Episode 12 Mock the Week


Episode 12

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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# Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world News of the world. #

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APPLAUSE # Read all about it

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# Read all about it

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# News of the world

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# News of the world. #

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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain.

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Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Miles Jupp,

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Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called Headliners.

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Here's Defence Secretary Liam Fox and the Prime Minister on a recent trip,

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but what does FSRC stand for?

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Is it in fact the four words that describe the pair of them?

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Feckless, spineless, reckless, clueless?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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No. No, it's not.

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LAUGHTER

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Is this Liam Fox's way of making Cameron forget the whole thing,

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is it, Fox Slips Rohypnol into Coffee?

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LAUGHTER

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Is it, Fiver Says the Recession Continues?

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LAUGHTER

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Is it, outside the window, Frankly Stevenage Requires Camouflage?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Is it Feargal Sharkey and Richard Clayderman?

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I haven't got my glasses on!

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Is it a professional qualification?

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Are they both Fellows of the Society of Right Cocks?

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We're just going for abuse now, are we?

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Is it Frank Spencer and Roy Castle?

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-LAUGHTER

-Stop not recognising them!

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Somebody tell him who they actually are!

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-OK, is it Frank Sinatra and Ray Charles?

-No!

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It's not just two names of any random people that begin FS and RC.

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-You say that...

-Quite simply, is it,

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Fox Sake, Resign, Come on?!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Is it...Frank Sidebottom and Rita Coolidge?

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-LAUGHTER

-It's not...two people!

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Facebook Status: Relationship's Complicated.

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LAUGHTER

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OK...

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Please, I'll give you a clue, F stands for Fox.

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Fox Scandal Rocks Conservatives.

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-Thank you very much, Hugh.

-APPLAUSE

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The answer I was looking for was Fox Scandal Rocks Conservatives.

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Defence Secretary Liam Fox has been forced to explain his conduct

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following allegations that his working relationship

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with best friend and former flatmate Adam Werritty broke the ministerial code.

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Dr Fox faces a storm over the affair and has apologised to the House.

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Why is Dr Fox in trouble?

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He's in trouble because his best man, his best mate,

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has been using a card which says, "Advisor to Liam Fox."

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And you're thinking, if he was genuinely an advisor to Liam Fox,

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he is the worst advisor ever.

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Cos his first bit of advice should be

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"You should be having nothing to do with me,

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"I'm really gonna knacker your career."

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What's his name?

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Adam Werritty.

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It's very difficult not to say that as Adam Wew-itty!

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All day, I've been doing it like he's Elmer Fudd.

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-"Adam Wewitty!"

-LAUGHTER

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"Where is the Fox? I am Adam Wewitty!"

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He's been taking Werritty to meetings with him.

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The worry is that'll spread through Government.

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Imagine if David Cameron had a useless bloke that HE took to meetings with him.

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LAUGHTER

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Wouldn't it be great if all of this had come to light because someone had gone through Fox's bins(?)

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Fox has been doing that classic thing of acting all surprised.

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"There appears to have been some wrongdoing."

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He seems surprised that Werritty was there.

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I'm beginning to suspect that Fox actually thought Werritty was his imaginary friend!

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The surprise that the rest of us can see him -

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"What? You can see him too? Can you see the giant rabbit?

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"Forget I mentioned it!"

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How did he explain his presence at meetings?

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He's meeting Sri Lankan trade delegations, and they're going,

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-HEAVILY ACCENTED:

-"Hello, you are...? And who is he?"

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-Are they played by Mickey Rooney(?)

-They are!

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"Harro! We from Sri Ranka!

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"We don't really know what people from Sri Lanka sound like -

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"but this is foreign...!" LAUGHTER

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They must have had a meeting with the Secretary of State for Defence

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and went, "Who this guy?" and he went, "He's a friend." "OK!"

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What did he do, sit at the end of the couch quietly?

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"Don't mind me, I'm Wewitty!"

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LAUGHTER

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I think that's just the noise he makes - "Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty..."

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No, I'd imagine his catchphrase is, "I'll just be here."

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And then occasionally leaning forward and going, "Do you have another Jaffa Cake?"

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-LAUGHTER

-The Sri Lankans going, "Jaffa Cake...?"

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"Jaffa Cake? We no hear of Jaffa Cake!"

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"Strange foreign cake!"

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And then they go to the meeting

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and you can hear every time the door opens... "Jaffa Cake!"

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LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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They're furiously Googling "Jaffa Cake"!

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They invent a Jaffa Cake from first principles. "Jam? What jam?!"

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He's just there stuffing his face!

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"Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty!"

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We can only speculate that this is the way the meetings went.

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LAUGHTER

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Liam Fox has set up his own investigation, at the Ministry of Defence, into his own conduct.

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I hope he asks himself some pretty tough questions!

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He's basically got his mate from the MoD to investigate himself.

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So this guy, or whoever's doing the investigation, will not be allowed to find anything wrong.

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If they do, they'll wake up in Guantanamo.

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Surrounded by four Asian lads from Birmingham going, "At least you know what you're in here for,

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"we've been here since we were five." LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Where was he meeting Adam "Wewitty"?

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-He met Adam Werritty in places like Dubai.

-Yes.

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People seem surprised that he may have embarrassed Liam Fox,

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but he is Liam Fox's best man.

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That is what best men do.

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He's just extended the best man's speech over a number of years.

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Liam Fox was lucky, when he turned up at this meeting in Dubai,

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that in fact he was fully clothed, not handcuffed to the desk covered in foam!

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"Do you have any shaving foam?" "Shaving foam...?!"

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"I have Jaffa Cake!"

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"Jaffa Cake, shaving foam!"

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He's one of those friends that just comes along, whether you want them or not.

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I bet he was there on the honeymoon, with Liam Fox's wife going, "I can't do it with Adam in the room."

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"Wewitty, Wewitty, Wewitty!" LAUGHTER

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"You carry on..."

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What he's done is take a friend to work.

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That's not actually a crime, is it, Mr Truffles? What's that...?

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Do you want to say hello to the boys and girls? "No, I'm depressed."

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-HUGH:

-I don't know why...

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LAUGHTER

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If you hadn't got that joke in,

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how long would you have kept the carrot in your pocket?

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It's been there since the last series.

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LAUGHTER

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We've all got work for our best man, haven't we? Who was your best man?

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It was Ed Byrne, but I'm not saying that he got...

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He's never appeared on Mock The Week, has he(?)

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In an independent role! He doesn't walk around as "comedian's friend"!

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There should be an inquiry into this, Dara.

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What animal has caused tensions to rise within the Conservative Party recently?

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Is it a cat?

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It was a cat. Yes, it was a cat.

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This is the cat, with its owner Camilo Soria and Frank Trew. Any idea why Maya was so important?

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This was the idea that the judge had said

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he could only stay in the country because he owned a cat.

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He being Camilo Soria, on the left.

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Turned out it was obviously a lie.

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It's important to shatter that myth,

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otherwise in fact everybody coming into this country

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will be trying to buy a cat so they can stay here.

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Yes. Who told the lie?

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-Theresa May.

-Theresa May, yes.

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We have in fact ten million cats already in this country,

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and they kill 300 million creatures a year, including 55 million birds.

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They are evil bastards.

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Cats do show a level of commitment. When we had a cat when I was a kid,

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this cat ate a ball of nylon string.

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It was about three years old.

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The string unravelled in its stomach, and came out in its poo.

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Whenever it pooed, it came out like a string of sausages.

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LAUGHTER

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I was very young, but all I can remember every morning

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is my dad with a pair of scissors, going...

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LAUGHTER

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It went on for months! Just lifting the...

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LAUGHTER

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I'll just explain,

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Camilo Soria is a Bolivian who fought deportation after committing a crime.

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He was up for a deportation partially cos he stole from Debenhams.

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That's a bit unfair - you can't get more British than stealing and looting.

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-What did he steal?

-He stole a porcelain cat!

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-He did.

-One of those ones that could wave bye-bye to him.

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LAUGHTER

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As he left at the airport.

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I used to farm cats, and let me tell you,

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their eggs don't taste nearly as chocolatey as they look.

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LAUGHTER

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OK. The points go to Miles, Andi and Andy.

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APPLAUSE

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Now we play a round called Quantitative Teasing.

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This game involves Milton, Miles and Andi,

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so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

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This round is our stand-up challenge.

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I launch the wheel of news and, wherever it stops,

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one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

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Let's spin the wheel.

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Television. Who wants to come in on television?

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-I'll take that one.

-Andi.

-Very good...

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OK. So I get fed up with how much reality TV shows

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are on at the moment.

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Like, The Only Way Is Essex really just did my noodle in.

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The fact that they won a BAFTA. I mean, what for -

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Best Foreign Language film?

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LAUGHTER

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You can imagine it - "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up."

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And underneath it just says, "I'm incredulous at what you've just said."

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LAUGHTER

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And thank God now X Factor's moved away from the audition stages,

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torturing those poor people.

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You watch them rock up in the early stages - "Hello, what's your name?"

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-"Gonorrhoea!"

-LAUGHTER

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"And what's that you are wearing?"

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"It's a waistcoat I've knitted from my own pubes."

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All right, lovely. And the weird thing about X Factor is,

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it's making bigger stars of the judges than the contestants.

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I was watching Cheryl Cole on Piers Morgan's Life Stories.

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I got really angry because I was listening to her talking about

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"being in Africa and my fight with malaria".

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I got so angry, and then I remembered malaria's a disease,

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it's not the name of another toilet attendant she's been kicking the shit out of!

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APPLAUSE

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Yeah.

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All I'll say is this - if she likes hitting black people so much

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maybe she should go out with Chris Brown, see how that works out for her!

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-Thank you very much, Andi!

-APPLAUSE

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OK, let's spin the wheel again.

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The subject is hospitals. Who wants to come in...? Miles.

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Hospitals. I can understand why some people

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think that they're a good idea...

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LAUGHTER

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I really dislike them.

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I think hospitals are terrifying places to be.

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I have had several general anaesthetics over the last year so I'm terrified of them.

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They are grey buildings full of people who are dead,

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about to be, overworked, stressed out

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or asking for change for the car parking facilities.

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I can't understand, therefore, why even today we have this thing

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where...the idea that a nurse's uniform is considered sexy.

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I've got no doubt that lots and lots of nurses themselves

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are unbelievable creatures, but the idea...

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Yet if you wander into a sex shop, either deliberately, or you might

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have some sort of job that involves touring, you've constantly got to go and ask directions in places...

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LAUGHTER

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People are buying nurses' uniforms as a sexy outfit.

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What is sexy about a nurse's uniform? Surely a nurse's uniform just screams "hospital" at you.

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Who's at home going, "Darling, could you dress up as a nurse for me tonight?

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"I want you to remind me of when I had a length of my bowel removed."

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LAUGHTER

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"Would you do that for me, would you?

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"Go on, put that on, act like a naughty nurse."

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A naughty nurse is one that doesn't wash their hands!

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LAUGHTER

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Perhaps smothers you with a pillow, having subtly encouraged you to alter your will.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much, Miles.

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OK, that leaves us with Milton. Let's spin the wheel.

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It's travel.

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Away you go.

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Keep Britain Tidy.

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Chop off Norfolk and Cornwall.

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LAUGHTER

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People from New Zealand don't like being called Australian, do they? Oh, no!

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What people from Britain don't realise is it's a separate culture,

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there's a great big sea between the two places.

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What people from New Zealand don't realise is, we in Britain...

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don't care.

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LAUGHTER

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I've just come back from Holland.

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When I was there I was in a fish restaurant.

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A bloke on the table next to me began to cough so I ignored him.

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Then he began to cough a bit more so I still ignored him.

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Then he began to choke really badly,

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so in the end I stood up and smacked him on the back.

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Anyway, it turns out he was just speaking Dutch.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That works with Welsh as well.

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LAUGHTER

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You have to admire the Dutch cos what they've done

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is legalise drugs, so there are far fewer people in prison.

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I suppose the next step is to legalise murder.

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There'll be far, far fewer people...

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in general.

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LAUGHTER

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Sometimes, though, it's difficult to know if you remember something

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or you remember the photograph of something.

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My earliest memory is of being in America,

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standing over an air vent and my skirt billowing up...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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That's all! Thank you, goodnight!

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Well done.

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Points there to Milton Jones. Come on back!

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Our next round is called

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If This Is The Answer What Is The Question?

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On the board are six categories. Andi, which category would you like?

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-Sport, please.

-OK, your category is sport. The answer is...

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What is the question?

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Is it, "What is the worst Earth, Wind & Fire tribute act on the circuit today?"

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LAUGHTER

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Is it, "What were the News of the World after stories about

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"when they hacked Snow White's phone?"

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LAUGHTER

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"Why did Gandalf go missing for so long in Lord Of The Rings?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Is it, "What's under this desk?"

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Is it, "What's under this desk and eating a carrot at the moment?"

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That ain't no carrot!

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Is it, "What are the three badges they've introduced

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"to stem the decline in membership at the Cubs?"

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LAUGHTER

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Is it, "What is the most common mishearing of Dutch Prime Minister Boos Blundendworf's name?"

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LAUGHTER

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Is it, "What was on the conveyor belt in The Generation Game: Too Hot For TV?"

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LAUGHTER

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Is it the contents of the best ever Kinder Egg?

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Is it things Ashley Cole's been sick on?

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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All based on facts, people.

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Is it, "What are Carrie Fisher's main recollections

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"of filming Return Of The Jedi?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Is it, "Name three reasons cited in the recent

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"Krankie vs Krankie divorce case"?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Is it, "What were the three weirdest things that MPs tried to claim expenses for?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Anyone know what the correct answer is?

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Probably, "What have the England rugby team been involved with?"

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That is close enough. That's absolutely fine.

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APPLAUSE

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The question I was looking for is,

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"What might the England team be best remembered for after this year's Rugby World Cup?"

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England's campaign came to an end on Saturday

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when they were knocked out in the quarterfinal by France in a 19-12 defeat,

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that saw a number of on- and off-pitch scandals,

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with the team's boozy night out at a club featuring dwarf-throwing

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attracting widespread criticism in the press.

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And unbelievably hilarious nonetheless.

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It wasn't just dwarfs, it was "leprechaun night".

0:18:200:18:24

I feel sorry for the dwarves. They've had it up to...

0:18:240:18:27

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:270:18:30

There were problems as well cos one of them jumped off a ferry.

0:18:340:18:38

-Yeah, Manu Tui...

-Tuilagi.

0:18:380:18:41

-"Langi."

-Well, there's no N in there, if you want to...

0:18:410:18:44

-That's his pronunciation of it.

-Yeah, cos you speak fluent Samoan!

0:18:440:18:48

Samoan, I do.

0:18:480:18:49

LAUGHTER

0:18:490:18:51

Hang on, why would I need to speak fluent Samoan? He's English!

0:18:510:18:55

The thing is, he says he's English, but he is in fact Samoan, he just owns a cat.

0:18:550:18:59

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:590:19:02

In other news, what might we face this winter?

0:19:050:19:07

-Winter.

-Yes!

0:19:070:19:09

That is genuinely the big news this week.

0:19:100:19:12

Apparently winter is coming this winter, and we should watch out for it.

0:19:120:19:15

Cos it might come as a huge surprise to people.

0:19:150:19:17

They're worried about this lack of solar activity

0:19:170:19:20

cos they're saying that last year we had a very cold December,

0:19:200:19:23

coldest for 100 years. A lot of our airports were closed.

0:19:230:19:27

Whilst, in fact, the airports in Alaska and Moscow were still open.

0:19:270:19:30

They're saying what we should get is a heated runway.

0:19:300:19:33

Environmentally, that's got to be terrible, but also it'd be dangerous, wouldn't it?

0:19:330:19:37

If they're worried about birds flying up into the engines,

0:19:370:19:40

think about it, heated runway -

0:19:400:19:42

there'll be cats curled up all the way along.

0:19:420:19:46

-The other thing we used to do with my cat...

-Oh, Jeez!

0:19:460:19:48

LAUGHTER

0:19:480:19:51

It wasn't, wait till he'd had a particularly big shit and do some skipping?

0:19:510:19:56

My parents used to take it for a walk...

0:19:560:19:59

They used to take it for a walk on a lead, a 30-foot washing line.

0:19:590:20:03

Is that what he swallowed?

0:20:030:20:05

LAUGHTER

0:20:050:20:06

I almost dread asking this. Where did they take him on a walk?

0:20:090:20:12

Oh, we took it everywhere. We took it on holiday.

0:20:120:20:15

It climbed Pen-y-ghent in the Yorkshire Dales.

0:20:150:20:17

LAUGHTER

0:20:170:20:18

Don't forget, this is on the end of a line. He wasn't willingly...

0:20:200:20:26

Dangling underneath you going, "Miaow! Miaow!"

0:20:260:20:31

Was there a point when there was a washing line halfway into the cat and half out,

0:20:320:20:36

so the cat had 15 metres, and then...

0:20:360:20:39

LAUGHTER

0:20:390:20:42

Why have BBC subtitles come under fire this week?

0:20:420:20:46

Because they're wrong.

0:20:460:20:47

They do tend to be. Why do they tend to be wrong?

0:20:470:20:49

The reason that subtitles tend to be wrong - often they're typed live, by people who make mistakes.

0:20:490:20:55

I don't know if you've ever typed when the telly's on. It's distracting.

0:20:550:21:00

LAUGHTER

0:21:000:21:01

They're blaming it on this voice-recognition software, and one of the examples was,

0:21:010:21:06

"Pigs apparently like to nibble anything that comes into their sheds, including wellies."

0:21:060:21:12

That's what was being said. And it came up on screen, instead of wellies,

0:21:120:21:17

"They like nibbling willies."

0:21:170:21:19

That is nothing to do with voice-recognition software -

0:21:190:21:23

that is somebody taking the piss in the BBC subtitle department.

0:21:230:21:26

The Labour leader Ed Miliband has complained he's been referred to on the subtitling as the:

0:21:260:21:32

LAUGHTER

0:21:330:21:35

Viewers were also surprised to see the religious leader visiting a local town was in fact:

0:21:370:21:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:420:21:44

"Ooh, call this a church? I don't think so!"

0:21:480:21:53

CHRIS: I saw that one come up...

0:21:560:21:58

Instead of crossing himself... Exactly, yeah.

0:22:010:22:04

LAUGHTER

0:22:040:22:07

"Ain't no bitch becoming priest in MY church."

0:22:080:22:11

APPLAUSE

0:22:130:22:14

The most famous example was during the Queen Mother's funeral,

0:22:140:22:19

when what should have read, "We'll now have a moment's silence for the Queen Mother" read:

0:22:190:22:23

"Just a moment. Just get it out of your systems!

0:22:280:22:32

"Whoever's nearby, you get one slap. One slap.

0:22:320:22:36

"It's what she would've wanted." Boff!

0:22:360:22:39

They can always use the deaf subtitle-y people, signing people.

0:22:390:22:43

You were doing that?

0:22:430:22:45

Signing people, who are now going "deaf sign-y people" in the corner.

0:22:450:22:49

-I don't think they're just doing that.

-That's deaf for "Bleh".

0:22:490:22:52

I don't know if there's any version of our show that goes out late with signing. I've no idea.

0:22:520:22:57

Maybe YOU can tell me.

0:22:570:22:58

LAUGHTER

0:23:020:23:03

APPLAUSE

0:23:070:23:08

Please, please let that actually happen.

0:23:120:23:16

What might we be tapping our elbows...

0:23:160:23:19

Excuse me, I'll do that again. Why might we be tapping... Oh, for fuck's sake.

0:23:190:23:23

I'd love to see the subtitles coming up at the moment!

0:23:240:23:27

-LAUGHTER

-You and me are through.

0:23:310:23:34

At the end of that round, the points go to Miles, Andi and Andy!

0:23:380:23:41

APPLAUSE

0:23:410:23:42

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

0:23:420:23:45

Everyone make their way over to the performance area, please.

0:23:450:23:49

I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

0:23:490:23:53

Here we go. The first subject is:

0:23:530:23:55

"And, lo, they finally saw the sign that God had promised.

0:24:010:24:06

"You are now leaving Swindon."

0:24:060:24:08

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:080:24:10

"But when they got there, the tomb was empty. 'Rikes!', said Scoob."

0:24:140:24:20

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:200:24:21

"Sodom and Gomorrah, twinned with Tyne and Wear."

0:24:230:24:27

LAUGHTER

0:24:270:24:29

"And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years,

0:24:310:24:36

"until eventually Moses' wife said,

0:24:360:24:38

"'Are you going to ask for directions or what?'"

0:24:380:24:41

LAUGHTER

0:24:410:24:42

"And Eve did realise that she was naked and she was ashamed,

0:24:450:24:50

"but then Gok Wan said, 'Work it, baby, you look amazing!'"

0:24:500:24:53

APPLAUSE

0:24:530:24:56

"Noah said, 'If it carries on raining like this,

0:24:560:24:59

"'we'll have to eat the unicorns.'"

0:24:590:25:01

LAUGHTER

0:25:010:25:04

"And Moses saw the Burning Bush and said to his wife,

0:25:040:25:08

-"'I think you've overdone that bikini wax again.'"

-LAUGHTER

0:25:080:25:12

APPLAUSE

0:25:120:25:14

"And David smote Goliath!

0:25:160:25:18

"He meant to smack him, but he was using predictive text."

0:25:180:25:21

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:210:25:25

"Eve! Eve!

0:25:260:25:30

"Use fig leaves!

0:25:300:25:32

"Not nettles!"

0:25:320:25:34

LAUGHTER

0:25:340:25:36

APPLAUSE

0:25:360:25:38

"And the Lord said,

0:25:380:25:40

"'Shit, I've made a wasp!'"

0:25:400:25:42

LAUGHTER

0:25:420:25:45

APPLAUSE

0:25:450:25:48

"And Jesus saw a traveller in distress and said unto him,

0:25:490:25:53

"'Why don't you just leave Dale Farm and find somewhere else to live?'"

0:25:530:25:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:560:25:59

"And the Lord said to Gideon,

0:25:590:26:02

"'Take this book and put it in every Travelodge.'"

0:26:020:26:05

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:050:26:07

"Listen, this is really awkward - I know there's a queue,

0:26:100:26:13

"but I'm not a really big fan of fish! Eugh!"

0:26:130:26:17

LAUGHTER

0:26:170:26:20

"There were only five loaves and two fishes.

0:26:220:26:25

"Never go to Lidl on a Saturday night!"

0:26:250:26:28

LAUGHTER

0:26:280:26:30

OK. The next topic, please.

0:26:300:26:32

Unlikely things to hear in a makeover show.

0:26:320:26:36

Welcome to What Not To Wear.

0:26:370:26:39

A welly on your cock.

0:26:390:26:41

LAUGHTER

0:26:410:26:43

This week's Look Good Naked, starring Edwina Currie,

0:26:440:26:48

is the last in the series...

0:26:480:26:50

LAUGHTER

0:26:500:26:52

..and was recorded shortly before Gok Wan's suicide.

0:26:520:26:56

LAUGHTER

0:26:560:26:58

-PIRATE VOICE:

-Well, we started off by ripping up all the decking...

0:27:000:27:04

Abandon ship!

0:27:040:27:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:060:27:10

We are going to give you back all your confidence and dignity,

0:27:100:27:15

as soon as we hoover the fat out of your arse.

0:27:150:27:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:170:27:20

Michelle has got jowls, false teeth, and, in fact, a moustache,

0:27:210:27:27

but unfortunately, we're here to do up her front room, not her face.

0:27:270:27:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:320:27:33

David and Jane wanted more space,

0:27:350:27:38

so we've repossessed their house and they're living in the park.

0:27:380:27:42

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:420:27:44

We've pebble-dashed, replastered and put new plumbing in downstairs,

0:27:450:27:50

and now Anne Robinson is good as new.

0:27:500:27:53

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:530:27:55

Welcome to 60 Minute Makeover...

0:27:550:27:58

Ooh, babe, actually, that's going to take a lot longer!

0:27:580:28:01

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:010:28:03

If you want to feel better-looking and increase your self-esteem,

0:28:030:28:07

move to Leeds.

0:28:070:28:09

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:090:28:12

And today on Property Ladder,

0:28:130:28:15

we're going to show you how to break into a property using a ladder.

0:28:150:28:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:21

You're obviously sensitive about your weight and you shouldn't be.

0:28:230:28:27

Do you mind if I call you lard-arse?

0:28:270:28:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:31

Well, Ian wanted a Renaissance look,

0:28:330:28:36

so I've just set fire to a Catholic and taken a shit out of the window.

0:28:360:28:40

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:400:28:42

Talking of decking, who wants to punch Nick Knowles in the face?

0:28:450:28:49

LAUGHTER

0:28:490:28:51

Today on 10 Years Younger, we're going to try and squeeze

0:28:520:28:56

nine-year-old Amy back up her mother's womb.

0:28:560:29:00

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:000:29:02

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton!

0:29:070:29:11

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:29:110:29:14

And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are

0:29:150:29:19

Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Miles Jupp.

0:29:190:29:20

CHEERING

0:29:200:29:23

Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones!

0:29:240:29:28

CHEERING

0:29:280:29:30

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.

0:29:300:29:34

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:440:29:48

E-mail [email protected]

0:29:480:29:51

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