Leeds Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a big Leeds welcome to Michael McIntyre!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Hello!

Hello!

Hello and welcome to our Comedy Roadshow!

Very good!

Right here in my favourite city of them all, it's Leeds!

What is going on with the loop?

I'm all for having an inner-city ring road,

but can we go both ways around it?

I had to go that way. I was at my hotel, and I had to go to the theatre there. Theatre is there.

I could see the theatre.

Took me 25 minutes,

going around the whole city... to get almost back to my hotel.

It should have taken a minute to get back to my hotel.

Is this how you behave at home in Leeds? Sitting on the sofa -

"Love, could you pass the remote control next to you?

"Yeah, I'll bring that round to you now".

LAUGHTER

"There you go, love. On to't loop, eh? Eh?"

I will be attempting a vague Yorkshire accent.

I've done me 'omework!

Eh, up! Eh, up!

That's supposed to be "hello", according to you!

Summat. Summat.

I walked past a person yesterday. He went, "I gotta get summat in me stomach."

Obviously a food lover there!

Nowt! Nowt!

My favourite is the fact that the word "the" has not reached this area.

We have it in the south. It's freely used.

I think somewhere around Junction 25 of the M1,

the word "the" stops at the services and says, "I can go no further.

"I'm staying here with my friends 'nothing' and 'something'.

"You go on ahead, OK?"

"Are you sure you're not coming?"

"No, they can just go 't', like that."

My first experience of this was when I went to the cinema in Leeds a few years ago.

I saw The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

I had more fun asking the woman what I'd booked to see

than watching the entire film itself!

"What is it I'm seeing today?"

"T'Lion, t'Witch and t'Wardrobe."

Are you kidding?

"Wanna see summat else?

"Wanna see summat else?

"Cos there's nowt else to see here!

"Are you taking t'piss?"

I thought it would be a nice idea, just for a bit of fun,

to go to HMV and get The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe,

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

and an album by '70s sensation The The. Line them up

on the counter of HMV in Leeds city centre.

"What am I purchasing here today?"

"T'Lion, t'Witch and t'Wardrobe,

"t'Good, t'Bad and t'Ugly,

"and T' T'!"

Thank you so much!

Next person in the queue - "Have you got Nowt Compares To Thee by Sinead O'Connor?"

"Have you got There's Summat About Mary?"

"Have you got Eh, Up by Lionel Richie?"

# Eh, up! Is it me you're looking for? #

"Yes, I am looking for you. Where are you?"

"I'm on the loop. I'll be there in a minute, come on!"

LAUGHTER

I didn't gig in Leeds last year. The closest I got was Sheffield.

They didn't let me in to my own show!

I was doing the Sheffield Arena.

They wouldn't let me in! There was a security guard on the door

and I said, "Hi." Basically, I was cocky. I was cocky enough to waltz past him.

He went, "Hey! Excuse me! Can I see your pass?"

"I don't really have a pass."

The pass, by the way, was round his neck and it had my face on it!

The pass was my face!

I said, "No, it's my show. My show."

He went, "Rules are rules. I need to see your pass."

I'm like, "But it's my face. Can I... Do you mind if I use my face

"as the pass for my show?"

He went, "No, that won't work. Give me your pass or you're not coming in."

I said, "It's my show. It's my face!"

He said, "The Queen's on money, but she can't use her face as a tenner. Get your pass!"

Quite good logic. Quite good logic.

I went to a carvery.

You like a carvery in Yorkshire, don't you? Come on.

You are united in your love of carvery.

"£3.50 for two, come on!"

Queue up.

"I'll have some of that and some of that

"and some of that and some of that. Give me all the meat on one plate.

"Keep it going with the gravy!

"Don't stop till it's swimming and I can't get it back to the table!

"Oh, no, I forgot my Brussels sprouts. Can I have some?"

"No, you have to go round the pub loop.

"Go outside and through the car park." "Oh, no."

LAUGHTER

So I watch adverts during the day. I'm going to stop doing that, OK?

They're aimed at people who watch TV in the day.

I hope I'm not one of those people.

A lot of bloated women seem to be watching TV.

Activia yoghurt, that's the solution.

This advert starts with a woman who's obviously in discomfort.

She's not happy. She walks along like this.

She's not happy.

She looks at the camera to confirm it.

"Ugh!" Then she has an Activia yoghurt, and she's fine.

Smile on her face, quite light on her feet.

Opens the front door, lovely sunny day.

Begins her day, all because of Activia.

Of course, what this advert's missed out is an enormous shit in the middle.

It's completely inaccurate advertising.

This ad should show her emerging from the loo, going "Jesus Christ!

"Children, do not go in there.

"Something's happened to Mummy after her Activia yoghurt.

"I'm serious, children. Just brush your teeth at school today.

"That really is quite something. I'm going to weigh myself.

"That was an unbelievable occurrence. Thank you, Activia."

There's something called the Snuggie that they advertise.

Have you seen this? This is a blanket that you wear, OK?

People watching television in the day

are spending so much time doing nothing

that they're wearing blankets.

It is a blanket with sleeves

so that you can easily access things,

without having to ever take the blanket off you,

because it's chilly.

You can be in bed at all times!

Lying on your DFS sofa, I assume.

With your Activia yoghurt, listening to Michael Buble.

He's advertised all day as well. Daytime viewers love Michael Buble.

A lot of chafing as well, chafing gel.

This advert is just a woman jumping.

She's jumping, and you can clearly see

that her legs are nowhere near one another, because chafing

is when your legs rub against each other, yeah?

I think the advice is probably, if you lose weight,

your legs will separate and work as independent things from one another.

No, this is not the advice. The advice is to lubricate the area

so that they can slide against each other

as you walk in your Snuggie to the fridge to get your Activia yoghurt,

and then return to your DFS sofa and continue listening to Michael Buble.

TENA Lady as well. I didn't know what it was. I had to google it.

Women are pissing in their pants?

Is it a condition? Is it voluntary?

Are they so comfortable in their Snuggies,

lying on their DFS sofa?

Their favourite Buble track hasn't come on yet.

"Oh, I'm dying for a pee.

"I don't need to get up, thanks to my TENA Lady.

"I can just pee here on the sofa.

"The loo's out of bounds anyway

"after the Activia situation half an hour ago."

Is this really what's going on?

These bloated, chafing, Snuggie-wearing,

DFS sofa lying

Buble listeners,

surrounded by gold they haven't been bothered to cash yet?

Is this what's going on?

What is it with the gold? Is it news to people that gold is a commodity?

Are people sitting there going

"You're telling me this bullion is actually worth something?

"Give me an extra Snuggie. I'm going to go out and sell this!"

Please don't think I'm being unnecessarily rude here.

These people are only there because they've had an accident at work.

That's what's led them to this unfortunate situation.

I like the accident at work one. We enjoy that as a family.

You can see the wet floor, but she can't. She's walking... "Aaagh!"

Or the one that goes "And they gave me the wrong type of ladder!"

I think if your job involves going up ladders, select your own ladder.

"I'd like a ladder, please.

"I don't trust my own judgment in ladder selection.

"If you could pick whatever ladder you see fit for the task,

"the one with wheels?

"Yes, I'll take that...aaagh!"

Ladies and gentlemen, here's my first guest of the night.

We are in for a real treat.

This is a fast-rising young woman to success.

She's absolutely wonderful. You'll love her. Give all your love to Miss Andi Osho!

Hello!

All right?

How are we doing? Are we well?

You're looking good.

It's lovely to be here in Leeds. I'm from Newham in east London,

voted the third worst place to live in Britain!

-Woo!

-Thank you very much. I'm quite proud.

We beat Hackney - they only came fifth. Who's the daddy now?

The daddy is someone being chased by the Child Support Agency.

I'll give you an example of what Newham is like, OK?

This happened on my local bus. The bus is crawling down the bus lane.

There's a girl at the back of the bus. Now, I'm not judging

but she was white and chavvy.

What? That is the only social group that black people know for definite we can look down on.

Straight up.

I look at chavvies and I say, "It's you bringing the house prices down, not us!"

I'll tell you a couple of facts about chavvy types.

Fact number one. There are more chavs round my way...

Number two...

Yeah, that was it!

They don't wear glasses.

Apart from little Ben in EastEnders, but he don't really count, bless him.

And by the way, the woman that plays him is amazing!

Was she one of the Krankies? She's brilliant.

No, they don't wear glasses.

You'll never get a chavvy type round my way going,

"Oi, mate! I'm gonna punch your face in."

Seriously, you won't.

The reason? There are no opticians in Newham.

The closest you get to an optician round my way is someone going, "Oi, look where you're going!"

That is our optician. I don't want to go back. I want someone to adopt me.

You could adopt me. Do you want to see my "adopt me" face? It'll break your heart.

Just two pound a month.

APPLAUSE

Thing is...

Thing is you just have to beat Madonna out of the way first though, eh?

You know what I'm saying. Come on, we hate Madonna.

Look how much charity work she's had to do just to get us to like her.

She's all over Africa. She's like malaria.

Still searching for a cure.

Anyway, I'm on this bus. This is why Newham is the third worst place to live in Britain.

We did try for second place, but Hull... Who knew?

Really? Now, right, so we're on the bus, right.

Bus is crawling down the bus lane, and this girl shouts out across the whole bus.

She goes, "Oi, driver! Hurry up, mate! Some of us have gotta go to court, innit?

Then she looks around to include all of us in that.

Cos obviously we're all going to court.

I was like, "Speak for yourself! I'm on bail."

I'm guessing she's not the judge - maybe she is. Chantelle, QC.

I can't see it myself.

Round our way it would be MC Chantelle, QC, thank you very much.

She'll be there in court going,

-RAPS:

-You're getting five years cos you mugged that old lady

But if you're good and if you're lucky, then just maybe...

Oi, oi, oi, right?

Buh, buh, buh!

You're getting two weeks cos this system's bad crazy.

All rise.

You might get off though, bless her. Bless her heart.

I love the sound that, like, the MCers...

It was on MCers records for a while.

They always had that sort of, "Ho, ho, ho!"

I always thought it sounds like an animal, right,

but how did they decide that

that was the animal sound that was going to go on all of their records?

Did they try other sounds out first?

Did they go into the studio and go, "Bro, Bro I've got an idea, right,

"hit record, check this out, yeah?

-RAPS:

-"Check, one, two Respec' is overdue

"To reggae music both old and new.

"Miaow!"

They should have at least tried it.

I'm really stupid though, I love stupid sounds.

I love the stupid sounds that we used to make when we were little kids.

I wish we still did them now.

Like, who used to do this when they were little? Who went...

"Ummm!

"I'm telling!"

Yeah?

Excellent, did you do that? Yeah?

You grass.

No-one likes a grass.

I think we should still do it now in our adult lives.

Like, so your mate calls you up, "Claire, it's me,

"I've been having an affair, Darren doesn't suspect a thing!"

And you just go, "Ummm!

"I'm telling!"

This is another one.

I used to do this when I was a little kid, who used to do this?

I used to go...

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

You'd have a competition with your brothers and sisters

to see who could do it the longest.

"You cheated, you breathed, "I'm telling mum."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Some people know what I'm talking about.

Other people are just staring at me like, what is wrong with her?

For people who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll tell you why, OK?

You had toys.

OK, the rest of us, we just had, "Ahhhhhhhh!"

It was all we had.

I want you guys to enjoy it.

The people who don't know what I'm saying, I want you to enjoy this.

Bring this into your adult life. I'll tell you exactly when you use it, right.

If you find yourself in a bit of an awkward, difficult situation,

and you don't know what else to say, say that.

Picture the scene. Say someone comes up to you and goes,

"Did you realise you were doing 40mph in a 30mph zone?"

And you just turn around to them and just go...

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Do it, people.

Leeds, you've been absolutely delightful. Thanks! Good night!

Brilliant. Andi Osho, ladies and gentlemen!

Bravo! Come on!

We love Andi Osho.

I understand there's quite a lot of people here from Emmerdale. Right?

CHEERING

How's Emmerdale going?

It's all right. Massive, Emmerdale.

I love it. I love Emmerdale!

I love the dale. Emmerdale.

How's Emma? Is she all right, Emma?

How many of you are here?

-About 20.

-20?

So there are 20 people here tonight who are in Emmerdale?

Is there anyone left in Emmerdale?

Tomorrow's episode is going to be pretty boring!

Just a few sheep going, "Where is everybody?"

"They're at Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow."

"Baa!"

HUMS EMMERDALE THEME TUNE

I've jazzed the music up. You should go with my version.

You should have somebody dancing. The fields are so boring!

Have me on the hill!

Baa!

Oh, you're in Emmerdale, I know you, I've seen you.

You're big in it. I've seen you in it.

Dale! Up 'dale!

-What's the name of your character?

-Andy.

-Andy.

It's Andy!

CHEERING

Andy's got guns, haven't you, Andy?

Are you a ladies man, Andy?

Are their ladies in dales? Up Dale, down dale, come on!

So tell me, Andy, what goes on?

You'd been in the gym today? HE GRUNTS

-You go to the gym?

-No, I've been working today.

I've been, I've been.

They have this punchbag shaped like a man. Have you seen one of these.

It's like a head and a torso and you punch and kick him.

It's really good for fitness and I quite enjoy it as well.

Because you can punch it and it's not a real person.

I said to the people at the gym, "Can I get one? I want one for my home."

So he gave me the number for the sports equipment company

and I called them and said, "Can I get one of those men that you punch?

He said, "Do you want it in black or white?"

Ooh, how exactly am I supposed to answer this question?!

So I got both. I've got like an interracial gang in my house.

# Dee-dee-dee-dee. #

APPLAUSE

OK, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to welcome my next guest!

You are in for an absolute treat! This man has been an amazing comedian

for as long as I can remember.

It's such a pleasure to introduce him. Please welcome the fantastic, wonderful, glorious,

Mr Sean Collins is here!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello.

-WEAKLY:

-Hello.

Don't worry. I'm Canadian but I've lived in England for five years.

I know that's pretty much the standard response to "Hello".

Just stare at me till I cry.

I recently got back from Afghanistan.

I did some shows for the British troops down there.

CHEERING

Thank you.

One of my favourite stories about being down there

was sitting outside one of the bases with five British soldiers

after a show, helicopters, mortar fire and machine gun fire

in the distance, and one of the soldiers said to me,

"Where are you performing when you get back to England?"

I said, "The first show I'm doing is in Nottingham."

One of the other soldiers looked at me and said,

"It's really dangerous up there, mate."

"You keep your head down when you're in Nottingham, son."

I love your country so much.

And quite frankly, it's because things don't work here.

And you guys don't seem to care.

That is the greatest attitude to have.

The trains in this country are the worst on the planet.

I've never seen anything like it.

What advantage is that to you guys? Well, it's simple.

You have the 2012 Olympics and you're going to win medals

cos other countries won't be able to get to the stadium.

Picture a poor long-distance runner from Kenya

sitting on a replacement bus in Slough!

Stadium? Not today.

Shouldn't have had your event on a Sunday.

It's still one of my favourite things to do.

Go to a train station on Sunday

and watch foreigners buy train tickets.

The look on their face when they're getting ushered onto a bus!

It's hilarious. It's the only country

where you can change the mode of transportation on somebody.

You see them staring at their train ticket for a second.

They look at the guy who's really unhappy that that's his job.

"But I have a train ticket."

"Get on the bus."

I got out of London.

I got burgled four times in 18 months, living in London.

-Woo!

-Yeah. Thank you(!)

We finally got out. Couldn't handle it.

I hate watching CSI programmes, too.

Anybody who watches CSI and thinks they're real,

deal with the detectives in this country.

The detective came the first time we got burgled and said,

"We're probably not going to catch him."

"Thanks for stopping by, Columbo! That's great!"

And when we got burgled the fourth time, the same detective looked at me and went, "Told you."

There's a law here that they go back and forth on,

what you should be allowed to do to a burglar,

should you be allowed to kill a burglar that enters your home.

I can tell you my feelings have changed now.

Not only should you be allowed to kill a burglar,

you should be allowed to do it at your own pace.

I would love a burglar to break into my place

and I'm just sitting there with a shotgun.

"Are you going to kill me?" "Not yet.

"You have some gardening to do first."

I think every woman should punch their man in the face

from time to time. Absolutely.

CHEERING

Why not? We're going to make a mistake eventually.

We'd much rather you punch us than talk.

Women are far better fighters than men. You use emotions we don't use.

Men just get mad and punch each other.

Women, you're like Jedis when you fight.

My ex punched me in the face.

My head turned, I could feel the blood trickling out of my nose.

This is when she got smarter than me.

By the time I turned back, she was crying.

Well, that's absolutely brilliant, isn't it(?)

I said, "What are you crying for?" And this is when she got genius.

She said, "I can't believe you made me

"so angry I punched you in the face!"

You know what I said? "Sorry!"

Anyways, Leeds, thank you so much.

You've been wonderful. See you later. Bye.

Well done. Fantastic.

Sean Collins, ladies and gentlemen!

What a night we're having!

People from Emmerdale, did you enjoy the first half?

Yeah!

Did you enjoy the first half,

man in green T-shirt who refuses to respond to anything?

"I'll let others respond to these questions!"

What is your name?

-Michael.

-Hello, Michael.

-So where are you from, Michael?

-Burnley.

What do you do in Burnley?

What do you mean, what do I do?

What do I mean, what do you do?

We are involved in small talk, not a confrontation!

I'll have a conversation to show you...

LAUGHTER

..the conversation we're about to have. Hello, Jane McDonald.

-What do you do?

-I'm a TV presenter.

-A TV presenter!

-Hello, Mike. What do you do?

-TV presenter.

-TV presenter!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You're not supposed to literally say that.

You're supposed to apply the question to your own life!

But Mike, technically you are right.

I gave you an example of how that works

and you followed it exactly how I showed you.

-Pauline Quirke, what do you do?

-I'm an actress.

-You're an actress?

You see, she's given her own...

She's involved her own lifestyle in the question.

Hello, Mike. What do you do?

A production manager in an automotive company.

There you go, a production manager in an automotive company. Come on!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Does it always take so long when you're filling in forms?

Do you always have to go through Jane McDonald and Pauline Quirke?

"What occupation? Can you get Jane McDonald on t'phone?

"And Pauline Quirk, please?"

Thank you, Mike. I think we're getting on a lot better.

Ladies and gentlemen, ready for our next guest?

CHEERING

I'm so excited to see him. He's making a name for himself, well deserved.

Please welcome to the stage the fantastic Mr Jack Whitehall is here!

Good evening, Leeds!

Hello!

So, yes, I'm Jack. I'm 22 years old

and I'm ashamed to say I still live with my parents.

Which is very hard, because my dad is very old.

He's 70 years old, very old-fashioned.

I say old-fashioned - racist!

Not proper racist. He's not like Nick Griffin.

Nick Griffin, who I have decided is a terrible person,

but does make very entertaining television.

The proof is in the little racist pudding.

More people tuned in to watch Nick Griffin

when he was on Question Time than have ever bothered to watch

an episode of that show in the history of the programme.

It made me think, "I reckon a couple more of these shows

"with dwindling viewing figures? Play the Nick Griffin card!"

Weakest Link, that's boring as shit.

But put Nick Griffin on and I'll watch it!

Who are you voting for this week, Nick?

"I'm going to vote for Narinder." Why?

"Because she's..." That's all we've got time for.

It's hard living at home.

Basically, I've always been a bit of a mummy's boy. I can't help it.

When I was younger, I wished my mum had made me play sport.

I wish I'd been good at sport. But my mum let me do what I want.

And look at me now. I'm 22 years old.

Can I play sport to a level where I earn thousands a week? No.

Can I play football to a level

where I get to date one of Girls Aloud? No!

Do you know what I can play?

I can play recorder to grade level seven.

Do you realise how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.

My mum lied to me. She said, "Women love a musician."

Not a recorderist!

The only way I'll get a girl into bed using the recorder is to knock her out with it.

I found school very hard. A lot of stuff we were taught at school was pointless.

The worst one was French, right?

I was taught French to the age of 16.

I gave it up. I forgot all the French I was taught - other than one phrase.

One phrase that is ingrained into my memory that I will never be able to dispel.

And that is the phrase, "Ou est la piscine dans La Rochelle?"

Yeah. Cos the text book used in UK schools for the past 30 years

is a text book called Tricolor.

Now, the geniuses at Tricolor

decided to set every hypothetical scenario,

where you have to ask for directions,

in a town called La Rochelle.

I researched La Rochelle recently.

It's a northern industrial town in France with a population of 32,000.

Which is half of Grimsby! I doubt they even have a swimming pool,

but we all know how to get there!

And why? Cos the French were screwing with us.

They had their little meeting. Christophe, Pierre,

"Where should we set the text book for the English tourists?"

"What about Paris? Let's set the book in Paris."

"I live in Paris! I do not want the English pig-dogs,

'J'adore le cabaret' pieces of shit in my town!

"Find somewhere else." "What about Marseille, a popular destination in le sud de la France?"

"Non, non, non, non, non!

"I have friends and famille that live in Marseille.

"I do not want Barry and Richard on their holiday,

"asking for directions to my mother's bibliotheque!

"We need to find another town."

"May I ask, Christophe, Pierre,

and those people here with a stereotypical French name,

"including you, Jean-Paul, does anybody live in the town of La Rochelle?"

"No, of course! No-one lives in La Rochelle!

"It has a population of cinq personnes,

"the only place in France that does not have a swimming pool!"

What we need to do is get our own back on the French kids.

We need to set them a text book that is set in Crewe. Yeah!

Let's see how they like that when they come over here with their poxy little English!

Christophe, Christophe, vois ici!

"Excuse me, sir. Bonjour. Do you have any directions..."

"Aye. You and your little friend can turn around and you can piss off!"

I get very annoyed by advertising.

I think the worst adverts by far on television

are the government adverts you get.

They're always very aggressive,

but always for the most menial crimes.

It's always for TV licences, or, "Video piracy is a crime.

"You could end up in jail."

It's not a real crime, is it?

Are you telling me that if went down to my local prison,

I'd overhear conversations in jail cells between cellmates

getting to know each other. "So, what are you in here for?"

"I murdered my family in their sleep,

"smothered my own parents to death with my bare hands!"

"What about you, pretty boy?"

"I recorded the Harry Potter film on my Sony Ericsson.

"Do you like quidditch?

It seems the more aggressive the advert,

the more menial the crime is.

You turn it on and it's, "Look at you! You're pathetic!

"You are worse than a sex offender! I hate you, everybody hates you!

"I hope you get cholera! It's a criminal offence.

"You could end up in jail with a maximum prison sentence of 25 years!

"All your family and loved ones will be hating you

"and wishing you suffered from a degenerative disease!""

EXPLOSION EFFECTS

"Don't fish without a rod license!"

You guys have been absolutely wonderful.

I've been Jack Whitehall. Thank you. Good night!

Fantastic. Jack Whitehall, ladies and gentlemen. We love him!

APPLAUSE

I've seen the football, Leeds football.

How does the chant go? We are Leeds! We are Leeds!

I love the way you have to remind yourselves which team you're supporting!

"We are Leeds! Which one are we again?" "I just said - we are Leeds.

"Listen to the others! We are Leeds!"

You're the only supporters to have answered the question, "Who are ya?"

"We are Leeds! I've been saying this all t'first half!"

We've had an amazing night and it's going to get better.

Let me introduce, ladies and gentlemen, our headline act!

CHEERING

Without a doubt one of the country's leading comedians, someone I've admired for years,

please enjoy him, the wonderful Ardal O'Hanlon is here!

Ah, now.

Leeds, that's a little bit over the top there, ladies and gentlemen.

But very welcome, I have to say.

Thank you so much for that. Whatever happens next,

I'm going to look back on tonight as a great success.

My name is Ardal, by the way. It's a real name.

People are always asking me, "What sort of a name is Ardal?"

In quite a hostile way, sometimes.

"What sort of a name is Ardal?"

As if I picked it. As if I enjoyed being called "Ardal, the dardle, the big fat mardle" all my life!

Did I like it? No, I didn't.

The truth is, my parents named me after a village in Norway. This is true.

It's best known for an aluminium plant and has been linked with a serious outbreak of Alzheimer's.

They've a very weird sense of humour, my parents.

Called me after an environmental disaster zone.

I'm just being paranoid, according to my brothers, Chernobyl and Hiroshima.

I had a really embarrassing incident this week.

I was on a train and I offered my seat to a woman.

I started talking to her. She didn't like that,

but I gave her my seat, so the least she could do was have a chat.

And I said to her, I said, "When are you due?"

Of course, I probably shouldn't have said that. It wasn't the first time.

And she looked at me with horror. She wasn't pregnant, she was just a bit fat.

But quick as a flash, I covered my tracks.

I said, "When are you due another snack?" So...

It's brilliant to be here in Leeds. I have to tell you that.

Last weekend was pretty traumatic. I was home in Dublin.

We were having a family meeting, my brothers and sisters and I.

It was a meeting we'd been putting off for a very long time.

It was the "What are we going to do with Mammy?" meeting.

I don't know if any of you have had that one yet.

Since the accident, she spends all day looking through the window.

I wanted to let her in, but they were having none of it.

That's the sort of people I grew up with.

So, that's what's going on.

I should warn you, ladies and gentlemen,

due to very harsh economic conditions everywhere,

I've had to cut the number of jokes in my set tonight.

I apologise for that.

I've had to let all my joke writers go

and outsource the whole operation to India.

That's the way it's going, so most of my current material

is about arranged marriages

and the perils of bathing in the Ganges.

I'm not sure how it will fare in Leeds,

but I'm a big hit in Mumbai, so that's something.

Sanjeev actually wrote that bit.

And that bit, so he's getting the hang of it.

I think it's very important that we all look on the bright side,

ladies and gentlemen. Going forward, we must be positive.

One advantage of the recession is that obese people

aren't getting a hard time anymore. You don't read so much about it

or anything. Everyone's thinking,

"Oh, they're the clever ones. Putting it all away for a rainy day."

Mind you, I was reading in the newspaper that on some

American airlines, they're charging obese people for two seats.

Can you believe that?

That's just a bit mean, isn't it?

Ryanair, crafty as ever, they're on the case as well.

They're charging schizophrenics for two seats.

They always go too far, don't they? Did you hear the latest ruse?

They're charging for emotional baggage now. I kid you not!

When will it stop?

We've got to try and be positive. My father was an incredibly upbeat man.

He was one of these people who say the best way to be positive

is to live every day as if it's your last day on earth.

It's good advice, isn't it?

What I do is I spend all day in bed with an oxygen mask

and some rosary beads.

You should try that.

It's not easy to be positive, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm a Catholic. It's not easy being a Catholic nowadays.

I mean, it was never easy being a Catholic,

but now with all the scandals worldwide, it's horrendous.

I think the Pope should resign. I think the cardinals should resign

and I think God himself should seriously consider his position at this stage.

I mean, he must've known what was going on.

He should quit and be replaced

by one of the Hindu fellas with all the arms and the legs.

Sanjeev assured me that would get a bit of a titter.

It's terrible, you can't have any association with the church.

You can't even admit to being a fictional priest anymore,

that's what I find personally.

I don't say this lightly,

but I think the Pope is a big, fat liar. He is!

You just know when he's apologising to the faithful,

he's hiding another priest under his cassock.

You just know that!

Even the word cassock, it's an anagram of ass and cock.

That's how depraved! That's how depraved they are!

I think the truth is, things are pretty grim everywhere.

We've all got to tighten our belts now, don't we?

I went to a restaurant with my wife the other night.

I have a wife, hooray!

Wives are great. We went down to a restaurant for an argument.

We were there for a little while.

Some of you who have wives know what I'm talking about.

It was the anniversary of our first argument

and we were there for a while.

She had a starter and I didn't bother myself,

and then we went home.

On the way out, I took a huge, big handful of mints

and an extra coat, so it turned out to be a pretty good night after all.

There are so many manly things that I cannot do.

I can't even open a bra with any sort of competence or distinction.

That's something all men should be able to do from an early age.

Open a bra. Women appreciate a bit of dexterity in that department.

If you don't have a girlfriend, ask a friend to put on a bra, and practise on him.

It's important. Women hate all the awkward fumbling. "Oh, God, I'll do it myself!"

Then, of course, the magic is gone.

My wife knows all she has to do is wear a bra

and she's safe from my advances.

Two bras and another set of knickers and she's inviolate!

Sometimes, she slings a bra across the front door and I can't even get into the house!

She keeps all her money in her bra.

And her biscuits.

But making love is not an unpleasant activity

if memory serves me correctly.

But as a term, it leaves a lot to be desired. "Making love."

It just sounds a little bit insipid.

It doesn't describe the act effectively. "How did it go last night?"

"We made love and then we watched Location, Location, Location.

"A great night."

When lads are together, the language is more robust, more effective.

"How did you get on last night?"

"Ohhh! Ohhh!

"I screwed her. I nailed her. I drilled her." All DIY terminology.

"I sanded her down, so I did.

"I primed her, I applied two coats and I let her dry."

There are plenty of euphemisms for this activity.

Doesn't have to be DIY. "Oh, she was leaking and I sorted that out."

Maybe not that one!

You know what I mean.

The most important time of the day for anyone who's in a relationship

is the first half hour before you get into bed in the evening.

All of us live busy lives. This is the chance to catch up on the day's events.

Discuss your hopes and your dreams for the future.

And to blame each other for stuff that went wrong earlier on!

It's a great opportunity to touch each other.

Maybe not like that - that won't get you very far! "Stop it, you freak!"

It's an important time. Don't squander it.

It's also the time of the day when my wife texts everyone she knows.

It's infuriating. It goes on for hours.

The only way I can get her attention in bed is by text!

"Move over. You've got the whole duvet!"

Then I get a text back. "Who is this?"

So I'm having an affair at the moment.

With my wife, I should stress. We're both very lazy. It's a game we play.

Something I'll share with you that you can use in your lives if you need it.

I arrive home on Tuesday afternoon, pretending to be my wife's secret lover.

I'm wearing a cravat and clogs and special leggings.

We got to the bedroom and take our clothes off.

She goes, "We shouldn't!" And I go, "We should!"

And then this good friend of ours, Tony, calls around,

pretending to be my wife's husband.

And... Yeah...

I have to very quickly put on all my clothes

and climb out the window and stay away for about three hours.

But I'm not a fool.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all from me.

Thanks very much for listening to me and good night. Thank you. Cheers.

Ardal O'Hanlon, ladies and gentlemen!

Fantastic! That concludes tonight's entertainment.

Please give it up for all our wonderful acts.

The fantastic Mr Jack Whitehall.

The glorious Sean Collins was here.

Fantastic, wasn't she amazing, Andi Osho!

We love Andi Osho.

And the sensational Ardal O'Hanlon!

Thank you very much! Goodbye, Leeds!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd