Glasgow Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow


Glasgow

Michael McIntyre visits the UK's most iconic comedy venues. He is joined at the Glasgow Theatre Royal by Kevin Bridges, Daniel Sloss, Milton Jones and Craig Campbell.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Glasgow welcome to...

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Michael McIntyre!

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Come on, then! Bravo!

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Good evening. Hello!

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Welcome.

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!

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Oh, yeah!

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Right here...

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in my favourite city of them all.

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It's Glasgow!

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The last time I was in Glasgow, I spoke to somebody in the front row,

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which was kind of embarrassing.

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He was there with his glasses. He was holding them like that.

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I was like, "This is weird. Why's he brought his glasses?"

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So I said to him, "What are you doing with your glasses here?"

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Do you have not high hopes for the show?

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Are you reading during my show? Are they reading glasses?

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He just looked at me and went, "I've got a lazy eye!"

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Now, this was awkward, OK?

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You could feel the atmosphere in the theatre shift, so I tried to change the subject.

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"What's your name?" "Iain." I couldn't resist it. "Is that with two Is?"

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It was there for the taking. He set that up.

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Let me introduce you to some people we have in the audience.

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We have Colin and Justin here! How exciting!

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Colin and Justin!

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Neil Lennon, ladies and gentlemen. Neil Lennon.

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CHEERING AND BOOING

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Now, I might have...

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I might have mixed up the biogs. So, Neil, you're an interior designer?

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And Colin and Justin, you manage Celtic? Is that right?

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"First of all, the hoops have to go!"

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"Come on, Colin, let's see what we can do...with the midfield."

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I'm not going to dwell on football

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but it's a wide open championship, as it always is here in Scotland.

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I always love to see the league table. Rangers, 7,210 points.

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Celtic 7,210 points.

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Hearts, seven.

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Anyone could win it. It's wide open.

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It was a taxi driver yesterday who told me not to get into football.

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He said, "I'll give you an example.

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"There was an American tourist that I picked up,

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"and they were in brand-new Rangers... Brand-new kits,

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"with big white shorts and a huge white new trainers."

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And they just said to him, "Hey, we've just been to Ibrox and we've got our new Rangers suits.

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"Can you take us into town?"

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Apparently, the taxi driver said, "It'll probably be quicker if I just take you to A&E."

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Do you think that I've lost weight, though, Colin and Justin?

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I put a lot of weight on, because I have children, and I would eat their food.

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This is what happens. I started to eat it before they'd had a go at it,

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which was when I started to realise, this has to stop.

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Most parents go, eat up all your food.

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I was going, "Hey, leave some for me. Come on, Daddy's hungry."

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I have two children. They're five two years old, Lucas and Oscar.

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It's very difficult to look after two children.

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My wife does an amazing job. All mums do an amazing job.

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-APPLAUSE

-Yes, let's applaud mums! There you go.

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But, when I have to look after them on my own,

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it is actually very, very difficult.

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I'll take them to the park and they run in opposite directions

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and I have a split second to pick my favourite. Oh!

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He's quite cute, but he shows academic promise...

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They watch a lot of TV, I'm not going to lie to you.

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I plonk them in front of the TV.

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I've got TVs in the car.

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I've even strapped a DVD player to the baby's buggy. Watch that!

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What annoys me about children's TV is the adverts.

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They have these adverts for toys we have to buy.

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They're like, "Daddy, I want this, I want this Transformer! I want it."

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It's always rubbish, and I buy it, and I can't get it out of the packaging.

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You need the smallest screwdriver known to man

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to access the battery compartment of toys, and you can't buy them.

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You have to wait until Christmas Day

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and hope you get the cracker with the miniature screwdriver set,

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otherwise you have no chance of getting in.

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And what winds me up even more is they have adverts

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aimed at parents on children's television.

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Their theory makes sense - that the adults are watching telly

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with their kids, but my kids shouldn't be watching this shit, OK?

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"Washing machines live longer with Calgon!"

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My children sing this in the car.

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I'm like, # She'll be coming round the mountain... #

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"Washing machines live longer with Calgon!" I don't need that.

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I asked my son what he wants for his birthday.

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He wants Cillit Bang for his birthday. But why?

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Why do you want Cillit Bang?

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You're a five-year-old-boy.

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"Daddy, it is amazing. It gets rid of lime scale, grease, soap scum, grime.

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"The results are truly outstanding."

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Then my other son ran in. "Bang, and the dirt is gone!"

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Are you sure there's nothing else I can get you?

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"I want to consolidate all my debts into an easily affordable and manageable monthly lump sum."

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I got them a trampoline which I'm enjoying more than them

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cos I can see into my neighbours' gardens.

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It's exciting. "Oh, they've got a new barbecue. That's massive.

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"Look at this, darling." My wife and I jump together.

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"Oh, a gazebo. I never thought of that.

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"They've got a trampoline too."

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The other day I was bouncing and so was the neighbour. "Oh! Argh! Jesus!"

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You don't get that much fun as an adult.

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The most fun we get is revolving doors.

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That's the only real fun.

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There's no reason for them, revolving doors.

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It's normally next to a normal door.

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You walk towards the building you can see... Do I revolve in?

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Or do I do...? You have this option.

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That's easier, isn't it? But no, people will always prefer this.

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This is much more fun.

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That's the life, isn't it?

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Also, you don't have to hold it for anyone.

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When you open the door and you have to look behind you and see...

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Then you have to judge the distance of the person.

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Oh, is it worth waiting for this...?

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Sometimes you look at them and go, "Sorry, I..."

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But revolving doors can be quite tricky, as well.

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Especially when you're with somebody and the segments are coming round.

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They go in the segment and they look to you, "Are you coming in my segment?"

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"I don't know. All right, I'm in your segment with you. It's a bit cramped.

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"I should have taken my own segment!"

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Or they'll take a segment. "You go, I'll take my own segment.

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"I'm fine! I'm in my own segment."

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Then some complete stranger... "Get out of my segment!"

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Or they have those automatic revolving ones in airports.

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Huge, big ones, with a flower display in the middle.

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-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Is that something you guys added?

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You know what this revolving door needs?

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You know, when you walk into an airport, for two to three seconds...

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There's no shrubbery. We could definitely jazz it up a bit.

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Can I congratulate both of you, though, on being so kind

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to people at the beginning of 60 Minute Makeover?

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Just once, I think you should do a Christmas edition, where you're more honest. You know?

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When you just walk in and go,

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"What a pile of shit.

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"Do you live like this? You seriously...? Are you blind?

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"Hideous. Justin, I'm queasy.

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"Take me outside. I'm going to vomit.

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"Oh! Ah.

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"I've just vomited on your sofa and it's improved it.

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"I'll see you in 60 minutes. You disgust me."

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OK, I'm going to bring on my first guest of this evening.

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You are in for absolute treat. He is a fantastic comedian.

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It is a pleasure to have him.

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Please welcome the fantastic talent of Mr Milton Jones, ladies and gentlemen!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-So, good evening! AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

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< Hey!

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Some weird people about, aren't there?

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I was sitting in traffic the other day...

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and I got run over.

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My grandfather, he can't do what he used to, bless him.

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You know, bomb the Japanese.

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My other grandfather, he would never, ever throw anything away.

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I bet he died in the war, holding on to a hand grenade.

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My other grandfather...

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..his last words to me were, "you selfish boy".

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Not long after that I became a fishmonger.

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My other... Sell fish.

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My other grandfather... LAUGHTER

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Has got a metal plaque on his forehead dedicated to a park bench that died.

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My other grandfather...

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He broke his leg by standing on the doormat.

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Probably should have explained to him the concept of a helter-skelter.

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Students can study all sorts of things these days, but then the exams are a lot easier.

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I know this because I recently passed an exam in cheerleading.

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I just went in and said, "give me an A," and they did.

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I just went back to my old school, first time in 20 years.

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I took a note.

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I went back for the funeral of my old science teacher.

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They asked me to say a few words, so I did.

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Method.

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We put the coffin in the crematorium.

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Observations.

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It burned with an orange-y bright flame.

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Conclusion.

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No more homework.

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I was talking to a nurse the other day.

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She said the main problem facing the NHS is Holby City.

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Actually, she might have said, obesity.

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She was eating a cake at the time.

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I think if I had unlimited money I'd hire two private investigators

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and get them to follow each other.

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I would just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage gear

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and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier...

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You can hide, but you can't run.

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I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small dead baby ghost.

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Although, thinking about it,

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it might have been a handkerchief.

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Tricky, isn't it? If you've got to text someone that one of their

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relatives has died, and your name is Lol.

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May he rest in peace...

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Lol.

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This year, I went home for Christmas.

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Couldn't get in the door.

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Too many grandads.

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So what's it like, then, to have voices in your head?

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I hear you ask.

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Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon.

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I shouldn't have eaten it, really.

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Well, it's great to have been here.

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I'll leave you with this.

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My other grandfather...

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I remember years ago,

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being in his house and on the table there was a chocolate cake.

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And he looked over at me, and he said, "Go on!

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"No-one's looking."

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I said, "What, really?" He said, "Go on!

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"No-one's looking."

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So I got up, and I punched Grandma.

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That's all from me. Have a good night. Thank you very much.

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We love Milton Jones!

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Wonderful.

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So you know what this is, don't you? This is my show.

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This is the Michael McIntyre Comedy Road Show.

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And the BBC just asked me if I had any ideas on how to promote the series, and to do trailers.

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And I've just put in a request. I don't know if they're going to go

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with it, but we're on after Casualty, and I've asked if I can be in Casualty.

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I want to be lying on a gurney, just coming down the corridor,

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and then just go, "watch my show straight after this." We'll see if they go for it.

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest of the evening?

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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It gives me great pleasure to introduce a man who is definitely going to go on to wonderful things.

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Please welcome to the stage Daniel Sloss, ladies and gentlemen.

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Hello!

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Ladies and gentlemen. Are you well this evening?

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Yes!

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As you can tell, I'm, like, 19, which is weird - being young and doing this job.

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Can't do stuff older comedians can do.

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You'll see older comedians who come on stage and brag about having sex with women half their age...

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LAUGHTER

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Tends to be frowned upon, really.

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I can't tell sex stories for two reasons. One, I look like this.

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If I were to tell a sex story, it would look and

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sound like a child reading out a molestation charge in court.

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I'd be standing there going, "First...she took her trousers off.

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"And then she took my trousers off."

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I might as well be holding a doll at this point, pointing out where she touched me.

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The other reason is, I'm 19.

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I'm not going to lie you - I don't have that many sexual experiences.

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If I were to tell a sex story it would go along the lines of...

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"I had sex! Yes!"

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"In your face, Dad!"

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And nobody wants to hear that.

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Especially not my girlfriend's dad.

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I love my girlfriend. She's beautiful. She's funny. She's smart.

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She's way out of my league. And those aren't my words.

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Those are her dad's...

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in a letter he wrote to me at Christmas.

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Covered in his own tears, which was nice of him, but, er... She's good.

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We've been together for about just over a year, and she says she's open to a lot of things, sexually.

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Apparently one of those things isn't criticism.

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She was doing it wrong.

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No, she's better than my ex-girlfriend. I hated my ex-girlfriend.

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She called me Dan, because it was short for Daniel.

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I called her Luce because...she was a slag. It was...

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It's weird being young as well, though, because the media just

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hate us, because we're stabby little things, apparently.

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One of my favourite ones comes from the comic book The Sun... Er...

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LAUGHTER

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And they said, "Did you know a shocking 60 per cent of teenage stabbings were due to disagreements?"

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D'oh!

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I've never stabbed someone because they agreed with me!

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"Dan, that was a great pub." "I know, you bell-end." It's not right.

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My favourite one was they came out, about Glasgow, and they said, "You are not more likely

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"to be stabbed in Glasgow than anywhere else in the world.

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"But, if you are stabbed in Glasgow, you're more likely to be stabbed repeatedly."

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Because in Glasgow, when you commit a crime, you commit a crime!

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So I'm still living at home with my parents, though, which

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is quite funny because my dad, he's a very technical man, my dad.

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He's good with me and my brothers. I've got two little brothers.

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One's a six year-old, and the other one's a dickhead and...

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We mess around with him a lot. Whenever we go on family holidays

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and we get to the airport, when my dad gets to the metal-detector machine,

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just as he starts to undo his belt, me and my brothers go, "No, Dad, I'm sorry!"

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It's the best way to start a family holiday, I tell you.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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He's very smart. He's very good with computers, and I'm not.

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I can find the porn, and that's about it. Now...

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One day my computer broke and I went, "Dad, do you mind fixing my computer?"

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And he did the standard dad thing. He went, "OK, I'll fix it, right?

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"But what I want you to do is I want you to watch

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"me fix it so next time it breaks, you know how to fix it, right?"

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And I just went, "Yeah, whatever, dickhead, right?"

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So he's sitting there, fiddling away. With the computer, not himself.

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Not that kind of family.

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"What are you doing?" "Leave me alone."

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It's probably not even broken, actually. But I was sitting

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there, ignoring everything he said, and he then went to the internet.

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He then went to the browsing history, and the Argos catalogue of porn revealed itself.

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Now, we'd both seen it. I couldn't pretend I hadn't seen it.

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I couldn't look away, because that would be acknowledging it.

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I couldn't look at him because I was unsure if he still loved me.

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Now, this means the longer we're staring at the screen, the more titles he's able to read.

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This stuff is bookmarked and favourited.

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He learns more about me in this five minutes than he's ever wanted to know about me before.

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And the only thing he can do, after two minutes of horrible silence,

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was move the mouse over one particular website and just go,

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"That one's good."

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Oh, God!

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The reason I'm sort of worried about getting old as well is... I'm not worried about being old.

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I'm worried about the next generation of kids, because my brothers scare the crap out of me.

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The dick is a 10 year-old. He's very smart.

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He's a lot smarter than I ever was that age.

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The other day I was in my room and he came in.

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He's like, "Daniel, Daniel, Daniel! We learned something awesome at school."

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Oh! "I don't care." "No, no, go on."

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"Right, what is it?" "Did you know the tongue has memory?"

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"No, possibly because you made that up."

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"No, honestly. Because, you know, when you think of something sweet, your mouth starts to salivate?"

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"Yeah, kind of."

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"And if you think of something sour, it starts getting all tangy in your mouth."

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"Kind of." "Well, apparently, if you pretend to shake a salt shaker on your tongue, you can taste salt."

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Now, none of you got this, and neither did I, which is why, for the next 30 seconds, I did this.

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"Just like this?" "Yeah, just like that." "OK."

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"It's not working." "Show Mum. Show Mum."

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"Mum!" "What?"

0:22:340:22:36

"What are you doing?" "I'm trying to taste salt."

0:22:380:22:40

"Oh, you little git!

0:22:420:22:45

It's been a pleasure. I'm Daniel Sloss. Enjoy the rest of the night. Cheers.

0:22:450:22:50

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:22:500:22:53

Slossy! Well done.

0:22:530:22:55

Daniel Sloss, ladies and gentlemen!

0:22:550:22:57

19 years old!

0:22:590:23:02

19 years old!

0:23:020:23:03

God that winds me up! I went on your...

0:23:050:23:11

One of the most optimistic sentences I've ever read in my entire life, "the Glasgow open-top bus tour."

0:23:110:23:17

-I went on it yesterday.

-CHEERING

0:23:170:23:19

It's quite good. I really enjoyed it, learning about the city.

0:23:190:23:23

There is this one bit, though, when you're driving down the road, and I

0:23:230:23:26

had the headphones in and it said, "on your left is the Glasgow SECC "conference centre,

0:23:260:23:30

"home of many international conferences and rock events."

0:23:300:23:34

Then at the end of the road, the bus turns around and it goes,

0:23:340:23:37

on your right is the Glasgow SECC exhibition centre...

0:23:370:23:41

You can't do it twice!

0:23:410:23:42

-Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to keep the comedy coming. Are you ready for my next guest?

-Yes!

0:23:470:23:52

I've watched this man for many, many years. He is absolutely wonderful.

0:23:520:23:56

It is a treat to have him here.

0:23:560:23:58

Please go wild for the wild man, Mr Craig Campbell!

0:23:580:24:02

MUSIC: "Sixteen Tons"

0:24:020:24:06

' # Another day older and deeper in debt

0:24:060:24:08

' # Saint Peter, don't you call me, cos I can't go...'

0:24:080:24:12

# I owe my soul to the company store. #

0:24:120:24:15

How you doing, Glasgow? Nice to be out here.

0:24:170:24:19

They were running out of raw meat backstage!

0:24:190:24:23

I love being in Glasgow.

0:24:230:24:25

I love being in Scotland.

0:24:250:24:26

Part conversation, part puzzle.

0:24:260:24:30

With always the threat of a head-butt.

0:24:300:24:34

I'm Canadian of Scottish heritage, of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. CHEERING

0:24:410:24:47

I do enjoy being in this part of the world, though.

0:24:470:24:49

Nowhere else like it. You're the only people that will correct me on the pronunciation of my own name.

0:24:490:24:54

"Nice to meet you, my name's Craig."

0:24:540:24:56

"Pleasure to meet you, Craig."

0:24:560:24:58

And if you're watching this and you haven't been to Scotland

0:25:060:25:10

and if you haven't been to Glasgow, get yourself up here.

0:25:100:25:12

There's something that everyone in this theatre knows that you won't know your first time in Scotland.

0:25:120:25:17

If you come to Glasgow and you're on Sauchiehall Street

0:25:170:25:20

at two o'clock in the morning, which if you come to Glasgow you will be on Sauchiehall Street

0:25:200:25:25

at two o'clock in the morning. And when you buy yourself a pizza,

0:25:250:25:29

you will quickly find out that it's everyone's pizza.

0:25:290:25:33

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:25:330:25:36

"Go ahead. Enjoy it our pizza, fellas."

0:25:430:25:46

My mother taught me never to argue with five guys wearing the same shirt.

0:25:460:25:51

Nothing panics you.

0:25:580:26:00

That's the great thing about the British public.

0:26:000:26:02

I'm from a part of the world where people get emotional.

0:26:020:26:05

"I wanted cream in my coffee! That's milk!"

0:26:050:26:08

In John O'Groats to Land's End, the same reaction. Bit of a problem?

0:26:110:26:14

Don't let your face know.

0:26:140:26:15

"Oh, my hair's on fire.

0:26:180:26:21

"Bit of a negative development."

0:26:210:26:24

Have you ever been around Americans when they freak out when there's no problem?

0:26:270:26:30

"I said pepperoni!

0:26:300:26:32

"Never made pizza before or something?

0:26:420:26:45

"You want someone to hop that counter, show you how to flip pizzas back there?

0:26:460:26:50

"You want that going on right here, right now?"

0:26:500:26:53

"Jesus, man. We were hungry and now we're running from the cops."

0:26:530:26:57

I always love a good British reaction.

0:26:590:27:00

"We could remove the mushrooms ourselves.

0:27:000:27:03

"It's a little bit of free food, as far as I'm concerned.

0:27:050:27:09

"You are looking at breakfast.

0:27:090:27:11

"Oh, my hair's on fire."

0:27:130:27:15

I just love the fact that you don't...

0:27:220:27:24

You don't help anybody out that's not from here.

0:27:240:27:26

Everybody gets into this place and you got all the same game to play.

0:27:260:27:30

There's no speed limit signs on the motorways.

0:27:300:27:33

I don't know if you've noticed, you don't bother to put up signs

0:27:330:27:36

to inform anyone who perhaps wasn't born among you...

0:27:360:27:39

..as to what speed maybe they should be travelling, no?

0:27:440:27:46

We've got to try and figure out from how everyone around us is driving

0:27:460:27:50

what the speed might be.

0:27:500:27:52

If you asked anybody from another country,

0:27:520:27:54

"What do you think the speed limit is?"

0:27:540:27:56

"I don't know, 110? Is it 110 here?

0:27:560:27:59

"During the day? Maybe 100 at night. I don't know - what is it?

0:27:590:28:02

"Surprise me. 70?!

0:28:020:28:04

"What a surprise, wow."

0:28:040:28:06

The speed no-one's doing, that's the one you chose. Good for you.

0:28:060:28:09

I love the fact that you don't bother to put up speed limit signs, but you've got a camera every 40ft.

0:28:120:28:17

And clearly nobody gives a crap about that!

0:28:170:28:20

I've never lived amongst such defiance! That's what I'm telling you.

0:28:200:28:24

I've never lived among so many people that can actually say, "I don't care any more!

0:28:240:28:30

"Aaaaaaagh!

0:28:320:28:35

"I can't believe I still have a licence! Ha-ha!

0:28:400:28:43

"It's my car, but whose plates?

0:28:430:28:46

"I wonder whose plates they might be."

0:28:460:28:48

It's the angst that I love about you, the British angst.

0:28:480:28:51

Everybody here has a bit of...aaaagh! ..in them.

0:28:510:28:54

It's what Canadians have none of.

0:28:540:28:55

I don't know if you've been there, but, "I think I hear a parade."

0:28:550:28:59

"Oh, it's only an ice-cream truck, everybody. Stand down."

0:29:020:29:05

The nation I represent.

0:29:070:29:09

If you thought the Swedes were a pack of weenies...

0:29:090:29:13

And if you didn't, go ahead and visit Stockholm for a couple of days.

0:29:130:29:16

"We invented the cheese cutter first."

0:29:160:29:19

Take your own life.

0:29:240:29:25

The Swedes wind me up something fierce.

0:29:300:29:32

They probably don't react with the Scots the same,

0:29:320:29:34

but for Canadians they wind me up,

0:29:340:29:36

cos they are the safest people on the planet, and I only know that

0:29:360:29:39

because Canadians are the second safest people on the planet,

0:29:390:29:43

and we've constantly got Sweden on the phone trying to find out

0:29:430:29:46

what the next safe thing we should be doing is.

0:29:460:29:49

"Hello, Sweden - it's Canada again.

0:29:490:29:50

"We're just sitting around the house trying not to hurt ourselves.

0:29:500:29:54

"Thought you might have another healthy tip or a pointer."

0:29:560:29:59

"If I were you, I would drive during the day with my lights on."

0:30:010:30:07

"Sounds like a great idea, Sweden!

0:30:150:30:18

"We will implement that as law, immediately."

0:30:180:30:22

For 20 years, I've been driving during the day with my lights on by law,

0:30:220:30:26

and I brought that habit to live among you for the last 12 years, in the UK,

0:30:260:30:30

and I've never lived amongst so many generally mild-mannered people

0:30:300:30:34

who will get so infuriated with me for simply driving

0:30:340:30:38

during the day with my lights on.

0:30:380:30:39

I'm talking every second car. "Your lights are on!

0:30:390:30:42

"What the hell's wrong with you?"

0:30:420:30:44

INDISTINCT

0:30:440:30:46

"And he has sunglasses on!"

0:30:460:30:49

It drives you out of your mind.

0:30:540:30:56

I've actually had a pedestrian...

0:30:560:30:58

Whether or not you want to believe this... This is true.

0:30:580:31:01

I had a guy on foot, when I was stationary in traffic, physically assaulting my vehicle.

0:31:010:31:06

"The lights are on!

0:31:060:31:08

"They're on! It's the day!

0:31:090:31:12

"That's the sun! It's behind the clouds, but it's on!"

0:31:130:31:19

Couldn't be a more spectacular place to perform comedy.

0:31:250:31:29

A pleasure to see you, Glasgow. Have a nice life. Take care.

0:31:290:31:32

That was amazing.

0:31:360:31:37

That was amazing. That was Craig Campbell.

0:31:390:31:41

That was superb. Mr Craig Campbell!

0:31:410:31:47

He's one of you!

0:31:480:31:49

Now, it is very difficult.

0:31:510:31:53

I cannot swear on my show on the BBC, so...

0:31:530:31:55

I just find it very difficult not to swear in Glasgow, because it's a way of life here.

0:31:550:32:01

If I needed an example of this, it was at baggage reclaim, where a child,

0:32:010:32:05

OK, I'm putting his age between five and six years old,

0:32:050:32:09

came up to me and said,

0:32:090:32:11

-"Excuse me, are you Michael

-BLEEP

-McIntyre?" What?!

0:32:110:32:15

I'm like, "No, my middle name is James."

0:32:190:32:22

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our headline act!

0:32:240:32:28

It gives me great pleasure to introduce him to this stage.

0:32:340:32:37

He's had an absolutely fantastic year. He's Glasgow's own.

0:32:370:32:41

What can I say? Mr Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen.

0:32:410:32:44

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:490:32:51

Hello.

0:32:550:32:56

Hello, Glasgow. Yeah!

0:33:030:33:07

It's a pleasure to be back on the Comedy Road Show, in Glasgow.

0:33:080:33:12

Last series, I was in Edinburgh.

0:33:120:33:14

Last series, Edinburgh.

0:33:140:33:16

Don't boo. You don't need to boo. They're nice people.

0:33:160:33:19

Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, very different cities.

0:33:190:33:24

In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.

0:33:240:33:28

And we'll leave it at that.

0:33:360:33:38

It's good, making a bit of national TV.

0:33:400:33:43

I've got a regional accent, so I always sound quite severe on national TV.

0:33:430:33:47

I never realised I had such a strong accent

0:33:470:33:50

until I went to the cinema to see a movie called The Taking Of Pelham 123,

0:33:500:33:55

I don't know if anybody went to the cinema to see this movie?

0:33:550:33:58

It was pretty deserted, the cinema. I don't think that's a reflection

0:33:580:34:02

on the movie itself, more the struggle to obtain tickets in the Glasgow area,

0:34:020:34:09

with the automated cinema ticket booking line.

0:34:090:34:12

They do not do Glasgow accents.

0:34:130:34:16

I phoned up. It was quite simple.

0:34:190:34:21

"Welcome to Odeon. Please state which branch of Odeon you would like to purchase tickets for."

0:34:210:34:26

Now, that's straightforward, because there's one word in the English dictionary

0:34:260:34:30

designed to be said in a Glasgow accent, and it's "Glasgow".

0:34:300:34:34

And then I began to encounter some difficulties.

0:34:420:34:45

"OK, please speak slowly and clearly, stating the full name of the movie

0:34:470:34:51

"you would like to purchase tickets for.

0:34:510:34:52

"If you'd like to hear a full list of movies again, please press one."

0:34:520:34:56

The Taking Of Pelham 123.

0:34:560:34:59

"I'm sorry - I didn't quite catch that.

0:35:010:35:04

"Please, speak slowly and clearly, stating the full name of the film you'd like to see.

0:35:060:35:09

"If you'd like to hear a list of movies again, please press one."

0:35:090:35:12

The Taking Of Pel-ham...

0:35:120:35:14

..123

0:35:160:35:18

"I'm sorry..." I just gave up.

0:35:210:35:24

I thought, I'll show up early and buy my tickets face to face.

0:35:240:35:28

Old school ticket-purchasing.

0:35:280:35:30

However, I picture some Scottish nationalist who would see this as a form of linguistic repression

0:35:300:35:37

and remain on that phone for as long as it took.

0:35:370:35:39

The Tak-ING...

0:35:410:35:43

..Of Pel-HAM.

0:35:440:35:47

One, two, three.

0:35:470:35:49

"I'm sorry - I didn't quite catch that."

0:35:500:35:53

English bastards!

0:35:530:35:54

APPLAUSE

0:35:540:35:57

"Thank you. You have chosen Inglourious Basterds, certificate..."

0:36:030:36:07

I still live in this city here. I've recently moved out.

0:36:100:36:13

I no longer live with my parents, and that's quite cool.

0:36:130:36:16

You get a bit of freedom, a bit of independence that you longed for as a young person,

0:36:160:36:20

from the very first moment you got your taste of independence, when word had spread

0:36:200:36:25

in your school that somebody's mum and dad were going away for the weekend.

0:36:250:36:31

And that the person was having a party.

0:36:310:36:35

The person never knew they were having a party.

0:36:350:36:39

Perhaps "having" would be the wrong choice of word. They were GETTING a party.

0:36:410:36:45

When I was growing up, it was called an "empty." That's what we called it.

0:36:470:36:51

CHEERING

0:36:510:36:53

Which derives from somebody had the house to themselves.

0:36:580:37:01

They had an empty house. Thus, they had an "empty".

0:37:010:37:04

Now, you mustn't confuse the empty with the high school parties that you see in American movies.

0:37:040:37:12

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, man, do you guys know a kid called Chad Hogan?

0:37:130:37:18

Yeah, everybody knows Chad Hogan, dude.

0:37:210:37:24

He's, like, the coolest kid in high school.

0:37:240:37:26

Well, Chad Hogan's mom and dad are going away to Long Island for the weekend, man.

0:37:260:37:33

There's a party at Chad Hogan's place?

0:37:330:37:36

Yeah. Spring break!

0:37:360:37:38

Then it shows you Chad Hogan's party.

0:37:420:37:44

The guy's booked a band for his living room.

0:37:440:37:48

Everybody's nodding with these plastic cups of beer.

0:37:510:37:55

Great party, Chad! Yeah! Woo!

0:37:550:37:58

A bedroom door swings open. Some guy emerges.

0:37:580:38:01

Guess who got to third base last night, yeah!

0:38:010:38:04

The guy's about 35 years old.

0:38:040:38:07

That's not the kind of parties we had. We never had spring break.

0:38:090:38:13

We had the Easter holidays.

0:38:130:38:15

A lot more tension in an empty.

0:38:170:38:20

Somebody's psycho cousin...

0:38:200:38:22

..would disrupt the ambience

0:38:260:38:29

by announcing he'd purchased 12 cans, drank two, spilled one, but only had seven left.

0:38:290:38:36

Turn that music off. We've got a can thief. Turn that off.

0:38:410:38:43

People are crying with the tension. This guy...

0:38:460:38:50

Somebody else in the corner smoking a joint and blowing it into the Labrador's face.

0:38:500:38:55

An intelligent dog, as well, and it's sitting there frazzled.

0:39:030:39:06

Put a bit in its bowl, eh?

0:39:090:39:11

Ah, come on.

0:39:110:39:13

Yeah, it's the dog's weekend as well, right? Eh?

0:39:130:39:15

Somebody go in the kitchen and get the thing a custard cream.

0:39:170:39:20

Another guy just trying on people's jackets.

0:39:260:39:29

Do you think this one suits me?

0:39:370:39:39

Not even asking does it fit me. Does it suit me?

0:39:390:39:44

The guy's a petty thief, but he's also a fashionista.

0:39:440:39:47

You need to look your best. The same guy that's leaving the house

0:39:470:39:51

at the end of the night, holding a microwave.

0:39:510:39:55

I think you'll find I brought this with me.

0:39:550:39:57

And I don't care for the accusations.

0:40:020:40:06

I mean, why would I steal a microwave?

0:40:080:40:10

Have we got any religious people in?

0:40:210:40:23

I don't mean that in a Catholic-Protestant, let's wreck the place... I just mean...

0:40:230:40:26

I don't really know. I'm neither religious nor atheist.

0:40:360:40:38

I don't have a clue. I think you need to make up your own theories.

0:40:380:40:42

At school I would always take religion over science, because science was quite difficult.

0:40:420:40:47

You had to remember stuff and read stuff, whereas religion was a laugh.

0:40:470:40:53

Just some guilt-ridden woman reading from the Bible to a class full of hyperactive adolescents,

0:40:530:40:59

pissing themselves laughing at a cock and balls on the blackboard.

0:40:590:41:04

You grow up thinking there's a God and he created the world, and if you live a good life

0:41:070:41:12

you go to heaven, live a bad life, you go to hell.

0:41:120:41:15

But if there's a God, why is there so much war, corruption and greed in the world?

0:41:150:41:19

You need to make up your own theories.

0:41:190:41:21

I've combined a bit of religion and a bit of atheism,

0:41:210:41:25

and came to the conclusion that maybe God created the world, but then he pissed off.

0:41:250:41:30

He's God - he's going to have more than one property.

0:41:300:41:34

Maybe he's left us an empty, in the world.

0:41:370:41:40

And that's why there's war, corruption and greed -

0:41:480:41:51

because all good house parties get a bit out of hand.

0:41:510:41:54

Maybe God will come back one day and go, "Look at the state of this place."

0:41:540:41:58

You'd have people like Robert Mugabe and George Bush heading for the exit.

0:41:580:42:02

We never thought he was coming back. Did you see his face?

0:42:020:42:05

He's raging. Did you see his face?!

0:42:050:42:07

The Pope's sitting there. The Pope knows he's getting grounded.

0:42:110:42:14

I'll speak to you in a minute, Pope.

0:42:180:42:20

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to me.

0:42:230:42:25

Have a great week. Good night. God bless. Thank you.

0:42:250:42:28

Absolutely fantastic.

0:42:320:42:34

Kevin Bridges! Wonderful!

0:42:340:42:38

Kevin's obviously had an amazing year.

0:42:420:42:44

He did the show last year, and he said that somebody

0:42:440:42:47

came up to him the following week in Glasgow and said, "Eh, I saw you on that McIntyre Investigates show."

0:42:470:42:55

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for everyone we've seen tonight.

0:42:580:43:02

We had Milton Jones, ladies and gentlemen!

0:43:020:43:04

New boy, Daniel Sloss!

0:43:070:43:09

We love Daniel Sloss!

0:43:090:43:11

The absolutely fantastic Craig Campbell!

0:43:110:43:15

And of course, our headliner, Kevin Bridges!

0:43:150:43:20

Thank you very much. Good night.

0:43:200:43:23

Bravo! Thank you.

0:43:230:43:25

Thank you, Glasgow.

0:43:250:43:27

Thank you.

0:43:270:43:29

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:370:43:40

E-mail [email protected]

0:43:400:43:43

Michael McIntyre takes his Comedy Roadshow to the Theatre Royal in Glasgow, where he introduces Milton Jones, Daniel Sloss and Craig Campbell, with local favourite Kevin Bridges closing the show.


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