Episode 12 Mock the Week... Again

This programme contains strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe,

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Katherine,

which would you like?

-Um, politics.

-OK, politics it is.

The answer is 10 billion. What is the question?

Is it how many hours of community service will Justin Lee Collins

have to do before a girl agrees to date him again?

Is it the number of tweets that David Cameron received

to his new Twitter account that include the word "tosspot"?

Is it if the planet Earth wore trousers,

what size waist would it take?

Well, is it?

Let me check my notes. No. It is not.

HE SLURS Is it how many units do I get through a week?

Is it what does 10 million sound like if you say it

when you've got a cold?

Is it how many STDs are circulating on the Isle of Fernando's?

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

I don't even know... What?

From Take Me Out.

I always thought Take Me Out was a show

about people who wanted to be assassinated.

Is it how many tattoos would I have to have to look remotely hard?

Is it after how many sheep

do you know you're really know you're not going to go to sleep?

Is it how many underserved chances Rihanna will give Chris Brown?

Is it how much would Mr T get if he went to Cash For Gold?

Excellent topical reference there.

Is it how many Sugar Puffs can get in a pillar box?

Is it in fact what are the chances against getting

a joke about Jim'll Fix It on the BBC?

-OK. We'll move on to the correct answer.

-How many days

has that sale been on at DFS?

I really need to go to the correct answer.

Is it the amount of cuts that the Chancellor of the Exchequer

is trying to find from the welfare budget?

-Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, the question I was looking for was how much is

the Government planning to cut from the benefits budget.

This is news that at the Conservative party conference in Birmingham this week,

Chancellor George Osborne announced that in its drive to reduce the deficit,

the Government will cut a further £10 billion in the welfare budget by 2017.

-Where is that going to come from?

-Just checking. They're not cutting

friends with benefits, right?

That's still grand. Up to the age of 25.

It is quite difficult for them to know...

You're not allowed to like the people at the bottom end,

because they're poor and they're not helping themselves, so boo-boo to them.

You're not allowed to like the people at the top end,

because they're rich and they've got all the money.

And boo-boo-boo to them. And it's kind of getting squeezed more and more.

Eventually, they will put the recovery on one guy

called Kevin Williamson of Warwick.

It is all going to be about him.

We're really backing you to get this country back on track, Mr Williamson.

"Holy shit!"

There's a guy at home in Warwick going, "Oh, God. I cannot believe this.

"This is the worst way for it to be broken to me."

If he's been correctly chosen, he will be going, "I knew. I knew that.

"I knew it was going to come down to me.

"All these people and I'm the only one who can do this.

"I'll get my jacket. I'm going to leave the house."

I won EuroMillions this weekend!

David Cameron was determined to change

the image of the Conservative party, wasn't he?

He wanted to stop people thinking of them as the nasty party.

He's done that now, because they're now thought of as the ruthless bastards party.

I feel sorry for the Tory party,

because apparently last week they were sent a badge saying, "Britain can deliver".

But none of them arrived.

What a cheek that David Cameron wants kids to stay at home

until they're aged 25,

when he can't even keep his own kid out of the pub aged eight!

I tried living with my parents, but it didn't really work out.

Apparently, I didn't see the "no camping" sign among the gravestones.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

-He didn't kill them.

-He didn't kill them. They're probably not dead.

It's definitely a joke, all right?

He didn't really try and put Sugar Puffs in a letterbox.

Oh, um, big news, exciting news for home owners.

Oh, yeah, you can kill burglars now! I think that's the gist of it, er...

I think that's it, I'm not sure. You can put bear traps under your house

and if you hear a yelp in the middle of the night...

Basically, a slapstick rule should apply. If it goes "ba-doing",

fine. If you kill the guy, not so much.

You're allowed to be proportionate in your violence,

but not grossly proportionate.

So if what you're doing to the burglar could feature

in one of the Saw movies, you've gone too far.

You want to go with Laurel and Hardy films. Try and whack 'em

by turning round with a ladder,

you know, a bucket on the head.

-Who has received a hero's welcome at the conference?

-Batman!

Yes! Batman... No, not Batman.

Oh, Boris.

Boris Johnson said he wanted to be tough on crime

and this was after, apparently, he's had six bikes nicked.

And you're wondering has he really had six bikes nicked,

or six times he just hasn't got a clue where he in fact left them.

-What was the hero's welcome? What do they do for him?

-They kind of clapped.

It wasn't like they threw rose petals. They were just happy to see him.

A hero's welcome, you know Aladdin, when he is on the elephant?

# Hey, clear the way In the old bazaar

# Hey, you, let us through It's a bright new star

# Come be the first on the block To meet... #

You know, "You're gonna love this guy!" That...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah! That's a hero's welcome.

I defer to your definition of a hero's welcome.

At no point did Boris arrive on, near,

or confusingly like, an elephant.

They also gave him, like they give everyone at the Tory conference,

they gave him a two-minute standing ovation.

That's what they give absolutely everyone, whatever they've said.

It makes perfect sense. It's 30 seconds of clapping

and a minute and a half for most of them to stand up.

Do you need a hand? Come on, you can do this. Come on.

APPLAUSE

Thank you,

Hinge and Bracket over there. OK.

In other news, outside the party conference,

what have hospital patients been asked to rate?

They have been asked to rate, apparently,

exactly how good the A&E departments are.

The question is, would you recommend this A&E department

to your friends and family?

What are you going to say to them?

"Don't worry you've had an accident,

"you're going to St Mark's and that's got a cracking A&E!"

It will change the beginning of Casualty.

Just some man falling off his shed onto his garden rake

and then crawling to his laptop to go on Trip Advisor.

Or just come home to your partner, square up and go,

"I'm going to send you some place nice."

I've never heard domestic violence put quite as charmingly as that!

I know that they've put "don't know" in.

Extremely likely, likely, unlikely... Don't know.

Don't ask the people with concussion!

How would you rate it? "Hm? Cabbage? Banana?

"Mm? Argh!"

The people who give the lowest rating are dead, so...

the results are going to be unavoidably skewed.

That's going to be in awkward conversation. "I'm sorry, we've lost him."

"Do you think he was satisfied...?"

APPLAUSE

"Before he went, did he say whether he enjoyed the food?"

It's going to be the least accurate survey of all time.

Don't ask people questions when they're in pain.

"And what's your name?" "J-e-e-e-esus!"

"Another Jesus, we've had a lot of them."

They have quite confusing questions like,

"Which hepatitis did the doctor fail to cure you of?"

"Was it "A"?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other news, here's a picture of illusionist David Blaine

performing his latest stunt in New York.

Can anyone sum it up in a phrase?

-Is it "what a stupid stunt"?

-Yes.

Is it "giant makes mistake of sitting on lighthouse"?

Man discovers easiest way to charge new iPhone.

Is it Earth, wind and douche bag?

Is he saying, "I wish I'd never started changing this lightbulb"?

Is this what they use to keep Bruce Forsyth alive?

"Remember, ke-e-e-ep me plugged in!"

He's in fact all right, but the dove up his sleeve for the big finish...

Done to a crisp that, isn't it?

No!

Damn!

He used to be in illusionist and now he's an endurance performer,

which just sounds like homeless to me.

David Blaine's biggest magic trick is staying relevant, to me.

APPLAUSE

The suit makes it completely safe. There is 100% no danger.

And people going, "Oh, it's really amazing, because there's

"so much electricity around him, but he was OK." Right?

It's the equivalent of putting on a scuba-diving thing

and sitting in the bath and going, "Hm!

"This water could kill me!

-"I'm safe! What a miracle, I'm safe here in my...

-HE GURGLES

"..scuba outfit!"

I would've loved to have seen him do that stunt in the UK.

People would have been chucking water bombs at him.

That and some eggs.

The smell of burnt omelette for miles!

Do you know when I lost respect for him, when he did that ice one?

When he's in a block of ice and he called it Frozen In Time.

You're going, "That is the best chance to call it Chill Blaine that's ever happened."

OK, at the end of that round the points go to Josh, Katherine and Andy!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, we play a round called Live And Let Mock.

This game involves Katherine, Milton and Josh.

So if you make your way to the performance area, please.

This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News. Wherever it chooses to stop,

a performer must talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.

The first topic, please.

And the first subject is identity. Who wants to do that? Josh.

I had to sign for a parcel recently.

That's got a lot more difficult, hasn't it?

It used to be simple, when you get a pen and a piece of card.

Now, you're given this kind of digital screen

and plastic stick.

And all you can do is some kind of zigzag up and down... LAUGHTER

That bears no relation to any signature that has ever existed ever.

"Is that your signature?" No!

It's like the mark of Zorro.

Is anyone checking this at the post office? Going, "I've got bad news.

"Zorro is back. He's signing for every parcel in the United Kingdom."

I struggled filling in this one, but I filled in the Census last year.

My favourite question was on the final page.

The question said "please fill in the details of anyone that doesn't live with you,

"but stayed over on the night of 23rd March".

That's going to be very awkward if you just had a one night stand, isn't it?

Good morning, a few questions.

What is your occupation?

Why do I want to know? Well, I'm telling the Government actually. Yes.

Just drop in, go, "Morning, do you take sugar in your tea?

"Also, would you describe yourself as Caucasian?"

Thank you, Josh Widdicombe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's see what the next subject is.

And it is nationality. Who wants to do that? Katherine.

Hello. I'm of mixed heritage, actually.

I talk like a Canadian,

but I tolerate my partner's drinking like an Irish girl.

I travel a lot from London to Ireland.

Anyone who's flown Heathrow to Cork

knows that on your way to the plane, they have signs.

Signs reminding you how many chances you've got left to get drunk.

Yeah! They're, like "six licensed shops", "two shops", "one shop".

It's like, "What? Before I board an aircraft filled with wine

"to get to the land of Guinness?"

And the final shop. The final shop is right at the gate.

In that shop there's a sign that says "No ID? No sale".

I'm like, "Hm, this is an international airport."

How about "No ID, how do you get on the plane"?

It is in the boarding lounge!

If a terrorist manages to sneak through levels of security

at the world's busiest international airport,

give him a pint!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. That's Katherine Ryan.

OK, that leaves us with Milton. Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

Transport is the topic.

LAUGHTER

So I've got my own private jet.

The rest of the Jacuzzi belongs to my mum.

APPLAUSE

If you've got a sat nav,

don't put the name of the company you're visiting into it.

I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day.

I ended up in Hellmann Province!

I mean, I've got a car, but there's nothing

I like better than making a bonfire on the passenger seat,

driving up and down, opening and shutting the electric sun roof

and pretending to be a steam train.

My uncle, he was a taxi driver.

But then, one day,

he left home without any indication.

So recently I was fell walking in the Lake District. That's not quite true.

Recently, I fell walking in the Lake District.

I was going to tell someone, but the pillar box was full of Sugar Puffs.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much, Milton.

At the end of that round, points to everyone.

Come on.

Our next round is called Headliners.

Here's a picture of everyone's favourite radical cleric, Abu Hamza,

back in his heyday.

What does H-F-A-T stand for?

Is it "high-fiving - always trouble"?

Is it "Hamza fantasises about thumbs"?

Is it "look on the bright side, his feet are terrific"?

Is it "harvest festival attracts troublemaker"?

No, no, it's "Holy F, a Teletubby!"

Is he reading an eye chart and going, "H. F. A. T."?

Is it "Harlow finally appoint town crier"?

Is it what the British authorities said to him when they said goodbye?

Is it "have fun, Abu! Ta-ra!"?

APPLAUSE

Is it what happens when he tries to do head, shoulders, knees and toes?

Head... Fuck! Argh! Twat!

-I need a correct answer.

-It's the start of his sermon, isn't it?

Hello, Finsbury and Tottenham!

-The correct answer, please.

-His fingers aren't there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"H" stands for Hamza, I'll give you that.

Is it "Hamza faces American trial", probably?

Yes, absolutely. Well done, Hugh Dennis. Very good.

Yes the answer I was looking for was "Hamza faces American trial".

This is the news after eight years of fighting extradition,

radical preacher and former nightclub bouncer Abu Hamza

has been deported to America to face trial on terrorism charges.

It follows a recent revelation that even the Queen was concerned

that Abu Hamza had remained in the UK for such a long period of time.

Will you miss him?

Lawyers were saying that they thought it was cruel to extradite him now,

just before the panto season started.

I think it was right, in the end.

-I mean, I'm as fond of hate preaching as the next man...

-LAUGHTER

I think it was time for him to go.

If you think about it, how terrifying.

You hope the other passengers on the plane knew.

How terrifying would it be if you're flying to New York

and you find Abu Hamza sitting next to you?

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

If there was anyone who didn't really gain from the Paralympics feel-good legacy

it's Abu Hamza.

He was supposed to have advised one of the 9/11 bombers

and he advised the shoe bomber.

This is a man with no hands and one eye.

Would you take bomb advice off that man?

It took ages to get rid of him

and David Cameron said that he was sick to the back teeth of him. The poshness of it.

He was sick to the back teeth of a terrorist.

I don't think you can get more British than that. He was an absolute pest.

We were all awfully cheesed off about 7/7

and, frankly, the fellow was the giddy limit.

According to the British police, there's been a question mark over him for some time.

Either that, or he just had his hand in the air.

APPLAUSE

Enjoy them while they're still hot!

My favourite bit of the story was in court, they took his hooks off him.

There's no need. They should have just covered it with one of those big foam hands.

That would have been far more humiliating for him.

We're number one! Denver Nuggets, number one!

It's always been fascinating to me

that Abu Hamza saw 9/11 as a sign that God hates America.

And you'd think, you know,

with no hands and one eye,

God's not that sold on him, really.

What I don't understand is he's diabetic and he got legal aid.

But surely fizzy drinks aren't good for you.

OK, here is a picture of England manager Roy Hodgson.

Can you sum this up in a phrase?

Is it the world's most disappointing lap dance?

Is he saying, "Wichmond, Wickmansworth,

"Wayners Lane...

"..thank goodness I'm going to Wembley."

Waiting in the tunnel before the game, Roy Hodgson begins to suspect

he may be in the wrong tunnel.

Looking at the whole picture, is it "the London Underground,

where sexy singles meet"?

Is it when he took the job and they said he could have a driver

to take him to matches, he should've asked a few more questions?

Are they saying, "we apologise for the delay,

"Luis Suarez has dived in front of the train?"

"Whoops, I've just put a yellow javelin through this man's head."

-What's the story?

-He was on the Tube and he was on his way to the Emirates.

And someone asked him a question

and he broke the unwritten code of talking to people on the Tube.

You're not allowed to do that. If you're a Londoner you simply do not talk to people on the Tube,

unless you've got a dog.

Not that people were angry he'd given away

confidences about the selection or non-selection of Rio Ferdinand,

it was just that he broke the beautiful rule of...

You don't talk to people on the Tube. On the Tube, you have to sit like this.

Oh, now I recognise you!

Can I borrow your Metro? Thanks.

Surely it was just a misunderstanding.

Somebody said to Roy Hodgson...

LAUGHTER

He hasn't arrived at his destination yet.

-We are hoping he arrives soon!

-My stop.

He said he will never talk to anyone on the Tube again.

I want to be there when a tourist comes up to him and goes,

"Is this Marble Arch?" And he has to go...

It's the only way they'll learn.

We all have to go through that.

Hello, Londoner, I'm just over from Ireland. I was wondering what train...

Oh, you're going, OK, er... I'll try another one.

I would talk to you, Mr O Briain.

I would take you to your destination and carry your bags.

Thank you very much. You are a foreigner, er...

I've been here too long and now I shun you, as well.

HE MUMBLES

I'll pretend I'm on a Tube. Ask me a question.

Hello, sir, I was wondering

if you knew this was a perfect place to change for the Jubilee line?

Excuse me. I was wondering if this was the right place...

I want to get Buckingham Palace.

Shameful. This man is a pioneer.

The first man ever to speak on the Tube and your people,

instead of lifting him up, you punish him.

By making him coach your football team.

OK. The points go to Josh, Katherine and Andy.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now we come to scenes we would like to see,

so if you can make your way to the performance area,

I will read out the topics

and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK. The first subject is

lines you wouldn't hear in a Bond movie.

Agents aren't what they used to be, 007.

Meet 118 118.

BUZZER

One dry martini, shaken not stirred

and, um,

four Jager bombs.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

So, Bond, we're really pushing product placement in this film.

So here's your new secretary, Miss Moneysupermarket.com.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

Goldfinger, what are you doing with that laser?

You've nearly burnt my cock off?

BUZZER

HE USES FOREIGN ACCENT So, laser-guided, fires at will,

lovely in the hand, incredible repeat speed. Hm.

Tell me, Mr Bond,

where do you get a penis like this?

BUZZER

MI6?

No, you're a lot older than that, Bond.

BUZZER

A-ha. Mr Bond.

It appears that somebody has stolen my cat.

BUZZER

I'm sorry, James, I'm going to have to remove your licence to kill.

Also, I would question the validity of this boob inspector card.

BUZZER

Heeey! It's me, Pussy,

Pussy No More.

Yeah, I'm post-op now.

Seemed to go real good.

BUZZER

Professor, how could you, you tried to mix giant broccoli

with three million eggs.

So your terrible flan has failed.

BUZZER AND APPLAUSE

And this watch that fires bullets.

And I'm afraid that's all the gadgets I can give you, Bond.

I'm the eight-items-or-less queue.

BUZZER

I think you may need an eye test, Bond.

That sex-mad blonde you've been shagging in the embassy?

It's Julian Assange.

BUZZER

So she's smuggling diamonds somehow, Bond,

and your job is to find out how.

Just go to the hotel reception and ask for Fanny Vajazzle.

BUZZER

OK. The next topic is

unlikely things to hear at a party conference.

Yes, I'm a millionaire, yes, I went to Eton.

But I really feel I can relate to the rest of you scum.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

My name's Dave, like the TV channel -

we both repeat the same old shit over and over again.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Would Nick Clegg please come to lost property,

where his missing spine has been handed in.

BUZZER

Am I to the left, am I to the right?

I'll be honest, it depends which trousers I'm wearing.

BUZZER

So that concludes the conference. One more question.

Would anyone like to buy a 40ft sign

with the word "Conservatives" written on it?

BUZZER

I'd avoid the hotel bar.

Ann Widdecombe's in there reading Fifty Shades Of Grey.

BUZZER

It has just been unacceptable cut after unacceptable cut.

Why can't Boris Johnson find a proper hairdresser?

BUZZER

Welcome to the UKIP conference, the first conference to be held

here in Islamabad.

BUZZER

Education, education, education.

Can someone fix might autocue, please?

BUZZER

Politicians, ready!

Gladiators, ready!

BUZZER

SHE INHALES SHARPLY

Let's get drunk and join the euro!

BUZZER

This Government say they are phasing out Roman numerals.

Not on my watch.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

There have never been enough women in this party

and that is why, from this afternoon,

you can call me Stephanie.

BUZZER

Our strategy for this Labour conference is embrace the geek

and not as I said earlier,

release the gimp.

BUZZER

Here in support of Testicular Cancer Awareness Week,

it's shadow chancellor Ed Ball.

BUZZER

I don't know about you,

but I have swallowed so much semen this weekend.

BUZZER

My name's Dave, like the TV channel.

And I repeat the same old shit over and over.

APPLAUSE AND BUZZER

Very good. At the end of that round, the points got to Josh, Katherine, and Andy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, that is the end of the show.

This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

# Read about the things that happen Throughout the world

# But don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd