I Do, But to Who? Miranda

Hi. It's beyond smashing to see your lovely faces again.

Except yours, wipe that off.

Bet you all checked!

This is no time for frivolity.

As you may remember, I just had two proposals.

-Miranda?

-Miranda?

Oh, I'm really flapping now. I don't know what to do.

Just marry someone!

Or go to Utah, marry them both!

Wish I'd done that with your father and Nigel Havers.

Ugh!

Miranda, I truly mean this proposal.

I know how happy you'd make me, and I'd treasure you forever.

-ALL:

-Awww!

Well, I...

Argh! My knee's gone. Ow!

-ALL:

-Oh!

Pathetic.

Oh! Shut up, Mike!

Stop it! I'm going to run away. I can't cope with it!

-No, no, no, wait!

-Don't!

-BOTH: Marry me!

Or, hat in ring. Marry me.

-ALL:

-What?!

Three proposals?! Get in!

-Chazzle!

-No, jesting, hilarium.

Not hilarium, Chazzle, actually.

This is meant to be my moment, isn't it? What are they doing?

You're all engagement-ruining idiots!

MIRANDA SIGHS

Oh, are you all right, Big One?

I should know the answer. I just, I really want to know.

Fear not, I'm all over this, like whipped cream on Gary Barlow.

Pace.

Mike and Gary, pros and cons.

This is my life, not a corporate meeting!

Er, steady, sire. Pace.

Right, let's call it, "love positives" and "qualms".

Qualms is a good word. I do have qualms.

I have qualms about them both.

I've said "qualms" too much now.

I have qualms about the word qualms. I have qualm qualms.

Er, hush your mouth now, Big One, please.

Shouldn't they be running after me if they really meant it? Right.

God, you decide.

I'm going to marry whoever comes through that door first.

Miranda.

Unacceptable!

I hope you're deciding, we're all on tenterhooks next door.

I can't wait to shove this engagement, whoever it's with,

in Belinda's smug, tennis president, MBE-bestowed,

effortless weight-loss achieving, perfect bum in jodhpur,

"I once met Mary Berry" face,

with love.

Between Mike and Gary, just give me a sign.

Hi!

I think I've waited as long as I could,

but I just really need to know.

I think I've said it all, but just... Well, I love you.

GARY PANTS

I love you too, Mike.

I know.

I love you very much.

But I want to marry Gary.

And not just because it rhymes.

I'm sorry, Mike.

These things are all meant.

You're a good man, Mike.

Right, yes. I'll leave you to, um...

-I'll speak to you later.

-Yeah.

Right, before you say anything, I did run straight after you,

but I went to go and get a ring first

because I want to do a proper proposal.

Well, I say ring, in the time, these.

Yum!

-That's the ring.

-Oh, sorry, yes.

That's a bit small, that one.

And that's a bit jaggedy. They're yummy!

I thought this might happen, so I got a back-up.

Miranda...

Ooh, it's happening!

Wellingtons up!

-Miranda, will you...

-Ooh, I bloody love crisps.

-Kind of on a flow here, Charlie!

-Oh, big, fat soz.

Miranda, will you...

MOBILE BEEPS LOUDLY

Oh, bear with.

This is my moment, Tilly!

-Just shush!

-Thank you.

Miranda.

Will you do me the honour of being

forever and always, because don't ever leave me,

of being...

Welling up!

..of being my wife?

Yes!

Finally! In your botoxed face, Belinda,

and anyone else who said Miranda's only long-term relationship

would be with Dairy Milk.

I'm getting married to Gary! I'm getting Garried!

THEY SING A CONGA TUNE

Tremendio Iglesias Kong!

Come on, let's go back and celebrate!

I'd better go and sort out this party.

But, speaking of finally,

-do you think I might be able to stay over tonight?

-Yes, you can.

I love you.

I'll see you later.

BREATHLESSLY Yes.

SHE GIGGLES

THEY GIGGLE TOGETHER

What?

He didn't say, "I love you".

He's never, he's never actually said, "I love you".

He's just asked you, in no uncertain terms, to marry him, you fool!

THEY LAUGH TOGETHER

What?

Will we still play Where's Miranda? And have games nights?

Nothing will change, Little One.

Indeed, I challenge you to our latest game of

Snackeralympics Peperami Jenga.

Challenge accepted.

Now, let's forthwith to the restaurant to see my fiance!

SHE LAUGHS

Er...you're prancing like an oversized pony.

Oh, my goodness, I'm a fiancee.

I'm going to be a wife. I'm flapping again now.

Will I have to make house, and deal with throws and pelmets?

I don't know what pelmets are, what are pelmets?

The love of your life has just proposed to you,

-that's all you need to think.

-Yes.

Now, let's prance-ay to my fiance-ay.

It's like human dressage.

I'm getting married!

Yay!

I nipped back before Gary left the party because

tonight is the night when dos become uno.

And I realised, and forgive, but I've got no grown-up pantinage.

I'm a fiancee, I should have linger-ee and thongs.

And I should be able to say thongs without wanting to thay

the rest of the thentence like this!

Ooh, there are my thlippers.

So, I'm totally nude.

I'm as Mother Nature intended.

She is a very cruel woman.

DOOR SLAMS He's here!

Hello, Mr Lover-Lover.

-You were not meant to see that!

-I did not need to see that!

-I'm sorry!

-Arghh, my eyes! Aahh!

SHE SCREAMS

It's getting offensive now, actually!

I was not expecting you.

It's Snackeralympics, you challenged.

Yeah, but tonight, hell of a night.

-Dos become uno.

-Peperami Jenga!

-I'll set it up, OK?

-OK.

Not OK!

Right, you.

-Come here!

-No. No, no, no.

-Yes, yes,

-I've waited 15 years for this.

-It's just that Stevie...

STEVIE SCREAMS

Argh! Male downstairs department!

Urgh! Female downstairs department!

Oh, well, this isn't awkward(!)

-Let's play.

-Yeah, great idea.

That's worked out, hasn't it?

(Get rid of her!)

(She's not adjusting.)

-What?

-(Adjusting.)

What are you doing?

MOUTHS: I just...

SHE SPEAKS NORMALLY: I was miming...

# Ag-a-doo-doo-doo Push pineapple, shake a tree. #

Stevie, the thing is I'm staying tonight.

Yay! Sleepover! So, activities. Karaoke?

Sex with Miranda.

Well, I don't want to have sex with Miranda.

Can people stop saying... MOUTHS: ..sex?

-Ugh! Intimacy issues!

-Right, that's it.

OK, I've got a new game.

It is called, Could Stevie Leave Right Now, Please?

Sorry? Are you chucking Stevie out?

Stevie cannot believe this!

You do know that you are Stevie?

You said nothing would change.

But tonight, you know, there will be times when we need boundaries

so there isn't overcrowding.

Boundaries? Overcrowding? Hark at her!

I mean, yes, you are "engaged".

What's this?

Well, I'm miming locking a toilet door. You're engaged.

You are also, toilet door again, vacant of compassion.

-Oh, finally we get the point.

-And, in many ways, you are...

out of order.

What, again with the classic toilet door metaphors?

-Absolutely ridiculous!

-Immediately ditching your best friend.

-I am not!

Nothing's changed!

Everything's changed!

-Making tea for my husband-to-be.

-Ooh! I like the sound of that.

Ahhhh...

-You know, something crossed my mind this morning.

-Oh, no, what?

No, it's good, it's good.

Well, it's a bit silly now.

It's just, you're going to make me very happy.

You're sweet!

Now, do you think we might be able to spend some time on our own today?

-You know, finally have some peace?

-Please!

Mornington, Strictly Kong Dancing! Aw!

We are desperating for a cup of cha-cha-cha.

-BOTH:

-One, two, cha-cha-cha!

-Cuppa-rooney?

-Cuppa-Wayne-Rooney.

THEY LAUGH

HE SNORTS LIKE A HORSE

BOTH: Sorry, what are you two doing?

Summer wedding administration starts now.

Wedmin!

-Weddington Boots!

-Utter thrilly-bots. Tea, please.

Now, um, guest list. I'm at 450.

Oh! Weenie, Pendulous!

-No, no, I can't do this.

-You're not wobbling, are you, Gary?

Any chance to neckie some brekkie?

Wedmin, focus, petit prince.

So, cake-wise, I have made cake-ulations.

And the best man for the job is Kate and Pip-Pip's cousin, Titus.

-Oh, Titty?

-Yup. Big Titty.

-I can't cope.

-Samples ici.

Bit Lloyd Gross, tasting cake so early.

Oh, yeah! I've never had cake for breakfast. Never.

Never done that.

LAUGHING: I have!

Small bites.

I like that.

Now, tonight, Gary, I've called the restaurant,

spoke to that waitress, what's her name?

-Jacinta.

-Didn't you date a Jacinta once?

-We can have the engagement party there.

-What? No!

-Another party?

-Not tonight.

-No, no, please!

-Such fun! All arranged, all settled.

Just a small do.

You still not socially up to more, Donkeyest Kong?

MUSIC: Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

SHE BREAKS WIND

CAR ENGINE REVS

Oh!

-Now, order of service.

-No, no, stop, stop, stop!

-Just everyone, stop!

-Oh, no, Gary, no, please, no!

I can't do this.

You see, this is what I feared,

-you're just never going to commit to marriage.

-I'm so sorry.

Gary, pull yourself together.

I've seen less wobble in one of Miranda's pilates classes.

No, I mean, I can't do THIS.

Can we not just get married as soon as possible?

Let's get married in no more than three weeks.

No way-der-hosen!

Oh, way-der-hosen!

Three weeks!

I'll buy our pelmets. For the kitchen? Bathroom?

What are pelmets?

Are they helmets for pens?

Three weeks! SHE GIGGLES

I can't stop prancing.

Morning, Stevie.

Have I told you quite how pretty you look this morning?

Talk to the pinky because you are...

stinky!

Right, well, it sounds like I'll have to find somebody else

to be my head bridesmaid.

This shouldn't take long.

Five, four, three...

I'll probably ask Tilly.

Two, one.

I want to be your head bridesmaid. I've got to be your head bridesmaid!

I'm the perfect head bridesmaid!

Oh, I'm sorry!

-I was just scared of being lonely.

-No, I'm sorry. I was insensitive.

Promise you won't be one of those brides that forgets her best friend?

I promise. And I was thinking, why don't you organise

a girlie weekend away for just us?

Oh, yes! I will nail this like an enthusiastic hammer.

I need you, Stevie. I'm terrified Gary's going to bolt.

Oh, stop this. He won't!

I bet he's said "I love you" now.

Well, no.

He did just say he wants to get married in no less than three weeks.

Well, there you go.

THEY SING THE WEDDING MARCH

I am going to get my fiancee act together.

For starters, I am going to regain some feminine mystique.

Or GAIN some feminine mystique.

-None taken.

-We need to get some lingerie,

perfume that isn't Febreze.

You do know Mountain Fresh is not a scent?

I'll sort you out. We'll go for lunch together, and then we'll shop.

Hi.

-BOTH:

-Phwoar!

-Oh, let's not be those women again.

-No, absolutely, no.

-First.

-I am. I am.

-Let me... It's unseemly to...

-I can give it back.

-No, I'll give it back.

-I can give it.

THEY BICKER

I'm also singl...

Now, ladies...

-Ooh, ladies?

-Ladies?

-THEY GIGGLE

-Well, he's a fireman!

-He's a fireman!

The Fire Service are installing your smoke alarms for free

if you want to book in.

BTW, she isn't actually available because she is enga...

England's number one sex goddess!

Enchantee to you, sir!

Er, ignore her.

Put me out, because I am on fire!

-Oh, I'm really pleased with that.

-Excuse me, I was here first actually!

Excuse me! If one thing should change...

It's this.

-Hi! Sorry.

-You frightened him away!

Right, you, come with me, I clearly need to buy you a ring.

-What, now?

-Shall we?

-Shall we?

No, sorry, I can't, no, I'm having lunch with Stevie.

Psssst!

Let me just confer with my tiny little colleague.

-You've got to go.

-Why?

He's buying you a ring. This is the "I love you" moment.

Oh, yes, OK. Right.

Why don't us two meet for tea?

Yay. We'll meet at three.

We've gone really low, and really close.

I know, I'm like a giraffe at a watering hole.

Miranda?

THEY SHRIEK

Sorry, sorry, husband.

It's just that your wife is full o' mystique.

So, let's ring shop.

-Camp!

-Thank you!

-Beanbag!

-Oh, right.

-We'll just take this.

-OK.

This is so exciting!

-Oh, look at those gold ones.

-Wow.

MUSIC ESCAPES GIRL'S HEADPHONES

Babe, I'll choose. Your choice of bedspread was totally gross.

Tarquin!

SHE IMITATES "Tarquin", "totally gross".

Excuse me, are you taking the wee-wee?

What? No, no.

SHE IMITATES HER ACCENT Er, cos this is how I talk.

Hold the phone, have we met before?

No, no, don't think so, no.

Get it together, Miranda. Mystique.

MUSIC BLARES FROM HEADPHONES

Oh, wow, that is gorgeous, isn't it?

Sorry, I'm stuck to you, my coat.

Sorry, excuse me! I'm stuck to you!

SHE MOUTHS

-Sorry!

-What are you doing?

I'm doing the conga. SHE SINGS THE CONGA

-Are you pickpocketing me?

-What the actual hell is happening?

POSH ACCENT: It's just that I'm stuck to her.

-Why are you talking like that?

-This is how I talk.

She is, she's stealing!

Tarquin! Do something.

No, Tarquin, hello! Don't do anything.

It's just I'm stuck to her, you see. My coat. That's all, Gary. My coat.

It's really hard to talk like this.

-Get off me! Aagh!

-I'm sorry.

Miranda!

Listen to me. I am stuck to you!

What... Oh, my Lord!

-What are you doing?!

-I am stuck to you, you idiot!

Well, dismount!

Gary, stop the escalator!

ESCALATOR THUDS

MIRANDA SCREAMS

THEY BOTH SCREAM

Quick, before we get sucked into the escalator bowels!

You've got a problem with your bowels?

No, I do not, and will you shush, please?

People have been trying to sleep, in Australia!

Right, you and me, let's get out of here.

Oh, right!

Oh, my goodness! I'm going down the up. I should be going down the down.

-Yes. Go up the up to come down the down.

-I'll go up the up. OK.

Stevie, Stevie, Stevie. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-What are you doing?

-Packing up my stuff.

I lost track of time. I am so sorry.

Well, apology not accepted.

It's just that Gary and I took some time, you see,

-because I ruined the ring moment.

-Well, you ruined us!

Oh, Stevie...

Oh, finding Heather Small is a bit too big to fit in that box, are we?

Really? The "are we's"?

Thinking the use of the "are we's" are appropriate here, are we?

Using three "are we's" in a sentence, are we?

Counting my "are we's", are we? Oh, this is stupid!

Can't you ever be serious?

Fine, if you want me to be serious,

I think you're selfishly overreacting.

-And it was just a tea!

-It was NOT just a tea!

It was showing you weren't going to abandon me. It was a promise.

Good luck with your engagement party without your wing woman.

This engagement's turning into a nightmare.

TOY SQUEAKS

..her gite in Provence. And I said,

we all know how Buffy Bluffington got her planning permission!

THEY LAUGH SELF-CONSCIOUSLY

Yeah, I'll be back in a mo.

Miranda, look sharp, that's Veronica, tennis club VP,

she'll report back to Belinda.

Looking gorgeous, darling!

She looks like a, what I call, man in drag.

Marjorie!

Quite simple, really.

-Oh!

-Hello!

-So, this is my fiancee, Miranda.

-Hi.

-Hello.

You're very young and lovely.

Who are you, please, to you, please, thank you, to you?

Erm, Jacinta. New waitress.

Jacinta? This is Jacinta?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

Oh, well, how very lovely to have somebody so lovely around

like Jacinta being lovely, because she's lovely, Gary, isn't she?

Have you noticed Jacinta?

Well, you look lovely, I don't know, you might have killed.

No, no, you're lovely.

With your unwrinkled skin and your...face.

That's kind. Although with Gary's cooking I'll probably balloon.

Probably. SHE IMITATES AN EXPLOSION

Luckily, I've got really a fast metabolism, so...

MIRANDA FORCES A LAUGH

Sorry.

-Why are you being like that?

-I'm sorry, your fiancee's an idiot.

-Oh, Chris and Alison.

-Hi.

-BOTH:

-Hello, lovers. Oh, said it at the same time!

He reads my mind.

Works wonders in the lusty moments of monthly sex night.

Oh, come on!

Come... # Karma, Karma, Karma Chameleon. #

Thank you.

-Not that you'll be interested in sex after a few years.

-Weeks.

Years.

Look what trouble naughty Papa Bear's got me into.

-Now, you look gorgeous, dumpling.

-Dumpling?

That's rich. There's a baby in here. What's in there?

Pies.

-BOTH:

-Samosas. Said at the same time!

Well, if you want any tips...

Oh, are you giving marriage advice? I suggest...

-Please don't.

-..Bedroom Countdown.

Two from the top, one from the bottom.

Goodbye.

Oh. You ARE here.

Yeah, I didn't want to let my plus-one down.

-For I'm also in a relationship.

-Stevie...!

Not this again. You can't drag a traffic warden off the street

-every time you want a boyfriend.

-Uh, we're in love!

Are we? Brilliant.

Yep, this is great.

-I see marriage, you know, for us.

-Even more brilliant.

Mmm, hmm...

My beard's like a gentle bear.

Anyway, do you mind? We need boundaries

because I've just felt overcrowded.

Oh, you are pathetic!

Miranda, keep focused.

Look, don't pressure me socially. It just makes me want to say "bum".

Oh! Hello, Vicar. Sorry.

Sorry about bumming in your face. As it were. Sorry.

I was just saying, formality unnerves. Do you ever find that?

Do you find yourself at the pulpit going, "Amen, floppy tits!"

Well, I am very much looking forward to marrying you and Gary.

We should find a time to sit down,

I'd like to share thoughts on marriage, intercourse.

MIRANDA GIGGLES

Sorry! It's just that there's a vicar saying "intercourse".

SHE GIGGLES It's quite funny.

I mean, even you must find you saying "intercourse" funny!

Because you're a vicar saying "intercourse".

I had intercourse once.

In Luton, with a woman, in a skip.

Where's Charles? Why isn't he ever here when I need him?

Gary. Do a lovely speech about Miranda.

Only, whatever you do, don't mention the fact

she uses her breasts as a tray.

-Ha, such fun!

-I don't use... Oh.

Everybody, announcement time!

Charlie just popadommed the big Q. We're engagulated!

Oh! Congratulations!

I love you!

Romance Abramovich!

And I'll bear with you for the rest of my life.

Oh, well, that's all very lovely,

but let's hear it for the couple of the mo-mo!

Gary's gone.

Don't freak out, but I'm freaking out.

I know you freak out when I freak out.

I'm not going to freak out. I won't. I'm not.

Look, I'm not freaking out. Freak, c'est chic!

Whatever that is, it screams you're freaking out.

SHE SIGHS Just...just tell me.

Chris and Alison.

All that lovey-dovey stuff is clearly covering something.

And the way your mum talks about your dad?

-HE BREATHES HEAVILY

-Is marriage going to break us?

Oh, Gary, really? Why can't you ever just commit to me?

No, no, no, no! Do NOT make it about that.

What do you want to do? Escape, elope?

I've still got those train tickets to Wick.

No, I don't want to run away from the problem.

You wouldn't be, it would just be me and you. You see, it is about me.

Argh! Just...

You know what? Maybe we're just not ready.

Neither of us has ever really had a long-term relationship.

I have. There was, erm, Dave.

The takeaway guy does not count!

He made me put on weight, we didn't have sex,

so it was a long-term relationship.

OK, look, yes, marriage is, can be difficult.

You see couples that did love,

but they clearly don't like each other anymore.

But that's the thing, Gary. With us,

if nothing else, we really blooming like each other, don't we?

Yeah, yeah, I mean,

15 years of friendship and we haven't split up.

We're going to be OK, aren't we?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Gosh, you scared me there.

I just think we need to get some normality back, you know?

And first things first,

I am forcing you and Stevie to make up in the morning.

-And you have been acting really weird.

-I know, don't.

Sorry. I've being trying not to let you down and change or something...

Well, don't. Please. All right?

OK, Mrs Preston-to-be.

Would you do me the honour of practising our first dance? Yeah?

-OK!

-All right.

-Oh, what's our song going to be?

-Ooh. Erm... Ooh!

Whatever song comes on first, that shall be our first dance.

-Risky game.

-What can I say? I'm dangerous.

-Right.

-Right.

MUSIC: U Can't Touch This by MC Hammer

# Can't touch this

# Can't touch this

# Can't touch this

-# My, my, my

-Can't touch this

# My music keeps me so hard Makes me say, oh, my Lord

# Thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet

# That's good when you know you're down

# A superdope homeboy from the Oaktown. #

Right.

BOTH: I refuse to speak to...

-..that mean munchkin.

-..that moody mountain.

-Moody mountain?

-Mean munchkin?

Sit down, both of you, now!

-This is my favourite chair!

-I'm having it!

Uh-uh-uh! Stop it!

Right. Stevie?

Yes, sir, present, sir.

Is your girlie weekend away still available?

Oh, yes, sire, for I'm going on it today. Alone.

No, you're taking Miranda with you.

She doesn't deserve an amazing trip!

I'd rather shove my arms in a wood chipper.

Is there or is there not a friendship here to save, hm?

MUSIC: Reach by S Club 7

# Wanna see some more! #

ALARM BELLS RING

THEY GROWL

# You've got to search for the hero inside yourself. #

THEY SCREAM

BOTH: I love you.

Stevie, you're not going unless you take Miranda with you.

Miranda, if you don't, I won't marry you.

-Fine.

-Fine, I'll go.

What is it?

We are going, this is literally brilliant,

to the Lake District, on a corporate survival bonding night.

How is that brilliant? That is not brilliant, Gary!

-See you tomorrow.

-Ugh!

Oh, sorry about that(!)

WILD ANIMAL SCREECHES, WIND HOWLS

Oh, well, you were right. I mean, this is literally brilliant(!)

If we don't get out of this,

then you've been the best friend a woman could ever have.

And I'm so pleased for you and Gary.

I'm wobbling.

He still hasn't said "I love you".

You just need the romantic ring moment again.

You've always been all I've really had.

-BOTH:

-Love oo.

That said, I am really hungry,

so I'm probably going to have to eat you now.

If I do die and you survive,

which is unlikely given that wild creatures

would rally around my natural allure,

then I want Gary Barlow and Elton John to duet at my funeral.

All the James Bond actors to carry my coffin.

And Benedict Cucumber Patch to sob hysterically.

Wow!

Gorge-ulous, isn't he?

Yes, but I was looking at this one.

Hi! Ha-ha, missed you.

Mm. Come here, come here.

Oh, actually, can we have a bit of space, please?

-Oh, oh, yes!

-Yes!

SHE GASPS

Wow!

Are you going to say something?

Here we go!

What?

It's just that I'm not quite sure I can wear this until...

-Oh.

-Oh...

-Oh, sorry.

-Sorry, soz.

It's just...

I'm just never really sure you love me.

I knew it.

You don't trust me.

-What? No, I do, I do trust you.

-No, you don't.

I don't think you ever really have.

It's just that you don't trust that I love you.

It's just you've never actually said it to me.

Yeah, well, how about actions speaking louder than words, Miranda?

I mean, you never trust I can commit.

You don't trust I won't run off.

-No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-No, Gary! No, please, don't!

No, listen, listen.

I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me.

I can work on trusting you, just wait.

Maybe you can wait for me to open up?

But what I can't wait for is...

I don't think you're ever going to trust yourself, Miranda.

I want to love you for who you are. You don't need to be anything else.

SHE SOBS

-I'm just scared of losing you, Gary, I need you.

-I know you do.

But too much. And that's where I struggle.

-HE SOBS

-And that's where we come unstuck.

We can't be together like this, I'm sorry.

No, wait, Gary, please.

No, don't, Gary, just don't go.

Because I know you that you know this is the right thing to do.

It has to be over, I'm sorry.

# Don't think I can't feel like there's something wrong

# You've been the sweetest part of my life for so long

# Are you thinking 'bout you or us?

# Don't say what you're about to say

# Look back before you leave my life

# Be sure before you close that door

# Before you roll those dice

# Baby, think twice. #