Manchester Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen...

Please give a big Manchester welcome to Michael McIntyre!

Thank you very much! Whoo-hoo!

OK!

Good evening!

All right?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, good Lord.

Nice.

Hello and welcome to my comedy roadshow!

Tonight I will be introducing the finest stand-up comedians of all the world

for your enjoyment right here in, undoubtedly, my favourite city of all -

Manchester!

I arrived earlier today. I drove past Hope Hospital.

Is this really the best name for a hospital? Hope is the last resort.

When there's nothing else, there's always hope and you name your hospitals this?!

"Hiya. I'm here to see me dad." "You want the Fingers Crossed Unit. That's straight down there...

"If you get to 50/50 Ward, you've gone too far. Come back."

I'm staying in the Hilton Hotel, which is like... It goes up, then another building goes up.

It's like Tetris. It's an odd building.

And you know these security tags in shops when you steal and it goes off?

They have that on the dressing gown in the hotel!

It's weighing me down. I went to get my paper - beep-beep-beep! Bloody hell!

But I understand there has been a spate of burglaries in the North.

I'm thinking specifically of the Liverpool football team.

BOOING

I think it is really not exactly fighting the stereotype

that people in Liverpool are stealing from the football team.

They're supposed to be their heroes and they steal from them while they're playing!

Because that way they know that they're not at home. Genius!

They're sitting at home watching TV, going, "Go on, Stevie G, go on, pass to Alonso, he's free!

"Hang on a minute!

"Is this live?

"I'm gonna go round Stevie G's house. Call me if he's substituted! Awright?"

I don't want to bring up football too much in Manchester. I know there's a bit of friction.

I don't want to separate people into their teams. I know you're divided.

I said to my wife that it's called Man City and Man United.

And it was her, not me, who pointed out that they do sound like gay clubs. OK?

You can't argue, really.

Don't shoot the messenger!

-CAMP:

-"Where you going Saturday?" "I'm going down Man City."

"Go to any other clubs?" "Yeah, Man United. It's great.

"Afterwards, a few of us are going down the MEN Arena. Wanna come?"

I came up on t'train. Came up on t'train.

I was facing backwards, which is never good. Can I cope with facing backwards when it goes whoo?

You hold on to your ticket because it will be inspected.

Even tonight you will hold on to your ticket, even though you're in.

You look at it. "Do I need this? I'm going to hold on to it."

You even do this on aeroplanes. There's no reason for this.

Once you're on the aeroplane, "I'll put it in the pouch. You never know."

It's very unlikely that halfway through the flight someone will go, "Tickets, please!"

"I don't have it!" "Stop the plane!"

We tend to keep ourselves amused on the train by trying to read stations you're not stopping at.

The name's written on the platform, but you can never quite catch it.

Here comes another one! Oooh!

"AB-something. Did you get it?" "I didn't."

The best entertainment is other people's phone conversations.

This bloke got on, an angry-looking businessman. His face was contorted into being constantly unpleasant.

You know when people are so rude so many times, their face just becomes angry?

And you look at them and say, "That is not a nice person.

"There's no way anything good can come out of his face."

You couldn't imagine, "I love you."

"Can I help you with that bag?"

So this guy sits down, he gets out his phone and he goes, "Ian!" The loudest I've heard anybody speak!

He went, "Ian!" Everybody on the train went, "Who is this Ian?!"

People in other carriages were going, "There was an announcement about Ian!"

You know when a train comes in the opposite direction and everybody thinks they're going to die?

"We're not dead. Are we dead?" Why don't they warn you?! "You're not going to die...now."

So he goes, "Ian, it's Dad!

"I'm on t'train!"

In the North, you like to get to the heart of the sentence. "I'm on t'train!

"Have you got homework? Geography? Right! Do it!

"And make it neat!"

And then he hung up the phone. There was a shared feeling on the train of panic for Ian's wellbeing.

What should happen should he smudge into the margin whilst drawing his ox-bow lake? We didn't know!

But then it settled down and we carried on. After about 10 minutes, he swore to himself.

He wasn't even on the phone. He just went, "Shit!"

"Is he on the phone?! He's mad! The man's insane!"

He went on the phone. "Ian, it's Dad again. I've taken the wrong bloody train!"

For one satisfying moment...

"How you getting on with your geography? Finish it and I'll check it!"

And this woman just said, "Excuse me, love. You're travelling in the wrong direction.

"I think you need to concentrate on your own geography."

A brilliant moment!

So, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my first guest on the show?

Without a doubt, this is one of the finest comedians working in the country today.

It's a real treat to have him. Mr John Bishop!

Hello! Good evening. How are you? SOME CHEERS

Good, good. Don't worry. I'd never heard of me either.

It's lovely to be here. For those that haven't yet worked it out, I'm from Liverpool.

MIXED REACTION It just shows the BBC's commitment to ethnic diversity.

They could have put me on anywhere, but they thought, "Let's throw him on in Manchester and see what happens."

Thanks for that applause because we have this rivalry between us and it's unnecessary.

Let's be honest, between Liverpool and Manchester, what is there?

Warrington. LOUD LAUGHTER

Be honest, before the Swedes built a shop, we didn't know it was there.

And when the Swedes built the shop, they realised the problems they had.

They thought, "Build in Warrington. These people are half-breeds from Liverpool and Manchester.

"Let's make it easy. Let's show them which way to walk around the shop."

If you ever go to Ikea and try to walk against the arrows, people scream at you.

You can't just go to the marketplace, you must go through soft furnishing, even if you don't want anything.

That's why all over the country people are walking home with four-foot snakes they didn't want.

You just buy stuff. We bought a new fridge.

And we had a fridge. There was nothing wrong with it. It just wasn't massive.

So my wife wanted a new fridge, a silver fridge that's the size of a bungalow.

So she wanted a new fridge and cos I like sex, I said yeah.

And we got this fridge and the best thing about this fridge, the big selling point,

is you can get instant cold water direct from the fridge.

I've got to be honest, that hasn't half changed our lives.

What we've decided to do is put the fridge in the kitchen next to the sink.

I'm probably saving myself a yard of walking every day.

But what that meant was we had a spare fridge.

There was a time when I was growing up when having a spare fridge... A MAN SHOUTS

What was that? < Put it in the garden!

Well, that was the joke...

But obviously I didn't know I was in a double act.

You know what you've just done now?

When I walked out here, I had that same feeling General Custer had.

I looked around the room and thought, "I'm from Liverpool. I'm outnumbered."

But you've managed to put them all on my side. Thanks for that.

Because you're not wrong. The garden is the best place.

When I was growing up, that's where we put it. If you had some spare white goods, they went in the garden.

Just so you could show off to the neighbours. "I've got a fridge I don't even use.

"And we're doing that well, we've left the plug on it."

That's how you used to show off, but you can't do that now. It's not acceptable.

Kids don't play with fridges in the same way we used to.

My kids wouldn't know what to do with a fridge in the garden.

They wouldn't see it like the adventure that I saw.

My kids are posh kids. Posh, middle-class... My kids are the kids I used to throw stones at.

Some mornings when they're going to the posh school with the posh satchels, I go, "Piss off!

"Sorry, son.

"You've dropped your lunch box. All your couscous has fell out."

So there was no point in leaving it in the garden,

so what we did... Has anyone tried to get rid of a fridge these days?

It's a nightmare. I don't know if you're aware of this fact,

but if you're from Liverpool, by law, someone in your family has to have a van.

It's true. You ask any Scouser you know. They know someone with a van.

And so my brother, our Eddie, he's got the family van.

I phoned and said, "I need the van. I've got to get rid of a fridge."

So I took the fridge to the dump.

Going to the dump used to be great. You could get rid of stuff.

Now you've got to pass an exam.

There's a fella there with a yellow vest and a clipboard

who's done an NVQ in clipboard management.

I turn up at the dump. He said, "What have you got?" I said, "Rubbish."

He said, "What's in the back?" I said, "The fridge."

He said, "Oof. You can't bring that here." "Why?" "We've got an environmental policy now.

"You can't just bring a fridge here." I said, "Why not?" "You can't just dump a fridge any more."

"What has to happen?" "You'll have to phone us up."

"Then what?" "We come and get it."

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I said, "Who do I ring?" he gave me a number and I'm sat in the van with my phone out.

I've pressed the number. The phone in his hut rang!

He went to the hit and said, "Hello?" I said, "I've got a fridge."

He said, "Where are you?" I said, "I'm outside, dickhead!"

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely. I've been John Bishop. Thank you. Good night, God bless.

Nailed it!

Well done. Brilliant.

John Bishop, ladies and gentlemen! Come on! Fantastic!

Superb!

Brilliant. We love the Bish.

I didn't understand a word that man said!

You know Northerners move to London and they lose their accent really quickly. I hate that.

Where are you from? "Oh, Sheffield, yah.

"I just love it. I'm a Northern girl, through and through. Yah?

"I'm really into steel. Just left Sheffield."

How long have you been in London? "Three weeks now. Three weeks. I'm really settled in."

What about your accent? "I've still got my accent. When I've had a drink, it all comes back."

At the end of work: want to go for a drink? "I'll have a dry white wine.

"Did ah need that!

"What a day!"

Are you ready for my next guest?

Ladies and gentlemen, she's absolutely fabulous. She's going to be massive.

It's Miss Sarah Millican!

# One way or another I'm gonna find you I'm gonna get you, get you

# One way or another... #

Hello! AUDIENCE: Hello!

I'm going to tell you about me. I got married at 22

and divorced at 29. Have we got any divorcees in? Give us a cheer. CHEER

Some really happy people! Well done. Give us a cheer if you're married.

CHEER

You sound as happy as that fella up there. Your time will come.

Give us a wave if you're married. How long have you been married?

Three and a half years? Oh, you're nearly done.

When I got divorced, I moved back in with me mam and dad. That's not good, is it?

When we first split up, somebody said it was like a bereavement.

A stock phrase that rolls out of people who never thought of peeing on their husband's toothbrush.

And not telling them.

"Time's a healer." "Plenty more fish in the sea."

My own personal favourite: "I never liked him."

That was me mam!

I still get the how-are-you head tilt. "How are you?"

It isn't like a bereavement at all. Cos if he had died, I'd have had my mortgage paid!

And I'd have danced on his grave.

I saw a counsellor. She said to read Paul McKenna's How To Mend A Broken Heart.

I got to page 30 and I slept with a 23-year-old!

It's not what it said.

It's what it should have said cos it really bloody worked.

I bought it off Amazon. "Customers who bought this also bought:

"Suicide Isn't Always The Answer."

But it sometimes is.

When I became newly single, a friend bought me a teapot for one. Cow.

She's not my friend any more.

She's not even alive any more.

She's alive - she's just heavily disfigured.

Some kind of teapot-related incident.

I had a New Year's resolution. I decided to start watching my weight.

Watching it doesn't imply it's going to get any less.

It's just like I'm documenting how fat I'm going to get.

My downfall is cakes and puddings. I don't drink a lot or do drugs, but I did have a space cake once.

I just heard the word "cake".

I just found it really dry.

I might not know drugs, but I do know cake. I just think a bit of butter cream wouldn't have gone astray.

It's almost like they hadn't thought about the cake part at all.

There are bits of me I really don't like. I really don't like my legs.

Recently I decided, "Sod it, nobody cares. Just wear a skirt."

On the first day, I got whistled at by a builder. How good is that?

It wasn't so much a wolf whistle as he went... DOG WHISTLE

It's not the same thing at all, is it? Like he would a little dog.

In a moment of stupidity recently, I did toy with getting thigh-high boots.

Fishing for a compliment, I said to my sister, "Where would I get boots to fit my thighs?"

And she said, "Well, trannies must get them from somewhere."

I've been deciding what to keep and what to bin.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with my wedding dress.

Let's get some suggestions from the audience. What about somebody from the top layer?

-Burn it!

-Oh, did you hear that? I'd barely even finished my sentence.

"Burn it!" Are you all right?

Somebody give him a cuddle up there.

"Burn it!" That's a bitter man.

"Put the ex-husband in it and just burn it."

I'm pretty sure that's murder. What about a suggestion from the lovely ladies in the front?

Well, you're conferring. That's good. Tell me.

-Charity shop.

-There's one not far from where Mum and Dad live.

It's always full of pensioners. I love the idea of an old lady buying it for £4 and just twirling.

Lovely. Bless!

Some people suggest that I sell it. Do you think there's much of a market for a second-hand wedding dress?

SHOUTS OF "Yeah!"

Did you hear the fellas? "Yes. Get a cheap one.

"And if we can get the flowers from a graveyard..."

You're a nice, normal audience. I sometimes get weird suggestions.

This guy said to me, totally straight-faced, "I think you should wear it and follow him round in it."

LAUGHTER

I looked at his girlfriend who was sitting beside him as if she was gonna go, "What's he like?"

And she just went...

That's not my favourite. My favourite one I've ever had, somebody said I should wear it on first dates.

"No, I'm not looking for anything serious."

HUMS "Here Comes The Bride"

You've been really nice, but I leave you with one thing.

I've noticed how you can tell as a woman whether or not you're overweight, in the throes of passion,

when your partner picks you up, whether or not he says, "One, two, three," first.

You've been lovely. Thank you very much. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sarah, that was brilliant. Well done. Fantastic.

Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen. We're lovin' the Millican!

Ladies and gentlemen, we're in Manchester.

It's a thriving, major city of the world

and we've invited some of Manchester's finest to join us here tonight.

So how's about a wave from Coronation Street? Where are you?

There they are, ladies and gentlemen.

It's the nation's street!

There she is, Sally Lindsay!

Hello!

Hello.

I'm from London. Never seen it.

We also have... Waterloo Road has many of its cast here.

Hands in the air, come on, guys!

There they are. Kids, kids...

I can see one of you. Are you texting or something? You've got your phone.

Are you having a text?

I don't understand mobile phones

and those options when you leave a message at the end of the message.

It goes, "To listen to your message, press 1. To re-record your message, press 2."

I'm just leaving a message. I'm not cutting an album!

Are people taking it so seriously? "I'll be 15 minutes late, darling. I'll pick up some milk.

"OK, play that one back."

All right, more bass on "milk". We're gonna go again. Hit 2!

-Are you ready for my next guest?

-ALL: Yeah!

Please give all your love to the wonderful, all the way from Oldham, Mick Ferry!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Cigarettes And Alcohol" - Oasis

Well, I am from Oldham, like he said, just down the road there.

If you're wondering where you can smell Cillit Bang from,

that's coming from me.

It's nice being here because if I was back home now, I'd be throwing stones at the moon.

Don't know if anybody's done that. I'm probably the fattest comic that's gonna be on the bill tonight.

So...any other sufferers?

Yeah, well done, mate. There you go. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you're overweight.

LAUGHTER

You're like me. You can't deny it, can you? There's no holding it in any more. You go, "Yeah, I'm fat."

I put weight on about eight years ago and I was looking forward to it

because I genuinely thought that if I became fat,

I'd become bubbly and get a great personality.

All I'd ever heard about fat people is how nice they were.

And I'm not. I'm still miserable, that's the problem.

I just eat chocolate at two in the morning and cry.

Has anybody ever used a cat to polish a telly?

You know the cat's asleep in front of the TV, a bit of dust on your screen?

Pick your cat up and wipe your telly.

I'm not the only one who's done that.

If you've got laminate flooring, you can put your foot on it and drag it like that.

They love it. "Hey, I'm cleaning!"

Just spray 'em up with polish before you do it.

I can't do that now. I've got a dog, a Border collie. He's seven years old.

One of the funniest things I've ever done with him, a couple of years ago... People will hate me for this.

But I got him drunk, right?

I didn't mean to get the dog drunk.

I took him out for a walk, he cut his paw, two stitches, course of antibiotics, 245 quid at the vet's.

Yeah. Amputation, 310.

I didn't, but you think, "He won't cut it again, will he?"

So I thought I'd cheer him up. I put some brandy in his milk.

It's wrong, but the funniest thing I've ever done.

I was drinking myself. You can't get your dog drunk, you've got to drink with them.

They just stare at you going, "Why am I drinking on me own? Gonna take pictures of me to put on Facebook?"

"I'll have a drink with you then."

I put a slug of brandy in. I thought it might make him sleep because he was in pain.

He came in and half an hour later, it kicked in.

He normally doesn't react to anything on TV, but he started trying to howl, but he couldn't.

He was just lying there going, "Whoo-oo...

"Whoo-whoo-whoo...

"Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo."

And I started laughing. I couldn't stop myself. I was laughing so much.

He got angry and wanted to fight me.

"Calm down. You've had a drink. What's wrong with you?"

And then he spent half an hour just texting old girlfriends.

Bizarre.

I've got kids as well and I imagine we've got quite a few parents in.

I've got three children. It starts getting awkward. My eldest, she's 20.

And we... This is hard for me to admit and a lot of men will know what I'm talking about.

She's 20, I'm very proud of the way she's turned out. She's a lovely young woman.

But I'm more interested in sleeping with her friends now, which...

Yeah, it's a bit hard to admit. I shouldn't really be doing it on TV. I've just realised.

But she brings them home some weekends. You try and be nice.

"Are you all right, girls? Are you having a sleepover?"

LAUGHTER

"You what, Dad? We don't do that any more. We're all 20." "All right, just being friendly."

"Stop staring at 'em. You make 'em uncomfortable...

"Put your pants on."

LAUGHTER

The hardest thing with the kids at the minute is this boredom threshold.

Have you noticed how bored... Dead easily, so bored.

It winds me up more than anything.

When I was a kid, seriously, a dead bumblebee, right?

Two weeks that'd give me, fun, two weeks.

I'd know where it was on the street. I'd even have a stick to poke it.

"Dead bumblebee - you wanna have a look at that?

"Touch it, I dare you. Go on, touch it."

"No, my dad said they sting." "Your dad's a liar."

"Your dad touches bin men." "What?"

LAUGHTER

It's a lack of imagination.

My favourite game when I was a kid was to get an old leather football that had burst,

take out the bladder and fill it with broken bricks.

Then you put the football with the broken bricks on a road outside a pub.

LAUGHTER

Cos you knew when a man had beer in him and he saw the football...

"Ohhh! I could have been a professional."

You're at the other end of the street. "Kick the ball back, mister!"

"Right, lads, on your head!" "Yeah, if you can lift it, you prick."

Listen, folks, you've been lovely. I've been Mick Ferry. Good night, God bless, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant. Well done.

Mick Ferry, ladies and gentlemen. Come on!

CHEERING

That was brilliant.

I'm going to chat to some more people cos I've heard that there are people here...

Noddy Holder's there.

-Noddy Holder! Go on, the Holder!

-CHEERING

Looking good.

Looking good.

It must be difficult being Noddy Holder because people hear in their heads the Christmas thing.

LAUGHTER Very true.

-I just look at you and I hear it. But you're not from here. You're not local.

-I'm from the Midlands.

The Midlands. OK, keep it vague. The Midlands!

Your sat-nav must have a nightmare.

"Where in the Midlands, Noddy?"

"Anywhere in the Midlands. It's Christmas!"

LAUGHTER

I tried not to do it, I tried not to do it.

I'm told that Darren Day is here, ladies and gentlemen. It's Darren Day!

APPLAUSE

Darren Day is one of the foremost financial thinkers in this entire country.

He saw the credit crunch coming years ago, investing in gold,

mainly engagement rings, but he is...

LAUGHTER

I remember when I proposed to my wife. I got her a beautiful diamond ring.

Cos girls like rings. That's why we give you rings when we're proposing.

We know that you get hypnotised by the diamond. It's like you turn into Gollum from The Lord Of The Rings.

You see single girls outside jewellers just going, "Soon!"

"Precious shall be mine!"

I got my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved. Yeah.

With the price. I thought that was something she needed to know.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to that time

when I welcome our headline act!

CHEERING

He's fantastic. You're going to absolutely love him. He's one of my favourites. I love this guy.

He's hilarious. He's making a massive name for himself. He's Manchester's own Jason Manford!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Chelsea Dagger" - The Fratellis

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Thank you. Cheers. Thanks a lot.

Good. Nice one.

Thank you. How are you? Michael McIntyre, everyone, how good's he?

APPLAUSE What a legend!

The Apollo, look at this! Is anyone else thinking they've scrubbed it up quite nice?

It looks nice now it's on the telly. When we're usually here, it's a right shithole!

Good work, hard work. A lot of these cameras are not gonna make it back to London. You know that, don't you?

So... Good.

My wife's pregnant at the moment. We're expecting twins in the summer.

And we're all very excited, yeah. She was getting very broody at work.

Five women in a month got pregnant. She was like, "It must be something in the water."

I'm like, "Unless it's sperm, it don't matter, does it?"

There's no correlation there. It's just coincidence really.

No, she's very broody all the time, my wife.

We were trying for kids for ages and after a while, you do think maybe there's something wrong.

We went to the doctor's and it's an embarrassing situation. It's awful, a little bit demeaning sometimes.

Luckily, nothing was wrong, but we went in and met this doctor.

Dr Barron. That's not who you want to meet! "Is there anyone else available? Dr Low Sperm Count?"

She dealt with it fine. She asked my wife a load of questions, then she turned to me.

She says to me, "Right, Mr Manford, how many times on average a week do you masturbate?"

LAUGHTER

HIGH VOICE: Em...

Oh, God, a week, a week... Um...

I've left my diary at home, like...

Like you keep a tally of it, you know what I mean?

She's like, "How many times?" My wife is proper laughing as well. The sweat is pouring down my back.

Em...

I said, "I don't really. I'm too...

"Busy. I'm too busy."

She says, "Come on, we're all adults. How many times a week?"

I said, "Just the average amount. Whatever the national average is, that's me.

"Whatever the neighbours are doing, that's me. Keeping up with the Joneses, that's me."

She said, "What's the average?" "I don't know, you're the expert."

In the end, I just had to guess. I thought, "I'll just go for it." So I just went, "Five?"

That's above the average, right? I don't know if...

The average is 2.5. I don't know who's having half of one. Who's that bloke?

On a Friday. "I think we'll leave it there, folks,

"and pick that up first thing Monday morning."

I'm looking forward to being a dad. I am looking forward to it.

Dads are amazing. They can do stuff nobody's ever taught them,

like changing a plug with a butter knife.

That's in no DIY manual. "Give it here, I'll sort that out at the kitchen table.

"There we are. Is that live...?

"Check that. Is that live?"

And parents are important. They teach you everything.

Dads are less important, I think,

in the sense that most of the stuff they do is just made up.

They've made it up. They're liars, Dads are liars. Nothing serious.

The classic in our house... You might have heard this before.

When the ice cream van comes round, when he plays his music, that means he's got no ice creams left.

And that in our house was a fact.

To the point where you'd see a line of kids outside and you'd go, "Dad, look at them stupid kids out there!

"Are they deaf or summat? Don't they know the truth like me and you?

"Anyway, I'm off to college."

LAUGHTER Right, you know, those lies...

Those lies stayed with you for ever.

My dad told us black puddings lived at the bottom of the garden, they were little animals.

Every morning, he'd catch a few, take their legs off, put them in a pan and have them for breakfast.

That's quite cute at home. Makes you sound a right knobhead at school!

No wonder I got bullied. "What are you doing this weekend, Jase?" "Going black pudding hunting with my dad."

But the worst one my dad did... My brother and I would always fight and my dad was working nights.

One of the rules was you had to be quiet all the way through the day. He'd be fast asleep upstairs.

Me and my brothers, even when we were proper fighting...

It'd still be on mute. It was amazing.

My brother would come running in from playing football and he'd go to the fridge and start drinking milk.

I could see sweat going off his lip on to the milk. That's going on my Ready Brek, I don't need that!

So, as an eight-year-old, I'd hide behind the fridge, jump out and squeeze it in his face dead hard.

That's quite humorous now when we're adults, right?

When you're eight, that is the funniest thing you'll ever see.

Until it starts seeping out of his ears and his nose, then you've gone to a new level.

And he'd be like, "Dad!"

I'd be like, "Shut your mouth. If he wakes up, I will kill you."

Which often made it worse, obviously, you know.

And then that worst sound of my childhood - my dad's foot hitting the floor upstairs.

MAKES THUMPING SOUND

"Ohhhhh...

"Shi-i-i-i-it!"

Obviously, I didn't swear. I was only eight.

"Oh, crikey!" Right, so...

LAUGHTER I read all The Beano, you know.

Then he'd start coming down the stairs like... MAKES THUMPING SOUNDS

He'd make it into the kitchen and he'd go, "Right, what's going on here then?"

Even though dads, they already know. My dad is like something out of CSI Manchester.

"Milk coming out of his ears - all right, I've worked it out."

Like Columbo, he's worked it out in the first five minutes. Like Columbo, he likes to drag it out over an hour.

"What's going on? Huh?" And he'd throw this extra thing in. "Stick your tongues out." "What?"

I don't know if anyone did... "Stick your tongues out." "Why?"

"Cos a liar's tongue turns bright green straight after a lie."

"Does it? I didn't know that."

So my brother, not been lying, tongue straight out... Nice and pink.

Me, who was lying, I'm not falling for this, I'll keep my green tongue in my mouth.

LAUGHTER

"I think I've won this one. Yeah."

There's a couple of dads going, "I'm having that one when I go home." It works a treat.

And we didn't have a phone at home, so he'd drag us up to the phone box to dial this number.

"Hello? Is that Chief Inspector Williams, Greater Manchester Police?

"You'll go to prison."

LAUGHTER

"Prison?

"I'm only eight."

"I don't care. If you're old enough to push milk in your brother's face, you're old enough to go to prison."

It's not a phrase I've heard since, but he swore by it.

"Yeah, he's been bad again." Then the phone would come to me. "Hello!"

HE CRIES LOUDLY

"I'm sorry!"

"It's Chief Inspector Williams here, Greater Manchester Police.

"If you're bad again, I will come round with the van and the dogs

"and take you to Strangeways Prison for 15 years."

"Don't do tha-a-a-at!

"I'm only eight. I wouldn't last in prison."

You wouldn't either, would you? "What are you in for, mate?" "Pushing milk in my brother's face."

And that used to happen every week for about six years to me and both my brothers.

I never realised, but we stopped ringing Chief Inspector Williams shortly after my grandad died.

I just never put two and two together all those years.

Thinking back, he didn't even change his voice. It was just him. He wasn't even acting.

I just believed it so much.

My nana had the exact same voice as the woman who owned the orphanage. I never got to the bottom of that.

But the grandad one, I only worked it out. I've got another little brother now, eight years old, Niall.

My dad rang me up out the blue.

I went, "Hi." He went, "Hiya. Is that Chief Inspector Williams, Greater Manchester Police?"

LAUGHTER

"I will not be part of your lie, old man.

"It ends right here."

Thanks very much, Manchester Apollo. Good night, God bless, bye-bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cheers. Bye-bye!

Well done. Beautiful. Well done. Brilliant.

Jason Manford, come on!

-CHEERING

-We love the man!

Go on, the Manford! Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for all of my guests.

We had Mr Mick Ferry!

CHEERING

The wonderful Sarah Millican!

CHEERING

From Liverpool, the star... John Bishop!

CHEERING

And the absolutely wonderful local boy done good, Jason Manford!

CHEERING

Join me next week on my Comedy Roadshow. Manchester, good night!

Thank you.

Thank you. Bravo!

Thanks for coming. Woo-hoo!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2009

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