Animals Mock the Week

Contains adult humour and some strong language from the start

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called Headliners.

Here is a picture of the spectacular opening to the Olympic Games.

But what does BGMC stand for?

Is it - British Gas Managers Celebrate?

Is it - British Games Much Crapper?

Is it - Bottled Gas Meets Cigarette?

Is it - Badgers Grenade Mouse Compound?

That's a very large mouse compound, isn't it?

I didn't know that mice were capable of that

and it's all gone to nothing, because of the badgers' attack.

I didn't know that badgers were capable of that.

That's appalling, they grenaded it, for God's sake.

-This is an escalation.

-The thing is, Dara, you anger a badger, it will do anything.

I saw a pensioner punch a badger in the face. Within seconds, no skin.

Things like that, but I mean the badger

sourcing grenades is particularly impressive.

I'll be honest with you, it was a joke, right.

-I'm now being held accountable for some...

-I'm going to get this straight,

you anger a badger to make it do anything?

Because for years, I've been playing them Barry White and...

We once had a badger run over outside the house.

-You had him run over?

-No, no, no...

-What kind of...

-There was a badger...

-What kind of butler have you got?

-A badger, a badger was...

Have him run over for me.

We shall sit in a throne and watch this. Ha, ha, ha.

You're like the Godfather of the vermin world.

A badger was run over outside the house

and my parents were staying, and this badger obviously had to be

killed, put down, to put it out of its pain.

And all my father could find was a big stick. So he went outside

and he had to hit the badger repeatedly with this big stick.

And this is remembered by my son, because it was explained to him

like this, as the time Granddad made the badger better with the stick.

LAUGHTER

Are you sure that's actually what happened?

The badger, the poor, the badger has been run over

and then this old guy comes up and tries to finish it off with a stick.

It absolutely, it freaks my dad out, actually, thinking about it.

-It's horrible.

-Your dad gets badger flash-backs. No, no, no!

Just in black and white, white and black and black and white.

And then red! Black, white and red all over.

Turn off Wind In The Willows. Turn off Wind In The Willows!

While we're here, has anyone been to Sedgemoor Splash?

-No. Is it good?

-Oh, it's great.

Well it's, like it's quite naff, but I did a gig in Bridgend,

we're in very different worlds, you and me, and I did this gig

and I went; oh I went to Sedgemoor Splash, it was good.

And this bloke went, "Good? It's the biggest flume in the west."

How good is that? That's pride I can relate to.

Don't go on there, that be the biggest flume in the west."

But I genuinely, because I couldn't find Wookey Hole,

that's why I went there, and I sort of wound the window down and go...

-Oh, but that's one of the biggest holes in the west.

-That's why I was going there.

I said, "Excuse me mate, do you know where Wookey Hole is?"

And he went, "Don't want to go there, mate, it's overrated,"

and just, kind of, wandered off, like that going...

LAUGHTER

If you ever get the chance, go to a safari park in Scotland,

because there's nothing quite like the look on the face of a lion

that's got to live in Scotland.

"Oh, this rainy season is going on forever."

It's like an animal version of the Shawshank Redemption.

I took my pal's wee boy, and he was about six, and it's just

horrible and at the end there's like a wee otter, and he's sort of making

a bit of noise and I was going, "Oh, look, he's saying hello to us."

And this park keeper came up and went, "No, he's pining for his mate.

"She died last week. That's him crying."

LAUGHTER

Well, let me merely say this, Borth Animalarium in West Wales,

just next to Aberystwyth, right,

is a zoo entirely composed of animals rejected by other zoos.

And they're all in segmented cages, and you can't put the pygmy

marmosets from, you know, one zoo next to the others,

because they will literally tear each other's heads off, right.

What technically is the difference between a zoo and an animalarium?

I think the other zoos ganged up and said,

"You may not call yourself a zoo, right.

"We will give you these animals that you can use,

"as long as you never, ever call yourselves a zoo."

I went to a bird zoo in Tunisia,

and there was no roofs on any of the cages and no fucking birds!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The genius is, that is entrepreneur, anyone could set that up, right.

I could do it in my back garden and go,

"Oh, well we don't believe in trapping the birds in."

What animal has caused tensions to arise within

the Conservative Party recently?

-Is it a cat?

-It was a cat, yes, it was a cat.

This is the cat with its owner, Camilo Soria and Frank Trew.

Any idea why Maya the cat was so important?

Yes, basically this was the whole idea that the judge had said

he could only stay in the country because he owned a cat.

He being Camilo Soria, the man on the left.

It turned out it was obviously a lie, and it's important that we

shatter that myth, otherwise, in fact, everybody coming into this

country will be trying to buy a cat, so as in fact they can stay here.

-Yes. Who told the lie?

-Theresa May.

-Theresa May, yes.

We have, in fact, ten million cats already in this country,

and they kill 300 million creatures a year,

including 55 million birds. They are evil bastards.

Cats do show a level of commitment, though.

When we had a cat when I was a kid, right,

this cat ate a ball of nylon string.

It was when it was about three years old, and the string

unravelled in its stomach and came out in its poo, right.

Which meant that whenever it poo'd,

it came out like a string of sausages.

I was very young, but all I can remember every morning is my

dad with a pair of scissors going...

MAKES CUTTING NOISES

It's going to go on for months. Just lifted it...

I'll just explain it, yeah, Camilo Soria is a Bolivian

who fought deportation after committing a crime, and...

He was up for deportation, partially because he stole from Debenhams.

And you think that's a bit unfair,

you can't get more British that stealing and looting.

-What did he steal?

-He stole a porcelain cat.

-He did.

One of those ones that can wave bye-bye to him.

As he left at the airport.

I used to farm cats, and let me tell you,

their eggs don't taste nearly as chocolaty as they look.

LAUGHTER

The answer is, "Chickens, Nurses and Rain." What is the question?

Is it - what does Heston Blumenthal put in a trifle?

LAUGHTER

Is it - name three things.

DELAYED LAUGHTER

Is it - what are the most used sound effects in the radio drama,

Monsoon Poultry Hospital?

LAUGHTER

"There's been another monsoon for the chickens!

"Why are all the actors Scottish in Monsoon Poultry Hospital?

"Doctor, doctor, I think this chicken is drowning."

Is it all the things that my gran says are stealing her money

when I go and visit her in the care home?

Is it...

OK, what's the correct answer?

Name three things you won't find in a chicken nugget.

Yeah. Is it...

OK, can I have the correct...

Is it - what are the opening stage directions in the television

drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital?

Chickens, nurses, rain, a man walks through the fog.

"So this is the hospital I'm working in now, is it?"

What was the name of Foghorn Leghorn's controversial

early career porn film?

I'm sorry, I want to do more chicken nurse hospital.

"Clear!" "Squawk" "Clear!" "Squawk" "Clear!" "Squawk" "We've lost him.

"We've lost him." Like that.

That's finishing off the chicken, at the end of it.

"Quick, quick, doctor, doctor, get me the baster!"

In other news, what might we be facing this winter?

-Winter.

-Yes. That is genuinely the big news this week.

Apparently, winter will be coming this winter

and we should watch out for that.

Because it might come as a huge surprise to people.

But they're worried about this lack of solar activity,

because they're saying the same last year, we had a very cold December,

coldest for 100 years, a lot of our airports were closed,

whilst in fact, the airports in Alaska and Moscow were still open.

So they're saying what we should get is a heated runway.

And you're thinking, environmentally that's got to be terrible,

but also it would be dangerous.

If they're worried about all those birds flying

up into the engines, think about it, a heated runway,

there'd be cats curled up all the way around.

-The other thing we used to do with my cat...

-Oh, Jesus!

It wasn't, wait until it had had a big shit and do some skipping?

But my parents used to take it for a walk,

they used to take it for a walk on a lead, on a 30-foot washing line.

-Is that what it swallowed?

-Yes.

I almost dread to ask this, where did they take him on a walk?

Oh, we took it everywhere, we took it on holiday.

It went up, it climbed Pen-y-ghent in the Yorkshire Dales.

This is, I mean don't forget, this is on the end of a line.

It wasn't as if it willingly went. Basically you're climbing

and dangling underneath you was the cat going, "Miaow, miaow!

Did you ever get to the point when there was a washing line

half into the cat and then half out? The cat had basically 15 metres of...

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the Royal Family.

AS THE QUEEN: Oh, I hate looking at houses.

THE OFFICIAL: Yes, well, hopefully this next property

will float your boat, Your Majesty.

It's difficult downsizing, but the owner may take an offer,

it's been on the market since 1584.

It's damp and it's got no roof.

AS PRINCE PHILIP: What a waste of a morning,

I could be shooting an osprey.

Did you know, by the way, you've got a meringue on your head?

Oh, look, look, there's a goat.

Oh, that makes me feel peckish. Where are we staying?

AS THE QUEEN: In the Premier Inn.

AS PRINCE PHILIP: Could you,

could you have that delivered to the Premier Inn?

Room 256. Oh, and a shedload of pitta bread. Thank you.

AS THE QUEEN: Where is Philip?

I think he's, where is he, I need to talk to him about the en-suite?

AS THE OFFICIAL: I think he may be

talking to a man about a goat, Your Majesty.

AS THE QUEEN: Oh, for God's sake, not again.

So anyway, tell me about this castle, does it have a dungeon?

We need somewhere to keep Fergie.

AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, yes they're bloody tasty,

slice them thinly, bit of chilli sauce.

The problem is catching them,

we have to drop on them from above, yes.

AS THE QUEEN: Are you banging on about goats again?

AS PRINCE PHILIP: No, what, who? Me?

No, not at all, no.

Do you like goats?

Oh, my God, there's another one, they're everywhere,

they're like, they're like Albanians. Yes.

AS THE QUEEN: Well, goodbye, everyone, sorry about my husband.

Do you like the property?

AS PRINCE PHILIP: I don't know, have you asked the question?

Go on, ask them the question, please.

AS THE QUEEN: Do I have to? Oh, all right.

Is it near a kebab shop?

Well done, Hugh.

APPLAUSE

None of us can claim complete cleanliness, in terms of tax

avoidance, particularly if you're self-employed, anyway,

because there are schemes that were picked out, film investment

schemes, for example, that a lot of people had put money into.

I myself, I'm afraid we just have these,

I'm part of a film investment scheme, I've put all my savings

into the big budget production of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.

I think that's very wise,

I think that's right. Well, you're involved, as well, I mean,

because I play the role of Morag the Nurse, in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.

APPLAUSE

I think we're going to make a lot of money back,

it's me and Hugh are involved, yeah.

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. It's "clucking brilliant", as well.

It's nice to know where the budget for this show goes.

I'm sure that's an Irish person appearing...

I want it noted, by the way, how well I look as a nurse.

It's surprisingly fitting. Big shoulders and...

You've got a hint of the Readers' Wives about you, there.

Do you know what, I'm delighted...

If you, if you turned up at my bed in a hospital,

I'd discharge myself straight away.

Listen, I have no doubt you'd discharge yourself, anyway.

Where was Gordon Brown for the weekend?

-Oh, he was in Italy for the G8.

-He was indeed in Italy for the G8.

-Oh, yes.

-That is not to be confused with the G20,

which is the group of 19 industrial nations and the EU.

Or the G45, which is a group of hypo-allergenic countries.

LAUGHTER

It's fantastic to see Gordon Brown looking

incredibly uncomfortable, as he met Berlusconi.

Berlusconi's, sort of, like an old-style fixer.

Isn't he, "you want pussy, Brown? You want pussy?

"You want some blow, you want blow?"

"No, I'm just here to talk about trade."

"You want a boy?

"I get you a boy, Brown. I get you a girl. I get you a boy/girl.

"Four arms, four legs, it's like making love to a man spider.

"You want me to get rid of Cameron? I get rid of Cameron, Brown.

"I make it look like suicide, like he fell in love with the man spider.

"I'm turning Spanish, that's how much I love you, Gordon, baby!"

He's just moved to Morocco, has he?

It looks like the world's first conjoined

quintuplets on their epic Everest climb.

That's what it looks like.

Brown looks like he's... Brown looks like he's got

Hannibal Lecter's leather mask on, doesn't he?

-He does.

-You couldn't Photoshop his face to look any weirder than that.

-No.

-That's how he actually looks.

Look at Angela Merkel's face, you look at it

and then Gordon Brown's face almost looks like he's been goosing

her and that's why she's pulling the face that she's pulling.

Hold on a minute, what's "goosing?"

-Goosing.

-You don't know what goosing is?

It's basically when you play with their Tatty Bojangles.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To be fair, nice intra-series reference there.

No, goosing is more, it's like a goose would peck you,

so it's basically "honk."

Has anyone had a goose feel them up, then?

-Is this a regular thing?

-Yeah, I've been...

-Hello, of course you have.

-I have been.

-Do you reckon, middle class upbringing.

There I was trying to smell boy's rooms

and a goose came from behind me.

I was bitten in the testicles by a goose.

-Well, hang on...

-So I'm not the only one?

Let's put the G8 to one side and explain that, then.

What happened?

I was by a pond...

LAUGHTER

My children were playing by the pond, they upset a goose,

they ran away, I didn't notice, the goose bit me in the testicles.

-Really hard.

-LAUGHTER

-What did you do afterwards?

-Kids love you, don't they?

-It was very funny.

-Did you get him back?

-What, the goose?

-Yeah.

-Well I'm not going to bite it in the testicles.

How do you get a goose back? Cook it. What do you do?

-Twat it.

-I think he had his comeuppance, to be honest with you.

I think, in the long run, you'd probably win.

In the long run, what with being human.

-Yes, by outliving the goose.

-All that kind of stuff.

When the goose is about to die, you turn up and go,

"Oh, hello, Mr Goose, we meet again.

"Who is the winner now?" The goose's head lolling.

To be honest, I'd have turned him into a doorstop if he'd bit my nads.

Like stretch him and put him across the floor like that.

You'd just make everybody cry, if you did that.

Nobody bites my balls, Dara. Nobody bites my balls.

You and his gang would have sorted them.

It's almost like people weren't that interested in the G8.

Five minutes into the discussion, Hugh's talking about a goose

and you're shouting, "Nobody bites my balls, Dara.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What has been revealed about elephants this week?

Elephants are like human beings, in that they flirt

and they have arguments.

-They flirt.

-Elephants flirt.

There are elephant chat-up lines and everything.

What, you can phone up and an elephant will bellow...?

-Not a chat line.

-..will bellow sweet messages down the phone?

Not an elephant... MIMICS ELEPHANT TRUMPETING

I think elephants are overprotected.

I mean it's easy for me to say, from my ivory tower.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It was worth it just to get to that joke.

OK, the next topic is Animals.

Frankie Boyle.

Have you heard this thing that the human female has exactly

the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan female?

It was news to me, I'll never wear a blindfold again.

LAUGHTER

They told me she was a Geordie.

LAUGHTER

Incidentally, there are only two ways to have sex

with an orang-utan - carefully,

and every which way but loose.

LAUGHTER

I hate pets, people with pets.

Having a pet is just basically saying -

I have tried to find love among my own species.

Is there anything sadder than seeing someone

with a dog picking up dog shit?

Well, it's maybe someone without a dog.

LAUGHTER

I don't know how long I could be a vet, before I got bored

and started shagging stuff.

APPALLED LAUGHTER

I'd shag an owl, because whatever position you took it from,

you could always get eye contact.

APPALLED LAUGHTER

Or shag a kitten, you know.

Could you imagine having sex with something that you actually

wanted to cuddle afterwards?

APPALLED LAUGHTER

Frankie, there, addressing the topic of animals.

How long ago were the Indians aware that they were going to have

to build the Commonwealth Games?

That is absolutely right, very good, well done.

Thank you very much.

Yes, the question I was looking for was -

how much time has Delhi had to prepare for the crisis

of the Commonwealth Games, which reports claim are still not ready?

The city won the right to host the Games in 2003, but the build-up

to the event has been plagued by fears that facilities and

accommodation might not be completed on time and to a safe standard.

So what's been going wrong?

Well, the ceiling of the weightlifting area collapsed.

I mean that's fantastic, isn't it, and there he is,

he's holding up 200 kilograms, and the roof!

That is, yes, yeah, yeah, that is one of them. Anything else, go?

People were making the distinction between filth and excrement.

That's not a reassuring distinction to make, is it?

Is that excrement my bed is bobbing around in?

No, don't worry, mate, that's just filth. Oh, fine, fine.

Wake me when it's time to swim to the venue.

What I think, though, for the Commonwealth Games,

this presents a unique opportunity for boxers. It'll be the one

and only time they can start off the competition as a heavyweight

and by the end of the competition be fighting as a featherweight.

That little bucket by the side of the ring is going to have

seen more action that they've ever expected before. No! No.

APPLAUSE

Do you know what they had to remove from one of the rooms

in the athlete's village?

-A snake.

-A snake, a cobra was in one of the bedrooms,

one of the South African's, and they said,

"I don't know why you're worried, we gave you a basket and a small horn.

"Play the horn and the cobra will go back into the basket."

A cobra! Like that's a...that's a valid safety complaint surely?

But it's a double whammy, as well, you get bitten by a cobra,

they give you an anti-venom and then they disqualify you for having

an illegal substance in your blood stream.

What animals have been brought in?

-Camels.

-No, not camels, no.

-Penguins.

-Not penguins.

Polar bears.

-No. Monkeys.

-Is it a narwhal?

It's not, stop naming random animals, right.

-Is it a muskrat?

-It's not a muskrat.

I've already said the word "monkeys" while you carried on naming things.

-Is it monkeys?

-It's monkeys, well done, yes.

It is monkeys. Trained monkeys have been brought in,

langur monkeys they're called, and what are they there to do?

-Moving sofas?

-Yeah.

-No.

-Sell T-shirts?

No, they're there to stop other monkeys getting into the games.

They're monkey bouncers?

They are...they're monkey bouncers, they've got a list of other monkeys.

Monkey bouncers. Your species isn't down, you're not coming in.

GRUNTS LIKE A MONKEY

And if you don't back away, I will fling shit at you, all right.

Because the plumbing is rubbish, they are there to test, in case

the baths are too hot, if they get in and they go - oooh, aaah...

MONKEY NOISES

It could be either, to be honest.

I was trying to think of what is the worst event, right,

to do if you've got the shits, right.

And I thought weightlifting, that has got to be the worst, hasn't it?

You know, you push up the whole idea

that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

On travel news,

or the greatest travel story of the week was Tina the tortoise.

Tina the tortoise lost a leg,

so they attached a rear wheel to the back of Tina's shell.

That's the tortoise equivalent of Davros, the Master of the Daleks.

When that tortoise comes to die, that's going to muck up

archaeologists in thousands of years' time, isn't it?

They'll be going, "We don't remember evolution producing this one."

But what happens if that tortoise is set upon

and someone steals the wheels and you find it up on bricks?

LAUGHTER

Do you think the hare is going to feel cheated?

He's not going to go for his nap now, is he?

Have they got the speed worked out?

Presumably the wheel could go faster than him.

He could just find himself in the wrong gear.

It's not a motorised wheel, it's a loose wheel.

-Is it a tortoise hot rod?

-It's not.

-It's also...

-He's not on...

He goes "nitro," and there's a big engine blast at the back.

-Argh! Little legs going like that.

-The thing is...

He's actually got a blue light underneath, as well.

Do you think he low jacks, as well, is going on?

Yeah, yeah, I'm Tina, yeah.

The thing is, what's his name? Is it Tina?

-Tina. Her name is Tina.

-Tina.

There's no way that Tina is going to be able

to hide from people she doesn't like,

because before, you could hide in your shell.

"Tina, we know it's you, you've got a wheel."

"All right Dave, how are you doing?" "Not bad."

It's a very, very complex social network that tortoises have,

-I didn't realise that.

-It is.

Every time the thing reverses, it's going to go, "Beep, beep."

To be honest, it's going to make

fuck all difference to that tortoise.

It doesn't know what's going on, it barely moves, anyway.

They're going to put it in a box at Christmas and it'll die.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, there you go.

It certainly can't see the back of it, can it?

Thank you, thank you Frankie,

for steam-rolling our gentle whimsy there.

For taking our sweet little commentary about Tina, and how this

has changed her life and just going -

Tina will die like the rest of us.

But tortoises don't hibernate, they live to one.

Basically, is what I've discovered.

-Really?

-Well I'm just going by Blue Peter. They've actually...

No, they don't, there was, I remember reading a story,

-they live for years.

-Not the ones that Frankie has.

Christmas time again. Bang!

"Daddy, I loved him!"

You've got to get used to the concept of death, Pet.

Uncle Frankie, can you get me a Frisbee. In a minute.

But does this mean, though, if one of the parents, accidentally

Tina dies, right, do they have to go to a pet shop, buy a similar looking

tortoise, get rid of a leg and stick another wheel on the corner?

Maybe they're not supposed to be put in a cardboard box full of hay.

Maybe their natural environment is different than a cardboard box.

Because they generally die.

You keep trying to teach us that tortoises die

and we refuse to believe you.

We think they go on for ever. You're going to bring one in next season and go,

"look at it, it's not moving anywhere."

-Let's get a show pet next season, right.

-Yes, yes!

I guarantee you it'll die in the middle of episode one.

-Bullshit. We'll make it live.

-We should have like, I should say -

and by the way, before we start Headlines, and round one of the

first series, I should introduce you to the Mock The Week giraffe, who'll

just be wandering around the studio randomly for the rest of the season.

-Hello, Necky. "Waargh! Waagh."

-Well. that would be great.

And then you'll just see him behind there, just slowly, and then bang.

Right in the middle of Scenes We'd Like To See, a dead giraffe

will come slamming through the screen there.

You laugh, but that would be a better show.

-Yeah. Absolutely.

-Who gives a fuck about the news, really?

That would be great, to see a bonobo chimp rip through

that screen during one of the stand-up bits.

"Wargh!" I'll tell you what I think about the government.

Oh hello! "Argh!"

Tearing the contestants limb from limb.

Just that Frankie's like that. "No, Frankie!"

They've got to learn.

The next topic is - Unlikely Excerpts From A Nature Documentary.

Do you see this little fella here?

Pull!

I'm having to whisper,

because this woman's husband is in the room next door.

This beautiful hummingbird is no match for my squash racquet.

LAUGHTER

And I'm having to whisper because this bear has got me in a headlock.

LAUGHTER

Penguin with his head trapped in a beer can.

Tragic and yet somehow hilarious.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I'm stood here, in the jungle, in my bath robe,

because my luggage is still at Heathrow.

LAUGHTER

Welcome back to Pimp My Hippo.

LAUGHTER

And here we have two insects shagging away. Phwor.

LAUGHTER

Out of the water climbs a majestic otter, who turns...

Oh, no, it's a dog.

LAUGHTER

And yes, the lion's after the impala,

and the lion's got the impala, tuck in my son!

Lion one, impala nil!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm the ghost of Steve Irwin,

and welcome to Animals Kill the Daftest Bastards.

LAUGHTER

Which punter has managed to have a 100% success rate?

-Paul the octopus.

-Is he your friend?

You can have him if you want.

Unless another octopus story appears in the news,

I'm not sure what use it would be to have a plastic octopus.

You could put him on your face and pretend to be part of Dr Who.

Oh, no, no, it would be more, it's the alien, it's Alien.

HE SCREAMS

I tell you what, we were talking about pranks earlier, that would be a good one to play on your daughter.

-That would be good, yeah.

-Sellotape it to your face.

-Yeah.

-Not where you've got it at the moment.

-No, no, no, that's more...

It would be a hell of a cod-piece though, wouldn't it?

Oh, sorry, you can't see it, that's it, that's it there.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah ladies. Look at that.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd