The Final Curtain Miranda

Hello to you and thank you for the joining of.

You might have been wondering how I've been. I've literally made new friends.

Introducing Aubery.

And new...Acquain-quinces!

I don't think I'm weird!

Sorry, it's still a bit raw, emotionally.

I blow up at any time.

I am a human 4x4 - my fleshy vehicle will flatten you!

Oh, can you pull over if you're texting?

Or talk! Look around! "LOL."

-Meditation classes?

-No!

I've been coping.

It's not the first time I've had to get over Gary.

Although never for good before.

But I think Mum's been faring worse.

# Grandma, we love you,

# Cos Grandma... You'll never be a Grandma! #

Oh, the breath!

Better news, Stevie's moved in.

I didn't want to be on my own.

Right choice, cos the other night...

-Stevie, I can't get out!

-Why is it on?

I was playing Dolphins.

Could you just, could you cut me out?

-Yes, come on then.

-Don't stab me!

So, end of me and Gary, but, to new beginnings.

That's the last of my things.

I can't wait to show you the surprise in my box.

New garment purchase.

Oh, intriguing. I've started packing Gary's things away.

Oh, it's sad.

Do you know, everything he said was right?

I am getting over him.

Oh, proud of boo.

And I'll be so much more fun to live with than Gary.

Ta-dah!

Genius! You look like a member of the Sylvanian family.

What? I got you a giraffe one.

Rude but fun.

Now, there is one point I need to make clear.

The only thing I won't be able to offer you that Gary could,

there will be no sex.

And that is fine.

It's just my allure is strong now

because my allure moon is in ascendance in the allurosphere.

-None of that's a thing.

-What? Mmm?

I've solved it.

We can go ahead, wedding wise.

The venue is still available, the florist, mood board,

Everything's sorted!

The only thing missing is a, what I call, groom.

It IS a groom. And Mum, no groom, no wedding.

Tiny detail. Call Mike, get him back from Africa.

Or, there's Benjy.

How many times? First cousin!

How many times? This is Surrey!

Or, there's the Walters-Wood boy.

He may be addicted to glue but he is blessed, groinally.

-Urgh! Mum, No!

-Oh, I've got it!

Why didn't I think of this before thought of this before?

The Middleton brother! I'll make a call.

Mum, no, just stop!

It's two days since I split up with the love of my life,

who I was going to marry.

And all you're worried about is what to say at the tennis club

when someone asks you who your daughter is with.

Well, I've had it! I've officially had it, Mum,

with your constant meddling and your absolute inability

to let me be and do and say

exactly what I want to be and do and say.

And do you know...? I'm sorry but until you can accept that,

well, then, you are just going to have to get out of my life.

Mood board.

Wow.

Right, where was I?

Did you just tell your mum to...?

Gary's things. OK.

What...? I'll open the shop.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yep. I think that's all his stuff.

Stevie, look what I hath foundeth - my bucket list.

-Do you remember we did them?

-Ooh, yeah!

This is what will get me over Gary.

You know, focus on my dreams, instead of faffing with a stupid boy.

Right, let's have a look.

"1. Marry Gary."

OK! "2. Have Gary's children." Right...I'm just going to skip down.

Erm... "Go travelling...with Gary."

Ah, "Nude model in a life art class!"

Did that! Tick!

"Spend all day having an all-day breakfast."

Tick!

"If I get called 'sir', hit the offender with my bosom."

-You didn't?

-No!

Tick!

There's only one left, "Gallop on a horse on a beach..."

I've always wanted to do that.

"..with Gary."

Find yours.

Hello.

BOTH: Hello?

I just wondered whether you still had those heart-shaped photo frames?

Oh, it's you, fav customer! Yes, we do!

I only want to browse for those.

You just browse. Browse.

She's always been a lovely word - hasn't she? "Browse."

Got it. "Stevie Sutton's Bucket List.

"1. Ice.

"2. Fire.

"3. Sick.

"4. ..and spade.

"5. Mop and..."

That isn't a bucket list. That's just a list of buckets.

It's my bucket list.

I want to make sure that I have got one of each kind,

before I kick the bucket.

Thrilled with that!

I don't know what to say to you, Stevie Sutton esquire.

It's ridiculous.

I have to do something significant to get over Gary.

Ah, now, excuse me, customer, do you have a bucket list?

Oh, dear. You said I could browse.

Give me some examples, please!

Oh, OK, sky diving.

Well, I am terrified of flying! Will you think?!

Oh, I know! We should go on the pull.

A bit of rebound distraction. Somewhere upmarket.

Find some non-Garys.

You know - older, sophisticated, classy.

-More "me".

-You, classy?

-Um...oh...no!

-Oh, wow! I thought you were going to...

Are you all right?

Mmm? Yes, no...I'm fine. Yeah! No. That's a great idea!

Basically call Pickfords. I'm moving on.

We've got an idea, no thanks to you. You obviously don't...

# Believe in life after love After love, after love... #

Cher! Fun, yeah!

Tonight I'm going to spruce like Fiona Bruce!

-I think I'd like to go, please.

-So, where shall we go then?

I've got a few ideas. There's a wine bar...

Cease verbal fire. Newsflush. Fsshht!

We are a tiddle concerned about La Penny.

She rolled up at the tennis club, v early birdingtons,

for her ladies four,

drinking neat gin out of her mixed doubles prize trophy and...

Insisting - forgive, delicate ladies - and Miranda, what! Haha!

..insisting the ladies all go commando!

She'll be fine.

Well, what about you, Queen Kong la tragique dumpee?

I'm not a dumpee.

I am a mutual dumper, if you pardon.

No, no. I'm fine. We're going on the pull!

Set co-ordinates for Dumpee Rumpy de pumpy!

There will not be any sex.

-What?!

-What?! Have I got a wasp in my hair?

Has the Queen come in? No.

Has somebody found somebody quicker than a Kwik-fit fitter?

-Calm! You just said "sex".

-Did I? "Sex".

Oh, yes! Sex! Mmm! SEX! Yes!

Oh, Gosh! Stevie, can we find somewhere else for that stool?

Someone will trip on that.

Kong seems wrong. Things are clearly not Great Winslet.

-She's probs obvs totes lovesick.

-Oh! What are we talking about?

-M People!

-Treadmills!

-Salty snacks!

-Belinda Carlisle.

-Oh!

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

Oooh! It's very swish, isn't it?. Yeah! A good word "swish".

SWISH!

Hello. Thank you for your lovely nuts!

-"Nuts!"

-Focus. We're seductresses. We're seductressising.

We're cocquettes. Cocquettes o' the night!

BOTH GIGGLE

Ooooh! I've pulled! Hi!

He's waving at the woman behind you!

Oh, I hate that, now I'm doing this!

Turn it into something!

Flute miming! WHISTLES

That's just weird! Fit in!

PIANO PLAYS BOTH: Oooh!

-Look at her!

-So stylish!

Aaaw!

The pianist is changing the song for every person that comes in!

I wonder what he'd choose for me?

Oh, good game! Try it, try it!

PIANIST PLAYS "Hit Me Baby One More Time"

-Oh!

-Bit o' Britney, I'm thrilled with that!

-I'm going to try!

-You go! You go!

PIANIST PLAYS "Nellie The Elephant"

PLAYING ENDS ABRUPTLY PIANO CLANKS

Oh! He just slipped his room key to her!

BOTH: Oh! They're escorts!

BOTH: All the women are escorts.

Why haven't we been approached? Could we not pass as escorts?

Yes, how offensive! Oh, here we go!

BOTH: Good evening.

-Unacceptable!

-So unacceptable!

Sorry, hang on!

Excuse me, a little bit of attention!

Would anybody like to spend the evening with this?

This little, tarty, fun-sized bag of allure?

Or this, very, very cheap, you get more for your money,

and she'll be so grateful, she'll probably end up paying you.

Either way she'll give you a round of applause with her massive bosoms.

-Oh, you're so sweet!

-De nada. They are massive bosoms.

Thank you. They do clap!

Let's just go, it's got awkward now.

PIANIST PLAYS Theme from "Bod"

BOTH: Rude!

I locked the door!

Come out, or I'll throw my friend at you!

-Aaargh!

-Aaargh!

-Aaargh!

-Aaargh!

Stop! We're in a scream loop. Stop!

-Mum?!

-I'm sorry!

I know you don't want to me here but I didn't know where else to go.

I think your father and I are over.

He hasn't been interested in me for years.

Not even in the bedroom department recently.

Don't need to know everything.

Not even when I dressed up as Margaret Mountford

and handcuffed myself to the Teasmade.

(Why?!)

I married so young. I've never really known who I am!

Oh, Mum, you do realise you don't need a man to define you, don't you?

You know, Stevie, we were so wrong to go on the pull.

Standing on my own two feet is what will get me over Gary.

That's what you need, Mum.

Do you know, I think we should sit happily and proudly upon the shelf.

Yes!

Knockery-noo!

Mummy wants to keep the family tradition

of the groom and father of the bride bare knuckle fighting on wed morn,

and Charlie won't, and is crying.

And now I don't even know that I want to get married any more!

Oh, Tilly, just come and sit on our shelf. Here!

You know, we've never needed men for the fun times before.

Switch it off!

Aaaahh!

We need to look after "our-shelves"!

No?

We need to look after "our-shelves"!

No?

Think of all the things you can do without your men

that give you the real freedom to be you!

I've always wanted to ride on a yak in Bhutan.

I've always wanted to go to a car-boot sale!

I always wanted to open my own Build-A-Bear.

What about you, Miranda? You could build that adult bouncy castle.

-Too childish.

-It's "too childish"?!

Does anyone else want a snack? I forgot to eat earlier.

ALL: You forgot to eat?!

Are you drinking your fruit friends?

-Mmm.

-You're right. She might be losing it.

I've got it! I know what I'm going to do!

Weave! Yes!

I'm going to buy a loom and weave. Yeah!

I'm going to get back to basics, weave, bake.

None of Gary's savoury muffins. Savoury muffins?

Savoury muffins?!

Weaving! That's it - brilliant!

Oh, come on, let's celebrate being on the shelf.

Fav anthem. Are you ready?

# Sisters are doing it for themselves... #

-Yes? Come on!

-Who needs men?!

-Go, Mother!

Come on, ladies. Get up to get down!

# Sisters are doing it for themselves

# This is a song

# To celebrate... #

Oh, good morning! And nice outfit!

Thanking you!

I'm going to take Gary's stuff back to him.

I am an empowered woman preparing to weave my way back to happiness.

Hello! I was just wondered whether you had those frames in blue.

-It's for my partner, for our wedding.

-Well, come in!

-I'd rather not attend.

-BOTH: Just come in!

-I'll look for the frames.

-I'm going to take this back to Gary.

What, in a giraffe onesie? Are you quite mad?

Well, I want him to know I'm over him.

And for him to be over me.

Cos if I wore something nice, he'd fancy me, wouldn't he?

In fact, could you just check, could this be sexy?

It's already getting complicated.

It's not complicated. It's a simple question. Is this sexy?

-I'm gay, but I'd say probably not.

-And I don't want to smell nice.

She once deodorised with a rotten pear.

It was dark and it felt like a roll-on.

-So, in fact, could you smell me?

-I don't want to.

Just smell me, please!

I should never have come in here again! Every time!

Don't worry, Stevie, I've got a new friend.

-Who are you?

-I don't know!

-Love oo!

-Love oo!

-Love oo!

-No!

-Oh!

-That's my mother!

-Oh, heavens above!

-That's Mike!

-This is a nightmare!

-That's Gary!

-Why does it keep happening?

-Aargh!

It's musky, sort of digestive biscuit, with a hint of brie.

So you're going to see Gary for the first time,

smelling of musky digestive biscuit,

in a giraffe onesie that makes you look like a mahossive loon.

Yes, I am!

I like the weird walk, very off-putting.

That was my walk.

Well, now I don't know how to walk.

Don't worry! I've got it.

-Goat's cheese and beetroot salad?

-Right, why?

-I'm just not a big fan of goats.

-Hello?

Oh, hi. Sorry, didn't see you there.

Just brought your stuff back - I texted.

-Yes, sorry, I've just been busy.

-Yes.

-Hi, Jacinta.

-Great outfit.

-It's so comfortable I don't care.

-Good for you.

Can I get you something?

Do you want a muffin? He's just made them. Butternut squash.

So delish.

No, thank you.

I'm glad the savoury muffin has found a happy customer.

Right, well, there are your things.

I wanted to say, we did the right thing.

Yes, I think we did. We can still be friends, right?

I think so. In time.

I'm off to buy a loom.

What?

Nothing.

See you.

Stevie, why's the shop closed? I am with loom.

-Don't trap me with your loom!

-Oh, yes, careful.

As us weavers like to say,

"You can weave the loom or you can leave the room!"

Funny! What?

Miranda. Have a seat.

You! Mum, what's a therapist doing here?

What are you all doing?

I was anxious about revisiting this after our last session.

For months after, I suffered a long battle with an intimate skin rash.

Overshare.

But when your friends and family got in touch...

Hang on, is this an intervention?

Oh, guys! Seriously. I'm fine.

You're wearing a giraffe onesie carrying a loom.

Yes, I see that looks a little mad but...I mean...

Before we hear from you, I'd like to give everyone an opportunity

to express their concern.

Who would like to go first?

ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

# Stop right now Thank you very much

# I need somebody with a human touch... #

Everybody! # Hey, you, always on the ru... #

Well, this is just jollying, not, not madness!

Right, let's start.

Erm, you in the distance there.

Sorry, just small.

Start us off.

I'm worried that Miranda's depressed since her split from Gary.

For starters, she stopped herself pushing me off my stool.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

-Only because she might hurt herself!

-But she found it totes hilaire!

Go!

England's number one sex goddess!

All I want to say is, Your Honour,

that despite my worries, I mean, she is still a child.

We are concerned she might be depressed.

She said that a bouncy castle was too childish!

Oh, hang on, you know, Your Honour,

I am a child, I'm not a child, she's at sixes and sevens.

-Question.

-# Tell me what you think about me. #

"Sixes and sevens." What's the origin of that expression?

Answer: not important now!

And Mum, I think you're scared I'll grow up

cos then you won't have a project to distract from your marriage.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Quiet!

The thing is, that Pen Pen and Kong Kong are actually v close.

BOTH: Best behaviour!

DRUM INTRO TO In The Air Tonight

Oh-ho-ho!

Psst!

Go, Miranda!

But Ryan Sozling,

I have dos factos buffering on the download

about Queen of the Kong that are franks tarantulating.

Sorry, is this English?

Tarantulas? Terrifying. Basic. Keep up!

Facto uno,

first sign of Madnessa Redgrave she utterroonied the word "sex"!

-Is that unusual?

-ALL: Yes!

Second sign of dementulation: she said she forgot to eat supper.

-And is that unusual?

-ALL: Yes!

Tilly-Billy-Bots said that she imbibed her fruit friends.

Though not Aubrey.

Oh, come on! Fruit friends are not normal

and an aubergine in a fruit smoothie - that would be disgusting.

It's not madness!

And the giraffe onesie?

Well, she is wearing it

thinking that Gary might find her attractive in anything else.

Which A) I think is a bold claim,

-and 2) It means...

-Letters or numbers!

..she's not giving herself the option of getting back with him.

Now, if any couple...

-They are guacamole and..

-..Doritos.

BOTH: They just go.

I'm the new chef.

-Mm!

-Wow!

# I love you just the way you are... #

-Miranda, just a quick one.

-Yes, please!

-What truly makes your heart skip?

-Gary.

I'm in love with Gary!

# I will make it up to you

# I promise you... #

I think I preferred the old you anyway. Come here!

Me and Gary are not going to happen.

I'm finally doing things for me, without the need of approval.

-And C) Re: the outfit..

-Back to letters!

..she made a customer sniff her to check she didn't smell sexy!

I mean, it's true, isn't it?

I don't know why I'm here.

Sorry, who is he?

ALL: We don't know.

We've never known.

But what I do know is this,

since I split up with Gary, I've finally worked out who I am.

There may be no more pushing off the stool,

or no more fruit friends,

but I'll always gallop with gay abandon,

and I'll always find a euphemism in anything,

I'll always sing if someone inadvertently speaks song lyrics

and I'll always love the word "plunge".

And that is not being a child,

but sometimes the world needs to be jollied.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've arranged to tick a bucket list entry off.

ALL: No, don't...!

Oh, I've got clothes on underneath! Pas de panique!

Oh, and Stevie, as for saying that Gary might find me attractive

being a bold claim,

well, I've also realised that women like me can be sexy,

it's just the world might never affirm it

so it just takes us a little longer to realise it.

Now if you'll excuse me.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

-Is it all right to leave?

-Oh, no, go.

# Walk out the door

# Just turn around now

# You're not welcome any more

# Aren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

# Did you think I'd crumble?

# Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I

# I will survive... #

Now, this is a very important moment in my life, OK?

So don't throw me off or anything. All right? I'm a fellow galloper.

This time, you're doing the galloping.

Right, let's do this...

Walk on.

THEME FROM Black Beauty

I'm free!

Apology breakfast goods, m'lud.

Please munch upon my apologetic brioche.

I'm so soz about yesterday. Got you a pastry.

-Oh, I've already got...

-That's lovely!

So how was the horse riding, without Gary?

It was amazing, I didn't need him there.

I don't even want to tell him.

BOTH: Oooh!

Well, for what it's worth-ers original,

I think you've felt more you not cos of Gary

but cos you told Penny to get out of your life.

-Massively brave.

-I did, didn't I?

-Well, I have to tell Gary that.

-What?!

Well, I have to tell him I stood up to Mum. He would be so...proud.

Oh, my goodness, you're right, Tilly,

I can be more me because I've outgrown Mum.

I don't need Gary.

But I want him.

I do, I want him so much.

I don't want to do my life without Gary.

BOTH: Oh my goodness!

You've got to tell him! It might not be too late!

Ah! I've got to dasherooh, I've got a wedding!

But Prince Harry, Miranda! Go get him!

Thank you, Tilly, thank you!

-Oh!

-You've got to get Gary!

Where am I going to live? No, that's not important now, no!

OK, well, ring him.

I'm going to change, I've got to look nice this time.

Ah, just go, go! Oh, it's straight to voicemail.

Well, ring the restaurant.

-Hey, is Gary there?

-Stevie, Stevie, which one?

That one. Gorgeous.

Or Jacinta?

-What?!

-What? Where is he, where is he?

He said Gary was at...his wedding?

-What? Was Jacinta there?

-No.

BOTH: He's marrying Jacinta!

I knew it. She liked his savoury muffins.

Classic rebound wedding.

I mean, I get it, she's pretty, she's funny, she's sweet...

-Oh, stop talking about Jacinta!

-He said it was at Tewkesbury.

We'll have to drive down.

Tewkesbury - I can't believe this!

-Why are you down here again?

-I don't know!

I'm running up and down those stairs like a terrified butler.

-Come on, we need to get the car.

-Right, I'll get my driving shoes!

Driving shoes? You're not 97?!

And my lumber support cushion.

Right, shall we just order the walk-in bath now or...?

-I have a spasm-y glute!

-Miranda!

Stop faffing and get upstairs!

You need to make yourself look young and fabulous

because you've got a wedding to stop!

I have got a wedding to stop!

Oh, Gary!

ENGINE REVS

Head for the M4! I'll set up the Sat Nav. Go!

TYRES SCREECH SKIDDING

BOTH: No!

Flirt! Use the allure!

Hello, lovely man!

Could you switch to "Go" for a damsel in distress?

Just twist your stick!

She's got to stop the love of her life...

-Twist your stick! Twist it to go!

-Just twist your stick!

-Twist your stick! Twist your stick!

-Oh!

Twist your stick! Will you twist your stick?! Twist it!

Will you twist your stick?!

Go on, Miranda! Go on!

Twist your stick, please! Just twist!

Twist his stick!

He's twisted his stick!

Let's go! Yay!

-SATNAV:

-'Turn around as soon as possible.'

Why's she saying that? Shut up as soon as possible!

Oh, oh, oh, it's Tewkesbury Hall, not Tewkesbury!

What?! That's just around the corner from the shop!

'Turn around as soon as possible.'

-Oh, shut up, you smug arse!

-What are you going to do?

This. Hold on.

-Sorry!

-Sorry!

-Sorry!

We're actually police. Nee-naw, nee-naw! Bye!

-Go, Louise.

-Love you, Thelma!

HONKS HORN BOTH: No!

-Pull over, pull over. Get out!

-What?! Why?!

It could be starting any minute!

-You'll have to run there!

-Run?!

-There isn't time to gallop!

-For Gary!

-Wait, it's moving, it's moving!

-Oh!

-The car has been clamped

because it is in a double yellow restricted zone.

You have never been so attractive.

All very lovely!

You have to stay with your vehicle, madam.

Sorry, I am throwing caution to the wind

and there will be wind, for I am running!

FARTS Gary!

FARTS REPEATEDLY

It's my great pleasure to pronounce you...

No. No!

MUFFLED CRIES No!

Do not pronounce! Please!

Don't get married.

I'm not. I'm the best man.

To who?

-I can't believe this!

-To him?!

No, to me!

Clive! Oh, my God! You two?! That's fabulous.

I have to speak to Gary.

-Uh, sorry, one second!

-Sorry!

No, no, shush. No, I need to speak to you.

What?

I was going to come and find you because...

I bought these this morning.

Tickets to Wick.

Will you elope with me? Just us.

Because I've realised I don't want to be without you.

I love you, Miranda.

This is my wedding!

ALL: Sssh!

I don't need to elope, it can be on my own terms.

You have these.

Be free of your mother.

I bloody love Wick!

I bloody love you. And you.

Right, can you marry us now?

I could do, yes, but there's another service in here now.

-Have it at the restaurant.

-That's my reception!

ALL: Sssh!

Shall we?

Gallop!

THEME FROM Black Beauty

And I promise to only ever make sweet muffins,

and to remind you to always be yourself,

because in the words of your favourite singer, Billy Joel,

I love you just the way you are.

Oh, I forgot one, sorry.

I promise never to laugh at your fear of geese.

Oh, oh, oh, and I promise always to enjoy hotel rooms to the max!

-Good!

-And to teach our children to never stop galloping.

-Have you finished?

-BOTH: Yes!

Well, they're certainly the most unusual vows I have ever heard,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Pinch me!

Go, Heather!

# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #

BOTH: Got married!

Go, Gary!

# Today this could be

# The greatest day of your life

# Before it all ends... #

I'm sorry I was overbearing.

I'm going to sort myself out, on a yak.

I love you.

I love you too.

I've just got to say goodbye to someone.

Dearest chums.

I don't know when or if we'll see each other again.

But, just thank you, for being the most amazing friends.

Love oo.

MUSIC: "Greatest Day" by Take That