Travel Mock the Week

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APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Jack, which category would you like?

-Travel, please.

-OK, your category is Travel.

The answer is 1 in 500, what is the question?

Is it, after how many miles

would the Proclaimers realise they'd a massive mistake?

LAUGHTER

Is it, how many of my sexual fantasies involve my partner?

LAUGHTER

To be honest, in that one, she's introducing me to her sister.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it, how many traffic wardens will make it to the kingdom of heaven?

LAUGHTER

Is it, how many documentaries on the History Channel

aren't about pharaohs or the Nazis?

How many Star Trek fans have touched a real woman?

LAUGHTER

Why did you say that in such a camp way?!

Is it, how many Daily Mail readers

have first hand experience of what they're outraged by?

What is the last response you want to the question,

what are my chances, doctor?

Is it, is it the number of London Midland trains

that were running last Sunday?

You're absolutely right, Andy Parsons. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, the question I was looking for was,

how many of London Midland's Sunday train services

were running as normal last weekend?

Thousands of people were forced to cancel travel plans

and put up with replacement buses after London Midland cancelled

all but one of its 500 services.

Are there 500 trains going to Birmingham on a Sunday?

No, it's not. All over the Midlands, there wasn't...

That would be like, sorry, you've missed that train,

but there's another one along in 8.6 seconds.

Why would ANYBODY be going to Birmingham on a Sunday?

Who's going? Grief counsellors?

They've got no trains running, but they do have replacement buses.

And you know, well, just get them to drive the train,

because surely a bus is a bit harder, you've got to steer.

The train is just forward, stop, forward, stop.

It can't be... Have you ever seen a more depressed sight

than when you see a train driver come into a tube station?

They're not happy people, are they? You just see them like that. Ugh...

Lights. Ugh... Darkness...

Don't make the darkness appear again.

-Nooo! I'm in the tunnel again!

-LAUGHTER

They're amazing, aren't they?

They're also not incompetent on trains, absolutely not.

They're incredibly imaginative, because they come up with,

if a train is delayed, they come up with the most fantastic reasons.

And the one I loved, I was on a train once...

stuck outside Peterborough and it went on and went,

"We apologise for the wait outside Peterborough.

"This was due...to a delay."

LAUGHTER

Do you not get annoyed by the noise? It drives me mental.

You know the bit where the buffet guy comes on

and just sort of lists the stuff that's in the buffet?

He's not even memorised, he sort of goes like, "Chocolate bars...

"Cups of tea...like, sandwiches..."

There's only like six things, just memorise it.

Or just don't tell us at all,

because it's the sort of stuff you'd expect to find in a buffet car.

Why would you need to be told? When you walk into a shop they don't go,

"Hello, welcome to the shop. We have magazines there, sweets here.

-"We have cigarettes behind me here."

-We know what's in a buffet.

We'll be surprised if you've got a PARTRIDGE down there.

But what's great is when there's someone who's too eager.

There's some sandwiches in here just crying out to be eaten. Over.

I heard another fantastic announcement which was outside...

Gloucester or somewhere, coming into Gloucester, and it went,

"We apologise for the delay outside Gloucester.

"This is due to chronic

"under-investment in the rail industry."

LAUGHTER

And in other news, who is the real power broker,

who's the king maker in parking in this country?

-Is it NCP?

-No, it's not NCP.

Who's the one single individual who wields more power

-over parking in this country than anyone else?

-Boris Johnson.

-No.

It is, according to Parking Review, it's Hugh Dennis.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's right.

This magazine, which was sent to me anonymously...

features ten separate photographs of Hugh Dennis

on its pages at the moment.

Yeah, I did the National Parking Awards.

-Who wins a National Parking Award?

-They did Best Multi-Storey.

That was in there. Have you not done the National Parking Awards?

I've not done the National Parking Awards.

I didn't know that this was a bonus of it.

I'm going to seek out the National Parking Awards.

Sorry, sorry, when you say "parking",

do you mean...like, in a car, reversing into a slot?

-Yeah? Is that, you're talking...? Right, OK.

-Yeah.

They had awards and Hugh handed them out.

I handed them out, yeah.

Well, I gave them all tickets, to be honest. I didn't...

LAUGHTER

OK. Here is a picture of England Manager, Roy Hodgson,

but can anyone sum this up with a phrase?

Is it, the world's most disappointing lap dance?

LAUGHTER

Is he saying, is he saying,

"Richmond, Rickmansworth, Rayners Lane,

"thank goodness I'm going to Wembley."

Waiting in the tunnel before the game

Roy Hodgson begins to suspect he may be in the wrong tunnel.

Looking at the whole picture, is it,

the London Underground, where sexy singles meet?

Is it when he took the job and they said, said he could have a driver

to take him to matches, he should have asked a few more questions.

Are they saying, "We apologise for the delay,

"Luis Suarez has dived in front of the train."

Whoops, I've just put a yellow javelin through this man's head.

What was the story with him?

Well he was on, he was on the Tube

and he was on his way to the Emirates and someone asked him a question

and he broke the unwritten code of talking to people on the Tube.

-Yes.

-Which you never ever do. You're not allowed to do that.

If you're a Londoner, you simply do not talk to people on the Tube,

unless you've got a dog. And someone says something to you.

It wasn't that people were angry that he'd given away any

confidences about the selection or non-selection of Rio Ferdinand.

It was just that he broke the beautiful rule of...

Yeah, you don't talk to people on the Tube.

On the Tube, you have to sit like this.

Oh now I recognise you.

Can I borrow your Metro? Thanks.

Surely it was just a misunderstanding.

Somebody said to Roy Hodgson...

Sorry, Hugh hasn't arrived at his destination yet.

-We're sort of hoping he arrives soon.

-My stop.

He said that he's never going to talk to anyone on the Tube again.

I want to be there when a tourist comes up to him

and goes, "Is this Marble Arch?" And he has to go...

Well, it's the only way they'll learn.

We've all had to go through that.

Hello, Londoner, I'm just over from Ireland.

I was wondering what train I should...oh, you're going, OK.

I'll try another one, I said.

I would talk to you, Mr O Briain.

I would take you to your destination and carry your bags.

Thank you very much, but you are a foreigner.

LAUGHTER

I have been here too long and now I shun you as well.

"Hello. Oh."

Dara, I'll pretend I'm on the Tube, ask me a question.

Hello, sir. I was wondering if you knew

if this was the perfect place to change for the Jubilee line?

Excuse me. I was wondering if this is the right place for,

I want to get to Buckingham Palace?

It's shameful.

This man is a pioneer, the first man ever to speak on the Tube

and your people, instead of lifting him up, you punish him,

by making him coach your football team.

The first subject is Transport. Who wants to come in on that? Miles.

Yes, transport, public transport, why is public transport so horrendous?

Well, the clue is in the question, isn't it, it's the public.

You're horrific.

I don't take public transport terribly often,

but sometimes I do it for a dare.

Some friends and I once had a competition to see who could

stay for the longest on a night bus without vomiting.

Although once I got on the bus, it was quite clear that all

the other passengers were involved in a similar competition.

None of them were doing terribly well.

My seat had a sign next to it saying,

"This seat is particularly appreciated

"by the elderly and infirm." Yeah. Certainly smelt like it.

What a journey, every time somebody pressed the stop button, it pinged.

The oik sitting next to me stood up

because he thought his McCain's microwaveable chips were ready.

Brutal.

Anyway, while I've been speaking,

I imagine a lot of the ladies in here have been looking at me.

Possibly, you know, you're thinking, "Is he or isn't he?"

Well, I've got to be honest with you, ladies, I am looking for a cleaner.

On the travel front,

what caused this particular disaster in New Zealand?

-Was it elves?

-It wasn't elves.

-Sneezing?

-It wasn't.

-A milk tanker.

-It's a de-railed lorry.

-It's a milk tanker.

-A milk tanker.

Ploughed through two buildings, the first two buildings there.

-And why did it crash?

-Was it looking for a cow?

-It wasn't.

That's not the way they work.

They don't, the milk tankers don't track cows across fields.

Had some guy just poured himself out cornflakes,

realised he didn't have any milk

and was possessed of incredible telepathic powers?

Like Magneto but for milk. He can lure milk towards him.

What an annoying super power to have.

We need an action replay of it, it was a lovely moment.

I just remembered something.

Show them what you did, it was fantastic. You went...

DRUMS ON TABLE

-Then went like that, when they were talking.

-Did I really?

-Yeah.

I do that kind of thing the whole time, that's entirely me.

Do it again.

It's quite good, but this better be good, because that was quite...

My self image is not of a sort of person who does that.

-And I'm very glad that I...

-You should change that, yeah.

I'm glad that I'm doing it in an involuntary way,

-rather than affecting to do it.

-Yes.

-At the end of it just go, "Shazam."

You don't think that's taking it too far?

-I don't think, I think you can do it.

-OK, next time.

-Here we go, here we go.

-No, I'd remembered why he crashed.

-Why did he crash?

-Because...

THEY DRUM

-Because...

-Why did they crash the truck?

Start again.

HE DRUMS

He, the guy, the milk guy, choked on a lolly.

-He did choke on a lolly, yes.

-He wrecked...

And the people inside the house choked on a lorry.

What I love about, what I love about this photo is, like

30 seconds before that happened, there were three houses

and a bloke in a caravan who was feeling a bit shit

because everybody else had a house.

Now the bloke in the caravan is going, "Yes!"

I've got a caravan and a lifetime supply of milk.

He did, he choked on, he choked on a boiled sweet,

which in that part of the world...

-Is that right?

-No, they call sweets lollies in...

-Crazy.

-Funny people.

Oh, that's nowhere near as funny as a boiled sweet.

There was nobody in the first house.

There was nobody in the second house, but in the third house

there was a man who was, who was sitting in his chair.

-And do you know why he was there?

-No.

He had a broken foot. He was recuperating from a broken foot.

It came through the wall of his house and he said to himself,

he had a moment where he went,

"I'm not going to be able to get away from this,

"because I've got a broken foot."

And the truck slammed into him, broke his other leg.

The only way that that could have been worse

was if he was also lactose intolerant.

LAUGHTER

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.

Good God, it's Margaret Beckett, isn't it?

From the first Labour Government.

Do you know, I'm beginning to wonder how recent this footage actually is.

Oh lovely, a train in a box.

That's odd, Mummy normally gives me a Twix and a lump of organic cheese.

Still, never mind, stick that on eBay.

Sir, this chap will be your driver, Dave.

Hello, Dave. How lovely, so you drive this, do you?

Yes, I bet you've got a tale or two to tell.

Yeah, well actually it has been hairy a couple of times.

I bet it has. Yes. Do you know, I quite fancy doing your job.

Yes, and I, I quite fancy doing your job.

Well that's not going to fucking happen, is it?! Can I have a go?

No, I'm afraid it's against regulations.

Is it? Is it? Now then, think very carefully.

-Hmm.

-Yes, I think that's the right answer,

nobody wants to be force-fed organic biscuits.

Anyway, let's have some fun.

This is an impression, this is the British economy.

-It's going backwards.

-Yes, I know.

Don't worry, I understand about trains.

Now tell me, Dave, can this go sideways?

-No, just backwards and forwards.

-Does it?

Just backwards and forwards.

Why don't we just concentrate on driving the train, sir?

Just push the lever forward if you could.

That's a lever, is it?

I thought it was an enormous Liquorice Allsort.

What do I do, just push it forward do I? Oh yes, look, we're going.

Well, this is a piece of piss, Dave. You're stealing a living, yes.

Oh, hang on a minute, hang on, my arm's stuck.

I think, hang on, Dave, my arm's locked.

David, my arm, David, I can't stop, my arm's locked.

-His arm's locked.

-My arm's locked, I can't...

Oh, my God! Where are the brakes? Where are the brakes?

We're out of control, I can't stop it.

Ha ha, I got you there, didn't I, Dave, eh? Really.

I'll tell you what...

APPLAUSE

Well done, Hugh Dennis.

Transport is the topic.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

So I've got my own private jet.

The rest of the Jacuzzi belongs to my mum.

If you've got a sat nav,

don't put the name of the company you're visiting into it.

I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day,

I ended up in Helmand Province.

I mean, I've got a car, but there's nothing

I like better than making a bonfire on the passenger seat.

Driving up and down, opening and shutting the electric sunroof

and pretending to be a steam train.

My uncle, he was a taxi driver,

but then one day he left home without any indication.

Adam, you've probably travelled more internationally than any of us.

How is security at the moment? Do you have any difficulties?

Yeah, yeah, I always, I've got an artificial foot, as you know.

Yes, I do know that, yes.

So clearly, every time... I don't know if you knew that, Hugh.

I have an artificial penis.

So I've decided not to, you know, compare notes on that later maybe.

And it does have metal bits on the side,

so going through airport metal detectors is just brilliant.

Really?

Actually I went through, I went through Heathrow Airport

three days after September 11, and reaction to the foot was great.

I walked through and everything's gone off,

and they're right over you, "Put your arms out."

They patted me down.

And they got to that moment where they kind of knocked on the foot

and there was a wooden sound.

And the guy just kind of looked at me and just went,

"Right, what's going on down there?"

In all innocence I just went, "Oh, it's an artificial foot."

And he just went, "Ah jeez, go through, mate, no just go through.

"No, it's all right."

I was thinking, well check, there could be a knife.

"No, no, just go, mate. I don't care if the plane goes down,

"I don't want to offend a spastic. Just go, for God's sake!"

While you're going through one of the ones

in which you have to take off, when there's a bit of a rigmarole anyway

and people are sullen, they spend the entire day looking at people

sullenly going past going, "Here's my belt and here's my shoe."

And then you could just go,

"And I'll see your belt and I'll see your shoe.

"And here is a leg." Argh!

Do you have to take your shoe off or just take the whole thing off?

No, the shoe comes off first and then I put it on.

I usually use it to...

You made that sound actually kind of sexy. The shoe comes off.

And then, if needs be, the Velcro.

Velcro?!

Yeah, it's held on by Velcro.

Is that Velcroed straight on to the hair of your leg?

Or is it onto other bits of Velcro?

That would be ridiculous.

Those cutbacks in the Health Service are really kicking in, aren't they?

I mean, what was you expecting, a dove-tail joint?

Yeah, well ideally some sort of modern prosthetic, you know,

masking tape maybe. But just...

Couldn't you get toes that did all the different functions

of a Swiss Army knife?

I do have toes on it. I do, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think the question everyone wants is...get your foot out, Adam.

LAUGHTER

Ssh, listen for the Velcro.

It's Velcro time. Ready with the mic.

-It's Velcro...

-I've got a terrific view, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you not ever tempted...?

VELCRO RIPS

AUDIENCE CHEER

Have you ever thought of just going, "Arrrh," when you take it off?

LAUGHTER

-Right, the foot.

-Oh, hello.

THUD

Not that one!

He's removed the wrong foot.

That'd be the NHS wouldn't it, right there?

-That was actually Hugh's penis.

-It wasn't his foot, yes.

AUDIENCE CHEER

-Can I have a look at it?

-Yeah, yeah, go for it.

It's like show and tell, isn't it?

Who's got something else then, come on?

I'm impressed by the fake toes, because presumably there's no good,

there's no tactile reason for them to be there,

-no essential reason for them...

-Do you know what it was?

It was because when I was about 14,

getting to that age in a boy's life where, you know,

you're having things going on, and doctors basically sat down with me

and said, "Is there anything the other kids can do that you can't?"

And bearing that I grew up in Australia, I said,

"Yeah, I want to wear thongs." Which of course is flip-flops.

Just, although...

Adam, have you ever put beer in your foot and drunk out of it?

Yes.

The reason there are toes there is because when I said I wanted

to wear flip-flops, they made me one that had a gap there,

so that I could put flip-flops in there.

But it didn't work, because when you walk in flip-flops,

you grip with your toes, to hold the flip-flop on.

So you were just going - ping! And firing them off everywhere.

So my mum then put Velcro on a flip-flop, on the foot.

If it wasn't for Velcro.

We don't take enough time to thank Velcro for its wonderful work.

-Just tell it to the camera. Thanks, Velcro.

-Thank you, Velcro.

Thanks for everything.

Keeping us together.

And thank you, Adam, for what could have descended into

freak show territory, but you held it together

with an enormous amount of dignity, as we basically said,

"Show us the weird thing! Show us the weird thing now!

"Let us see the unusual limb."

Who wants to see my artificial penis?

Is that the one you had made so that you could wear a thong?

The next subject is Travel. Away you go.

This week Ryanair, the Irish airline,

decided that they were going to carry out their policy

and do away completely with check-in desks.

Now, I've got many ambitions in life.

My main one though is to be the barman in the bar where

Michael O'Leary from Ryanair goes for a pint on a Friday night,

so I can stand there and go,

"Hello, Michael. How's the craic? What are you after?

"A pint of lager? Certainly, 49 pence.

"Yes, I know that appears cheap.

"The glass is going to cost you £2.

"Will you be wanting a head on it, Michael?

"What made you think it would be 3.49?

"Did you not book your pint online?"

Thank you.

I actually prefer the halfway stage with the self check-in desk,

which is bizarre.

And I remember the first time that happened to me,

standing there in front of an empty check-in desk

at the airport asking myself if I've packed this bag myself.

I'm a comedian, I went, "Might have done."

I'm not having that kind of behaviour. I called security.

