Birmingham Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Birmingham welcome

to Michael McIntyre!

APPLAUSE

Hiya! Oh, baby!

Yes! Good evening!

Good evening, one and all!

CHEERING

Oh, the love!

Right!

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my Comedy Roadshow!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Tonight I will be welcoming

the finest acts that the world has to offer,

right here, in my favourite city of them all,

it's Birmingham! Go on, Birmingham!

I've been here a couple of days.

It's been nice. Hasn't it been lovely?

People are talking how nice. It LOOKS very nice.

But it feels very cold.

People have been confused by this.

People are starting to eat outside. It's too early to eat outside!

"It's nice out here, isn't it?"

"It's quite warm when you put your face in it!"

LAUGHTER

Soon we'll have nice weather. Soon it'll happen.

We'll have a few hot days in a row.

We'll have a heatwave or a mini heatwave.

A mini heatwave is one hot day. A heatwave is two hot days.

Then we get carried away. We start competing with other nations.

We think we live in a global paradise.

We forget everything that's gone before.

It said in the paper last year, during a mini heatwave,

it said, "Yesterday, in Hull,

"temperatures reached 82 degrees!

"Whereas in Jamaica, it was only 78!"

Are they seriously implying that Jamaicans are waking up, going,

"Oh, shit, I wish I was in Hull!"

Then we are punished. Every time we have a few hot days,

we're punished by big thunderstorms. Like God has realised his mistake.

"Why did I give them nice weather? Punish them!"

But we like that. We like thunder and lightning. It's exciting.

We get lightning. Then we all start to count. "One, two, three,"

-four...

-MAKES RUMBLING SOUNDS

Five! It's five miles!

"The storm is five miles from here, this destination!"

We feel like we're on a ship on the ocean. "Five miles!"

More lightning! "One, two...

"It's coming!"

You actually want it to come towards you!

You want to be struck by lightning!

How boring is our lives that we get depressed when it moves away?

"It's over. We won't be struck by lightning."

Discussing weather in Birmingham is dangerous,

cos I know you all live in fear of tornado. I know.

I know that tornado could strike at any time in Birmingham.

You have had the occasional tornado

that happens to strike maybe one or two houses at a time.

I remember the tornado. It hit one house, OK?

You had a tornado. It hit just one guy.

It was the end bit on the news. The fun bit. The "news nugget".

"Here's a funny story! A tornado hits one house in Birmingham."

A bloke was standing outside it.

It was the same time as Hurricane Katrina,

a proper wind-based disaster!

He's standing outside. "What about me, eh? What about me?

"The whole world is focusing on America. What about me?

"What about Tornado Terry?" He'd named it himself.

LAUGHTER

I heard that he was trying out a new hairdryer

at the exact moment that the tornado struck.

Can you imagine what that would do to your mind?

"Look, darling, I've just purchased a new Babyliss 500 from Argos.

"They told me it was the most powerful hairdryer

"in the entire world."

"Going to try it out, love?" "I'll try it right now."

"Bloody hell! The roof's gone!

"I'm taking it back! Collection Point B. Get the receipt!"

I'm going to move over here because I do understand

that we have some Birmingham City footballers

-in this vicinity.

-CHEERING

BOOING

It took a moment for people who support other clubs to register.

"Are they really here?" "They are." "Boo!"

Football really brings the best out in people, doesn't it?

You, sir, I believe you play for Birmingham City.

Are you a name that's hard to pronounce?

-It depends.

-Ah. Are you Franck Queudrue?

-Yes.

-Franck Queudrue, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've read your biog, Franck. You are a dead ball specialist.

When the ball is alive, you're useless.

But once the ball is dead...

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"I have to play! Kill ze ball. I'm wonderful!

"Ze ball is moving! I am not functioning! I cannot do it!

"Stop it! I am wonderful again!

"I stipulated in my contract, if ze ball is moving I will not play."

Why am I German?

Why am I German? Are you German? You're French. Ah, bonjour!

When English people don't speak French, you go, "Do you speak French?"

They go, "Un peu."

We've only learnt "un peu". And we know "Ou est la gare?"

Have you hidden the stations from us?

When French people are trying to think of the next word,

they make a noise continuously.

"Je voudrais, uhhhhhhh, poisson.

"Uhhhhh, ou est la gare?

"Uhhhhh."

They're worried they'll be interrupted.

In England we don't do this, we don't go,

"I would like, ahhh! Some toast, ahhhh! And some fish."

Strange breakfast!

That's how you know French people are awake.

The just wake up. "Uhhhhhh".

Sometimes they're hoovering and the hoover isn't plugged in.

