Edinburgh Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a big, Edinburgh welcome to Michael McIntyre.

APPLAUSE

Look at this!

Look at this!

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to my comedy roadshow!

Tonight, I'll be introducing my favourite stand-up comedians,

right here in my favourite city of them all. It's Edinburgh!

CHEERING

How are you? Are you all right?

Just by way of applause, who's actually Scottish?

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE

I don't think, seriously, there's anyone anyone more patriotic in the world than the Scots.

You are tremendously patriotic, would you agree with that?

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

Nobody loves Scotland like you, really.

It's unbelievable.

I love the way that you take things that aren't Scottish and make them Scottish.

Like the egg, for example.

We all know what eggs are. Some of you may have had eggs today. I'd eggs this morning.

You've taken the egg, put a bit of bread crumbs on it, that's a Scotch egg!

-SCOTTISH ACCENT

-That's our egg, yeah!

We don't need your English bald eggs.

We've got egg and bread in a handy testicle shaped snack, eh?

What's that you've got there, tape?

Put some tartan packaging on that tape.

That's Scotch tape.

That's our tape, that's the best tape.

None of your Sello-bullshit-tape.

Every morning I wake up,

my Braveheart alarm clock, "Freedom!" That's me.

A couple of Scotch eggs, juggle them for a bit.

Play some hopscotch, why not?

Dip them in butterscotch, read the Scotsman.

Have a glass of Scotch, get on the Flying Scotsman, head down to London, tell them all to piss off.

Another couple of Scotch eggs, a bit more Butterscotch,

maybe chat up a Scottish Widow on the train.

Break into the Royal Bank Of Scotland,

steal some Scottish money and after the thorough investigation from Scotland Yard, get off scot-free.

Can you imagine a better day?

So, it's nice to be here.

I was told before I came out that there was a gentleman who had to be moved

because he couldn't fit into his seat.

I said, "Can you point him out?" And they said, "You'll see him."

I believe your name is Gregor Edmonds, is that right?

-And you're like the strongest man in history, would that be correct?

-Not quite, no.

Not quite? There's God, then there's me!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Gregor Edmonds!

Be honest with me, how many Shredded Wheat do you eat a day?

I'm disappointed you're not in your big Highland games gear, because I'd expect you to be permanently in it.

I love the kilt. Is anybody actually in a kilt tonight?

LAUGHTER

It's not a special occasion, I understand that.

It's not a special occasion, but I do love it.

I don't really know how it was invented, I've got of theory on this.

I think it's basically been created to be as opposite to English people as possible.

I think at some stage during history, Scottish people got together

and said, "Today we're going to design the Scot, aw right?"

The theory on this is we're going to have him as opposite to English people as is humanly possible.

I've been down there and it's not pretty, it's not pretty!

They're wearing trousers. So, we're going to open with a skirt.

Modelling it here is...Scott.

Are you all right, Scott? I'm all right.

But you've got me in a skirt. I'm not happy about that.

You've got to hear me out, all right?

They have plain black trousers down there, all right?

So we're going to go with the multi-coloured skirt.

In fact, every family, a different colour. You aw right?

I'm prepared to listen.

Fine. They've got little black socks.

We're going to go with the long white hockey sock.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling peculiar, if I'm honest with you.

Unfortunately, I've been down there and they're all in underpants.

According to the rules,

there can be no pants, Scott.

Are you out of your bloody mind, eh?

You've got me standing here in hockey socks and a skirt with my balls hanging out?!

Are you sure you've thought this through?

I've done my best!

What about pockets? Can I have pockets?

I mean, I've got to put my money...

I've got good Scottish money, it's very strong right now, the currency.

It's £1 to the pound, where am I gonna put it? Can I have pockets?

I'm sorry, English people have pockets. It's not acceptable to have pockets.

What am I going to do, just carry it around?

No, no, we're going to have a bag.

A bag?

Are you out of your mind?!

I'm already in hockey socks with my balls hanging out and multi-coloured skirt.

Now, you want me walking around the the handbag? It's not on!

It's not going to be a handbag.

It better not be, because that's girlie.

It's no girlie. We've done everything we can to masculinise the bag.

It's going to be a cock bag.

Are you serious?!

You want me walking around in long white hockey socks with my balls hanging out,

with a multi-coloured skirt and a cock bag?

It's still girly, it's still girly to have a bag. I dinnae care.

We've done our absolute utmost to address the situation and it's going to be hairy.

It's a hairy cock bag. Are you all right with that?

I suppose I'm all right with that but what if people take the pish?

I thought of that. You can have a knife in your sock, all right?

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to introduce to you some...literally my favourite comedians around.

This is going to be a great show.

Are you in the mood for a great show?

YES!

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my absolute pleasure to welcome one of the leading young lights of Scottish comedy,

please give all your love to the wonderful, Kevin Bridges.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, good evening.

Good to be here at the Comedy Roadshow.

I thought, maybe start off with a joke.

So I seen a sign that said, "Have you seen this man?"

So I phoned up and I said, "No."

It's something to do, innit?

I might be a few things but I'm not a grass.

So, it's good to be in Edinburgh. I'm actually from Glasgow myself.

SOME CHEERING

Thank you. We very much get a reputation,

the city of Glasgow was recently announced as Europe's murder capital.

But also voted the UK's friendliest city.

In the same week.

We got our act together, pronto.

You might get the shite kicked out of you,

but you'll get directions to the hospital.

Nice people.

A bit mental, but a friendly mental.

I always remember my first ever altercation with a friendly madman.

It was about midnight.

I was standing at a bus stop, waiting on a bus.

That's the way I play the game, right?

That's how I roll.

At the bus stop, waiting on a bus, two people sat beside me.

They were doing something similar.

Everybody was having a good time.

Sounds a bit far fetched, but it's based on a true story.

So everybody's there, getting their bus stop on, when a friendly mad man showed up.

A guy, he was across the road, and he shouted, "Hoy, you!

"Hoy, You. Aye, you."

Now, when you're at a bus stop at midnight, and somebody instigates a conversation...

..with "Hoy, you!

"Hoy, you. Aye, you."

You kinda shite yourself.

And you try and keep your head down, right?

And then the guy shouts, "Hoy, fat boy.

"Fatty."

And, well, I'm standing there, and I'm looking at the two people...

..trying to figure out their BMI.

Cos one of us is about to become a statistic, right?

But beside me were just these two big skinny pensioner types.

Cool. This one must be for me.

And the guy said "Fat boy, give me a quid, or you're getting stabbed".

I thought, "A quid?

"That's quite reasonable."

Panic over. I mean...

I've never been stabbed,

but I can imagine it would be somewhat inconvenient.

Maybe even put a dampener on your evening. You'd be covered in blood.

You'd need to go to a hospital to get stitches.

You'd be physically and emotionally traumatised.

And here,

we've got a gentleman...

..offering me the chance

to bypass such a horrendous ordeal...

..in this current financial climate...

..for a mere pound.

Now, I'm a sucker for a bargain, so...

APPLAUSE

In Edinburgh, you're talking at least a fiver, aren't you?

Is everybody having a good credit crunch, everybody?

Everybody enjoying it? I don't really know what happened.

I just remember everything just became really expensive.

You're never asked any questions, you just get charged astronomical prices,

just to be told, "Yeah, that's the credit crunch."

But the final straw

for me, I was in a shop, and I was buying a packet of Bikers...

..a packet of Space Raiders...

..and a packet of Johnny's Onion Rings.

Does anybody know the collective term for these kind of crisps?

-10p.

-Exactly.

Now, imagine my shock when the guy asked me for 45 pence.

Now, when 10p crisps are costing 15p,

that's when I began to take an interest in economics.

