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Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Sunderland welcome
to Michael McIntyre!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!
Right here, from my favourite city of them all, it's Sunderland!
I like this big pit here. I don't know if you have noticed,
there is a 12-foot drop to your death here.
This is obviously designed with Geordies in mind.
"Here comes a couple of Geordies, turn the lights off and tell them they are in row A."
"All right. Is it over here...argh!"
It's nice to be in Sunderland.
I've stayed here a couple of days.
I went on the tourism website.
Where they describe your city centre.
They didn't go for words like vibrant or exciting, they plumped for "improving" city centre.
And I have to say I like it. I think it is a great place to be if you are eating fish
and chips, have a bet to put on, and are in a mobility scooter. I think it's quite fun.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Have yous got another chip for me, all right?
"Did you hear about the Geordie who fell down in the theatre?
"Got one! High-five, come on."
2010, ladies and gentlemen - technology is
taking over, some of it is good, some of it is not so helpful.
I particularly like Google Earth, it is amazing.
They photographed every road in the whole world and they have put them on Google Earth, on the computer.
You just type it in, and you go there. You drag the little man
over the map and you drop him into the road and then you are there.
You can see it. It is really amazing technology.
And you sit in front of the computer and think, I can go anywhere, anywhere in the world.
Where shall I go? And we all come to the same conclusion - my house.
APPLAUSE & LAUGHTER
Even though you are in your house,
and it would be far easier just to get up, walk outside of your house
and look at your house,
a live 3D image of your own building. But no, you're so excited.
First you don't land exactly on your house. Where is it?
You have to move around.
There it is, that is our house on Google Earth!
"Darling, come and look.
"Leave the kids, they are fine in the bath, come and look.
"That's our house. Ooh, it's our car on Google Earth!"
Some technology, I think, no help whatsoever.
Loos, modern public loos, I don't think they needed any updating. I think we were fine with the process.
You go in, if you need to turn the lights on, you turn the light on.
Now they have this automatic motion sensor lighting.
You come on and the light comes on. Just when you're moving.
Which is fun at the beginning, but then when you're on the loo, the light goes off.
You have to reactivate the light. So you start moving.
Washing your hands. I didn't think this was dramatic.
There was no issues there. Turn the tap on, and the water flows.
Once you have had enough water, you turn the tap off, that was fine.
They didn't trust you with that, so they had the push one,
where you push it and it gives you an allocation of water.
"This is the amount of water we feel is enough for you to be washing your hands.
"But if you need more, you are quite within your rights to push again."
Now people have literally no idea how to access water from modern taps.
You have lines of people doing tai chi trying to work it out.
"Do you know?"
"You any idea? Ooh-agh! Ai-yah!"
Washing your hands was fine. Take a paper towel, dry your hands with a paper towel, throw in the bin.
No problem at all. Or use the blower.
The rubbish blower. "Ooh. Ooh."
Like a baby breathing on you. "Ooh. Ooh."
You can see the water droplets slowly making their way down.
"I could be here for months." "Ooh."
You can even turn it around to do your face. "Brrr!"
Why do you need to dry your face?
Who is doing such a big shit they need to dry their face? "Brrr!" "Massive, huge shit."
Now we have the Dyson airblade, possibly the creepiest device I have seen in my entire life.
You come out of the loo and there is some bloke going...
I know it has been a difficult time for the north-east in the last few months.
There was the Raoul Moat situation.
I know that was very difficult
and terrifying. It was frightening, this steroid-filled gunman hiding in the woods.
It was not a nice time for anyone, let alone people in the area.
And it was not funny, I'd just like to say that. Obviously, I am a comedian,
I look to the news for comedy, and in this instance, nothing was funny.
There was nothing funny at all. They caught him and they surrounded him with marksmen, and I was
thinking, "This is just a horrible situation.
"Certainly, no comedy here."
Then Paul Gascoigne showed up.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
"Put the remote control down, darling, this could be funny."
It came across the screen on Sky News.
"Paul Gascoigne has just shown up with a fishing rod and sandwiches for Raoul."
Apparently, he used to know Raoul back in the day in Newcastle city centre.
"He was a nice guy then. Something must have happened to Raoul."
You can only imagine the police reaction.
They are surrounding him. "Psst. Captain."
"What is it, don't interrupt me. I have got Raoul in my crosshairs."
"It is Paul Gascoigne. Gazza." "Gazza?!"
"He's got a fishing rod and sandwiches for Raoul."
"You're joking! Tell him to get lost."
I thought it might open the floodgates for a spate of
north-eastern celebrities to show up with food and activities for Raoul.
Ten minutes later. "Psst, captain." "What is it now?"
"It's Peter Beardsley." "No way!"
"He's got some minestrone soup and playing cards for Raoul."
"Tell him to go away. Send him down the road with Gazza, I'm busy.
"Don't interrupt me again."
"Psst." "What is it now?" "It's Cheryl Cole."
"No? Cheryl, here?"
"She's got a salad nicoise and Swingball for Raoul."
"You have got be out of your mind. Tell her to get lost and don't
"interrupt me again, unless it's Jimmy Nail. I love Jimmy Nail.
"Crocodile Shoes was my favourite."
"Psst." "Is it Jimmy? Is Jimmy here?"
"No, it's Ant and Dec."
"Ant and Dec?!" "They've got some home-made ratatouille and Yahtzee for Raoul.
"And a Taser."
"A Taser?! That could come in pretty handy. A Taser?!"
"Tizer? Piss off!"
All right, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce my first guest. Are you ready for that?
It is a genuine privilege and pleasure to have him.
He is one of my favourites, and soon you're going to find out why.
Please welcome on stage, the wondrous Mr Jimeoin is here.
WURLITZER STYLE ORGAN MUSIC
Most of the things I will be talking about tonight will involve having my eyebrows up.
It's not to say that I don't put them down from time to time. But most of the time they are up.
Probably should not have mentioned it at the start because what happens
is people just end up looking at your eyebrows and nobody listens to what you're saying.
Just watching these two little bits of fur move up and down.
But it is important to know where your eyebrows are when you're talking.
Always have your eyebrows up when you're asking someone where the toilets are.
"Do you know where the toilets are?" LAUGHTER
Don't be going, "Do you know where the toilets are?"
Or, "Is that your daughter?"
"Wow, is it?"
"Is that your daughter?"
"Do you know where the toilets are?"
Checking things in your pockets, that is always eyebrows down, isn't it?
Don't be doing that.
People will be telling you where the toilets are. "Over there, get away from my daughter."
So, anyway, I do like to move around stage just a little bit.
Just trying to find the funniest part of the stage.
If you were to look at your life and you were to say, "What was the best bit?
"What was the bit where I had the most fun, the most joy?"
That would have to be falling in love.
I was on a train recently, there was a young couple on the train, obviously very much in love.
And they laughed for the whole journey.
It was really annoying.
When you look at somebody and think, "Nothing's that funny."
Because once you settle into relationships, you don't laugh as much to be honest.
Normally them hurting themselves is the big joke, isn't it?
"You all right?"
You have to do one "Are you all right?", before you piss yourself, and that is the hardest one.
"You all right? I'll just get the bandages!"
That's all from me. My name's Jimeoin. Thank you very much.
Goodnight. Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wonderful. Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen!
We love Jimeoin. Brilliant. Very good.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my second guest on my Comedy Roadshow?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm very excited about my next guest. He's a brand-new comic, and I think he's going to be a big star.
Please give all your love to the fantastic Mr Imran Yusuf.
AUDIENCE: Good Evening!
My name's Imran Yusuf. I've just come back from doing some gigs in America.
Give me a cheer if you've been to the USA!
Fantastic country. Loads of fun to travel to, especially when you look like me.
Oh yeah, I'm playing that card tonight, bruv.
Right, I flew out to New York, OK?
I flew from Heathrow airport.
It's in London, geezer, all right?
And I flew out with Air India. Mmm?
You already know this is going to be hilarious, innit?
I'm on this Air India flight, OK? I looked around, it's full of Indian people.
But I look around, and I see only one white guy on the entire plane.
Do you know him? This plane...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This plane is full of brown faces.
But there's still only one white guy on the entire plane.
As we entered North American airspace, I thought to myself,
"Boy, so much for that undercover Air Marshal!"
That's a rubbish disguise, man, you ain't fooling anybody. "Hey, Abdullah, who d'you think it is?
"I think it might be Jack Bauer, over there."
Crazy, man. But I love Americans, man. I love American people.
I have a profound knowledge and understanding of the Americans.
And that's because I actually went to school in America.
Completely illegally, but I did go.
When I started school, those American kids started picking on me, yeah?
I was getting picked on for being English.
This is a form of prejudice I had not experienced before.
This is what the American kids used to say to me. I'm not making this up, absolutely true.
Every day in school, they used to come up to me and go, "Hey, hey, go home.
"It's time for tea, you stupid English muffin!"
You all get upset when religious zealots call you infidels.
You don't know what racism is until someone's called you a muffin!
I'm crazy, man. Jokes every minute, man.
I saw lots of lovely ladies coming in tonight, man.
I like older women, man. That's my flavour, you get me, hmm?
I prefer the older woman.
But see, it got me into a bit of trouble once, right?
The last chick I dated, yeah, she was old, yeah?
She was ancient.
She was a proper dinosaur.
I remember when I first went to meet her, I said, "Good evening, how do you do?" And she went...
HE SNARLS & GRUNTS
That was one mental date, man.
Thank you. Thank you.
You've been awesome. My name's Imran Yusuf. Peace out. God bless.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on! Fantastic. Wonderful. That was brilliant.
He gave you everything, and then he stuck a dinosaur in it!
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next act of the evening?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It gives me great pleasure to introduce a man I have admired for many, many years.
You're going to absolutely love him. Please welcome to the stage the fantastic Mr Simon Evans.
Thank you, thank you very much. A couple of things about myself.
A few of you are thinking, this is all very well, but where are his eyes?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I do have eyes,
I can see out. It can appear,
under stage lighting, that there is no more than a couple of crude knife slits pushed into my face, but no.
Also I should mention my accent.
My accent may be rather unfamiliar, possibly even rather exotic to some of your ears.
If you are struggling to place it, it is in fact "educated".
GROANS AND APPLAUSE
That's generous of you. I should make it clear, not expensively, this is not a Coalition-style accent,
I just paid attention, that is all. I was taught to believe that it would be an advantage to speak correctly.
My father encouraged me to speak with my teeth clenched together,
like so, as though addressing the crew of a naval frigate.
Or perhaps being buggered in the showers at Harrow, I don't know.
"Thank you, rector!" I don't know what the idea was, but it doesn't work, anyway.
Nowadays it mainly provokes hostility.
If you want an accent which actually warms people to you,
the Geordie, Manc, the north-east accents are far more popular.
30 years ago, if you had a Geordie accent you were virtually entitled to a disability pension...
It was considered so detrimental to your prospects in life.
And if you weren't entitled you'd probably claim anyway. That's another matter.
Nowadays it's all changed.
I just resent the way I get treated.
In Sunderland I've had the warmest reception.
I did some gigs in Newcastle - the way they reacted,
you'd think I closed their flaming shipyards myself, which is a bit much.
It was 30 years ago, I was a boy at the time.
The family made a few quid out of the deal but it's not my fault.
I said to them, as I said to you, educated accent, you may not be familiar with it.
They were fine about that, at first.
Then one of them got it, passed it round, things turned a bit ugly.
Or so I hear, I was halfway home by then.
But I went back the following night, they'd trashed the place, apparently.
It looked exactly the same to me, I have to say.
There's a limit to how much damage you could do in that venue, rubble is that rubble at the end of the day,
you can move it about, to express your frustration.
It's more Feng Shui than vandalism, but that wasn't their fault.
I abhor what was done in the North East under Thatcher's regime, it was a terrible thing.
She dismantled the North East economy out of spite.
It was working fine for generations on a very simple basis, namely this -
you get a harness on a northerner, you can get a lot of work done. Now that is a fact.
You know it. You're hardy beasts, you endure extremes of temperature
with very little adjustment in your clothing.
First time I came up here it was the middle of winter, has been for years.
A freezing wind blowing in off the North Sea full of sleet and bits of old boat.
The thing that struck me...
was a rivet, as it turned out.
I learned to duck.
The thing that struck me, seriously, the women were walking around in their underwear.
What I'd taken to be a sort of pink and purple mottled shell suit affair
was in fact the flesh...
..Of these women, such as they are. Now,
I enjoy a wind-stiffened nipple as much as the next man.
I might even count myself a connoisseur.
Al dente, that would be my preference, the firm but not brittle nipple, that's what you want.
With a bit of give, but still with a sense of purpose.
Enough to hang your hat on, but not your umbrella.
I used to write pornography for a living.
It wasn't terribly erotic, but it was detailed, I like to think.
All I'm saying, I think once your cleavage has gone the colour of Stilton it's time to dress up a bit.
I was in a bar, I heard a women say to her friend,
"Don't wear your bra in here, you won't feel the benefit when you go out".
I hardly dared look, but I forced myself.
That is an image that will stay with me for some time.
Thanks to my new camera phone.
Thank you very much, good night. Cheers, take care.
Simon Evans, ladies and gentlemen. Bravo! We love Simon Evans.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our headline act?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What an absolute treat we have for you tonight.
We have a girl, she was on my show last year, she has gone on to achieve wonderful, wonderful things.
She's a local lass done well, all your love please for the wonderful Sarah Millican!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's lovely to be here.
I'm a bit of a chatterbox, so I'll have to rein it in a bit tonight.
The only thing I was criticised for at school was talking too much.
I mean by the teachers, I was criticised by the kids for loads of things.
I was something of a nerd.
It's really hard to believe, isn't it?
Totally didn't have sex till I was 22, shut up!
It's quite cool that the thing I was criticised for is now my job. That's quite cool, isn't it?
Take that, teachers.
I just hope the same fate didn't befall the school bike.
She might be in.
I was going to say I'm highly strung, but I don't think I am.
I get agitated very easily. A WOMAN LAUGHS
Thanks. Not technically a joke.
I'll give you an example of when I got agitated recently.
I was in a hotel room on my own and I got trapped in my bra.
I can see the women are looking at me, "Tell me how it happened so it doesn't happen to me."
The men are just happy I'm talking about bras, aren't you?
I was in a hotel room, fastening my bra.
Nice lady at the front there, tell me, when you fasten your bra,
are you a back fastener or are you front and swizzle?
Front and swizzle. The rest of you are freaks.
If I could fasten it like that, I'd be in a bloody circus.
I mean, I'd just be fastening bras, I don't have any other circus skills.
I asked a lady the other day, "Are you a back fastener or a front and swizzle?"
She went, "Neither, I do the third one."
There is no third one!
I said, "Tell me what the third one is." She said, "Just fasten it and put it on like a jumper."
I said, "I'm guessing you're not wearing the right-size bra, pet."
But it occurred to me there must be a fourth option as well, where you fasten it and just step in it.
Mine would get to about there and get stuck.
I fastened my bra at the front, I start swizzling. Just got out the bath, so I was a little bit claggy.
It's nice to be in a room where people know what the word claggy means.
APPLAUSE I usually have to tell people to look it up on Google!
So, it got stuck about here. One of the underwires got trapped underneath as well.
There weren't any boobs in it, it wasn't functioning at all as a bra.
And the thought that crossed my mind was...
"I wonder if the fire brigade do this?"
"Did you say you were trapped in your car, madam?"
"Sounds the same."
"Better bring your wire-cutters, pet."
It does sound, as well, like the worst ever episode of Final Destination, doesn't it?
"How did she die?" "From shame."
I've got a new nickname. I've never had a nickname before.
I've been called things, but that's different.
My nickname is the Cake Pigeon.
Because whenever I walk past a cake shop...
SHE LAUGHS Walk past(!)
Whenever I press meself up against a cake shop...
I go, "Oooh..."
But because I sometimes talk about cakes and puddings onstage,
occasionally, people bring cakes and puddings to gigs for me.
Which might sound like a nice thing, but it can be a little bit weird.
Cos it is still essentially cake from a stranger.
A man came out to my gig in London and he said,
"I've got you some cake." And I thought, "Oh, no."
And he handed me a carrier bag with a slice of unwrapped cake in the bottom.
It's already wrong, that, isn't it?
But I wanted to be polite, cos he'd done it out of sweetness.
I said, "That looks lovely, pet, thank you very much. Is it carrot cake?"
He went, "It's passion cake."
I think I know cake and I don't think passion cake exists.
I think it's carrot cake plus rohypnol equals passion cake.
I mean, I still ate it.
As far as I'm concerned, if you are worried something's got rohypnol, you just eat it at home, don't you?
Because then you get a lovely night's sleep as well.
And you can't remember, so you don't even feel guilty the next day.
I've started buying women's magazines.
I bought one cos on the front cover it said some female celebrities had put weight on
and they were now curvaceous. I thought, "Good, we'll see just how curvaceous they are."
I flicked through and the fattest woman in there, it said she had ballooned...
I repeat, she had BALLOONED...
to a size 12.
I'd give my right arm to be a size 12!
My right arm might be a size 12.
You've been amazing. I've been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much. Goodnight.
Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen. Bravo!
Let's have a round of applause for everybody we've seen tonight.
The wonderful Simon Evans was here!
Star in the making, Imran Yusuf!
The absolutely glorious Jimeoin!
And the wonderful Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much. Goodnight, bravo, thank you.
MUSIC: "Burn Baby Burn" by Ash
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]