I demanded a strip search, ladies and gentlemen,

and it was a cracking start to the weekend, I'll tell you.

The good news is, my prostate's in good shape

and we found a bottle of Bacardi from a previous trip.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Fred.

In terms of travel, on the roads,

what flaw has been exposed this week in speed cameras?

It's really great.

If you change lanes between two like kind of, you know,

average speed cameras, if you swap lanes then they can't detect you.

And the manufacturer said,

"You can do this, but we wouldn't recommend it."

It's like when you're at the swimming pool,

they go, "No bombing." "He's turned, bomb!"

So if you, if you drive like Richard Hammond, and a violent swerve,

you're perfectly all right, you'll get away with it.

I think that should be, that should be the anti-speeding advert.

It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to

remember his own wedding day.

LAUGHTER

She was, she was wearing black, or was it red? Am I married?

I've a feeling it won't be...

The speed cameras...

You know, we're not even going to make an oblique reference to him,

let alone, there's a line in the sand, right,

and you can't even see the line in the sand.

You're actually out of sand into like,

into tropical tundra regions or something.

Don't you think, though, that what is wrong with speed cameras?

-What's wrong with speed cameras?

-I don't know, no.

I'm taking a second just to enjoy that particular joke.

Who here has had a crash, anyone?

-We've all had a crash.

-Yeah, I've been in a crash. Yeah.

Well, who's had the worst one?

When I was 17, right, I crashed into a snow plough,

the only day it snowed that year.

I had to walk up to, I had to walk up to him

and like do my best guv, "So, how fast do you think we was going?"

And he was like,

"Well, I'm in a snow plough, so I'm guessing I wasn't hurtling."

Every one of these speed cameras actually earned 80 grand in a year.

And I was thinking, I would quite like that job.

Stood there all day, just...

I would quite happily stand there with a flash gun in a hedge

painted fluorescent yellow for 80 grand a year.

The next topic please. Unlikely Things To Hear On A Train.

This is the Virgin train service to Edinburgh.

If you're not a virgin, would you please get off at Hemel Hempstead.

BUZZER

We would like to apologise for the bumpy ride as we entered

the last station.

This is due to some selfish bastard throwing himself under the train!

BUZZER

We are now arriving in Sheffield, could all passengers in first class

please pull back your window blinds and take a look at the real world.

BUZZER

We'd like to apologise for the toilet being

out of order for the entire journey as Ricky Hatton is in it.

BUZZER

Due to staff shortages, I am unable to finish this announ...

BUZZER

Hot food is now available because the buffet car is on fire.

BUZZER

We have now arrived into Birmingham New Street.

We are pleased to inform any passengers wishing to change

for Wolverhampton that there's a JD Sports opposite the station.

BUZZER

Excuse me, do you have any more of those sandwiches? They're delicious.

BUZZER

Hmm, I wonder whether I should take my personal belongings with me

when I leave this train.

If only there was an announcement that could possibly help me.

BUZZER

We apologise for the delay to this service.

This was caused by a points failure at "make something up."

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

-HIGH PITCHED VOICE

-Hello.

This is the train speaking.

I know we're running a bit late,

but don't worry, I know a short-cut.

BUZZER

Could the passenger causing a disturbance in the quiet coach

please settle down and stop shouting about your heart medicine.

BUZZER

OK, the next topic is, Things You Won't Hear Your Sat Nav Say.

Don't be angry, but while you were getting petrol, I shagged your iPod.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

HEAVY ACCENT

In 300 miles you will realise this gimmicky voice

was a terrible mistake.

At the next set of traffic lights, a cyclist is going to pull up

next to you and give you a really dirty look

like he's better than you.

When the light turns green, let's see how good his balance is.

BUZZER

Turn right at the next junction for a bloody good dogging site.

BUZZER

I'll tell you what, darling, how about you get out of the car

and let your husband park?

BUZZER

Turn right. Wrong, I didn't say, "Sat nav says."

Welcome to Jo-burg!

Lock the doors, put on your bulletproof vest

and don't leave me here.

If you go away and leave me here, I won't be here when you come back!

BUZZER

Bear left and over to the right, squirrel!

Ooooh, you just turn me on.

HE GASPS SEXUALLY

Hold on, I've got the map upside down.

BUZZER

Left. Left.

Your girlfriend's left.

BUZZER

Next dinner party, you drink and I'll drive.

BUZZER

Did you turn the gas off? Did you lock the door? Did you? Did you?

I reckon we should go back, I reckon we should go back.

Where the fuck are we?!