Bristol Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a big Bristol welcome to Michael McIntyre!

Hello!

Good evening! Hello!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right here in my favourite city of them all.

It's Bristol!

CHEERING

-IN BRISTOL ACCENT:

-All right, my babbers?

I met some locals today, including a man who came up to me and went, "Oh, my God, it's you!

"Gert Lush!" What?

"Gert Lush?"

I think you've got me mixed up with some kind of Norwegian person.

He said, "Can I get a photo?

"Can I get a photo, Mr McIntyre?"

Very polite. Very polite. "Can I get a photo, Mr McIntyre?"

I said, "yeah, OK."

I got in, it was only him, for one of those cuddly ones like that.

He went, "No, just of you." Quite creepy.

I had to stand there and went like this.

Then he held up the camera, it was a digital camera quite clearly the wrong way round.

You could see in the display his own confused face.

And behind it his actual confused face.

"Right, let me see how this works, then."

Then he took it, of his face, with a flash, thanked me and walked off.

"Thank you, Mr McIntyre, that's a proper job. A proper job."

I've spotted the wonderful Carol Vorderman sitting there.

Look at that!

Gert Lush!

It's Vorders! Are you local, Carol?

Where are you from?

-I've been in Bristol for three years.

-You enjoying it, Carol?

-I love it.

-You love it. She loves it, she likes it.

CHEERING

I met you once before. You probably don't remember.

I got in the lift with you,

and believe it or not you were standing at the numbers,

and you said "what floor?"

I thought, "If I can't make a joke in these circumstances,

"I'm not a comedian."

"I'll have one from the top and four from anywhere else, please, Carol."

Gert lush, it's Vorders!

CHEERING

What an absolute pleasure to welcome Deborah Meaden, a Dragon in the house!

There's a Dragon in the house.

How are you, Deborah?

Are you local, Deborah Meaden?

-Quite, Taunton.

-Taunton, that's not far at all.

CHEERING

You're one of my favourite Dragons. I like it when you go, "So let me tell you where I'm at."

Do you say that when you pick up your mobile?

"I'm out." In fact, you should have that on your answerphone.

"Hi, it's Deborah Meaden, let me tell you where I'm at. I'm out." That would be lovely.

I hate those answerphones where you have an automated person,

and people just drop their name in the middle.

You need to know. It sounds shit!

"This is the Vodafone voicemail service for Dave, please leave your message..."

It's awful! Change it.

Do you think he's like that in real life?

"This is my husband Barry, he's an architect..."

I have an iPhone and it's so easy to break.

I just sort of put it down, it wasn't even a fall, it was just a little...

And it cracked, and I had to take it to the Apple shop,

where they have the most arrogant people I've ever met in my life.

They have their names, blue shirts and their names, and underneath it says "genius."

You're not a genius, you work in a shop! OK?

I do quite like the idea of people who work in shops

having an indicator of their level of intellect written on them.

That could certainly help me out.

Like in Currys, "Pete, can't read." At least I know now.

I like the PC adverts where they go, "I'm a PC,

"and this was my idea,"

And they've got the one where there's this bloke on his own on the internet,

and then his wife comes in,

and it's this new feature where you can immediately hide what you're doing.

And he was "buying his wife an anniversary present."

"I'm a PC, and wank-hide button was my idea. Obviously."

OK, let's bring on my first guest.

I've been so looking forward to introducing this man, you're going to absolutely love him.

He's the next big thing, please welcome the fantastic Mr Sean Walsh is here!

Hello Bristol!

CHEERING

I come from Brighton, small town, lots of cafes, bit like Bristol, good for people-watching.

-Do you like people-watching?

-Yes!

This is what I like to do in my time. I can't be bothered to do anything.

People-watching's brilliant. People-watching

is just sitting outside the cafe having a sip of coffee,

and thinking, "He looks like a dick."

You don't get this everywhere else. I go to London a lot, it's too hectic there.

You don't get a chance to people-watch in London.

The only chance you get to people-watch in London

is when you go down the escalators to the Underground.

It's brilliant, it's like hardcore people-watching.

You just stand there going "dick, dick, dick, dick, dick,

"I would!"

I like airports.

I don't mind airports, I like them, Better than train stations, because you've got the travelators.

You don't have to bother walking.

But you still do. Because you get to do the power walk.

It's brilliant, I love it. "I'm going to bloody have this!

"Forget the plane, we'll walk there, come on!"

Who are the people that don't use them?

You just speed past them, they're there going, "I don't like fun."

What are you doing?

And there's a warning now, this is ridiculous, there's a warning when you get towards the end,

when you get towards the end, and it's that woman that's everywhere, "Cashier number four, please."

This time she's worried. She says, "Caution."

I'm like, "What's going on here?"

"You are now approaching the end..."

I think, "God, I didn't think it was going to happen like this."

"..of the conveyor." Caution?

This thing is going one mile per hour from flat to flat.

"Jesus Christ, I forgot my helmet, save yourselves!"

Who's hearing this thing and going,

"Huh? Oh, God, yeah."

"I've got this.

"I don't think I can do it.

"When it comes to the end... Here we go."

But what's ridiculous is you know the reason they've had to put this announcement up

is because in the past,

some idiot HAS actually injured himself.

I reckon he was just standing there going "dick, dick, dick, I would."

I've been Sean Walsh, take care, goodnight.

Sean Walsh, ladies and gentlemen. Come on! Fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, if it isn't Nick Knowles. Nick Knowles!

CHEERING

Sending out an SOS!

Nick Knowles wasn't going to be here tonight, but he's staying in my hotel and you've been working...

I say working in the bar, you don't work in the bar.

I was writing in the bar and I just went over to Nick Knowles last night and said,

"Nick, will you come to my show?"

And he said, "Will you please promise me that you won't talk to me and take the piss out of me?"

Too late! So...

I'm kidding. Nick, you've been living in Bristol?

Only in the hotel.

You live in the hotel?

How long have you been living in the hotel?

On and off for about four years.

BEMUSED LAUGHTER

Nick, I hope you can feel from the reaction of the audience

that this isn't a normal way to live your life.

So you used to do up homes. That's what you do, isn't it?

It's one of the things I do.

I'd stand and watch other people do up homes, that's what I do.

And you're just like, "I will not take my work home with me.

"I'm going to live in a hotel!"

Do they know you're there?

Do you just stay in the bar, do you hide?

Is it like when people don't pay for train tickets, they just stay in the loo?

It's like when the ticket inspector comes...

I like ticket inspectors, because they know how to walk on trains because they do it for a living.

We don't know, we walk down a train and we're falling.

"Sorry. Excuse me."

But ticket inspectors, they're amazing. They move with the train.

"Tickets from Doncaster?

"Thank you."

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Are you ready for my next guest?

CHEERING

This man is going to be a star.

Let's find out why. Mr Hal Cruttenden is here, ladies and gentlemen!

# I could be down, I could be blue I could be violet sky

# I could be happy I could be clappy

# I could be anything you like... #

Lovely to be here in Bristol. On Michael McIntyre's show.

I love Michael. I do. Because like me he's married with kids, and like me he's really quite camp, isn't he?

-Am I camper?

-Yeah!

And he skips and shit!

I am married, I've been married ten years now, two kids.

Thank you, we're incredibly...

unhappy.

We married too soon, we only knew each other five-and-a-half months.

That was the gap between meeting and marrying.

People say you just know, and we just knew...

she was pregnant.

I didn't enjoy my wedding day. Most men don't.

Most men pretend they do, but most wedding days become the bride's day, don't they? It's her day.

I don't want to piss off the women here, but it's not your day.

It's two people's day, OK?

There's a man involved.

You look at a traditional wedding reception, all the jokes,

all the speeches take the piss out of the groom.

No-one is allowed to take the piss out of the bride, are they? Oh, no!

Not on her special day!

Who's wearing fancy dress pretending to be a virgin all day?

"No, ssh, she's a special flower."

Women get given away. Women are still given away on their wedding day.

That's incredibly offensive.

It's about women being possessions.

it reinforces that viewpoint of women as fragile, unable to look after themselves.

If anybody is fragile and unable to look after themselves in the modern world,

it's surely men, isn't it?

FEMALE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We should be given away by our mums, shouldn't we?

We should be dragged down the aisle by the ear,

going, "I don't want to grow up!" "You're bloody coming! Come on.

"Have you got clean pants on? Come on!"

I have two kids, two lovely girls.

I'm too self-obsessed to be a good dad,

too about me. Little Martha, my oldest, comes home from school,

she's like, "Daddy, today we learned about butterflies, and Miss..."

I'm going, "Martha,

"you haven't even asked about my day."

That's a little bit selfish, isn't it?

Little Grace, my little one, comes into our room at night going,

"Daddy, I can't sleep, I had a bad dream about a witch."

I take her into my office and I say "You know what, Grace, that witch,

"she's not real. OK?

"But look at those debts there. Yeah?

"Look at that bill, that bill's not been paid, no.

"Can you find a pension plan on this desk, Grace?

"Look for a pension plan?

"No, I don't bloody have one, how do you think I sleep at night?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, you've been an absolute delight, Bristol. I've been Hal Cruttenden, thank you.

Wonderful! Hal Cruttenden, ladies and gentlemen!

Wonderful. We love Hal Cruttenden.

I don't know if anybody saw this earlier in the year,

I read the bedtime story on CBeebies? Anybody see that?

CHEERING

I wish you hadn't. Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about.

Is it called CBarbers here? CBarbers!

Come on littl'uns, watch CBarbers.

For those of you unfamiliar, it is basically like Jackanory,

I did the bedtime stories for children on children's television.

I thought it would be nice to do for my children. They genuinely didn't care.

I was like, "Look, Daddy's on the telly reading stories." "I've heard that one!"

"But I'm on the TV." "I don't care, I don't care, I want another story."

I want to watch the other channel.

So I ended up possibly committing career suicide

by becoming a children's television presenter which was unavoidable.

If you're a children's television presenter there are rules,

you have to be involved in an activity before suddenly realising you're on TV.

You can't just start a show to the camera.

You have to be doing something before going,

"Oh, hello, I'm Michael." You can't just go straight into it.

I said to them I don't want to do that cos it's embarrassing.

"Sorry, you have to stick to the script."

Script? What script? I thought I was just reading a book.

No, there was a script. I had to talk to a penguin, a fluffy penguin,

I had to sit on a children's bed talking to a penguin

and go, "Hello, Mr Penguin, where have you been?"

"Oh, the Antarctic?" They said, "Cut!"

"What's the problem?" They said, "Can you let the penguin talk?"

"What are you talking about? It's a fluffy toy.

They said you need to leave gaps where the Penguin would be talking.

"Come on Michael, take it seriously." "All right, fine."

"Hello, Mr Penguin."

"Cut! Michael, can you not take the piss."

"Can you not interrupt Mr Penguin?"

APPLAUSE

So I had to take it seriously otherwise I'd be there all day.

"You went where? To the Antarctic?" Then I had to do the whole thing.

"Hello, I'm Michael and today's story is called Captain Flynn And The Pirate Dinosaurs."

If you want to have a laugh, it's on iPlayer. Extremely embarrassing.

I had to read five stories. I had to do the whole week.

You can tell as the week goes on I get more and more pissed off.

On Monday... "Hello!" By Friday, "All right... When am I going to get out of here?"

At the end you close the book and they were very serious about this,

they said look down the barrel of the camera and go, "Night-night, children."

Which is sweet cos it's the bedtime story. But as I say,

I have children, I have two children,

and night-night is simply not part of the putting to bed routine.

I'm nowhere near night-night when I put my children to bed.

This is an unrealistic interpretation of bedtime with children.

CHEERING

I start angry. I don't build to anger any more,

I used to build, now I start with, "Five minutes!"

And then bed! Don't you mess with me tonight.

Five minutes, I'll be back here in five minutes on the dot,

then you're going to bed.

That's just getting them into bed, then it just carries on.

Go to sleep!

Don't you mess with... Go to... Close your...

You have to remind him how it works.

Close your eyes...

and go to sleep!

You have no idea how exhausted I am and your mother is because of this.

Go to sleep!

You selfish, selfish little shit!

Close your eyes and go to sleep!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Enough is enough!

Do know that your mother and I haven't had sex in weeks because of this?

Do you know that sometimes she says to me in the afternoon,

"Maybe tonight Michael you'll get lucky when the kids are asleep."

You're never asleep!

Go to sleep!

Night-night.

APPLAUSE

That's pretty much how it goes.

Don't get me wrong, night-night is part of it,

it's just when they're already asleep.

You never love your children more than when they're unconscious but still breathing.

It's a lovely moment.

Look at my little man. Night-night, darling, Daddy's little soldier.

Aw, Daddy loves you. Darling, look at what we did.

Look what we made.

Aw, isn't he lovely? Night-night.

"I'm still awake." Go to sleep!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready for our next guest?

CHEERING

Please give all your love to one of the finest comedians in the country,

one of my favourites, let's find out why. Please welcome the wondrous Mr Mike Gunn is here!

# I feel good

# I knew that I would now

# I feel good... #

You're quite right, I don't look that funny.

I don't have to do this, I've got money,

admittedly all tied up in my parents' house.

Where there's a will there's a way.

You've thought of that, haven't you?

It's a nightmare, isn't it?

The constant waiting.

My mum's been dead for years but my dad, he's just clinging on.

I visit him, you have to visit them, don't you?

Especially in the cold weather, I pop in, open a few windows, bugger off.

APPLAUSE

Sometimes I go round and see him unexpectedly, you know...

Boo!

Don't judge me, I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong.

I can't help myself.

Whenever I see my dad buying anything I can't help thinking,

"I don't want that."

"What the hell am I going to do with that?"

A bath with a door in it.

It's rubbish as well, I've tried it, you open the door, all the water comes out.

That's never going to sell on eBay, is it?

I'm a married man, I'd like to talk a little bit about wedding dresses.

My wife spent a fortune on a wedding dress, complete waste of money in my mind, she's worn it once.

I've worn it more than she has.

Not only has she spent a fortune on it and worn it once, she's insisting on keeping it forever.

She's got it all wrapped up in tissue in a box under the bed

and I pulled it out other day and said, "Are we keeping this for ever?"

She went, "Yeah, it's romantic. Is it? OK.

Then she said, "It'd be really romantic if when I die I could be buried in it."

I said, "Well, you'd better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease."

GASPING AND APPLAUSE

"That's the only way you're ever going to get back into that.

"I could chuck it in on top if you want."

"You could wear it like a bib."

I'm divorced now obviously.

That's all from me. Thanks, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wonderful. Mike Gunn, ladies and gentlemen!

Come on! We love Mike Gunn.

Ladies and gentlemen of Brizzel, are you ready for your headline act?

What an absolute honour and a pleasure it is to introduce

literally one of the best comedians there is.

I've been watching this man for years and he's one of the coolest people I've ever met

so please give all your love to the wonderful... Noel Fielding is here, ladies and gents.

CHEERING

Oh, Bristol, you cheeky little otters, how are you?

CHEERING

You're such a lively little bunch.

I'd love to leap in and suck all your heads like Chupa Chup lollies.

What a room, lovely room, it's like an enormous Guess Who board.

If everyone with a goatee beard and glasses could lean forward.

Imagine if I did the whole gig like this...

..and you all had to read my thoughts.

That way if it was a shit gig it'd be your own fault.

My nan's hands were so soft...

LAUGHTER

That's not even it.

My nan's hands were so soft she once caught a bubble and her hands burst.

I was in the bath with my partner the other day and you know

what it's like, you think it'll be romantic but it never is.

Baths are too small and you end up fighting about who should sit at the end with the taps

and it just got really out of hand, it was ridiculous.

Then we'd splash each other with water, grabbing the soap dish...

then getting the shampoo, it got well out of order.

It was 45 minutes of a massive full-on fight.

Eventually my girlfriend came in and went, "I don't mind you and Geoff running a small business together..."

"..but this is ridiculous."

Oh, here's me, I'm coming in, I'm flying around the room, I'm a terrific bluebottle.

Here's me, I'm coming in the room, I'm flying all over the place, I'm flying in a figure-of-eight,

I'm doing a figure-of-eight, I'm going quite straight, I'm doing right angles, look at me,

it's like I'm orchestrating a map of Hampton Court maze but from an aerial perspective.

Here's me, I'm flying all around the house, I'm in the front room,

I'm in the back room, I'm in the kitchen, I'm landing on the fridge door.

Now I'm going back out again and I'm coming back in half an hour later and landing in exactly the same place.

Now I'm going out again,

I'm going out again, you don't know what's happening.

I've been gone ages this time, could be days, I've come back in and landed in exactly the same place.

It's doing your head in, you can't work it out, we'll never know if it really is the same place though

unless when I land on it you draw round my feet, then when I go away,

when I come back, we see if there's any overlap.

Here's me, I'm flying all around the place, I'm flying all around the place, now I'm in the distance.

Now I'm coming really close to your ear.

I'm in the distance, I'm in the distance, now I'm really close to your ear. You're like that.

If someone sees you, you have to go, "I thought it was a wasp."

When that person goes away and I give you a little look

as if to say we both knew full well that wasn't a wasp, that was a fly.

Here's me, I'm coming in...

I've got three hours of this. Here's me, I'm coming in,

there's you at your little desk, you're trying to do some writing,

perhaps you're at college, perhaps you're writing a novel,

I'm not sure but I keep just buzzing around your head and you don't know what's happening.

I'm buzzing around your head, you're getting really annoyed.

You can't concentrate, so you go over and open the window.

But you open the window in a way it's never been opened before in its entire career as a window in a house.

It has been opened so wide you're like that...

All the way to the top, no one's ever opened a window that wide before

and when I come in the room, as if I won't see that as a trap.

I can see 175 frames a second, my friend.

I can see when a window's been opened to its fullest.

You're sitting there at your desk, the window's open, I'll come towards it, come towards it,

come towards it, last minute I'll do a little turn off.

APPLAUSE

Here I come, here I come, I've actually gone through it.

You can't believe it, you've jumped up out of your desk,

you've slammed it shut, you think you've won, you're doing a victory dance, but I'm behind your head.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been amazing, it's been an amazing night. Thanks for having me.

Cheers, goodnight. Thank you!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Noel Fielding, ladies and gentlemen. Marvellous!

Noel Fielding. Fantastic.

Let's hear it for all the acts.

Sean Walsh, what a legend! Sean Walsh.

CHEERING

The fantastic Hal Cruttenden was here.

CHEERING

Mike Gunn was here, wasn't he wonderful?

CHEERING

And the absolutely fantastic headline act Noel Fielding!

Thank you very much Bristol, goodnight. Thank you!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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