Britain Mock the Week

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APPLAUSE

This programme contains some strong language

OK, your category is World News, and the answer is "One Fifth",

what's the question?

Is this what fraction of the Jackson Five might miss the Christmas party?

LAUGHTER

Is it how much of French And Saunders is Saunders?

LAUGHTER

Is it what proportion of Enid Blyton's "The Famous Five"

can lick their own testicles?

Is it how much of a Boris Johnson speech

is not "Hmm, well, brrr, I say, gosh"(?)

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it how does Jamie Oliver pronounce "one fish"(?)

LAUGHTER

It's about Libya, I think, and it is

what proportion of Scotland's tourist income

is provided by American tourists?

Well done, Hugh, give him a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

This is the news campaigners have called on Americans

to boycott travel to Scotland

as well as the buying of Scottish goods

after the decision to release Lockerbie bomber, Ali al-Megrahi.

The decision was roundly condemned by Barack Obama

and FBI director, Robert Mueller. Scotland is now a rogue state...

Uncontrolled by Westminster, they've just gone crazy. Fred?

Yes, well I have to say it's a double-edged sword,

because on the one hand we've got a huge international incident,

on the other hand, we've annoyed the Americans.

They're not going to come on holiday to Scotland.

Who had their holiday booked to go to Scotland in September?

I wouldn't go to Scotland in September

if I was going into hiding.

The only person making that trip should be an academic

doing a report on the moment when depression turns into violence.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

The thing is, Americans don't even have passports.

Only 10% percent of them have passports.

Americans boycotting Scotland

is like Wayne Rooney boycotting the Large Hadron Collider.

It's not just... it's the Scottish goods,

-it is a genuine fear that if America...

-Scottish goods?!

Yes, your sales, your sales of whisky,

shortbread and those hats that have hair attached to the hat.

How many haggises are we selling in Jackson, Mississippi?

-Two? Five?

-I've looked at this as an Irish person.

On the website Boycott Scotland, they offer as an alternative, Ireland.

Which is kind of, we're not interchangeable,

although we have renamed our whisky "Freedom" whisky.

-Obviously the Irish...

-Like Ireland doesn't have any links to terrorism.

No, exactly.

Not to THAT terrorism, no.

APPLAUSE

I'm staying in Scotland this month and I know for a fact

that they don't care, because I got a taxi to my flat and the driver

came to help me with my bags, some Americans pulled over and said,

"You couldn't give us advice on how to get to the station, could you?"

And he said, "Aye, get a satnav!"

LAUGHTER

What I loved about it was the fact Kenny MacAskill

said that the reason why they let him go

is because Scotland is a compassionate nation.

And you're like, what?!

The Glasgow kiss is the only kiss that involves the forehead.

It's freezing there, they make them wear skirts,

and the last terrorist in Scotland was on fire

and Jim Smeaton still tried to beat him up.

Can I just say, they don't make us wear skirts,

we choose to do that, OK?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's not Jim Smeaton, we're not all called Jimmy, he's John.

They've released al-Megrahi,

the Scots, Scotland have sent him back on compassionate grounds

because he's only got three months to live.

Well, Gordon Brown has only got a year to live, politically,

so could we not send him back to Scotland?

There was a genuinely though... because al-Megrahi, yes,

has three months to live, but he's 57,

so he was very close to becoming Scotland's oldest man.

LAUGHTER

The great thing about al-Megrahi is that he actually sounds Scottish.

-DEEP VOICE

-"Big al-Megrahi."

He sounds like he plays centre half for Dunfermline or something.

"Yes, you get round the full back,

"but often, big al-Megrahi was there to clear."

LAUGHTER

OK, which famous Londoner missed out on tickets to the games?

-Jack the Ripper.

-Yes.

No, another one, there's another more famous Londoner than that.

-Dick van Dyke.

-Not Dick van Dyke, no.

-LAUGHTER

-VAN DYKE IMPRESSION

-I can't believe it. I put down for loads of them! I got nothing!

