Episode 11 Mock the Week... Again


Episode 11

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Transcript


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MUSIC: "News Of The World" by The Jam

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This programme contains some strong language.

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# Don't believe in everything You see or hear

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world

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# News of the world

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world

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# News of the world. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

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Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Alun Cochrane.

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Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called Headliners.

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Here's a picture of Labour's two Eds, Miliband and Balls, but what does MFIB stand for?

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Is it "Miliband fondles invisible buttocks"?

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Is Miliband so dull that the headline is, in fact,

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"Massive flag in background".

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Is it "Martian freak invades Britain"?

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Is he apologising to Young Labour for their poll ratings,

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saying "My fault, innit, bruv"?

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Is it just simply "MFI Bollocks"?

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Why would they use that picture to randomly take on MFI?

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Two wooden characters.

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I'm going to go with ones that have nothing to do with the picture.

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Why can't we just say "My fanny is burning"?

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A sentence that goes with MFIB.

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By the look of the flag,

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he's trying to knock some sense into a BNP Rally.

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Is he saying, "Mo Farah is black"?

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Hang on, that Mo Farah is British.

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I can understand him trying to convince them of that, but surely

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he doesn't have to convince even the BNP that Mo Farah is black.

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They are in serious denial.

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This summer was very difficult for them.

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A white man went very well in the 5,000 metres.

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What are you talking about?

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I think it's quite simple. Is it "Man focuses in background"?

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Is he trying to appeal to, you know, to trying to show himself to be a bit

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more down to earth, and he's going,

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"Majorca, Faliraki, Ibiza, brilliant."

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Can we move towards a correct answer?

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"Mowgli's friend is Baloo".

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-Is it "Martin Freeman is Bilbo"?

-No, it's not.

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The M stands for Miliband,

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so it's "Miliband something something battle".

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"Miliband fears irritating battle".

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-No.

-Bowel.

-Irritable bowel.

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No. Not Bowel!

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I think it's "Miliband fights image battle".

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Very good, thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, the answer I was looking for was Miliband Fights Image Battle.

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This is the news that Ed Miliband has launched a campaign to make

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himself better known to voters, embracing his geek image

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and comprehensive school education.

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It comes in a week when one poll suggested 63% of the electorate

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do not see him as a future Prime Minister.

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The poll actually said, though,

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it said people didn't regard him as Prime ministerial as David Cameron.

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You think that's probably not much of a surprise

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because David Cameron is, in fact, the Prime Minister.

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Yes.

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We need to be a bit careful throwing stones about Ed Miliband

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appearing like a bit of a dork.

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If there are seven men on television who don't need to be throwing

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stones in this particular glass house,

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it's this seven-man up you to the survival of the fittest thing.

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This is not only the pot calling the kettle black.

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This is the kettle calling another kettle a kettle.

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To be fair, only one of us does a programme about maths.

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Yes.

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What policies have Labour touted at their conference this week?

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He's promised more help for first-time buyers

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and my parents helped me buy my first flat.

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I can't thank them enough, it turns out.

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He wants to cut stamp duty, doesn't he, to promote growth.

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Yeah.

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It might work. I mean, what was Cameron's best idea

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to promote growth?

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Everybody should build a conservatory. And you're thinking,

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"That is not going to kick-start the British economy."

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It might kick-start the Polish economy.

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They're going to sell 4G.

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I didn't know we had 4G.

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People talk about this thing, but they might as well go,

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"And we shall sell the nation's returns of unobtanium."

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And the money we receive from that.

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Miliband said that they were going to break up the banks which is

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actually a policy that genuinely could solve the financial crisis

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as long as they go back in time and do it before 2008.

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The one banking reform that I would like to see

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is for the people who work at Halifax,

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to stop pissing about with that radio station and do some work.

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Do you not think if they did break up the banks that Miliband

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is the sort of bloke who would just end up with a pen with one of those

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little chains on it? Out of everything in a bank...

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Here is a picture of Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls,

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but can anyone give me a phrase to sum this up?

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Good to see that Wayne Rooney is back to fitness.

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Is he just thinking to himself, why, when my name is Balls,

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do I keep having photographs like these?

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It is Mr Ed Balls playing football in a match between MPs

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and journalists at the conference.

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Apart from playing football, what has Ed Balls been doing recently?

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-He's a politician.

-Other than that.

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He's been sickening normal people everywhere

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by learning to play the piano.

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Yes, to what level?

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Grade one.

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Grade one, yes.

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Grade one is recognising that that's not a piano.

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"This is a trick test. That's not a piano!" - "You've passed."

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I reckon he just heard mention of chopsticks

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and thought there might be some food available.

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It'd be good to play chopsticks. That'll be handy when he's Chancellor

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and has to beg money off the Chinese.

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Do you think he will go to the Chinese and go,

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"Ah, Honourable Chinese President."

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DARA MIMES "Chopsticks"

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They'll go, "You took an interest in our culture."

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Sssh!

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DARA CONTINUES MIMING "Chopsticks"

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That's as much as I know.

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I think he would have lost them with "Honourable Chinese President".

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Opening with that.

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I'm not into diplomatic code! What do you say?

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It would be like arriving in the Congo with a crate of Um Bongo.

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"I believe you enjoy this beverage."

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"We are told this is all you drink here. Here in the Congo,

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"which has been renamed for how long?"

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It's now called the Democratic Republic of Um Bongo.

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By the way, who did he do the test with?

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-Lots of five and six-year-old children.

-Yes.

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Six-year-old child, six-year-old child, Ed Balls,

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six-year-old child, six-year-old child.

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Which is creepy!

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As a six-year-old child you'd be thinking, you'd been told

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as you wait in that room,

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"If you fail this, you're coming back again."

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And then a 45-year-old man... Even as a six-year-old you're thinking,

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"Oh, my God, this guy's an idiot!"

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"They take this shit seriously round here!"

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"Please let me go, please don't make me do the exam again."

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I do in a way think it's commendable that he's done it

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and it's good for him to have a release,

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but I also think it's a really bad thing for a busy politician to do

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in a, sort of, connecting with the people way,

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because people who have got normal jobs are going,

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"Well, I haven't got time to learn the fucking piano.

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"How have you got time?"

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We all really do what Cameron does and just get pissed

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and lose his kids and stuff like that.

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And then people are like, "Yeah, he's one of mine."

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APPLAUSE

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In other news, what did David Cameron do recently

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that no other serving British Prime Minister has ever done?

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Samantha Cameron.

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He also went on Letterman, in the States, didn't he?

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Letterman was trying to trip him up by asking him about British history,

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which is tricky because we have got a lot more of it than they have.

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American history exams are really easy.

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They just have questions like, "On what date was September the 11th?"

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He did do all right, but he didn't know what Magna Carta meant

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when in fact what he should have said obviously is,

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what Magna Carta means is that we had civilised democratic

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government some 200 years before your country was discovered.

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APPLAUSE

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Also I'd imagine that had he said that, it wouldn't quite have

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gone as well as an appearance as he would have liked.

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David Cameron was on a complete charm offensive.

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"Look at you, you small, poxy country."

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"Useless. We're older than you!"

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"Older, feel my history, yeah."

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He could also have gone, "You say your name is Letterman.

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"In my country, we would call you 'Postman'."

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He wasn't going on as a Bond villain.

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"Where I'm from, that would be called cheek. Kill him now!"

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They love us as villains.

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They always have English people as villains. They don't know who he is.

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This was an... We could have sent anybody.

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We should have sent Alan Rickman. "Hello."

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Do you know what he came out to?

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I know what he came out to.

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He came out to loads of dry ice

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and they said it represented a London fog,

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when we haven't had a London fog for over 100 years.

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That's the stereotype image that those Americans believe.

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The fat, dumb rednecks!

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APPLAUSE

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The closest we've currently got to a London fog

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is Boris Johnson at the moment.

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Either that or Amy Childs from The Only Way Is Essex.

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What Boris Johnson did say was that he got it wrong deliberately because

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he didn't want to seem like he'd had Latin coming out of every orifice.

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Now that sounds creepy, doesn't it?

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The thing about Boris Johnson, though, is everybody thinks

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he's quintessentially English but in fact he was born in America,

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named after a Russian,

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and looks like a Swedish person who's eaten another Swedish person.

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APPLAUSE

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At the end of that round the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.

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Our next round is called Newsreel.

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We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and

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ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

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This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.

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"Good God, it's Margaret Beckett, isn't it?

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"From the first Labour government."

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"Do you know, I'm beginning to wonder

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"how recent this footage actually is."

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"Lovely, a train in a box."

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"Mummy normally just gives me a Twix and a lump of organic cheese."

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"Still, never mind. Stick that on eBay."

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"This, sir, will be your driver, Dave."

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"Hello, Dave. So, you drive this, do you?"

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"I bet you've got a tale or two to tell."

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"Well, actually, it has been hairy a couple of times."

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"I bet it has, yes."

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"Do you know, I quite fancy doing your job."

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"And I quite fancy doing your job."

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"Ha-ha-ha!"

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"That's not going to fucking happen, is it?"

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"Can I have a go?"

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"No, I'm afraid it's against regulations."

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"Is it? Is it? Now, Dave, think very carefully."

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"Yes, I think that's the right answer."

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"Nobody wants to be force fed organic biscuits."

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"Anyway, let's have some fun. This is an impression."

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"This is the British economy. It's going backwards."

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"Don't worry, I understand about trains."

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"Now tell me, Dave, can this go sideways?"

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"It only goes backwards and forwards."

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"Just backwards and forwards."

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"Why don't we just concentrate on driving the train, sir?"

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"Just push the lever forward."

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"Oh, it's a lever, is it?"

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"I thought it was an enormous Liquorice Allsort."

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"What do I do, just push it forwards, do I?"

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"Oh, yes, look, we're going."

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"This is a piece of piss, Dave."

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"You're stealing a living, yes."

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"Hang on, my arm's stuck. Dave, my arm's locked."

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"David, David, I can't stop."

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"My arm's locked."

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"His arm's locked."

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"My arm's locked. Oh, my God. Where are the brakes?"

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"I'm out of control - I can't stop!"

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"I got you there, didn't I, Dave?"

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Well done, Hugh Dennis.

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Now we play a round called Wakey-wakey, Rory Mock-Ilroy.

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This game...

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..involves Ed and Gary.

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So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

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This round is a stand-up challenge.

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I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,

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one of our performers has to talk about that subject.

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The winner is whoever I think is funnier.

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OK, here we go. Let's have the first topic, please.

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The first subject is Parenting.

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I'll take this. We have two children in our house. Two boys.

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One is four months old and the other is 21 months old.

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Yeah. We didn't want there to be too big a gap

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so my wife had them both by Caesarean.

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APPLAUSE

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To be honest with you, the four-month-old,

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he's already more of a man than I've ever been,

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because he's already mastered the art of the casual vomit,

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something I could never do.

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When I'm sick it's a biblical event, it's coming out of my nose,

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pulling muscles in my back.

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But he's so cool with it,

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he'll puke and then just look at you like you just did it.

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"What's this?" "That was you." "Don't think so."

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It's amazing the pressure that can build up inside a small child.

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The puke flies out and the piss flies out and the shit...

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Honestly, if I was to feed him creosote instead of milk

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I could do my fence with him.

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The thing we've been careful about, though,

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is even though I have two boys, I didn't name either of them after me

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because I didn't want to have that Big Ed, Little Ed thing.

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Cos when you call one of your sons Little Ed it just sounds too much

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like you're talking about your cock.

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"Oh, Little Ed's been misbehaving."

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It just seems a bit... "Honey, will you just hold Little Ed?"

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"Just hold Little Ed for a minute?"

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"Oh, Little Ed's been sick on you."

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Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, that leaves us with Gary. Let's see what you've been left with.

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OK, let's spin that wheel.

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The topic is Celebrity.

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Celebrity.

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They've started a Celebrity magazine for the elderly.

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It's called "Hello, hello, hello".

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Uri Geller, surprisingly hard to stab.

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LAUGHTER

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Malcolm X chose that name rather than admit

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he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message.

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LAUGHTER

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I went to see Walt Disney On Ice.

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Bit disappointing - it was just an old bloke in a freezer.

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LAUGHTER

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The new President of France said this week that English speakers

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were arrogant in their refusal to learn foreign languages.

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At least I think that's what he said.

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But it all just sounded like, "haw-he-haw, haw-he-haw."

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Remember, that's not racist if it's about the French.

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I'd have five pounds on the Dalai Lama, if I was a Tibetan man.

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APPLAUSE

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When they buried the man who invented Tetris,

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the whole cemetery disappeared.

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APPLAUSE

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As well as seven years in prison here, Abu Hamza could be

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deported to the United States, where he could face the electric chair.

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But on the plus side, if he is electrocuted, at least

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he can just stick his hook in the air and pretend to be a bumper car.

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APPLAUSE

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Well done, Gary and Ed. Points for both of you, come on back.

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Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

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On the board are six categories. Gary, which would you like?

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I would like Sport, please.

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OK, the category is Sport, and the answer is 14½.

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What is the question?

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Is it how many weeks does it now take Mickey Rourke

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to get an erection?

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Is it what glass slipper size...

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What glass slipper size would have made Prince Charming go,

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"OK, I'll leave it"?

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APPLAUSE

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Is it how many pubes do the band One Direction have?

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Is it how many months does Wayne Rooney think there are in a year?

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Is it how many shades of grey are there really?

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How many minutes did it take to write Gangnam Style?

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How many pints...

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How many pints would the seven dwarves get through

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if Snow White was there and all of them were driving?

0:17:400:17:43

-Get that, eh, get the maths of that.

-I don't get it, I don't get it.

0:17:470:17:51

Two pints each to be under the limit, plus a half for the lady.

0:17:510:17:54

Is it how far into Jamie Oliver's 15 minute meals

0:17:550:17:59

did I realise I didn't have the right ingredients?

0:17:590:18:02

APPLAUSE

0:18:020:18:05

How many hairs has Dara got left?

0:18:080:18:11

AUDIENCE: Aaaah!

0:18:130:18:14

OK, that's cruel.

0:18:140:18:16

Comedy doesn't need to be cruel like that.

0:18:170:18:20

Is it in fact, how many points did the European Ryder Cup team get?

0:18:210:18:24

Very good. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

0:18:240:18:26

APPLAUSE

0:18:260:18:29

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

0:18:310:18:32

what was Europe's winning score in the Ryder Cup?

0:18:320:18:35

This is the news that Europe's golfers retained the Ryder Cup

0:18:350:18:37

after producing a stunning comeback in a tense

0:18:370:18:39

and exciting final day in Chicago.

0:18:390:18:41

After trailing the United States 10-6 after two days' play,

0:18:410:18:43

they produced an outstanding performance to win by

0:18:430:18:46

14½ points to the United States's 13½ points.

0:18:460:18:49

Did you watch it?

0:18:490:18:50

Yeah, wasn't it brilliant?

0:18:500:18:52

The course was all set up, of course, for the Americans.

0:18:520:18:54

They had very long fairways for their big hitters,

0:18:540:18:57

not too much rough, so they could play their iron shots,

0:18:570:19:00

and very few female spectators to distract Tiger Woods.

0:19:000:19:04

Tiger Woods, of course, who lost the foursomes,

0:19:040:19:06

which came as a surprise, because he'd had so much practice.

0:19:060:19:10

I've never seen such a thrilling game of golf,

0:19:100:19:13

and I didn't see this one either.

0:19:130:19:16

Don't you love the American names, though?

0:19:160:19:17

Because that's what I like most about it.

0:19:170:19:19

Their captain is called Davis Love III.

0:19:190:19:21

That is a great name, but do I need to know that,

0:19:210:19:24

that you Love the 3rd?

0:19:240:19:26

I love the 18th, but I don't go on about it.

0:19:260:19:28

I'd like Dara to say it, though.

0:19:280:19:30

What, Davis Love III?

0:19:300:19:32

Awww, spoilsport!

0:19:320:19:34

You wanted me to say "de turd"

0:19:340:19:36

and then go dancing with a pig under my arm, yeah.

0:19:360:19:39

That is exactly what I want.

0:19:400:19:43

By the way, the Americans were 10-6 up,

0:19:430:19:45

which was until then an historically unassailable lead, practically, when

0:19:450:19:49

playing away from home, but they had a rousing speech the night before.

0:19:490:19:53

George W Bush on the Saturday night,

0:19:530:19:56

when it looked like the fight was won, George W Bush came along

0:19:560:19:59

and said the fight was won, and then the next day the fight was lost.

0:19:590:20:02

How unlike George W Bush to say that the fight was won

0:20:020:20:05

and then it turns out it's not!

0:20:050:20:07

The US team can count themselves lucky that they're not still

0:20:070:20:10

on the course in bunkers doing that with mortars flying over their heads.

0:20:100:20:14

Bush walks out and goes, "Mission accomplished!"

0:20:140:20:16

Cut to two years later, "Well, we hope to get our golfers out

0:20:160:20:19

"at some stage, bring them back for Christmas,

0:20:190:20:22

"that's what we're hoping."

0:20:220:20:24

Who needed a police car to take him to the first tee?

0:20:240:20:28

Rory McIlroy!

0:20:280:20:29

Yes, you're absolutely right.

0:20:290:20:32

His excuse was that the coverage on the telly was timed

0:20:320:20:35

as being on Eastern time, when in fact he was in Illinois,

0:20:350:20:39

so there was an hour's difference.

0:20:390:20:42

But the fact is, he was still watching the Ryder Cup on the telly.

0:20:420:20:46

He was still there going, "What's on? Golf, I love golf."

0:20:460:20:49

There's a lot of people standing around looking at their watches..."

0:20:510:20:54

"Hey, hey, I'm playing him today!"

0:20:540:20:55

# Rory, Rory! #

0:20:550:20:56

"When this guy turns up, is he going to be..."

0:20:560:20:59

"Oh!" Ding! The penny dropped.

0:20:590:21:02

Here's a picture of the European team celebrating their win.

0:21:020:21:05

-Can you sum up this picture in a phrase or a caption?

-Yeah, what a load of swingers.

0:21:050:21:08

This is what's happening in the 1970s right now.

0:21:090:21:13

They're twisting again, you know, like we did, last summer.

0:21:150:21:18

Is this Marks & Spencer launches its new Looks Like A Dick range?

0:21:230:21:27

This year's line-up for Strictly looks a bit shit?

0:21:300:21:33

Is it Gangnam Style? Gangnam Style!

0:21:330:21:36

It's a version of Gangnam Style. It's, in fact, gingham style.

0:21:360:21:40

If you think they look happy,

0:21:400:21:41

you should see the bloke in the jacket shop.

0:21:410:21:43

"I sold them, I sold them!"

0:21:430:21:46

Somewhere there's a branch of Garfunkel's with no tablecloths.

0:21:480:21:51

In other news, what are you now able to do in this country at sunrise,

0:21:530:21:56

midnight or three o'clock in the morning?

0:21:560:21:58

-Watch this show on Dave.

-Yes.

0:21:580:22:00

-You can get married 24 hours, can't you?

-Yes, you can.

0:22:000:22:03

And Blackpool Tower say that they're very keen to have

0:22:030:22:07

marriages at midnight.

0:22:070:22:08

Of course, the advantage of getting married at midnight

0:22:080:22:11

in Blackpool is that you can't actually see Blackpool.

0:22:110:22:14

I think it's the logical next step,

0:22:150:22:17

because there's already civil partnerships so gay people can

0:22:170:22:20

get married, and now weddings at 3am so ugly people can get married.

0:22:200:22:23

The Home Office have said about this 24-hour wedding thing

0:22:250:22:27

is that it means they've increased the amount of choice people

0:22:270:22:30

can have when planning their weddings.

0:22:300:22:32

Right now, there's a nation full of engaged men going,

0:22:320:22:35

"Oh, good, another choice."

0:22:350:22:38

"What we needed was more things to discuss

0:22:400:22:42

"about the planning of this poxy wedding."

0:22:420:22:45

Another thing to be able to do at three in the morning to me,

0:22:470:22:50

there's a definite market for 24-hour divorces,

0:22:500:22:54

or 3am christenings.

0:22:550:22:57

The baby's awake anyway, Dara.

0:23:010:23:03

Very true, very true.

0:23:050:23:06

I didn't think of it as a christening,

0:23:080:23:10

more the wake we held for our sex life.

0:23:100:23:13

First, you don't have to get married in church any more,

0:23:160:23:19

then you get married at night.

0:23:190:23:20

Who is this benefiting?

0:23:200:23:21

-Vampires.

-Yeah.

0:23:210:23:24

Oh, my God, that's exactly it,

0:23:250:23:27

it's just going to be a load of Twilight-themed weddings! Oh, shite!

0:23:270:23:31

Oh, that's all it's going to be.

0:23:310:23:33

At the end of that round, the points go to Alan, Ed and Andy.

0:23:350:23:38

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

0:23:410:23:44

so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

0:23:440:23:47

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

0:23:470:23:51

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

0:23:510:23:53

They think it's all over!

0:23:570:24:00

But Wayne Rooney is telling his hair surgeons that they've missed a bit.

0:24:000:24:03

So, just two laps to go, and then these dancers from Stringfellow's

0:24:060:24:10

will be heading home for the night.

0:24:100:24:12

Tragedy strikes the Winter Olympics,

0:24:160:24:18

as the ski-jumping is accidentally held next to a clay-pigeon shoot.

0:24:180:24:22

And that's a 200-yard drive.

0:24:250:24:28

Colin Montgomerie, there, too lazy to walk to get the paper.

0:24:280:24:31

Well, with 200 metres to go, he is on the shoulder of the Ethiopian.

0:24:350:24:39

I don't know if it's legal for him to be there,

0:24:390:24:41

but it'll slow him down a bit.

0:24:410:24:45

Lewis Hamilton still leads, but there's trouble up ahead

0:24:470:24:52

as Dick Dastardly and Muttley are digging a hole under turn 17.

0:24:520:24:55

She can see the line now, she can see the line.

0:24:580:25:03

She's definitely pregnant.

0:25:030:25:05

Welcome back to the women's shot put.

0:25:090:25:11

Here's the Lithuanian. My, what a pretty little thing.

0:25:110:25:16

Well, let's go over to Epsom for the 2.30.

0:25:200:25:22

There are 16 runners, everyone else is riding a horse.

0:25:220:25:25

What a race this is going to be.

0:25:250:25:26

And after Andy Murray's recent appearance on television's

0:25:300:25:34

Mock The Week, onto centre court

0:25:340:25:36

we see the lolloping frame of Dara O Briain.

0:25:360:25:39

And that's an incredible right hook there from Abu Hamza.

0:25:440:25:47

So, Boris Johnson, are you enjoying the Olympics?

0:25:510:25:55

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

0:25:550:25:57

Clare Balding, are you enjoying the Olympics?

0:25:570:25:59

And there was some confusion earlier on Centre Court

0:26:050:26:08

when Andy Murray thought he'd signed one of those giant novelty

0:26:080:26:11

tennis balls and it turned out to be a fat kid's face with jaundice.

0:26:110:26:16

And the England team sticking with the classic 4-4-2 formation.

0:26:190:26:24

This really is the most organised orgy I've ever seen.

0:26:240:26:27

And Serena Williams remains unseeded for a second year.

0:26:290:26:33

I can't help thinking that a bit of lippy and a push-up bra...

0:26:330:26:37

OK, the next topic is...

0:26:400:26:42

What do I think of nepotism? That's a good question, Dad.

0:26:470:26:50

Yeah, I served for ten years in Afghanistan. I was in the Taliban.

0:26:540:26:58

I like to see myself as a people person,

0:27:040:27:07

although some people have called me a trafficker.

0:27:070:27:10

So, I'm just checking, you definitely, definitely,

0:27:150:27:19

definitely don't do a CRB check?

0:27:190:27:21

You ask a lot of questions.

0:27:270:27:29

Sorry, could you repeat the question?

0:27:340:27:37

My ankle bracelet's beeping really loudly.

0:27:370:27:40

Well, I am a fully qualified geography teacher and...

0:27:410:27:46

The school's next door, is it?

0:27:460:27:48

If I were to take you on as an accountant,

0:27:530:27:55

how do you think you'd cope with all the extra fanny you'd be getting?

0:27:550:27:58

Do I like jogging? Oh, I thought you said, do I like dogging?

0:28:050:28:08

The answer's still yes.

0:28:100:28:12

You've demonstrated a bad attitude, an inability to listen

0:28:150:28:19

and a complete lack of interest in others.

0:28:190:28:22

Welcome to Ryanair's customer-service team.

0:28:220:28:24

Why do I want to be a vet?

0:28:290:28:31

Ketamine.

0:28:310:28:33

Well, they gave me a 2:2 at university,

0:28:370:28:40

so I just thought I'd wear it to the interview.

0:28:400:28:44

I'd say my three strongest points are attention to detail,

0:28:460:28:50

a determination to see things through, yada-yada-yada.

0:28:500:28:55

Yes, I think I would be the perfect candidate-didate-didate,

0:28:580:29:02

to make the platform announce-ounce-ounce...

0:29:020:29:04

Why do I want to join the army? I just love a man in uniform.

0:29:110:29:14

What would I do if I won the lottery? Tell you to fuck off.

0:29:170:29:21

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary!

0:29:240:29:28

APPLAUSE

0:29:300:29:33

That's the end of the show.

0:29:370:29:38

This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

0:29:380:29:41

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Alun Cochrane.

0:29:440:29:48

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

0:29:490:29:52

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