Dublin Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a big Dublin welcome to Michael McIntyre!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hello.

Good evening and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!

Right here from my favourite city of them all...

it's Dublin!

I arrived a couple of days ago, they've got these

iris recognition scanners now in the airport for your eyes.

There was an Irishman working on it, he said,

"Would you like to step forward into the Irish Recognition Scanner?"

You have scanners for recognising Irish people?

Do you not use the normal passport system?

You've been losing your passports?

I'm Irish, scan me.

There's green blood pumping through these veins.

And I've been getting into some of your terminologies.

I was coming through immigration, always a tense affair, because you don't know if they'll let you in,

and this bloke went, "What's the story?"

I have never heard this expression.

It totally freaked me out. I was looking at my wife going, "We need a story to get into this country.

"Have you got any stories?

"I don't know, anything that's a narrative.

"Have you got some children's books? We're coming up with something...

"There were three little pigs... #

Story! I love that - you shorten it to "Story!"

In England we just stick to "How are you?" which we normally answer with "How are you?"

We tend not to even answer the question.

"How are you? How are you?" We're fine with that, we don't question it.

It's probably the only question you can answer with exactly the same question and nobody really cares.

"How are you? How are you?" You can't go, "Can you pass the salt?

"Can you pass the salt?" That wouldn't make sense.

So I've hired a car, I've driven around Ireland, which is thrilling

if not a little bit tense as I'm reminded of how many people have died on every one of your roads.

It doesn't make you feel better.

I'm planning my journeys now to get myself statistically the best chance of surviving.

Do you have it on your Irish Sat Navs,

"Would you like to pass this route or the one you might not die on?"

Do you think that reading statistics is going to make you drive safer?

If you didn't have the sign, if there was no sign on the road,

this is how you would drive down the road.

With the sign, you drive down it, and I've been there, and you go whooo.

So, ladies and gentlemen of Dublin, are we having a drink tonight?

AUDIENCE: Y-E-E-E-ES!

This is what I love about Dublin, you don't mess around when it comes to your drink.

There are various clues around the city that you like a drink,

for example when you're crossing the road you have the green man, who's go, and the red man is stop.

In England we have this red man, who's like this,

and you know you mustn't go.

You copy him, you copy him...

unless you try and walk across.

And then that will change to the green man, which means go.

But in Dublin you have an additional man,

the orange man in the middle,

just to make absolutely sure.

"Are you ready? Are you sure you're ready?

"We're going to be crossing any moment now.

"We're not going to take you from stationary to go, all right, get ready. GO! GO! GO!"

I actually came here a month ago and it was kind of weird timing

because in England we were going through this situation where we had this killer on the loose.

He was on the loose for a week and he was hiding in the woods and it was a very tense affair.

The whole of England, all the media, all the police in the country, were focused on this one big story,

and I came here at exactly the same when Dublin - and I think this explains the differences very well -

was focused on another story of a missing penguin...

..which lead to one of the weirdest conversations I've ever had in a taxi.

I sat in a taxi and the driver went, "So do you think we'll find him?"

And I was like, "Well they're certainly searching."

"I know they're all out there, but he's used to the outdoors."

"Yes, apparently he's a survivalist.

"Yes, yes, he's a survivalist, poor little fellow."

"What d'you mean poor little fellow? You know he only tried to murder, he tried to murder his girlfriend."

"I didn't know that about him."

"He's on steroids." "You're joking."

"I haven't read up on the subject.

"This penguin's a lunatic!"

What a fantastic story this was.

So please correct me if I'm wrong, it was a stag night, is that right?

Some people broke into Dublin Zoo

in the middle of the night in a taxi, the taxi was waiting.

"Dublin taxi drivers, we've learned not to ask questions."

"Could you just wait here?" "Are you going to the cashpoint?"

"Kind of."

They put the penguin into a carrier bag and then I suppose

they just couldn't stop laughing and dropped him off on O'Connell Street.

They found him, didn't they, they found him and they put him back.

You can imagine all the other penguins when he came back, they must have been...

"What's the story?!"

"Oh, it was unbelievable! I was asleep, I was asleep.

"Shoosh and listen.

"And the next thing I know I'm in a little bag, a small bag.

"No, a Lidl - the German shopping centre.

"And they just dropped me off on the corner of O'Connell Street."

"Were you scared?"

"I wasn't scared, there was signs up telling me that 117 humans had died,

"but nothing about penguins at all."

"Did you just stay on the corner of the road?"

"Well, I did because there was a green man and an orange man

"and a red man, but there was no penguins so I just stayed still."

All right, ladies and gentleman, I'd like to bring on my first guest of the night.

You're absolutely going to love this man, please welcome to the stage Mr Keith Farnan, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you. Hello, Dublin.

Just to clear up one thing straightaway -

no, I'm not the lovechild of Chuck Norris and the Bee Gees, so get that.

I wasn't in The Hangover either.

What's nice for me is I travel a lot over to England, I gig a lot

in England and it's wonderful being an Irish comedian over in England because English women love Irish men.

We are worshipped over there, we are worshipped.

And you ask them what do they love about us and every one of them

will tell you it's the accent, the accent they love, the accent.

They never say the body, by the way.

I have yet to hear one woman going, "Ooh, I love the pale, white, pasty skin...

"and the Guinness belly,

"and those flamingo legs."

I mean, I can empathise, you can, Irishmen we're not the finest

of physical specimens so we have to rely on the accent and the charm.

No matter what you say about Irishmen,

we're always very, very charming, or at least initially we're charming.

And then drink becomes involved.

I can't help but feel that if Irishmen didn't drink, we'd be Italian.

LAUGHTER

Any Italians here? No, they're off having sex somewhere, do you see that?

I do get into trouble though when I go abroad, I do.

I have gotten into trouble, but it's mostly to do with the drink.

I know a lot of comedians will come up here and they'll tell you they don't drink any more.

I do. I love my whiskey. I will drink whiskey with all of you till the cows come home.

I will drink whiskey with you till we bring the cows home, we get the cows drunk, and we tip the cows over.

The one thing I will never do, I will never do drugs...

again.

I got stoned once in my life, only once, I was out in Australia...

don't know if there's Australians here tonight,

probably working behind the bar. That's OK, that's where they belong.

I was living in Sydney for six months with three women, you're thinking,

"Ooh, how exciting," but they were three Cork women so no, no and no.

People ask me what did I learn about living with three women.

I learned a lot of things. I learned about sharing my space with a woman,

I learned about how many times in a day I could possibly be wrong,

and I learned the meaning of a word I've never heard of before,

synchronisation.

LAUGHTER

You didn't tell us about that one, did you?

For those of you who don't know, synchronisation means that if you live with more than woman,

once a month you get the hell out of there.

Even in the countries where the Irish are loved, I get into trouble.

I was over in America, there's no greater place in the world to gig if you're an Irish comedian.

There are 55 million Americans claim to be Irish,

we only sent them 3 million.

We're not that good.

I was over there, all the clubs have different nights.

The first night I was booked, all the clubs have different nights like Puerto Rican night, Latino night.

I was obviously meant to be booked for UK and Ireland night,

they accidently booked me for African American night.

We were all surprised when I walked out on stage.

I spent ten minutes pretending I was an albino, it's all I could think of.

Eventually when I started speaking to the crowd, I said do you know what,

when I grew up in Ireland I didn't have any black friends, it's not because I was racist in any way,

it's simply when God set out his ice cream stall of the world, Ireland was the vanilla, that's all we were.

God didn't want us to have any outside influence that

may have lead to jazz or hip-hop or any sort of rhythm whatsoever.

I think most people have figured out that Irish people don't even dance,

we just stand in the same place till we get really angry at the floor.

That's all we do, we just stand there till eventually we're just like,

"I hate the floor, I hate the floor."

Lines of people hating the floor at the same time.

And that is why Riverdance is the result of poor ethnic diversity,

ladies and gentleman, and if you like it you're a racist.

APPLAUSE

I flew in last night for this show.

I was so excited, a few friends said let's go out and have a few drinks

and get the hairy fellow drunk and see what happens.

This was last night, and I know they got me drunk because I was

in the corner of the bar that we were at thinking that I was being dark and mysterious

when in fact I was asleep.

And I woke up this morning, we'd gone drinking somewhere in Dublin, I couldn't tell you where,

the only way I could retrace my steps was going through the drink receipts I found in my wallet.

I swear to you I took them out,

I was like "whiskey, whiskey, whiskey...

"Whiskey and white wine!"

I pulled.

Hang on, where is she?

"Whiskey and white wine, whiskey and white wine, whiskey..." Oh.

"Double whiskey.

"Kebab."

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Keith Farnan, you've been wonderful.

Well done. Brilliant stuff.

Fantastic. Keith Farnan, ladies and gentlemen.

Keith Farnan.

Marvellous.

Brilliant.

Can I ask, did anybody get their exam results today or yesterday?

-GIRL: Yes! DEEP MALE VOICE:

-Yes!

A young girl down here and man up there who obviously re-took them.

-DEEP VOICE:

-"I'll take them again, yeah.

"I'll have another crack."

Was it you? Hi, how did you do? Did you do all right?

-Yes.

-You did good, congratulations.

Was it grades, do you get A, B, like that?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes, I saw it in the Irish Times, I was reading this morning.

They only have the people who've done really well, those people going, "Ya-a-a-ay!"

I wish on the next page they'd have all the losers, the people going "Boo-hoo...

"I can't believe it!"

A big, angry father in the background,

"You'll amount to nothing!"

So what are you going to do with your life, because you did well?

Social Science.

Social Science? OK. I don't know what that is, like science but more chatty.

Well, good luck, well done. Staring her life, starting her life now.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest of the evening?

You are going to absolutely love this girl, she's going to be very successful.

She's absolutely hilarious, without a doubt one of my favourites, what a pleasure to have her here.

Please go wild for Miss Zoe Lyons!

-Hello! AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

Doubly nice for me to be here because I actually grew up in Ireland.

I grew up in a little place called Ballypatrick in Tipperary.

If you've heard of it we are so related.

Are you in, Dadda?

It's a small town... Well, town is pushing it. It's a small, little village, it's properly small.

It's so small our telephone number was 5, that's how small.

Our phone didn't even have a dial on it, it didn't.

It had a little wind-up handle at the side... I don't know whether you remember these...

My mum used to wind up the phone and it would go straight through

to the post office and somebody there would put you through manually.

My mum would phone and go, Hello, it's Julie.

It's 5.

Can you put me through to 4 please?

And the woman in the post office was going, "Ah there's no point, Julie,

"I've just seen her walking past the window now.

"I can shout after her now if you like but there's no point really, she's out. Leave it."

My first school was in Ireland. I went to one of those proper little

rural schools where there was five classes in one room.

If you went down a year, you just moved desk, that was it.

We had one girl in our class who could read,

but we had to burn her because we thought she was a witch.

Nobody likes a show off, do they?

That Bridget reading, where will that ever get you? No.

Fuzzy Felt,

that's the future.

Fuzzy Felt and Playdough, it's bendy and it tastes great!

My mum's English, I've inherited that sort of English awkwardness, do you know what I mean?

We're feisty but don't know what to do with it, sort of...not sure.

I saw a beautiful example of this a couple of weeks ago in London.

I was walking down the South Bank in London and I saw two teenagers drinking cans of cider on a bench,

drinking away and shouting abuse at tourists, and then

one of them finished his can of cider and threw it on the floor like that.

And his friend just looks and went, "Robert, no.

"No. No.

"We're binge drinkers, but we're not litterbugs."

I get it myself though, that sort of angst, I'm not sure where to put it.

I've discovered that I'm so English there's a part of me that doesn't even like to use my car horn any more

in case it's interpreted too aggressively by the driver in front of me.

It's pathetic, my car has a horn, I'll just sit there and go,

"No, I won't use it, it comes across really angry. I'll just sit here."

I think I need an English car horn for my English car.

I need a car horn that just goes, "Ahem...

"Sorry, it's just the lights have changed.

"No, about five minutes ago. Sorry, was that overly aggressive?

"I do apologise, I'm just late for a dialysis appointment. I'm so sorry."

I'm an awkward person. I get myself into some awkward situations.

I was in London and I walked into a shop and I caught sight of myself on a CCTV monitor.

I don't know whether you've ever done this, I caught sight of myself and I went,

"Oh, my God, is that me? Is that me? Is that me?"

Because you're at a funny angle, so you've got to make sure it is you.

So you end up doing the is-that-me dance into the CCTV monitor, in the shop going, "Is that me?

"Is that me, is that me?

"Is that... that is me, that is me."

"Look at that. Look at the state of that.

"Look at the hair on that."

And I had this awful thought, I thought...

if I go missing.

LAUGHTER

I've decided to look after myself a bit more, eat more healthily.

I struggle with health food, I find health food quite smug.

There's a health food shop round the corner from where I live and I often go in there,

not to buy anything, you understand, just to slap a vegan round the face with a steak and run off.

It's the little things in life that keep you going, isn't it?

You just run in there... come on, you pasty-faced bugger, come on.

Chase me. What's that burning smell?

Protein, oh, yeah. Healthy protein, yeah.

Why aren't you running? Because you fainted, you fainted.

You fainted.

I don't do the competitive aspect of life very well at all.

I am the sort of person who will wander round a graveyard just

to give myself a brief sense of one-upmanship.

Do it, it's brilliant. You always come out feeling like a champion.

"Who's winning? I'm winning. Yeah.

"Dorothy, dead in 1859.

"Beat yer, in your face, Dot."

I hate competitive people. Everybody knows one of those people that says,

"I'm sorry, Zoe, but I'm just really competitive in everything I do." I'm like, "Are you?

"Well, then you're an arsehole.

"But if it makes you feel any better, you're the best arsehole I have ever met."

Do you ever meet people so stupid you go, "Oh, you're the reason tins of soup come with cooking instructions!"

We see beautiful examples of people not thinking all around you, don't you?

Flying over here today, I was on a plane... best way to fly I find...

but there was no Row 13 on the plane.

So I said to the stewardess, "No Row 13 on this plane?

"Why is there no Row 13 on this plane?"

She went, "Oh, it's because people think it's unlucky to sit in Row 13."

I went, "Really?" There's obviously not a lot of thinking going on there is there, when you think.

They think it's unlucky to sit in Row 13.

Now I am no aviation expert but I've done quite a bit of flying, right, and I have never been at 33,000 feet

with a very large gin and tonic and a packet of peanuts, and all of a sudden Row 13

seats A to F has dropped through the fuselage...

LAUGHTER

..and everybody else is carrying on quite merrily. I have never seen that.

People in Row 12 turning round going, "Oh, that was lucky wasn't it?

"That has just gone, hasn't it?"

People in 14 going, "Look at that leg room, brilliant.

"I didn't pay for that, brilliant."

Folks, thank you ever so much. I'm Zoe Lyons, goodnight. Cheers.

Love Zoe Lyons! Well done.

Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen!

Fantastic.

Let's talk to somebody.

Hi, how are you. You've got an enormous something in your pocket.

It's like Y-fronts. Could you pull it out of your pocket?

It's a hankie, it's a hankie.

It's a messy hankie, isn't it?

Some people wear a hankie with style, "Look, I'm a man of sophistication."

You've just got a big load of bog roll and stuffed it in there.

Your hankie's a mess, sir.

-Welcome, what's your name?

-Kevin.

-Hi, Kevin, and where are you from in Ireland?

-Limerick.

CHEERING

A little bit of support for Limerick. And what do you do?

-I'm a doctor.

-You're a doctor.

Oh, Kevin, it's good to know there's a doctor in the house.

If something happens to somebody I would say, "Is there a doctor in the house?" And you'd go, "Me."

And everyone would go, "A bit grubby with that thing in his shirt, is there another doctor perhaps?"

Is there another doctor?

Woo!

I don't trust that doctor either.

"Woo, come on, get a thermometer in you. Woo!"

Are you a GP, because I don't trust GPs. I don't think they do anything.

GPs don't really do anything. No, no, don't look at me like that.

GPs, they just know other people who know stuff.

You go to the GP, "Oh, my leg really hurts," and they go, "You want leg man, I'll write down his details.

"Find legman, I've written him down on a piece of paper."

"My ear is killing me." "You need ear man."

"I've got a headache."

"I know that one, Nurofen. Come on!

"And water."

APPLAUSE

I was in a hospital in London and I was in the waiting room... it was nothing serious, don't worry...

and there was this sign up in the waiting room that said "Thieves operate in this area".

Thieves are doing the operations in this hospital?

What kind of a shithole is this?

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest?

Please welcome to the stage a man who is an award-winning comic.

He's been a sensation and now you're going to find out why.

Please welcome to the stage Mr Andrew Lloyds, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoo, thank you very much, thank you.

What a lovely warm welcome.

It's lovely to be here. I'm nervous.

I always get nervous when I come on stage, I can't help it.

I hear people clapping and I've got the lights shining in my eyes,

suddenly the clapping stops, a little bit of wee comes out...

LAUGHTER

Anyway you can relax, I'm not entirely sure at this early stage whether I'm the actual comedian

or whether someone's just led me up here as part of some sort of care in the community scheme.

If you're thinking any minute now some mental health nurse is going to come up here and drag me away,

you couldn't be more wrong - she's dead.

I'm never quite sure how to start a gig, to be honest.

A lot of the time I come on and just acknowledge the fact that

I've got ginger hair, a creepy face, and a voice like a sex offender.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think if I don't do that, audiences are sitting there a little bit baffled and confused thinking,

"What's going in the comedic sense? God's given this man so much

"to work with and yet he's using none of it, how could this be?"

It's lovely to be in Dublin. I'm glad I get nervous when I come on stage, I wouldn't want to be arrogant.

It's natural to get nervous to do this sort of thing, isn't it?

I wouldn't want to get arrogant, because comedy is a job that will slowly strip you of all your dignity.

My mum came to see me do a gig recently for the first time ever,

and she's Irish, she's from Dublin and she's wonderful.

She tries to encourage me in everything I do, but when she thinks

I'm rubbish at something, she's not all that good at concealing it.

"Ah, that was great, Andrew, you stepped on stage,

"you started talking, you carried on talking, not everybody was listening, but you didn't let that faze you.

"Carried on talking, you didn't even seem to stop to think about the next thing you were going to say.

"It's almost as if you had the whole thing planned out in advance - well done, son."

"There's more to it than that, Mum."

I know, at one stage you took the microphone out of the stand, started walking around, I thought,

"Stick to what you know, son!"

"Don't overreach yourself, don't get overambitious.

"You did very well, you left the stage at the end, enough people clapped so it wasn't embarrassing."

"There's more to it, Mum, you should come and see me do another gig.

"It's more about me trying to make people laugh. Come and see me again."

"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to do that, I'd be bored out of my mind, Andrew."

But it's a privilege, a genuine privilege to be here.

I never thought I'd get to do something fun and interesting for a job.

I went to a rubbish school, nobody ever told you you had any potential.

Head teacher used to stand at the front at Assembly and say things like, "Now remember as you journey

"out into the world whatever your expectations are of life, lower them,

"lower them, lower them as far as you possibly can.

"Bury those expectations in a deep, dark, psychological hole.

"Once you've done that, whatever remains of your expectations,

"accept and acknowledge they will never ever come to any fruition.

"Put your shoes on, go out and get a job you don't like,

"enter into a loveless marriage, drink heavily, pretend you're happy.

"Don't complain, never complain, get on with things quietly, wait patiently for death.

"Death will inevitably come

"and when it does, trust me, you'll be more than grateful."

I get quite angry about things sometimes.

Get wound up, drink too much coffee.

All the time I go in these chain coffee shops, it drives me mad the way they train the poor people

who work in these places to treat the customers like idiots.

"Can I help you?" "I'll have a large black coffee, please."

"Would you like a raspberry muffin with that?"

"No, why are you asking me stupid unnecessary questions?

"You asked me what I wanted, I told you - a large black coffee.

"If I wanted a raspberry muffin I would have said I'll have a large black coffee and a raspberry muffin.

"I didn't say that because I never wanted a raspberry muffin.

"I've had an opportunity to have a look over the glass counter

"at all the confectionery on offer and think do I want any of this.

"The conclusion I came to is no, no I don't.

"Yet somehow in the moment between me deciding what I wanted and making

"my order, you imagine I've forgotten what I wanted. I haven't, I haven't.

"Why are you asking me stupid, offensive questions?

"I never asked you stupid offensive questions, do I?" "Can I help you?"

"Large black coffee." "2.50 please."

"Certainly, do you want a punch in the face?"

I don't do a lot of... Some comedians come on and sort of chat to people in the front row.

I got bored with doing that, asking questions, where are you from, what do you do.

Not interested, I've got my own problems.

I don't like that question, what do you do for a living?

Comedian is one of those jobs people find out what you do for a living, they want something for free.

"What do you do for a living?" "I'm a comedian." "Tell us a joke."

You rarely get that in other walks of live. "What d'you do for a living?"

"I'm a cleaner." "Empty my bins." It never happens.

I'm trying to save up - I'd love to be a homeowner at some stage.

It's impossible for younger people to get on the property ladder, isn't it?

I keep on switching on the television and seeing these nauseating repeats of property programmes like...

Gary and Michelle are air stewards.

They're looking for a two-bedroom townhouse in North London in the region of £3 million. What?

Where did Gary and Michelle get £3 million from? I have nothing!

My girlfriend says, "Andrew we should go on one of those property programmes."

Oh, what a good idea(!) Andrew and his girlfriend are first-time buyers

with an erratic income looking for a property in the region of £150,000.

Today we'll be showing them an array of squalid ex-council flats in undesirable areas.

Let's see how they get on as they enter into this first property,

who notices a crack addict sleeping in the stairwell?

Watch out for the pit bull terrier, in the hallway. There's a turd on the carpet,

don't know how long that's been there but there's a tree growing out of it.

Property's on the market for 175, good news is the owner is prepared

to listen to offers in exchange for sexual favours. Whoohoo!

It's the old people's fault, the old people's fault I can't get on the property ladder.

If there's any old people in tonight, I want to say congratulations - you've done a wonderful job.

You messed up the environment and you plunged us all into global economic crisis.

Gave yourself cheap housing, full employment, free education, you had a wonderful time.

You sold my generation down the river and now you expect me to pick up the pieces of your broken world.

Ha-ha-ha, you disgust me, old people.

These days the kids go out of university with their degree and their five-figure student loan debt,

there's no job for them because you old people won't retire.

Just go on working year after year, clogging up the job market, then you do retire but you won't die.

Why won't you die?

Why can't you just die?

Thanks for coming.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute privilege, goodnight. Thank you so much.

Fantastic. Well done.

Andrew Lawrence, ladies and gentlemen, fantastic.

There's nobody quite like Andrew Lawrence.

Can I talk to you about Gaelic football?

CHEERING

It looks like a fun game, Gaelic. Gay-lick.

Gay-lick.

"Are you coming outside with us, boys, for some Gaelic?"

"No, thank you.

"Think I'm going to give that one a miss."

You didn't like that, did you, sir? He's sitting there going,

"You'll be stopped saying Gaelic like that, my friend."

It's like politicians say "I have a mandate." A man-date? Whoo.

I don't want to know about your private life.

My man-date is to play more gay-lick. Mmmm.

Yeah, yeah, baby.

Ladies and gentlemen of Dublin, it is time for your headliner!

CHEERING

When I heard that we were doing this show, I wanted to come here, I was desperate to come here.

I've always enjoyed gigging here and there was only one comedian that I wanted to headline the show,

because he is genuinely one of my favourite comedians working anywhere in the world.

So please welcome Mr Tommy Tiernan to the stage.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Thank you, thank you very much.

My goodness, there we are.

Difficult times, folks, difficult times.

LAUGHTER

Came here in a big car...

..big huge car,

big car that doesn't suit me.

Bought a big fancy car when times were good, you know, and it doesn't suit me.

I know it doesn't suit me because I drove past my reflection

in a shop window and before I knew who it was, I called him an arsehole.

Who do you think you are in you big fancy car?

If you don't believe the fingers, I'll start by hitting you.

We found out when times were good that money doesn't suit Irish people,

you know. We gave a go, didn't we?

It's like economists are telling us now that we screwed up the good times by spending all our money.

That's what we were supposed to do,

that's why they were called the good times.

You can't be saving your money during the good times because then they're not the good times.

Then they're the "in preparation for the bad times" times.

When we had money, we tried things.

We tried things that didn't suit us but at least we gave it a go.

We went skiing!

Irish people skiing - we get panic attacks

if we're in a house with more than one set of stairs.

"Get away from the banister, Michael, get away.

"This place is a death trap, get away!"

But we gave it a go.

Was there anything more frightening to the posh people of Europe up there in the Alps

with their designer gear, all Dolce and Gabbana and Prada and Gucci?

We were there head-to-toe Aldi.

Aldi skiing gear,

we were in the nip by the time we got to the bottom of the hill.

The stuff disintegrated if you went faster than 5mph.

Ski school, no, thanks.

A drink at altitude, yes.

The whole world now seemingly is in recession.

You know, we're told Germany, Germany owes 100 million billion

billion

trillion million greiben gruben schladen.

Trillion!

England owes million billion

billion zillion billion million billion...

billion.

America, America owes...

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!

It's not even a number, just a noise.

You're in trouble when you owe that much, aren't you?

"What's on your credit card?"

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!

Every country in the world owes money, but to who?

Who does everybody in the world owe money to...

and why don't we just kill the bastard and relax?

Tough times.

I have five children.

-Woo!

-Woo!

Yes, thank you.

Five children, yeah.

The only other people who have five children are movie superstars, aren't they?

People like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, how many kids do they have?

They're all from different parts of the world.

And I know nothing...

about Brad Pitt but I wouldn't say it's his idea.

He's just going with the flow, like, isn't he?

Sure, she's lipped like a duvet, he'd do anything for her.

I would say.

I'd say there's mornings Brad comes down into the kitchen with a big stoner head on him,

bumping into some young fella that he's never laid eyes on before.

"Well, hello there, little man, and where are you from?"

picking up the child to see if there's a country of origin sticker on him.

No, I would love to adopt, I'd love to do that.

I think it's a great thing to do, you know, but I only want to adopt talented children.

Pasty-faced, uncoordinated Irish kids, I can make them myself.

There was a talent show on in my kids' school recently,

and an eight-year-old girl did a tumble onto a mattress...

at a talent show! That's all she did.

And it was touch and go if she was going to make it there for a while.

She came down with a thwack, and she stood up

as if she'd won an Olympic medal,

and we had to clap. And I was there, "What is this shit?!"

Then these two Chinese kids got up that had been adopted,

they were playing the violin as if their lives depended on it...

because they did.

They were incredible.

One young fellow was only looking at the violin and it was singing at him.

They're the kind of kids I want. I want to go to orphanages and hold auditions

for a new show called Who Wants To Be a Tiernan?

It's hard when you've got five children to find time to make love to your wife,

you know, it's hard.

We don't get much sleep and I snore.

I don't know for a fact that I snore.

It's what she says after she hits me.

"Huh?"

"You're snoring."

"It's the elephant's turn to take a penalty.

"What's going on here like? What?

"I was snoring, seriously? Was I?

"Aargh.

"Did I wake you up, yeah?

"Aargh, sure I would have slept through the whole thing.

"No, I'm glad you woke me up, seriously.

"There's no point in one of us getting a night's rest.

"We both have to be exhausted in the morning so we know how the other one feels."

You can't leave lovemaking till last thing at night because you're too exhausted.

Best time to make love is about 11 o'clock in the morning, OK, the three older kids have gone to school,

the two younger kids are having their midmorning nap, Daddy follows Mammy upstairs in the hope of quick relief.

Now the only problem with this is you end up making love to whatever music

is putting the children to sleep, that's just the way it is.

# Twinkle twinkle little star

# How I wonder what you are... #

# Three little kittens have lost their mittens and don't know where to find them

# Mother dear, oh, did you hear We have lost our mittens?

# You've lost your mittens

# You naughty kittens You shall have no tea

# Oh, Mother dear, oh, did you hear We have found our mittens

# You've found your mittens You lovely kittens... #

# Row, row, row your boat... #

Dublin, you're a mighty bunch of people.

Thank you very much, goodnight.

RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

Tommy Tiernan, that was superb. Fantastic.

What an absolute pleasure.

So, ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for everybody we had tonight.

We had the fantastic Keith Farnan here, we love Keith Farnan.

The wonderful Zoe Lyons, ladies and gentlemen.

Fantastic Andrew Lawrence was here.

And the absolutely legendary Tommy Tiernan.

Thank you very much. Goodnight everybody, thank you.

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