Episode 11 Mock the Week... Again

MUSIC: "News Of The World" by The Jam

This programme contains some strong language.

# Don't believe in everything You see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Alun Cochrane.

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Headliners.

Here's a picture of Labour's two Eds, Miliband and Balls, but what does MFIB stand for?

Is it "Miliband fondles invisible buttocks"?

Is Miliband so dull that the headline is, in fact,

"Massive flag in background".

Is it "Martian freak invades Britain"?

Is he apologising to Young Labour for their poll ratings,

saying "My fault, innit, bruv"?

Is it just simply "MFI Bollocks"?

Why would they use that picture to randomly take on MFI?

Two wooden characters.

I'm going to go with ones that have nothing to do with the picture.

Why can't we just say "My fanny is burning"?

A sentence that goes with MFIB.

By the look of the flag,

he's trying to knock some sense into a BNP Rally.

Is he saying, "Mo Farah is black"?

Hang on, that Mo Farah is British.

I can understand him trying to convince them of that, but surely

he doesn't have to convince even the BNP that Mo Farah is black.

They are in serious denial.

This summer was very difficult for them.

A white man went very well in the 5,000 metres.

What are you talking about?

I think it's quite simple. Is it "Man focuses in background"?

Is he trying to appeal to, you know, to trying to show himself to be a bit

more down to earth, and he's going,

"Majorca, Faliraki, Ibiza, brilliant."

Can we move towards a correct answer?

"Mowgli's friend is Baloo".

-Is it "Martin Freeman is Bilbo"?

-No, it's not.

The M stands for Miliband,

so it's "Miliband something something battle".

"Miliband fears irritating battle".

-No.

-Bowel.

-Irritable bowel.

No. Not Bowel!

I think it's "Miliband fights image battle".

Very good, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

APPLAUSE

OK, the answer I was looking for was Miliband Fights Image Battle.

This is the news that Ed Miliband has launched a campaign to make

himself better known to voters, embracing his geek image

and comprehensive school education.

It comes in a week when one poll suggested 63% of the electorate

do not see him as a future Prime Minister.

The poll actually said, though,

it said people didn't regard him as Prime ministerial as David Cameron.

You think that's probably not much of a surprise

because David Cameron is, in fact, the Prime Minister.

Yes.

We need to be a bit careful throwing stones about Ed Miliband

appearing like a bit of a dork.

If there are seven men on television who don't need to be throwing

stones in this particular glass house,

it's this seven-man up you to the survival of the fittest thing.

This is not only the pot calling the kettle black.

This is the kettle calling another kettle a kettle.

To be fair, only one of us does a programme about maths.

Yes.

What policies have Labour touted at their conference this week?

He's promised more help for first-time buyers

and my parents helped me buy my first flat.

I can't thank them enough, it turns out.

He wants to cut stamp duty, doesn't he, to promote growth.

Yeah.

It might work. I mean, what was Cameron's best idea

to promote growth?

Everybody should build a conservatory. And you're thinking,

"That is not going to kick-start the British economy."

It might kick-start the Polish economy.

They're going to sell 4G.

I didn't know we had 4G.

People talk about this thing, but they might as well go,

"And we shall sell the nation's returns of unobtanium."

And the money we receive from that.

Miliband said that they were going to break up the banks which is

actually a policy that genuinely could solve the financial crisis

as long as they go back in time and do it before 2008.

The one banking reform that I would like to see

is for the people who work at Halifax,

to stop pissing about with that radio station and do some work.

Do you not think if they did break up the banks that Miliband

is the sort of bloke who would just end up with a pen with one of those

little chains on it? Out of everything in a bank...

Here is a picture of Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls,

but can anyone give me a phrase to sum this up?

Good to see that Wayne Rooney is back to fitness.

Is he just thinking to himself, why, when my name is Balls,

do I keep having photographs like these?

It is Mr Ed Balls playing football in a match between MPs

and journalists at the conference.

Apart from playing football, what has Ed Balls been doing recently?

-He's a politician.

-Other than that.

He's been sickening normal people everywhere

by learning to play the piano.

Yes, to what level?

Grade one.

Grade one, yes.

Grade one is recognising that that's not a piano.

"This is a trick test. That's not a piano!" - "You've passed."

I reckon he just heard mention of chopsticks

and thought there might be some food available.

It'd be good to play chopsticks. That'll be handy when he's Chancellor

and has to beg money off the Chinese.

Do you think he will go to the Chinese and go,

"Ah, Honourable Chinese President."

DARA MIMES "Chopsticks"

They'll go, "You took an interest in our culture."

Sssh!

DARA CONTINUES MIMING "Chopsticks"

That's as much as I know.

I think he would have lost them with "Honourable Chinese President".

Opening with that.

I'm not into diplomatic code! What do you say?

It would be like arriving in the Congo with a crate of Um Bongo.

"I believe you enjoy this beverage."

"We are told this is all you drink here. Here in the Congo,

"which has been renamed for how long?"

It's now called the Democratic Republic of Um Bongo.

By the way, who did he do the test with?

-Lots of five and six-year-old children.

-Yes.

Six-year-old child, six-year-old child, Ed Balls,

six-year-old child, six-year-old child.

Which is creepy!

As a six-year-old child you'd be thinking, you'd been told

as you wait in that room,

"If you fail this, you're coming back again."

And then a 45-year-old man... Even as a six-year-old you're thinking,

"Oh, my God, this guy's an idiot!"

"They take this shit seriously round here!"

"Please let me go, please don't make me do the exam again."

I do in a way think it's commendable that he's done it

and it's good for him to have a release,

but I also think it's a really bad thing for a busy politician to do

in a, sort of, connecting with the people way,

because people who have got normal jobs are going,

"Well, I haven't got time to learn the fucking piano.

"How have you got time?"

We all really do what Cameron does and just get pissed

and lose his kids and stuff like that.

And then people are like, "Yeah, he's one of mine."

APPLAUSE

In other news, what did David Cameron do recently

that no other serving British Prime Minister has ever done?

Samantha Cameron.

He also went on Letterman, in the States, didn't he?

Letterman was trying to trip him up by asking him about British history,

which is tricky because we have got a lot more of it than they have.

American history exams are really easy.

They just have questions like, "On what date was September the 11th?"

He did do all right, but he didn't know what Magna Carta meant

when in fact what he should have said obviously is,

what Magna Carta means is that we had civilised democratic

government some 200 years before your country was discovered.

APPLAUSE

Also I'd imagine that had he said that, it wouldn't quite have

gone as well as an appearance as he would have liked.

David Cameron was on a complete charm offensive.

"Look at you, you small, poxy country."

"Useless. We're older than you!"

"Older, feel my history, yeah."

He could also have gone, "You say your name is Letterman.

"In my country, we would call you 'Postman'."

He wasn't going on as a Bond villain.

"Where I'm from, that would be called cheek. Kill him now!"

They love us as villains.

They always have English people as villains. They don't know who he is.

This was an... We could have sent anybody.

We should have sent Alan Rickman. "Hello."

Do you know what he came out to?

I know what he came out to.

He came out to loads of dry ice

and they said it represented a London fog,

when we haven't had a London fog for over 100 years.

That's the stereotype image that those Americans believe.

The fat, dumb rednecks!

APPLAUSE

The closest we've currently got to a London fog

is Boris Johnson at the moment.

Either that or Amy Childs from The Only Way Is Essex.

What Boris Johnson did say was that he got it wrong deliberately because

he didn't want to seem like he'd had Latin coming out of every orifice.

Now that sounds creepy, doesn't it?

The thing about Boris Johnson, though, is everybody thinks

he's quintessentially English but in fact he was born in America,

named after a Russian,

and looks like a Swedish person who's eaten another Swedish person.

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and

ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.

"Good God, it's Margaret Beckett, isn't it?

"From the first Labour government."

"Do you know, I'm beginning to wonder

"how recent this footage actually is."

"Lovely, a train in a box."

"Mummy normally just gives me a Twix and a lump of organic cheese."

"Still, never mind. Stick that on eBay."

"This, sir, will be your driver, Dave."

"Hello, Dave. So, you drive this, do you?"

"I bet you've got a tale or two to tell."

"Well, actually, it has been hairy a couple of times."

"I bet it has, yes."

"Do you know, I quite fancy doing your job."

"And I quite fancy doing your job."

"Ha-ha-ha!"

"That's not going to fucking happen, is it?"

"Can I have a go?"

"No, I'm afraid it's against regulations."

"Is it? Is it? Now, Dave, think very carefully."

"Yes, I think that's the right answer."

"Nobody wants to be force fed organic biscuits."

"Anyway, let's have some fun. This is an impression."

"This is the British economy. It's going backwards."

"Don't worry, I understand about trains."

"Now tell me, Dave, can this go sideways?"

"It only goes backwards and forwards."

"Just backwards and forwards."

"Why don't we just concentrate on driving the train, sir?"

"Just push the lever forward."

"Oh, it's a lever, is it?"

"I thought it was an enormous Liquorice Allsort."

"What do I do, just push it forwards, do I?"

"Oh, yes, look, we're going."

"This is a piece of piss, Dave."

"You're stealing a living, yes."

"Hang on, my arm's stuck. Dave, my arm's locked."

"David, David, I can't stop."

"My arm's locked."

"His arm's locked."

"My arm's locked. Oh, my God. Where are the brakes?"

"I'm out of control - I can't stop!"

"I got you there, didn't I, Dave?"

Well done, Hugh Dennis.

Now we play a round called Wakey-wakey, Rory Mock-Ilroy.

This game...

..involves Ed and Gary.

So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers has to talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is funnier.

OK, here we go. Let's have the first topic, please.

The first subject is Parenting.

I'll take this. We have two children in our house. Two boys.

One is four months old and the other is 21 months old.

Yeah. We didn't want there to be too big a gap

so my wife had them both by Caesarean.

APPLAUSE

To be honest with you, the four-month-old,

he's already more of a man than I've ever been,

because he's already mastered the art of the casual vomit,

something I could never do.

When I'm sick it's a biblical event, it's coming out of my nose,

pulling muscles in my back.

But he's so cool with it,

he'll puke and then just look at you like you just did it.

"What's this?" "That was you." "Don't think so."

It's amazing the pressure that can build up inside a small child.

The puke flies out and the piss flies out and the shit...

Honestly, if I was to feed him creosote instead of milk

I could do my fence with him.

The thing we've been careful about, though,

is even though I have two boys, I didn't name either of them after me

because I didn't want to have that Big Ed, Little Ed thing.

Cos when you call one of your sons Little Ed it just sounds too much

like you're talking about your cock.

"Oh, Little Ed's been misbehaving."

It just seems a bit... "Honey, will you just hold Little Ed?"

"Just hold Little Ed for a minute?"

"Oh, Little Ed's been sick on you."

Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.

APPLAUSE

OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you've been left with.

OK, let's spin that wheel.

The topic is Celebrity.

Celebrity.

They've started a Celebrity magazine for the elderly.

It's called "Hello, hello, hello".

Uri Geller, surprisingly hard to stab.

LAUGHTER

Malcolm X chose that name rather than admit

he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message.

LAUGHTER

I went to see Walt Disney On Ice.

Bit disappointing - it was just an old bloke in a freezer.

LAUGHTER

The new President of France said this week that English speakers

were arrogant in their refusal to learn foreign languages.

At least I think that's what he said.

But it all just sounded like, "haw-he-haw, haw-he-haw."

Remember, that's not racist if it's about the French.

I'd have five pounds on the Dalai Lama, if I was a Tibetan man.

APPLAUSE

When they buried the man who invented Tetris,

the whole cemetery disappeared.

APPLAUSE

As well as seven years in prison here, Abu Hamza could be

deported to the United States, where he could face the electric chair.

But on the plus side, if he is electrocuted, at least

he can just stick his hook in the air and pretend to be a bumper car.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Gary and Ed. Points for both of you, come on back.

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Gary, which would you like?

I would like Sport, please.

OK, the category is Sport, and the answer is 14½.

What is the question?

Is it how many weeks does it now take Mickey Rourke

to get an erection?

Is it what glass slipper size...

What glass slipper size would have made Prince Charming go,

"OK, I'll leave it"?

APPLAUSE

Is it how many pubes do the band One Direction have?

Is it how many months does Wayne Rooney think there are in a year?

Is it how many shades of grey are there really?

How many minutes did it take to write Gangnam Style?

How many pints...

How many pints would the seven dwarves get through

if Snow White was there and all of them were driving?

-Get that, eh, get the maths of that.

-I don't get it, I don't get it.

Two pints each to be under the limit, plus a half for the lady.

Is it how far into Jamie Oliver's 15 minute meals

did I realise I didn't have the right ingredients?

APPLAUSE

How many hairs has Dara got left?

AUDIENCE: Aaaah!

OK, that's cruel.

Comedy doesn't need to be cruel like that.

Is it in fact, how many points did the European Ryder Cup team get?

Very good. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

what was Europe's winning score in the Ryder Cup?

This is the news that Europe's golfers retained the Ryder Cup

after producing a stunning comeback in a tense

and exciting final day in Chicago.

After trailing the United States 10-6 after two days' play,

they produced an outstanding performance to win by

14½ points to the United States's 13½ points.

Did you watch it?

Yeah, wasn't it brilliant?

The course was all set up, of course, for the Americans.

They had very long fairways for their big hitters,

not too much rough, so they could play their iron shots,

and very few female spectators to distract Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods, of course, who lost the foursomes,

which came as a surprise, because he'd had so much practice.

I've never seen such a thrilling game of golf,

and I didn't see this one either.

Don't you love the American names, though?

Because that's what I like most about it.

Their captain is called Davis Love III.

That is a great name, but do I need to know that,

that you Love the 3rd?

I love the 18th, but I don't go on about it.

I'd like Dara to say it, though.

What, Davis Love III?

Awww, spoilsport!

You wanted me to say "de turd"

and then go dancing with a pig under my arm, yeah.

That is exactly what I want.

By the way, the Americans were 10-6 up,

which was until then an historically unassailable lead, practically, when

playing away from home, but they had a rousing speech the night before.

George W Bush on the Saturday night,

when it looked like the fight was won, George W Bush came along

and said the fight was won, and then the next day the fight was lost.

How unlike George W Bush to say that the fight was won

and then it turns out it's not!

The US team can count themselves lucky that they're not still

on the course in bunkers doing that with mortars flying over their heads.

Bush walks out and goes, "Mission accomplished!"

Cut to two years later, "Well, we hope to get our golfers out

"at some stage, bring them back for Christmas,

"that's what we're hoping."

Who needed a police car to take him to the first tee?

Rory McIlroy!

Yes, you're absolutely right.

His excuse was that the coverage on the telly was timed

as being on Eastern time, when in fact he was in Illinois,

so there was an hour's difference.

But the fact is, he was still watching the Ryder Cup on the telly.

He was still there going, "What's on? Golf, I love golf."

There's a lot of people standing around looking at their watches..."

"Hey, hey, I'm playing him today!"

# Rory, Rory! #

"When this guy turns up, is he going to be..."

"Oh!" Ding! The penny dropped.

Here's a picture of the European team celebrating their win.

-Can you sum up this picture in a phrase or a caption?

-Yeah, what a load of swingers.

This is what's happening in the 1970s right now.

They're twisting again, you know, like we did, last summer.

Is this Marks & Spencer launches its new Looks Like A Dick range?

This year's line-up for Strictly looks a bit shit?

Is it Gangnam Style? Gangnam Style!

It's a version of Gangnam Style. It's, in fact, gingham style.

If you think they look happy,

you should see the bloke in the jacket shop.

"I sold them, I sold them!"

Somewhere there's a branch of Garfunkel's with no tablecloths.

In other news, what are you now able to do in this country at sunrise,

midnight or three o'clock in the morning?

-Watch this show on Dave.

-Yes.

-You can get married 24 hours, can't you?

-Yes, you can.

And Blackpool Tower say that they're very keen to have

marriages at midnight.

Of course, the advantage of getting married at midnight

in Blackpool is that you can't actually see Blackpool.

I think it's the logical next step,

because there's already civil partnerships so gay people can

get married, and now weddings at 3am so ugly people can get married.

The Home Office have said about this 24-hour wedding thing

is that it means they've increased the amount of choice people

can have when planning their weddings.

Right now, there's a nation full of engaged men going,

"Oh, good, another choice."

"What we needed was more things to discuss

"about the planning of this poxy wedding."

Another thing to be able to do at three in the morning to me,

there's a definite market for 24-hour divorces,

or 3am christenings.

The baby's awake anyway, Dara.

Very true, very true.

I didn't think of it as a christening,

more the wake we held for our sex life.

First, you don't have to get married in church any more,

then you get married at night.

Who is this benefiting?

-Vampires.

-Yeah.

Oh, my God, that's exactly it,

it's just going to be a load of Twilight-themed weddings! Oh, shite!

Oh, that's all it's going to be.

At the end of that round, the points go to Alan, Ed and Andy.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

They think it's all over!

But Wayne Rooney is telling his hair surgeons that they've missed a bit.

So, just two laps to go, and then these dancers from Stringfellow's

will be heading home for the night.

Tragedy strikes the Winter Olympics,

as the ski-jumping is accidentally held next to a clay-pigeon shoot.

And that's a 200-yard drive.

Colin Montgomerie, there, too lazy to walk to get the paper.

Well, with 200 metres to go, he is on the shoulder of the Ethiopian.

I don't know if it's legal for him to be there,

but it'll slow him down a bit.

Lewis Hamilton still leads, but there's trouble up ahead

as Dick Dastardly and Muttley are digging a hole under turn 17.

She can see the line now, she can see the line.

She's definitely pregnant.

Welcome back to the women's shot put.

Here's the Lithuanian. My, what a pretty little thing.

Well, let's go over to Epsom for the 2.30.

There are 16 runners, everyone else is riding a horse.

What a race this is going to be.

And after Andy Murray's recent appearance on television's

Mock The Week, onto centre court

we see the lolloping frame of Dara O Briain.

And that's an incredible right hook there from Abu Hamza.

So, Boris Johnson, are you enjoying the Olympics?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Clare Balding, are you enjoying the Olympics?

And there was some confusion earlier on Centre Court

when Andy Murray thought he'd signed one of those giant novelty

tennis balls and it turned out to be a fat kid's face with jaundice.

And the England team sticking with the classic 4-4-2 formation.

This really is the most organised orgy I've ever seen.

And Serena Williams remains unseeded for a second year.

I can't help thinking that a bit of lippy and a push-up bra...

OK, the next topic is...

What do I think of nepotism? That's a good question, Dad.

Yeah, I served for ten years in Afghanistan. I was in the Taliban.

I like to see myself as a people person,

although some people have called me a trafficker.

So, I'm just checking, you definitely, definitely,

definitely don't do a CRB check?

You ask a lot of questions.

Sorry, could you repeat the question?

My ankle bracelet's beeping really loudly.

Well, I am a fully qualified geography teacher and...

The school's next door, is it?

If I were to take you on as an accountant,

how do you think you'd cope with all the extra fanny you'd be getting?

Do I like jogging? Oh, I thought you said, do I like dogging?

The answer's still yes.

You've demonstrated a bad attitude, an inability to listen

and a complete lack of interest in others.

Welcome to Ryanair's customer-service team.

Why do I want to be a vet?

Ketamine.

Well, they gave me a 2:2 at university,

so I just thought I'd wear it to the interview.

I'd say my three strongest points are attention to detail,

a determination to see things through, yada-yada-yada.

Yes, I think I would be the perfect candidate-didate-didate,

to make the platform announce-ounce-ounce...

Why do I want to join the army? I just love a man in uniform.

What would I do if I won the lottery? Tell you to fuck off.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary!

APPLAUSE

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Alun Cochrane.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

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