Episode 7 Mock the Week... Again

This programme contains some strong language

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain and joining me this week are

Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Alun Cochrane.

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called

This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Andi, which category would you like?

Um... Sport, please.

OK, your category is sport and the answer is...

What is the question?

Is it how many days has it taken Madame Tussaud's

to melt down their Pavarotti waxwork?

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

-He's a big man!

-This is a big opera crowd.

Is it, how long did I have to spend by the hotel pool this summer

before I saw a lady who wasn't reading Fifty Shades Of Grey?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it, how much of the last month does Prince Harry remember?

LAUGHTER

Is it, when are G4S's security staff

going to turn up at the Olympic Park?

LAUGHTER

Is it, who was at Darren Day's family reunion?

LAUGHTER

Is it, what reaction time

is definitely too slow for a fighter pilot?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUS

Is it, how long's just right for a holiday?

Cos 14 days is too long.

If you go for two weeks,

you spend the last three days going, "It's too long, isn't it?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, how long I've had this pesky erection, ladies?

LAUGHTER

How long did it take before the Essex lion got a vajazzle?

LAUGHTER

Is it, how long does it take to watch 12 series of 24?

LAUGHTER

Cos they're slightly shorter for the adverts, you see.

When you watch it, is that why your holidays feel slightly too long?

Is it, in fact, according to his tax return,

how many days work did Jimmy Carr do last year?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hey, Jimmy, we're all there for you.

How long should you cook a mammoth...

LAUGHTER

..in a category D oven?

Is it how long, now that he's not famous,

it takes Craig David to woo a girl?

APPLAUSE

Does anyone know the correct answer?

Is it, how long does the Paralympics last for?

Very good, thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for, was how many days of sporting action

are there in these record breaking London Paralympic Games?

The London Paralympics look set to be the most successful ever.

TV viewing figures are in the millions and events are selling out

within minutes of new tickets being released.

Have you been watching the Paralympics?

Brilliant, wasn't it? The opening ceremony, I loved that -

Ian McKellen on stage.

I did think it was up that of a risk though,

booking Magneto when there were so many wheelchairs kicking around.

I saw all those wheelchairs flying through the air.

I thought, "He's up to his old tricks again."

There was Stephen Hawking there's well, wasn't there?

I wondered if it was actually Stephen Hawking

or whether it was just Professor X in disguise

and it was all going to kick off

and Stratford would be reduced to what it looked like seven years ago.

LAUGHTER

Was it just me, or was Hawking lip synching?

LAUGHTER

There is an issue of tone here...

You've got to come with us some of the way

and then let the Daily Mail decide.

People have got weird preconceptions about it.

That's why one of the most astonishing things

is that people are saying,

"This is incredible, this is really good sport."

Of course it is!

These are elite athletes, it's not a charity day out!

It isn't a pat on these head for these people.

These are highly competitive people.

You think it's competitive in the field?

You should see it in the Athletes' Village,

where they're fighting for disabled car parking spaces.

Nightmare!

What I found confusing about the whole thing though,

I'm watching it and loving it and I think it is fantastic,

but I'm finding the classifications a bit confusing,

because until last weekend, for me,

an F42 was a fighter plane

or a night bus to Brent Cross Shopping Centre.

Why do you go to a shopping centre at night?

The thing about the classification is, it IS confusing,

cos it's so many different levels - track, field, all the rest of it.

They start from quite severe disabilities

all the way up to the minor stuff.

I think they should give someone able-bodied the chance

by bolting on some really mild stuff at the end,

like a really forgetful gymnast, forgetting their entire routine

and doing a dozen forward rolls - "Ta-dah!"

"Ta-dah!"

They don't do that, gymnasts, generally - ta-dah!

-You'd be so pleased you'd remembered something!

-They always go...

They never go "Ta-Dah!"

-Dara, they should!

-They should, they should.

I've been thinking about this. I'd quite like to see some cheating in the Paralympics.

Cos, you know, in the Olympics, cheating's kind of boring, isn't it?

It's doping and stuff like that.

But in the Paralympics there's so much scope in cheating -

really kind of wacky races stuff things going 'boing', you know.

I'd like to see somebody win by coming from behind

with a chin that shoots out on a stick.

-It'd be amazing!

-Do you know what I'd like?

A wheelchair with a fly wheel inside it, like a wind-up car,

so that one of the people, suspiciously, is backed into his starting thing,

and then goes 'whoomph'!

-And shoots down!

-Yeah.

"Wait a minute!"

Of all the events that have been fantastic,

-the wheelchair basketball has been...

-Oh, yeah.

Cos it's genuine, this is not, in any way, a mock-up.

This is a sport that these are the best people in the world at.

But it's properly brutal.

If for no other reason, you knock somebody over,

the rest of the team just leaves.

And they're going, "He's gone. He's dead to us. Leave him!

"If he can make it back up again, he can join in again."

They do. They do this... They just spring back up into their chair.

I've never seen anybody do anything quite like it.

Well, very rarely do you see somebody in a wheelchair

falling over and everyone going,

"No! Leave him. He has to spring back up."

You say that, but I live in London.

True, true.

My favourite event is the blind running. I love it.

When they run with the guide, that is fantastic, isn't it?

Cos what happens is, the people who can see, they have to

tell the runner who can't see when to overtake and stuff like that.

But you're thinking, "What happens when the blind runner is full of running and the guide is knackered?"

He'll be going, "Oh, no, no need to overtake just yet."

"No, no, we're doing just fine. In fact, we're in the lead!

"We're in the lead!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, we came sixth."

The thing is with those guides,

I saw Libby Clegg, who's a visually impaired runner,

and she runs with a black guy, but not all of them run with guides,

so it feels like a little bit of an unfair advantage.

She's basically being dragged around by Usain Bolt.

-That can't be fair.

-Somebody said that to me.

He said, "They're being pulled by a fast runner."

But they're not being pulled, though.

You don't see eight blind people being dragged over the line,

by strapping, huge people.

It's like saying, "Well, horse racing - that's clearly cheating

"cos those jockeys have got massive horses underneath them."

My favourite bit of commentary was an interview, actually,

in the proper Olympics.

There was an interview with a guy called Ross Murray, I think,

who's a British runner who had not qualified for the semifinals of the 1,500 metres.

He was a protege of Steve Cram.

He'd come sixth or something in his race and the guy said,

"Well, what went wrong, Ross?"

And he went - he came from the north-east -

"Well, I think it's, you know, it's...

"To be honest, it was a lot harder for me out there

"than it was for the Ethiopians and the Kenyans because, you know,

"they've been hard at it for four years and, to be honest,

"I've been hard at it since January after two years on the lash."

-I never watch any of the sports and think, "I could do that."

-Really?

Yeah, one of the few depressing aspects of the Olympics is constantly watching sports

and inevitably comparing yourself to the athletes.

It's hopeless, because I'm sitting at home

watching Usain Bolt run 100 metres in under 10 seconds.

My personal best at the 100 metres is 80 metres.

I think, actually, that depression of what they achieve

is even worse for the Paralympics,

cos they conquer so many different challenges,

and I watch it and it just brings me down cos I think,

"I once didn't go running because I had a sore finger."

Did you watch any of the canoeing?

I love the canoeing and the reason I love the canoeing,

my favourite bit of it, was that there was a double kayak pair,

a British pair, called Florence and Hounslow.

And I thought, "That is the most unlikely town twinning in history."

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-"What have you got? We have the Uffizi Gallery.

"Yes, we have works by Leonardo Da Vinci and Michelangelo. And you?"

-PATHETIC VOICE:

-"Oh, we have a very large branch of Staples."

At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart.

Now we play around called Oscar Pissed-offius.

This game involves Stewart, Andy and Andi,

so make your way to the performance area, please.

This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News and, wherever it stops,

one of our performers must talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is funniest. OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

..the police. Andy Parsons.

-Police, you say?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

Thought it was going to be bondage.

So, the police - often into bondage, aren't they?

The police, they've done away with annual fitness tests.

Apparently, the only people who are going to get fitness tests now are

some of the specialist positions - marksmen and women and dog handlers.

And you're thinking, "Well, surely there be only set of people who don't actually need to be fit."

They never need to chase a suspect, do they?

They can either shoot them or set the bloody dog on 'em.

Also the police, they've been keeping our DNA for 12 years.

12 years, right. Even when we've been innocent.

They were quoting some statistics from the Jill Dando Institute for crime science.

Now, I have a few problems with the Jill Dando Institute for crime science,

not least because they've yet to find the killer of Jill Dando.

That, to me, would be like having the Lord Lucan missing persons' helpline.

Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

The next subject is...

-..dating. Who wants to come in on that?

-OK.

-Andi Osho.

-Yes.

Well, I think that dating and technology do not go together.

This is a true story. It was in the Metro, so it must be true.

A brother and sister who were separated as children

met each other again through a dating website,

and they only found out three weeks into dating.

And it was reported as a good news story as well,

cos the woman was like, "Oh, my God, we've got so much in common!"

I'm thinking, "Yeah, like your DNA!"

But this is only a good news story

if they found out before anything happened.

You don't want to find out like this,

"Oh, my God! My brother had a mole on his dick."

"What did you say your surname was?"

There are some good things about technology and dating.

There's this app Grindr that gay guys are using.

For those of you who don't know, basically it tells them

how far they are from another available gay man.

I was telling a friend this and he was like, "So it's like a tracker?"

It's not a tracker, OK? You're not hunting gay men.

It's not that. Also, the guys have to be registered on the website.

You can't use your iPhone as a gaydar.

You can't just go up to someone and go... der-der-der-der-der.

You are fabulous!

But, anyway, I downloaded Grindr onto my phone

and there were like, as soon as I fired it up,

there were like 70 registered guys within ten metres of me.

It was amazing. Do you know what it was like?

You know that scene in Aliens where they're surrounded by the aliens?

They're going, "Ten metres - that's in the room."

"Well, you can't be reading it right."

"I am reading it right!"

"They're coming through the goddamn wall!"

IMITATES LASER FIRE / AUDIENCE GROANS

I'm not saying shoot gay men! There's a film called Aliens.

Thank you very much, Andi Osho.

OK, that leaves us with Stewart.

Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is family.

I'm homesick.

Does my wife think I'm a control freak? I haven't decided yet.

She used to hate that joke.

Now she loves it.

The other night at a party,

my wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo.

I said, "Listen to yourself."

I'm not thrilled that my wife's into bondage,

but my hands are tied.

Pretty woman. I call her Dollface because she's so pretty.

And she's missing an eye.

I think we were both on bumper cars when I first caught my wife's eye.

HE MOUTHS

No, we actually met at a sushi restaurant

and last week we went back for old times' sake.

Actually, I don't think it's pronounced that way.

Thank you very much, Stewart Francis.

Points at the end of that round go to Andy and Andi.

Everyone, sit back down.

Now we play a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, teams, why was this man in the news recently?

Oh, it's what happened in Vegas not staying in Vegas.

Yes, very much so. Why is that?

Cos he was playing strip billiards

and we all found out.

-Yes.

-It's just hijinks, isn't it? It's just Harry.

He takes after his dad, whoever that is.

Should they have printed the pictures?

It was a weird moment for newspapers

when The Sun printed the picture saying,

"Here's the picture you've all seen already."

It's like the opposite of news, isn't it?

-The royals haven't actually complained after they've printed the picture, have they?

-No.

Cos I guess they're thinking,

"Well, you know, if he's naked, at least he's not wearing a Nazi uniform."

-I did think strip billiards sounded a bit...

-Strip billiards,

it's hard enough dating as it is,

but if you're waiting for a girl who understands the rules of billiards,

you're going to die alone, aren't you?

Strip billiards sounds so posh as well.

Were they done with playing 'Spin The Pauper'?

