Episode 9 Mock the Week... Again

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This programme contains strong language

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are

Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield and Greg Davis,

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Gary, which category would you like?

-Media, please, Dara.

-OK, your category is media.

The answer is 600 metres. What is the question?

Is it...if Kelvin MacKenzie

was to do a bungee jump from a height of 500 metres,

what length rope should he be given?

Is it in fact what head-start would I need

if I was competing against Usain Bolt in the 100 metres?

Is it simpler than that? Is it how big are some trees, Dara?

No. No. No trees are 600 metres.

Is it how far is the Queen's bed from her en-suite bathroom?

Is it how far away can Boris Johnson smell a custard cream?

Is it in fact how far can The Proclaimers walk now?

Is it at what distance is Theresa May attractive?

None of the rest of us could do that, so good to have you on board.

Is it when kicking Chris Brown in the bollocks,

exactly how long a run-up should you take?

Is it, proportionally, if a clown's nose was the size of Dara's head,

how long would his shoes be?

Oh!

So mean.

Is it how long was the longest runner bean

ever grown at the Fukushima nuclear plant?

Is it in fact how long would your penis be

if all the products in the spam e-mails worked?

Is it what is the delivery radius

of a relatively unambitious pizza company?

Sorry, can we move towards the correct answer, please?

Is it the distance Prince Philip sprinted

to get hold of a copy of the French magazine Closer?

Am I close?

You can be Clo-zer.

Is it in fact the distance that they were taking shots of Kate topless?

That is absolutely right. Thank you very, very much, Andy Parsons.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

from what approximate distance

did a photographer take pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge sunbathing topless?

This is the news that the royals have taken legal action against Closer

which has printed topless photographs of Kate...

-What's it called, Dara?

-I don't know. The French call it Clo-zer.

We had a French woman working on the show and I'm going, "Surely it's Clo-zay."

She goes, "No. Clo-zer."

A French court has blocked future publications of the pictures

in France but they have already been published in Italy and Ireland.

There's loads of royals who've been snapped naked, haven't they?

Obviously Harry, now Kate, then we had Andrew before that,

Charles before that, Countess of Wessex.

I mean, there have been in fact so many of them,

I think they should persuade a few more of them to do it,

and then they could release a charity calendar.

The thing is it's terrible, it's unjustifiable, it's immoral,

but I quite want see the pictures.

-Are you saying you haven't seen them yet?

-I haven't.

I've seen fuzzy versions of them on the, er...

-GREG:

-They're all fuzzy!

The pictures were taken from the Hubble telescope.

From the Hubble Hubble telescope!

Very good.

What I found intriguing was... I think...

I don't know if everyone was,

I was waiting for the next time she appeared in public to see if she would acknowledge

what happened to the cameras and she didn't.

She just did the same smile she always does,

cos if someone had photographed my meat and two veg,

I would I probably would've come out and gone...

I think the whole thing is just making a mountain out of two molehills.

That's a good point.

I think the BBC would prefer it if we didn't descend into judging the woman's breasts.

That'd be the incorrect direction to take.

I think she's annoyed because every woman's had this on holiday.

I've looked at the photos and they're at that awkward angle.

When you're topless, you got to stay at a certain position or it's not attractive.

And she's in that reaching for the suncream position.

That's what she's annoyed about.

We've all got those photos, like my Uncle Terry when he popped out of his shorts.

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

I didn't see that edition of Clo-zer.

Jo's Uncle Terry pops out to the shops...and his shorts.

Do you think she's genuinely worried about it, though?

Do think there's just one...

Well, do you think there's just one tiny bit of how that's thinking,

"Where's my sister's arse now, then, eh?"

No British newspaper editors have published the picture,

although they have all had a proper think about it.

The massive hypocrisy of it is astonishing. The Sun...

I like it when the Sun gets on its high horse about something.

It said, "Well, no responsible paper would touch this with a bargepole."

Two weeks ago we, you were doing everything you could to show us Harry's bargepole.

Which publications have printed the photographs?

-Clo-zer.

-Clo-zer.

-Clo-zer.

-Clo-zer.

The Irish Daily Star because she's not your future queen.

There's an Italian magazine called Chi and The Irish Daily Star

both published it, but they gave very different excuses.

The Italian excuse was very,

"But they're young and they are beautiful and they are in love."

And The Irish Daily Star was, "She's not our Queen."

When they publish photos like that, and there are always photos like that,

not of the royals, topless photos in magazines, shot with a long lens,

they are always of kissing and cuddling in the pool,

and then they're putting suncream on each other.

And these are meant to be sexy, erotic.

There's nothing less erotic than putting suncream on your partner's back, is there?

-It's just something you have to do.

-Yeah.

The reason you have to do it is you can't put suncream on your own back,

so you've got to reach a deal with the person who's going to do it.

That's all, isn't it?

I was photographed on holidays once by... Papped, papped, yeah.

I was a taking holiday and I was doing exactly that.

The pictures, I don't know if you saw them, but they were quite shocking.

And it was an intrusion...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

That wasn't on holiday, was it, Dara?

-No, that was no holiday for me.

-It was in our house, wasn't it, Dara?

That's the least erotic thing I've ever seen.

Where does the guy in the office find the source photograph?

-I believe he has your laptop.

-Yes.

In other royal news, who's been found in a car park in Leicester?

Stan Collymore.

-This is Richard III, isn't it?

-It is Richard III, yes.

Do you know about Richard III?

I know a little bit, yes.

My knowledge of Richard III would be...

cos we weren't taught a lot of that in school.

He is of the Shakespearean...

HE GIBBERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

"Skywalker!

"Han cannot save you now.

"Oh, the Death Star will be quite operational

"when your friends arrive."

You get a different version to us.

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

Richard III was the man who lost the War of the Roses...

to Alan Titchmarsh.

And he died at the Battle of Bosworth.

His remains have been found under a car park in Leicester,

which is great but they don't know what to do with them,

because he's lost his ticket and he's got six grand in back payments.

He's got to pay another 50 cos he's buried across two spaces.

I'm amazed anyone's shocked about finding him.

The state of car parks these days,

you can't walk ten feet without putting your feet in a Richard III.

-It's not a big deal, either, is it?

-It's not a big deal?!

It's not a big deal! They find Prince Harry in a skip most weeks.

I think it's been an amazing addition to Leicester's Hall of Fame.

They've got Engelbert Humperdinck, Showaddywaddy, Rustie Lee

and now Richard III.

It's the worst variety show of all time.

-All MC-ed by Gary Lineker.

-Please tell me that he comes on at the end. "Ah, ha-ha ha!"

I'm suspicious it is Richard III - firstly cos, you know,

they didn't have car parks in the olden days,

and also because they found the bones in a small cardboard box labelled "Southern Fried Chicken".

-Chickens do have a curvature of the spine.

-Yes, they do. Wings.

It is, yes!

And people were a lot smaller then, so you're probably right.

They weren't the size of a chicken!

"I have found Richard III." Phwoom!

Just a chicken carcass. "Yeah, yeah. Look. Look at that.

"We didn't even have to dig.

"One of the cars pulled out and it was just here, sitting there."

They think he killed the prince in the cell, they're not quite sure,

but they think it was with a candlestick or the lead piping.

That's one thing. And they think now he was probably quite a good king.

He also said, "A horse, a horse, a kingdom for a horse."

I think he should have been saying, "The force, the force!"

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

"Skywalker!

"Oh, the Death Star will be quite operational."

It does appear to be a monkey.

It's like a Chinese Death Star.

"This Death Star a lot cheaper than the other Death Star.

"It'll go faster."

What the hell...?

"You cwoss my palm and I tell you fortune."

"No deliver to Endor! Endor..."

LAUGHTER

"You have to collect.

"I put down a force field so you can get in, innit?"

I'm looking forward to the worldwide distribution of this episode.

We were merely doing impressions of one another's impressions.

I was quite shocked to see the picture

because I read today that he was only 32.

He looks like Dot Cotton.

To be fair to him, that's not actually a picture of him

because they couldn't take pictures at the time.

-That's probably a painting or something.

-Oh, really?

Did they have paparazzi back then?

If his wife was showing her boobs on a balcony,

would somebody have got a tapestry cushion and started...?

Even if they've only got the cushion,

it's relatively easy to just sew a nipple on the top and then go...

At the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Jo and Andy.

Now we play a round called Titty-titty Ban-ban.

This game involves Jo, Gary and Andy, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it stops,

someone must step forward and talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is funniest. OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

Sport. Who wants to come in on that? Andy Parsons.

So, it was the Olympic parade last week.

It was great seeing it live.

Obviously, I had to keep a certain amount of a low profile in the crowd

cos I was throwing a sickie from work at the time.

But it was great.

21 buses driving through London at a steady two miles an hour,

so very like a normal day in London, really.

There was an embarrassing moment, though,

when one of the conductors rang the bell on the bus

and then got the shit kicked out of him by the blind football team.

And I realised, actually,

that I could get into any sport during the Olympics.

The only sport I couldn't actually get into - dressage.

Watching a horse walk and then reverse.

They call it horse ballet.

I don't think anybody would go and see ballet

if it was just some bloke walking, walking a bit quicker,

slowing down a bit, stopping, bowing and then pissing off.

And, secondly, not many people go to ballet anyway because it's shit.

Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

OK, let's see what the next subject is.

And it's the internet. Who wants to come in on that? Jo.

The internet.

You know when you buy things on Amazon and they have recommendations,

like the person who purchased this also purchased this.

I was thinking I would like to hack into Amazon

and put up my own recommendations.

So, like, the customer who purchased My Story by Dannii Minogue

also purchased a length of rope and a wobbly chair.

Customers who bought the book

Fabulous Photos Of Puppies And Kittens

also bought Why Men Leave.

And customers who bought 50 Shades Of Grey

also bought a great big cucumber.

Internet crime is apparently on the rise because of the recession,

because we're all short of money.

Like in my family, my grandad has to go into a home and these places

are very expensive, but we found somewhere and it's really nice.

He's got his own sort of kitchenette, his own shower stall.

There's an outside space with plants and shrubs and stuff.

Best thing is it's completely free.

We've left him in Homebase.

Thank you very much, Jo Caulfield.

That leaves us with Gary. Let's see what topic you've been left with.

Spin the wheel.

The topic is family.

Family, OK.

Old lady names are very much back in fashion at the minute,

like Lily, or Elsie, or Rose,

and we wanted something like that for our daughter,

but we couldn't decide.

So in the end we just called her Nan...

..and told her she'll grow into it.

I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell schadenfreude

and I couldn't, but he's dead now and I'm not, so I win.

My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a PH,

and that's cos he's slightly acidic.

My married friends will always tell me there's someone out there for everyone

and I think, "Wow, she must be a right slag!"

Knock-knock. Who's there? Grandad.

Shit! Stop the funeral!

Grandad asked me how to print on his new computer.

I said, "Just Control P."

He said, "I haven't been able to do that for years."

My confirmed bachelor uncle always describes himself as asexual,

but I'd also add (B) gay.

As a child, I was always told that if I touched myself down there, God was watching.

But it turned out it was just Uncle Peter.

-Thank you.

-Lovely stuff. Well done.

Points at the end of that round go to Gary Delaney. Come on back.

Our next round is called Headliners.

Here's a picture of education secretary Michael Gove.

But what does G-A-E-C stand for?

Is it Gove attends elf college?

Genetic abnormality explains chin.

Amazingly, no.

Is it something, something, something, cock?

Is it Michael Gove saying, "Gosh, actual ethnic children!"

Is it in fact what the kids have done to him?

Glued arse to edge of chair?

Is it Gove, Adonis, exuding charisma?

Is it adult literacy rates poor?

Very good. Well done.

Gollum advises earth children?

Is it grinder adventure ends catastrophically?

OK, let's just have the correct answer cos, frankly, nothing's going to top that.

Gove announced as emergency contraceptive.

-Let's have the correct answer, please.

-It's got to be something about Gove announces exam change.

Very good. Thank you very much, Hugh Dennis.

Yes, the answer I was looking for was Gove announces exam changes.

This is the news that education secretary Michael Gove has announced

a new English baccalaureate certificate to replace GCSEs.

From 2015, students will work towards a demanding three-hour exam at the end of a two-year course,

rather than the current combination of coursework, modular exams and multiple retakes.

He's invented an exam that thicker kids won't be able to pronounce.

"It's the bacca-what? The bacc... Bacca-what? The ba...

"Oh, give me a shovel, I'll go down the mine."

I think the idea is if you're academic, you get a baccalaureate.

Otherwise, they teach you practical skills,

like how to back a lorry out.

The Tories have assured us that, under this system,

no child will be left behind,

but how can we take Tory promises that no child will be left behind seriously

when their leader's David Cameron?!

-Do you know what the other abbreviation is?

-EBC.

-EBacc.

It's called the EBacc.

Which is when Yorkshire people make a payment over the internet.

I thought that was something from Star Wars, isn't it?

-Yes, it was. You know who hated the EBaccs?

-I bet you can't do the impression.

"Ah, Skywalker!"

"Your EBaccs will not qualify you to run the Empire now."

There's been a lot of debate over whether grades have been devalued,

and I was discussing that recently with my nephew,

Professor Timmy.

Hang on a sec, sorry,

cos it's one of these things that I genuinely am always perplexed about

coming from a different country, as I have, with my spices and my silks.

And I came to your nation and there are so many great things about it,

except your exams, which are mad. The education, by the way, is great.

I'm not saying anything against the education people get here. It's fantastic. But the exams are mad.

There are people who, when confronted with an exam paper,

just go to pieces completely and forget how to count,

and I think it's very unfair that they're marking the papers.

There are people who just shouldn't be taking exams.

My friend Carl was at sixth-form college with a girl

who got her A-level results and when she pulled out the piece of paper,

the three letters telling her what her future would be, she went...

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

"That spells nun!"

People make an awful lot about the pressure that kids are under

and I suppose they are but, speaking as an ex-teacher,

when it comes to exam time, there's far worse pressure on the teachers

cos you have to spend, sometimes,

four, five hours in those halls just walking up and down,

and it's a recipe for insanity.

I had no choice when I was teaching

but to invent a game called Camp Aisle.

It was just to see who could walk up and down the aisle the campest.

We started off just sort of slightly mincing.

Honestly, by the end of it, I was walking down a full aisle of children like this...

I knew it was time for me to leave teaching when I got to the end of one aisle,

during an actual GCSE, a kid looked up at me and went...

HE TUTS

So were you essentially vogueing your way...?

I'm not exaggerating. By the end of it, I was...

The thing is, they want to make the exams harder, don't they?

But surely they're hard enough already if your teacher is walking up and down, camping it up.

Oh, no! I'm still qualified, technically.

We'll have to cut this bit out.

-Really? Is that your safety net?

-Yeah.

-Oh, that's really sweet!

Do you think anybody, having seen you in Inbetweeners,

anybody is ever going to employ you?!

Well, you've always got a trade.

I did a gig at the University of Central England,

which is in Birmingham.

That's what they're trying to hide from you.

As an opening line, I said,

"UCE! So called cos that's the grades it takes to get in."

LAUGHTER

Yeah, but I had to explain it to them.

I was in an exam when I was school

and my mate at the back of the hall went...

We were all waiting to leave,

someone at the back of the hall went, "Meow,"

and the exam invigilator went...

And then someone else went, "Meow."

And then, "Meow," from different parts of the hall.

And it led to my favourite sentence I've ever heard come out of an adult's mouth, which was,

"All right. No-one leaves until the meowing stops."

At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Six months in and Mike has fallen out with the builder.

There was no window there and neither of them noticed.

With violence and strong language from the very beginning,

it's A Place In The Sunderland.

Yeah. Yes, it is north-facing but on the plus side,

it's a caravan, so you can just turn it round.

Get that fish out of here, it stinks.

You should never leave a plaice in the sun.

We've just one hour while Gina's at the shops to improve her flat in Luton.

We're setting it on fire and moving it to Oxford.

Well, it's another setback.

This time the structure is damaged and, for the first time,

I'm asking myself,

"Will the Death Star ever be finished?"

And more information on how to get together a deposit

for a house can be found in our free leaflet When Will Nanna Die?

So, you bought it at auction for £100,000

but what exactly are you going to do

with Middlesbrough?

Well, what we've done is,

we've knocked the wall between the kitchen and the lounge down,

and what that's done is

killed all the people who were sitting in the lounge.

The kitchen's done in a very modern style.

We call it crack den.

We're looking at a well-equipped council house in Hull -

fridge, oven, washing machine.

In fact, this is one of the nicest gardens we've seen.

This week on Grand Designs,

my gran designs a house.

It'll be shit.

She's got a terrible arthritis

and not even a rudimentary qualification.

Three coats of varnish and a new rug,

and Brucie is ready for his next show.

Welcome to the 74-hour-long obsessive-compulsive episode of

How Clean Is Your House?

Knock it down, tarmac it, fuck 'em.

OK, the next topic is...

Mr Parsons, your baby looks exactly like you,

but mind you, so does every other baby.

There are complications, I'm afraid.

For a start, I'm not a doctor.

I definitely can see the head.

You should do your flies up, doctor.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

He's ginger...

..Your Highness.

So, er, would you like to hold the little fella?

Or shall I give you the baby?

Mrs Jones, I'm going to need you to push.

And then when we've got the ambulance started,

we'll try and get you to hospital.

Oh, God! Is that my baby?

I've given birth to Andy Parsons!

I'd stay up that end and talk to your wife, if I were you, Mr Smith.

It looks like Alien Vs Predator down here.

And this is the ward for unwanted twins.

We call it the Jedward.

Basically, you just turn them over and slap 'em on the arse.

These nurses' parties are great.

Nice to see you again, Mrs Jolie.

If you'd like to just move along to the next window to collect your order.

Oh!

This isn't your first baby, is it?

You have a bouncing baby boy.

I know that because I dropped him in the delivery room.

OK, big breath. Big breath in.

Hold it, hold it,

and pass the joint to the midwife.

If you're not in when we deliver your baby,

is it OK if we leave it with a neighbour?

No, no, I do like it, darling.

Just not in that colour.

I know you're in great pain but we need to know your name.

Right.

Doctor for Mrs Fuckoff!

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Greg, Jo and Andy.

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield and Greg Davies.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.

CHEERING

Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world

# News of the world. #