Brighton Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a big Brighton welcome to Michael McIntyre!

Hello!

Whoo!

Marvellous! Good evening!

And welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!

Tonight I'll be introducing you to some of the finest stand-up comedians the world has to offer,

right here in my favourite place of them all - it's Brighton!

This is Brighton AND Hove, actually. Is that right?

ALL: Yes!

You know you've got the Sea Life centre and Harry Ramsden next to each other? I love that.

Is the brochure from the Sea Life centre the menu from Harry Ramsden? Is that how it works?

It's lovely to have a holiday. People start thinking about them.

"Going to go anywhere nice?"

"Going to go anywhere nice?"

Kind of a stupid question. "I'm going to lock myself in the loo(!) Of course I'm going somewhere nice!"

We like to go away for two weeks. That's standard. Two weeks.

But we don't really want to.

We come back after two weeks and say, "The weather was good, the hotel was lovely."

"How long did you go for?" "Two weeks." Ten days would have been enough.

After ten days, you just want to get back to your shit life.

Don't you?

It's very difficult to book a holiday because everything is reviewed on the internet,

which leads to huge problems when you're making any purchase,

especially a major one, like a holiday.

Toasters are reviewed on Amazon.

Who are these people?

You want to buy a toaster, you go online and start reading reviews.

Who in their right mind goes, "I better review the toaster"?

"Settings 2-6 are an embarrassment.

"What kind of a pop do you call that? I couldn't grab it!

"I had to risk my life and do it with a knife."

It's a fun moment when you think, "I've heard rumours of death if you try this, but I'll do it!"

The problem with booking a holiday is a website called tripadvisor.

If you've been near it, you'll know what I'm talking about.

It reviews every single hotel in the world, which is good, I suppose,

except it means every hotel in the world has received at least one terrible review!

And it's only those reviews you believe, which makes it very difficult to decide to go anywhere.

Who in their right mind is writing these reviews? Who goes on holiday,

comes home, unpacks and goes, "Right. Now for the review"?

"I felt the towels were very coarse on my skin. Not what you'd expect from a four-star establishment,

"so I've given it three stars after much deliberation.

"Two ice cubes in a Diet Coke? UNACCEPTABLE!" In capitals!

And you read these and take them seriously. "I don't know. The Diet Coke sounds really bad.

"The towels might scratch. Should we go to this place?"

And then you find one you like, it looks amazing, five-star reviews.

"Paradise!" "Heaven!" "Best hotel you'll ever stay in!"

"The most miraculous two weeks of our lives.

"We were picked up from the airport on a unicorn.

"It flew us to our destination which was so wonderfully beautiful.

"The fish would just come up and sacrifice themselves on the plate.

"The Kids' Club was so good we left two of our children.

"It's a better life for them. They're happier there."

And you sit at home and think, "This is the one we should go to! Everybody loves this hotel!"

But you keep searching and you'll find it - page 36, one star. "The waiter slapped my wife's face!" Ha!

They've got slapping waiters! We can't go there! You'll be slapped all day!

Anyway, you finally make a decision. We went on holiday, it was nice.

Trying to park at the airport is very stressful.

Not if you do things according to plan,

but men like to think we've got things covered. Like remembering where the car is parked.

You park in a zone and row. The zone is alphabet and the row is numbers.

And we're parked in C3. And I thought, "I'll never forget that."

Because of C-3PO.

It's Star Wars.

My wife said, "Are you going to write that down?" "I will never forget C-3PO!

"I've got it in my mind!" Two weeks later.

"Where did we park?" "R2?"

"No...D2!

"Is there an X wing? I can't remember." So we lost the car.

But we went to the airport. My wife hates flying.

It doesn't help calling it the terminal. Who wants to hear that?!

Terminal 2? Death Gate 4!

Then you go shopping. They have huge TVs in Duty Free.

Who is buying these televisions?!

People buy them and go, "Shit! I've got to take that to Corfu!"

So we had a holiday, it was really lovely. We went half-board.

Something you do to get a cheaper holiday. You sacrifice a meal in the day.

You start to convince yourself that you don't need lunch.

Despite living most of your life with lunch in the middle of the day,

you decide, "To get a lower price, let's not have lunch.

"We're never hungry when we're hot." You start lying to yourself.

What it means is you spend two weeks stealing from breakfast to get you through the day.

You're sitting at breakfast, you've travelled across the whole world,

you've spent unbelievable sums

and you're going, "Is the waiter looking? No. Grab croissants!

"OK, go! Hello. See you later! Hello. Yes, goodbye!"

Every day my children go, "I'm hungry. What's for lunch?" "Hot yoghurt and pain au chocolat."

On the last day, the waiter caught us, came over, slapped my wife in the face! Couldn't believe it.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my first guest?

LOUD ROAR OF APPLAUSE

Please give all your love to one of, if not the favourite comedian of mine on the circuit -

Mr Micky Flanagan!

Ah.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening, everybody.

CHEERING

It's very nice to be here.

I come from the East End of London. I messed up my education...

cos they left the gate open.

I went to a tough inner-city comp with low expectations.

In the third year, the careers officer turned up and asked us what we'd like to do with our lives.

The most ambitious kid in the class is Gary Hutton... cos he wants to drive a van.

We erupted. "You dreamer, Hutton!"

LAUGHTER

"You is never gonna drive a van.

"No kid from this school has ever...

"gone on to drive a van.

"Come on, Hutton.

"You know why this school is here.

"It's here to produce the people

"who carry the stuff TO the van."

Seems like a long time ago, my school memories.

I'm in my 40s now, getting tired, I don't go out much any more.

If I queue up to get into a nightclub and the bouncer says, "You can't come in,"

I just look at him and say, "Oh, thanks, mate.

"My feet are absolutely killing me, they are.

Can't actually remember the last time I ended up "out" out. You know what I mean?

In the UK, we drink so much, we have different levels of being out.

I'll talk you through 'em.

You pop out to go to the shops

and bump into a friend who says, "Shall we have a quick drink?"

"Yeah. Only a quick one, though, cos I'm very busy."

Three hours later, you're still in the pub.

Then the evening people come in.

They're going out properly.

These people are going what we like to call "out" out.

The "out" out people come up to you and go, "You gonna come out with us?"

And you go, "I can't come 'out' out.

"I didn't even come out.

"I only popped out."

The "out" out people don't want to hear this. They look at you.

"Look, you popped out, you've ended up out...

"you may as well come 'out' out."

If you've got just the right amount of alcohol in your system,

you look at them and go, "Know what?

"I'm coming 'out' out."

Five hours later, you're in some horrendous nightclub.

Sinatra's or Cinderella's, some hell hole.

You're drunk now and you feel you've got a crazy story for everybody

and you walk up to people and go,

"Do you know what?

"I didn't even come out.

"I only popped out. Now look at me!

"I'm 'out' out!"

The reason you feel so compelled to keep telling them this rather long-winded story...

..is cos you're standing there in your carpet slippers.

With a pint of milk and a cut loaf.

People of Brighton, you've been lovely. Enjoy the rest of the show.

Thank you very much for listening.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Micky Flanagan!

We love Micky Flanagan!

Wonderful!

Well, what do you know?

Young people. Student people.

I remember being a student.

I'd watch Countdown every day and then play it with my flatmate.

We'd play Countdown.

You know you're a student when you go, "Let's play against each other."

And Countdown is so difficult.

You watch it. Doo-doo, doo-doo, do-doo-de-doo, boom!

Two.

What did you get? "Three. Yeah, baby!"

Three? That's good for you. What's your three? "Bee."

Bee! Oh, there's another E! I've got "be". As in, "I will BE here."

You're doing good today!

Then once I taped Countdown and he came in and I said, "Can we play Countdown? It's on."

But I'd taped it. I'd watched it.

So I started to get fives and sixes.

He was going, "You're amazing!" Yes, I am. What's happened to me?

I had a smoothie at lunch. My mind is on fire!

And then when it came to the conundrum, I got it before it was revealed.

They said, "And now for today's Countdown Conundrum." And I went, "Repugnant!"

"Bloody hell!" I know! I'm a genius now.

Are you ready for our next guest, ladies and gentlemen?

Please welcome a fine comedian, one of my favourites indeed.

It's the wondrous Miss Jo Caulfield!

Thank you. Very lovely, Brighton.

It's not all lovely, though, is it?

I've been down West Street on Saturday night.

This afternoon I went over to the Churchill Centre.

Cos it's not all vegetarian shoes and wind chimes, is it?

I was looking around at the people in there.

This is weird. Everyone's dressed for the gym, but no one's going.

They're all covered in Nike, Adidas, Kappa. It's ironic, isn't it,

that the more words people have written on their clothing,

the less they can actually read.

But, to be honest, recently I've been having trouble sleeping so I did go to the doctor

and she said the thing they always say - 4 or 5 hours before you go to bed, drink no more tea or coffee.

Then she goes, "The best thing is to have a relaxing glass of wine."

How nice is that for a doctor? So that's what I've been doing.

Every night, before bed, I have a glass of wine.

It's not always easy, because sometimes I'm already very drunk.

I love going for a drink, but what I hate is the organising, the organising your friends.

There's always people who have got difficulties. Like my friend Katie.

She's got two beautiful children.

She's also got one really, really ugly one.

No, honest to God, if Wayne Rooney shagged the ginger one from Girls Aloud, that's this child.

Yeah.

Sometimes I do go, "Could you just turn her round? Thanks."

So let me ask tonight, Brighton, do we have people in love here tonight? People in love?

WHOOPS AND CHEERS

A few WOMEN...

Let me ask another question. Make some noise if you're married or in a relationship?

CHEERING

Wow.

That's really quite a lot more than said they were in love.

That is very sad.

I'm with the second lot.

There is nothing more annoying than the newly-in-love couple, is there?

They are so annoying. My friend has been single a long time.

Now she's met someone "special", so I'm pleased for her.

It's difficult to meet people, especially as you get older.

She had to go to salsa classes and learn skills she had no interest in.

But now she's met this guy, she will not shut up about it.

This is one annoying thing she said:

"Jo, do you know sometimes when we're in bed and he's asleep,

"I will sit up just to watch him sleeping."

LAUGHTER

Yeah, thank you. How scary is that? You wake up, she's staring at you.

How many people are more like me?

How many people have gone to bed so angry at your partner

that you pretend to have a nightmare

just so that you can roll over and smack them in the head?

I've done that twice this week.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brighton, I've enjoyed you this evening.

To me, comedy is like sex.

Beforehand, you're a little nervous,

during - best feeling ever,

and then afterwards, I get paid.

Thank you very much.

Jo Caulfield, ladies and gentlemen!

I don't like designer labels. It's a nonsense.

People wear them to say, "Look at me, I can afford this.

"I've got a little crocodile. You don't have that, do you?

"You have no reptiles on your clothes.

"Sometimes I have a little man playing polo.

"Sometimes, because I'm loaded, the crocodile plays polo. Yes."

I think it's a nonsense. Just wear a T-shirt with a photocopy of a recent bank statement.

"Look - three grand. Not to mention my...savings!"

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?

CHEERING

Please welcome one of the rising stars of British comedy, it's Mr Jon Richardson!

Hello!

LAUGHTER

How are you?

I'll give you a couple of seconds to readjust,

because I recognise I come as quite the anticlimax.

"Get on out there!" "Hiya!"

Oh, dear. Seriously, though,

it's important how you talk. People decide quickly

if they can be bothered to listen to you or not.

The best tip I got was from a teacher. They impart serious facts.

The best teacher I ever had was my technology teacher.

To make us listen, every now and again, he'd put a little speech impediment on.

Not a big one. But at the end of sentences, he'd make a little noise.

He'd say, "Don't forget, lads,

"if you are going to do a dovetail joint, just reinforce it with some PVA glue, mmmmmmm."

LAUGHTER

And that was it. That is poetry when you're 15.

One lesson you're never missing.

And it's genius - we were listening out for it, accidentally learning stuff.

He knew. As a reward, he'd do a nice big one at Christmas.

"Don't forget, lads, that will be on the exam, MMMMMMMM!"

School was the last time I was really happy with myself, I think.

You don't know who you are. You go to university to find out.

I went to university and found out I'm a prick.

Yeah. A real blow to me.

I have compulsions about cleanliness,

which are not kept by most students.

You go to university to find out you're cool, you try drugs, have sex.

I found out I like stuff tidy and in its place...

..which is devastating when your flatmates go, "I've got a spoon

"up my arse! Let's do some E and go out!"

I was more like, "Why don't we wash that spoon?

I'm much happier on my own. I'm a very angry person if I see things done in a way I don't like.

Generally, I don't assert my anger because I have a punchable enough face as it is without provoking it,

but it's only when I drive I become Mr Confident.

My brain goes, "Jon, had a quick scan round and you're acting mental now."

That's the definition of Robocop, isn't it?

When I'm in my car, I love my horn. I really love to blast the horn.

There's a lot of cliches about small men who blast their horn.

If someone cuts me up, I want them to know it. So, "Screw you, society!"

Problem is, I drive a Ford Fiesta.

That's not the most masculine horn on the market.

It's meant to be, "Screw you, society!" but comes out as, "Stop it!"

I've been single for a long time now. You need a certain confidence to get in a relationship.

My friends that are single love going up to strangers in a bar

knowing they know nothing about them.

I hate that. If I see someone I like,

I'd rather give them a laminated list of everything I'm good and shit at.

"There you go. That's the full package. I'll be over here crying into a drink."

But my friends love it. "What do I do?" "I'm a ninja."

Probably not a ninja or they wouldn't have seen you. Or you're crap at it.

And confidence in sex is crucial.

They love going, "You'll probably never have had it like this before!"

I can do that, but it's more...

(MEEK) "You've probably never had it like this before.

I don't know if you've ever been with a "crier"?"

LAUGHTER

That's all the time I've got. It's been a pleasure. Good night!

Mr Jon Richardson! Ladies and gentlemen, we love Jon Richardson!

Ooh, look - it's Sally Gunnell. Sally Gunnell!

CHEERING

You're a winner. A winner. You won the Olympics?

-That's brilliant. Welcome. Are you local?

-Yeah, Stenning.

-Sorry?

-Stenning. Just the other side.

-Stenning?

-Yeah.

You pointed to it.

As if I was a lost man! "I need to get to Stenning, Sally Gunnell!"

-Just on the other side. Is it that direction?

-Definitely.

People always point. Ask where they're from.

"I'm from Portslade. That way.

"Portslade. I've been in London. I've been in London."

If you've just been, you go...

"Just come from London. Now I'm going off to Stenning."

They also tell you the height of their children. "Got any kids?" "An 8-year-old and 4-year-old.

"We've just visited my great-grandmother in Stenning."

Ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready for the headline act?

ALL: Yes!

It is a great pleasure to introduce one of the leading lights of comedy.

Please go wild for the Pub Landlord, Mr Al Murray!

# Don't stop me now

# I'm having such a good time

# I'm having a ball

# Don't stop me now... #

Ye-e-es!

Let's hear it for the beer! All hail to the ale!

And welcome the wine, for the ladies. Look at this beautiful audience.

Eh? And look at this Muppet Show of a front row. Fantastic.

-What's your name, son?

-Calum.

-Beautiful British name. What do you do?

-Student.

-Studying?

-DT, Physics and Maths.

-DT, Physics and Maths?

Here's all you need know about physics, mate.

That's it.

I'm worried about this kid. You've got nothing to look forward to.

Do you even believe there's a God? No?

You don't believe there's a God?

You don't believe there's a GOD?

I'll tell you what. I will prove for you now, live on stage that there is a God.

I'm not going to use Bible blah-blah or vicar waffle.

I'll use common sense reasoning from within my brain.

When I prove there's a God, stand and turn to this audience and say, "I believe!"

Up for it? Good boy!

Thanks for volunteering. Now the point is...

There's obviously a God.

I see proof of God's existence in creation every single day.

The beautiful butterfly's wing,

the dolphin cresting the wave,

the smallpox virus in action.

Wherever I look, I see the existence of God.

And I mainly know there's a God every time I look in the sky

and see a jumbo jet flying in the sky.

Cos I know nothing about physics,

I know nothing about lift, thrust, drag, aerodynamic co-efficients between different aerofoil surfaces,

about thrust vectors from engines.

I know nothing about any of that bollocks. Never even heard of it!

But what I do know, without a shadow of a doubt,

is that a jumbo jet is too heavy to get off the ground.

It's too heavy to fly.

This is where divine intervention comes in, God comes in.

It gets to the end of the runway, like that.

It prepares for take-off. At this precise moment,

God is up in Heaven looking down.

Nobody knows where it is - could be in the sky, could be in space.

Maybe it's behind the Moon. Personally, I think it is.

"What's going on? Oh, nearly saw me! That was close!

"Lightning! Disappear again."

God's up in Heaven and he looks down and he hears a sound coming from the aeroplane.

Not the sound of the engines powering up. No,

the sound of incessant, fervent praying!

"Please, God, make it get off the ground! I want to go on holiday, not to catch fire on the runway!

"Please make it fly! Please, God! Please, please, please!"

And that's just the crew. God hears this...

..and he's reminded of a promise he made to mankind

over 100 years ago

on September 17th, 1903.

Cos on September 17th, 1903, God was up in Heaven

looking down at the world and he heard two men arguing, rowing.

He saw they were arguing over this strange contraption,

this weird thing with wings

and a tail and an engine.

And they were rowing. He looked and said, "That's never going to fly.

"It's got wings, but they don't even flap. Eh?

"All those birds flying around as a clue.

"What a tragic waste."

And the Wright brothers were kicking off. "No, listen to me, fool!

"Ain't no way this is gonna fly!"

Brothers. Now, God heard this...

and thought they'd kill each other.

So at the moment of take-off he reached down,

picked up the aeroplane

and carried it round the prairie.

IMMITATES ENGINE

"Holy shit!"

Like that.

"Now who's da fool?"

As a result, mankind achieved its first-ever powered flight, BUT

God had snookered himself. From that moment on, he's obliged to make every other plane fly.

And that's why the 20th century turned to shit, cos God was too busy juggling aeroplanes.

All day, every day, Heathrow Airport.

"Oh, here they come. Stansted as well. Gatwick...

"Shoreham Airport... with just one."

Heathrow, all day. That's why we won the Battle of Britain.

God, being British, was dropping German aeroplanes on the sly.

"Oh, there goes a Messerschmitt."

And that proves the existence of God, using common sense.

On your feet, turn to this audience and say, "I believe!" That's it.

-I believe there's a God!

-Good boy! Fantastic!

CHEERING

Beautiful.

There you go, Pops. Sorted that for you.

Been my pleasure. Please take your glasses up to the bar!

Good night!

Pub Landlord, Al Murray, ladies and gentlemen!

Marvellous!

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up

for all the acts we had tonight - we had Micky Flanagan!

CHEERING

The wonderful Jo Caulfield was here!

CHEERING

The sensational Jon Richardson!

CHEERING

And our wonderful headline act, the Pub Landlord, Al Murray!

CHEERING

Thank you very much! Good night! Thank you!

Thank you! Whoo-hoo!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd