Leeds Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow


Leeds

Stand-up from the Leeds Grand Theatre, where Michael McIntyre introduces Jack Whitehall, Andi Osho and Sean Collins, with Irish comic Ardal O'Hanlon headlining the show.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please give a big Leeds welcome to Michael McIntyre!

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Hello!

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Hello!

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Hello and welcome to our Comedy Roadshow!

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Very good!

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Right here in my favourite city of them all, it's Leeds!

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What is going on with the loop?

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I'm all for having an inner-city ring road,

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but can we go both ways around it?

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I had to go that way. I was at my hotel, and I had to go to the theatre there. Theatre is there.

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I could see the theatre.

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Took me 25 minutes,

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going around the whole city... to get almost back to my hotel.

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It should have taken a minute to get back to my hotel.

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Is this how you behave at home in Leeds? Sitting on the sofa -

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"Love, could you pass the remote control next to you?

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"Yeah, I'll bring that round to you now".

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LAUGHTER

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"There you go, love. On to't loop, eh? Eh?"

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I will be attempting a vague Yorkshire accent.

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I've done me 'omework!

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Eh, up! Eh, up!

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That's supposed to be "hello", according to you!

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Summat. Summat.

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I walked past a person yesterday. He went, "I gotta get summat in me stomach."

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Obviously a food lover there!

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Nowt! Nowt!

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My favourite is the fact that the word "the" has not reached this area.

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We have it in the south. It's freely used.

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I think somewhere around Junction 25 of the M1,

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the word "the" stops at the services and says, "I can go no further.

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"I'm staying here with my friends 'nothing' and 'something'.

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"You go on ahead, OK?"

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"Are you sure you're not coming?"

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"No, they can just go 't', like that."

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My first experience of this was when I went to the cinema in Leeds a few years ago.

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I saw The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

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I had more fun asking the woman what I'd booked to see

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than watching the entire film itself!

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"What is it I'm seeing today?"

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"T'Lion, t'Witch and t'Wardrobe."

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Are you kidding?

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"Wanna see summat else?

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"Wanna see summat else?

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"Cos there's nowt else to see here!

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"Are you taking t'piss?"

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I thought it would be a nice idea, just for a bit of fun,

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to go to HMV and get The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe,

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The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

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and an album by '70s sensation The The. Line them up

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on the counter of HMV in Leeds city centre.

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"What am I purchasing here today?"

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"T'Lion, t'Witch and t'Wardrobe,

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"t'Good, t'Bad and t'Ugly,

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"and T' T'!"

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Thank you so much!

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Next person in the queue - "Have you got Nowt Compares To Thee by Sinead O'Connor?"

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"Have you got There's Summat About Mary?"

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"Have you got Eh, Up by Lionel Richie?"

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# Eh, up! Is it me you're looking for? #

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"Yes, I am looking for you. Where are you?"

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"I'm on the loop. I'll be there in a minute, come on!"

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LAUGHTER

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I didn't gig in Leeds last year. The closest I got was Sheffield.

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They didn't let me in to my own show!

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I was doing the Sheffield Arena.

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They wouldn't let me in! There was a security guard on the door

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and I said, "Hi." Basically, I was cocky. I was cocky enough to waltz past him.

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He went, "Hey! Excuse me! Can I see your pass?"

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"I don't really have a pass."

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The pass, by the way, was round his neck and it had my face on it!

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The pass was my face!

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I said, "No, it's my show. My show."

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He went, "Rules are rules. I need to see your pass."

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I'm like, "But it's my face. Can I... Do you mind if I use my face

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"as the pass for my show?"

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He went, "No, that won't work. Give me your pass or you're not coming in."

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I said, "It's my show. It's my face!"

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He said, "The Queen's on money, but she can't use her face as a tenner. Get your pass!"

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Quite good logic. Quite good logic.

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I went to a carvery.

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You like a carvery in Yorkshire, don't you? Come on.

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You are united in your love of carvery.

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"£3.50 for two, come on!"

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Queue up.

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"I'll have some of that and some of that

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"and some of that and some of that. Give me all the meat on one plate.

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"Keep it going with the gravy!

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"Don't stop till it's swimming and I can't get it back to the table!

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"Oh, no, I forgot my Brussels sprouts. Can I have some?"

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"No, you have to go round the pub loop.

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"Go outside and through the car park." "Oh, no."

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LAUGHTER

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So I watch adverts during the day. I'm going to stop doing that, OK?

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They're aimed at people who watch TV in the day.

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I hope I'm not one of those people.

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A lot of bloated women seem to be watching TV.

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Activia yoghurt, that's the solution.

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This advert starts with a woman who's obviously in discomfort.

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She's not happy. She walks along like this.

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She's not happy.

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She looks at the camera to confirm it.

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"Ugh!" Then she has an Activia yoghurt, and she's fine.

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Smile on her face, quite light on her feet.

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Opens the front door, lovely sunny day.

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Begins her day, all because of Activia.

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Of course, what this advert's missed out is an enormous shit in the middle.

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It's completely inaccurate advertising.

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This ad should show her emerging from the loo, going "Jesus Christ!

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"Children, do not go in there.

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"Something's happened to Mummy after her Activia yoghurt.

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"I'm serious, children. Just brush your teeth at school today.

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"That really is quite something. I'm going to weigh myself.

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"That was an unbelievable occurrence. Thank you, Activia."

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There's something called the Snuggie that they advertise.

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Have you seen this? This is a blanket that you wear, OK?

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People watching television in the day

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are spending so much time doing nothing

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that they're wearing blankets.

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It is a blanket with sleeves

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so that you can easily access things,

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without having to ever take the blanket off you,

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because it's chilly.

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You can be in bed at all times!

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Lying on your DFS sofa, I assume.

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With your Activia yoghurt, listening to Michael Buble.

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He's advertised all day as well. Daytime viewers love Michael Buble.

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A lot of chafing as well, chafing gel.

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This advert is just a woman jumping.

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She's jumping, and you can clearly see

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that her legs are nowhere near one another, because chafing

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is when your legs rub against each other, yeah?

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I think the advice is probably, if you lose weight,

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your legs will separate and work as independent things from one another.

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No, this is not the advice. The advice is to lubricate the area

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so that they can slide against each other

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as you walk in your Snuggie to the fridge to get your Activia yoghurt,

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and then return to your DFS sofa and continue listening to Michael Buble.

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TENA Lady as well. I didn't know what it was. I had to google it.

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Women are pissing in their pants?

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Is it a condition? Is it voluntary?

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Are they so comfortable in their Snuggies,

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lying on their DFS sofa?

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Their favourite Buble track hasn't come on yet.

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"Oh, I'm dying for a pee.

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"I don't need to get up, thanks to my TENA Lady.

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"I can just pee here on the sofa.

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"The loo's out of bounds anyway

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"after the Activia situation half an hour ago."

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Is this really what's going on?

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These bloated, chafing, Snuggie-wearing,

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DFS sofa lying

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Buble listeners,

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surrounded by gold they haven't been bothered to cash yet?

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Is this what's going on?

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What is it with the gold? Is it news to people that gold is a commodity?

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Are people sitting there going

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"You're telling me this bullion is actually worth something?

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"Give me an extra Snuggie. I'm going to go out and sell this!"

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Please don't think I'm being unnecessarily rude here.

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These people are only there because they've had an accident at work.

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That's what's led them to this unfortunate situation.

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I like the accident at work one. We enjoy that as a family.

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You can see the wet floor, but she can't. She's walking... "Aaagh!"

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Or the one that goes "And they gave me the wrong type of ladder!"

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I think if your job involves going up ladders, select your own ladder.

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"I'd like a ladder, please.

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"I don't trust my own judgment in ladder selection.

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"If you could pick whatever ladder you see fit for the task,

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"the one with wheels?

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"Yes, I'll take that...aaagh!"

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Ladies and gentlemen, here's my first guest of the night.

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We are in for a real treat.

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This is a fast-rising young woman to success.

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She's absolutely wonderful. You'll love her. Give all your love to Miss Andi Osho!

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Hello!

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All right?

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How are we doing? Are we well?

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You're looking good.

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It's lovely to be here in Leeds. I'm from Newham in east London,

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voted the third worst place to live in Britain!

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-Woo!

-Thank you very much. I'm quite proud.

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We beat Hackney - they only came fifth. Who's the daddy now?

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The daddy is someone being chased by the Child Support Agency.

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I'll give you an example of what Newham is like, OK?

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This happened on my local bus. The bus is crawling down the bus lane.

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There's a girl at the back of the bus. Now, I'm not judging

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but she was white and chavvy.

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What? That is the only social group that black people know for definite we can look down on.

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Straight up.

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I look at chavvies and I say, "It's you bringing the house prices down, not us!"

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I'll tell you a couple of facts about chavvy types.

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Fact number one. There are more chavs round my way...

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Number two...

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Yeah, that was it!

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They don't wear glasses.

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Apart from little Ben in EastEnders, but he don't really count, bless him.

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And by the way, the woman that plays him is amazing!

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Was she one of the Krankies? She's brilliant.

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No, they don't wear glasses.

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You'll never get a chavvy type round my way going,

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"Oi, mate! I'm gonna punch your face in."

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Seriously, you won't.

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The reason? There are no opticians in Newham.

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The closest you get to an optician round my way is someone going, "Oi, look where you're going!"

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That is our optician. I don't want to go back. I want someone to adopt me.

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You could adopt me. Do you want to see my "adopt me" face? It'll break your heart.

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Just two pound a month.

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APPLAUSE

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Thing is...

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Thing is you just have to beat Madonna out of the way first though, eh?

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You know what I'm saying. Come on, we hate Madonna.

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Look how much charity work she's had to do just to get us to like her.

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She's all over Africa. She's like malaria.

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Still searching for a cure.

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Anyway, I'm on this bus. This is why Newham is the third worst place to live in Britain.

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We did try for second place, but Hull... Who knew?

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Really? Now, right, so we're on the bus, right.

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Bus is crawling down the bus lane, and this girl shouts out across the whole bus.

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She goes, "Oi, driver! Hurry up, mate! Some of us have gotta go to court, innit?

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Then she looks around to include all of us in that.

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Cos obviously we're all going to court.

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I was like, "Speak for yourself! I'm on bail."

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I'm guessing she's not the judge - maybe she is. Chantelle, QC.

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I can't see it myself.

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Round our way it would be MC Chantelle, QC, thank you very much.

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She'll be there in court going,

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-RAPS:

-You're getting five years cos you mugged that old lady

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But if you're good and if you're lucky, then just maybe...

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Oi, oi, oi, right?

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Buh, buh, buh!

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You're getting two weeks cos this system's bad crazy.

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All rise.

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You might get off though, bless her. Bless her heart.

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I love the sound that, like, the MCers...

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It was on MCers records for a while.

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They always had that sort of, "Ho, ho, ho!"

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I always thought it sounds like an animal, right,

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but how did they decide that

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that was the animal sound that was going to go on all of their records?

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Did they try other sounds out first?

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Did they go into the studio and go, "Bro, Bro I've got an idea, right,

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"hit record, check this out, yeah?

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-RAPS:

-"Check, one, two Respec' is overdue

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"To reggae music both old and new.

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"Miaow!"

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They should have at least tried it.

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I'm really stupid though, I love stupid sounds.

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I love the stupid sounds that we used to make when we were little kids.

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I wish we still did them now.

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Like, who used to do this when they were little? Who went...

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"Ummm!

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"I'm telling!"

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Yeah?

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Excellent, did you do that? Yeah?

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You grass.

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No-one likes a grass.

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I think we should still do it now in our adult lives.

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Like, so your mate calls you up, "Claire, it's me,

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"I've been having an affair, Darren doesn't suspect a thing!"

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And you just go, "Ummm!

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"I'm telling!"

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This is another one.

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I used to do this when I was a little kid, who used to do this?

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I used to go...

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"Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

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You'd have a competition with your brothers and sisters

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to see who could do it the longest.

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"You cheated, you breathed, "I'm telling mum."

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"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

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Some people know what I'm talking about.

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Other people are just staring at me like, what is wrong with her?

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For people who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll tell you why, OK?

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You had toys.

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OK, the rest of us, we just had, "Ahhhhhhhh!"

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It was all we had.

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I want you guys to enjoy it.

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The people who don't know what I'm saying, I want you to enjoy this.

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Bring this into your adult life. I'll tell you exactly when you use it, right.

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If you find yourself in a bit of an awkward, difficult situation,

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and you don't know what else to say, say that.

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Picture the scene. Say someone comes up to you and goes,

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"Did you realise you were doing 40mph in a 30mph zone?"

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And you just turn around to them and just go...

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"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

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Do it, people.

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Leeds, you've been absolutely delightful. Thanks! Good night!

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Brilliant. Andi Osho, ladies and gentlemen!

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Bravo! Come on!

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We love Andi Osho.

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I understand there's quite a lot of people here from Emmerdale. Right?

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CHEERING

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How's Emmerdale going?

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It's all right. Massive, Emmerdale.

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I love it. I love Emmerdale!

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I love the dale. Emmerdale.

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How's Emma? Is she all right, Emma?

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How many of you are here?

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-About 20.

-20?

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So there are 20 people here tonight who are in Emmerdale?

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Is there anyone left in Emmerdale?

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Tomorrow's episode is going to be pretty boring!

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Just a few sheep going, "Where is everybody?"

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"They're at Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow."

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"Baa!"

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HUMS EMMERDALE THEME TUNE

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I've jazzed the music up. You should go with my version.

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You should have somebody dancing. The fields are so boring!

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Have me on the hill!

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Baa!

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Oh, you're in Emmerdale, I know you, I've seen you.

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You're big in it. I've seen you in it.

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Dale! Up 'dale!

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-What's the name of your character?

-Andy.

-Andy.

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It's Andy!

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CHEERING

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Andy's got guns, haven't you, Andy?

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Are you a ladies man, Andy?

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Are their ladies in dales? Up Dale, down dale, come on!

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So tell me, Andy, what goes on?

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You'd been in the gym today? HE GRUNTS

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-You go to the gym?

-No, I've been working today.

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I've been, I've been.

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They have this punchbag shaped like a man. Have you seen one of these.

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It's like a head and a torso and you punch and kick him.

0:18:530:18:56

It's really good for fitness and I quite enjoy it as well.

0:18:560:19:00

Because you can punch it and it's not a real person.

0:19:000:19:02

I said to the people at the gym, "Can I get one? I want one for my home."

0:19:020:19:06

So he gave me the number for the sports equipment company

0:19:060:19:08

and I called them and said, "Can I get one of those men that you punch?

0:19:080:19:11

He said, "Do you want it in black or white?"

0:19:110:19:14

Ooh, how exactly am I supposed to answer this question?!

0:19:140:19:18

So I got both. I've got like an interracial gang in my house.

0:19:190:19:24

# Dee-dee-dee-dee. #

0:19:300:19:33

APPLAUSE

0:19:330:19:35

OK, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to welcome my next guest!

0:19:420:19:46

You are in for an absolute treat! This man has been an amazing comedian

0:19:480:19:53

for as long as I can remember.

0:19:530:19:54

It's such a pleasure to introduce him. Please welcome the fantastic, wonderful, glorious,

0:19:540:19:59

Mr Sean Collins is here!

0:19:590:20:01

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:20:010:20:03

-Hello.

-WEAKLY:

-Hello.

0:20:100:20:14

Don't worry. I'm Canadian but I've lived in England for five years.

0:20:140:20:17

I know that's pretty much the standard response to "Hello".

0:20:170:20:20

Just stare at me till I cry.

0:20:210:20:23

I recently got back from Afghanistan.

0:20:270:20:29

I did some shows for the British troops down there.

0:20:290:20:34

CHEERING

0:20:340:20:35

Thank you.

0:20:350:20:37

One of my favourite stories about being down there

0:20:370:20:40

was sitting outside one of the bases with five British soldiers

0:20:400:20:44

after a show, helicopters, mortar fire and machine gun fire

0:20:440:20:47

in the distance, and one of the soldiers said to me,

0:20:470:20:49

"Where are you performing when you get back to England?"

0:20:490:20:51

I said, "The first show I'm doing is in Nottingham."

0:20:510:20:53

One of the other soldiers looked at me and said,

0:20:530:20:56

"It's really dangerous up there, mate."

0:20:560:20:58

"You keep your head down when you're in Nottingham, son."

0:21:030:21:07

I love your country so much.

0:21:070:21:09

And quite frankly, it's because things don't work here.

0:21:090:21:13

And you guys don't seem to care.

0:21:140:21:16

That is the greatest attitude to have.

0:21:180:21:20

The trains in this country are the worst on the planet.

0:21:200:21:23

I've never seen anything like it.

0:21:230:21:25

What advantage is that to you guys? Well, it's simple.

0:21:250:21:28

You have the 2012 Olympics and you're going to win medals

0:21:280:21:32

cos other countries won't be able to get to the stadium.

0:21:320:21:35

Picture a poor long-distance runner from Kenya

0:21:350:21:38

sitting on a replacement bus in Slough!

0:21:380:21:40

Stadium? Not today.

0:21:450:21:47

Shouldn't have had your event on a Sunday.

0:21:470:21:51

It's still one of my favourite things to do.

0:21:510:21:54

Go to a train station on Sunday

0:21:540:21:56

and watch foreigners buy train tickets.

0:21:560:21:58

The look on their face when they're getting ushered onto a bus!

0:21:580:22:01

It's hilarious. It's the only country

0:22:040:22:07

where you can change the mode of transportation on somebody.

0:22:070:22:10

You see them staring at their train ticket for a second.

0:22:100:22:14

They look at the guy who's really unhappy that that's his job.

0:22:140:22:17

"But I have a train ticket."

0:22:170:22:20

"Get on the bus."

0:22:200:22:22

I got out of London.

0:22:280:22:30

I got burgled four times in 18 months, living in London.

0:22:300:22:34

-Woo!

-Yeah. Thank you(!)

0:22:340:22:36

We finally got out. Couldn't handle it.

0:22:390:22:41

I hate watching CSI programmes, too.

0:22:410:22:43

Anybody who watches CSI and thinks they're real,

0:22:430:22:46

deal with the detectives in this country.

0:22:460:22:49

The detective came the first time we got burgled and said,

0:22:490:22:52

"We're probably not going to catch him."

0:22:520:22:55

"Thanks for stopping by, Columbo! That's great!"

0:22:570:23:00

And when we got burgled the fourth time, the same detective looked at me and went, "Told you."

0:23:030:23:09

There's a law here that they go back and forth on,

0:23:110:23:14

what you should be allowed to do to a burglar,

0:23:140:23:17

should you be allowed to kill a burglar that enters your home.

0:23:170:23:20

I can tell you my feelings have changed now.

0:23:200:23:23

Not only should you be allowed to kill a burglar,

0:23:230:23:26

you should be allowed to do it at your own pace.

0:23:260:23:28

I would love a burglar to break into my place

0:23:280:23:31

and I'm just sitting there with a shotgun.

0:23:310:23:33

"Are you going to kill me?" "Not yet.

0:23:330:23:36

"You have some gardening to do first."

0:23:370:23:40

I think every woman should punch their man in the face

0:23:460:23:49

from time to time. Absolutely.

0:23:490:23:51

CHEERING

0:23:510:23:54

Why not? We're going to make a mistake eventually.

0:23:540:23:58

We'd much rather you punch us than talk.

0:23:580:24:02

Women are far better fighters than men. You use emotions we don't use.

0:24:080:24:11

Men just get mad and punch each other.

0:24:110:24:14

Women, you're like Jedis when you fight.

0:24:140:24:16

My ex punched me in the face.

0:24:160:24:17

My head turned, I could feel the blood trickling out of my nose.

0:24:170:24:21

This is when she got smarter than me.

0:24:210:24:23

By the time I turned back, she was crying.

0:24:230:24:25

Well, that's absolutely brilliant, isn't it(?)

0:24:280:24:30

I said, "What are you crying for?" And this is when she got genius.

0:24:300:24:33

She said, "I can't believe you made me

0:24:330:24:36

"so angry I punched you in the face!"

0:24:360:24:39

You know what I said? "Sorry!"

0:24:390:24:41

Anyways, Leeds, thank you so much.

0:24:470:24:49

You've been wonderful. See you later. Bye.

0:24:490:24:53

Well done. Fantastic.

0:24:530:24:55

Sean Collins, ladies and gentlemen!

0:24:550:24:57

What a night we're having!

0:24:570:25:00

People from Emmerdale, did you enjoy the first half?

0:25:040:25:06

Yeah!

0:25:060:25:08

Did you enjoy the first half,

0:25:080:25:09

man in green T-shirt who refuses to respond to anything?

0:25:090:25:13

"I'll let others respond to these questions!"

0:25:130:25:15

What is your name?

0:25:150:25:17

-Michael.

-Hello, Michael.

0:25:170:25:20

-So where are you from, Michael?

-Burnley.

0:25:200:25:22

What do you do in Burnley?

0:25:220:25:24

What do you mean, what do I do?

0:25:240:25:26

What do I mean, what do you do?

0:25:260:25:28

We are involved in small talk, not a confrontation!

0:25:300:25:34

I'll have a conversation to show you...

0:25:360:25:39

LAUGHTER

0:25:390:25:41

..the conversation we're about to have. Hello, Jane McDonald.

0:25:410:25:45

-What do you do?

-I'm a TV presenter.

-A TV presenter!

0:25:450:25:50

-Hello, Mike. What do you do?

-TV presenter.

-TV presenter!

0:25:520:25:57

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:25:570:26:01

You're not supposed to literally say that.

0:26:070:26:09

You're supposed to apply the question to your own life!

0:26:090:26:13

But Mike, technically you are right.

0:26:130:26:15

I gave you an example of how that works

0:26:180:26:20

and you followed it exactly how I showed you.

0:26:200:26:22

-Pauline Quirke, what do you do?

-I'm an actress.

-You're an actress?

0:26:290:26:32

You see, she's given her own...

0:26:320:26:35

She's involved her own lifestyle in the question.

0:26:350:26:37

Hello, Mike. What do you do?

0:26:370:26:40

A production manager in an automotive company.

0:26:400:26:42

There you go, a production manager in an automotive company. Come on!

0:26:420:26:46

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:26:460:26:50

Does it always take so long when you're filling in forms?

0:26:500:26:53

Do you always have to go through Jane McDonald and Pauline Quirke?

0:26:530:26:56

"What occupation? Can you get Jane McDonald on t'phone?

0:26:580:27:02

"And Pauline Quirk, please?"

0:27:020:27:04

Thank you, Mike. I think we're getting on a lot better.

0:27:040:27:08

Ladies and gentlemen, ready for our next guest?

0:27:080:27:10

CHEERING

0:27:100:27:13

I'm so excited to see him. He's making a name for himself, well deserved.

0:27:130:27:16

Please welcome to the stage the fantastic Mr Jack Whitehall is here!

0:27:160:27:21

Good evening, Leeds!

0:27:260:27:29

Hello!

0:27:330:27:35

So, yes, I'm Jack. I'm 22 years old

0:27:350:27:39

and I'm ashamed to say I still live with my parents.

0:27:390:27:42

Which is very hard, because my dad is very old.

0:27:420:27:45

He's 70 years old, very old-fashioned.

0:27:450:27:47

I say old-fashioned - racist!

0:27:470:27:50

Not proper racist. He's not like Nick Griffin.

0:27:500:27:53

Nick Griffin, who I have decided is a terrible person,

0:27:530:27:56

but does make very entertaining television.

0:27:560:27:59

The proof is in the little racist pudding.

0:27:590:28:02

More people tuned in to watch Nick Griffin

0:28:020:28:05

when he was on Question Time than have ever bothered to watch

0:28:050:28:08

an episode of that show in the history of the programme.

0:28:080:28:12

It made me think, "I reckon a couple more of these shows

0:28:120:28:15

"with dwindling viewing figures? Play the Nick Griffin card!"

0:28:150:28:19

Weakest Link, that's boring as shit.

0:28:190:28:22

But put Nick Griffin on and I'll watch it!

0:28:220:28:24

Who are you voting for this week, Nick?

0:28:240:28:26

"I'm going to vote for Narinder." Why?

0:28:260:28:29

"Because she's..." That's all we've got time for.

0:28:290:28:32

It's hard living at home.

0:28:320:28:35

Basically, I've always been a bit of a mummy's boy. I can't help it.

0:28:350:28:38

When I was younger, I wished my mum had made me play sport.

0:28:380:28:42

I wish I'd been good at sport. But my mum let me do what I want.

0:28:420:28:46

And look at me now. I'm 22 years old.

0:28:460:28:48

Can I play sport to a level where I earn thousands a week? No.

0:28:480:28:52

Can I play football to a level

0:28:520:28:53

where I get to date one of Girls Aloud? No!

0:28:530:28:56

Do you know what I can play?

0:28:560:28:58

I can play recorder to grade level seven.

0:28:580:29:02

Do you realise how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.

0:29:020:29:07

My mum lied to me. She said, "Women love a musician."

0:29:070:29:11

Not a recorderist!

0:29:110:29:12

The only way I'll get a girl into bed using the recorder is to knock her out with it.

0:29:120:29:17

I found school very hard. A lot of stuff we were taught at school was pointless.

0:29:200:29:25

The worst one was French, right?

0:29:250:29:28

I was taught French to the age of 16.

0:29:280:29:30

I gave it up. I forgot all the French I was taught - other than one phrase.

0:29:300:29:33

One phrase that is ingrained into my memory that I will never be able to dispel.

0:29:330:29:38

And that is the phrase, "Ou est la piscine dans La Rochelle?"

0:29:380:29:42

Yeah. Cos the text book used in UK schools for the past 30 years

0:29:420:29:46

is a text book called Tricolor.

0:29:460:29:50

Now, the geniuses at Tricolor

0:29:500:29:53

decided to set every hypothetical scenario,

0:29:530:29:56

where you have to ask for directions,

0:29:560:29:58

in a town called La Rochelle.

0:29:580:30:01

I researched La Rochelle recently.

0:30:010:30:03

It's a northern industrial town in France with a population of 32,000.

0:30:030:30:08

Which is half of Grimsby! I doubt they even have a swimming pool,

0:30:080:30:11

but we all know how to get there!

0:30:110:30:13

And why? Cos the French were screwing with us.

0:30:130:30:16

They had their little meeting. Christophe, Pierre,

0:30:160:30:19

"Where should we set the text book for the English tourists?"

0:30:190:30:22

"What about Paris? Let's set the book in Paris."

0:30:220:30:26

"I live in Paris! I do not want the English pig-dogs,

0:30:260:30:31

'J'adore le cabaret' pieces of shit in my town!

0:30:310:30:35

"Find somewhere else." "What about Marseille, a popular destination in le sud de la France?"

0:30:350:30:40

"Non, non, non, non, non!

0:30:400:30:42

"I have friends and famille that live in Marseille.

0:30:420:30:46

"I do not want Barry and Richard on their holiday,

0:30:460:30:49

"asking for directions to my mother's bibliotheque!

0:30:490:30:52

"We need to find another town."

0:30:520:30:55

"May I ask, Christophe, Pierre,

0:30:550:30:58

and those people here with a stereotypical French name,

0:30:580:31:01

"including you, Jean-Paul, does anybody live in the town of La Rochelle?"

0:31:010:31:05

"No, of course! No-one lives in La Rochelle!

0:31:050:31:07

"It has a population of cinq personnes,

0:31:070:31:10

"the only place in France that does not have a swimming pool!"

0:31:100:31:14

What we need to do is get our own back on the French kids.

0:31:160:31:20

We need to set them a text book that is set in Crewe. Yeah!

0:31:200:31:24

Let's see how they like that when they come over here with their poxy little English!

0:31:240:31:29

Christophe, Christophe, vois ici!

0:31:290:31:31

"Excuse me, sir. Bonjour. Do you have any directions..."

0:31:310:31:35

"Aye. You and your little friend can turn around and you can piss off!"

0:31:350:31:42

I get very annoyed by advertising.

0:31:510:31:53

I think the worst adverts by far on television

0:31:530:31:55

are the government adverts you get.

0:31:550:31:58

They're always very aggressive,

0:31:580:32:00

but always for the most menial crimes.

0:32:000:32:03

It's always for TV licences, or, "Video piracy is a crime.

0:32:030:32:07

"You could end up in jail."

0:32:070:32:09

It's not a real crime, is it?

0:32:090:32:11

Are you telling me that if went down to my local prison,

0:32:110:32:14

I'd overhear conversations in jail cells between cellmates

0:32:140:32:17

getting to know each other. "So, what are you in here for?"

0:32:170:32:20

"I murdered my family in their sleep,

0:32:200:32:22

"smothered my own parents to death with my bare hands!"

0:32:220:32:25

"What about you, pretty boy?"

0:32:250:32:27

"I recorded the Harry Potter film on my Sony Ericsson.

0:32:290:32:33

"Do you like quidditch?

0:32:330:32:35

It seems the more aggressive the advert,

0:32:370:32:39

the more menial the crime is.

0:32:390:32:42

You turn it on and it's, "Look at you! You're pathetic!

0:32:420:32:44

"You are worse than a sex offender! I hate you, everybody hates you!

0:32:440:32:48

"I hope you get cholera! It's a criminal offence.

0:32:480:32:50

"You could end up in jail with a maximum prison sentence of 25 years!

0:32:500:32:53

"All your family and loved ones will be hating you

0:32:530:32:55

"and wishing you suffered from a degenerative disease!""

0:32:550:32:58

EXPLOSION EFFECTS

0:32:580:33:00

"Don't fish without a rod license!"

0:33:000:33:03

You guys have been absolutely wonderful.

0:33:070:33:10

I've been Jack Whitehall. Thank you. Good night!

0:33:100:33:13

Fantastic. Jack Whitehall, ladies and gentlemen. We love him!

0:33:170:33:21

APPLAUSE

0:33:210:33:23

I've seen the football, Leeds football.

0:33:260:33:28

How does the chant go? We are Leeds! We are Leeds!

0:33:280:33:33

I love the way you have to remind yourselves which team you're supporting!

0:33:330:33:37

"We are Leeds! Which one are we again?" "I just said - we are Leeds.

0:33:370:33:41

"Listen to the others! We are Leeds!"

0:33:410:33:44

You're the only supporters to have answered the question, "Who are ya?"

0:33:440:33:48

"We are Leeds! I've been saying this all t'first half!"

0:33:480:33:52

We've had an amazing night and it's going to get better.

0:33:550:33:58

Let me introduce, ladies and gentlemen, our headline act!

0:33:580:34:02

CHEERING

0:34:020:34:05

Without a doubt one of the country's leading comedians, someone I've admired for years,

0:34:050:34:10

please enjoy him, the wonderful Ardal O'Hanlon is here!

0:34:100:34:15

Ah, now.

0:34:250:34:27

Leeds, that's a little bit over the top there, ladies and gentlemen.

0:34:270:34:32

But very welcome, I have to say.

0:34:320:34:33

Thank you so much for that. Whatever happens next,

0:34:330:34:36

I'm going to look back on tonight as a great success.

0:34:360:34:40

My name is Ardal, by the way. It's a real name.

0:34:400:34:43

People are always asking me, "What sort of a name is Ardal?"

0:34:430:34:46

In quite a hostile way, sometimes.

0:34:460:34:48

"What sort of a name is Ardal?"

0:34:480:34:50

As if I picked it. As if I enjoyed being called "Ardal, the dardle, the big fat mardle" all my life!

0:34:500:34:55

Did I like it? No, I didn't.

0:34:550:34:58

The truth is, my parents named me after a village in Norway. This is true.

0:34:580:35:02

It's best known for an aluminium plant and has been linked with a serious outbreak of Alzheimer's.

0:35:020:35:07

They've a very weird sense of humour, my parents.

0:35:070:35:10

Called me after an environmental disaster zone.

0:35:100:35:13

I'm just being paranoid, according to my brothers, Chernobyl and Hiroshima.

0:35:130:35:19

I had a really embarrassing incident this week.

0:35:250:35:28

I was on a train and I offered my seat to a woman.

0:35:280:35:31

I started talking to her. She didn't like that,

0:35:310:35:34

but I gave her my seat, so the least she could do was have a chat.

0:35:340:35:37

And I said to her, I said, "When are you due?"

0:35:370:35:40

Of course, I probably shouldn't have said that. It wasn't the first time.

0:35:400:35:44

And she looked at me with horror. She wasn't pregnant, she was just a bit fat.

0:35:440:35:49

But quick as a flash, I covered my tracks.

0:35:490:35:52

I said, "When are you due another snack?" So...

0:35:520:35:55

It's brilliant to be here in Leeds. I have to tell you that.

0:36:020:36:06

Last weekend was pretty traumatic. I was home in Dublin.

0:36:060:36:09

We were having a family meeting, my brothers and sisters and I.

0:36:090:36:13

It was a meeting we'd been putting off for a very long time.

0:36:130:36:16

It was the "What are we going to do with Mammy?" meeting.

0:36:160:36:19

I don't know if any of you have had that one yet.

0:36:190:36:22

Since the accident, she spends all day looking through the window.

0:36:220:36:25

I wanted to let her in, but they were having none of it.

0:36:250:36:29

That's the sort of people I grew up with.

0:36:330:36:35

So, that's what's going on.

0:36:360:36:38

I should warn you, ladies and gentlemen,

0:36:380:36:40

due to very harsh economic conditions everywhere,

0:36:400:36:42

I've had to cut the number of jokes in my set tonight.

0:36:420:36:45

I apologise for that.

0:36:450:36:46

I've had to let all my joke writers go

0:36:460:36:49

and outsource the whole operation to India.

0:36:490:36:52

That's the way it's going, so most of my current material

0:36:520:36:54

is about arranged marriages

0:36:540:36:56

and the perils of bathing in the Ganges.

0:36:560:36:59

I'm not sure how it will fare in Leeds,

0:36:590:37:01

but I'm a big hit in Mumbai, so that's something.

0:37:010:37:05

Sanjeev actually wrote that bit.

0:37:050:37:07

And that bit, so he's getting the hang of it.

0:37:070:37:10

I think it's very important that we all look on the bright side,

0:37:100:37:14

ladies and gentlemen. Going forward, we must be positive.

0:37:140:37:18

One advantage of the recession is that obese people

0:37:180:37:21

aren't getting a hard time anymore. You don't read so much about it

0:37:210:37:23

or anything. Everyone's thinking,

0:37:230:37:25

"Oh, they're the clever ones. Putting it all away for a rainy day."

0:37:250:37:29

Mind you, I was reading in the newspaper that on some

0:37:310:37:33

American airlines, they're charging obese people for two seats.

0:37:330:37:36

Can you believe that?

0:37:360:37:37

That's just a bit mean, isn't it?

0:37:370:37:39

Ryanair, crafty as ever, they're on the case as well.

0:37:390:37:41

They're charging schizophrenics for two seats.

0:37:410:37:44

They always go too far, don't they? Did you hear the latest ruse?

0:37:460:37:49

They're charging for emotional baggage now. I kid you not!

0:37:490:37:52

When will it stop?

0:37:520:37:53

We've got to try and be positive. My father was an incredibly upbeat man.

0:37:550:37:58

He was one of these people who say the best way to be positive

0:37:580:38:01

is to live every day as if it's your last day on earth.

0:38:010:38:03

It's good advice, isn't it?

0:38:030:38:05

What I do is I spend all day in bed with an oxygen mask

0:38:050:38:08

and some rosary beads.

0:38:080:38:09

You should try that.

0:38:090:38:11

It's not easy to be positive, ladies and gentlemen.

0:38:110:38:15

I'm a Catholic. It's not easy being a Catholic nowadays.

0:38:150:38:17

I mean, it was never easy being a Catholic,

0:38:170:38:20

but now with all the scandals worldwide, it's horrendous.

0:38:200:38:23

I think the Pope should resign. I think the cardinals should resign

0:38:230:38:26

and I think God himself should seriously consider his position at this stage.

0:38:260:38:29

I mean, he must've known what was going on.

0:38:290:38:32

He should quit and be replaced

0:38:320:38:34

by one of the Hindu fellas with all the arms and the legs.

0:38:340:38:36

Sanjeev assured me that would get a bit of a titter.

0:38:360:38:41

It's terrible, you can't have any association with the church.

0:38:410:38:44

You can't even admit to being a fictional priest anymore,

0:38:440:38:47

that's what I find personally.

0:38:470:38:48

I don't say this lightly,

0:38:520:38:54

but I think the Pope is a big, fat liar. He is!

0:38:540:38:56

You just know when he's apologising to the faithful,

0:38:560:38:58

he's hiding another priest under his cassock.

0:38:580:39:01

You just know that!

0:39:010:39:03

Even the word cassock, it's an anagram of ass and cock.

0:39:030:39:06

That's how depraved! That's how depraved they are!

0:39:060:39:10

I think the truth is, things are pretty grim everywhere.

0:39:130:39:17

We've all got to tighten our belts now, don't we?

0:39:170:39:19

I went to a restaurant with my wife the other night.

0:39:190:39:21

I have a wife, hooray!

0:39:210:39:23

Wives are great. We went down to a restaurant for an argument.

0:39:230:39:26

We were there for a little while.

0:39:260:39:27

Some of you who have wives know what I'm talking about.

0:39:300:39:32

It was the anniversary of our first argument

0:39:320:39:35

and we were there for a while.

0:39:350:39:36

She had a starter and I didn't bother myself,

0:39:360:39:39

and then we went home.

0:39:390:39:40

On the way out, I took a huge, big handful of mints

0:39:400:39:43

and an extra coat, so it turned out to be a pretty good night after all.

0:39:430:39:48

There are so many manly things that I cannot do.

0:39:480:39:51

I can't even open a bra with any sort of competence or distinction.

0:39:510:39:55

That's something all men should be able to do from an early age.

0:39:550:39:59

Open a bra. Women appreciate a bit of dexterity in that department.

0:39:590:40:03

If you don't have a girlfriend, ask a friend to put on a bra, and practise on him.

0:40:030:40:08

It's important. Women hate all the awkward fumbling. "Oh, God, I'll do it myself!"

0:40:080:40:12

Then, of course, the magic is gone.

0:40:120:40:15

My wife knows all she has to do is wear a bra

0:40:150:40:17

and she's safe from my advances.

0:40:170:40:19

Two bras and another set of knickers and she's inviolate!

0:40:190:40:22

Sometimes, she slings a bra across the front door and I can't even get into the house!

0:40:220:40:27

She keeps all her money in her bra.

0:40:310:40:33

And her biscuits.

0:40:330:40:35

But making love is not an unpleasant activity

0:40:390:40:42

if memory serves me correctly.

0:40:420:40:44

But as a term, it leaves a lot to be desired. "Making love."

0:40:440:40:48

It just sounds a little bit insipid.

0:40:480:40:51

It doesn't describe the act effectively. "How did it go last night?"

0:40:510:40:54

"We made love and then we watched Location, Location, Location.

0:40:540:40:58

"A great night."

0:40:580:41:00

When lads are together, the language is more robust, more effective.

0:41:000:41:04

"How did you get on last night?"

0:41:040:41:06

"Ohhh! Ohhh!

0:41:060:41:08

"I screwed her. I nailed her. I drilled her." All DIY terminology.

0:41:080:41:14

"I sanded her down, so I did.

0:41:150:41:17

"I primed her, I applied two coats and I let her dry."

0:41:170:41:21

There are plenty of euphemisms for this activity.

0:41:250:41:27

Doesn't have to be DIY. "Oh, she was leaking and I sorted that out."

0:41:270:41:31

Maybe not that one!

0:41:310:41:33

You know what I mean.

0:41:340:41:36

The most important time of the day for anyone who's in a relationship

0:41:360:41:40

is the first half hour before you get into bed in the evening.

0:41:400:41:43

All of us live busy lives. This is the chance to catch up on the day's events.

0:41:430:41:48

Discuss your hopes and your dreams for the future.

0:41:480:41:50

And to blame each other for stuff that went wrong earlier on!

0:41:500:41:54

It's a great opportunity to touch each other.

0:41:540:41:57

Maybe not like that - that won't get you very far! "Stop it, you freak!"

0:41:570:42:01

It's an important time. Don't squander it.

0:42:030:42:06

It's also the time of the day when my wife texts everyone she knows.

0:42:060:42:09

It's infuriating. It goes on for hours.

0:42:090:42:12

The only way I can get her attention in bed is by text!

0:42:120:42:15

"Move over. You've got the whole duvet!"

0:42:150:42:18

Then I get a text back. "Who is this?"

0:42:190:42:22

So I'm having an affair at the moment.

0:42:260:42:29

With my wife, I should stress. We're both very lazy. It's a game we play.

0:42:310:42:35

Something I'll share with you that you can use in your lives if you need it.

0:42:350:42:39

I arrive home on Tuesday afternoon, pretending to be my wife's secret lover.

0:42:390:42:44

I'm wearing a cravat and clogs and special leggings.

0:42:440:42:47

We got to the bedroom and take our clothes off.

0:42:470:42:49

She goes, "We shouldn't!" And I go, "We should!"

0:42:490:42:52

And then this good friend of ours, Tony, calls around,

0:42:520:42:55

pretending to be my wife's husband.

0:42:550:42:57

And... Yeah...

0:42:570:43:00

I have to very quickly put on all my clothes

0:43:000:43:03

and climb out the window and stay away for about three hours.

0:43:030:43:06

But I'm not a fool.

0:43:120:43:14

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all from me.

0:43:140:43:16

Thanks very much for listening to me and good night. Thank you. Cheers.

0:43:160:43:20

Ardal O'Hanlon, ladies and gentlemen!

0:43:250:43:28

Fantastic! That concludes tonight's entertainment.

0:43:290:43:33

Please give it up for all our wonderful acts.

0:43:330:43:36

The fantastic Mr Jack Whitehall.

0:43:360:43:40

The glorious Sean Collins was here.

0:43:400:43:43

Fantastic, wasn't she amazing, Andi Osho!

0:43:430:43:48

We love Andi Osho.

0:43:480:43:50

And the sensational Ardal O'Hanlon!

0:43:500:43:53

Thank you very much! Goodbye, Leeds!

0:43:530:43:55

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:44:120:44:15

Michael McIntyre visits some of the UK's most prestigious and iconic stand-up comedy venues, unearthing a raft of comedy's brightest new talent and finest comedians en route. The series concludes with a trip to the Leeds Grand Theatre, where Michael introduces sets from Jack Whitehall, Andi Osho and Sean Collins. The ever-popular Ardal O'Hanlon closes the show.


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