That's when I started watching Bloomberg and reading the Financial Times

and whether the FTSE's up or the Dow Jones, who knows what that means?

But soon we'll be paying a quid for a Chomp.

APPLAUSE

See, I was never rich. I don't come from a wealthy background, but I don't come from a poor background.

I was always the in-between guy.

Remember the first day back at school after the summer holidays,

that was the day you found out what class you were in.

I don't mean educationally.

I mean socially.

I was never one of the rich kids that would come strolling in and have a suntan,

and a new school bag.

But I was never one of the ones that would come in with a black eye

and a new second name.

You'd ask your teacher, "Sir, how come Jamie Cosgrove's now called Jamie De La Cruz?"

"That's because his mum's a dirty."

Thank you! That's all from me.

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Bridges.

Kevin Bridges!

Fantastic.

I've been here a couple of days.

I know there's a bit of an atmosphere in the city. I don't necessarily want to bring it up.

In fact, I said to myself, "Don't bring it up,"

but here I am bringing it up.

How's the tram panning out?

Don't get into a taxi and ask that question. It's quite terrifying!

"BLOODY tram!

"NOBODY wants it! Nobody wants it!

"Not one person has ever waited for a bus and said, 'Couldn't this be on rails?' Nobody!"

It goes up and down.

Every time you get into a taxi, a driver will have a higher price

for how much it's costing. "It's costing £17 billion".

"It's costing £82 trillion."

"It's costing £914 gazillion!"

"For the money it's costing, they should build an identical Edinburgh next to Edinburgh."

That's what somebody said to me.

What kind of logic is this?

"It goes from Leith to the airport. From Leith to the airport!

"People in Leith dinnae bloody go on holiday!"

"It's just like Parliament all over again. It's just like Parliament all over again.

"Same thing, up in value, 400 million, 7 billion zillion".

But at least they got it finished, the Parliament building, which I've seen, by the way.

Is a strange concoction.

Looks like Tarzan's house.

Are you pleased with this? What was the thinking behind it?

Did they have a meeting, "If we're going to have a political hub in Edinburgh,

"we'd better make sure that we've got our defences sorted out.

"It might be a high risk for security,

"what with the present environment.

"Anybody got any ideas how we should defend ourselves?"

"How about bamboo?

"We'll just have big bamboo pillars.

"Al-Qaeda cannae squeeze through there!

"They'd get their beards caught in it!"

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?

Yes!

We are so lucky to have this man here.

I love this guy. You'll love him too.

Give all your love for the wonderful talent, Mr Stewart Francis!

# Take me on a trip I'd like to go some day

# Take me to New York I'd love to see LA... #

NORTH AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, man.

Thank you very much.

My name is Stewart Francis.

Don't worry, I haven't heard of you either.

I'm getting used to it.

In a world full of patronising insincerity,

it is so nice...

..to be back in my beautiful home town.

Edinberg.

So many people are jumping

on the Barack Obama bandwagon, which, as an African-American...

LAUGHTER

..really offends me.

No, you're looking at a very proud Canadian

who's very proud of the education system in Canadia, I think.

I think it's the goodest of all 17 countries.

No, I was horrible in school. I failed math so many times, I can't even count.

I was good at history.

No.

No, I wasn't.

So long ago.

I preferred French over chemistry because the chemistry teacher and I just didn't have any, um...

..rapport.

Sadly as a Canadian, I don't speak French. Such is life.

As a kid, my fairy godmother

asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory. I forget my response.

Like most Canadians, I like to go clubbing,

but if there's no seals around...

..I go dancing.

Last night I went to a dance club that was full of white kids talking black.

Got so annoying, I finally left.

Besides, daylight come and me want to go home.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refused to be spoken to in that tone.

That's the thing, my friends.

I'm a one-liner comedian.

I'm not a storyteller.

Interesting how that all started...

We all have bittersweet memories of our childhood.

I recall one summer when the neighbourhood parents were buying their children skateboards.

It was the rage at the time. Except for my parents.

They told me we were too poor and that they couldn't afford to buy me a skateboard.

But I remember one night I tippy-toed out of my bedroom,

got a piece of wood and a hammer, and I beat them to death.

My foster parents bought me five skateboards.

My sexual fantasy is to make love to Sigmund Freud's father...mother!

Nobody wants to be alone.

A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance.

Beer-bellied, completely bald...

I don't like her chances.

You've got to be careful. I was involved in a one-night stand that went horribly wrong.

We've been married three years now.

They say opposites attract, but try explaining that to my short, ugly wife.

No, my wife is beautiful.

She has an ass like J-Lo.

No, Jell-O.

And I'm not ashamed of my wife.

If you don't believe me, go to the car and ask her.

Ask her loud, she's in the boot.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

No, I'm not married. If I was married, would I be able to do this?

Exactly. No, I've got a girlfriend.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for...

sex.

You up for sex? No?

I love to go to bookstores and say to the clerk, "Hello,

"I'm looking for a book titled, How To Deal With Rejection Without Killing.

"Do you have it?"

Irony, that's one thing I truly do respect about you people here in...Scotland.

You get irony, and it's everywhere.

Sharon Osbourne judges talent.

HE SNIGGERS

Yeah! Irony.

There's a paper in Scotland called The Sun.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear me.

A lot of people accuse me of taking the audience for granted,

and I'd like to address that before I get to the standing ovation.

LAUGHTER

I knew you'd like that joke.

I hope you guys are doing OK. Moneywise, I'm set for life, provided I die next Tuesday.

I'm trying to become the most famous person in my neighbourhood.

A guy in my neighbourhood is in the Guinness Book Of Records. He's had 43 concussions.

He lives very close, just a stone's throw away, but the point...

Some of you recognise that,

whereas most of you are looking at me, thinking, "Is this shit funny in Canada?"

No, it's not. That's why I'm here.

I love you, Edinburgh. Cheerio the noo!

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

Stewart Francis, ladies and gentlemen, fantastic!

We love Stewart Francis!

I keep catching the eye of Michelle McManus,

winner of Pop Idol, Michelle McManus!

APPLAUSE

Who voted on the phone for Michelle?

CHEERING

You've got people who voted for you here.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Redial. We can do this.

"Come on, we can do this.

"We can win this.

"It's not about singing, it's about English bastards!

LAUGHTER

"Is that BT? Right, here's the numbers for my Friends And Family.

"Number one, Michelle McManus in Pop Idol.

"We can bloody do this."

Sometimes on your mobile phone, you lose signal, don't you?

You lose signal. It's an odd moment.

We all try to regain signal by saying hello normally,

then three sharp hellos, and then a long hello.

We think this will help.

" Hello? Hello-hello-hello?

"Hellooo?"

I've lost them. Did you try all the hellos?

The three sharp hellos, long hellos.

At the offices of Hello! magazine do they pick up the phone

and go, "Hello, Hello!"?

I feel sorry for OK! magazine who have to mention

a major competitor before they mention their own magazine!

"Hello, OK!". I hate that!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Without a doubt one of the finest comedians working in the country

and one of my favourites.

Please welcome Mr Mark Watson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ta. Hi!

My name is Mark.

Easy enough. Well, quite easy.

It does cause trouble. My name is just a noise.

Mark. Amazing how hard it can be.

If you hear someone in the street go, "Argh!" sounds like Mark.

Someone in the street goes,

"I'm going to go to the park, do some drugs."

Again, you hear, "Mark, fancy some drugs?"

It's amazing being on the television what you can and can't say.

You have to be very careful with language. The F word, no-no.

Even the one that's ruder than that. The C word. You can't go near that.

It's funny. It's funny how certain words get people angry.

The so-called C word, makes people shiver. Really it's just a word.

It's no different from saying Frisbee, really.

Of course the context makes a difference.

Had a bit of a mix-up in a park once.

LAUGHTER

It's the same thing, isn't it?

I've got a wife.

LAUGHTER

I have. That's not one of the jokes. It's a comment.

She's a proper woman. I got her fair and square.

The only thing is when you're a person...

I feel lucky to have got a wife.

This is going to sound really sentimental

but I don't want her to die or anything.

I'm a romantic fool.

I sort of married above myself a bit.

It was a fluke. I don't think I could re-recruit, if you see what I mean.

Maybe some of you will know what it's like when you have someone you love

so much that you live in paranoia that they might be dead.

It's really tiring.

If I send her a text and she doesn't reply, after 15 minutes I think,

"Oh, she's probably died."

Having to wake them up in the night to check they're still breathing.

You don't always get the thanks you deserve, either.

"Do I look dead?!"

"No, angry, if anything."

It's not worth being paranoid.

Quite often you think, "What would be the worst possible thing I can do now?"

You probably know what it's like to be strongly tempted to do something.

We've all had a situation where you walk over a bridge,

keys in your hand.

For no reason you start thinking,

"Imagine if I threw them. I won't, but I could."

The more you think, the more overpowering the temptation.

"I could throw them, I'm going to throw them. Yep!"

Oh, I've lost a few sets of keys that way!

The worst thing I've ever done,

just because the temptation was too strong, I once kicked a man.

There was no reason for it at all.

I couldn't get past him. He was wheeling this suitcase really slowly.

I couldn't find a way to dodge past.

It came into my head, "Imagine if I kicked him."

Again, you think, "Imagine if I kicked him, I mustn't.

"But I could kick him. Maybe I will."

And I walked along thinking, "I believe I'm going to kick this man."

In the end, I kicked the bugger, quite hard in the back of the leg.

As I was doing it, I remember thinking, what else could I have done?

The guy swung round.

He looked pretty annoyed.

All I could think of to say was, "I've kicked you!"

which isn't an excuse, more just a summary of the events.

That's another thing you do when you're a comedian,

you say things out loud. It's my job, really,

to say what I think. It's not a good habit. In Edinburgh,

I had an embarrassing moment

just where there's a cash machine on the bridge.

I was behind this guy and he was checking his bank balance.

Of course, you're not meant to look. But I did. It was £30,000.

Your balance is £30,000. Just in his bank account.

I was so amazed I blurted out, "You've got loads there."

The guy swung round. It was a hard one to explain.

Oh, dear me.

It's gone sort of quite well, really.

It's gone fairly well.

A lot of people wouldn't fancy doing this at all.

A lot of people think it's brave.

People say, "You're so brave."

In fact, I'm the least tough member of my family.

My dad is a big, tough guy.

My granddad killed a bear once with just his hands.

It was a fluke, to be fair.

The bear was looking the other way and he pushed it over a cliff.

LAUGHTER

It was more of a tactical victory, really.

Compared with that, I've no history of heroics.

In fact I've done nothing...

A nurse said to me, "What you do is so brave."

It's an amazing thing to say. Nurses are much more brave.

Imagine having the courage to give hope to sick people.

I'd be terrible. If someone said to me, "Am I going to die? Am I dying?"

I'd find it hard not to say,

"You do look pasty.

"Put it this way, I wouldn't begin watching 24."

You can't do that. "Don't buy a box set."

I even had a guy say to me, "You're the bravest man I've ever met."

It was incredible. This guy himself was a bungee jumper.

He had bungee-jumped for charity naked off South Pier in Blackpool.

Which one of us is brave?

I'd never in a million years go to Blackpool.

That's enough from me. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Thanks, my name's Mark Watson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marvellous. Fantastic.

Mark Watson, ladies and gentlemen!

We love Mark Watson!

I went for a walk down Princes Street.

It's difficult, especially in the Festival.

People are shopping on one side or tourists

on the other are taking photos of the castle.

It's very awkward when people

are taking photos because you don't quite know...

Should I stop? Have you finished? OK.

Then there's another person, "Do you mind if I...?

It's an odd walk. If you remove the people, you'd look a complete...

This one guy was taking a photo. I jumped in front.

I thought, just for a bit of fun. He can delete the photo.

It's no big deal. I'm just going to go for it.

I was in a silly mood. He was taking the photo and I went, "Yeah!"

He went absolutely insane.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I can't believe it!"

"I can't believe you just did that! I've only got one shot. One shot."

It was very odd. I thought, "Is this Eminem?"

Anyway, it turned out he was taking a photo

of the castle with the cannon

that goes off once every 24 hours.

It was this exact moment that I went, "Yeah!"

As he was telling me,

I remembered it going "Booff!" behind me.

I thought that was the camera.

I thought it's an amazing camera, it's a weird sensation.

He was like, "Now I've got to come back tomorrow!

"Now I've got to come back here tomorrow!"

I heard his accent and I went back tomorrow as well!

"Me again."

"Yeah! Asshole!"

It's my pleasure to bring on tonight's

headline act.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This man is doing phenomenal business.

I've long been a fan of his.

He's one of my favourite comedians in the whole world. I love this guy.

He was a huge success last year in the Festival.

He's going from strength to strength.

Please give all your love for the wonderful Mr Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello, Edinburgh.

CHEERING

Are you well?

It's good to be back!

This is the best place in the world to do comedy, isn't it?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

It is. You love a laugh, don't you?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

You love a laugh.

Last year, I was staying...

what's that street...?

St Mary's Street. Is that the one off the Royal Mile?

I had a first-floor flat.

So every day I was at the same height

as the open-top misery tour.

I'd sit at my window. I was at exactly the same height as the

poor, miserable, sodden Japanese tourists.

Huddled in the wind and driving rain,

in their emergency ponchos.

Their faces set like stone against the Scottish elements,

like shrink-wrapped gargoyles hanging off the side.

They would open their mouths

and water would spew down the side of the bus.

I'd just get the odd word,

the odd word of the commentary would waft in on the wind.

Have you heard the commentary? It's hilariously miserable.

The odd word, the odd ancient grudge would float in on the wind.

"10,000 Scots died..." Neeowwww...

"Centuries of oppression..."

Neeowwww...

I went on one a few days later and I came off like William bloody Wallace.

Come on!

We can do this. I was going to go shopping in the afternoon,

I ended up marching on Cumbria instead.

It's nice to be back. I'm staying here tonight.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yay!

Yes! It means I don't have to drive home. This job is terrible for that.

You usually have to drive home late at night. I hate night-time driving.

What are those things they put on late at night?

Not lights. No!

On the radio. Those things when you're driving along.

They're not adverts, they're like infomercials.

Do you know the things I mean? When you're driving along

and you're tired and it's late.

The radio says, "You're tired, it's late.

"The monotony of driving is sending you to sleep."

I'm thinking, "You're not helping here, pal."

I was driving back to Cardiff once, have you heard this one?

It was half-past one in the morning.

I was on the M4 and this one came on.

It said, "Fall asleep at the wheel

"and you could travel further than you think."

LAUGHTER

"You could travel further than you think."

In fact, in six seconds it said a car on the motorway

could travel up to one eighth of a mile.

It was half-past one in the morning, I had 110 miles still to go.

So I did a few calculations...

I set my alarm for three.

I must have slept through it.

I woke up driving through Ireland the next morning.

I'd been on the car ferry and all sorts!

I flew to...

You fly all over the world with this job. I flew to Australia.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Woo!

-Are you Australian?

-Yes!

-Where are you from?

-From Brisbane.

From Brisbane? I went to...Melbourne.

LAUGHTER

-Do you know Melbourne?

-Yeah.

Can you explain that flight to me?

What? The distance?

Well, I left my house at half-past twelve on a Monday.

I got to your place Wednesday teatime.

What the hell happened to Tuesday?

I had stuff to do.

I left Melbourne at half-past six on Monday.

It took exactly 24 hours but I still got back Monday night.

What happened to Tuesday again? What is it with you people and Tuesdays?

LAUGHTER

I flew to Ireland, any Irish in?

CHEERING

I flew to Dublin a few years ago.

I've told this story all over the world.

Everywhere I've gone I've blamed a different airline.

But the true story happened on a flight to Dublin

and I can't tell you the name of the airline for legal reasons.

We'll call them Bryanair, right?

LAUGHTER

Listen, I was exc... I was going abroad.

I'm Welsh. I bought shorts.

T-shirts, sunglasses.

They don't even sell them in Wales, I had to go to Bristol to buy them.

I was excited. I bought myself a brand new suitcase.

One of the posh ones with the wheels and I flew to Dublin.

I'll show you what I found when I arrived in Dublin airport

just a few hours later.

That. LAUGHTER

It's not funny.

Anyway, I get the last laugh. It still works.

You can see where some hilarious baggage handler

has put a "heavy" label on that. Look!

Bend your knees is the advice to anybody tackling that baby.

I'm not going to lie to you.

The flight was about £9.99.

I wasn't expecting miracles.

If I'm completely honest,

the first three times this went round the baggage carousel, I laughed.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Everybody laughed the first three times. It was hilarious.

Everybody was having a great time.

One by one they went home.

It was just me and this.

I thought I could sort it out. I took this to the desk.

I marched over.

I'll sort this out.

I didn't know what I was up against. The girl at the desk looks at me,

no hint of irony, she says, "What seems to be the problem?"

I said, "Mainly it's about my luggage."

She said, "Is that not it?"

I said, "This is some of it."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to get this.

"The thing is, I'm here for a month.

"I'm pretty sure I packed more than this."

She started asking those questions.

Those questions they ask you in airports.

I've heard these questions all over the world.

They're normally sensible questions. There was no need for it.

She said, "Could anyone have interfered with it?"

I said, "We probably shouldn't rule that out."

She said, "Have you left it unattended at any point?"

I said, "I suppose I must have."

I'm not the most observant person but if this had happened

while I was wheeling it through the airport, I think I'd have noticed!

Surely it would have gone very light very quickly.

She said, "Did you pack it yourself?"

I said, "What are you suggesting?

"My mother packed and thought this is all I'd need?"

LAUGHTER

She said, "We'll do a report.

"Don't you worry. We'll soon have your luggage back."

I thought, "Good. Do your bloody report."

It was all going quite well until question three.

She took my name, she took my address.

She said, "Does it have any distinguishing features?"

I said, "It's got a long black handle, if that's any use."

She wrote that down.

Everyone's a comedian in Ireland.

Especially the taxi drivers.

They're the worst. I walked from the airport to the taxi rank.

Bear in mind I didn't have a five-minute story to tell,

I just had 22 kilograms of missing shit.

I wasn't looking too pleased.

The guy in the first taxi, he saw me coming along with this.

His eyes lit up.

You could... It was so predictable.

He walks round to the back...

pops open the boot.

Typical Irish wit! He says, "Do you want a hand with that?"

"No, thank you. I think I can manage."

I said, "If you really want to help, you can take the trolley back."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, lovely to be back in Edinburgh.

Hopefully see you at the Festival. I'm Rhod Gilbert.

Thank you very, very much. Thank you.

Rhod Gilbert, ladies and gentlemen. What more do you need?

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for everyone we've had.

We had Mark Watson, ladies and gentlemen! Fantastic.

Stewart Francis was here.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Local boy Kevin Bridges.

And the wonderful Rhod Gilbert.

Thank you very much. Join me next time on my Comedy Roadshow.

Good night! Thank you.

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