Then they just played strip billiards.

People were saying, though, that he was a gentleman,

because in the photos he had his hands over the breasts of the woman.

Obviously the definition of a gentleman has changed a bit since I was growing up.

It's nonsense explaining it, "Oh, he's just being a normal soldier."

-ALUN: He is.

-Yes, a normal soldier, like all those other soldiers

within their 900-a-night private bungalows in the grounds of a Las Vegas mansion.

It's bullshit that we get sold the whole time.

"Oh, he's just like us. They're like us, the Royal Family."

They're not! They're not just like us.

You have never accidentally ended up in a part of your house you've never been in before.

They are not like us.

"Huh! The kitchen."

1970s joke.

The troops in Afghanistan, they've come out in support, haven't they?

-Yeah.

-By taking photos of themselves stripped completely naked.

-Yeah.

And it's basically Carry On Up The Khyber all over again, isn't it?

These photos were actually taken before the Harry thing.

This is just down to government cutbacks.

Who says they're doing it in support of Harry?

They're not. They're taunting him.

They're stripping naked in the Afghan sun going,

"Try it over here, ginger lad."

Two minutes naked out there - he'd look like a Babybel.

Yes, there are websites of squaddies and squaddies' families

who have supported Harry and decided to...

You know, I'm not saying...

I'm not much of a royal, but I still think there's an important principle here that,

you know, if a man wants to be naked at a party,

then we should support that as much as we can.

That's why I published

this particular photograph.

ANDI: Wow, Dara!

Interesting that you've got an All Blacks tattoo there.

-Yeah, it is actually.

-Are you an albino Maori?

I briefly played for the All Blacks before that photograph was poorly doctored.

If you think my tattoos are bad, you should see Andy's tattoos.

His are terrible. I mean, he really has...

Hugh, we're not saying that you're, you know,

but you decided to do it in foliage, which I thought was discreet.

Wait a minute!

With a growing sense of inevitability,

Chris must now realise that his is possibly the most erotic.

That is real.

And that has confirmed many people's suspicions that if you see me naked,

there is a pussy.

Whose famous face was recently given a makeover?

-Is this the Jesus story?

-This is the Jesus story.

This is, like, the Spanish woman who tried to restore this painting

and just ruined it.

She did. Where was it, by the way? Yeah, it was in... Argh!

-It was in Spain, where the Spanish ladies are.

-Yes.

And they do dance well.

It was in Zaragoza.

-It was in the Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza.

-That's it.

And the authorities were very cross with her cos the only people who are

allowed to touch up in a Catholic church are of course the priests.

Yes, it was the Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza,

and there is a century-old...

Zaragoza.

You really brought Spain to life for us there.

-You have to make an effort with foreign names. You can't just be zeds and...

-ANDI: Do it again.

-And you say 'Pa-ri', do you?

-Zaragoza.

Juanker.

So, anyway, Guadalcanal, si, bueno...

The worst thing is, I do a Spanish accent,

it goes Mexican incredibly quickly.

-MEXICAN ACCENT:

-There was a fresco in a church in Zaragoza.

This fresco was incredibly beautiful.

They call it 'El Guapismo'.

Anyway, there was a fresco in a church in Zaragoza...

-Where was the fresco?

-It's in a church.

-Was it in a church in Zaragoza?

-In a church in Zaragoza, si.

-How old was it?

-It was a century, 100 years old.

-A whole hundred years?

-A whole hundred years ago.

A whole... What a story this is, my God!

Somebody has touched up a 100-year-old painting on a wall.

It was a very quiet week. Zaragoza is a very sleepy town.

I think it's much more the case that it was decaying

because of where it had been painted, right?

And so this is how the fresco looked originally.

This is actually a photograph taken some years ago.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

The fresco was painted by Elias Garcia Martinez.

-Was that the one called Ecce Homo?

-I'm going for it.

-Do it, man. Do it.

This is how it looked just recently

because the plaster on which it was built had decayed,

so this is how it looked now.

So, a nice old lady,

a nice Zaragozan lady, went in and repainted it

and j-j-j-ust touched it up,

and this is how it looked when she'd finished.

Picasso would have been proud of that.

She thinks she's done a great job of it!

Here's one I sent in earlier.

It really should be.

HE HUMS A TUNE

'Old Lady, Zaragoza'.

I'm sorry, people of Zaragoza, we cannot return your paintings.

Thank you very much for sending them in to Mock The Week's gallery.

We can't send your paintings as they're painted on a wall in a church.

She actually made Jesus look like a Teletubby.

She also rounded him off as well, like she was twisting around the whole thing.

She thought she'd done a really good job, though,

cos everyone she showed it to went, "Jesus Christ!"

To be completely fair, we don't actually know what Jesus looked like.

He didn't look like that!

Hello! Hello!

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

Blessed are the meek...

-HUGH:

-I tell you what...

This might have been the bit in the Bible...

Hello, I'm Jesus.

There's a bit missing in the Bible where Jesus comes in after a botched face job.

At the Last Supper, everyone says, "Have you had any work done, Jesus?"

"No, no."

Do you like furry hat? My furry hat goes all the way around.

She's actually seeing the restorer next week, isn't she,

cos she's got to tell the restorer exactly what materials she used to do that,

and you're thinking, "All she's going to produce is half a potato.

The irony is she is probably older than the fucking fresco.

OK, at the end of that round,

the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart.

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so everyone make their way over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

If sign A over A equals sign B over B equals sign C over C,

what are the chances that you're ever going to use this in your sodding adult life?

CHEERING

According to Germany, how much is Greece worth?

One mark.

Exam board of Zaragoza - paint Jesus.

Jonathan is a Nigerian prince. What are your credit card details?

Three girls in this hall are pregnant.

Who's the daddy?

Compare the following -

A, the market,

B, the meerkat.

Heat the crystals until they produce a vapour.

Inhale.

The exam seems easier now, doesn't it?

Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.

Mental arithmetic - count up the voices in your head.

Using the paper provided,

roll a joint and pass it round.

Does this look infected?

In the recent Olympics,

Great Britain won three times as many gold medals as Australia.

That's not a question, just a statement.

One Direction are incredibly popular.

Explain.

Sport - how do you spell Akabusi?

Is it 'ay', 'ka',

'bee', 'oo', 'si'?

Yes or no?

If Steve eats two apples, and orange and a banana,

why is he such a fat fucker?

OK, next topic is...

And that's yet another gold medal for Ireland.

BOOS

That is the one thing I grew tired of - the Canadian national anthem -

during the...

CHEERS

Well, there's Prince Harry in the crowd.

I would recognise those buttocks anywhere.

Well, what an opening ceremony!

James Bond, Harry Potter, Mary Poppins,

showing the world that the greatest Britons are fictional.

Sweltering conditions here at the ladies' beach volleyball final,

but still those four blokes in the front row haven't taken their coats off.

Der-der-der-der, ta-da!

-HE WHISPERS:

-And that's the starting pistol,

and they're running.

They've finished.

To be honest, I usually do the snooker.

Welcome to Greco-Roman wrestling,

where a man from Greece and a man from Italy

wrestle each other for the one euro coin they found on the floor.

Clare Balding there,

but very slowly, and she's still got more hair than Colin Jackson.

And the long jumper from Sierra Leone there,

raking the sand for landmines.

You've got to admit he's pretty fast for a white guy.

Well, let's look at the 400-metre hurdles.

Those are very big hurdles.

And the winner is jumping up and down with delight,

which will probably see them disqualified from the wheelchair marathon.

Well, it's the treble, it's the three he wanted,

Usain Bolt has really enjoyed his night

with the Swedish women's handball team.

And next up, it's the dressage.

Or, at its properly known, Riverdance for horses.

And now it's time for the clean and jerk,

and clean again with an old sock.

OK, at the end of that round,

the points go to Alun, Andy and Andi.

And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Alun Cochrane.

Thank you for watching. Good night.

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# News of the world

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