Episode 6 Mock the Week... Again

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to the last in the current run of Mock The Week.

Over the last few weeks we have been busy celebrating our 100th show,

creating Monsoon Poultry Hospital and noting my resemblance to a giant penis-sausage.

I think there has been lots of stuff about banks and the eurozone as well. Tonight we are

taking a look back at some of those as well as things you won't have seen before.

This is the semi-annual compilation clip show. Hope you enjoy it.

Here is a picture of the Queen, what is

she saying here? She is saying, "So be it, Skywalker, now die."

Is she saying, "I can see you looking, Elton, it is my tiara, you can't borrow it."

Tom Jones looks like he is trying to hypnotise the Queen,

either that or he is being goosed by Sir Paul McCartney.

She seems to be saying, "Oh, dear, I seem to be at Madame Tussaud's."

Is she saying, "You do all have the number for Dignitas, don't you?"

Is she saying, "I've got major beef with you, Richard."

"I've got major beef with you, Richard."

Hang on, is she Peter Andre?

APPLAUSE

"I trained..."

IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Don't compare me to the Queen!"

"I've got major beef with you, Richard.

"You put the Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne again and I will cut your face."

It looks like it could be an advert. If you look at

McCartney and Tom Jones, it looks like an advert for Just for Men.

It's the Queen saying, "Go on, pull my finger."

Are the Americans saying happy birthday to her?

Grace Jones, she had a hula hoop. Randomly walks out singing Slave To The Rhythm.

I thought, am I the only one seeing this?!

# Slave to the rhythm... #

Who booked Grace Jones?!

She was not hula hooping, she had been imprisoned by

the elders from Krypton.

You must be careful. There was a concert.

There was an Ireland football match. I was looking at the score for loads

of Irish people and loads of people were Tweeting,

"Nobody cares, hash tag, Jubilee!"

Superb. Like I walked on to the stage to say, "Rob, put a sock in it! It's nil-nil."

Was it not strange that they built that elaborate row-boat, the Gloriana for

the Queen, and yet, was it just me who thought it was weird she was not on it?

The only person on it was Clare Balding. Tourists think Clare Balding is the Queen!

I saw the British Queen. She looks like she can handle herself in a pub fight!

APPLAUSE

The answer is chickens, nurses and rain. What is the question?

Is it what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?

Is it name three things...

APPLAUSE

Is it what are the most used sound effects

in the radio drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital?

"There's been another monsoon for the chickens!"

Why are all the actors Scottish in Monsoon Poultry Hospital?

"Doctor, doctor, I think that the chicken is drowning!"

Is it all the things that

my gran says is stealing her money when I visit her?

OK, what is the correct answer?

Name three things you will not find in a chicken nugget!

OK, correct...

Is it what are the opening stage directions in the television drama

Monsoon Poultry Hospital?

Chickens, nurses, rain, a man walks through the fog!

It is a hospital I'm working in now?

What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial early career porn film?

Sorry, I want to do more chickens and hospitals. "Clear!" "Cluck!"

"Clear!" "Bark!" "We've lost him."

That is me finishing off the chicken.

"Doctor, doctor, get me the baster!"

There is a graphic going around Twitter showing how much Vodafone evaded taxes

as opposed to how much Jimmy Carr evaded. Avoided not evaded.

Yes, because he will be making

his money back in a legal claim against Chris Addison.

Good luck with that!

It will be the case of the century. It will be this...

The most middle-class law case! "Get off!"

There was a graphic that went

around that, what was it, avoid? Avoidance, yes. There was a graphic going around,

I hope this will be worth it! It's been great so far(!)

There is nowhere that this can go now. Maybe you should have evaded

the joke, not avoided the joke.

APPLAUSE

I would love to, but I won't know

which is which. Sorry, so, evading is bad?

Evasion is illegal,

avoidance is legal, but potentially morally wrong. So Darth Avoider

was not as evil as...?

In the context that... Is that helpful?

He was standing back in the scenes, Darth Avoider saying, "I-I don't think we had to blow up

"the whole of the planet." Was he like a cuddly bear?

"I like the modcons of the Death Star, but not the morality."

Anyway, there was a graphic on Twitter...?

Was it about evasion or avoidance? Avoision!

There's a lot of avoision going on here.

AS GROUCHO MARX: It is like lactose intolerance, a milk avoision!

OK... Come on!

Blue Peter is coming on in a minute. There was a graphic showing the amount

of tax that Jimmy Carr avoided as opposed to the amount Vodafone had.

They avoided 3,000 more tax than him. I thought,

"Don't give him advice. In six months' time he'll have his own mobile phone company -

"the Jimmy Carr-Phone Warehouse!"

That is the long road's end.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

None of us can claim to be the cleanliest, in terms of tax avoidance.

Particularly if you're self-employed. There were schemes picked up,

film investment schemes that a lot of people put money into.

I myself, I put all of my savings into the big budget

production of Monsoon Poultry Hospital!

Very wise. You were involved.

I play the role of Morag the nurse.

I think we are going to make a lot of money. It is me and Hugh.

Does that say it is written by Alfred Hitchcock?!

It is nice to know where the budget of the show goes.

Do you notice how well I look as a nurse? Surprisingly fitting!

Big shoulders. A hint of the Readers' Wives about you there!

If you turned up at my bed in a hospital, I would discharge myself!

Listen, I have no doubt you would discharge yourself!

APPLAUSE

My favourite Olympic torch story is this week the Olympic torch

is brought on the raft to the slalom course. What brilliant plan is this?

Right, one second later, there is the Olympic torch! It had to be brought

and lit from the "mother flame," which apparently

is discreetly held in a miner's lamp. It is like a Zippo. It had to be re-lit.

The Olympic Flame has to be lit, kindled by the rays of the sun.

That isn't our strong point. They should have given us a special

dispensation, so everyone should have had a damp flannel and you

wring yours out into the other person's flannel.

APPLAUSE

Do you know what... What is weird about the Olympic torch, though, is it is

having a very exciting time. It's been on a zip wire in Newcastle, sailing,

white water rafting. It is like it has a deal with the Make A Wish Foundation.

It is like, as if it is somebody's stag do, taking

the Olympic torch white water rafting. If it was left in the lap

of a lap dancer... Like so many of my umbrellas!

And the Olympic torch

woke up, chained to a lamppost in Edinburgh! They are missing a trick.

It would be better if they turned to the guy to say, "You know what you

"have done, you have cancelled the Olympics! Set off the missile - we are ending this thing now."

"Shut it down, it is all over now!"

The Olympic torch has proved popular, hasn't it?

Lots of people meeting the Olympic torch. I think that they think it is actually

the sun. They are not seen it for a while... It is yellow, hot,

they are there going, "Ahh..."

My favourite week in the endless procession of

the torch is Jill Makinson Sanders, the Mayor of A town called Louth, in Lincolnshire,

who decided to dress up as a local product of the town

of Lincolnshire, they are apparently famous for its sausages. Here is how

she decided to welcome the torch and she ran alongside the torch.

She ran alongside the torch as a giant penis!

Down the streets...

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: It looks like you! It does not look like me!

APPLAUSE

It is nothing like me! My arms do not start above my chin like that.

I love that. The 100th programme, the first time we've been

heckled by the audience.

"You look like a giant penis sausage."

Do you want to do, can you do a clever director's thing to disprove...

To scotch the rumours that I look anything like a 6ft tall penis sausage.

Oh, look, there!

APPLAUSE

Nothing like that!

Hold the cards up.

The other hand. Teeth!

APPLAUSE

Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar!

Our next round is News Reel.

We play footage featuring people in the news and ask Hugh

to suggest what is in the clip. This week's clip is David Cameron and William Hague.

DAVID CAMERON: Enjoying the Moscow weather, William?

WILLIAM HAGUE: Why aren't we in the car?

CAMERON: There is one road in, one road out. After the pasty thing we can't afford a U-turn.

I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

This is William Hague, Phil Mitchell lookalike.

We are here to meet Vladimir Putin and the other fella.

RUSSIAN MAN: Yes, well, you say

you are the Prime Minister, yet you do not have a car.

CAMERON: We have not come in a car.

RUSSIAN MAN: Even the Greeks have a car and their economy is shit.

CAMERON: Please, let us in, he is expecting us, show us in, please.

HAGUE: So, this is the inside of the fearsome Kremlin, can't see why it is frightening,

perhaps people have never been to Barnsley.

CAMERON: Lovely to see you. Didn't recognise you with a shirt on, not riding a horse.

PUTIN: Let's meet the others.

CAMERON: I am David, I am the... Hello... How do you do... I am David Cameron...

No, not one hand-shake.

HAGUE: Well, never mind, David, you've only lost a bit of pride.

At least you have not mislaid your child again.

CAMERON: Come to think of it... Never mind. PUTIN: So, comrade Cameron, the mission is complete.

Phase two - you will travel to Washington, give President Obama a present he is not expecting.

CAMERON: Oh, my God, he's gone mad.

Never mind, carry on as normal. Don't eat any sushi.

So, right, Vladimir,

we are very pleased to be here

at this historic time for both our countries.

We wish to foster trade links between our two great nations.

Russia and Britain are uniquely matched

in that you have lots of money

and we are happy for you not to pay any tax at all.

So, could you translate that, please?

TRANSLATOR: Yes, certainly.

He says you are criminal who rigged the election

and you should rot in jail.

PUTIN: Hmm!

CAMERON: No, I didn't say that, I was talking about trade links.

TRANSLATOR: Yes, he says you dress like a girl and you smell like a meerkat.

Kill him!

Thank you very much, Hugh.

Why was a Preston to London Megabus stopped by the police

on the motorway this week?

Just the usual reasons.

This was the story where a passenger reported seeing some smoke

coming out of some other passenger's bag,

thought it was a bomb,

turned out it was a fake cigarette, producing a water vapour.

Now, let's face it, if you've been pulled over,

loads of police have arrived, you've got guns in your face,

you're being accused of being a terrorist,

that's not going to help you give up smoking, is it?

I'm always really freaked out by Megabus.

Are they not the weirdest thing in the world?

Nothing against the bus service itself, but when you drive on the motorway, going to gigs,

the back of the Megabus, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure,

there's times when you just get hypnotised by that weird...

There are many things, firstly,

why does that man have such large breasts?

I've spent hours staring at that man's breasts!

Where can you go for ?1? You'd have to contact Megabus. There's an address there.

I love the way they've put, "Plus a 50p booking fee,"

as if people are going to say, "That's a rip off."

"I walked in with this in my hand,

"expecting to be transported to a far away land.

"Then I find you want more money off me? Screw you, Megabus man!"

A yellow man with enormous bazongas,

looks disappointed behind the counter.

"Oh!"

APPLAUSE

I apologise.

I know that when you're disappointed you don't go, "I am disappointed."

I feel that Megabus represents

the top of the list of the decadence of the West.

Yeah, we will bring the West to its knees.

Middle-aged women from the north

will no longer go to matinees in the West End.

Students shall not visit their girlfriends in far away towns.

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

What's really irritating about this is for the entire time, in my ear,

constantly people are going, "Wear the hat, wear the hat."

They gave me a yellow hat because they think I look like the Megabus guy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That means that that man looks like a penis sausage.

They should call it penissausage.com.

You're just bringing this up to try and make everybody forget

that you look like a penis sausage.

You just look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat.

Oh, no!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I have lost ownership of the joke now.

Somebody's got another new Twitter avatar!

Am I... Am I a little bit shiny?

In other news...

Yeah, that's that done now.

Was there anything else you want me to do? Any other pick ups?

There's no point in avoiding tax when earning it is that easy!

APPLAUSE

They could have dropped that into the show anyway.

You were suddenly, randomly drunk!

I don't need it!

I just like the taste.

Thank you very much. Who...

Who are you talking to?

Well, let's be honest, we've all been wondering.

And Rooney is... HE STUTTERS

BUZZER

Fuck you!

And Rooney is in... Been in... Shut up!

Nice to hear the applause ended before you could sit down,

so you sit down in complete silence.

"It was good, but it wasn't that good," you may mock.

So, what's been happening in the year, 2012?

Tell me how good it was.

I don't have to tell you fucking anything!

Oh, no, that's the wrong category.

The RSPCA told farmers to move their cattle to higher ground...

When you said that, I couldn't get rid of the image of a farmer going,

# Take me to higher ground... #

APPLAUSE

I wasn't expecting you to dance in the middle.

That is more of that, isn't it? # Take me to higher ground... #

It's a strange time to be doing a language tape?

I don't know, but he was very angry about his gas fire.

Is it in fact, apparently one million Britons go to work on drugs?

Yes, it is. One in 30 apparently test positive for drugs

and in some firms, as much as one in seven.

So, if you're looking round this particular panel,

I've got to be honest, my money's on Milton.

OK, the next topic is... The next topic is... Walk away!

Bloody penis sausage!

In the 1980s in Manchester, we had this huge pigeon problem...

Not huge pigeons, I mean, that would have been awful.

Argh!

Sorry. I've lost my ear piece. Sorry.

Something's just come out of his penis.

My penis sausage.

Quite literally ejaculated my ear piece out of my sausage penis head.

# Take me to higher... #

No, actually, that's much more...

# One singular sensation... #

Obviously, when we're about to discuss this,

I'd ask you to temper the comments, the jokes and the observations

with the fact that Andy Murray, the runner-up in the British men's

singles final, is actually out there in the audience at the moment.

A big hello to Andy Murray! APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Andy, specifically said, "Yeah, no fuss. No fuss.

"Just dropping into the back of the show to enjoy the gig like anyone else."

No big thing happening.

So, all I am saying is, it's a pleasure to have you here, Andy.

When you're talking about the final, keep it light.

There he is!

You've got some glasses down there,

you can have a crack at that one as well!

I am not doing every face that we do on this show!

Yes, Professor Peter Higgs... I'm not. I'm not going to do this.

I can't look like everything that we discover on the show.

He looks like...

APPLAUSE

OK. Here we go. The first subject is

Things You Didn't Hear At The Queen's Jubilee.

And look at that, a sea of red, white and blue

as thousands of hyperactive children

vomit up the icing from the Jubilee cake mix!

You can't help thinking that nationalism may have gone a little too far.

The flotilla is now anchored off France, ready to invade Calais.

We hear recently that the Queen's dogs have done a complete overhaul

of the palace plumbing system.

Mercifully, they are Corgi registered!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Come in number 46, your time is up.

And now is our chance to join in lustily with the second verse

of the National Anthem.

# On... To be served... To...

# Ma-ma-ma... The Queen... #

Yes, doc, so if I say I have a bladder infection, will it work?

Excellent. I can't stand Gary Barlow!

Harry, when I told you to put on your uniform,

I didn't mean THAT one!

And it's amazing to think, isn't it, she is 86 years old.

Please, give it up one more time, Annie Lennox!

And this is a real Jubilee mug,

a man who has paid ?25 for a Jubilee mug.

Awful scenes before the concert,

as a rather embarrassing fat man has jumped on to the stage.

He is pulling faces and mouthing to Robbie Williams' records...

Oh...

And the Queen places the diamond in the stand,

lighting the final Jubilee beacon.

Now she enters the crystal dome

and tries to collect as many golden coupons as she can...

The boat is spread out over the vast space of the Thames,

like thoughts in Fearne Cotton's head.

There she is, Her Majesty the Queen. Where else can you see

an 86-year-old, standing for hours, just waiting to be seen?

Well, any NHS hospital.

The next topic is, Unlikely Lines From A Thriller.

What more evidence do you need that there is a mole?

Look at the lawn!

Your wife's head in a box.

You must be the most unlucky contestant ever on Deal Or No Deal.

What colour wire do I have to cut?

The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink or the fuchsia?!

I want to make you a vodka martini.

You can't handle vermouth!

"Is that a gun in your pocket,

"or are you just pleased to see me?" she purred.

Yes, it is a gun in my pocket

and I've just shot my cock off.

I'm telling you, there will be no attack.

This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.

So, Mr Bond, we meet... Argh! Flipping cat!

I'm telling you, Captain, I work best alone, or sometimes in a team.

Basically, I'm saying I'm flexible.

So, Mr Bond, we meet at last.

We didn't we ever Skype?

I would like to gently lift your horse's foot...

You can't handle the hoof!

I had human liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti,

but the entertainment was excellent and he was a lovely host,

so I'm giving Hannibal seven out of ten!

Here's Johnny!

Do you mind, I'm trying to have a shit in here!

"This prostitute is not dead," said the Norwegian detective.

"She is just pining for the Fjords!"

And as his eyes became accustomed to the shadowy darkness,

he realised he was not alone in that room.

"Who is it?"

"It's me, Peter Andre!"

At the end of the round, the points go to Greg, Hugh and Chris!

APPLAUSE

So you have four different permutations for the ending...

Is your name still Dara O Briain?

No, it's sausage penis face.

I've been a sausage penis face, good night.