Blackpool Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Blackpool welcome to...

Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Show time! Good evening.

Hello!

Hello! You all right?

Very good!

Hello, hello, welcome.

How wonderful.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!

CHEERING

Oh, yes, right here, in my favourite seaside of them all,

it's Blackpool!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've enjoyed Blackpool today, I've enjoyed the sights.

I walked down the, er,

the promenade, is that right?

Yes. Little bit of a breeze off the sea?

LAUGHTER

MIMICS WIND

I read things like Pleasure Beach, Fun Land, Happy Days.

"Pleasure", "fun", and "happy".

Not emotions I saw reflected on any of the faces of the people holidaying here.

I quite like the look, I'm going to move in and join you. Get a tattoo and a Staffordshire bull terrier.

A buggy.

Smoking.

Fish and chips in one hand.

Tupperware full of 2ps.

I might win more 2ps.

Who wants to win 2p?!

LAUGHTER

I find 2ps in my house, it's an inconvenience!

I don't go, "We won, darling, we won!

"56p!

"Let's go to Blackpool and we can double our money!" In Tupperware?!

Tupperware is for day two with couscous, it's not for 2ps!

MIMICS WIND

I was watching Lorraine Kelly this morning, they were like,

"You've got to get that bikini body for your summer holidays."

I was thinking, not in Blackpool, you don't.

No, eat your chips otherwise you won't fit into your extra-large fleece.

I've never seen so much fleece in my entire life.

I saw a woman sleeping on a bench, she was out in the sea, looking at the sea, in blankets.

MIMICS WIND

"You having fun?" "What did you say?"

LAUGHTER

What a pleasure it is for me to introduce - we've got some of the Blackpool football team here!

Stand up if you play for Blackpool.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sea, Seasiders!

-Sea, sea, Seasiders!

-Very good.

That's very good.

This is becoming far too much a celebration of football,

so let's bring it down a notch and welcome Emile Heskey

here in the second row.

CHEERS AND SOME BOOING

Emile Heskey, Emile Heskey!

Don't boo! It wasn't the greatest summer, let's be honest.

I've never seen...

Well, personally, I've never seen a game quite as bad as the England-Germany game.

Whilst watching it, it reminded me of when you play FIFA PlayStation

and you don't yet know the controls. That's how...

LAUGHTER

When you're like, "What is it? Triangle or square?

"Which one is it?" You get the ball and just dribble off the side.

LAUGHTER

"Oh, no, that's run faster! Why is he running faster?!"

One-on-one with the keeper and then pass off the side.

"Oh, no, that's the wrong one."

-Nowhere near the ball, slide tackle.

-LAUGHTER

But well done. Ladies and gentlemen, Emile Heskey, joining us tonight.

APPLAUSE

But let's focus on Blackpool.

Let's focus on Blackpool. Well done.

It's quite funny actually, cos they told me you'd be in the fourth row,

and you're actually in the fifth row. And I looked at the fourth row,

and you don't, if you don't mind, look like footballers.

I said, "We've got the Blackpool..."

Oh, my God, look at the state, they won't last long in the Premier League!

Now, of course, one of my favourite people in football, one of the most charismatic, wonderful personalities

who's on the threshold of mega stardom - Ian Holloway, ladies and gentlemen, your manager.

Come on!

Take a bow, take a bow!

Go on, my son!

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-He got you there, he got you there.

"I don't mind a bit of acclaim.

"I don't like this floppy-haired comedian, I think he's gay.

"I don't trust him one bit.

"Men don't skip. I'm here for the wife, I'm here for my wife."

He's looking at me going, "That's pretty much the size of it, my friend, yeah."

I love the interview on Sky Sports.

Normally managers are quite to the point, like, "Yeah, lads done well,

"just going to take it one game at a time, we look forward to next season."

Not Ian Holloway, no. 45-minute interview with Sky Sports.

"I can't believe we finally got there, we've done it, we pulled together, cos these are real people,

"these are real people, and now we'll go, we'll take on the Premier League, and we'll get new grass!"

That's what you said. Yeah, that's the focus.

Don't even call it a pitch. "We'll get grass!

"I've seen grass in the West Country, we'll bring it up here to the seaside!

"We'll grow it here especially, it'll be fantastic. And they'll stay real, my players.

"They won't become millionaires."

You should've seen your players behind you, "Yes, we will, thank you.

"That's the whole reason we, er, won the game."

In fact, there are so many repeats of this show, we're going to record another bit

for when it's repeated next year.

So, the Blackpool team are here.

Bad luck.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE AND SOME BOOING

-Hey, come on.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for my first guest,

and I'm so pleased to be starting off tonight's show with him.

Please welcome the wonderful Mr Terry Alderton, ladies and gentlemen. Terry Alderton is here!

APPLAUSE

Good evening, good evening, good evening!

Lovely to be here, ladies and gentlemen.

I've been on your seafront, in the arcades.

I spent £60,000 to win 30,000 tickets.

I took it to the kiosk to give it the man to give me the prize, and he gave me a balloon.

I went, "I want more than a balloon, my friend."

"What is he doing?" "Talking about tickets and £60,000."

"I know. The people sitting in the audience..." "Haven't got a clue what's going on at this point." "No."

"Some people are completely lost."

"Some people won't understand what the hell is going on."

"You can't entertain all the people all the time." "Only some of the people some of the time".

"That's what mother said." "Mother was right." "Mother was always right."

So, Blackpool, you see...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you.

"They like us."

Ladies and gentlemen.

Before we start the show tonight,

I must tell you lovely people of Blackpool that you are in safe hands tonight.

In fact, you're in the safest hands in the whole wide world.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yeah!

"Give me back my kids!"

Now...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Kenny Baker's here." "Yes." "R2-D2."

"It's been a long time, old man." "Yes.

"Kenny Baker."

"You know we're talking about him." "He knows we're talking about him."

"He must be shitting himself."

"Do you know where he sits?"

"Of course we do."

"Look at him quickly."

LAUGHTER

"He's been in Star Wars." "He's seen many monsters."

"But he hasn't seen our monster." "During the rest of the show..."

"Or by the end..." "You must do the monster." "Yes, you must."

"Just get on with the show."

Now...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Boxing Day's not like Christmas Day, though, is it?!"

LAUGHTER

"Time is up." "Michael McIntyre must come back now."

"Yes. You know what you must do."

"Kenny's waiting for it." "Yes.

"He's seen many things." "Yes, Kenny has seen many things."

"Wookies, that kind of thing." "Yes." "Gamma ring guards, yes."

"But he hasn't seen our monster."

"You must be soft in the way that you do it." "But you must do it."

"Do it now."

So, ladies and gentlemen, before I go tonight.

It's been wonderful to be here...

MONSTER-LIKE GROWLING

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Terry Alderton, ladies and gentlemen! Bravo!

Terry Alderton.

Somebody couldn't make it.

I invited Colin Fry, the medium that's working on the pier.

He talks to the dead, for those of you who want to know what he does.

Audiences come to see him and then dead people who are with him,

they communicate through him, cos he's a spiritual medium.

But what they don't do is tell their full name to the medium.

You'd think if you were dead and could communicate with the living you'd have a little bit more to say.

They prefer to play a sort of spiritual charades game, where they just supply Colin with a letter,

they just give him one letter, and he has to..."I'm getting a C."

Rather than saying, "I'm getting a Charlie Baker,

"he needs to talk to his wife Margaret, in the second row. It was murder, he said it was murder."

None of that, he just gets letters.

Behind him are a series of ghosts who just run up to him and go, "D."

LAUGHTER

"F."

APPLAUSE

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

are you ready for my next guest of the evening?

CHEERING

He's a man that I've admired for many, many years.

Give all your love to the wonderful Mr Justin Moorhouse.

Hello!

Hello, Blackpool! CHEERING

Look at this, this is exciting. I love this. It's all right.

I'm not going to pick on you, don't worry.

I'm not going to pick on the front row, even though it's very easy tonight, isn't it?

I don't do that. I don't do that. You can get into trouble.

I did that once before, I was in a place called Burnley.

AUDIENCE GROANS

You've heard of it? It's like Blackpool, but it's been dropped on its head.

I walked on stage. There's 300 people there.

I went, "Good evening, Burnley, it's nice to be here."

And 300 people went, "It isn't.

"We live here, dickhead. Get on with it."

I panicked a little bit, so I thought I'd speak to the front row.

There was a woman sat where you are, sir, nothing like you. She was huge.

A behemoth. Proper big, tusks.

Prehistoric.

Anyway, she's a big woman. I thought I'd say hello, because I'm friendly.

I'm from the North, like you. I said, "Hiya, love! What's your name?"

And she went, "Tony."

I panicked a little bit, cos it's a bloke's name. It's a bloke's name. I goes, "That's a bloke's name."

She goes, "No..."

"No", she goes, "Toni, with an 'i'."

Toni, with an 'i'. That's when I went,

"That's Tiny, and you're clearly not, are you, love?"

Don't clap, please. It gives me flashbacks - as she walked out her buttocks, banging together.

LAUGHTER

Stay with me for ever, that will.

It's nice to be here. Comedians always say, "It's nice to be in Blackpool."

I kind of like it. It's nice to work this side of the Pennines.

I'll be honest with you, I don't work around here a lot.

I tend to do a lot of work in Yorkshire.

There's some in, left over from a trade-union conference in the '80s!

Sat there - "What do we want?

"Finish our beer, now shut it."

LAUGHTER

I like Yorkshire... What's your name, fella?

Alan, from Yorkshire?

Where are you from in Yorkshire, Alan?

-York!

-York!

See, straight to the point.

Why give us any more vowels than is necessary?

LAUGHTER

You know when you walk around Yorkshire, during Yorkshire things. Thinking about cricket,

and, "I love dandelion and burdock," and...

LAUGHTER

Do you have a imaginary brass band in your head...

LAUGHTER

That dictates the pace of Yorkshire life?

So for instance, "I'm going for t'paper.

"Yorkshire paper. I'll have no news over t'big hill."

IMITATES MOURNFUL BRASS BAND

"I'll have t'paper.

"Aye, Yorkshire paper.

"I'll drink it with my Yorkshire tea."

IMITATES MOURNFUL BRASS BAND

"See thee."

When you have sex in Yorkshire, Alan, is it Yorkshire sex?

IMITATES UPTEMPO BRASS BAND

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Proper Yorkshire is Johnny Briggs...

IMITATES BRASS BAND

I'm not insinuating, by the way, you've all got a little fella down there!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the rest of your show.

Thanks for listening to me. Take care. Good night.

Well done, fantastic.

Justin Moorhouse, ladies and gentlemen!

We love Justin Moorhouse!

Ah, ladies and gentlemen, if I haven't spotted Roy Walker, row two.

Roy Walker!

Say what you see!

We love Roy Walker!

You all right, Roy?

You're looking quite, erm, suntanned.

It was my 70th birthday on Sunday and we had a wee party.

It was your 70th birthday on Sunday and you've been partying? Congratulations!

APPLAUSE

70 is the kind of age where you can start telling people your age.

People like to tell people their age at the beginning and the end. I'm 60... I'm 70!

I'm going to be 80!

I'm 84...

Everything in the middle, they throw the question back at you. "How old are you?"

"How old do you think I am?"

And they contort themselves to look as young as possible at the moment of questioning.

"How old do you think I am?"

LAUGHTER

So, congratulations. 70, that's one of the big ones, isn't it?

The big ones, what are the big ones? One, one is big.

10, double figures.

16. Anybody 16?

Oh, yeah. 16 is exciting, because you can play the Lottery,

and you can have sex at 16. And at 18, you can drink.

This is the wrong way round, isn't it? It's odd.

They deem sex more acceptable than drinking. It doesn't make sense!

"Would you like to go out for a drink?"

"I don't think I'm ready for a drink."

"Would you like to have sex with me?" "Yes, sex, of course. Full sex.

"In two years, we could have a drink together, maybe."

Roy, does it annoy you every time people chat to you,

they want to say your catchphrase?

You were on a show called Catchphrase and ended up having the biggest catchphrase of all.

-Does it annoy you?

-No, not at all.

-OK. Then I'll have to do it.

"Say what you see." That's pretty much... "Say what you see.

-"Say what you see."

-Don't tempt me!

You should go to Colin Fry's show.

That's what you should do.

Colin Fry would go, "I'm getting a B."

You'd go, "It's good, but it's not right." You could do that!

Poor Fry, couldn't even make it.

Anyway... OK, listen, I'm going to bring on the next act. I think you're going to love him.

I love him, I can't wait to watch him tonight.

It's a pleasure and we're lucky to have him. Please welcome, the wonderful Miles Jupp is here!

MUSIC: "Tommy Gun" by the Clash

Hello.

Gosh, good evening. Good evening, Blackpool.

AUDIENCE: Good evening!

Anyway, my name is Miles Jupp, and I'm privileged, not just to be here, but in general.

LAUGHTER

A lot of people hear the way I speak and assume that I'm homosexual.

Don't know what the logic is there.

I don't know if they think I've had to learn to enunciate clearly

with a mouthful of other gentlemen.

The reason I speak like this is because this is the way my parents speak.

That's the way it works. You tend to inherit the accent of your forebears,

which is why a lot of working-class people seem to be incoherent.

You know, because their parents were drunks.

I am joking, obviously, when I talk about the working classes.

I must be - I haven't met one.

Absolutely no idea. Statistically, some of them must be smashing.

It may surprise you to hear, that I encounter quite a lot of street aggression.

I can't imagine what it might be about.

I was in Hull recently, on my way back from a show, I got mugged by a young man.

He attacked me with a knife.

Don't know why he thought a knife was necessary, his accent was bloody terrifying!

Incredibly awkward, when you're involved in a confrontation of this sort.

You spend the whole time going, "I'm terribly sorry, young man, I'm really can't understand a word.

"I really don't understand a word. I hope it's not directions, I'm simply not from round here.

"What's that? Mm? Oh, come on, you funny little fellow - project!"

"Use the diaphragm. There we are."

Turned out he was saying, "Give me your money."

I said, "What, all of it?"

"Most of it's tied up in land."

"The paperwork's going to be an absolute nightmare."

Ended up writing him a cheque.

It's a difficult time, isn't it, for people?

People are very touchy about things, aren't they?

There's a recession on, isn't there, which must be terrible for the people involved?

It's a very strange business, the recession. As soon as it happened, people were desperate

to blame someone. People said, "It's the fault of the bankers."

I don't know if that's the case, or if that's how it works.

If anyone is to blame for the recession that we're experiencing in the UK, it was the news

telling us that there was going to be a recession and us all just obediently going along with it.

Kind of a desperate desire not to embarrass the BBC, or something.

I remember very clearly about nine months ago,

the news reader suddenly going, "Everybody's panicking!"

I thought, "Are they?

"I seem to be having a bit of toast in my pyjamas."

"Gosh, how serious is this?"

"Will I need slippers?"

Blackpool, it's been an absolute pleasure to speak to you.

God bless. Good night. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done. Brilliant. Miles Jupp, ladies and gentlemen!

We love Miles Jupp!

Wondrous!

If I'm honest with you, it's my first time in Blackpool. I didn't know anything about it.

I met a bloke a couple of weeks ago, he was from Blackpool.

I thought, "This is an opportunity to get to know what goes on there."

So I said, "What's it like in Blackpool?"

He said, "There's a lot of hen-dos."

I thought he said "Hindus" and it led to a very awkward conversation.

I was like, "Is that some kind of a problem?"

He said, "Too right it is, they're pissed, they're lying all over the streets,

"throwing up, getting their arses out."

"Are you being quite serious?" "I am. I mean, you know,

"they're up for it, but I wouldn't sleep with anyone, they're disgusting!"

"You are the most racist man I've ever met!" "What are you on about?"

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to that time of the evening when we welcome our headline act!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I can't tell you how thrilled I am that he's here.

Because last year, we had the first series of my show, my Comedy Roadshow,

and he came on as one of the acts and he was absolutely sensational.

Ever since then, he's gone on and on to wonderful things.

He's playing massive arenas. He's absolutely hysterical.

I always knew he was and I'm so glad that so many other people have got to see that.

The bottom line is, I'm responsible entirely for his success.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome without doubt

one of the greatest stand-up comedians in this country today - Mr John Bishop!

Hello!

Hello.

How are you, Blackpool?

CHEERING

The Las Vegas of the North!

You are our Mecca.

You are the place that we gravitated to

and the opportunity to come back here, I couldn't miss,

because I had my stag-do here.

Oh, yes.

I left Blackpool, like every happy stag,

with a rash it took me six months to get rid of.

I had to say to my missus, "Oh, I don't know what it is.

"It must have been the sand in my shorts,

"when we were on the beach, eating pies."

And stag-dos have always been the same. Hen-dos are different.

I know you have hen-dos here and hen-dos are different.

Because hen-dos, they're like a community thing.

The hen's sort of looked after, and all her mates look after the hen.

And they all go, "We're looking after her, we're going to look after her."

And it ends up that you look after her, because four of you end up in the toilet, crying together.

Going, "Sally, but I love him."

And that's what happens. But on a stag-do, a stag-do's a bit like the Magnificent Seven - backwards.

You look at it and think, "We're not all going to make this, are we?"

And they've changed. I did a gig recently,

I did a gig about a year ago at the Comedy Store in Manchester.

And this is how hen-dos have changed.

I was there, and there was a girl on her hen-do, it was normal stuff.

She was dressed up like a fairy.

Well, somewhere between a fairy and a slut.

But you know what they're like.

She's there, the wings, the L plates and all that stuff.

And I was there and I said, "Oh, there's a hen party in." They said, "Yeah, and what happens now?"

Which is obviously a change, because this doesn't happen in stag-dos.

The hens all get together and they buy the hen a present.

I said, "Who's getting married?" She said, "Alison.

"We've all got Alison a present." I thought, "That's very nice.

"They've all got Alison a present. Maybe they've chipped in and got her some plates. Or sets of towels."

But then they proceeded to throw the present on the stage.

It buzzed.

Would any of the ladies like to guess what the present was?

-AUDIENCE:

-A Rabbit!

It was a Rabbit. For the BBC audience, I don't mean a furry one.

It landed on the stage. I've got to be honest with you, we don't have them in our house.

So I had no idea what it was!

I'm looking at the thing on the stage. I picked this thing up.

For a start, this is a replacement for the male appendage.

This is a replacement willy.

And what's obviously happened, is they've got a focus group of women, and they've sat all the women round

and they've said, "Right, girls, we're going to make a replacement for the male willy."

"What's wrong with the male willy?"

And the first answer must have been the colour.

"We don't want it looking the same colour as him.

"It would be handy if it's a nice colour, like purple."

Purple!

That's like having sex with Tinky Winky! That's wrong!

I picked this thing up, this, this...

this machine.

I picked it up...

I picked it up and it's got two controls on it,

and I'm stood on the stage going, "What's all this about?"

And I pressed one control

and the willy bit...

did that.

I've got to be honest with you, ladies and gentlemen,

I've not asked all my mates, but...

..I don't know anyone who can do that!

Didn't God know that that would be a handy thing for us to do?

Who decided that that's useful? It does that!

And then there's another bit...

..I don't need to be too graphic...

I assume this is where the Rabbit name comes from -

little ears.

Little ears, like a little rabbit going, "Hello".

That does this!

I mean, what's that all about?

At three different speeds, it does that.

How are we ever going to be able to do that?

How is a man ever going to be able to compete with that?

Unless you gel your pubes and get a little...

little bits of cotton ball tied to your eyebrows, like that.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for coming out.

Thanks for listening. Good night and God bless.

Thank you.

Brilliant. Well done. Thank you so much. Brilliant.

John Bishop, ladies and gentlemen! Fantastic. Come on!

John Bishop!

Fantastic. Wonderful. What a treat.

One more time, please give it up for all my guests tonight.

Fantastic. Terry Alderton was here!

Justin Moorhouse was here, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Moorhouse!

Miles Jupp, ladies and gentlemen!

And the truly wonderful John Bishop!

Thank you very much! Good night! Thank you. Thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd