Sunderland Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow


Sunderland

Stand-up from the Sunderland Empire Theatre, where Michael introduces Simon Evans, Jimeoin and Imran Yusuf. Topping the bill is north-east England's Sarah Millican.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Sunderland welcome

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to Michael McIntyre!

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Hello, hello.

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

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And welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!

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Right here, from my favourite city of them all, it's Sunderland!

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I like this big pit here. I don't know if you have noticed,

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there is a 12-foot drop to your death here.

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This is obviously designed with Geordies in mind.

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"Here comes a couple of Geordies, turn the lights off and tell them they are in row A."

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"All right. Is it over here...argh!"

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LAUGHTER

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It's nice to be in Sunderland.

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I've stayed here a couple of days.

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I went on the tourism website.

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Where they describe your city centre.

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They didn't go for words like vibrant or exciting, they plumped for "improving" city centre.

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And I have to say I like it. I think it is a great place to be if you are eating fish

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and chips, have a bet to put on, and are in a mobility scooter. I think it's quite fun.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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"Have yous got another chip for me, all right?

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"Did you hear about the Geordie who fell down in the theatre?

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"Got one! High-five, come on."

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2010, ladies and gentlemen - technology is

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taking over, some of it is good, some of it is not so helpful.

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I particularly like Google Earth, it is amazing.

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They photographed every road in the whole world and they have put them on Google Earth, on the computer.

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You just type it in, and you go there. You drag the little man

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over the map and you drop him into the road and then you are there.

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You can see it. It is really amazing technology.

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And you sit in front of the computer and think, I can go anywhere, anywhere in the world.

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Where shall I go? And we all come to the same conclusion - my house.

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APPLAUSE & LAUGHTER

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Even though you are in your house,

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and it would be far easier just to get up, walk outside of your house

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and look at your house,

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a live 3D image of your own building. But no, you're so excited.

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First you don't land exactly on your house. Where is it?

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You have to move around.

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There it is, that is our house on Google Earth!

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"Darling, come and look.

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"Leave the kids, they are fine in the bath, come and look.

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"That's our house. Ooh, it's our car on Google Earth!"

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Some technology, I think, no help whatsoever.

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Loos, modern public loos, I don't think they needed any updating. I think we were fine with the process.

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You go in, if you need to turn the lights on, you turn the light on.

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Now they have this automatic motion sensor lighting.

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You come on and the light comes on. Just when you're moving.

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Which is fun at the beginning, but then when you're on the loo, the light goes off.

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You have to reactivate the light. So you start moving.

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Washing your hands. I didn't think this was dramatic.

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There was no issues there. Turn the tap on, and the water flows.

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Once you have had enough water, you turn the tap off, that was fine.

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They didn't trust you with that, so they had the push one,

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where you push it and it gives you an allocation of water.

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"This is the amount of water we feel is enough for you to be washing your hands.

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"But if you need more, you are quite within your rights to push again."

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Now people have literally no idea how to access water from modern taps.

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You have lines of people doing tai chi trying to work it out.

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LAUGHTER

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"Do you know?"

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"You any idea? Ooh-agh! Ai-yah!"

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Washing your hands was fine. Take a paper towel, dry your hands with a paper towel, throw in the bin.

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No problem at all. Or use the blower.

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The rubbish blower. "Ooh. Ooh."

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Like a baby breathing on you. "Ooh. Ooh."

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You can see the water droplets slowly making their way down.

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"I could be here for months." "Ooh."

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You can even turn it around to do your face. "Brrr!"

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Why do you need to dry your face?

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Who is doing such a big shit they need to dry their face? "Brrr!" "Massive, huge shit."

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"Brrr!"

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Now we have the Dyson airblade, possibly the creepiest device I have seen in my entire life.

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You come out of the loo and there is some bloke going...

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APPLAUSE

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I know it has been a difficult time for the north-east in the last few months.

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There was the Raoul Moat situation.

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I know that was very difficult

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and terrifying. It was frightening, this steroid-filled gunman hiding in the woods.