IMPRESSION Oh, blimey, Mary.

Which Londoner famously missed out on tickets?

-Boris Johnson didn't get any tickets.

-Boris Johnson, yes.

And he's obviously not very confident, is he?

-That's Boris Johnson, about to do a knife attack.

-Expelliamus!

Did you see John Prescott's offer

-to the people who didn't get tickets?

-No.

John Prescott put a tweet out saying,

"If you've missed out on tickets for the Olympic Games,

"the East Hull Olympic Games

"start today in the park in my constituency,"

which is kind of like saying, can't afford the opera?

There's a tramp at the bottom of my road...

having a piss, he whistles My Way.

Greg, why are you following John Prescott on Twitter?

Private reasons.

LAUGHTER

(Call me.)

What is the first taste of Olympic fever that we're going to get?

We are basically going to have the Olympic flame...

-Yes, we are.

-Which is apparently going to go round the country,

including six of our islands, including Guernsey,

Jersey and the Orkneys,

and that's of course if when it goes to the Orkneys they don't keep

whoever takes it there and worship them as a god.

LAUGHTER

Some former Olympic athletes are going to be taking the torch round.

All round the country, street cleaners on the route are going,

"Please, not Paula Radcliffe, please, not Paula Radcliffe."

LAUGHTER

I go to East London quite a lot. When it gets there,

it will be stopped every five seconds with people going,

"Excuse me, I couldn't borrow your light, could I?"

LAUGHTER

And what's being offered to the police

who are guarding the Olympic torch on this 8,000 mile journey?

-Counselling.

-Counselling.

To help them get back into the proper world at the end of it.

-And...

-Actually, they'll need counselling before they start

if you're going to run for 70 days behind a flame.

They think that the effect will have some sort of, like, moth syndrome,

if they've been running behind a flame for the last 70 days.

LAUGHTER

They're just constantly... jumping at the moon. Waah!

For God's sake, don't put him on the night shift again,

it was a disaster last time.

Jumping over walls to get to people's barbecues and just stand staring at it.

I worship the flame now.

The flame is my god now.

APPLAUSE

What has Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith been calling for this week?

He has said, Iain Duncan Smith has called on British bosses

to employ more British people

and the British bosses have said that they can't do that

because foreign workers work much more efficiently

and the British have lost their work ethic

and that's as much as I'm going to say, unless I'm on double time...

and I get another tea break.

Well, as a foreigner, I'll pick up the slack then, won't I?

LAUGHTER

Ed?

The only thing... I have a very left-wing and liberal attitude

to Eastern European immigration. The only thing though,

is you go, welcome them, let them come in,

then you get refused entry to a nightclub by a bouncer from Lithuania.

Suddenly, suddenly your leftie attitude to immigration

takes a big step to the right for the evening.

-It's not just bouncers from Lithuania who turn you away though, is it?

-No.

Every bouncer on every nightclub door in Dublin now, it seems, are from Eastern Europe,

Eastern European bouncers, they're hard-working, conscientious,

but they don't watch Mock The Week, right?

LAUGHTER

This means nothing trying to get into a nightclub in Dublin.

Then you hate yourself,

"What do you mean you won't let me in? We let you in!"

That's not on.

LAUGHTER

I had a letter published in the Daily Mail last week

saying that a lot of Russian women get into this country

inside other Russian women.

LAUGHTER

But it's true though, Eastern Europeans,

-they are very keen to work, aren't they?

-Yes.

I mean, as an example, right, there was a Serbian and a Czech

who were able to win the Wimbledon championship in two weeks,

whereas a British person with the same qualifications

has been unable to do it for 75 years.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You don't mind having, like, efficient cherry pickers,

but you don't want like an Eastern European traffic warden, do you?

-AS DRACULA

-I gave out 500 tickets this morning.

LAUGHTER

I gave out 500 tickets this morning.

I need to drink some blood.

At one point do they go, ah, ah, ah, ah...

I grew up with Dracula films.

-AS THE COUNT

-One parking ticket, ah, ah, ah...

TWO parking tickets...

-MIXED ACCENTS

-You cannot park here, no parking in this area.

Sorry, is that, is that Dracula or Bob Dylan?

LAUGHTER

-You cannot park here.

-APPLAUSE

The topic is etiquette.

Fetch.

I think there's been a deterioration in etiquette.

There's been a deterioration in manners

and there's been a deterioration in language,

and as a Scot, you know,

we're often accused of using the F word too much.

And you know, that could be true.

I think though, it suits the pattern of our voice,

it suits the rhythm of our speech, it actually fits in quite nicely,

but I think I have found the epitome of the overuse of the F word.

It happened at a St Johnstone versus Partick Thistle football match

and the detail is vital in padding out the routine...

LAUGHTER

It was in McDermott Stadium,

a stadium that can hold 10,000 people, they've been told.

And five minutes into the second half, something happened

on the pitch that the man five rows in front of me

was not at all happy about and he stood up

and he pointed at the pitch and he shouted, "Fucking...

"Boo!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There you are!

Because you know,

sometimes "boo" just isn't enough.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other politics news,

why has a Lib Dem councillor from Devon hit the headlines?

She's a... she's a Liberal Democrat councillor,

but she's also a sex worker, Dara.

She's not just a member of the Lib Dems, she's a Lib Dem councillor...

-From Bidewell, is it?

-Bideford.

-Bideford.

-Bideford, excuse me.

-This is her, yes.

-That's her.

-yes!

You'd vote for that, wouldn't you?

What's funny about it,

aside from this, this is her traditional get-up,

she also does the following, if I get this right,

she does Miss Whiplash, that's rubbish,

she just turns up and goes, "Oh, my back!"

The other one is Miss Santa, that is entirely creepy, isn't it?

And the final one is Sexy Gypsy Lady,

which is just hilarious, isn't it?

Just the idea of someone in Devon going, "Hello?

"Is that Sexy Gypsy Lady?"

I'm worried about, what do you think she plugs into these three sockets?

She's got a chat-line though, right, apparently,

£1.50 a minute, you can call up.

Now if you ever call up your council, you never get through.

How brilliant to know you can definitely get through

to one of your councillors, you know,

and you can get a bit of sexy talk at the same time.

I'd like to know about my planning permission.

"Ooh, you haven't got planning permission, you bad boy,

"I'll spank you, I'll spank you."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's actually more socially acceptable to be a sex worker

than a Liberal Democrat.

I've always thought the Devon accent to be the sexiest on a chat line.

The amount of times I've wanted to hear someone say,

"Ooh, I'm not wearing any clothes, my lover."

If only she would say that though.

You'll probably be trying to whack one off

while she's telling you about proportional representation.

And I know from experience, that's a tough one.

Has anyone ever rung up a sex line?

LAUGHTER

-What were the chances we were going to go...

-I have.

Now is the time to, you know,

-I want to share that. No, I haven't.

-Have you not?

I did when I was 14, I got caught by my mum. Horrific.

Why, was she..? I know this voice!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Too easy, come on!

You threw it up, I had to hit it.

I'd like to, yes, get myself in trouble rather than my mum.

-I was 14 and I was getting bullied at school...

-Oh, dear.

And rather than learn karate, I used to ring up the sex line.

I once had an argument with one lady who, I said,

"Would you do this to me?"

And she said, "No, I won't, I need you to do this to me first."

And I plucked up the courage to go, "You will do it to me

"and do you know why, madam?

"Because the customer is always right." And put the phone down.

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features Boris Johnson and David Cameron.

HUGH AS BORIS: Ah, tally-ho, look out, posh boy coming through.

I wonder if there's any grub, I'm absolutely starving.

HUGH AS CAMERON: Now remember why we're here, Boris. We're here

to reassure the public about spending cuts, not just so you can eat.

HUGH AS BORIS: No, but look, there's cake.

There's cake, loads of cake. I love cake.

They've got all sorts of cake, they've got pink cake,

blue cake, I don't know where I am, am I pink, am I blue?

Am I pink? I've never been pink. God, I sound like William Hague.

All the cake's on Cammers,

he's got loads of cash from the spending cuts.

HUGH AS CAMERON: Actually this is the last £10 left in Britain,

so best be careful with it.

HUGH AS BORIS: I want a meringue, I love a meringue.

I love all the cream in a meringue.

HUGH AS CAMERON: Well, why don't you share mine? I mean, times are hard.

HUGH AS BORIS: Well, I could, I suppose, but I have a rule.

I have a rule, I never share anything, anything with another man,

unless of course, unless of course, it's his...it's his, er...

it's his wife.

AS CAMERON: Anyway, here we go. AS BORIS: Now careful,

don't get any of the white stuff up there, no, that would be very bad.

HUGH AS CAMERON: So, do you... do you have any change?

We were hoping to have saved some for the poor people.

It doesn't really matter, but if there is some left over. Have you?

Three pounds, lovely, that's absolutely perfect. Yes, oops.

There we go, that's the Pakistani betting syndicate satisfied.

HUGH AS BORIS: Oh, look, lovely, sticky fingers.

Yes, I love a sticky finger. That's...that's not the first.

Oh, look, a genuine Cockney. HUGH AS CAMERON: Hello, how are you?

HUGH AS PEARLY KING: Oh, lor' and lummee, who shot Cock Robin?

Apples and pears, down the old chim-chiminee,

and Mary Poppins, the Kray twins, innit?

HUGH AS CAMERON: I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Hugh.

My favourite Olympic torch story, by the way, is this week

the Olympic torch was brought on the raft through the slalom course.

What brilliant plan is this?

Right, one second later, there's the Olympic torch!

And it had to be brought and lit from the mother flame,

which apparently is discreetly held in a miner's lamp.

It's like a Zippo. And, they're not bringing it back to Greece, like.

And had to be re-lit.

The Olympic flame has to be lit kindled by the rays of the sun,

which is not our strong point, at the moment.

I can't help feeling they should have just given us

a special dispensation, so instead of a torch,

we could have just... everyone could have had a flannel,

like a damp flannel and you kind of wring yours out

into the other person's flannel and then they go on.

What's weird about the Olympic torch though,

it's having this incredibly exciting time.

It's been on a zip wire in Newcastle, it's been sailing,

it's been whitewater rafting.

It's like it's got some sort of deal with the Make A Wish Foundation.

It's as if it's somebody's stag do or something,

isn't it, taking the Olympic torch whitewater rafting.

I'm amazed it wasn't left in the booth of a lap dancing club,

or somewhere, like so many of my umbrellas!

The next subject is North/South Divide. There goes Michael.

Right, yes. Now I am from the South.

Have you noticed?

I have been north,

up the M1 and I don't know what happens to the word "the".

It seems to disappear at about junction 25 on the M1

and the word "the" just goes,

"That's it for me, I'm getting off, you go on ahead.

"Are you coming with? No, I don't... they're not interested up there."

And then you get there and they have this...

EXAGGERATED ACCENT: "..up t'road, in t'fridge.

"Oh you're going up to..." What are you doing?

My first experience of this was when I went to the cinema in Leeds.

I saw The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

I have to say I had more fun asking the woman what it was

I'd booked to see than watching the entire movie itself.

"So what is it I'm seeing here today?"

"T'Lion, T'Witch and T'Wardrobe."

What are you talking about?

Am I hearing this? "Are you taking t'piss?" Yes, of course.

I thought it might be a nice idea maybe to go into HMV

and get a DVD of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe,

maybe The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

and perhaps an album by The The and just line them up on the counter.

What is it I've decided to purchase here?

"T'Lion, T'Witch And T'Wardrobe,

T'Good, T'Bad And T'Ugly...

"..and T'T'."

-Thank you.

-Well done, Michael.

Why have mother-in-laws been in the news this week?

A woman wrote a letter saying that her daughter-in-law was uncouth

and that, the wedding was coming up, she was uncouth,

she ate her dinner from the wrong side.

-What? What's that? I

-don't know.

-What is that?

Is there a direction, you must go left to right with your dinner?

-Do you have to go, like typing.

-In polite circles,

when you get your dinner put in front of you,

you start on the left hand side and make your way across.

-Jack'll tell you.

-Was this the plate?

-What?

-No! And if they put like all the steak...

-Oh, for Christ's sake!

..you eat your way through the stuff...

I knew you people were plebs, but this is unbelievable. Unbelievable.

In the East End, we start on the left hand side,

we make our way over to the other side.

What happens if you don't like the stuff on the left hand side?

-Well, you're in trouble, aren't you?

-Do you have to turn the plate round?

So, if your pork chop is there and your potatoes are there,

you have to eat your pork chop first.

-Yeah.

-And then the potatoes afterwards?

-Optional, the potatoes.

As long as you've started on the left, everyone goes...

-What if it's soup?

-What?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let me explain this, yes, a lady called Carolyn Bourne, this week

sent an email to her future daughter-in-law.

She's stepmother of the guy she's marrying,

a lady called Heidi Withers, and it went viral.

And she accused her of being very uncouth, lacking in grace,

said that it's disgraceful she'd never sent her

a thank you card for the time she spent,

that she shouldn't have stayed in bed

while the rest of the house was up. And basically, said essentially

that, you know, yeah, you shouldn't get married in a castle

unless you live in a castle.

Which is ridiculous, if you live in a castle,

you get married in St Paul's Cathedral.

-Yeah.

-"Yes."

-You do, yeah. Yeah.

-Quite large.

-AS THE SESAME STREET COUNT:

-"If you live in a castle, you can get married..."

"Ah ah ah ah."

I can't help it, I can't help it.

He lures me in.

I love the Count, he was my favourite thing.

"Ah ha ha ha ha!

"One peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

My favourite thing, they then asked them for comments afterwards

and they're all stone-walling, aren't they?

Nobody's said anything, the bride and groom,

-apart from her father.

-Her father, yeah.

Who came out with a great quote, which was,

"That woman, basically, she's got her head so far up her arse,

"she doesn't know whether to speak or fart."

And this is the bloke, right, who's got to make a speech at the wedding.

If he's saying that now, get a ticket for that reception.

And I think it's nice to see a mother, sort of, like

looking after her son, because whenever I go out with girls,

my mum always takes the side of the girl, probably justifiably.

I was going out with a girl recently, and it was quite

a difficult patch in the relationship,

and I don't normally do it, but I looked on her phone.

On her phone I found a text message from my mum saying,

"I think you deserve better!"

It is very difficult, etiquette in other people's houses.

Lots of etiquette, I've never understood.

As a child, genuinely, I used to get very confused when they said,

"You mustn't eat with your mouth open."

And I genuinely thought, how do you get the food in?

There's also that ludicrous thing when you are eating soup,

you're meant to push the spoon away.

And you think, my mouth's here, why am I, what's all that about?

You know if you go to someone's house for dinner in the evening,

right, and you go upstairs and you lay a massive log in the toilet

that won't go down, what is the etiquette there?

You break it down with the brush, that's what you do.

-You do battle with it.

-You fight it and you win.

And like soup, you push away. You push away all the time.

Thanks, Dara. Thank you.

The worst thing is, if you go to... This has happened to me,

you go to the loo and you find there's a massive log already in it.

And what do you do then?

You walk out and you go, who left this disgraceful thing in here?

I had to spend... I had to beat

someone else's massive log to death

before I could go back downstairs,

for fear that they'd think I had left it.

-That is the worst of all possible...

-That's awful.

And they're all looking at you normally,

apart from one person looking at you going, you have destroyed my log!

You and I both know what I did there,

and you can never tell anyone.

I am the winner here.

"Ah ah ah ah ah!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The question I was looking for is,

how much will now be invested in developing the site

of Britain's first super-casino?

This is the news that the city of Manchester, the 16-to-1 outsider,

won the race to become the site of the country's first

Las Vegas-style super-casino.

£265 million pounds will be spent in a run-down area of the city.

One thing we know for sure is that people in Blackpool

will be hanging themselves today,

whether or not they've heard about the super-casino.

Hey, don't you clap that.

I'm telling you now, right, you just... It's like oxygen to him.

Be a good idea to maybe start off...

It's like oxygen to the flame, ladies and gentlemen,

if you keep doing that. I'll throw a few more briquettes on.

What? One at a time, all right?

A more professional host would do this in a sweeter way,

but would you fucking calm the fuck down, the lot of you, right?

We've got plenty of time. Ed Byrne, what did you want to say?

Will you at least wait till I've finished speaking?

-It isn't, "Ed Byrne..."

-It doesn't...

-"..what did you want to say?" is it?

-It doesn't go...

Ed, what did you want to say?

It doesn't matter.

-Can I jump in...

-No! Shut up.

This is great, I'm loving this.

You go. No, you shut up! No, you go.

A class of children today, I don't know what's up with you all.

I've written the word "boobless" on my calculator.

Ed, I apologise, what did you want to say?

-It's really not worth it now.

-Fine. Right. Well, we shall move on!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The topic is Scotland.

I have this covered.

Is that your image of Scotland there?

You know that that's three English blokes at a wedding?

Do you remember years ago when they were making Braveheart,

everyone said, "Oh, it's ridiculous Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy,

"that's not going to be very convincing."

And look at him now - an alcoholic racist!

The most Scottish thing I've ever seen,

I was going through a town called Bathgate,

at about half past 11 at night

and there was a guy pissing against a front door.

He then took out his keys and went inside.

Frankie Boyle, ladies and gentlemen.

My favourite story during the week of the procession of the torch,

the endless procession of the torch is Jill Makinson-Sanders,

who's the Mayor of a town called Louth in Lincolnshire,

who decided, as the torch passed through her town, to dress up

as one of the local products of the town of Louth in Lincolnshire.

The town apparently is famous for its sausages.

Here's how she tried to dress up to welcome the torch.

And she ran alongside the torch, ran alongside the torch,

as a giant penis, down the streets screaming...

-It looks like you!

-It does not look like me!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Nothing like... my arms do not start above my chin, like that.

-I love that...

-No, that's for...

-The 100th programme

and the first time we've been heckled by the audience.

"You look like a penis sausage."

"You look like a giant penis sausage."

Do you want to... You probably can do some clever directorial thing,

just to disprove the fact that I look...you know, can be done?

You see, just to scotch the rumours

that I look like anything like a six-foot-tall penis sausage.

HUGH: Oh, look, there.

Nothing like that.

-CHRIS:

-Hold your cards up.

HUGH: Other hand, other hand.

Teeth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar.

The next topic is...

Is it just me or does it all feel a bit wobbly?

Due to a double booking, England's first match is against Simply Red.

Ladies and gentlemen, James Blunt!

CHEERS AND WHOOPS

Welcome to the 2008 Cup Final.

So if you could all make your way to the coaches,

we're on our way to Cardiff.

And all for the same price as building a rope ladder

between the Earth and Jupiter.

Can Mr Bin Laden report to lost property, please?

Mr Bin Laden.

And who knows, maybe here, one day, with the right linesman,

England can cheat their way to another World Cup victory.

And maybe one day, with the right bunch of hooligans from Scotland,

these goal posts can get trashed all over again.

It cost £100 million to demolish Wembley.

If you'd had your last game against Scotland,

we'd have done it for nothing.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd