Episode 4 Mock the Week... Again

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Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Mark Watson,

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before we start tonight,

I should just point out that this is our 100th show!

MUSIC: "The Hallelujah Chorus" by Handel

Yes, hallelujah.

Episode one went out back in June 2005.

Here's a picture of how Andy and I looked back then.

LAUGHTER

I do look like an IRA political prisoner.

I look really like my own grandmother.

So, our congratulations to Hugh,

who's the only person who's been on all 100 shows, along with myself.

Well done to Hugh.

FANFARE

Not bad, actually.

We may have to work on our timing here slightly.

FANFARE

Not bad. There we are.

APPLAUSE

Andy's on 95, but he'll never make up that five.

And it was a different time. 2005, different time.

You can't go back. Well, you can if you watch Dave.

Pre-Twitter. Pre-Twitter. What did people do?

Did they just open the windows and go, "Ha-ha-ha! LOL"?

Anyway, we start tonight, however, with our 100th show

with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, who is this and why is he in the news this week?

That is Bob Diamond.

-Who's Bob Diamond?

-He's the CEO of Barclays.

-Yes, and why is he in the news?

-Because he's resigned.

-Why has he resigned?

-Because he's been a bad boy.

He's resigned cos they've massaged an interest rate,

manipulated a thing called LIBOR.

-Which is what the Labour Party's called in the Midlands.

-Yes.

What I love is that their chairman resigned. His name is Marcus Agius.

And you think, "Who's he, commander of the armies of the north?

"General of the Phoenix Legion?"

What's he doing? No wonder he didn't know what was going on at Barclays.

He was preparing for the Conquest of Gaul.

I'm Marcus Meridius Agius,

chairman of a dodgy bank,

fall guy for a fiscal scandal,

and I will have my bonus, in this life or the next.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A disgraced Roman emperor -

should he be surrounded by people blowing this?

Every time Marcus Agius walks into the room,

people should be going...

FANFARE

This is one of those scandals where everybody's furious,

and nobody knows what they're furious about.

Absolutely nobody understands.

All we know is that Barclays have done something bloody awful and that man should go.

What is it? I don't know. I don't like him and I think he should go.

Who should? I'm not sure about that either, to be honest.

I'm furious about the whole thing.

What they did is, they dabbled in a thing called LIBOR,

which is the London Interbank Offered Rate,

and they managed to drive it down.

Drive it down? How dare they drive down the Interbank?

Well, that meant your interest rates were lower on your mortgage.

"Oh, oh, conflicted now."

I found out my bank were fixing the loan rate.

I went down there every single day and shouted at them.

But then I consolidated all my anger into one monthly outburst.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I just wonder why everyone's so shocked about Barclays,

cos they've always been quite dodgy.

They refused to boycott South Africa years ago.

That's why I refuse to bank with them, you know.

I'm overdrawn somewhere else.

That's one in their eye, isn't it?

That is why I also don't bank with Barclays.

You know, I feel I did my bit.

When I was little, I didn't eat South African apples,

So, you know, I feel, you know, I've done my...

Yeah, you have. In fact, you were mentioned by Mandela...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

Parsons got me through the hard years.

It was quite easy for me, cos I didn't like apples.

If it was South African Sherbet Dib Dabs,

I think Mandela could still have been in prison.

Very good. I'm with Barclays.

I don't say that as a big advertisement.

I bank with Barclays cos when I moved over here I went to Lloyds,

cos they were the first one I happened to walk past,

and tried to open an account,

but Lloyds don't accept Irish passports

as a valid form of identification.

LAUGHTER

I'm flicking through it, going,

"I've just... Look, China accepted this as a valid form of...

"All I want to do is give you money,"

and they're going, "Ooh, I don't know who you are."

In other news, whose wife took him by surprise this week?

Not mine.

-Tom Cruise's wife.

-How did she do that?

-She's asked him for a divorce.

Doesn't anyone else find this really sad, that they're getting divorced?

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Like, if a fake marriage can't pretend to be happy,

then what hope do the rest of us have?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I just hope that Tom now doesn't do anything stupid,

cos you know when you're vulnerable when things go wrong with your relationship,

you might end up joining a cult, that sort of thing.

It's a shame for him, cos he thought it was a marriage made in...

KLINGON-LIKE GIBBERISH

I found out that apparently he proposed to her

standing on top of the Eiffel Tower.

Now, I know he's paranoid about his height, but that seemed...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I find scientology... I mean,

I don't know much about it, but I can't really take it seriously,

cos it sounds like the kind of word your uncle would use

if he was talking to you about careers or something.

"So you're doing maths, yes? You're doing physics.

"Well, why don't you become a Scientologist?

"That's a career."

It sounds like one of those made-up words that cosmetics companies use.

You know, "Now Pantene Pro-V with added Scientology."

A leading Scientologist says,

"Well, in tests, Xenu, the God of space,

"who dropped his souls into the volcanoes

"said it kept his skin lovely and smooth."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But do you know why it's treated as a religion?

It's treated as a religion by the US for tax purposes.

That's something Jimmy Carr could look into.

LAUGHTER

"Well, they don't exactly worship me, they just laugh a lot."

What happened, though,

was that when he first announced his excitement about Katie Holmes,

he went on the Oprah Winfrey Show

and he jumped up and down on her sofa,

but even that was massively calculated.

It's hardly a risk jumping up and down on Oprah's sofa.

If it can take her weight, it can definitely take his.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Ooh! Well, well, well.

The Oprah fan club in tonight.

I wasn't thinking that Oprah had that much of a fo...

Ohhh! Nooo!

It was one of those where...

You can say what you want about Tom, but don't go after Oprah.

That was the best reaction ever, wasn't it? It was, "Ha-ha... Oooh!"

Would you trust a man who'd been on three missions

which he said were impossible?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, points there go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.

APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called Wheel of Cruise - Marriage Impossible 3.

This game involves Milton and Ava.

So if you could both make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop,

our performer must talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

Let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is animals. Who wants to come in on that? Ava.

I'm not a massive animal lover.

I recently found out that I had a mouse in my flat.

Don't look at me like that, I'm not dirty.

So I called this guy from Rentokil and he comes along,

and there's something weird about this.

They don't tell you anything that comforts you.

So this guy goes to me, "What we're going to have to do

"is block all the holes in your flat,

"cos I don't know if you know this,

"but a mouse can collapse its vertebrae

"and squeeze through the hole the size of a pencil."

And I was like, "Jeez! If you have to collapse your vertebrae

"in order to get in somewhere, perhaps you just shouldn't be there."

I mean, it's a bit extreme.

So I was like, "I will not stay in a house that has got mice in it."

So I moved to my friend's house, but before I went,

this guy tells me to leave my TV on,

because the mice might hear it and think that people are actually there.

And then, as I was staying at my friend's house, it was past midnight,

I was on the sofa, I couldn't sleep and I started getting really angry.

And I thought, "Here I am in someone else's house

"and that creature is back in my flat,

"probably sitting on the sofa watching Rastamouse."

But I did eventually get rid of them, which was great,

because it was the worst thing that could happen to me,

cos I hate mice so much,

I only ever wear make-up that's tested on animals.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, that leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is nationality.

If you're addicted to meths,

you're either an alcoholic

or a South African with a real love of numbers.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got a friend who got caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia.

Fortunately, he'd stolen a prosthetic hand.

Unfortunately, it was a second offence.

So, I'm in France,

and I saw this little old lady knitting in the town square,

I said, "Voulez-vous crochet avec moi?"

I used to teach English in Germany.

First day, I taught them everything beginning with A,

second day, everything beginning with B...

D-Day was a bit tricky.

So, I'm in a disco in Tehran...

LAUGHTER

All these women dancing round a handbag, singing,

"Iranian men, hallelujah!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Recently, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I'd phoned Dial-A-Llama.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. The points there go to Milton.

Thank you very much. You can both come back.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Mark, which category would you like?

-Sport.

-Sport, it is.

The answer is 100. What is the question?

Is it how many metres behind Usain Bolt

will any British sprinter finish?

Is it, if I've told you once, how many times have I told you?

Is it how many cocktail sticks do you have to glue to a mouse

to make it into a hedgehog?

Is it how many years of hurt will we have to sing about

if we ever re-release Three Lions?

Is it how many days of rain fell in June?

How many miles did The Proclaimers walk

before they realised that girl was being a bit high-maintenance?

Is it how many Sugababes have there been?

Is it what do three baby eagles look like

when only one of them has hatched?

Is it after Jay-Z's girlfriend first heard the song

where he refers to her as a bitch, how many problems did he then have?

Is it how many years is it

since my grandfather launched the first motorised iceberg?

What do you mean? Too soon, is it, too soon?

That can't be off. It can't be off the menu now, for God's sake!

Did you not know Oprah Winfrey was on the Titanic?

That's what actually sank it.

Ohhh! A perfect storm of horror.

APPLAUSE

Is it what percentage of the Conservative Party

think Fifty Shades Of Grey is about John Major?

It's about the Olympic budget, isn't it?

-It is about the Olympic budget.

-And it's how many percent is the Olympic budget over-budget?

Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh.

APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

by what percentage is London 2012 expected to be over-budget?

This is news that the sports-related costs of the upcoming Games

are predicted to reach £8.4 billion,

double the original estimate of 4.2 billion.

A study by Oxford University found that the London Games is

due to be the most over-budget Olympics since Atlanta '96

and the most expensive Games ever.

That is quite alarming. After the Atlanta one,

it had been so expensive, they just sank the whole place under water.

No-one's surprised it's gone over budget, are they?

If you want to build something efficiently and cheaply,

you don't want to do it in East London.

"Oh, that appears to be a lovely Olympic Stadium you are building.

"What a shame if something were to happen to it."

"Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

"Your velodrome appears to have gone missing overnight."

LAUGHTER

What a slur on East London!

APPLAUSE

Every week, Sarah Beeny said, "You haven't budgeted enough."

Were people not paying attention as Sarah was increasingly pregnant,

not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant.

But always very clear on the budgeting issue.

What would Sarah do? That's exactly what you have to ask yourself.

She'd say, "Row back on the fixtures and fittings. Gold-plated medals..."

Eight lanes?! Who needs eight lanes? The guy on the outside never wins.

Also, you don't need all those seats cos hardly anyone can get a sodding ticket.

Oh, stop whining, it was a computer-driven lottery.

There is no... You weren't singled out, Mark.

The computer did not go, "Hmm, Mark Watson? Do not like."

"I'll exclude you from it."

That's something of a disingenuous joke

cos I'm actually going to three events.

You were playing them like a violin.

-What are you going to see?

-Boxing! Take that!

Boxing, which obviously is close to my heart.

I am going... I got pretty sweet tickets. Pretty sweet tickets.

I'm going to the water polo round two matches.

Oh, yes!

Ah, thank you!

Kazakhstan versus either Australia or Austria, I can't work out.

I would have thought Kazakhstan versus Australia...

-in, what was it, water polo?

-Water polo.

I think it's fairly clear Australia will it.

-There's not much point in going.

-You don't know that. Water polo...

-Kazakhstan...

-When you have a central Asian landlocked country...

-Yeah, exactly.

-..versus people who live by the beach.

Yeah, but people who live by the beach don't use swimming pools

as much as the people who are landlocked.

-Aha-ha, ha-ha, ha!

-They do.

People who are landlocked don't have the beach. All they have is pools.

It's not that different.

Australia don't need someone to put a Great White in

before they'll feel at home.

There is no water in Kazakhstan.

There's no... How do you think the people...?

There's rain in Kazakhstan.

They go, "Oh, rain, let us practise."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Look, a big puddle!"

It's not easy being a Kazakhstan fan.

Give me a K! Oh, please not this!

Maybe a Z or possibly a H after that, I'm not sure.

I'm going to do this phonetically...

Give me a Ka!

-Give me an atlas!

-Give me a Zak!

Give me a Hstan!

In other news, by the way,

my favourite story during the week of the procession of the torch,

the endless procession of the torch, is Jill Makinson-Sanders,

who's the mayor of a town called Louth in Lincolnshire,

who decided, as the torch was passing through her town,

to dress up as one of the local products of Louth in Lincolnshire.

Louth, apparently, is famous for its sausages.

Here's how she decided to dress up to welcome the torch.

And she ran alongside the torch,

ran alongside it as a giant penis!

Down the streets...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Looks like you!

-It does not look like me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's nothing like...

My arms do not start above my chin, like that.

I love that. The 100th programme and the first time

we've been heckled by the audience.

-You look like a penis sausage!

-You look like a giant penis.

Do you want to... You probably can do some clever directorial thing,

just to disprove the fact that I look, you know...

Can it be done?

Just to scotch the rumour

that I look anything like a six-foot-tall penis sausage.

Is this why you weren't allowed in to use the bank account -

cos of your passport photo?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just to stop this once and for all, I look nothing like the...

HUGH: Oh, look. There.

Nothing like that.

Hold your cards up.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Mark, Ava and Andy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics

and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Due to Mock The Week overrunning...

..footage from Centre Court has been cancelled.

APPLAUSE

It's out again.

Bigger shorts - that's what he needs.

Well, that is an incredibly strong backhand,

but he did tell the ball boy he wanted the water ice-cold.

Welcome to Centre Court. They've just closed the roof.

It's a lot lower than we thought.

There appears to be a lot of grunting in this women's match.

And if the man at the back doesn't stop it,

we're going to have to ask him to leave.

So, that rain delay, slightly longer than we were hoping.

It's now mid-August.

So, Venus and Serena, the old rivals meet again,

and it's the eternal question - which one would you do?

So, 15-40 -

the last time someone British won here.

And it's the Russian favourite Novockin Chintz

against the British number three Absolutely Novockin Chintz.

Well, he's very lucky to get to love-40.

I've only loved five and I had to pay three of them.

Of course, they start training tennis umpires at a very young age,

and there they are, sitting in their high chairs...

shouting, "Deuce, deuce."

And play has been interrupted as two players have walked onto the court,

saying they've got it booked from four, and it's now five past.

And if we have a look at his follow-through,

we can see he shouldn't have worn white shorts.

The doubles have proved great entertainment today.

I've had ten of them and let me tell you,

Sue Barker is looking absolutely gorgeous.

OK, the next topic is

Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Consumer Programme.

On Watchdog tonight, Anne Robinson has had a seizure,

but you won't be able to tell.

"Dear Watchdog, these sausages are inedible.

"I don't know what it is. They look like someone off the telly."

The patio had been badly laid and three weeks later,

the body popped up again.

My loft has recently been converted.

It is now Muslim and won't let me in unless I take my shoes off.

You can invest your money in a high-interest ISA,

or you can blow the lot on cocaine.

Come on, man, you used to be fun! What's wrong with you?

Tonight, we're investigating United Dairies, R Whites and Cadburys,

in a feature we're calling Milk, Milk, Lemonade,

Round The Corner, Chocolate's Made.

Where are the best places to watch other people having sex?

We'll find out tonight on Watchdogging.

And the moral of the story - even if it is called crazy golf,

don't have your willy out. Goodnight.

This secret camera we're using is really, really tiny,

which is lucky,

because that rogue builder is about to shove it up my arse.

He paid for the house to be pebble-dashed,

but the technique wasn't quite what he was expecting.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week,

but now I've eaten half my kitchen.

We tested this dishwasher against this dishwasher,

and the Filipino was better.

Not only would the toilet not flush, but I am now banned from IKEA.

If it sounds too good to be true and it looks too good to be true,

then it's magic.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Mark Watson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, that's it for this week, but as this is our 100th show,

we're going to leave you with some of our favourite moments

from the previous 99.

We'll see you next week. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.

There's just a small note from the desk that I get in my ear.

Frankie, Hugh, if we can have stuff which we actually can broadcast.

Nobody mentioned that!

I think that should be the anti-speeding advert.

It should be footage of Richard Hammond

trying to remember his own wedding day.

AUDIENCE GROANS

She was wearing black?

Or was it red?

Am I married?

Not even an oblique reference to it, let alone...

There's a line in the sand,

and you can't even see the line in the sand.

I need an action replay over here. There was a lovely moment.

I just remembered something.

Show them what you did, it was fantastic. You went...

-And then went like that...

-Did I really?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I do that kind of thing the whole time. That's entirely me.

Do it again.

Do you think I look like Pierce Brosnan with a mouthful of sweets?

-I tell you who doesn't hate Konnie Huq, eh, Dara?

-She's a good girl.

Don't mess with the Huq.

Hang on, what does that mean? Do you fancy her?

RUSSELL TALKS OVER HIM

Well, kids' TV kind of thing, and I quite like...

-She's getting dissed at the moment.

-Right. So you do, then?

-Yeah.

-I'm just saying she's good.

-He loves her, he loves her.

-ANDY:

-Look at him squirm!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Two largest financial institutions in America

are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac,

shorthand for the Federal National Mortgage Corporation

and Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation.

When I heard the headline "Fannie Mae Collapse",

I thought Kerry Katona was pregnant again.

I used to farm cats, and let me tell you,

their eggs don't taste nearly as chocolatey as they look.

Miss Fat Ankle, 2006.

Did you hear the woman?

She went, "I put a curse on you. I put a curse on you!"

-She didn't.

-They're always giving it the curse.

-She didn't!

The minute it kicks off, "I put a curse on you."

"I saw you coming through me crystal ball, so I did."

Everybody watching this has got their remote, going, "There's something wrong with the sound."

The way you three, particularly, are like that - they look like the evolution of man.

We should be walking like that...

Turn that way.

I think the question everyone wants is, get your foot out, Adam.

Adam, have you ever put beer in your foot and drunk out of it?

Yes.

Thank you, Adam, for what could have descended into freak-show territory,

but you held it together with an enormous amount of dignity,

as we basically said,

"Show us the weird thing. Show us the weird thing now!"

Your head is absolutely enormous.

n fact, on a normal-size head, that would be a full head of hair.

You're supposed to have a flu buddy.

You pair up with somebody

and they'll deliver the injection to you, if needs be.

Exactly, but my mates would just pop a bit of Viagra in,

"Here you are, you're going to die, have some doughnuts, have some fun."

Put them on yourself. See how many you can get.

Doughnuts? With Viagra? What the hell are you doing, man?!

So I'll be there. I'm nearly dying and I'm flinging them gently on me.

Ring doughnuts, not jam doughnuts.

-Yeah, I'm not a beast!

-Yeah, but where's he putting them?

I'm doing it like that.

Why?

Because I'm nearly dead, Frankie. Can I not have some fun?

Find a woman, leave the pastries alone!

Fuck off!

It's not going to be worth it now, is it?

BUZZER

Dara O Briain - we work, so he doesn't have to.

-RUSSELL: Everyone clap, it'll be amazing.

-No, no, no.

Keep it rolling!

Yes!

Whoa! What a moment!