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It was not a nice time for anyone, let alone people in the area.

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And it was not funny, I'd just like to say that. Obviously, I am a comedian,

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I look to the news for comedy, and in this instance, nothing was funny.

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There was nothing funny at all. They caught him and they surrounded him with marksmen, and I was

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thinking, "This is just a horrible situation.

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"Certainly, no comedy here."

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Then Paul Gascoigne showed up.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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"Put the remote control down, darling, this could be funny."

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It came across the screen on Sky News.

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"Paul Gascoigne has just shown up with a fishing rod and sandwiches for Raoul."

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Apparently, he used to know Raoul back in the day in Newcastle city centre.

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"He was a nice guy then. Something must have happened to Raoul."

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You can only imagine the police reaction.

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They are surrounding him. "Psst. Captain."

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"What is it, don't interrupt me. I have got Raoul in my crosshairs."

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"It is Paul Gascoigne. Gazza." "Gazza?!"

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"He's got a fishing rod and sandwiches for Raoul."

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"You're joking! Tell him to get lost."

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I thought it might open the floodgates for a spate of

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north-eastern celebrities to show up with food and activities for Raoul.

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Ten minutes later. "Psst, captain." "What is it now?"

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"It's Peter Beardsley." "No way!"

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"He's got some minestrone soup and playing cards for Raoul."

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"Tell him to go away. Send him down the road with Gazza, I'm busy.

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"Don't interrupt me again."

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"Psst." "What is it now?" "It's Cheryl Cole."

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"No? Cheryl, here?"

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"She's got a salad nicoise and Swingball for Raoul."

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"You have got be out of your mind. Tell her to get lost and don't

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"interrupt me again, unless it's Jimmy Nail. I love Jimmy Nail.

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"Crocodile Shoes was my favourite."

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"Psst." "Is it Jimmy? Is Jimmy here?"

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"No, it's Ant and Dec."

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"Ant and Dec?!" "They've got some home-made ratatouille and Yahtzee for Raoul.

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"And a Taser."

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"A Taser?! That could come in pretty handy. A Taser?!"

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"Tizer? Piss off!"

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce my first guest. Are you ready for that?

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AUDIENCE: Yes!

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It is a genuine privilege and pleasure to have him.

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He is one of my favourites, and soon you're going to find out why.

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Please welcome on stage, the wondrous Mr Jimeoin is here.

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WURLITZER STYLE ORGAN MUSIC

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WHOOPING

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Right, hello.

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Most of the things I will be talking about tonight will involve having my eyebrows up.

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LAUGHTER

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It's not to say that I don't put them down from time to time. But most of the time they are up.

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APPLAUSE

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Probably should not have mentioned it at the start because what happens

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is people just end up looking at your eyebrows and nobody listens to what you're saying.

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Just watching these two little bits of fur move up and down.

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But it is important to know where your eyebrows are when you're talking.

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Always have your eyebrows up when you're asking someone where the toilets are.

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"Do you know where the toilets are?" LAUGHTER

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"Toilets?"

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Don't be going, "Do you know where the toilets are?"

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Or, "Is that your daughter?"

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LAUGHTER

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"Wow, is it?"

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"Is that your daughter?"

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LAUGHTER

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"Do you know where the toilets are?"

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Checking things in your pockets, that is always eyebrows down, isn't it?

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Don't be doing that.

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LAUGHTER

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People will be telling you where the toilets are. "Over there, get away from my daughter."

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So, anyway, I do like to move around stage just a little bit.

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Just trying to find the funniest part of the stage.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you.

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If you were to look at your life and you were to say, "What was the best bit?

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"What was the bit where I had the most fun, the most joy?"

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That would have to be falling in love.

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I was on a train recently, there was a young couple on the train, obviously very much in love.

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And they laughed for the whole journey.

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It was really annoying.

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When you look at somebody and think, "Nothing's that funny."

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Because once you settle into relationships, you don't laugh as much to be honest.

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Normally them hurting themselves is the big joke, isn't it?

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"You all right?"

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You have to do one "Are you all right?", before you piss yourself, and that is the hardest one.

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"You all right? I'll just get the bandages!"

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That's all from me. My name's Jimeoin. Thank you very much.

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Goodnight. Thank you.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Wonderful. Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen!

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We love Jimeoin. Brilliant. Very good.

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my second guest on my Comedy Roadshow?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm very excited about my next guest. He's a brand-new comic, and I think he's going to be a big star.

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Please give all your love to the fantastic Mr Imran Yusuf.

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Good evening!

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AUDIENCE: Good Evening!

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My name's Imran Yusuf. I've just come back from doing some gigs in America.

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Give me a cheer if you've been to the USA!

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CHEERING

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Fantastic country. Loads of fun to travel to, especially when you look like me.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh yeah, I'm playing that card tonight, bruv.

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Right, I flew out to New York, OK?

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I flew from Heathrow airport.

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It's in London, geezer, all right?

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And I flew out with Air India. Mmm?

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Air India.

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You already know this is going to be hilarious, innit?

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I'm on this Air India flight, OK? I looked around, it's full of Indian people.

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But I look around, and I see only one white guy on the entire plane.

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Do you know him? This plane...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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This plane is full of brown faces.

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But there's still only one white guy on the entire plane.

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As we entered North American airspace, I thought to myself,

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"Boy, so much for that undercover Air Marshal!"

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That's a rubbish disguise, man, you ain't fooling anybody. "Hey, Abdullah, who d'you think it is?

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"I think it might be Jack Bauer, over there."

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Crazy, man. But I love Americans, man. I love American people.

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I have a profound knowledge and understanding of the Americans.

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And that's because I actually went to school in America.

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Completely illegally, but I did go.

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When I started school, those American kids started picking on me, yeah?

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I was getting picked on for being English.

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This is a form of prejudice I had not experienced before.

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APPLAUSE

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This is what the American kids used to say to me. I'm not making this up, absolutely true.

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Every day in school, they used to come up to me and go, "Hey, hey, go home.

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"It's time for tea, you stupid English muffin!"

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"English muffin".

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You all get upset when religious zealots call you infidels.

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You don't know what racism is until someone's called you a muffin!

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I'm crazy, man. Jokes every minute, man.

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I saw lots of lovely ladies coming in tonight, man.

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I like older women, man. That's my flavour, you get me, hmm?

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I prefer the older woman.

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But see, it got me into a bit of trouble once, right?

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The last chick I dated, yeah, she was old, yeah?

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She was ancient.

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She was a proper dinosaur.

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I remember when I first went to meet her, I said, "Good evening, how do you do?" And she went...

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HE SNARLS & GRUNTS

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That was one mental date, man.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Thank you.

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You've been awesome. My name's Imran Yusuf. Peace out. God bless.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Imran Yusuf!

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Come on! Fantastic. Wonderful. That was brilliant.

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He gave you everything, and then he stuck a dinosaur in it!

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act of the evening?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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It gives me great pleasure to introduce a man I have admired for many, many years.

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You're going to absolutely love him. Please welcome to the stage the fantastic Mr Simon Evans.

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Thank you, thank you very much. A couple of things about myself.

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A few of you are thinking, this is all very well, but where are his eyes?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I do have eyes,

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I can see out. It can appear,

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under stage lighting, that there is no more than a couple of crude knife slits pushed into my face, but no.

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Also I should mention my accent.

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My accent may be rather unfamiliar, possibly even rather exotic to some of your ears.

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If you are struggling to place it, it is in fact "educated".

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GROANS AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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That's generous of you. I should make it clear, not expensively, this is not a Coalition-style accent,

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I just paid attention, that is all. I was taught to believe that it would be an advantage to speak correctly.

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My father encouraged me to speak with my teeth clenched together,

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like so, as though addressing the crew of a naval frigate.

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Or perhaps being buggered in the showers at Harrow, I don't know.

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"Thank you, rector!" I don't know what the idea was, but it doesn't work, anyway.

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Nowadays it mainly provokes hostility.

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If you want an accent which actually warms people to you,

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the Geordie, Manc, the north-east accents are far more popular.

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30 years ago, if you had a Geordie accent you were virtually entitled to a disability pension...

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LAUGHTER

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It was considered so detrimental to your prospects in life.

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And if you weren't entitled you'd probably claim anyway. That's another matter.

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Nowadays it's all changed.

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APPLAUSE

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I just resent the way I get treated.

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In Sunderland I've had the warmest reception.

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I did some gigs in Newcastle - the way they reacted,

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you'd think I closed their flaming shipyards myself, which is a bit much.

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It was 30 years ago, I was a boy at the time.

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The family made a few quid out of the deal but it's not my fault.

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I said to them, as I said to you, educated accent, you may not be familiar with it.

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They were fine about that, at first.

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Then one of them got it, passed it round, things turned a bit ugly.

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Or so I hear, I was halfway home by then.

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But I went back the following night, they'd trashed the place, apparently.

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It looked exactly the same to me, I have to say.

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There's a limit to how much damage you could do in that venue, rubble is that rubble at the end of the day,

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you can move it about, to express your frustration.

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It's more Feng Shui than vandalism, but that wasn't their fault.

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I abhor what was done in the North East under Thatcher's regime, it was a terrible thing.

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She dismantled the North East economy out of spite.

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It was working fine for generations on a very simple basis, namely this -

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you get a harness on a northerner, you can get a lot of work done. Now that is a fact.

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You know it. You're hardy beasts, you endure extremes of temperature

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with very little adjustment in your clothing.

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First time I came up here it was the middle of winter, has been for years.

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A freezing wind blowing in off the North Sea full of sleet and bits of old boat.

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The thing that struck me...

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was a rivet, as it turned out.

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I learned to duck.

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The thing that struck me, seriously, the women were walking around in their underwear.

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What I'd taken to be a sort of pink and purple mottled shell suit affair

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was in fact the flesh...

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LAUGHTER

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..Of these women, such as they are. Now,

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I enjoy a wind-stiffened nipple as much as the next man.

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I might even count myself a connoisseur.

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Al dente, that would be my preference, the firm but not brittle nipple, that's what you want.

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With a bit of give, but still with a sense of purpose.

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Enough to hang your hat on, but not your umbrella.

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I used to write pornography for a living.

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It wasn't terribly erotic, but it was detailed, I like to think.

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All I'm saying, I think once your cleavage has gone the colour of Stilton it's time to dress up a bit.

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I was in a bar, I heard a women say to her friend,

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"Don't wear your bra in here, you won't feel the benefit when you go out".

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I hardly dared look, but I forced myself.

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That is an image that will stay with me for some time.

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Thanks to my new camera phone.

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Thank you very much, good night. Cheers, take care.

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Simon Evans, ladies and gentlemen. Bravo! We love Simon Evans.

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our headline act?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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What an absolute treat we have for you tonight.

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We have a girl, she was on my show last year, she has gone on to achieve wonderful, wonderful things.

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She's a local lass done well, all your love please for the wonderful Sarah Millican!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello.

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AUDIENCE: Hello!

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It's lovely to be here.

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I'm a bit of a chatterbox, so I'll have to rein it in a bit tonight.

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The only thing I was criticised for at school was talking too much.

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I mean by the teachers, I was criticised by the kids for loads of things.

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I was something of a nerd.

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It's really hard to believe, isn't it?

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Totally didn't have sex till I was 22, shut up!

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It's quite cool that the thing I was criticised for is now my job. That's quite cool, isn't it?

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Take that, teachers.

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I just hope the same fate didn't befall the school bike.

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She might be in.

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I was going to say I'm highly strung, but I don't think I am.

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I get agitated very easily. A WOMAN LAUGHS

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Thanks. Not technically a joke.

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Bitch.

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LAUGHTER

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I'll give you an example of when I got agitated recently.

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I was in a hotel room on my own and I got trapped in my bra.

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I can see the women are looking at me, "Tell me how it happened so it doesn't happen to me."

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The men are just happy I'm talking about bras, aren't you?

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I was in a hotel room, fastening my bra.

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Nice lady at the front there, tell me, when you fasten your bra,

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are you a back fastener or are you front and swizzle?

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Front and swizzle. The rest of you are freaks.

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If I could fasten it like that, I'd be in a bloody circus.

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I mean, I'd just be fastening bras, I don't have any other circus skills.

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I asked a lady the other day, "Are you a back fastener or a front and swizzle?"

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She went, "Neither, I do the third one."

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There is no third one!

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I said, "Tell me what the third one is." She said, "Just fasten it and put it on like a jumper."

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I said, "I'm guessing you're not wearing the right-size bra, pet."

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But it occurred to me there must be a fourth option as well, where you fasten it and just step in it.

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Mine would get to about there and get stuck.

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I fastened my bra at the front, I start swizzling. Just got out the bath, so I was a little bit claggy.

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It's nice to be in a room where people know what the word claggy means.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE I usually have to tell people to look it up on Google!

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So, it got stuck about here. One of the underwires got trapped underneath as well.

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There weren't any boobs in it, it wasn't functioning at all as a bra.

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And the thought that crossed my mind was...

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"I wonder if the fire brigade do this?"

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"Did you say you were trapped in your car, madam?"

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"Sounds the same."

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"Better bring your wire-cutters, pet."

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It does sound, as well, like the worst ever episode of Final Destination, doesn't it?

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"How did she die?" "From shame."

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I've got a new nickname. I've never had a nickname before.

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I've been called things, but that's different.

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My nickname is the Cake Pigeon.

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Because whenever I walk past a cake shop...

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SHE LAUGHS Walk past(!)

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Whenever I press meself up against a cake shop...

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I go, "Oooh..."

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But because I sometimes talk about cakes and puddings onstage,

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occasionally, people bring cakes and puddings to gigs for me.

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Which might sound like a nice thing, but it can be a little bit weird.

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Cos it is still essentially cake from a stranger.

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A man came out to my gig in London and he said,

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"I've got you some cake." And I thought, "Oh, no."

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And he handed me a carrier bag with a slice of unwrapped cake in the bottom.

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It's already wrong, that, isn't it?

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But I wanted to be polite, cos he'd done it out of sweetness.

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I said, "That looks lovely, pet, thank you very much. Is it carrot cake?"

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He went, "It's passion cake."

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I think I know cake and I don't think passion cake exists.

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I think it's carrot cake plus rohypnol equals passion cake.

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I mean, I still ate it.

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As far as I'm concerned, if you are worried something's got rohypnol, you just eat it at home, don't you?

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Because then you get a lovely night's sleep as well.

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And you can't remember, so you don't even feel guilty the next day.

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I've started buying women's magazines.

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I bought one cos on the front cover it said some female celebrities had put weight on

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and they were now curvaceous. I thought, "Good, we'll see just how curvaceous they are."

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I flicked through and the fattest woman in there, it said she had ballooned...

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I repeat, she had BALLOONED...

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to a size 12.

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I'd give my right arm to be a size 12!

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My right arm might be a size 12.

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You've been amazing. I've been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much. Goodnight.

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Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen. Bravo!

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Absolutely wonderful!

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Let's have a round of applause for everybody we've seen tonight.

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The wonderful Simon Evans was here!

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Star in the making, Imran Yusuf!

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APPLAUSE

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The absolutely glorious Jimeoin!

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APPLAUSE

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And the wonderful Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen.

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Thank you very much. Goodnight, bravo, thank you.

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Thank you!

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MUSIC: "Burn Baby Burn" by Ash

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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E-mail [email protected]

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Michael McIntyre takes his comedy roadshow to the Sunderland Empire Theatre, where he introduces Simon Evans, Jimeoin and Imran Yusuf. Topping the bill is north-east England's Sarah Millican.


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