this, I'm expecting some form of gratitude."

Sometimes it never comes. "I can't believe that!

"I regret my decision. I should never have let that rude person in."

Sometimes you try to overtake them, just to look at them,

"What is wrong with you?!

"Rude person!"

But the hazard thank you is the biggest thank you,

when someone lets you in.

You come in, they let you in,

and you can feel them burning a hole in your head, waiting for gratitude.

You're like, "You think I'm not grateful!

"You think I'm not grateful!

"But I am grateful!

"Just a little delay as I located the red triangle!"

You can't get more grateful than the hazard thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is time to play Send To All!

Yes, this is where I take a celebrity's mobile telephone

and send a text of our choosing to all the contacts in it

and we see what hilarious replies they get

towards the end of the show.

So, let's find out who is in our Send To All box this week.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a gentleman from the political realm.

A gentleman that has been associated with politics,

but now he has moved into the show business stratosphere.

# Oppan Gangnam style... #

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, it's Ed Balls, Ballsy!

Yay!

Ed Balls is here!

Yay! How are you Ed Balls Ballsy?

Where's your wife? Where's Yvette?

Yvette is down at the conference in Brighton this weekend, so...

-Oh, the Labour Party conference?

-Yes.

-What's that like?

Personally, I'm very pleased to be here at the Michael McIntyre show.

Yay!

Me too! Me too!

Now, your life has changed so much, now you're cool,

because people in politics aren't so cool, you are cool.

I heard that you went to Glastonbury this year, is that right?

-I did, I did.

-Well, that's the epitome of cool.

-How was it?

-I actually really enjoyed it.

I saw the Jackson...Four, and they were really good.

The Jackson Four?!

Well...

I've got a lot of recorded stuff to catch up on, I haven't heard.

And you're a big fan of football as well?

-Yes.

-Norwich, still affiliated?

-Norwich City, yeah.

Championship football club, great history.

And Delia, of course, is the chairman.

-No, I'm the chairman.

-You're the chairman of the club?

-I am the chairman of the football club.

-You go to every game?

Every single game, home and away. I've supported it all my life.

I was born there, so it's a dream come true.

Ah! Thank you so, so much for being here.

I haven't asked you who you're with?

I am with Balshan, who's a very old friend of mine,

we've worked together for years, and her husband Joe,

-and big fans of yours, as of course I am.

-That is a very good tactic.

So, if you would like to place your mobile telephone

into our little cushion there.

And of course, there's no prizes for guessing

what music we may have selected.

In fact, audience, we might as well have a mass Gangnam Style.

Ed, could you just teach us briefly the fundamentals of Gangnam style?

-So, first of all...

-Yes, up you get.

Right, so the hands are slightly separated. Oh, and then up?

CHEERING

Off he goes. Wow!

OK. Everybody on their feet, why not? Let's do this.

If we're going to do it, do it properly. All right.

All right, here we go.

MUSIC: Gangnam Style by PSY

# Gangnam Style

# Gangnam Style

# He-e-e-e-y

# Sexy lady... #

MUSIC STOPS

CHEERING

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I am now in possession of Ed Balls's

mobile telephone. It is in my possession and I will treat it

with the respect that the man deserves.

There it is.

This is good. Reuters, the Guardian, the FT. A good range. The Economist.

-Good.

-Very good. NatWest bank.

I won't go into your bank right now.

Ocado, quite middle-class, shop on-the-fly.

Oh, yes. There is a delivery. It's coming.

You've got some savings there.

Very good. More than you offered us when you were Shadow Chancellor.

Charlie Bingham, chicken korma. Fine green beans.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, Eddie.

Two salmon skinless mid tail fillets. Don't mind if I do!

That's the way. Cooking for one.

I'll save the other one, freeze it for tomorrow, yeah?

-You're a cook, aren't you? I can tell.

-Yeah,

-and I do the Ocado shopping every week.

-Well, how brave.

That's the most middle-class sentence I've ever heard.

"I'm absolutely exhausted. I do the Ocado shop online every week."

Do you mind, Ed, if I have a little look at your photos?

Cos that's always a bit of fun.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

OK, all right. There's a lot of eating going on here.

A little bit of barbecuing.

Oh, OK. Has your shirt split open?

-Yeah, I should have edited these photos, really.

-Yeah, that's...

I was on It Takes Two, and they said that you shouldn't wear a jacket.

You should come in leisurewear. I've never worn smart casual before.

I bought the shirt, which in retrospect was a mistake,

because it turned out to be what's called tailored fit,

which was totally bursting. I looked absolutely terrible and then

the wardrobe person ran on with a pair of scissors and cut my shirt

all the way up the back, and relaxed my front, which from behind

was quite exposed.

Most people call it "too small" but you've opted for "tailored fit".

OK, well, I think... Whoa! OK.

That is a... In fact, that is...

..I... I...

The audience are having so much fun

-I might just sit on this for a while.

-On that one, you've got

-to zone in a bit. Can you do that...

-Sure, I wouldn't mind that at all.

I think that's exactly what the viewers want.

In fact, I forgot we can zoom in.

-I'm going to go back to the other one.

-No, no, no.

Come on. We might as well have some fun.

No, no, I'm kidding. You told me to zoom in.

No, no, I had a spray tan but I only had the top half.

-Oh, right, yes.

-And that is the line.

That is good. And those tracksuit bottoms are..

..shall we say...

..shall we say, "tailored fit"?

All right, well, thank you so much, Ed.

Please don't panic.

So the text I'm going to send in Ed Balls's phone is as follows.

"Just had new

"hot tub delivered.

"Yvette's at the party conference..."

LAUGHTER No, no, no, don't go there.

It's not there. Trust me, you'll like it.

"So I'm having

"a party

"of my own.

"Anton du Beke

"is here.

"Delia is doing canapes.

"And Stormzy is coming."

In brackets - this is fun, you'll like this.

"Met him at Glasto!"

"Top guy."

"Grab your swimsuit and get down here...

"..Gangnam style."

Hold on, I've spelt Stormzy wrong. Stormzy's coming, yeah?

-All right. How would you sign a text?

-I think I would say...

"Best, Ed."

That's not a code?

You haven't said, "If I ever text you

" 'Best, Ed,' send in MI5"?

"Just had a new hot tub delivered. Yvette's at the party conference

"so I'm having a party of my own. Anton do Beck is here.

"Delia is doing canapes and Stormzy's coming.

"Met him at Glasto. Top guy.

"Grab your swimsuit and get down here, Gangnam style. Best, Ed."

That has...

It's party time at Ballsy's house!

Woohoo!

And, of course, we'll be finding out what hilarious replies Ed gets later

in the show. Ed Balls, Ballsy!

OK, thank you, thank you.

I am now absolutely delighted to introduce an incredibly phenomenally

talented singer and the winner indeed of this year's Brit Award

for the Best Female Solo Artist.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

It is of course the wonderful Emeli Sande.

# Yeah-eah-eah

# Mm-hm-hm

# You are my starlight

# Your shine can brighten up the darkest night

# I'll follow you until the daylight

# Cos when you're close I know it's all right

# All right, all right, all right

# See, baby, you got it

# I got it, I got it, I got it, we got it

# No, baby, no, baby, no, baby, don't stop it

# We're taking off and the higher we go

# The harder I fall

# In love, in love

# I feel like I just found the one, the one

# Baby, now look what you done, you done

# You've lit up my life with your love, your love

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# I'm in love

# I'm in love

# You are my sunshine

# Broke through the clouds and now I kissed the sky

# Feels like I'm dreaming with open eyes

# Long as I'm with you I know I'm all right, all right, all right

# See, baby, you got it

# And I got it, I got it, I got it, we got it

# So no, baby, no, baby, no, baby, don't stop it

# We're taking off and the higher we go

# The harder I fall in love, in love

# I feel like I just found the one, the one

# Baby, now look what you done, you done

# You've lit up my life with your love, your love

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# I'm in love

# I'm in love

# You are my starlight

# Starlight, starlight

# Starlight

# Starlight, starlight

# Starlight

# Starlight, starlight

# Starlight, starlight

# In love, in love

# I feel like I just found the one, the one

# Baby, now look what you done, you done

# You've lit up my life with your love, your love

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# Your lo-o-o-o-ve

# I'm in love

# I'm in love. #

CHEERING

Whoo! You're feeling it now!

That was amazing. That was so clubby.

Thank you so much for being on here. You're an absolute sensation.

-One more time for the fantastic, fabulous... What a voice!

-Thank you.

What a voice! Emeli Sande!

Ballsy, were you up there, mate?

You can't just Gangnam, man. You've got to throw in some new moves.

Oh, he's up. Yeah!

CHEERING

If you're more comfortable, I can cut the back of your shirt.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to find out who is going to be

tonight's Unexpected Star of the show.

So let's meet tonight's Unexpected Star of this show.

So there she is.

It's Stella. She's a cattery owner from Dorset.

Stella is coming to our secret location,

which is adjacent to the theatre.

She thinks she's coming here with her daughter Shakira, to a cat cafe.

It's basically a cafe full of cats.

Let me show you what the room looked like earlier today.

This is actually right next to the theatre

and this is what it looks like now.

Cat's Show Business.

Everybody else in that cafe are actors, including the cats.

Everybody is in on this except for Stella,

because the real reason that Stella is here is because it's always been

her dream to perform on a West End stage,

but instead she devoted her life to motherhood and cats.

Unfortunately, not the musical!

I'm going to now go live to next door.

This is our cat cafe.

Now, there is Stella. She's there with her daughter Shakira.

So let me tell you all that's going happen.

So there's some photographs on the wall in the cafe, in the cat cafe,

where people have dressed up as cats,

with accessories and props and stuff,

so she's going to be asked to be taken around to this photo booth.

Now, this photo booth is actually going to be on this stage,

so she's going to be taken round

through a corridor where the props are,

come into a photo booth. She's going to sit down. In front of her

will be the camera and it's going to go, "Three, two, one."

She will obviously then be, I presume, smiling and then the wall

in front of her will collapse

and she will be here with us on this stage. Are you up for that?

CHEERING

I'm going to go into the audience and meet her family. We have Stuart and Heather, her mum and dad.

You down here? Ladies and gentlemen, Stella's parents.

Where are you?

Stuart, Heather.

-Hello, Stuart. Welcome.

-Oh, thank you very much.

-So that is Stella there.

-Yes.

-In her cat cafe.

-Yes.

-So she loves cats?

Oh, she loves cats. She's always liked animals, yes.

And why does she think here tonight?

She's on a lovely relaxing weekend with her daughter.

All right. Well, it's about to get a little bit more intense,

-this relaxing weekend.

-I think so, yes.

Tell me about Stella and her singing.

Well, she's always been interested in music and she's been singing from

the earliest days, you know, from when she was very, very tiny.

Would she have performed for an audience like this ever?

Nothing of this scale, certainly not, no.

And how do you think she'll react to tonight's surprise?

I really haven't got a clue.

Thank you so, so much, Stuart, for nominating her.

Let's hope it's worked out. Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you very much to Stuart and Heather. It's Stella's parents.

So, what's going to happen now is we are going to have a little bit

of fun in that room and we'll see how much fun we can have,

so that she doesn't twig or, indeed, we don't let the cat out of the bag!

Two people in there have earpieces hidden and I can actually

communicate with them from this stage.

Sean - who is just clearing up that table - Sean, if you can hear me,

can you sniff your armpit and then say, meow?

Meow.

Look at Stella! Ooh!

If she's disturbed by that, wait till you see what we've got lined up!

OK, now, that's Jilly, that's lovely lady there.

Jilly, if you can hear me,

can you pick up that saucer of milk in front of you,

and lap it up like a cat?

SHE SLURPS

That's better.

OK, Sean. In your own time, can I ask you to tell the room about

your new vegetarian gourmet cat food?

And go around the room, asking them if anybody wants to try it.

Ladies and gentlemen, it obviously isn't a real cat food.

Just to let you know, we've launched a new vegetarian gourmet cat food,

so I'm just going to offer you a few samples as I go round the room.

By all means, help yourself.

It's great. It really is really good.

-It's all right.

-Are you sure?

-Any takers?

-Oh, yes.

-Say, "Yes, please."

-Yes, please.

-"I'd love some."

-I'd love some.

Massive bite of that. Take a massive bite.

-Oh. Yum, yum.

-Yum, yum!

-Say, "I love cat food."

-I love cat food.

Thank you.

-Ask her how many cats has she got.

-How many cats have you got at home?

-Jilly, say, "I've got seven cats."

-I've got seven cats.

I love my cats but sometimes I've just got to get away from them.

I love my cats, but sometimes I've got to get away from them.

They've been arguing with each other over Brexit.

They've been arguing with each other over Brexit.

-Three are remain.

-Three are remain.

-Three are leave.

-Three are leave.

-And one is on the fence.

-And one's on the fence.

OK, now offer it to Stella's daughter Shakira.

-Oh, that's lovely.

-Would you like to try some as well?

That's the best cat food I've ever tasted.

Best cat food I've ever tasted.

Now offer it to Stella.

-And for you, would you like to try some?

-No, I'm fine, thank you.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, yeah.

-It's really good.

-Say, "It's purr-fect!"

It's purr-fect.

She's going to go for it. She's going for it, she's going for it.

She's going for it. Oh, my God,

she's going to eat the cat food on television.

This is... Oh, my God!, she's just eaten the cat food!

She actually likes it. She likes the cat food! Oh, my God!

OK.

OK, all the actors, just carry on completely as normal now.

Just relax. So here is the fake room that Stella will be arriving in and

within it is our photo booth

so I am going to go round and have a look at it. OK, wait there,

I'm going to go and have a look at it and show you around.

You'll see it up on that screen. I'm going round.

All right. So here we go. Can you see me?

CHEERING

So here is...

..here's the photo booth.

Ah, right. It's called Kitty Cam.

You see, here is the camera, so hopefully, the plan is,

she'll be left in here and then three, two, one and then...

She will have no idea she is sitting in the middle of this theatre with

all of us. All right, let's do this.

OK, I think we're ready to bring her out.

-I'm going to come back for that.

-OK.

Ladies, do you want to come with me? I'll take you around to Kitty Cam.

See you guys in a second.

Lock the door for the cat's safety.

They're on their way, they're on their way.

Completely quiet.

OK, we've got some props ready.

Grab yourself something. Get yourself a little hat on.

Dress her up. Fantastic.

Yeah, go for that. Perfect. You're ready. Come, follow me, Stella.

This way.

This is Kitty Cam.

Come on in. Just grab a seat there.

-OK, this is the camera here. So look into the camera.

-Yeah.

Follow the instructions. Get the poses ready.

-I'll be back for you. Ready?

-Yeah.

-Off you go.

Welcome to Kitty Kam. Strike a pose.

Your perfect photo in three, two, one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen...

..it's Stella!

How are you feeling, Stella?

I'm going to kill my daughter!

Well, there's plenty of people over here you might also want to kill.

There's the hit list.

It's your dad, your mum and your friends over there and, of course,

our audience, who have been watching and waiting for you next door.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

our Unexpected Star of tonight's show, it's Stella!

CHEERING

Oh, golly.

I think you can see up there, this is your little cat cafe,

they're they are, Stella.

Oh, and Jilly's even still eating the cat food.

-She genuinely loves it.

-I ate the cat food as well.

-Sorry, what was that?

-I ate the cat food as well.

-You what?

You ate the cat food? I can assure you, Stella, that WILL be on TV.

-Oh, my God!

-Of course, that wasn't real cat food!

It was dog food!

So, Stella, how you feeling right now?

I'm a bit surreal.

-It feels very surreal.

-It is very surreal.

-You know the show, you've seen this show?

-I have.

-Yeah.

-And now you're on it.

-I know!

So you didn't suspect - look at those people up there.

As well as cats, which I know that you love,

what else do like doing, Stella?

-I like singing.

-You enjoy singing.

-Yes.

-Well, as you've seen the show,

you will be the star of this show.

You'll be closing this show tonight, if you are up for it.

Of course, we have 2,000 incredibly supportive people,

do we not? CHEERING

If you need more energy, I've got a little snack to keep you going.

That's for you, Stella.

Will you be our Unexpected Star of tonight's show?

-Yes.

-She's up for it!

Ladies and gentlemen,

how very exciting. You were absolutely wonderful.

You were brilliant. Thank you so much. It's Stella,

our Unexpected Star of the show.

Thank you, Stella.

Oh, yes!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to play the Midnight Gameshow.

This is no ordinary gameshow, ladies and gentlemen.

The contestants in the Midnight Gameshow had no idea

they would be taking part.

They went to sleep safe and sound, tucked up in their beds,

only to be woken up in the dead of night by me and the camera crew

to answer a series of questions

while semiconscious in the Midnight Gameshow.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

this is the only gameshow where if you snooze...

-AUDIENCE:

-You lose!

Tonight's contestant is Dean Buckmaster.

That's already funny, let's be honest!

Dean Buckmaster is a 42-year-old plumber and he was set up

by his wife Zoe - and Dean and Zoe are here. Where are you, Deano?

Hi! Yay!

Hi, Dean. Hi, Zoe. Dean and Zoe, everyone. Dean and Zoe.

So, what happened here is you were set up by Zoe.

-Yeah.

-Right? So, Zoe, you basically gave us the keys to your home...

-Yeah.

-..to break in in the night. Why would you do such a thing?

-Why did you set up Dean?

-He's so laid-back and he's got

a really great sense of humour and I thought it would be really funny.

OK. And I understand also that the room wasn't quite big enough for our

cameras or something and you removed furniture in preparation,

-and did Dean notice?

-No.

Dean, what do you remember of that night before the event?

Well, I thought it strange, her straightening her hair before bed.

Right. And I should just say, before we watch this as well,

that you have the creakiest staircase in the world,

which did not make this easy for us.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's enjoy Dean's Midnight Gameshow.

STAIRS CREAK

LAUGHTER

CREAKING CONTINUES

Dean!

Welcome to the Midnight Gameshow!

What is this?

Dean, I have to say, the bedside clock is ticking,

so we need to crack on as quickly as we can.

Hi, Zoe. You have Zoe to thank for this.

OK, so, Dean, let's kick you off with,

please can you name three fairground attractions?

-Question number one.

-Roller coaster.

Very good. Cracking, well done, Dean.

We're off with the roller coaster. We need two more, Deano.

-Bumper cars.

-Brilliant.

One more.

Bumper cars, roller coaster.

-The waltzer.

-Correct.

Well done, Deano.

Now, from the Abba musical Mamma Mia, Deano,

please can you complete this lyric.

# You can dance

# You can jive

# Having the time of your life

# Ooh-oooh

# See that girl

# Watch that scene

# Diggin' the...

# Dancing queen. #

Brilliant! Well done.

Congratulations. OK, can I now ask you who is this?

That's Laa-Laa.

Correct answer.

Can I ask you now,

how would Laa-Laa say hello?

-Eh-oh!

-You are absolutely on fire. You got them all right.

Thank you, Laa-Laa. Thank you.

Bye-bye!

Now, if I could welcome Bill.

Bill Oddie.

Hi, Bill. Bill of course can impersonate birds and Bill's

going to give you an example of that.

BILL WHISTLES

Which bird is that?

-Curlew.

-Of course it is.

-Everybody knows that.

-It's very late.

Now, I'm just going to give you a few birds and all Bill has to do

here is just identify them, so let's kick off with the top one.

HE CLUCKS

That's very good. Assuming it is a chicken.

It is a chicken. Congratulations. Let's move on.

-"My toe hurts, Betty. My toe hurts, Betty."

-"My toe hurts, Betty".

This is a bird?

HE COOS That's very good.

-Oh, that's a dove. A dove pigeon?

-Yes, congratulations.

We're nearly there. And we'll end on...

-HE MIMICS CLOCK TICKING

-Cuckoo!

LAUGHTER

Cuckoo clock. I've answered it.

Stop the bedside clock and goodnight!

What time is it?

-Did it surprise you?

-Flippin' did it?

I've got all hot and sweaty.

I can't believe you said, "My toe hurts! My toe hurts!"

-Oh, dear.

-I don't even know the time.

Someone's nicked my phone.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's 3.09. I thought it was time to get up.

So what went through your mind at that moment?

I thought, one, "Who are all these people?"

And then you popped in, I thought, "Oh, I recognise you."

"My toe hurts, Betty."

-We need to talk about that.

-It's the sound that a pigeon makes if you

listen closely, listen closely.

Bill Oddie was unaware of it.

Well, congratulations. I can reveal to you, Dean,

that you got every question right. What about that?!

Which means that you do win

our iconic golden Midnight Gameshow

Do Not Disturb sign, ladies and gentlemen. Treasure this.

-I will.

-You're one of the few people to own such a thing and, of course,

I've got Laa-Laa here for you

to remember the occasion and I have also a cuckoo clock

with Bill Oddie's face on it. There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, star of our Midnight Gameshow tonight,

it's Dean! And thank you to Zoe, too. Thank you, guys. Amazing!

Well done, Deano.

Up next, ladies and gentlemen is a phenomenally brilliant and hilarious

comedian. Please welcome the fantastic Mr Joe Lycett!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, lovely!

Hello. Hi, everyone. What a lovely introduction.

I'm from Birmingham. Anyone from Birmingham in?

-WHOOPING

-Hello. I don't have the accent, cos I was born better.

Yes, I live with my mum and dad in quite a posh area of Birmingham.

We have a Waitrose.

You get the idea. I was outside the Waitrose the other day.

I saw a squirrel eating a croissant.

It's a bit much for me. We've got an Aldi now, as well.

That's caused upset in the local area, but I love it,

cos I like a place where you can buy a pint of milk and a wheelbarrow wheel in the same shop.

But I'm moving out. I've just bought a house - not in London,

cos I'm not a Russian oligarch, I've bought one in Birmingham.

People in London, they don't understand what it's like to live in Birmingham. Friends of mine

in London say, "What's it's like living in Birmingham?"

"Oh, the poverty. You wouldn't believe. I have to walk five miles

"to the nearest vegan restaurant. It's unbelievable."

These friends of mine, they've just bought a house in London in Lewisham.

If you don't know London, it's sort of quite south.

I like Lewisham, but it's not Central London.

£640,000 for a two-bed house they paid.

They were like, "Joe, move to London."

I said, "Let me just say what I'd get in Birmingham for £640,000."

Put it into Rightmove. The first thing that came up was a church!

For the same amount of money, you bought a two-bed.

So I bought a four-bed in an up-and-coming area of Birmingham,

whether it will up or come, I'm not sure.

£280,000. So a lot cheaper but it needs a lot of work doing to it.

It's a dump, basically, and my dad has taken over as project manager

and he's become an absolute cliche of a father.

Like, he'll go up to things like this,

he'll go up to just anything in the house and I see him go...

"Yeah." Won't tell me what's happened!

What were you doing? I don't understand.

There's an official reason why he's the project manager,

which is that I'm too busy. I'm too busy to do the works myself,

coordinate the works. The real reason is, I can't speak to tradesmen. Look at my nails.

I tried to speak to the electrician over WhatsApp.

He doesn't like an emoji.

So, yes, I was interested about the buying a house thing in London,

cos a friend of mine was trying to buy here.

He found somewhere on Gumtree. He was looking on Gumtree.

Did a bit of e-mailing back and forth with this girl on Gumtree,

realised pretty quickly that this was a scam so he sent all the e-mails he'd done already over to me

and just put in the subject line, "Do your absolute worst."

So the girl who was trying to advertise this property,

her name was Gemma, so I just started a fresh e-mail. I wrote,

"Hello, Gemma. I'm contacting you regarding the apartment listed on Gumtree. I'm interested in a viewing

"and wanted to arrange. Regards, Joe Lycett."

This is the reply that I got.

"Hello, Mr Joe.

"The flat is situation in the London Borough of Islington,

"a beautiful area with park and facilities."

I had a look on Google Maps for the nearest facilities.

They are Pentonville prison.

"In order to do the viewing,

"I would need to come to you from my residence in Stockholm.

"This is obviously very expensive for me, so I need assurance

"that you are interested and have available funding.

"I need you to pay a deposit of 220 US dollar,

"which you will have returned to you immediately on viewing.

"This is to be arranged by my trusted partner money2india.eu."

Seems legit!

"I would also need your current address to send documentation to.

"Please contact me to arrange. Thanks, Gemma." So I thought,

"I'll just start off with just a slightly weird reply." I replied,

"Hi, Gemma. Thanks for your speedy reply.

"What a coincidence that you are in Stockholm.

"I am on holiday there right now."

I wasn't, of course, - I was in my garden in Birmingham,

having a glass of Prosecco.

"Let's meet and discuss and arrange the viewing.

"My current address is 118 New Oxford St, London, WC1A 1HL.

That is the address of a Dorothy Perkins.

"Regards, Joe Lycett." She replied,

"Mr Joe, I am not currently in Stockholm, actually,

"but I'm on business for the next three weeks in Berlin.

"The best way to secure viewing is to pay the deposit using money2india.eu - thank you, Gemma."

So I thought, I'll just turn the weirdness up ever so slightly more.

"Guten Tag, Frau Gemma. That is so crazy!

"I just booked a holiday to Berlin next week.

"Where are you staying? I can't wait to meet you." I also put...

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

Which is German for "I know this is a scam."

"..thanks, Joe."

She didn't spot it. She replied, "Mr Joe, I will be very busy

"in Berlin and will not be able to see you. You must pay the deposit

"or I cannot secure the visit. Thank you, Gemma." So I left it

a couple of days and then I replied, "Gemma, I'm here. Where are you?"

And I have been to Berlin, about two years ago on a holiday, so I

attached this picture of me, just to give it a sense of realism,

you know. She replied, "Mr Joe,

"I am no longer in Berlin on business. If you would like viewing, you need to pay the deposit."

So I replied, "Gemma, what a pity. I suppose I will have to pay the deposit. I hope you don't mind,

"but I have an old friend who works at the FBI and I'm just going to ask

"him to do a quick check to make sure this isn't a scam. Thanks, Joe."

Very quick reply to that one. "Mr Joe, the property is no longer available, sadly, the viewing

"will not be possible. Please confirm you have received this." I didn't reply. Got another one.

"Mr Joe, did you receive my last e-mail?" I got quite a few of these, some of them quite manic in bold.

Really panicked. I left it another couple of days and I replied,

"Frau Gemma,

"in order to secure cancellation of the FBI check,

"I need you to pay me a deposit

"of 300 USD

"through my trusted partner, moneytoJoe.org."

Thank you so much for being so lovely.

Have a great the rest of your show. I was Joe Lycett. See you again.

CHEERING

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

The wonderful Joe Lycett! Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Lycett!

CHEERING

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

it is time to find out what replies Ed Balls has had.

It's time for Send To All.

OK.

So, let's just remind ourselves

of the text that I sent into Ed Balls's telephone.

All right, well, we're just going to crack on.

Jeremy Vine.

From BBC Radio 2. He's just opened with,

"Blimey! Is Delia in the hot tub?

"I'm finding my leopard print swimming shorts RIGHT NOW!"

There's a very seriously boring one from Charlie K. Who's Charlie K?

Charlie K is a councillor in Wakefield.

So he's northern, Charlie K?

-Yeah. Charlie Keith.

-He just says,

"We'd love to, but just got back from Zakynthos,

"so me and Gracie are a bit travel weary. Best, mate.

"We'll ring you in the week. Take care. Thanks for the invite."

Dude, did you read the text?

"We're a bit weary." We're in hot tub with Delia and Stormzy!

And Anton du Beke. "Yeah, but as I said, I'm a bit travel weary."

-Charlie K.

-June Cooper?

Is my mother-in-law.

All right, well, it's a great one. Your mother-in-law has texted,

"Your father-in-law is coming if Katya is there."

-Kevin Brennan?

-A Cardiff MP.

So this is a Member of Parliament texting you.

"Ha! I'm at a conference with your wife. I suspect you might have been

"inviting someone else but don't worry, I won't tell her."

There's more, there's more.

"PS, Stormzy is awesome."

Completely fallen for it!

Nobody has questioned that you're having a hot tub party with Stormzy,

who you met at Glasto!

Oh, we've just arrived at Peter Mandelson.

Peter Mandelson.

He goes, "I'm grabbing my Lilo.

"It sounds much better than the Labour Party conference.

"Tell Anton I'm coming."

Ore. He was the winner of Strictly, was he?

Ore. Yeah.

-Ore Oduba.

-Whoa!

-Ore? Is Ore a radio presenter?

-Yeah.

-Oh. Oh.

Oh. This has never happened before on this show.

Oh, balls!

Ore's text says, "Just read that out live on BBC Radio 2."

He's gone, "Like I said, see you shortly after 9pm. Big Love, buddy."

-And then the kissing one.

-I'd better get home quick!

You actually might have to have this party!

You'll be in the Yellow Pages, going,

"I'm looking for a late-night hot tub delivery service.

"It's E Balls."

Your wife... She's texted three texts, the first one is,

"Seriously?" Then the next one is,

"Midlife crisis getting just a little out of hand now?"

Oh, my God! The third text from your wife, Yvette Cooper, reads,

"DO NOT get your mankini out."

-Rob Rinder?

-Judge Rinder.

-Oh, Judge Rinder!

Oh, we love Judge Rinder.

Judge Rinder has texted, "Ed, have you been drinking?

"I'm concerned.

"Much as I'd love to join for some hot tub action,

"I'm sure I'd ruin the entire vibe.

"I also have a verruca."

Oh, my God! A great one from Fi Glover.

Fi Glover's a radio broadcaster.

-Yes, Radio 4.

-Oh, she's good.

Simple one liner.

"How we all wish you had become Chancellor."

Oh, that's brilliant. Wayne...

Wayne is the person who used to live next door to us.

-He's a Methodist vicar.

-He's a Methodist vicar.

I've got to tell you, it's really good.

So the Methodist vicar who lives next door to you,

who's been invited to join you in a hot tub with Anton du Beke,

Stormzy, and Delia Smith has replied,

"I'll just finish writing my sermon then grab my towel."

How awesome is that? Thank you from all of us.

Ed Balls! What about that?!

That was sensational.

Ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight

we surprised Stella in our entirely fake cat cafe next door to the

theatre. Let's have a little look at how she's been getting on since that

surprise earlier tonight.

I just thought it was a final surprise from my daughter

for a weekend away. We just went into this lovely little cat cafe,

which was absolutely brilliant.

I just can't believe they actually kept the secret from me completely.

-It's just mad.

-Well done.

-Thank you.

I'm Juliet. I'm going to be your vocal coach today.

Of all the unexpected stars,

I think Stella's been the most emotional.

She was crying and just felt a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing,

I think.

It's something that I've always dreamed of since I was 11 years old

and after all of these years I've waited, it's finally arrived.

The last hour has been magical, actually.

It's just been a whirlwind.

I thought I'd be on the train home by now.

I'm probably more nervous than she is.

She's amazing and I'm just in awe of her.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our unexpected star of tonight's show,

it's Stella!

CHEERING

MUSIC: O Mio Babbino Caro

SHE SINGS IN ITALIAN

Ladies and gentlemen, it's our Unexpected Star of tonight's show,

Stella. What about that? Amazing. Amazing.

Come on, guys. Come on up.

Come on up. Come on, Shakira. Come on, Mum and Dad.

Very, very, very good. Come on, Dad. Don't back off.

It's show business!

Stella, how do you feel after that?

Oh, I'm still shaking, actually. I feel absolutely amazing.

What an incredible thing to go through.

Yes, from stroking cats in a cafe to standing on the stage.

-Let's not leave out eating cat food, Stella!

-No.

But how's it been turning it around and rehearsing?

-It must have been like a whirlwind.

-It's just been absolutely amazing.

It really has been a dream come true for me. Thank you so much.

Well, thank you so much. We loved it.

CHEERING It's Stella, ladies and gentlemen.

Fantastic. Brilliant.

Really sensational.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for everybody that's been on tonight.

We'll see you again next week for another Big Show.

Until then, thank you very much. Goodnight!