Episode 5 Mock the Week... Again

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This programme contains strong language.

Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are

Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe and Miles Jupp.

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We start with a round called

If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Josh, which would you like?

Can I go sport? OK.

The answer is...

74 years. What's the question?

Is it what is the official age at which you can be racist

and get away with it?

How much back-tax does Jimmy Carr owe?

CHEERING

Is it when will it stop raining?

Is it the traditional amount of time

between a person's first meal at a Harvester...

LAUGHTER ..and their second meal.

Is it how long would it take Victoria Beckham

to eat a Cornish pasty?

Is it, how long a minute feels in the company of Louie Spence?

Is it what would it feel like

if Prince Charles was agreeing with the answer 74?

HE IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES 74 years, yes.

LAUGHTER

Is it how long will Katie Holmes have to look over her shoulder?

Is it how long after eating mackerel is it safe to burp again?

Is it what is the average age

of the person buying Beyonce's new track, All The Shingle Ladies?

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Is it if you come out of a toilet at a music festival,

how long do you suggest to the person who's going in

that they should leave it?

Is it what is the distance of my exclusion order

from Doctor Who's assistant?

LAUGHTER

Any questions? Is it when did the last British man

enter a final at Wimbledon? Yes. In the singles. In the singles.

Very good, thank you very much, Andy Parsons!

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was look for was, before Andy Murray,

how long had it been since a British man

reached a Wimbledon singles final?

Andy Murray was the first to achieve this feat

since Bunny Austin was runner-up in 1938.

Obviously, when we're about to discuss this, I would ask you

to temper your comments, jokes and observations

with the fact that Andy Murray,

the runner-up in the British men's singles final,

is actually out there in the audience at the moment.

Big hello to Andy Murray!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Andy specifically said, "No fuss, no fuss!"

LAUGHTER

"Just going to drop in, at the back of the show,

"just enjoy the gig, just like anyone else would."

"Not a big thing happening about the whole thing."

All I'm saying is,

a pleasure to have you here, Andy. Enjoy the show.

Obviously, when you're talking about the final, keep it light, keep it light!

MOCK SOBBING

Why don't we talk about Bunny Austin?

My grandfather used to drive a Bunny Austin!

Were you watching it, did you enjoy it? Yeah.

It was very, very emotional. I was crying.

I didn't really know why I was crying,

just everybody with me was crying.

It was like we'd been watching Terms of Endearment.

LAUGHTER

Top three tear-jerkers of all time, Terms of Endearment, Philadelphia,

and Andy Murray trying to congratulate Roger Federer

without calling him a bastard.

LAUGHTER

It was very emotional. What I loved most of all was Ivan Lendl.

He's a man, you know, he wears his heart on his sleeve, doesn't he?

He runs the full gamut of emotion.

Here's Ivan.

Ivan is sad.

Ivan is happy.

Ivan is excited.

I also like the fact that Ivan doesn't... Nothing changes.

Nothing. There's nothing. There is a tendency to presume

that the more natural would be like Gok Wan or something.

"You go!"

"You're looking great down there."

I'm not having a go, Andy. I shouldn't start like that!

Wow. Feel the mood in the room change there!

Ivan Lendl, I understand,

is famous for being the best player never to have won Wimbledon.

So, as an appointment to try and win Wimbledon.

That's like going, "I'm trying to catch a road runner,

"I'm going to ask Wile E Coyote for some suggestions."

Ivan Lendl was never foiled by an anvil falling on him.

And if he had been hit on the head by an anvil,

he would have looked like this...

If I won Wimbledon,

the first thing I'd do is sort the one-way system out.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think it's all right to be like that.

This is something that Andy Murray comes in..

A huge criticism about Andy Murray is,

"Oh, he's sullen and uncommunicative in post-match interviews."

You'd be sullen and uncommunicative if, after work every day,

you had to pass somebody with a camera and a microphone going,

"Amazing bit of photocopying in the middle of the day there,

"what was going through your mind there?"

They're lucky, those reporters, that they don't finish the reports,

"This is Tim Franks, from Wimbledon A,

"with a tennis racquet up my arse."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My favourite people that I saw in the crowd

were the four Andy Murray supporters

who had M, U, R and Y on their shirts.

There's four of them.

Why on Earth did they go for the surname and not the first name?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you not think that the problem really

is the fact that British players aren't used to those facilities?

If those courts were turned into cracked black Tarmac

with weeds growing out of them,

honestly, we would win a lot more tournaments.

And if that didn't work,

you'd just make sure that every fourth ball is flat.

Rounds would last longer if the nets all dipped by about six inches.

A middle-class couple at the side, going,

"I think you'll find we're on in five minutes."

Give them five balls,

wherever they hit them, they've got to get them themselves.

Every so often, the ball boy's picked up the wrong tube

and you get Pringles.

The bit I like in tennis is when they throw the ball into the crowd.

At the end of the football, they throw their shirt into the crowd.

Anyway, I'm off the pub darts team.

LAUGHTER

Andy was unlucky, though - they closed the roof.

It wasn't actually raining,

it's just that Sir Cliff Richard was in

and they didn't want to take any chances.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Which unlikely British player did win a title at Wimbledon this year?

Tim Henman? No.

Bunny Austin? No.

Vanessa Feltz?

This was a guy called Marray. Yes.

Which is interesting, because it's only one letter away from Murray

and that got me worried that maybe it's a vowel thing

and Andy's in a queue.

He's not going to win until Mr Merry, Mirry and Morry

have all had their day.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Jonathan Marray, one of those two men there...

LAUGHTER

The one on the far-left, I think.

The one on the right.

The one applauding in the suit.

He won the doubles with his Danish partner, Frederik Nielsen.

You win two trophies, AND a midget butler?

In other news, why was a Preston to London Megabus

stopped by the police on the motorway this week?

Just the usual reasons!

This was the story where a passenger reported

seeing some smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag,

thought it was a bomb.

Turned out it was a fake cigarette that was producing water vapour.

Now, let's face it, if you've been pulled over,

loads of police have arrived,

you've got guns in your face, you're being accused of being a terrorist,

that's not going to help you give up smoking, is it?

They shut the M6, 17 police cars and riot vans,

13 fire engines, four ambulances,

and an Army bomb disposal truck attended the incident.

They walked people off, their heads in their hands,

made them sit in the middle of the road.

Those people on the Megabus,

that's not the first bad trip they've been on!

When they were on the side of the road, you could see some going,

"This is the most luxurious part of the journey so far."

I'm always freaked out by Megabus.

Isn't it the weirdest thing in the world?

Nothing against the bus service.

But when you drive on the motorway, going to gigs,

the back of the Megabus, when you're driving along,

for those of you who haven't had the pleasure,

there's times you get hypnotised by that weird thing.

There's many things I've observed.

Firstly, why does that man have such large breasts?

For hours, staring at that man's breasts going,

"What kind of..."

Where can you go for ?1?

You'd have to contact Megabus. There's an address.

I like how they need to put, "Plus a 50p booking fee,"

as if people are going to go, "Well, that's a rip-off!"

"I walked in here with THIS in my hand,

"expecting to be transported to a faraway land.

"Then I find you want more money off me!

"Screw you, Megabus man, yellow man with enormous bazongas."

Looks disappointed behind the counter. "Ohh...."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is the way people react.

I apologise. I apologise to people.

I know that when you're disappointed you don't go, "I am disappointed."

Megabus represents the top of the list of the decadence of the West.

"We will bring the West to its knees!

"Middle-aged women from the North

will no longer be able to go to matinees in the West End!"

"Students shall not visit their girlfriends in faraway towns!

"Mua-ha-ha-ha!"

Do you think when they were dragged off the bus,

and they were all sat around it,

they were still close enough to the bus

to be able to use the free Wi-Fi?

So they can email the photographs of their own terror alert.

The only thing really irritating me about this,

in my ear, constantly, people are going,

"Wear the hat, wear the hat. Wear the hat. Wear the hat."

They gave me a yellow hat,

because they think I look like the Megabus guy.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That means that that man looks like a penis sausage.

They should call it penis sausage.com.

Oh, something else is called that.

You're just bringing this up to make everybody forget that you look like a penis sausage.

That's what's going on here.

You just look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat!

Oh, no!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I have lost ownership of the joke now.

Somebody's got another new Twitter avatar!

At the end of that round - although I should give them to myself

for the assault to my dignity -

the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, we play a round called Fifty Shades Of Mock.

This game involves Milton, Andy and Josh.

If you could make your way over to the performance area, please.

This is our stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News.

Wherever it stops, one of the performers must step forward

and talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is money.

Who wants to come in on that? Andy Parsons.

So...

Wonga.com.

Current interest rate...

4,214%.

They've got some balls, haven't they?

And people take them up on it!

I don't know what happens, I don't know if they go,

"Oh, look, 4,214%...

"that seems about right."

And why is wonga.com successful?

It's because the banks aren't lending. Why are they not lending?

That is what banks are supposed to do.

"Oh, I'm a prostitute." "Do you shag?"

"No.

"I just sell pet insurance and breakdown cover!"

At the moment,

the whole world economy is being propped up by the Chinese.

China at the moment being run by two men, the Chinese Premier,

a man by the name of Wen,

and the Chinese President, a man by the name of Hu.

I kid you not, China is currently being run by Wen and Hu.

It is like an Abbott and Costello sketch, isn't it?

"Who's the Chinese Premier?"

"No, Wen's the Chinese Premier."

"Hu's the Chinese President?" "I don't know."

"No, Hu's the Chinese President!"

"Since when?"

"No, Wen has never been the Chinese President!"

APPLAUSE There goes Andy Parsons.

OK. Let's spin the wheel again.

The next subject is technology. Who wants to come in? Josh.

I'll take that...

People say technology is moving forwards, but I'm not sure.

I'm increasingly finding myself at these cashpoints

where they can't even be bothered

to make the buttons line up with the screen.

There is no stress in the world like that.

Stood there going, "Please God, let this be ?20,

"if this is ?40, I might as well just kill myself."

Worse, if it's one of the cashpoints where you go up

and the screen is angled, so the sun is on it.

You go up for ?20, you leave with a new PIN number

and a chequebook in the post.

I don't want to cancel, I don't want to clear. What's the difference?

Trying to put your card back in,

people going, "Piss off, mate, it's not winner stays on!"

I'm already stressed when I'm at a cashpoint,

cos I've already had to stand there for ten seconds,

unable to put my card in,

cos it's still thanking the guy that's already pissed off.

Who is hanging around for that?

"I've got my card, my cash. Hold on, guys."

"Well, it's been an absolute bloody pleasure doing business with you!"

APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Josh, well done.

And so, that leaves us with Milton. Let's spin the wheel.

The topic is employment.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

I used to dream of having a job.

Sometimes I'd go down to the bottle bank

and stick my arms in through the holes

and pretend to be working at a nuclear processing facility.

I lost my job as a prison officer for organising a lock-in.

I only had one job as an architect,

but apparently a revolving mosque

makes it difficult to pray towards Mecca.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My first day working on a building site,

I felt sure someone would ask me

to go and get something that didn't exist.

You know, like "striped" paint or something.

Sure enough, someone asked me to go and get an "air ambulance".

Well, I played them at their own game.

Took my time. I said, "Oh, no, I couldn't seem to find one."

You should have seen his face.

It was blue.

Years ago, of course, I used to supply Filofaxes for the Mafia.

Yeah, I was involved in VERY organised crime.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Well done. Points to Milton there,

everyone come back.

Shall I tell you how Ivan Lendl reacted to that joke?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now we play a game called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, teams, what is going on here?

Is it Dyson unveils most powerful vacuum cleaner yet?

Is it the centrefold of Engineering Porn Monthly?

Is it preparation continues for Eric Pickles' colonic irrigation?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Is it best contestant ever

on Scrapheap Challenge?

Is it that man saying,

"Well, if this thing falls on me, at least I've got a hat on"?

That is regrettably the only printer that my computer will recognise.

Goal-line technology bigger than expected?

OK, can anybody give me the correct answer?

Is it the fitting of Eamonn Holmes' gastric band?

Is it something to do with science?

It is. Bravo. Touche.

Is it the CERN Higgs boson thing?

Yes!

Yes, I'm going to accept that. It is the CERN Higgs boson thing.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it is the CERN Higgs boson thing,

also known as the Large Hadron Collider.

Physicists at CERN in Switzerland

have declared that there is overwhelming evidence

that they have discovered a new particle

that bears all the hallmarks of the Higgs boson.

The find is considered

one of the most important scientific advances in a century.

Now, before I go to you and get you to comment on this,

I'd just like to bear in mind

that in the audience tonight we have Professor Higgs,

who has come all the way from...

There she is. A very great woman, congratulations.

APPLAUSE

Very, very great. Very great.

An unbelievably shy woman.

For many years, she has, in public, only wanted to appear as an old man.

Stop pointing the camera at that poor, randomly-chosen woman.

There he is! CHEERING

That's her as we more normally know him.

I reckon if you've got some glasses down there,

you could have a crack at that one as well!

I am not doing every face that we do on the show!

He was known as Professor Penis Sausage Face.

"My penis sausage is this big!"

Yes, they found the Higgs boson.

Professor Higgs is... Oh, I'm not, I'm not.

I'm seriously not going to do this, right?

I can't look like everything that we discover on the show.

He looks like...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..Jonathan King!

That is Jonathan King.

Isn't he an astonishing bloke, the professor,

didn't he also not teach Eliza Doolittle to speak properly?

The funniest thing about him is that he lectures in Edinburgh University,

and up until recently,

he's been the Scottish physicist Professor Higgs,

but now that it's been found and he's successful,

he's suddenly the British physicist, Professor Higgs.

That's one for Andy Murray.

It was lovely, though. It was absolutely lovely,

cos he didn't expect it to happen in his lifetime. He's 83.

He proposed this idea over 40 years ago.

He travelled to Switzerland to see the announcement.

And it's just nice to have a happy story

about an 83-year-old travelling to Switzerland.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you complete that word at the back of his head,

it just says Jedi.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And do you know what he did when he found out?

He... I've no idea. He cried.

He cried. Of course he cried, everyone cries now.

It's all tears now, boo-hoo.

Things have gone well, things have gone badly, wah-wah-wah.

Jesus. That's why there's no more hosepipe ban.

Boo-hoo-hoo!

Did he not think,

"I'm going to splash out on a Megabus back to Edinburgh"?

I think it's a real shame, this business.

This is a lot of time and money they've spent,

and that is time and money they could've spent, for instance,

working out how to make slightly less noisy hand dryers,

which I find incredibly annoying.

AUDIENCE MEMBER APPLAUDS Thank you, let's start this revolution now.

I love the moment in the show when we really catch the public mood(!)

I can't believe he got a standing ovation

for getting to the final of Wimbledon.

I came up with my brilliant thing about hand dryers, no-one does a fucking thing!

Why is this going to be bad news for Stephen Hawking?

This is because he's lost a bet, a $100 bet.

He said that they'd never find the Higgs boson particle.

But you have to say, the person who he's had a bet with...

You'd have to be a bit of a bastard

to take the money off him, wouldn't you?

You wouldn't bet Stephen Hawking $100.

Surely if you're going to bet him anything, you'd bet him a go on his chair.

We may have gone over the line. We'll just check Hawk-Eye.

Stephen Hawk-Eye would be a great thing though, wouldn't it?

IN ROBOTIC VOICE: Out. The ball was out.

IN ROBOTIC VOICE: It was out.

It has been out for billions of years.

The strange thing about Stephen Hawking

is that he's a British person,

who we sort of know as having an American accent,

which must be an astonishing thing for his brain,

cos he must have a memory of his own voice and yet this thing comes out.

Makes me feel terribly sorry for him.

But at least it's not a Brummie accent,

cos then nobody would have believed him, would they?

MOCK BRUMMIE ACCENT: "I've got a theory."

"Have you?"

"I've a good theory about time."

"Is it? Off you go, then." IMITATES WHEELCHAIR MOTOR

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Miles, Josh and Andy.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

If everyone makes their way over to the performance area, please.

I'll read this week's topics, and we'll see what our panellists come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Things you won't hear at the Olympics.

Very impressive.

Usain Bolt has done a lap of honour,

and won the 400 metres as well.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

So, Daley going for three-and-a-half somersaults with pike.

And you have to say, the pike doesn't look too happy about it.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Good morning. No surprises here at the final of the archery...

Agh!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Victoria Pendleton's cycling incredibly fast at the moment,

desperate to try and get away from a horny Boris Johnson.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

She was hoping for bronze,

but sadly for Sue Barker,

she is bright orange.

BUZZER

I would like to apologise for my earlier mistake.

We are in fact watching the javelin,

and not, as I said, dwarf darts.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

And all of the sailing golds have gone to the Somali team,

in exchange for the safe return of Sir Steve Redgrave.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

That is the fifth girl to jump off the top board

and miss the huge pool below.

Women divers!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE, BUZZER

This gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty.

His name is Cherjick Kiddock-Kada-Flilli-Flivovov.

BUZZER

That is the ten-minute Freeview of the beach volleyball.

If you'd like to watch the full match...

LAUGHTER

..please enter your PIN now.

APPLAUSE, BUZZER

And the crowd are on their feet.

So much for getting the stadium finished on time.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Well, that really was a spectacular day of weightlifting,

but before we go, we've got time to just look over

some of the most spectacular anal prolapses we've seen today.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Lane one, a family eating popcorn.

Lane two, two guys on a stag night.

Lane three... I'm in the wrong place.

This is bowling!

LAUGHTER, BUZZER

And now in the weightlifting, it's the snatch.

She's a big girl, but it's still compulsive viewing.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Well, here at Weymouth, our gold-medal prospect is out.

In the last race, he touched a boy

and he's been arrested by Social Services.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, next topic.

Unlikely things to read in a children's book.

And so the Tiger came to tea,

and then shagged another woman and went back to playing golf.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER, APPLAUSE

As soon as Professor Snape saw Hermione,

he knew in a few years, she would be really hot.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

"What's a Gruffalo?" Said the Gruffalo.

"It's a buffalo on 40-a-day."

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

"These bacon sandwiches are delicious," said Pooh.

"Aren't they, Piglet? Piglet?"

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

BUZZER

And so, the 101 Dalmatians fell asleep.

Hang on, those aren't Dalmatians.

Those are just ordinary white puppies riddled with bullets!

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Hello, my name is the Very Hungry Caterpillar

And I have an eating disorder.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Unfortunately, Bob the Builder couldn't fix it,

because Bobski the Polish Builder had undercut him

and done a far better job.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

"This place is rubbish," said Edmund.

"Doesn't anybody have sex here?" "Oh yes," said Aslan.

"What do you think the Griffins are for?"

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

But despite his protests, Mr Tickle was put on the register.

LAUGHTER, BUZZER

APPLAUSE

After years of depression and alcoholism,

the little girl emigrated.

And that is the end of Alice In Sunderland.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BUZZER

"This is Poo Corner,"

explained one of the other captives.

LAUGHTER

"Have you heard about Badger?" said Ratty.

"He's been gassed to stop the spread of bovine TB."

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

As the train came slowly past,

the Railway Children chucked stones at it

and spray-painted "Thomas is a wanker!"

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Tales Of The Unexpected.

Once upon a... AARGH!

LAUGHTER

And then, as he did every night,

Fantastic Mr Fox knocked over a bin

and shat on a doorstep.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that's the end of the show.

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Josh Widdicombe, Miles Jupp,

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

This week's winner is Andy Murray, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Pleasure to have you here. Thank you for watching.

I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

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