Episode 12 Mock the Week... Again


Episode 12

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language.

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# Read about the things that happen Throughout the world

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# But don't believe in everything You see or hear

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# Read all about it Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world... #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

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Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe,

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Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

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On the board are six categories. Katherine,

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which would you like?

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-Um, politics.

-OK, politics it is.

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The answer is 10 billion. What is the question?

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Is it how many hours of community service will Justin Lee Collins

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have to do before a girl agrees to date him again?

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Is it the number of tweets that David Cameron received

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to his new Twitter account that include the word "tosspot"?

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Is it if the planet Earth wore trousers,

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what size waist would it take?

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Well, is it?

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Let me check my notes. No. It is not.

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HE SLURS Is it how many units do I get through a week?

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Is it what does 10 million sound like if you say it

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when you've got a cold?

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Is it how many STDs are circulating on the Isle of Fernando's?

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GROANING AND LAUGHTER

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I don't even know... What?

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From Take Me Out.

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I always thought Take Me Out was a show

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about people who wanted to be assassinated.

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Is it how many tattoos would I have to have to look remotely hard?

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Is it after how many sheep

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do you know you're really know you're not going to go to sleep?

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Is it how many underserved chances Rihanna will give Chris Brown?

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Is it how much would Mr T get if he went to Cash For Gold?

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Excellent topical reference there.

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Is it how many Sugar Puffs can get in a pillar box?

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Is it in fact what are the chances against getting

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a joke about Jim'll Fix It on the BBC?

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-OK. We'll move on to the correct answer.

-How many days

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has that sale been on at DFS?

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I really need to go to the correct answer.

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Is it the amount of cuts that the Chancellor of the Exchequer

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is trying to find from the welfare budget?

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-Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Yes, the question I was looking for was how much is

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the Government planning to cut from the benefits budget.

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This is news that at the Conservative party conference in Birmingham this week,

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Chancellor George Osborne announced that in its drive to reduce the deficit,

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the Government will cut a further £10 billion in the welfare budget by 2017.

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-Where is that going to come from?

-Just checking. They're not cutting

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friends with benefits, right?

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That's still grand. Up to the age of 25.

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It is quite difficult for them to know...

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You're not allowed to like the people at the bottom end,

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because they're poor and they're not helping themselves, so boo-boo to them.

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You're not allowed to like the people at the top end,

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because they're rich and they've got all the money.

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And boo-boo-boo to them. And it's kind of getting squeezed more and more.

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Eventually, they will put the recovery on one guy

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called Kevin Williamson of Warwick.

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It is all going to be about him.

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We're really backing you to get this country back on track, Mr Williamson.

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"Holy shit!"

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There's a guy at home in Warwick going, "Oh, God. I cannot believe this.

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"This is the worst way for it to be broken to me."

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If he's been correctly chosen, he will be going, "I knew. I knew that.

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"I knew it was going to come down to me.

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"All these people and I'm the only one who can do this.

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"I'll get my jacket. I'm going to leave the house."

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I won EuroMillions this weekend!

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David Cameron was determined to change

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the image of the Conservative party, wasn't he?

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He wanted to stop people thinking of them as the nasty party.

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He's done that now, because they're now thought of as the ruthless bastards party.

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I feel sorry for the Tory party,

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because apparently last week they were sent a badge saying, "Britain can deliver".

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But none of them arrived.

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What a cheek that David Cameron wants kids to stay at home

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until they're aged 25,

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when he can't even keep his own kid out of the pub aged eight!

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I tried living with my parents, but it didn't really work out.

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Apparently, I didn't see the "no camping" sign among the gravestones.

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GROANING AND LAUGHTER

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-He didn't kill them.

-He didn't kill them. They're probably not dead.

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It's definitely a joke, all right?

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He didn't really try and put Sugar Puffs in a letterbox.

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Oh, um, big news, exciting news for home owners.

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Oh, yeah, you can kill burglars now! I think that's the gist of it, er...

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I think that's it, I'm not sure. You can put bear traps under your house

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and if you hear a yelp in the middle of the night...

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Basically, a slapstick rule should apply. If it goes "ba-doing",

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fine. If you kill the guy, not so much.

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You're allowed to be proportionate in your violence,

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but not grossly proportionate.

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So if what you're doing to the burglar could feature

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in one of the Saw movies, you've gone too far.

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You want to go with Laurel and Hardy films. Try and whack 'em

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by turning round with a ladder,

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you know, a bucket on the head.

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-Who has received a hero's welcome at the conference?

-Batman!

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Yes! Batman... No, not Batman.

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Oh, Boris.

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Boris Johnson said he wanted to be tough on crime

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and this was after, apparently, he's had six bikes nicked.

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And you're wondering has he really had six bikes nicked,

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or six times he just hasn't got a clue where he in fact left them.

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-What was the hero's welcome? What do they do for him?

-They kind of clapped.

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It wasn't like they threw rose petals. They were just happy to see him.

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A hero's welcome, you know Aladdin, when he is on the elephant?

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# Hey, clear the way In the old bazaar

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# Hey, you, let us through It's a bright new star

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# Come be the first on the block To meet... #

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You know, "You're gonna love this guy!" That...

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Yeah, yeah! That's a hero's welcome.

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I defer to your definition of a hero's welcome.

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At no point did Boris arrive on, near,

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or confusingly like, an elephant.

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They also gave him, like they give everyone at the Tory conference,

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they gave him a two-minute standing ovation.

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That's what they give absolutely everyone, whatever they've said.

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It makes perfect sense. It's 30 seconds of clapping

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and a minute and a half for most of them to stand up.

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Do you need a hand? Come on, you can do this. Come on.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you,

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Hinge and Bracket over there. OK.

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In other news, outside the party conference,

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what have hospital patients been asked to rate?

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They have been asked to rate, apparently,

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exactly how good the A&E departments are.

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The question is, would you recommend this A&E department

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to your friends and family?

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What are you going to say to them?

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"Don't worry you've had an accident,

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"you're going to St Mark's and that's got a cracking A&E!"

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It will change the beginning of Casualty.

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Just some man falling off his shed onto his garden rake

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and then crawling to his laptop to go on Trip Advisor.

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Or just come home to your partner, square up and go,

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"I'm going to send you some place nice."

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I've never heard domestic violence put quite as charmingly as that!

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I know that they've put "don't know" in.

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Extremely likely, likely, unlikely... Don't know.

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Don't ask the people with concussion!

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How would you rate it? "Hm? Cabbage? Banana?

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"Mm? Argh!"

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The people who give the lowest rating are dead, so...

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the results are going to be unavoidably skewed.

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That's going to be in awkward conversation. "I'm sorry, we've lost him."

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"Do you think he was satisfied...?"

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APPLAUSE

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"Before he went, did he say whether he enjoyed the food?"

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It's going to be the least accurate survey of all time.

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Don't ask people questions when they're in pain.

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"And what's your name?" "J-e-e-e-esus!"

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"Another Jesus, we've had a lot of them."

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They have quite confusing questions like,

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"Which hepatitis did the doctor fail to cure you of?"

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"Was it "A"?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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In other news, here's a picture of illusionist David Blaine

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performing his latest stunt in New York.

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Can anyone sum it up in a phrase?

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-Is it "what a stupid stunt"?

-Yes.

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Is it "giant makes mistake of sitting on lighthouse"?

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Man discovers easiest way to charge new iPhone.

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Is it Earth, wind and douche bag?

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Is he saying, "I wish I'd never started changing this lightbulb"?

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Is this what they use to keep Bruce Forsyth alive?

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"Remember, ke-e-e-ep me plugged in!"

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He's in fact all right, but the dove up his sleeve for the big finish...

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Done to a crisp that, isn't it?

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No!

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Damn!

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He used to be in illusionist and now he's an endurance performer,

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which just sounds like homeless to me.

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David Blaine's biggest magic trick is staying relevant, to me.

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APPLAUSE

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The suit makes it completely safe. There is 100% no danger.

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And people going, "Oh, it's really amazing, because there's

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"so much electricity around him, but he was OK." Right?

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It's the equivalent of putting on a scuba-diving thing

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and sitting in the bath and going, "Hm!

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"This water could kill me!

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-"I'm safe! What a miracle, I'm safe here in my...

-HE GURGLES

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"..scuba outfit!"

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I would've loved to have seen him do that stunt in the UK.

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People would have been chucking water bombs at him.

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That and some eggs.

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The smell of burnt omelette for miles!

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Do you know when I lost respect for him, when he did that ice one?

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When he's in a block of ice and he called it Frozen In Time.

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You're going, "That is the best chance to call it Chill Blaine that's ever happened."

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OK, at the end of that round the points go to Josh, Katherine and Andy!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Now, we play a round called Live And Let Mock.

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This game involves Katherine, Milton and Josh.

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So if you make your way to the performance area, please.

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This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News. Wherever it chooses to stop,

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a performer must talk about that subject.

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The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go.

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The first topic, please.

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And the first subject is identity. Who wants to do that? Josh.

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I had to sign for a parcel recently.

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That's got a lot more difficult, hasn't it?

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It used to be simple, when you get a pen and a piece of card.

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Now, you're given this kind of digital screen

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and plastic stick.

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And all you can do is some kind of zigzag up and down... LAUGHTER

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That bears no relation to any signature that has ever existed ever.

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"Is that your signature?" No!

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It's like the mark of Zorro.

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Is anyone checking this at the post office? Going, "I've got bad news.

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"Zorro is back. He's signing for every parcel in the United Kingdom."

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I struggled filling in this one, but I filled in the Census last year.

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My favourite question was on the final page.

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The question said "please fill in the details of anyone that doesn't live with you,

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"but stayed over on the night of 23rd March".

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That's going to be very awkward if you just had a one night stand, isn't it?

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Good morning, a few questions.

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What is your occupation?

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Why do I want to know? Well, I'm telling the Government actually. Yes.

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Just drop in, go, "Morning, do you take sugar in your tea?

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"Also, would you describe yourself as Caucasian?"

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Thank you, Josh Widdicombe.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, let's see what the next subject is.

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And it is nationality. Who wants to do that? Katherine.

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Hello. I'm of mixed heritage, actually.

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I talk like a Canadian,

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but I tolerate my partner's drinking like an Irish girl.

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I travel a lot from London to Ireland.

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Anyone who's flown Heathrow to Cork

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knows that on your way to the plane, they have signs.

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Signs reminding you how many chances you've got left to get drunk.

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Yeah! They're, like "six licensed shops", "two shops", "one shop".

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It's like, "What? Before I board an aircraft filled with wine

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"to get to the land of Guinness?"

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And the final shop. The final shop is right at the gate.

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In that shop there's a sign that says "No ID? No sale".

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I'm like, "Hm, this is an international airport."

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How about "No ID, how do you get on the plane"?

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It is in the boarding lounge!

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If a terrorist manages to sneak through levels of security

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at the world's busiest international airport,

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give him a pint!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you. That's Katherine Ryan.

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OK, that leaves us with Milton. Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

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Transport is the topic.

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LAUGHTER

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So I've got my own private jet.

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The rest of the Jacuzzi belongs to my mum.

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APPLAUSE

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If you've got a sat nav,

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don't put the name of the company you're visiting into it.

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I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day.

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I ended up in Hellmann Province!

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I mean, I've got a car, but there's nothing

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I like better than making a bonfire on the passenger seat,

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driving up and down, opening and shutting the electric sun roof

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and pretending to be a steam train.

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My uncle, he was a taxi driver.

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But then, one day,

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he left home without any indication.

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So recently I was fell walking in the Lake District. That's not quite true.

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Recently, I fell walking in the Lake District.

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I was going to tell someone, but the pillar box was full of Sugar Puffs.

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-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much, Milton.

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At the end of that round, points to everyone.

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Come on.

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Our next round is called Headliners.

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Here's a picture of everyone's favourite radical cleric, Abu Hamza,

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back in his heyday.

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What does H-F-A-T stand for?

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Is it "high-fiving - always trouble"?

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Is it "Hamza fantasises about thumbs"?

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Is it "look on the bright side, his feet are terrific"?

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Is it "harvest festival attracts troublemaker"?

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No, no, it's "Holy F, a Teletubby!"

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Is he reading an eye chart and going, "H. F. A. T."?

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Is it "Harlow finally appoint town crier"?

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Is it what the British authorities said to him when they said goodbye?

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Is it "have fun, Abu! Ta-ra!"?

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APPLAUSE

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Is it what happens when he tries to do head, shoulders, knees and toes?

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Head... Fuck! Argh! Twat!

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-I need a correct answer.

-It's the start of his sermon, isn't it?

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Hello, Finsbury and Tottenham!

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-The correct answer, please.

-His fingers aren't there.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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"H" stands for Hamza, I'll give you that.

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Is it "Hamza faces American trial", probably?

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Yes, absolutely. Well done, Hugh Dennis. Very good.

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Yes the answer I was looking for was "Hamza faces American trial".

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This is the news after eight years of fighting extradition,

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radical preacher and former nightclub bouncer Abu Hamza

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has been deported to America to face trial on terrorism charges.

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It follows a recent revelation that even the Queen was concerned

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that Abu Hamza had remained in the UK for such a long period of time.

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Will you miss him?

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Lawyers were saying that they thought it was cruel to extradite him now,

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just before the panto season started.

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I think it was right, in the end.

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-I mean, I'm as fond of hate preaching as the next man...

-LAUGHTER

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I think it was time for him to go.

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If you think about it, how terrifying.

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You hope the other passengers on the plane knew.

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How terrifying would it be if you're flying to New York

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and you find Abu Hamza sitting next to you?

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MANIACAL LAUGHTER

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If there was anyone who didn't really gain from the Paralympics feel-good legacy

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it's Abu Hamza.

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He was supposed to have advised one of the 9/11 bombers

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and he advised the shoe bomber.

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This is a man with no hands and one eye.

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Would you take bomb advice off that man?

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It took ages to get rid of him

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and David Cameron said that he was sick to the back teeth of him. The poshness of it.

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He was sick to the back teeth of a terrorist.

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I don't think you can get more British than that. He was an absolute pest.

0:19:060:19:10

We were all awfully cheesed off about 7/7

0:19:100:19:12

and, frankly, the fellow was the giddy limit.

0:19:120:19:15

According to the British police, there's been a question mark over him for some time.

0:19:170:19:21

Either that, or he just had his hand in the air.

0:19:210:19:24

APPLAUSE

0:19:240:19:27

Enjoy them while they're still hot!

0:19:290:19:32

My favourite bit of the story was in court, they took his hooks off him.

0:19:320:19:37

There's no need. They should have just covered it with one of those big foam hands.

0:19:370:19:41

That would have been far more humiliating for him.

0:19:410:19:44

We're number one! Denver Nuggets, number one!

0:19:440:19:47

It's always been fascinating to me

0:19:470:19:49

that Abu Hamza saw 9/11 as a sign that God hates America.

0:19:490:19:54

And you'd think, you know,

0:19:540:19:56

with no hands and one eye,

0:19:560:19:57

God's not that sold on him, really.

0:19:570:20:00

What I don't understand is he's diabetic and he got legal aid.

0:20:000:20:05

But surely fizzy drinks aren't good for you.

0:20:050:20:08

OK, here is a picture of England manager Roy Hodgson.

0:20:110:20:14

Can you sum this up in a phrase?

0:20:140:20:15

Is it the world's most disappointing lap dance?

0:20:150:20:18

Is he saying, "Wichmond, Wickmansworth,

0:20:200:20:25

"Wayners Lane...

0:20:250:20:27

"..thank goodness I'm going to Wembley."

0:20:270:20:29

Waiting in the tunnel before the game, Roy Hodgson begins to suspect

0:20:300:20:34

he may be in the wrong tunnel.

0:20:340:20:36

Looking at the whole picture, is it "the London Underground,

0:20:370:20:40

where sexy singles meet"?

0:20:400:20:42

Is it when he took the job and they said he could have a driver

0:20:450:20:49

to take him to matches, he should've asked a few more questions?

0:20:490:20:54

Are they saying, "we apologise for the delay,

0:20:540:20:57

"Luis Suarez has dived in front of the train?"

0:20:570:21:00

"Whoops, I've just put a yellow javelin through this man's head."

0:21:010:21:05

-What's the story?

-He was on the Tube and he was on his way to the Emirates.

0:21:080:21:12

And someone asked him a question

0:21:120:21:14

and he broke the unwritten code of talking to people on the Tube.

0:21:140:21:18

You're not allowed to do that. If you're a Londoner you simply do not talk to people on the Tube,

0:21:200:21:24

unless you've got a dog.

0:21:240:21:27

Not that people were angry he'd given away

0:21:270:21:30

confidences about the selection or non-selection of Rio Ferdinand,

0:21:300:21:33

it was just that he broke the beautiful rule of...

0:21:330:21:35

You don't talk to people on the Tube. On the Tube, you have to sit like this.

0:21:350:21:40

Oh, now I recognise you!

0:21:420:21:44

Can I borrow your Metro? Thanks.

0:21:450:21:48

Surely it was just a misunderstanding.

0:21:480:21:52

Somebody said to Roy Hodgson...

0:21:520:21:54

LAUGHTER

0:21:540:21:56

He hasn't arrived at his destination yet.

0:21:560:21:58

-We are hoping he arrives soon!

-My stop.

0:21:580:22:01

He said he will never talk to anyone on the Tube again.

0:22:020:22:06

I want to be there when a tourist comes up to him and goes,

0:22:060:22:09

"Is this Marble Arch?" And he has to go...

0:22:090:22:13

It's the only way they'll learn.

0:22:130:22:15

We all have to go through that.

0:22:170:22:20

Hello, Londoner, I'm just over from Ireland. I was wondering what train...

0:22:200:22:23

Oh, you're going, OK, er... I'll try another one.

0:22:230:22:28

I would talk to you, Mr O Briain.

0:22:290:22:30

I would take you to your destination and carry your bags.

0:22:300:22:33

Thank you very much. You are a foreigner, er...

0:22:330:22:37

I've been here too long and now I shun you, as well.

0:22:370:22:41

HE MUMBLES

0:22:410:22:42

I'll pretend I'm on a Tube. Ask me a question.

0:22:420:22:46

Hello, sir, I was wondering

0:22:460:22:49

if you knew this was a perfect place to change for the Jubilee line?

0:22:490:22:52

Excuse me. I was wondering if this was the right place...

0:23:070:23:10

I want to get Buckingham Palace.

0:23:100:23:12

Shameful. This man is a pioneer.

0:23:140:23:16

The first man ever to speak on the Tube and your people,

0:23:160:23:19

instead of lifting him up, you punish him.

0:23:190:23:22

By making him coach your football team.

0:23:220:23:24

OK. The points go to Josh, Katherine and Andy.

0:23:280:23:31

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:330:23:35

Now we come to scenes we would like to see,

0:23:350:23:38

so if you can make your way to the performance area,

0:23:380:23:40

I will read out the topics

0:23:400:23:42

and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

0:23:420:23:45

OK. The first subject is

0:23:470:23:50

lines you wouldn't hear in a Bond movie.

0:23:500:23:53

Agents aren't what they used to be, 007.

0:23:530:23:56

Meet 118 118.

0:23:560:23:57

BUZZER

0:23:590:24:00

One dry martini, shaken not stirred

0:24:030:24:05

and, um,

0:24:050:24:08

four Jager bombs.

0:24:080:24:09

APPLAUSE

0:24:090:24:11

BUZZER

0:24:110:24:13

So, Bond, we're really pushing product placement in this film.

0:24:140:24:19

So here's your new secretary, Miss Moneysupermarket.com.

0:24:190:24:23

APPLAUSE

0:24:230:24:25

BUZZER

0:24:250:24:26

Goldfinger, what are you doing with that laser?

0:24:270:24:30

You've nearly burnt my cock off?

0:24:300:24:32

BUZZER

0:24:330:24:34

HE USES FOREIGN ACCENT So, laser-guided, fires at will,

0:24:360:24:39

lovely in the hand, incredible repeat speed. Hm.

0:24:390:24:44

Tell me, Mr Bond,

0:24:440:24:47

where do you get a penis like this?

0:24:470:24:49

BUZZER

0:24:500:24:52

MI6?

0:24:550:24:57

No, you're a lot older than that, Bond.

0:24:570:25:00

BUZZER

0:25:010:25:02

A-ha. Mr Bond.

0:25:050:25:08

It appears that somebody has stolen my cat.

0:25:100:25:14

BUZZER

0:25:150:25:17

I'm sorry, James, I'm going to have to remove your licence to kill.

0:25:180:25:22

Also, I would question the validity of this boob inspector card.

0:25:220:25:25

BUZZER

0:25:270:25:29

Heeey! It's me, Pussy,

0:25:290:25:32

Pussy No More.

0:25:320:25:34

Yeah, I'm post-op now.

0:25:340:25:35

Seemed to go real good.

0:25:370:25:39

BUZZER

0:25:390:25:42

Professor, how could you, you tried to mix giant broccoli

0:25:420:25:45

with three million eggs.

0:25:450:25:48

So your terrible flan has failed.

0:25:480:25:51

BUZZER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:520:25:54

And this watch that fires bullets.

0:25:570:25:59

And I'm afraid that's all the gadgets I can give you, Bond.

0:25:590:26:01

I'm the eight-items-or-less queue.

0:26:010:26:05

BUZZER

0:26:050:26:06

I think you may need an eye test, Bond.

0:26:080:26:11

That sex-mad blonde you've been shagging in the embassy?

0:26:120:26:16

It's Julian Assange.

0:26:160:26:18

BUZZER

0:26:190:26:20

So she's smuggling diamonds somehow, Bond,

0:26:220:26:25

and your job is to find out how.

0:26:250:26:27

Just go to the hotel reception and ask for Fanny Vajazzle.

0:26:270:26:31

BUZZER

0:26:320:26:34

OK. The next topic is

0:26:340:26:36

unlikely things to hear at a party conference.

0:26:360:26:39

Yes, I'm a millionaire, yes, I went to Eton.

0:26:400:26:43

But I really feel I can relate to the rest of you scum.

0:26:430:26:47

BUZZER

0:26:480:26:50

APPLAUSE

0:26:500:26:51

My name's Dave, like the TV channel -

0:26:520:26:55

we both repeat the same old shit over and over again.

0:26:550:26:59

BUZZER

0:26:590:27:00

APPLAUSE

0:27:000:27:02

Would Nick Clegg please come to lost property,

0:27:020:27:06

where his missing spine has been handed in.

0:27:060:27:09

BUZZER

0:27:110:27:12

Am I to the left, am I to the right?

0:27:120:27:16

I'll be honest, it depends which trousers I'm wearing.

0:27:160:27:18

BUZZER

0:27:190:27:21

So that concludes the conference. One more question.

0:27:220:27:25

Would anyone like to buy a 40ft sign

0:27:250:27:28

with the word "Conservatives" written on it?

0:27:280:27:30

BUZZER

0:27:300:27:33

I'd avoid the hotel bar.

0:27:330:27:35

Ann Widdecombe's in there reading Fifty Shades Of Grey.

0:27:350:27:39

BUZZER

0:27:410:27:42

It has just been unacceptable cut after unacceptable cut.

0:27:420:27:48

Why can't Boris Johnson find a proper hairdresser?

0:27:480:27:52

BUZZER

0:27:520:27:54

Welcome to the UKIP conference, the first conference to be held

0:27:550:27:59

here in Islamabad.

0:27:590:28:02

BUZZER

0:28:030:28:05

Education, education, education.

0:28:050:28:09

Can someone fix might autocue, please?

0:28:090:28:11

BUZZER

0:28:110:28:12

Politicians, ready!

0:28:140:28:16

Gladiators, ready!

0:28:160:28:19

BUZZER

0:28:190:28:22

SHE INHALES SHARPLY

0:28:220:28:24

Let's get drunk and join the euro!

0:28:240:28:26

BUZZER

0:28:270:28:28

This Government say they are phasing out Roman numerals.

0:28:300:28:35

Not on my watch.

0:28:350:28:37

APPLAUSE

0:28:370:28:39

BUZZER

0:28:390:28:41

There have never been enough women in this party

0:28:430:28:46

and that is why, from this afternoon,

0:28:460:28:48

you can call me Stephanie.

0:28:480:28:51

BUZZER

0:28:520:28:54

Our strategy for this Labour conference is embrace the geek

0:28:540:28:59

and not as I said earlier,

0:28:590:29:00

release the gimp.

0:29:000:29:03

BUZZER

0:29:040:29:06

Here in support of Testicular Cancer Awareness Week,

0:29:070:29:10

it's shadow chancellor Ed Ball.

0:29:100:29:13

BUZZER

0:29:140:29:15

I don't know about you,

0:29:180:29:20

but I have swallowed so much semen this weekend.

0:29:200:29:23

BUZZER

0:29:260:29:28

My name's Dave, like the TV channel.

0:29:290:29:32

And I repeat the same old shit over and over.

0:29:320:29:35

APPLAUSE AND BUZZER

0:29:350:29:37

Very good. At the end of that round, the points got to Josh, Katherine, and Andy.

0:29:370:29:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:410:29:44

OK, that is the end of the show.

0:29:470:29:49

This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Josh Widdicombe.

0:29:490:29:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:530:29:55

Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

0:29:550:29:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:580:30:01

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

0:30:010:30:03

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0:30:060:30:11

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0:30:120:30:17

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