Dublin Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow


Dublin

Stand-up from the Olympia Theatre in Dublin, where Michael McIntyre introduces Andrew Lawrence, Keith Farnan and Zoe Lyons, plus Irish favourite Tommy Tiernan.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please give a big Dublin welcome to Michael McIntyre!

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hello.

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Good evening and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!

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Right here from my favourite city of them all...

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it's Dublin!

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I arrived a couple of days ago, they've got these

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iris recognition scanners now in the airport for your eyes.

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There was an Irishman working on it, he said,

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"Would you like to step forward into the Irish Recognition Scanner?"

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You have scanners for recognising Irish people?

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Do you not use the normal passport system?

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You've been losing your passports?

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I'm Irish, scan me.

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There's green blood pumping through these veins.

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And I've been getting into some of your terminologies.

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I was coming through immigration, always a tense affair, because you don't know if they'll let you in,

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and this bloke went, "What's the story?"

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I have never heard this expression.

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It totally freaked me out. I was looking at my wife going, "We need a story to get into this country.

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"Have you got any stories?

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"I don't know, anything that's a narrative.

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"Have you got some children's books? We're coming up with something...

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"There were three little pigs... #

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Story! I love that - you shorten it to "Story!"

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In England we just stick to "How are you?" which we normally answer with "How are you?"

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We tend not to even answer the question.

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"How are you? How are you?" We're fine with that, we don't question it.

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It's probably the only question you can answer with exactly the same question and nobody really cares.

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"How are you? How are you?" You can't go, "Can you pass the salt?

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"Can you pass the salt?" That wouldn't make sense.

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So I've hired a car, I've driven around Ireland, which is thrilling

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if not a little bit tense as I'm reminded of how many people have died on every one of your roads.

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It doesn't make you feel better.

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I'm planning my journeys now to get myself statistically the best chance of surviving.

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Do you have it on your Irish Sat Navs,

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"Would you like to pass this route or the one you might not die on?"

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Do you think that reading statistics is going to make you drive safer?

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If you didn't have the sign, if there was no sign on the road,

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this is how you would drive down the road.

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With the sign, you drive down it, and I've been there, and you go whooo.

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So, ladies and gentlemen of Dublin, are we having a drink tonight?

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AUDIENCE: Y-E-E-E-ES!

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This is what I love about Dublin, you don't mess around when it comes to your drink.

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There are various clues around the city that you like a drink,

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for example when you're crossing the road you have the green man, who's go, and the red man is stop.

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In England we have this red man, who's like this,

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and you know you mustn't go.

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You copy him, you copy him...

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unless you try and walk across.

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And then that will change to the green man, which means go.

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But in Dublin you have an additional man,

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the orange man in the middle,

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just to make absolutely sure.

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"Are you ready? Are you sure you're ready?

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"We're going to be crossing any moment now.

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"We're not going to take you from stationary to go, all right, get ready. GO! GO! GO!"

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I actually came here a month ago and it was kind of weird timing

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because in England we were going through this situation where we had this killer on the loose.

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He was on the loose for a week and he was hiding in the woods and it was a very tense affair.

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The whole of England, all the media, all the police in the country, were focused on this one big story,

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and I came here at exactly the same when Dublin - and I think this explains the differences very well -

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was focused on another story of a missing penguin...

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..which lead to one of the weirdest conversations I've ever had in a taxi.

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I sat in a taxi and the driver went, "So do you think we'll find him?"

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And I was like, "Well they're certainly searching."

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"I know they're all out there, but he's used to the outdoors."

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"Yes, apparently he's a survivalist.

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"Yes, yes, he's a survivalist, poor little fellow."

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"What d'you mean poor little fellow? You know he only tried to murder, he tried to murder his girlfriend."

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"I didn't know that about him."

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"He's on steroids." "You're joking."

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"I haven't read up on the subject.

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"This penguin's a lunatic!"

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What a fantastic story this was.

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So please correct me if I'm wrong, it was a stag night, is that right?

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Some people broke into Dublin Zoo

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in the middle of the night in a taxi, the taxi was waiting.

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"Dublin taxi drivers, we've learned not to ask questions."

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"Could you just wait here?" "Are you going to the cashpoint?"

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"Kind of."

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They put the penguin into a carrier bag and then I suppose

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they just couldn't stop laughing and dropped him off on O'Connell Street.

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They found him, didn't they, they found him and they put him back.

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You can imagine all the other penguins when he came back, they must have been...

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"What's the story?!"

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"Oh, it was unbelievable! I was asleep, I was asleep.

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"Shoosh and listen.

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"And the next thing I know I'm in a little bag, a small bag.

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"No, a Lidl - the German shopping centre.

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"And they just dropped me off on the corner of O'Connell Street."

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"Were you scared?"

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"I wasn't scared, there was signs up telling me that 117 humans had died,

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"but nothing about penguins at all."

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"Did you just stay on the corner of the road?"

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"Well, I did because there was a green man and an orange man

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"and a red man, but there was no penguins so I just stayed still."

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All right, ladies and gentleman, I'd like to bring on my first guest of the night.

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You're absolutely going to love this man, please welcome to the stage Mr Keith Farnan, ladies and gentlemen.

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Thank you. Hello, Dublin.

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Just to clear up one thing straightaway -

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no, I'm not the lovechild of Chuck Norris and the Bee Gees, so get that.

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I wasn't in The Hangover either.

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What's nice for me is I travel a lot over to England, I gig a lot

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in England and it's wonderful being an Irish comedian over in England because English women love Irish men.

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We are worshipped over there, we are worshipped.

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And you ask them what do they love about us and every one of them

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will tell you it's the accent, the accent they love, the accent.

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They never say the body, by the way.

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I have yet to hear one woman going, "Ooh, I love the pale, white, pasty skin...

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"and the Guinness belly,

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"and those flamingo legs."

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I mean, I can empathise, you can, Irishmen we're not the finest

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of physical specimens so we have to rely on the accent and the charm.

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No matter what you say about Irishmen,

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we're always very, very charming, or at least initially we're charming.

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And then drink becomes involved.

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I can't help but feel that if Irishmen didn't drink, we'd be Italian.

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LAUGHTER

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Any Italians here? No, they're off having sex somewhere, do you see that?

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I do get into trouble though when I go abroad, I do.

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I have gotten into trouble, but it's mostly to do with the drink.

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I know a lot of comedians will come up here and they'll tell you they don't drink any more.

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I do. I love my whiskey. I will drink whiskey with all of you till the cows come home.

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I will drink whiskey with you till we bring the cows home, we get the cows drunk, and we tip the cows over.

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The one thing I will never do, I will never do drugs...

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again.

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I got stoned once in my life, only once, I was out in Australia...

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don't know if there's Australians here tonight,

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probably working behind the bar. That's OK, that's where they belong.

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I was living in Sydney for six months with three women, you're thinking,

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"Ooh, how exciting," but they were three Cork women so no, no and no.

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People ask me what did I learn about living with three women.

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I learned a lot of things. I learned about sharing my space with a woman,

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I learned about how many times in a day I could possibly be wrong,

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and I learned the meaning of a word I've never heard of before,

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synchronisation.

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LAUGHTER

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You didn't tell us about that one, did you?

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For those of you who don't know, synchronisation means that if you live with more than woman,

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once a month you get the hell out of there.

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Even in the countries where the Irish are loved, I get into trouble.

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I was over in America, there's no greater place in the world to gig if you're an Irish comedian.

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There are 55 million Americans claim to be Irish,

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we only sent them 3 million.

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We're not that good.

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I was over there, all the clubs have different nights.

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The first night I was booked, all the clubs have different nights like Puerto Rican night, Latino night.

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I was obviously meant to be booked for UK and Ireland night,

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they accidently booked me for African American night.

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We were all surprised when I walked out on stage.

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I spent ten minutes pretending I was an albino, it's all I could think of.

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Eventually when I started speaking to the crowd, I said do you know what,

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when I grew up in Ireland I didn't have any black friends, it's not because I was racist in any way,

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it's simply when God set out his ice cream stall of the world, Ireland was the vanilla, that's all we were.

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God didn't want us to have any outside influence that

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may have lead to jazz or hip-hop or any sort of rhythm whatsoever.

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I think most people have figured out that Irish people don't even dance,

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we just stand in the same place till we get really angry at the floor.

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That's all we do, we just stand there till eventually we're just like,

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"I hate the floor, I hate the floor."

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Lines of people hating the floor at the same time.

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And that is why Riverdance is the result of poor ethnic diversity,

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ladies and gentleman, and if you like it you're a racist.

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APPLAUSE

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I flew in last night for this show.

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I was so excited, a few friends said let's go out and have a few drinks

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and get the hairy fellow drunk and see what happens.

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This was last night, and I know they got me drunk because I was

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in the corner of the bar that we were at thinking that I was being dark and mysterious

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when in fact I was asleep.

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And I woke up this morning, we'd gone drinking somewhere in Dublin, I couldn't tell you where,

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the only way I could retrace my steps was going through the drink receipts I found in my wallet.

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I swear to you I took them out,

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I was like "whiskey, whiskey, whiskey...

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"Whiskey and white wine!"

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I pulled.

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Hang on, where is she?

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"Whiskey and white wine, whiskey and white wine, whiskey..." Oh.

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"Double whiskey.

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"Kebab."

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LAUGHTER

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Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Keith Farnan, you've been wonderful.

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Well done. Brilliant stuff.

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Fantastic. Keith Farnan, ladies and gentlemen.

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Keith Farnan.

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Marvellous.

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Brilliant.

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Can I ask, did anybody get their exam results today or yesterday?

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-GIRL: Yes! DEEP MALE VOICE:

-Yes!

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A young girl down here and man up there who obviously re-took them.

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-DEEP VOICE:

-"I'll take them again, yeah.

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"I'll have another crack."

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Was it you? Hi, how did you do? Did you do all right?

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-Yes.

-You did good, congratulations.

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Was it grades, do you get A, B, like that?

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-Yes.

-Oh, yes, I saw it in the Irish Times, I was reading this morning.

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They only have the people who've done really well, those people going, "Ya-a-a-ay!"

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I wish on the next page they'd have all the losers, the people going "Boo-hoo...

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"I can't believe it!"

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A big, angry father in the background,

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"You'll amount to nothing!"

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So what are you going to do with your life, because you did well?

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Social Science.

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Social Science? OK. I don't know what that is, like science but more chatty.

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Well, good luck, well done. Staring her life, starting her life now.

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Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest of the evening?

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You are going to absolutely love this girl, she's going to be very successful.

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She's absolutely hilarious, without a doubt one of my favourites, what a pleasure to have her here.

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Please go wild for Miss Zoe Lyons!

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-Hello! AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

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Doubly nice for me to be here because I actually grew up in Ireland.

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I grew up in a little place called Ballypatrick in Tipperary.

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If you've heard of it we are so related.

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Are you in, Dadda?

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It's a small town... Well, town is pushing it. It's a small, little village, it's properly small.

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It's so small our telephone number was 5, that's how small.

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Our phone didn't even have a dial on it, it didn't.

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It had a little wind-up handle at the side... I don't know whether you remember these...

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My mum used to wind up the phone and it would go straight through

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to the post office and somebody there would put you through manually.

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My mum would phone and go, Hello, it's Julie.

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It's 5.

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Can you put me through to 4 please?

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And the woman in the post office was going, "Ah there's no point, Julie,

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"I've just seen her walking past the window now.

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"I can shout after her now if you like but there's no point really, she's out. Leave it."

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My first school was in Ireland. I went to one of those proper little

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rural schools where there was five classes in one room.

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If you went down a year, you just moved desk, that was it.

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We had one girl in our class who could read,

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but we had to burn her because we thought she was a witch.

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Nobody likes a show off, do they?

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That Bridget reading, where will that ever get you? No.

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Fuzzy Felt,

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that's the future.

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Fuzzy Felt and Playdough, it's bendy and it tastes great!

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My mum's English, I've inherited that sort of English awkwardness, do you know what I mean?

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We're feisty but don't know what to do with it, sort of...not sure.

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I saw a beautiful example of this a couple of weeks ago in London.

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I was walking down the South Bank in London and I saw two teenagers drinking cans of cider on a bench,

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drinking away and shouting abuse at tourists, and then

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one of them finished his can of cider and threw it on the floor like that.

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And his friend just looks and went, "Robert, no.

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"No. No.

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"We're binge drinkers, but we're not litterbugs."

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I get it myself though, that sort of angst, I'm not sure where to put it.

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I've discovered that I'm so English there's a part of me that doesn't even like to use my car horn any more

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in case it's interpreted too aggressively by the driver in front of me.

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It's pathetic, my car has a horn, I'll just sit there and go,

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"No, I won't use it, it comes across really angry. I'll just sit here."

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I think I need an English car horn for my English car.

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I need a car horn that just goes, "Ahem...

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"Sorry, it's just the lights have changed.

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"No, about five minutes ago. Sorry, was that overly aggressive?

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"I do apologise, I'm just late for a dialysis appointment. I'm so sorry."

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I'm an awkward person. I get myself into some awkward situations.

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I was in London and I walked into a shop and I caught sight of myself on a CCTV monitor.

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I don't know whether you've ever done this, I caught sight of myself and I went,

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"Oh, my God, is that me? Is that me? Is that me?"

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Because you're at a funny angle, so you've got to make sure it is you.

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So you end up doing the is-that-me dance into the CCTV monitor, in the shop going, "Is that me?

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"Is that me, is that me?

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"Is that... that is me, that is me."

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"Look at that. Look at the state of that.

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"Look at the hair on that."

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And I had this awful thought, I thought...

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if I go missing.

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LAUGHTER

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I've decided to look after myself a bit more, eat more healthily.

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I struggle with health food, I find health food quite smug.

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There's a health food shop round the corner from where I live and I often go in there,

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not to buy anything, you understand, just to slap a vegan round the face with a steak and run off.

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It's the little things in life that keep you going, isn't it?

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You just run in there... come on, you pasty-faced bugger, come on.

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Chase me. What's that burning smell?

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Protein, oh, yeah. Healthy protein, yeah.

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Why aren't you running? Because you fainted, you fainted.

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You fainted.

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I don't do the competitive aspect of life very well at all.

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I am the sort of person who will wander round a graveyard just

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to give myself a brief sense of one-upmanship.

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Do it, it's brilliant. You always come out feeling like a champion.

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"Who's winning? I'm winning. Yeah.

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"Dorothy, dead in 1859.

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"Beat yer, in your face, Dot."

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I hate competitive people. Everybody knows one of those people that says,

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"I'm sorry, Zoe, but I'm just really competitive in everything I do." I'm like, "Are you?

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"Well, then you're an arsehole.

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"But if it makes you feel any better, you're the best arsehole I have ever met."

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Do you ever meet people so stupid you go, "Oh, you're the reason tins of soup come with cooking instructions!"

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We see beautiful examples of people not thinking all around you, don't you?

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Flying over here today, I was on a plane... best way to fly I find...

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but there was no Row 13 on the plane.

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So I said to the stewardess, "No Row 13 on this plane?

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"Why is there no Row 13 on this plane?"

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She went, "Oh, it's because people think it's unlucky to sit in Row 13."

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I went, "Really?" There's obviously not a lot of thinking going on there is there, when you think.

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They think it's unlucky to sit in Row 13.

0:21:050:21:08

Now I am no aviation expert but I've done quite a bit of flying, right, and I have never been at 33,000 feet

0:21:080:21:14

with a very large gin and tonic and a packet of peanuts, and all of a sudden Row 13

0:21:140:21:20

seats A to F has dropped through the fuselage...

0:21:200:21:24

LAUGHTER

0:21:240:21:26

..and everybody else is carrying on quite merrily. I have never seen that.

0:21:260:21:33

People in Row 12 turning round going, "Oh, that was lucky wasn't it?

0:21:390:21:44

"That has just gone, hasn't it?"

0:21:440:21:46

People in 14 going, "Look at that leg room, brilliant.

0:21:480:21:52

"I didn't pay for that, brilliant."

0:21:520:21:54

Folks, thank you ever so much. I'm Zoe Lyons, goodnight. Cheers.

0:21:540:21:59

Love Zoe Lyons! Well done.

0:21:590:22:02

Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen!

0:22:020:22:06

Fantastic.

0:22:080:22:09

Let's talk to somebody.

0:22:110:22:13

Hi, how are you. You've got an enormous something in your pocket.

0:22:130:22:19

It's like Y-fronts. Could you pull it out of your pocket?

0:22:190:22:22

It's a hankie, it's a hankie.

0:22:220:22:24

It's a messy hankie, isn't it?

0:22:240:22:26

Some people wear a hankie with style, "Look, I'm a man of sophistication."

0:22:260:22:30

You've just got a big load of bog roll and stuffed it in there.

0:22:300:22:36

Your hankie's a mess, sir.

0:22:360:22:38

-Welcome, what's your name?

-Kevin.

0:22:400:22:43

-Hi, Kevin, and where are you from in Ireland?

-Limerick.

0:22:430:22:46

CHEERING

0:22:460:22:47

A little bit of support for Limerick. And what do you do?

0:22:470:22:50

-I'm a doctor.

-You're a doctor.

0:22:500:22:52

Oh, Kevin, it's good to know there's a doctor in the house.

0:22:520:22:55

If something happens to somebody I would say, "Is there a doctor in the house?" And you'd go, "Me."

0:22:550:22:59

And everyone would go, "A bit grubby with that thing in his shirt, is there another doctor perhaps?"

0:22:590:23:06

Is there another doctor?

0:23:060:23:08

Woo!

0:23:080:23:10

I don't trust that doctor either.

0:23:100:23:12

"Woo, come on, get a thermometer in you. Woo!"

0:23:120:23:17

Are you a GP, because I don't trust GPs. I don't think they do anything.

0:23:190:23:23

GPs don't really do anything. No, no, don't look at me like that.

0:23:230:23:25

GPs, they just know other people who know stuff.

0:23:250:23:28

You go to the GP, "Oh, my leg really hurts," and they go, "You want leg man, I'll write down his details.

0:23:280:23:34

"Find legman, I've written him down on a piece of paper."

0:23:340:23:37

"My ear is killing me." "You need ear man."

0:23:370:23:41

"I've got a headache."

0:23:410:23:43

"I know that one, Nurofen. Come on!

0:23:430:23:47

"And water."

0:23:470:23:49

APPLAUSE

0:23:490:23:53

I was in a hospital in London and I was in the waiting room... it was nothing serious, don't worry...

0:23:530:23:58

and there was this sign up in the waiting room that said "Thieves operate in this area".

0:23:580:24:05

Thieves are doing the operations in this hospital?

0:24:050:24:09

What kind of a shithole is this?

0:24:090:24:11

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest?

0:24:150:24:18

Please welcome to the stage a man who is an award-winning comic.

0:24:200:24:25

He's been a sensation and now you're going to find out why.

0:24:250:24:28

Please welcome to the stage Mr Andrew Lloyds, ladies and gentlemen.

0:24:280:24:31

Whoo, thank you very much, thank you.

0:24:390:24:41

What a lovely warm welcome.

0:24:410:24:43

It's lovely to be here. I'm nervous.

0:24:430:24:45

I always get nervous when I come on stage, I can't help it.

0:24:450:24:48

I hear people clapping and I've got the lights shining in my eyes,

0:24:480:24:53

suddenly the clapping stops, a little bit of wee comes out...

0:24:530:24:56

LAUGHTER

0:24:560:24:59

Anyway you can relax, I'm not entirely sure at this early stage whether I'm the actual comedian

0:24:590:25:04

or whether someone's just led me up here as part of some sort of care in the community scheme.

0:25:040:25:08

If you're thinking any minute now some mental health nurse is going to come up here and drag me away,

0:25:100:25:15

you couldn't be more wrong - she's dead.

0:25:150:25:18

I'm never quite sure how to start a gig, to be honest.

0:25:210:25:23

A lot of the time I come on and just acknowledge the fact that

0:25:230:25:26

I've got ginger hair, a creepy face, and a voice like a sex offender.

0:25:260:25:30

LAUGHTER

0:25:300:25:34

APPLAUSE

0:25:340:25:35

I think if I don't do that, audiences are sitting there a little bit baffled and confused thinking,

0:25:400:25:45

"What's going in the comedic sense? God's given this man so much

0:25:450:25:48

"to work with and yet he's using none of it, how could this be?"

0:25:480:25:51

It's lovely to be in Dublin. I'm glad I get nervous when I come on stage, I wouldn't want to be arrogant.

0:25:540:25:59

It's natural to get nervous to do this sort of thing, isn't it?

0:25:590:26:01

I wouldn't want to get arrogant, because comedy is a job that will slowly strip you of all your dignity.

0:26:010:26:07

My mum came to see me do a gig recently for the first time ever,

0:26:070:26:10

and she's Irish, she's from Dublin and she's wonderful.

0:26:100:26:13

She tries to encourage me in everything I do, but when she thinks

0:26:130:26:17

I'm rubbish at something, she's not all that good at concealing it.

0:26:170:26:21

"Ah, that was great, Andrew, you stepped on stage,

0:26:210:26:23

"you started talking, you carried on talking, not everybody was listening, but you didn't let that faze you.

0:26:230:26:28

"Carried on talking, you didn't even seem to stop to think about the next thing you were going to say.

0:26:370:26:42

"It's almost as if you had the whole thing planned out in advance - well done, son."

0:26:420:26:46

"There's more to it than that, Mum."

0:26:460:26:48

I know, at one stage you took the microphone out of the stand, started walking around, I thought,

0:26:480:26:52

"Stick to what you know, son!"

0:26:520:26:54

"Don't overreach yourself, don't get overambitious.

0:26:540:26:58

"You did very well, you left the stage at the end, enough people clapped so it wasn't embarrassing."

0:26:580:27:03

"There's more to it, Mum, you should come and see me do another gig.

0:27:030:27:06

"It's more about me trying to make people laugh. Come and see me again."

0:27:060:27:09

"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to do that, I'd be bored out of my mind, Andrew."

0:27:090:27:12

But it's a privilege, a genuine privilege to be here.

0:27:200:27:23

I never thought I'd get to do something fun and interesting for a job.

0:27:230:27:26

I went to a rubbish school, nobody ever told you you had any potential.

0:27:260:27:30

Head teacher used to stand at the front at Assembly and say things like, "Now remember as you journey

0:27:300:27:35

"out into the world whatever your expectations are of life, lower them,

0:27:350:27:40

"lower them, lower them as far as you possibly can.

0:27:400:27:44

"Bury those expectations in a deep, dark, psychological hole.

0:27:440:27:48

"Once you've done that, whatever remains of your expectations,

0:27:480:27:52

"accept and acknowledge they will never ever come to any fruition.

0:27:520:27:55

"Put your shoes on, go out and get a job you don't like,

0:27:550:27:58

"enter into a loveless marriage, drink heavily, pretend you're happy.

0:27:580:28:01

"Don't complain, never complain, get on with things quietly, wait patiently for death.

0:28:010:28:05

"Death will inevitably come

0:28:050:28:07

"and when it does, trust me, you'll be more than grateful."

0:28:070:28:10

I get quite angry about things sometimes.

0:28:180:28:21

Get wound up, drink too much coffee.

0:28:210:28:23

All the time I go in these chain coffee shops, it drives me mad the way they train the poor people

0:28:230:28:28

who work in these places to treat the customers like idiots.

0:28:280:28:31

"Can I help you?" "I'll have a large black coffee, please."

0:28:310:28:34

"Would you like a raspberry muffin with that?"

0:28:340:28:36

"No, why are you asking me stupid unnecessary questions?

0:28:360:28:39

"You asked me what I wanted, I told you - a large black coffee.

0:28:390:28:42

"If I wanted a raspberry muffin I would have said I'll have a large black coffee and a raspberry muffin.

0:28:420:28:47

"I didn't say that because I never wanted a raspberry muffin.

0:28:470:28:49

"I've had an opportunity to have a look over the glass counter

0:28:490:28:52

"at all the confectionery on offer and think do I want any of this.

0:28:520:28:54

"The conclusion I came to is no, no I don't.

0:28:540:28:57

"Yet somehow in the moment between me deciding what I wanted and making

0:28:570:28:59

"my order, you imagine I've forgotten what I wanted. I haven't, I haven't.

0:28:590:29:03

"Why are you asking me stupid, offensive questions?

0:29:030:29:05

"I never asked you stupid offensive questions, do I?" "Can I help you?"

0:29:050:29:08

"Large black coffee." "2.50 please."

0:29:080:29:09

"Certainly, do you want a punch in the face?"

0:29:090:29:12

I don't do a lot of... Some comedians come on and sort of chat to people in the front row.

0:29:200:29:25

I got bored with doing that, asking questions, where are you from, what do you do.

0:29:250:29:29

Not interested, I've got my own problems.

0:29:290:29:31

I don't like that question, what do you do for a living?

0:29:310:29:34

Comedian is one of those jobs people find out what you do for a living, they want something for free.

0:29:340:29:38

"What do you do for a living?" "I'm a comedian." "Tell us a joke."

0:29:380:29:40

You rarely get that in other walks of live. "What d'you do for a living?"

0:29:400:29:43

"I'm a cleaner." "Empty my bins." It never happens.

0:29:430:29:45

I'm trying to save up - I'd love to be a homeowner at some stage.

0:29:490:29:52

It's impossible for younger people to get on the property ladder, isn't it?

0:29:520:29:55

I keep on switching on the television and seeing these nauseating repeats of property programmes like...

0:29:550:30:00

Gary and Michelle are air stewards.

0:30:000:30:03

They're looking for a two-bedroom townhouse in North London in the region of £3 million. What?

0:30:030:30:08

Where did Gary and Michelle get £3 million from? I have nothing!

0:30:100:30:14

My girlfriend says, "Andrew we should go on one of those property programmes."

0:30:140:30:19

Oh, what a good idea(!) Andrew and his girlfriend are first-time buyers

0:30:190:30:22

with an erratic income looking for a property in the region of £150,000.

0:30:220:30:25

Today we'll be showing them an array of squalid ex-council flats in undesirable areas.

0:30:250:30:30

Let's see how they get on as they enter into this first property,

0:30:300:30:32

who notices a crack addict sleeping in the stairwell?

0:30:320:30:36

Watch out for the pit bull terrier, in the hallway. There's a turd on the carpet,

0:30:360:30:39

don't know how long that's been there but there's a tree growing out of it.

0:30:390:30:41

Property's on the market for 175, good news is the owner is prepared

0:30:410:30:45

to listen to offers in exchange for sexual favours. Whoohoo!

0:30:450:30:49

It's the old people's fault, the old people's fault I can't get on the property ladder.

0:30:490:30:54

If there's any old people in tonight, I want to say congratulations - you've done a wonderful job.

0:30:540:30:58

You messed up the environment and you plunged us all into global economic crisis.

0:30:580:31:02

Gave yourself cheap housing, full employment, free education, you had a wonderful time.

0:31:020:31:06

You sold my generation down the river and now you expect me to pick up the pieces of your broken world.

0:31:060:31:10

Ha-ha-ha, you disgust me, old people.

0:31:100:31:12

These days the kids go out of university with their degree and their five-figure student loan debt,

0:31:190:31:23

there's no job for them because you old people won't retire.

0:31:230:31:26

Just go on working year after year, clogging up the job market, then you do retire but you won't die.

0:31:260:31:31

Why won't you die?

0:31:310:31:33

Why can't you just die?

0:31:330:31:35

Thanks for coming.

0:31:350:31:38

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute privilege, goodnight. Thank you so much.

0:31:380:31:41

Fantastic. Well done.

0:31:440:31:47

Andrew Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen, fantastic.

0:31:470:31:51

There's nobody quite like Andrew Lawrence.

0:31:510:31:54

Can I talk to you about Gaelic football?

0:31:580:32:01

CHEERING

0:32:010:32:03

It looks like a fun game, Gaelic. Gay-lick.

0:32:030:32:07

Gay-lick.

0:32:100:32:13

"Are you coming outside with us, boys, for some Gaelic?"

0:32:130:32:17

"No, thank you.

0:32:170:32:19

"Think I'm going to give that one a miss."

0:32:190:32:22

You didn't like that, did you, sir? He's sitting there going,

0:32:240:32:27

"You'll be stopped saying Gaelic like that, my friend."

0:32:280:32:32

It's like politicians say "I have a mandate." A man-date? Whoo.

0:32:320:32:37

I don't want to know about your private life.

0:32:400:32:43

My man-date is to play more gay-lick. Mmmm.

0:32:430:32:47

Yeah, yeah, baby.

0:32:500:32:51

Ladies and gentlemen of Dublin, it is time for your headliner!

0:32:540:32:58

CHEERING

0:32:580:33:00

When I heard that we were doing this show, I wanted to come here, I was desperate to come here.

0:33:000:33:06

I've always enjoyed gigging here and there was only one comedian that I wanted to headline the show,

0:33:060:33:11

because he is genuinely one of my favourite comedians working anywhere in the world.

0:33:110:33:15

So please welcome Mr Tommy Tiernan to the stage.

0:33:150:33:17

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

0:33:170:33:20

Thank you, thank you very much.

0:33:360:33:38

My goodness, there we are.

0:33:380:33:40

Difficult times, folks, difficult times.

0:33:400:33:43

LAUGHTER

0:33:440:33:47

Came here in a big car...

0:33:470:33:49

..big huge car,

0:33:500:33:53

big car that doesn't suit me.

0:33:530:33:55

Bought a big fancy car when times were good, you know, and it doesn't suit me.

0:33:550:34:00

I know it doesn't suit me because I drove past my reflection

0:34:000:34:03

in a shop window and before I knew who it was, I called him an arsehole.

0:34:030:34:07

Who do you think you are in you big fancy car?

0:34:110:34:15

If you don't believe the fingers, I'll start by hitting you.

0:34:150:34:17

We found out when times were good that money doesn't suit Irish people,

0:34:210:34:26

you know. We gave a go, didn't we?

0:34:260:34:30

It's like economists are telling us now that we screwed up the good times by spending all our money.

0:34:300:34:37

That's what we were supposed to do,

0:34:390:34:42

that's why they were called the good times.

0:34:420:34:44

You can't be saving your money during the good times because then they're not the good times.

0:34:460:34:50

Then they're the "in preparation for the bad times" times.

0:34:500:34:53

When we had money, we tried things.

0:34:560:34:58

We tried things that didn't suit us but at least we gave it a go.

0:34:580:35:02

We went skiing!

0:35:020:35:03

Irish people skiing - we get panic attacks

0:35:060:35:09

if we're in a house with more than one set of stairs.

0:35:090:35:12

"Get away from the banister, Michael, get away.

0:35:140:35:18

"This place is a death trap, get away!"

0:35:180:35:20

But we gave it a go.

0:35:250:35:27

Was there anything more frightening to the posh people of Europe up there in the Alps

0:35:270:35:33

with their designer gear, all Dolce and Gabbana and Prada and Gucci?

0:35:330:35:38

We were there head-to-toe Aldi.

0:35:380:35:42

Aldi skiing gear,

0:35:510:35:53

we were in the nip by the time we got to the bottom of the hill.

0:35:530:35:57

The stuff disintegrated if you went faster than 5mph.

0:36:000:36:04

Ski school, no, thanks.

0:36:040:36:07

A drink at altitude, yes.

0:36:070:36:08

The whole world now seemingly is in recession.

0:36:110:36:14

You know, we're told Germany, Germany owes 100 million billion

0:36:140:36:20

billion

0:36:200:36:23

trillion million greiben gruben schladen.

0:36:230:36:29

Trillion!

0:36:290:36:31

England owes million billion

0:36:310:36:36

billion zillion billion million billion...

0:36:360:36:40

billion.

0:36:490:36:51

America, America owes...

0:36:520:36:53

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!

0:36:530:36:56

It's not even a number, just a noise.

0:37:040:37:07

You're in trouble when you owe that much, aren't you?

0:37:070:37:10

"What's on your credit card?"

0:37:100:37:12

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!

0:37:120:37:15

Every country in the world owes money, but to who?

0:37:170:37:21

Who does everybody in the world owe money to...

0:37:240:37:27

and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?

0:37:270:37:30

Tough times.

0:37:400:37:41

I have five children.

0:37:410:37:44

-Woo!

-Woo!

0:37:440:37:46

Yes, thank you.

0:37:460:37:47

Five children, yeah.

0:37:470:37:49

The only other people who have five children are movie superstars, aren't they?

0:37:510:37:55

People like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, how many kids do they have?

0:37:550:38:00

They're all from different parts of the world.

0:38:000:38:04

And I know nothing...

0:38:040:38:05

about Brad Pitt but I wouldn't say it's his idea.

0:38:070:38:11

He's just going with the flow, like, isn't he?

0:38:140:38:17

Sure, she's lipped like a duvet, he'd do anything for her.

0:38:170:38:20

I would say.

0:38:220:38:23

I'd say there's mornings Brad comes down into the kitchen with a big stoner head on him,

0:38:270:38:33

bumping into some young fella that he's never laid eyes on before.

0:38:330:38:38

"Well, hello there, little man, and where are you from?"

0:38:400:38:44

picking up the child to see if there's a country of origin sticker on him.

0:38:440:38:47

No, I would love to adopt, I'd love to do that.

0:38:510:38:55

I think it's a great thing to do, you know, but I only want to adopt talented children.

0:38:550:39:01

Pasty-faced, uncoordinated Irish kids, I can make them myself.

0:39:010:39:06

There was a talent show on in my kids' school recently,

0:39:120:39:16

and an eight-year-old girl did a tumble onto a mattress...

0:39:160:39:21

at a talent show! That's all she did.

0:39:250:39:28

And it was touch and go if she was going to make it there for a while.

0:39:280:39:32

She came down with a thwack, and she stood up

0:39:350:39:40

as if she'd won an Olympic medal,

0:39:400:39:43

and we had to clap. And I was there, "What is this shit?!"

0:39:430:39:48

Then these two Chinese kids got up that had been adopted,

0:39:520:39:56

they were playing the violin as if their lives depended on it...

0:39:560:40:00

because they did.

0:40:000:40:02

They were incredible.

0:40:040:40:06

One young fellow was only looking at the violin and it was singing at him.

0:40:060:40:11

They're the kind of kids I want. I want to go to orphanages and hold auditions

0:40:110:40:18

for a new show called Who Wants To Be a Tiernan?

0:40:180:40:21

It's hard when you've got five children to find time to make love to your wife,

0:40:310:40:35

you know, it's hard.

0:40:350:40:38

We don't get much sleep and I snore.

0:40:380:40:42

I don't know for a fact that I snore.

0:40:420:40:45

It's what she says after she hits me.

0:40:450:40:49

"Huh?"

0:40:500:40:53

"You're snoring."

0:40:530:40:54

"It's the elephant's turn to take a penalty.

0:40:540:40:57

"What's going on here like? What?

0:41:040:41:08

"I was snoring, seriously? Was I?

0:41:080:41:11

"Aargh.

0:41:110:41:13

"Did I wake you up, yeah?

0:41:130:41:16

"Aargh, sure I would have slept through the whole thing.

0:41:160:41:18

"No, I'm glad you woke me up, seriously.

0:41:210:41:24

"There's no point in one of us getting a night's rest.

0:41:240:41:27

"We both have to be exhausted in the morning so we know how the other one feels."

0:41:310:41:36

You can't leave lovemaking till last thing at night because you're too exhausted.

0:41:380:41:44

Best time to make love is about 11 o'clock in the morning, OK, the three older kids have gone to school,

0:41:440:41:50

the two younger kids are having their midmorning nap, Daddy follows Mammy upstairs in the hope of quick relief.

0:41:500:41:56

Now the only problem with this is you end up making love to whatever music

0:41:560:42:01

is putting the children to sleep, that's just the way it is.

0:42:010:42:04

# Twinkle twinkle little star

0:42:090:42:13

# How I wonder what you are... #

0:42:130:42:19

# Three little kittens have lost their mittens and don't know where to find them

0:42:190:42:24

# Mother dear, oh, did you hear We have lost our mittens?

0:42:280:42:33

# You've lost your mittens

0:42:330:42:36

# You naughty kittens You shall have no tea

0:42:360:42:39

# Oh, Mother dear, oh, did you hear We have found our mittens

0:42:390:42:42

# You've found your mittens You lovely kittens... #

0:42:420:42:46

# Row, row, row your boat... #

0:42:460:42:48

Dublin, you're a mighty bunch of people.

0:42:480:42:50

Thank you very much, goodnight.

0:42:500:42:53

RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE

0:42:530:42:56

Thank you so much.

0:43:000:43:02

Tommy Tiernan, that was superb. Fantastic.

0:43:020:43:07

What an absolute pleasure.

0:43:070:43:09

So, ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for everybody we had tonight.

0:43:090:43:14

We had the fantastic Keith Farnan here, we love Keith Farnan.

0:43:140:43:18

The wonderful Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen.

0:43:180:43:23

Fantastic Andrew Lawrence was here.

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And the absolutely legendary Tommy Tiernan.

0:43:260:43:33

Thank you very much. Goodnight everybody, thank you.

0:43:330:43:36

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:43:530:43:56

E-mail [email protected]

0:43:560:44:00

Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow heads across the sea to the Olympia Theatre in Dublin, where Michael introduces Andrew Lawrence, Keith Farnan and Zoe Lyons, plus Irish favourite Tommy Tiernan.


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