They don't know for hours.

"Uhhhhhh."

"Come on! Zis is not picking anything up off the floor!"

Or blow-drying their hair and the fuse is gone. "Uhhhhh.

"Uhhhhh.

"My hair is not getting dry.

"But when I bought this on eBay from the man in Birmingham,

"he said this was the world's most powerful hairdryer!"

Thank you for coming.

I like it when substitutes in football want to get on.

They try to get the manager's attention.

"Pick me!"

"I can play, I can sing, I can dance! Come on!"

Ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready for my first guest of the evening? Yes!

Please welcome one of the finest comedians working in this country.

You'll love him. It's my pleasure to introduce him.

Mr Tom Stade, ladies and gentlemen!

MUSIC: "Back in Black" by AC/DC

Thank you!

AMERICAN ACCENT: Right. Well, good evening.

Woo!

Good to be here. I'd like to start off by saying

that I have been living here in the UK for a little while.

In a little town called Wolverhampton.

SCATTERED CHEERS, CLAPS

Living there has taught me a lot about you English people.

You guys won't pay £10 for NOTHING.

OK? I was in this little place called Bilston, OK?

There was this guy selling meat...

..out of a freakin' van!

And he had a crowd probably just a little bit bigger than this.

He starts freaking everybody out. He's sitting there going,

"What I got here!

"Is that, I got a rump roast!"

"Normally 12.95

"at Tesco's."

And everybody's losing it.

Everybody's just looking at each other, going...

"Shit, he's right. It is 12.95.

HE MOUTHS

Then he goes, "Do you want to know...

"..what I'm gonna do with this rump roast?"

Now I'm losing my mind!

I'm like, "We got a mystery to solve here, Scoob."

"What's he going to do with the rump roast?"

He goes, "I'm gonna put this rump roast...

"..on the scales."

I'm like, "Damn, I never saw that coming, man!"

And then he said this.

And I will never forget this as long as I live.

As long as there's breath in this body, I will never forget this.

Then he goes, "I've got a bag full of faggots!"

Ladies and gentlemen, when he said,

"I've got a bag full of faggots"...

..well, didn't I just die!

I'll guarantee right now I was the only one laughing.

Cos you can't say that where I'm from.

And you especially can't have a bag full!

If somebody came up to me where I'm from

and said, "Tom, I got a bag full of faggots",

I'd go, "You've changed, Gary."

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

And then he held the scale up, like it was the Holy Grail.

And when we were looking at that mountain of meat,

we were all thinking the same thing. I was watching everybody's faces.

We were all just looking at each other, going,

"Just say it's a fiver!"

When he said £10...

..there was anger.

Mixed in with a lot of disappointment.

And that's when I realised

you like your cheap shit here.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Thank you for having me.

WHISTLING AND CHEERING

Tom Stade, ladies and gentlemen!

We love Tom Stade!

Come on, man!

That guy was awesome!

That man told it like it is, man!

He knows you people!

Went to the Bullring. Bullring!

The Bullring is amazing! You must be proud of the Bullring.

It has all these beautiful shops, big brand names.

An amazing shopping experience.

Then you have a bridge

with TK Maxx on it.

LAUGHTER

It's almost like these clothes are in holding

before they reach The Palisades.

Have you been in The Palisades?

One of the scariest experiences of my life!

I got stopped by a policeman who told me to put a hood on!

That's not right!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?

CHEERING

Please give all your love for the wonderful talents

of Mr Steve Hughes!

All right?

Thank you!

The rest of you, relax.

I'm thinking the same thing looking at you people!

You freaks!

Being in England for many years now,

I understand all of you, myself included,

we all have to live under the weird and oppressive regime

of Health and Safety regulations.

It's very strange, isn't it?

Remember in the old days, before Health and Safety?

It was called common sense. Remember?

Many years ago, you'd go, "There's a big deep hole. Will I step in it?

"No. I'll just walk around it like that."

"How did you learn to do that?"

"Well,

"my parents taught me not to be a moron!

"I just carried it on from there."

The Dutch treat you like an adult.

In Amsterdam, they sell pot,

they sell mushrooms, there's trams, buses and cabs.

There's bikes with women with kids strapped to the front.

There's a road next to a canal. Is there a fence?

No!

No fence.

England, there's a big sign, a big fence. "Don't go in the water.

"Don't fall in the water and drown."

Amsterdam. "Is your bike wet?" "Yeah." "You're on the wrong bit."

LAUGHTER

Then we have political correctness, the other side of Health and Safety.

Health and Safety is a small oppression of our physical movements.

We can't do anything without permission from the state.

Political correctness is the oppression of our intellectual movements.

No-one says anything any more in case somebody else gets offended.

"What happens if you say that and someone gets offended?"

Well, they can be offended, can't they?

What's wrong with being offended?

When did "sticks and stones may break my bones" stop being relevant?

Isn't that what you teach children, for God's sake?

"He called me an idiot!" "Don't worry, he's a dick!"

Now you have adults going, "I was offended and I have rights."

So what? Be offended. Nothing happens.

"I want to live in a democracy but I never want to be offended again!"

Well, you're an idiot!

How do you make a law about offending people?

How do you make it an offence to offend people?

Being offended is subjective. It's to do with you as an individual

or collective or society or community,

your moral conditioning, your religious beliefs.

What offends me may not offend you. You want to make laws about it?

I'm offended when I see boy bands, for God's sake!

It's a valid offence. I'm offended.

They're corporate shills posing as musicians

to further a modelling career and I'm disgusted!

But what am I going to do? Call the cops? "Hello. It's me again.

"They're on the telly, this time.

"Five of them. That's it.

"Yeah, white suits, dancing like girls. That's them.

"Five minutes? I'll be out the front, traumatised. Bye."

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Have a good night. Enjoy yourselves.

Steve Hughes, ladies and gentlemen! We love the Hughes.

Glorious!

So we have some more excitement here.

They tell you people who are in the audience.

I'm not sure these people are who they say they are.

But I'm told that members of the cast of The Archers

on Radio 4 are here! Is this true?

These are the people who claim to be them!

LAUGHTER

Put your hand up if you're in The Archers. OK.

-You, sir. What's your name?

-Tom.

-Hello, Tom.

We don't believe you yet.

-Who do you play in The Archers?

-Tom Archer.

Tom Archer?! That's good. That's good.

Cos I've got to be honest with you, I don't know much about The Archers.

Every time I flick past, it's ending. It's ending all the time.

It's not on for long. It's normally the bit going,

"Oi, pass me that wheelbarrow!"

# Di-di-di-di-di-di-di Di-di-di-di-di-di

# Di-di-di-di-di-di-di Di-di-diddly-dee. #

-Do you still have an agricultural consultant?

-Yes.

-Who is he?

Do you call him up and go, "Remind me. Soil, what is that again?"

-He's written a book about grass.

-He's written a book about grass?!

-(SLURS)

-That's a...pretty good read!

A good book is called a page-turner.

This is how people describe good books.

On the back of the book it says, "A real page-turner."

This is the minimum I expect from a book.

"Is that a good book?" "No. Pages don't turn."

"This is more of a block than a book. I wouldn't recommend it."

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?

Yes!

Please give all your love as we welcome

a man I've admired for many years.

An absolutely wonderful comedian, you'll love him too.

Mr Paul Tonkinson!

MUSIC: That's Not My Name by the Ting Tings

Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Are we well, Birmingham? Are we good?

Yes!

BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: All right, Birmingham? You all right?

What can I tell them? I'm married, with kids.

I've got three kids, ten, eight and five. Weird names!

We do OK, me and wifey. The rows! But the rows change.

Rows change. When you move in,

you realise the surrender necessary to be in a relationship.

You're around the house. You're making a sandwich.

You've made sandwiches before that have passed without incident.

You're enjoying yourself. Life's good. She comes up, "What you doing?"

"I'm making a sandwich." She has a look. "You're making a mess."

"It's just a sandwich." "Who's going to tidy that up?"

"I'm going to eat the sandwich, so that won't be there!"

"I'll do it later." She goes, "No, no, no.

"You won't do it later. That's not how I live.

"I've got standards. You won't do it later. You'll do it now.

"You'll tidy up as you go along."

Who came up with this Nazi philosophy?

Where did it come from? "Ve vill tidy up as we go along!

"Any signs of life will be eradicated at source!

"We must tidy up the life signs!"

Even then, that should be the end of the row.

There's another phase to the row.

You've made your sandwich and tidied.

You pass her on the way to the front room and she's stood there. "What?"

"What, you're not making me one?"

"You've just seen me make one. You obviously don't want one."

"But no-one's asked me."

"I'm obviously invisible cos you haven't asked me.

"If that's how you want to live,

"next time I do Sunday roast, I'll assume you don't want any chicken.

"I can live like that. Is that how you want to live?"

"All right. Do you want me to make you a sandwich?"

"No...

"But it's nice to be asked."

Even then, it's up. You've made a sandwich,

you've tidied up, she doesn't want one.

You're there, in the front room,

about to bite into your sandwich that you've lovingly prepared.

You're about to bite into that sandwich.

She goes, "Can I have a bite?"

"You've just said you don't want a sandwich! You said!

"We've been through this." "No, I don't want a sandwich.

"I just want some of YOUR sandwich!

"I just want some of you every day."

You see him five years later in a documentary. Some bloke saying,

"I bludgeoned her to death!

"She wanted a bit of my sandwich. I just cracked.

"The hammer was at hand.

"And then I chopped her up and tidied up as I went along."

You've been a fantastic audience.

Good night. God bless. Take care, Birmingham!

Paul Tonkinson, ladies and gentlemen!

Nice. I never really thought about the boxes.

How come you got in the boxes?

All I know is that they said the Deputy Lord Mayor was here.

I'm assuming it's you.

I've narrowed it down to one bald man.

Please tell me I'm not wrong.

-Deputy Lord Mayor?

-Yes, my man.

-How are you?

-I'm very well, thank you.

A round of applause for your Deputy Lord Mayor.

A lovely round of applause, tinged with disappointment

that the actual mayor couldn't make it!

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our final headlining act?

CHEERING

You are going to absolutely love her.

She's making a name for herself. Here's why.

Please welcome Miss Shappi Khorsandi!

MUSIC: "Womaniser" by Britney Spears

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello!

-Hello!

I'm Shappi and I'm a female Iranian stand-up comedian.

The other comics backstage call me "the box-ticker".

Tell you what, if you ever want a real laugh, travel to America

with an Iranian passport.

If you haven't got one, I'll give you one of mine. I've got loads!

I was checking in at Los Angeles Airport

and at first they were lovely.

They were like, "Oh, my God, I love her accent!

"Oh, my gosh! She's from I-ran.

"Search the bitch!"

I said, "Jeez, you guys are so harsh here at I-mmigration!"

I went to this quite twee primary school

but I went to a big London comprehensive school

for my teenage high school years.

It was the sort of school

where I couldn't get eye contact with the popular girls, the in-crowd,

because they'd be like, "What? What you looking at? What?"

I'm not being racist, but they were always the white girls.

They said they weren't my friends. They thought I was "a posh snob".

"You're a snob."

I'd say to them, "Look, I'm not a posh snob. I'm no different to you.

"I'm an outsider as well. My parents are first-generation immigrants.

"They can't read or write English. Just like yours!"

Someone asked me the other day if I speak Arabic.

Iranians aren't Arab, and a lot of people think we are.

Arabic sounds like this... SPEAKS ARABIC

Farsi, Persian, sounds like this... SPEAKS FARSI

Completely different (!)

They're both very passionate languages.

That sometimes comes across as aggression.

I've has to tell my friends when they hear me talking to my family...

SPEAKS FARSI ANIMATEDLY

..what I'm actually saying is, "Oh, my God! You look fabulous!

"Loving the necklace!"

I never wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to be a doctor.

My parents pushed me into this.

They were like, "Only Western whores become doctors!"

When I was a really little kid, I wanted to be a horse.

Cos if you're a real horse, you can do a big poo in the street

and everyone just gathers around you going, "Isn't she magnificent!"

This is very show-biz. My mum is very proud of what I do.

I took her to a show-biz party.

I was so excited. I introduced her to Lenny Henry.

I pretended I knew him. I introduced her to Lenny Henry.

She was so excited, my mum.

She was chatting to him, and he was going, "Ah-ah-ah!"

They were getting on really well until my mum called him Ainsley.

That's just an example of accidental racism

that can happen to any of us.

Racism's like chlamydia. We've all had a dose, but don't admit to it!

I try to be so politically correct.

I was talking to a Chinese man recently.

I nearly said Chinaman.

You can't say Chinaman. It sounds too colonial.

"I met a Chinaman. Jolly good fellow! Shot him in the eye!"

And I said, "So, what's your name?"

And he said, "Comitaw".

I did that very PC thing of repeating his name

and adding a Chinese accent to it

to show that I cared very much about the correct pronunciation.

I said, "I see. Comi-TAW".

And he went, "No, no. Call me Tom."

I've been Shappi Khorsandi. You've been wonderful. Thank you!

CHEERING

Wondrous!

Well done. Shappi Khorsandi, ladies and gentlemen. Fantastic.

Feel the love in the room

for Shappi Khorsandi!

Ladies and gentlemen, please thank all my guests.

We had the wonderful Tom Stade!

Steve Hughes. Wasn't he marvellous?

Paul Tonkinson was here!

And the wonderful, fantastic Shappi Khorsandi!

Join me next week on my Comedy Roadshow!

Thank you very much! Goodnight! Bravo!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd