Health Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, our next round is called - If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

For each category I read out an answer and the players guess

what the question might be.

-Gina, which category would you like?

-Health.

You want to go for Health. OK, the category is Health.

The answer is...

What is the question?

In an NHS hospital,

what are your chances of having the wrong leg amputated?

Is it England players always claim to give 110% on the pitch...

How much do they ACTUALLY give?

Is it how many car journeys does George Michael actually complete?

APPLAUSE

Is it, what is the proportion of my penis that is medically safe

for a woman to accommodate?

Is it how much of what Ed just said is bullshit?

Do you know what, if only 24% of it was bullshit,

I'm still doing pretty well!

Looking at the maths behind that.

I would love Dara to go, "Yes, that is the right answer!"

And just a picture of Ed appears like that.

I love the notion of a woman "accommodating" your penis.

I didn't want to be vulgar.

Does that mean that there's a wee welcome mat at the front?

I've never called it a welcome mat before, but yeah...

"Yes, we have vacancies."

My favourite ever interruption -

"We've got to stop this penis thing, please."

-Number one interruption there.

-Is that the answer?

It's "please" I'm particularly fond of. "Please!"

Actually, interestingly, it is a question about super-sizing,

but not quite the way Ed...

Oh, is it to do with how many people in this country are obese?

Is it how many children are obese?

No, it's actually how many people are obese, yes.

The question I was looking for, any guesses?

Is it what percentage of people in Great Britain are obese?

-I just... That's exactly what I said.

-You said how many.

It's technically not a percentage and I believe...

..an ex-graduate here will support me in that.

Yes, yes, indeed.

No, hang on, if I may. If you said what is the percentage, then the answer would simply be 24.

-Yeah, thanks Ed.

-How many? 24%

-Listen to him...

-I think you'll find...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

APPLAUSE

And now...show him your cock, Ed.

I'll beat him over the head with it!

You know, with his little movement and your cock,

you two could take over the world, yeah.

LAUGHTER

"Please, please!"

"Keep it vaguely topical! Anything about the news, please!"

The question I was looking for is -

according to a Department of Health survey,

what percentage of adults in the UK are clinically obese?

-Shocking, isn't it?

-It is shocking.

This is from a recent survey that claims 24% of UK adults are seriously overweight,

making this country officially the fattest in Europe!

CHEERING

That wasn't the reaction the Government wanted for that particular statistic.

It's like Caroline Flint.

The Health Minister said this week that overweight people

need lessons in how to eat fruit.

Which is... Just would be a great video, of just a fat man with a banana,

"Meh, why won't you help me, Tony Blair?"

It's just ridiculous.

Why has strike action been called, by the way?

-This is to do with the pensions.

-It's to do with pensions, yes.

Apparently, one in five people alive today are going to live to 100.

That's how bad this situation is.

One in five people... I'm not happy about that at all,

and you think, "I'm in my late 30s and I already fart when I cough," so I'm not...

I'm not happy about that.

-I'm very grateful you've not got a tickly throat at the moment.

-I haven't got a tickly...

In other news, what has been discovered this week about man flu?

It exists, apparently.

It does exist. In what way does it exist?

In the way that men get na-a-a-agh!

That sort of way.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Never mind, never mind, she's on her period.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, you can clap,

she's just coughed and I've still got to sit here!

No, apparently man flu does exist, but apparently women are better

at fighting off the viruses, because we've got stronger sex hormones.

That's official. That's official.

No, it's stronger immune systems, I'm not sure if that's...

-Sorry.

-I don't think they're quite the same thing.

I got confused with me Grazia magazine, sorry.

They've got so much more to do as well, women,

there's the cooking, the cleaning and everything.

They can't be going down with the flu. Who's going to do the dinner?

Yes, women just don't get as many colds as men do.

It's the same effect but they don't get as many colds because their immune system is much stronger.

The problem for men, essentially, is that when you are ill,

no-one believes that you are.

So there's a whole opportunity for the drugs industry,

you need drugs that make you look iller.

Lemsip Max - INCREASES the symptoms of flu.

Women live five years longer on average than men.

Women do live five years longer AND they get to stop work

-five years earlier as well, which is the other thing.

-Not for long.

You'll be laying in a coffin and she's like,

"He ain't really dead, no. He's just putting it on.

"Look at him laying in there, all pasty and dead."

"It's cos I mentioned the garden shed needed mending,

"that's what it is."

Was your grandfather's funeral particularly traumatic?

Yeah, we couldn't get out of the turning.

It's funny you should say all that...

I've got vicious pins and needles.

I genuinely have. Oh, God, I'm in genuinely real trouble.

Thank God you're not in Romania,

there wouldn't be a doctor for miles!

That really hurts.

Is this the sort of British sportsman we've come to expect?

-I've really hurt my leg.

-You're the youngest, Russell.

Russell, you're ten, fifteen years fitter than any of us here

and you're the one whose legs have both fallen asleep

from sitting in a chair.

Right, Health.

I actually don't have that good a relationship with my GP.

For one reason, and one reason only, up until the age of 17,

my GP had me on their records as a woman.

LAUGHTER

But yeah, they had me on their records as Miss N Caton.

And then one day they sent me a letter in the post addressed to a Miss N Caton.

Now, because I'm 17, I don't really pay attention to the detail.

I open the letter and the letter says,

"Dear Miss N Caton, your doctor's surgery would like to invite you

"to attend a cervical screening, next Monday at nine."

Now this is where I messed up, right.

See, at 17, I knew what cervical was, that's obvious, right,

but what I didn't know was that there's more than one meaning for the word "screening".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought screening was like, you know, you're screening a film.

So, when it said "We would like to invite you to attend

"a cervical screening,"

in my ignorant, naive, 17-year-old brain, I honestly thought

I was being invited to watch a movie about women's genitalia, right.

Now I'm 17, I'm horny, I'm a virgin, am I going to go?

You're damn right I am.

So the next Monday morning, I go to my GP, I get to the reception,

it's full of women, doesn't put me off, right.

Walk up to the receptionist, I go, "Hey, how are you doing?

"I'm Nathan Caton, I'm here for the cervical screening."

She looks up, sees me standing there

with nachos, popcorn and pick 'n' mix...

..starts laughing in my face.

Thank you.

What did 3,986 people in Britain have removed last year?

-Oh, is this man boobs?

-Yeah.

-No, it's not man boobs, no.

-Oh, I thought this was...

-Is it fat? It was...

It was fat. Yes, it was fat.

That's the amount of people who chose to have liposuction -

almost 4,000 people in the last year chose to have liposuction.

The thing I love about liposuction, you always see them,

you know in Bella magazine, those magazines you see in the doctor's,

it's always that - "My horror plastic surgery story" - it's always that.

"I went in for a tummy tuck and came out with a bum for a face."

-Like that.

-Don't you think it's a bit odd, though, that men...

I mean, it surprised me that so many men did it.

-It was about 5% of these people were blokes.

-Moobs, yes.

That really surprised me, cos I would have thought a major difference between the sexes

is that women are generally worried about how they look and men...

Even the Elephant Man probably woke up in the morning,

looked in the mirror and went, "Yeah, looking good."

I mean, it doesn't happen, you know, you go...

No. In fairness he went, "Yeah. Looking good. Killer!"

"I'm no looker, but I'm funny."

Having your man boobs done is a very sort of decadent kind of stage to get to though, isn't it?

That's why when I had mine done,

I donated them to an African transsexual.

Very kind of you.

The man boobs statistic, just to tell you, there are 90,000 instances

of cosmetic plastic surgery that go on during the year.

There are 177 moobs, right.

These statistics, though, they all come, don't they,

from the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons.

Now, given their major thing is to do with breast surgery,

isn't it brilliant that the abbreviation for them is BAPS?

That is fantastic, isn't it?

The one I really wouldn't have is Botox.

I can't see the point of that.

And it also scares me, because if you get paralysed, your face gets paralysed

and if it gets paralysed at the wrong moment, if you go,

"So I'm not meant to smile?" What happens? What do you do?

If, for example, the wind should change?

The statistics up for this week were that

all types of cosmetic surgery went up except for one.

It is difficult to do the show while your face is stuck like that.

-Is there any chance you could now stop miming Botox?

-Yeah.

The only type of cosmetic procedure that's become less popular

are having your ears corrected.

Apparently getting this, the things pinned back,

suddenly no-one wants to do that any more.

-I've had that.

-Have you had that done?

Yes. I was born with what they call "bat ears."

-Nice of them, and I had them done.

-That's superpowers, isn't it?

And the reason that my ear lobes are so incredibly weird

was that the stitches fell out and the surgeon said,

"Oh, you know, I'll have you back in and I'll redo that."

And he then died.

But you got the last laugh then.

Do you navigate your way around by radar?

Thanks for helping with the pain, Hugh(!)

You have to be careful, Hugh.

Hugh has to be careful because this week I discovered..

I don't know if you know what slash fiction is,

but it's basically gay fiction on the internet where they have

people like, you know, Captain Kirk and Spock shagging each other.

And there's one of me and Hugh.

I don't know why you're doing that, Hugh, because you're the receiver.

I'm just trying to make it easier for you.

And the most offensive part of it is

when they describe my pubes as being ginger.

We spin the wheel and when it stops anyone can step forward

and try to make us laugh about the subject it's landed on.

The winner is the team I judge to have been able to walk like a human being.

And not skip or canter, or...

-Here we go.

-Just put your foot out.

-Oh, cheers.

Stretch it, come on, stretch it.

-What are you doing with me?

-That should do it.

Yeah. If I ever get famous, this photo's going to get taken

and there's going to be a caption near it.

"Man gets bummed by ghost while two people help."

Why has this man been causing controversy this week?

Well, he had a baby, that man.

You can see quite clearly that he's slightly pregnant.

He became more pregnant and then, ultimately, he had a baby,

and normally when you say, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

it refers to the baby and not the mother.

Yes, this is the story of Thomas Beatie, known as The Pregnant Man.

He gave birth to a girl last week in Oregon.

Thomas was born Tracy and underwent a gender reassignment operation

and is now legally male.

"Good news, you've had a healthy baby.

"Bad news, you've blown your cock off."

LAUGHTER

-That's actually...

-That's actually good news.

That's the main reason why Frankie will never be a doctor.

You've got to work on that bedside manner, that really has to...

Doctors rarely come in and go, "Good news, bad news."

It's going to be really tricky to raise the kid, I think,

cos it'll be like, "I want chocolate ice cream and strawberry ice cream."

"Well, you can't have both." "Really, Mummy?"

-But gender reassignment, is that right?

-That's what it's called.

It sounds like witness relocation for your genitals, doesn't it?

It would be a very severe form of witness relocation.

It sounds like you're being reassigned, it doesn't sound like you've made a choice.

It comes through the post and you go, "Oh, dear - I thought it was a BT bill,

"I'm going to be a woman from next Tuesday."

Apparently, there's been a mix-up in the National Audit Office and...

I've been reassigned a gender!

"Sorry about that, darling."

I'll bet you any money anyone who went up to him didn't chat about the bump.

You'd find any other topic, you'd get so embarrassed.

"So, do you like...Twixes?" Like that.

I saw a woman breast-feeding on the Tube...

-It's awkward, isn't it, what d'you do?

-It was beyond awkward, cos she...

How was it awkward?

I'll explain to you, Dara, if you'd let me finish.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I think... And I think I can prove to you

with this next sentence why it was awkward, all right?

-Were you wearing a monocle?

-She was breast-feeding the child with her breast.

-The child was suckling.

-A very good way of doing it, yes.

On the Tube. That is not awkward.

What was awkward, Dara, is that she also had her other breast out.

Now, I don't know, but I feel that you breast one at a time.

You don't leave the other one just hanging out.

Maybe she had twins and she didn't realise she'd lost one of them.

You mean one of the twins may still be on the Jubilee line

and she'd changed at Green Park and then she went, "Oh, hello."

Come on, one for the baby, one for the carriage, ladies.

It's what I've been trying to persuade them to do for years.

I guess cos you breast-feed and then if you have to change breasts,

I think you put the breast back in.

But to leave the breast hanging and just to be sitting there. I mean, at least she had a child.

I mean, she could have just been sitting there with her tits hanging out.

And the topic is Health.

My sister's got hay fever.

Now she's got diabetes, so I tried to cheer her up, you know,

flowers, chocolates.

About a month before he died, my grandfather...

We covered his back with lard.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

LAUGHTER

I recently had bird flu, but it's all relative, isn't it?

You know, if I had rabies and you offered me bird flu,

I'd bite your hand off.

Last summer I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation.

But the hosepipe ban hit us hard, actually.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Why has health and safety been in the news this week?

-Cos Cameron says he's going to get rid of it.

-Yes.

-Which came a little bit too late for BP.

-Yeah.

It's a stupid thing to do, to try and get rid of health and safety,

because, essentially, we have evolved ourselves

out of a position where we have any natural predators.

The only natural predators humans have are ourselves and peanuts.

And we're doing the best, because we're... Because we're stupid.

Health and safety is getting in the way of evolution.

10,000 people last year in this country were admitted to A&E

having injured themselves putting their trousers on, right.

They're not firing themselves out of cannons into their trousers,

they caught themselves in the zip, which is hideous, yes,

but at least they can't breed any more.

That is evolution and health and safety will stop that.

Imagine making that phone call, though.

"Ooh, I caught my dick in my trousers.

"And I want to sue."

"My trousers!"

My old teacher's mate was testing some reinforced concrete, cage...

You know, reinforced concrete is cages with concrete covering it,

and they show you the cage out the back.

And he jumped off backwards, being a bit of a lad,

and split up the front of himself and didn't notice

until a couple of seconds later when his bollocks fell out of his jeans.

AUDIENCE GROANS

He drove himself to hospital, right,

holding his balls...in one hand

and putting them on his lap to change gear!

-He got to the A&E...

-Oh, God!

And the woman said, "How can I help you?" And he went...

I bet there was somebody sat in A&E just eating a Scotch egg, like that.

APPLAUSE

I bet there was somebody in the A&E with a slightly hurt elbow going,

"I'm going to be longer than I thought now.

"I've been moved down by Mr 'Here are my balls.' "

There was an incredible story about... Well, it's not incredible,

but about health and safety,

that trainee hairdressers aren't allowed scissors.

Which is pretty... Imagine that.

What are they going to do, just use their teeth?

-Or sandpaper.

-"This is Sandra, she's going to chew your perm out."

Who is... Who's going to step in and save the health service, then?

-Richard Branson.

-Yes, that's it.

With Virgin surgeries.

He's moving into health on the basis that if you run a coach

-and a train company, you're going to understand waiting lists.

-Yes.

How can you trust anything that Richard Branson does?

What sort of arsehole tries to fly around the world in a balloon,

when he owns a bloody airline?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But also it's going to be exactly like Virgin Trains.

They'll go, "Oh, you can't see the doctor, but we do have a replacement coach driver

"if you'd like to speak to him."

He's got, now... He's got a thing now where people can pay

a million dollars to travel into space with him.

I'd pay three grand just not to be stuck in a lift with the arse.

I don't think it's with him, it's with his company. I don't think...

-No, he's going up as well.

-On every flight?

Apparently, Stephen Hawking has agreed to be on it,

or maybe Branson just turned his volume down.

"You want to go, don't you?" "Oh, yes."

Branson treated Stephen Hawking like a ventriloquist's doll, did he?

"Oh, I want to go on a plane, I want to go on a plane.

"Don't put me back in the box. Don't put me back in the box!"

It's amazing, isn't it, what they can do with medicine these days.

It's like that woman last week who gave birth to a...

She was 67 years old.

And you're thinking, you don't really want to be a kid there struggling to walk,

finding out that your parents are in exactly the same condition.

It's not going to be a struggle pushing it out at 67 though, is it?

That baby's...

That baby's going to have spent the last three months bungee jumping.

I've got cramp, man, it's just... Sorry, it's really...

You've managed to get a sports injury

in the first 20 minutes of the show?

-Sorry.

-Morris dance it off, Russell.

-I can't, mate.

-You've got to lie down, I'll do the...

-Leave me alone!

Get down, get down!

I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry!

I hope somebody's videoing this for a gay website.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's really telling that the two guests on the show ran to help,

while the regulars all sat here, on our fat holes, going,

-"Ah, he'll bounce back."

-I'm sorry about that.

The next topic is Health.

Phew, that was a long walk.

OK, Health.

Money. Money-wise I'm set for life provided I die next Tuesday.

Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

Just because I have arthritis, doesn't mean I can't live a normal...

Oh.

I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, but you know what they say.

HE MOUTHS

Unfortunately for agoraphobics, the cure is just around the corner.

My manic-depressive buddy was attacked by a bipolar bear.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

My neighbour's in the Guinness Book of Records,

he's had 43 concussions. He lives very close,

in fact, just a stone's throw away, but the point is...

To your health, my friends.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who here has a personal trainer?

-I haven't!

-Why are you looking at me? Why?

-Do you have a personal trainer?

-I have, in the past, employed the services of people to...

-And did it work?

-Yes, it worked very well, actually, to be honest.

I am the very model of physical fitness.

It is astonishing.

I often do an act on stage where I just go,

# Dun, dun dun, dun dun... #

And I just move my breasts and my back around.

I seem to remember you once telling me

that you have an exercise bike and a ski walker in your kitchen,

and that once you've used the exercise bike for more than 25 minutes,

your balls go numb and you have to crack one off...

..to restore feeling.

I was... I was also privy to that conversation.

Can I...? Can I qualify this, right?

You actually said... He actually said "tug".

The seat is very large for a bicycle, right.

It's a big, heavy seat.

And 15 to 20 minutes in, it cuts off blood flow to the genitals,

and I have to fluff...just a bit,

just to get things kind of just circulating.

I don't actually finish off.

Can I just ask you -

what is the personal trainer doing while you're up to this?

I think I'd watch more sport if this was involved. The triathlon, yeah!

I think we owe it to ourselves to turn that into a fitness video,

where Dara's working out for 20 minutes

and he just looks at the screen and goes, "Back in five," and then...

When you've finished, like, 30 minutes of cardio, go,

"Hey, you're looking good out there, why don't you reward yourself? Go on."

Every 30 minutes in your video it just breaks into porn.

OK, the next topic is...

Unlikely Things To Hear In A Maternity Ward.

Mr Parsons, your baby looks exactly like you.

But mind you, so does every other baby.

There are complications, I'm afraid. For a start, I'm not a doctor.

I definitely can see the head. You should do your flies up, doctor.

Bad news, I'm afraid. He's ginger.

Your Highness. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, would you like to hold the little fella?

Or shall I give you the baby?

Mrs Jones, I'm going to need you to push, and then when we've got

the ambulance started, we'll try and get you to hospital.

Oh, God, is that my baby? I've given birth to Andy Parsons.

I'd stay up that end and talk to your wife if I were you, Mr Smith,

it looks like Alien Versus Predator down here.

And this is the ward for unwanted twins.

We call it the Jed-Ward.

Basically you just turn them over and slap them on the arse.

These nurses' parties are great.

Nice to see you again, Mrs Jolie,

if you'd like to just move along to the next window to collect your order.

Oh, this isn't your first baby, is it?!

LAUGHTER

You have a bouncing baby boy.

I know that because I dropped him in the delivery room.

OK, big breath, big breath in, hold it, hold it,

and pass the joint to the midwife.

If you're not in when we deliver your baby,

is it OK if we leave it with a neighbour?

No, no, I do like it, darling, just not in that colour.

I know, I know you're in great pain, but we need to know your name.

Right. Doctor for Mrs Fuck-Off.

The next topic is

Unnerving Things To Hear During A Medical Examination.

Yes, I'll be operating.

Oh, there you are.

SHOUTS: Oh, my God! Come here, you've got to look at this!

That's your smear test done, and I do have some bad news,

I'm the janitor.

Yes, well, it's definitely stuck up there.

We may... We may have to use the ferret.

So if you'd like to just pop your clothes over there, next to mine.

You'll live...for about a week.

Well, there's good news and bad news, but don't worry,

I can give the good news to your widow.

Don't worry, panic over, it was just a spider on the microscope.

And how does it feel if I touch you here?

And here?

And there?

These drugs don't actually work, but every time I prescribe them

I get a free pen!

No, no, no, no. You can't have your old hip back, Mrs Smith.

I fed it to my dog.

This is one of the healthiest X-rays I've ever seen.

But if we compare that with yours, huh!

Right, I thought for a change...

-I

-could cough and you could hold

-MY

-balls.

You have the body of someone half your age...

growing inside your womb.

LAUGHTER

Well, there's good news, you've had a baby,

and the bad news, it's blown your cock off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd