Belfast Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a big Belfast welcome to Michael McIntyre!

APPLAUSE

Good evening!

Hello! Woah!

Thank you!

Thank you all!

Good evening and welcome...

to my comedy roadshow!

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

I will be welcoming

some of the finest stand-up comedians known to man,

right here in my favourite city of them all. It's Belfast!

I'm beginning to get au fait with the accent.

My first experience of this was getting off the plane,

there was a bloke in front of me

and he said "Where are our bags?"

In your mother tongue.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"Where are our bags?"

LAUGHTER

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"Where are our bags?"

I have to say, it depends how you say it.

There's something about the accent

that it does tend to sound a little bit down-beat.

I mean, when I think of an Irish accent, it sounds very jovial.

-SOUTHERN IRISH ACCENT:

-"Everything's fabulous!"

Even if it isn't fabulous, it sounds fabulous.

"Oh, the house burned down, everything's gone!

"I've lost everything! I've got no insurance, I'm suicidal!"

Just moments over the border...

-MONOTONE:

-"I'm absolutely ecstatic."

"I've never been happier in my entire life.

"I'm on cloud nine."

It's been a pretty good year. We've got Barack Obama in the White House.

CROWD CHEERS

Hasn't he done well? I mean, hasn't he done well?

Not just overcoming the colour of his skin

to become the leader of the free world,

but also, his name.

You couldn't ask for a worse name to try to become

the President of the United States of America.

His name is Barack Hussein Obama.

"Barack" sounds like "Iraq", "Hussein",

Saddam Hussein, "Obama", Osama.

You couldn't create a worse name!

Do you think there are young British black people saying,

"Maybe I could be Prime Minister of this country. Look at Barack.

"Do you think I can do it?"

"I'm not so sure, Adolph Mugabe Fritzl."

I've been told that there's a footballing legend in our ranks.

Gerry Armstrong!

There he is!

Footballing legend.

Feel the love in the room for Gerry Armstrong!

-How are you, Gerry?

-Good.

-I like football.

I know I don't look

or sound like the kind of person who goes to the football.

-IN CLASSICAL SINGING VOICE:

-# You're not singing any more! #

I went to the football, I supported my team.

I don't want to bring up my team because it makes people not like me.

But they separate the fans.

So I was with my fans, and there was a bloke from the other team

and he was sitting with us.

And he stood up and he just went,

"COME ON THEN! WHO WANTS SOME?"

He had no teeth. And a face covered in tattoos, all right?

Which confirmed his allegiance was not with our team.

And he just went, "Come on! One of you must want some!"

And I think, in unison, about 39,000 people, just went,

"I don't want some. Do you want some? I'm not sure.

"Does anybody on the row, do you want some?"

"No, I don't want some at all! Have you seen this man? I don't want any!"

People started complaining.

"There's a man over there with tattoos and no teeth.

"He wants some. Will you tell him to go?"

"What am I going to do? Throw my bib on his head? He's scaring me!"

And he kept saying, "One of you must want it!

"Who wants some?"

It was absolutely terrifying.

And after about ten minutes, this bloke just stood up and went,

"I'll have some!"

And we were all relieved.

There was a moment, "Oh, thank God. A hero in our ranks."

And people were standing up for him, "Good luck, good luck."

And he's walking along thinking, "I'll soon give him some.

"I'll take him down."

"Good luck, good luck." "All right."

"I'll soon have him! I'll soon have him!"

"Excuse me, mate." "YES?"

"DO YOU WANT SOME?"

"I'll have some!"

They still didn't know for sure

they were fighting. I didn't know if he was just offering him biscuits.

"Do you want some?" "I'll have one! I'm on a diet."

And then the bloke with the tattoos and no teeth, he went, "Me!

"And you!

"Outside!

"ME!

"And YOU!"

I think you could see

a flicker in his eyes that said, "I've made a mistake."

But he carried on, he went,

"Yeah! Cos I'll soon have you!

"Me and you!"

I was itching to go over and go,

"Sorry to interrupt, but you're sort of pointing at the wrong person.

"And it's 'You and I'. As you were."

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for

my first guest of my comedy roadshow?

Please give your love to a very talented man.

I've been a fan of his for years, you're going to love him!

Mr Jeff Green, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you very much. Thank you.

That's very nice, thanks. I'll just move Posh Spice out the way,

then we'll crack on with the show.

Put it over there and no singing!

It's nice to be here, back in Belfast.

Actually, for the first time as a married man.

I'm married, ladies. Yes, apologies.

Well, I was a bit anxious, because in Britain,

two out of three marriages end in divorce.

The other one ends in murder, apparently. Which is a bit scary.

But it's very nice to be married.

I had a nice proposal. I went down on one knee.

Not for any romantic reasons. My wife's only 3 foot 6.

You can't tell

how tall they are when you buy them off the internet, can you, really?

"I thought you'd be taller than this, to be honest, love.

"I didn't realise your photo was actual size."

It was a lovely wedding.

"Do you take this Oompa Loompa...?" "Yes, yes I do."

It doesn't matter how attractive or beautiful your partner is,

it's whether they make you laugh.

My wife fell off the bus the other day, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely hilarious.

She said, "Why didn't you catch me?"

"It's difficult to catch you and piss myself laughing

"at the same time.

"But I feel your act of public humiliation

"has made the relationship stronger."

I am married, but I'm not very romantic. My line in the sand,

ladies and gentlemen, is the candles and the massage.

I'm not into candles and massage.

I just find it a bit fussy.

It's always with essential oils, isn't it?

My wife goes to me, "You're tense, Jeff."

I go, "Yeah, because I'm covered in oil, next to a bloody candle.

"Of course I'm tense.

"Of course I'm tense.

"I'm twitchy, that's what I am, love.

"Once false move, I'll go up like a wicker man."

That's hardly romantic, is it?

"What happened to your husband?" "Oh, him? He was incinerated.

"But he left a lovely smell of ylang-ylang."

And although we've just been married, we've actually been together ten years, me and my wife.

And it is difficult when you've been together a long time.

Difficult to keep the mystery going.

Of course, in the bedroom, you know. I don't know if men know this,

but women like you to get undressed in a certain order.

Did you know that? Your shoes and your socks first.

To be alluring.

Then your trousers. Then your shirt, then your pants, I think.

Basically, if you're down to your socks and vest, you've made a mistake.

If you're down to socks, vest, snorkel, big mistake.

"Come back, love. You know you want to."

Because, women, you can do things out of sync, can't you?

You can do your bra before your T-shirt.

On holiday you go, fiddle-de-dee, fiddle-de-do, fwa-ha!

And as a bloke you're like that, "Oh, well done!

"You've defied the laws of physics."

Where do you learn that? Where do you learn that, ladies?

I always imagine it's in school. Is it in school?

In the secret lesson. You know, the secret lesson

where they say, "All right, boys. We'll talk about rubella now.

"Nothing for you. Out the class, please."

And all the boys are sent out the class and they go, "Thank you, lads. Off you go, yes.

"All right, girls. What you do is, you go fiddle-de-dee, fiddle-de-doo, fwa-ha!

"They bloody love it."

Is it the same lesson where you learn how to put a towel on your head after you've washed your hair?

I do believe it is.

"OK, ladies. Three twists. Throw it back. Ha-ha!"

That's going nowhere, isn't it? It goes nowhere.

Of course, the ladies don't know this, the boys are sent to another class.

A little private class for ourselves. The teacher goes,

"All right, lads, you drink three glasses of wine really quickly,

then say, "I thought you were driving home."

"OK, boys, if you go to the bathroom and you can't take the remote control with you, take the batteries out.

"All together now, gentlemen. Push your genitals between your legs and go, 'Look love, I'm a girl.'"

That's enough from me. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It has been a pleasure talking to you, thank you!

Marvellous!

Jeff Green, ladies and gentlemen! Brilliant, brilliant.

There you go, Jeff Green!

Come on!

This night's really starting to cook, man!

It's lovely to be here, amongst some exciting people.

I'm not going to dwell too much on it, because she is one of my favourite people on television.

She's gorgeous, she's fantastic.

She makes every day, Monday to Friday, an event in my house.

It's Christine Bleakley, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How wonderful! Thank you for coming!

Christine Bleakley!

I have been on the show. It is an extraordinary mix

of quite nice, jovial, humourous chat, and very serious issues.

What I do object to, if you don't mind, is how you always ask the guest to comment on the issues.

I mean, I saw Andrew Lloyd Webber talk about knife crime, it's not right.

Ladies and gentlemen, Christine Bleakley!

# One! Do-do-do-do-do

# One! One! #

-Are you ready for my next guest?

-CROWD CHEERS

Please welcome a fantastically funny man, one of my favourite comedians,

give all your love to Mr Neil Delamere!

Hello, hello. Nice to be back in Northern Ireland, ladies and gentlemen.

Slightly more threatening than the Republic of Ireland.

Even the road signs. There's a road sign halfway down a hill in Newry.

It just says, "Try your brakes."

The only place I've ever been arrested was Northern Ireland.

I was arrested for speeding.

I was brought into the police station and the custody sergeant said,

"You've been driving over the speed limit. Have you anything to say?"

I said, "No." He goes "Go on! Say something, go on!

"You say something, the arresting officer, Tony,

"has to read it out in court! Go on! He's thick as a plank, use a long word! Go on!"

I should have done this. "You've been charged for driving in excess of the speed limit.

"Have you anything to say?"

"Nothing. However, I, Constable Tony Jackson, have an admission to make.

"Sometimes, late at night, I touch myself thinking of you, your honour."

Because he would have to go into court,

and go, "The defendant said, 'Nothing. However. I, Constable Tony Jackson...

"'..have an admission to make...'"

I don't drive that much any more, or fly.

I've been banned from Ryanair.

I think I have. I did a gig with Michael O'Leary, head of Ryanair.

It's true, it's called the Midlands Gateway Awards. And they said to me,

"Here's his introduction, you're the MC.

"He's the keynote speaker, he's worth half a billion euros, he's doing this gig for free,

"please don't mess with his introduction."

HE LAUGHS

"In 1987, Ryanair ferried 5,000 passengers across Europe,

"in 2007, they carried 20 million passengers across Europe."

Everybody went, "Oooh."

"Of this 20 million, 10 million got to the country they'd originally booked for...

"..and some got their bags back.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Michael O'Leary!"

And he goes, "Raaarggh!" He's looking like a penguin

who's been interfered with at this point

He walks up to the lectern, "Rrr!"

Because he's a penguin, not because he's been interfered with.

"I'm here in my home town, people won't even talk to me and this little bastard is having a go at me."

Called me a little bastard!

Meanwhile, I'm sitting there writing down every single Ryanair joke I can think of.

"Keep going, Michael, keep going."

He finishes, I get up. "Right, Michael, watch this for a 25-minute turnaround."

Then I folded up a paper aeroplane. This is my proudest moment of a long time.

I said, "I'd like to symbolically represent a Ryanair flight now, ladies and gentlemen.

"This isn't massively symbolic of a Ryanair plane, this is quite sturdy.

"And if you just imagine, that corner over there is the country you want to go to. Just imagine."

And I just turned and just flicked it.

In the opposite direction.

At this point, he's not laughing.

I thought "In for a penny, in for a pound."

Which, ironically, is a Ryanair fare to Stansted.

I said, "I like you." He said, "Really?" I said, "Yeah."

"When you open a new route, you dress in the costume for that route for PR purposes.

"In Rome, you dressed as a Cardinal, in Munich you dressed in Lederhosen.

"I hope you never fly to Thailand."

"The idea of you firing ping-pong balls out of your Westmead hole fills me with dread."

Sucky-sucky, 10. But with taxes and charges, 150 euros.

He still wasn't laughing and I thought,

"Keep going, keep going. You'll never get this opportunity again."

So I said, "You've got kids, I can't figure that out.

"I just can't imagine you spoon-feeding a toddler."

"Spoon-feeding a toddler?" "Yeah, just you going...

HE MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES

"Here comes the plane!"

HE MAKES AEROPLANE NOISES

"Here comes the plane, here comes the plane!

"But you haven't paid for priority boarding."

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure. Enjoy your night, bye-bye.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Neil Delamere, ladies and gentlemen!

We love Neil Delamere!

I understand that Dame Mary Peters is here tonight with us.

Where would she be?

Dame Mary! How are you?

Look at that, ladies and gentlemen! A hero!

CHEERING

Good evening, hello!

You won Olympic gold.

Are you with this gentleman over here?

Because he loves that you won gold.

I said she won gold, he went, "She did, she bloody did!

"Every day I'm reminded of it!"

Your event was the pentathlon.

Can you just remind me what that entails?

Hurdles, high-jump...

Hurdles! Very good in life, if you want to jump over things. Brilliant.

-High-jump.

-Excellent, if you want to vault,

there could be some vaulting, some railings, you're awesome at that!

Long jump.

Long jump, very good. If there's a waterway, you can leap over it!

Shot put.

Shot put, does that come in useful?

In Belfast, yes!

"In Belfast, yes"?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't even know why you're applauding that!

Pssssht!

"Hold on, I got it!" Pssssht!

"Don't try that with me around! I'm a gold medallist!

"Run for it! Keep up you bastards!"

Pleased to have you here. Dame Mary, ladies and gentlemen! What do you know?

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the next guest of the evening?

Please, welcome to the stage the wonderful Kerry Godliman!

Hello!

It's very nice. Are you all having a drink because it's the weekend?

I don't drink. I don't drink, unfortunately, I used to go to AA meetings.

Which is a bit awkward to bring up at a comedy event.

But just to reassure you, the group I used to belong to was called

Anonymous Alcoholics, and we'd just meet down the local pub

and just get utterly shit faced,

and not tell each other our names.

So, the credit crunch. That's dragging on.

The phrase "credit crunch" is getting a bit laboured now. I'm getting bored of it.

Everyone's blaming everything on the credit crunch.

"Weather's shit. Credit crunch. Car won't start. Credit crunch.

"I've got Chlamydia now. Credit crunch."

You can't blame everything on it, really.

You've got to rein that in. And this is the thing.

You don't know where you are.

People use phrases and expressions.

This is the culture we live in, a bit of bullshit culture.

I saw an advert recently for a five-door car,

and when I got down to the showroom it turned out to be a four-door car with a boot.

You can't go around changing the name of things! That's not reasonable,

where do you draw the line with that scale of bullshit?

What, then, is the petrol flap?

Is that a fairy door?

Because if they said that... I'd get one.

I'd be so excited. It's got a door for fairies!

Does it come in yellow?

I'd be over the moon.

So, yes.

I had a baby. Last year I had a baby. It's weird when people clap that.

APPLAUSE That's nice! But it's just procreation.

People want to talk to you quite a lot about it, that's what I've found.

Especially old ladies, they love to talk about it.

Old ladies at bus stops will just come up to you, see you're pregnant and go, "Aw!"

"Oh, is it your first? Are you excited?"

This is what you get asked all the time.

"Are you excited? Is it your first? Are you excited?"

And I say, well, "Sometimes I'm excited.

"But I can't sustain it because it's an emotion, it's transient.

"Sometimes I've got a choking, suffocating sensation that I've made a mistake.

"No, don't go away, come back."

But they don't want to have that conversation, old ladies at bus stops.

They want to play the guess the gender game, that's their favourite game.

They love that game.

It's amazing that a game with a 50/50 outcome can evoke such speculation from old women.

But they do really love that game. It's amazing. They're like,

"Do you know what you're going to have?" I said, "No." They said, "I'll tell you.

"Your bump, it's high.

"As opposed to low.

"And it was the same with Maud.

"And I saw two magpies last Thursday.

"And I've got a mate called Roy.

"So you're going to have a boy."

I said, "Back off, witch. You haven't got a clue."

I had a girl. This is how assured they are about these things.

This is annoying. Friends of mine who haven't got kids but have got a dog and think it's the same.

I was chatting to a friend of mine. My daughter's very mobile, she can really move now.

I was thinking of getting one of those...cages.

Playpen.

And I thought, "That's a bit cruel."

So I was chatting to my friend about it, and he said, "What we do with Edward..."

That's his dog! He said, "What we do with Edward is we put him in a kennel with a chain."

I said, "That seems extreme." He's like,

"Don't blame me when she shits under the sofa and bites through electric wiring."

You've been an absolute delight! Look forward to the rest of your weekend, goodnight!

Kerry Godliman! Come on, let's have some love!

Wondrous!

I've got photos on my phone, I got

one of those camera-phone phones. You take photos like that now.

Like that.

Back in the day, this is where the camera was.

Now it's like, "Oooh, yes.

"This camera's nowhere near my face any more!"

I've got a phone that I don't know how to use as a phone, it's more of a camera.

I keep taking photos of my ear when I pick up the phone.

I've took about 38 pictures of my ear, and even a movie of my ear,

then my face going, "How do you work it?"

Then my ear, then my face going "I can't get it to work!"

Then my ear again.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest of the evening?

Ride that wave of excitement

as I bring a true hero. I've been working with him quite recently,

he's a fantastically talented and funny man. And we're right here, in his home.

And it's an absolute pleasure to welcome to the stage,

ladies and gentlemen, please, Mr Patrick Kielty.

MUSIC: "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" by Beyonce

# All the single ladies All the single ladies

# All the singles ladies All the single ladies

# All the single ladies All the single ladies

# All the single ladies...#

Maybe not all the single ladies. Um...

So, it's nice to be back in Northern Ireland. Now that you're up to your old tricks again.

We were doing so well! Then we had to ruin it. We were like George Best with a new liver, weren't we?

And people in England say to me...

ENGLISH ACCENT: "Paddy, what's going on?

"That's weird because it was fine for a while, and now they've gone back to it.

"Can you explain it?"

And it's kind of weird when you have to explain what's going on,

and your first statement is, "Well, you see, The Real IRA...

"they're not the REAL IRA!"

ENGLISH ACCENT: "What? But they call themselves..."

"That's right, they CALL themselves The Real IRA, but they're not the real IRA, because,

"you see, the REAL IRA, they're the government."

It's... It is tricky, isn't it?

And that's the problem. The problem is that now we've actually done some stuff again,

we've lost our moral superiority. Have you noticed that?

We can't look at trouble spots around the world and look down our noses.

For a while we could do that. My mum was watching what happened in Gaza and she was like,

"Israel and Palestine, honest to God. They're animals."

That's another one for Barack Obama to sort out on his Facebook page.

"America and South Korea are now friends."

"China likes this."

"Hezbollah has poked Israel."

"Would you like to poke Hezbollah back?

"Osama Bin Laden has tagged you in an album."

"Jihad 2007."

America and Pakistan have gone from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated".

The world is skint. Britain and Ireland, we're the worst.

Britain is the tramp at the bank Link machine with the cup.

Ireland, we're the dog on the string. That's how skint we are.

It's so bad! Every man, woman and child in the country might as well have just married Heather Mills.

That's how much we're in debt.

At least we know, folks, that it's not our fault.

No, no. It's these sub-prime bastards.

I was trying to think who they were the other night,

as I sat on my DFS sofa that I haven't paid off for three years,

looking at my 54-inch plasma television on interest-free credit,

in my Cashmere hoodie and my Abercrombie and Fitch tracksuit bottoms

that I've not paid off on my store card, and I thought, "Who are these sub-prime bastards?"

It's us! We are sub-prime. It's like Spartacus meets Ocean Finance.

Nobody wants to admit, do we? "I'm not sub-prime."

"I'm not sub-prime!" "I'm not sub-prime."

You are, IT'S US!

Gordon Brown wants you to believe it's no-one's fault. It's a virus! It just started!

He wants you to believe it's like the spread of AIDS in the 1980s.

"Oh, it happened out in America.

"It was an underground movement when nice white bankers decided to lend poor black people money!

"And they caught the sub-prime virus. They then had unprotected banking with non-sub-prime people,

"And the virus spread."

Before you knew it, we were all having unprotected banking while Frankie Goes To Hollywood sang,

"Relax, don't do it, if you want a loan."

What a crock of shit that is!

What's next? "The sub-prime virus began in Africa, when monkeys had sex with bankers.

"And gave birth to estate agents."

Folks, you've been great, I've been Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much, goodnight, thank you!

Patrick Kielty, ladies and gentlemen!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for everyone we've seen tonight. Neil Delamere!

Kerry Godliman!

The wonderful Jeff Green!

And your very own Paddy Kielty!

Thank you very much, good night!

Thank you! Woo hoo!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd