Episode 13 Mock the Week

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world, news of the world

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world, news of the world

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Dara O'Briain. Merry Christmas.

You know, this isn't really the time of year for biting satire and hard-hitting political comment.

It's a time to family, togetherness and joy.

So we've put together this special festive show featuring some seasonal chat,

some best bits and a sack full of hilarious unseen material.

So sit back, relax and enjoy it. Until next year, you look after yourself now.

LAUGHTER

Yvonne the cow has been discovered on a German farmer's field.

This is the biggest story in Germany this summer.

Yvonne the cow was going to an abattoir but escaped from the abattoir

and ran off into the wild. This is the kind of image they had of Yvonne.

-They couldn't see her for months but occasionally, in the distance...

-Did they get that from a B&B?

-It's the kind of art you have in a bedroom in a shit bed and breakfast.

-LAUGHTER

Are you sure that isn't... Is that not Harry Potter's Patronus?

LAUGHTER It is a beautiful story, though, because they've captured her,

they're taking her back, looking after her and they've given her a job presenting Loose Women.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're a bit worried she might be a bit highbrow, but they're just going to rein her in a little.

"I don't know why ze bulls don't put ze seat down and it pisses me off!"

-LAUGHTER

-"What ze hell is that, Linda?" "I don't know."

-How did they try to catch her?

-Well, it's tragic.

They... She was missing for three months, so they put her picture on a milk carton, but no-one noticed.

LAUGHTER

They.... I don't know. I don't know how you find a cow.

LAUGHTER

Nightclub, 2am, love.

-Where did they find her?

-They sent bull noises, they played bull noises into the forest.

-They had an actual bull.

-Did they?

-Yeah, they used a real bull.

It stood there playing Barry White CDs.

-LAUGHTER

-# Bo, bo-bo-bo-bo-bovine

How do you make a bull make bull noises?

-Squeeze its balls.

-Yeah. Moooooo!

-LAUGHTER

-Mooooooo!

-That works.

No, they didn't, it just turned up on a farm.

And she's now in an animal sanctuary. She's not going to be slaughtered.

-She's been reunited with her two-year-old son.

-LAUGHTER

-Also a cow.

-Actually, he's a packet of burgers.

-LAUGHTER

-They've glued his face on.

-LAUGHTER

-Big bag of veal.

-APPLAUSE

-"Oh, your son is delicious."

LAUGHTER My mum would love that above the fireplace, that picture.

-LAUGHTER

-OK, at the end of that round,

possibly the weirdest round we've ever done...

The story we should've done is the story of that poor pensioner who complained to the Post Office

that his letters weren't being delivered and it was pointed out to him that for three years

he'd be posting them into a red dog-poo bin.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And now we come to our special Christmas quiz.

I ask the panellists a series of questions about the festive season

in the hope of filling five minutes of our Christmas special.

-LAUGHTER

-So, teams, here we go.

First question, what Christmas tradition was... Note, there are no buzzers or any points.

This show is not built in any way to accommodate genuine quizzes. But you can take your turns.

Which Christmas tradition was inaugurated by Sir Henry Cole in 1843?

-Is it the Christmas tree?

-It is not the Christmas tree.

-Arguing with your relatives?

-No, it's not that one either.

Is it holding mistletoe above your head and being allowed to sexually harass other people?

-It is not that happy tradition, no.

-Is it waking your children early, saying to them,

-"It looks like the sleeping pills have worked. Happy Easter"?

-LAUGHTER

Is it going to church just once a year

and that's usually at midnight after the pubs have closed

cos you want one more glass of wine? LAUGHTER

Man, you'd really want to be desperate for your wine, wouldn't you?

That's something to bring up at an AA meeting. I sat through God.

That's how much I wanted another drink.

-Is it Christmas stockings?

-No.

-That's a Victorian tradition.

-Were you trying to mime something there for us?

-Ahh!

-Christmas carols!

-Yes! Well done, Ed Burn, point for him.

-APPLAUSE

-There are no points!

-I know there are no points!

-You promised us no points.

Name Santa's reindeer. I'll take attempts at this.

-Donna and Blitzen.

-Correct.

-Prancer and Vixen.

-That's two each.

-Dasher.

-Yes.

-It's like they're doing a duet!

But not Rudolph, that's a lie.

-What have we had? I'm lost.

-Donna and Blitzen we had.

-Dasher, Comet.

-Bashful.

-Yeah, Bashful, Sleepy,

-Doc.

-If one's called Comet, one's going to be called Currys.

-LAUGHTER

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Vixen, Cupid...

-Cupid!

-Nobody said Cupid.

-What a ridiculous name for a reindeer. Cupid?

They must have teased him with a name like that. He must have been the reindeer they teased.

-LAUGHTER

-Reindeer are notoriously shallow.

If the story about Rudolph is anything to go by,

reindeer are ridiculously shallow

and they will make fun and slag you off until you get a job with Santa and then they will all love you.

That last line of that song should actually be,

"Then Rudolph said to them, "Fuck yous, I'm with Santa now".

-Merry Christmas, everyone.

-"Why don't you look at my ass for the entire...

-"Why don't we fly round the entire world while you look at my hole?"

-LAUGHTER

"No matter how fast you fly, it's all you'll see. Ho-ho-ho.

"All you're going to see is my hairy reindeer ass going all around the world.

"The nose is in the front, bitches.

"The nose is fighting fog while you're looking at my ass, Cupid, and that's all you'll get!"

-Enjoy your reindeer games.

-LAUGHTER

Can we move on? Oh, sorry, is that not festive enough for this ridiculously contrived...

Sorry, am I not striking the mood of the nation at this stage?

"Yeah, bitches, look at that ass!"

-LAUGHTER

-# I see you, baby, shaking that ass

-# Shaking that ass

-APPLAUSE Good night!

Ho-ho-ho.

In other news, what is the Bank of England doing to improve the UK's dire economic situation?

-Bring and buy sale.

-Yes, a massive, global bring and buy sale. No.

Quantitative easing. It's very difficult to say. "Quantitatatative easing."

And George Osborne said in 2009,

"Quantitative easing is the last resort of a desperate government

"when all other policies have failed."

-Well remembered. He did.

-Yeah. So it's fantastic that he had such foresight back in 2009

to know what a crap chancellor he was about to become. LAUGHTER

-Who announced the quantitative easing?

-Mervyn King announced it.

-I genuinely get confused between Mervyn King and Marvin Gaye.

-LAUGHTER

Every time I hear Mervyn King, I think, "Didn't he do I Heard It Through The Grapevine?"

-LAUGHTER

-Is that wrong?

I always think that Mervyn King doesn't look so much like a man as a mole who has burrowed out of a suit.

LAUGHTER

Mervyn King said, "This is the worst recession ever, the worst financial crisis ever".

The word ever, whenever you put it on the end of a sentence, just makes you sound like a petulant teenager.

This is the worst financial crisis ever! I hate you! I wish I'd never been born!

LAUGHTER The thing about this QE is

they're worried exactly where the money will go, what the banks will do with it.

The government are hoping that it will go to small businesses.

Or as they used to be called, large businesses.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know how much growth the UK's gone through in the last...

-0.01 percent.

-0.1 percent growth.

-And that is all down to Adele.

-LAUGHTER

If she hadn't released that album, there'd have been no growth at all.

Times are hard and I didn't think that I'd get a loan from the bank for my knitting business.

I found if I actually turned up wearing a balaclava...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The problem with quantitative easing is they want to pump £75 billion into the economy.

And that's literally printing more money. That means your money is worth less.

This is the second time they've done it. Every time, your money is worth less.

I think every time they do it, the queen should be wearing shittier and shittier clothes

-until eventually she's just in Primark leggings and a scrunchy.

-LAUGHTER

With a fag hanging out of her mouth.

"The governor of the Bank of England promises to pay you fuck all, mates."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Our next round is called News Reel. We play a recent piece of footage featuring people from the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said. This week features David Cameron.

"Well, they said this was the place to go for the world leaders' party,

"but there doesn't seem to be anyone around. That's a bit strange. Never mind.

"Oh, look, a long corridor. Lots of cameras. Oh, my God, I think I may be entering the Big Brother house.

"Never mind, I hope they've got the housemates I wanted, Stacey Solomon, Ian Beale and H from Steps."

-"Ah, Merry Christmas everybody, I'm Angela, Bavaria's next big model."

-LAUGHTER

"Yes, I used to be a world leader but not any more."

-"I've come to read the meter, it's over there, yeah."

-LAUGHTER

"Ah, bonjour, how are you?

-"Oh, my God, even the Chinese are taller than me."

-LAUGHTER

"Maybe I should start wearing Carla's heels. I tell you a secret, I'm already wearing her panties."

"Look, you'll enjoy this, look at that, that's one of our riots.

"Yes, it could be Kabul. Yes."

"Hey, big fella, how you doing? Merry Christmas, how was your year, yeah?"

"Well, it wasn't bad actually."

"I personally tracked down and killed the world's most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden.

"There was no footage released because I did it on my own, yeah, I did.

"All me, bang! I got him. Yep. That's me. Yep.

"So, has anyone given you a Christmas box?"

"Well, unfortunately no, I was hoping to get one with Nick Clegg's head in it."

"Yeah, that's me, I got Osama, yeah. I killed him, bare hands.

"Yeah, no joking. Yeah, that's me."

"Someone has dropped a curtain on me but from where?"

"I'm not going to drink any of the tap water. I think David Walliams might have been swimming in it."

-"Yeah, it was me, bare hands, one blow."

-LAUGHTER

"Er, yeah, presents? I want a step ladder."

"Now, it's Ben Kingsley, isn't it?"

"Ah, lovely to see you, Mr Cameron.

"Come and sit down here. Please, make yourself comfortable."

"Well, thank you very much. I think there's great scope for cooperation between our two nations.

"I think we can move forward together in the future. If I can say just one thing to you, er, simples."

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much, Hugh!

-Why should it be illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas day?

-Cos they're fucking minging.

LAUGHTER

-Why... Are they actually mince?

-No, you can go really badly wrong with that.

It's mincemeat, which is a mixture of vileness, vomit, tears, disappointment and lemon peel.

-LAUGHTER

-As opposed to meat.

Like many things about Christmas, it sounds fun and it's a massive disappointment.

-Why should it be illegal though?

-Because they contain swan.

-No, it's not because they contain swan.

It's because well-known friend of the Irish Oliver Cromwell banned them in the 17th century

and the law has never been rescinded.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-You're fairly safe because you're unlikely to meet a roundhead now.

-LAUGHTER

-In Tesco. I've been there lots. I've never seen one, have you?

It depends whether Dara's shopping there or not.

LAUGHTER

-HE COUGHS

-Sorry.

-Oh, God.

The humour of that situation was reduced by me dying of TB.

Just gob it out, Dara, gob it out.

I'm not just going to gob it out.

Remember when people used to do a big gob on the floor and say, "Pick the bones out of that one."

-LAUGHTER

-Those were great days, weren't they?

LAUGHTER

How have the three main party leaders fared in a recent poll?

-Well, quite badly. It was a survey, wasn't it?

-It was a survey of sorts, yes.

Are you... Would you like me to get you a consumption doctor?

-LAUGHTER

-You're such an Irish stereotype, look at you, dying of consumption.

LAUGHTER

-That's so cold.

-You wait till the famine kicks in.

-LAUGHTER

How have the three main party leaders fared in a recent poll?

-Well, was it a poll?

-It's a poll, a survey...

-It's a focus group. Lord Ashcroft ran a focus group

in which he got people to identify leaders of each of the parties with particular animals,

so Cameron was a lion, Miliband was a dog, Clegg was a kitten,

which is fair enough, because those three things are never going to clear up their own shit.

LAUGHTER

If Cameron was compared to a lion, what we want to know is,

does that make Theresa May the witch, and Eric Pickles the wardrobe?

-LAUGHTER

-He was a sheep, as well. He was a kitten, a sheep or a mouse.

But when they said he reminded them of a bulldog, you know, obviously the Tory party are now saying,

"Sturdy, powerful, British." Whereas people might have meant stupid, dangerous, inbred.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you personally wanted to be an animal, there's nothing wrong with being a sheep, is there?

-No, no, no.

-I would like to be a sheep...

-LAUGHTER

-..because if you are a sheep, humans will still speak to you.

-LAUGHTER

Watch. Bah!

AUDIENCE: Bah!

-APPLAUSE

-Bah!

OK, OK, OK. Let's consider the point proven and not begin a dialogue.

-Bah!

-AUDIENCE: Bah!

-I'm just going to see if they follow me.

-LAUGHTER

Doesn't that work with any animal?

No, don't... No, we're not doing this!

-LAUGHTER

-We are not going to...

-Ooh!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

What's that?

-What do you mean, what was that? That was an owl!

-If you go past a duck pond and you don't go...

HE QUACKS ..you have started to die.

LAUGHTER

I thought Clegg could've turned being compared to a mouse to his advantage,

because mice traditionally gnaw through cables, don't they?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought... I just...

I like the idea of people walking into Clegg's office and Vince Cable has literally been chewed in half.

He's standing there going, "Yeah, who's a mouse now?" LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, if you received all of the gifts listed in the 12 days of Christmas,

how many presents would you receive?

-Almost as many as in the Argos catalogue.

-LAUGHTER

-84.

-No.

-96.

-68.

-No.

-No.

-Is it 12 plus 11 plus...

-No, it's not.

Do socks count as one or two gifts?

-It's a misreading of the thing.

-No, it's not a misreading.

On the 11th day, I received all the shite I'd received the other days, I got them again,

-and I got an extra thing. That's the way the song works.

-Wait, I know this one.

-There was only one person going to St Ives because...

-LAUGHTER

-Er, no, actually you would receive 364.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-That's interesting.

HE SNORES

A couple of years ago, I performed at the Royal Variety Performance and it was in December,

and the producer said, "You should talk about Christmas in Australia."

I said, "Why?" They said, "Cos it's hot." I went, "Yeah?" They went, "Oh, hilarious!"

So because of them, I went, "Hello, your Majesty, my name's Adam and I'm going back to Australia tomorrow

"so I can have a real Christmas." And got the same response you guys just gave.

I went, "You know, a real Christmas, where we have Santa and a sun tan." HE GASPS

And I just thought, "Oh, my God, what happens if you die on stage in front of the Queen?"

Then I thought, "She'll probably send me to Australia." LAUGHTER

Then afterwards in the line-up, the Queen came round and shook people's hands, she came to me and said,

"I enjoyed your show" I said, "Thank you". She made an accidental back-handed compliment.

She said, "The audience were very helpful, weren't they?" LAUGHTER

Wow! Basically, "You were shit, but we got you over the line."

LAUGHTER

And I didn't know what to say so I went, "Thank you. When one makes the effort to travel so far from London

"the audience appreciate the effort one has gone to." And she went, "What?"

LAUGHTER And she went to walk on

and she looked back at me and she said, "Did you fly here just for this show?"

And I said, "No, I have been in London for a couple of weeks, but I am flying back first thing."

And no kidding, she went, "Oh, yes, so you can have a real Christmas."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Owned by the Queen!

APPLAUSE

-What's going on here?

-That's fantastic.

-Is it an elk shagging a nesting box?

LAUGHTER

-Has that tree got Dutch elk disease?

-AUDIENCE GROAN

LAUGHTER

It's very Christmassy. Is that bloke in the corner saying, "I'm sorry Rudolph, that's an automatic ban."

LAUGHTER

Rudolph survived the crash, but unfortunately Santa really doesn't exist now.

-It's an elk.

-It's a moose.

-Oh, is it? I was hoping it was an elk because he was drunk, wasn't he?

-Yeah, he was a drunk moose.

-He had a terrible hangover, so I was hoping to say,

-how did he get rid of the hangover? Elk-aseltzer.

-LAUGHTER

You can't say it now, you have to say moose-aseltzer.

And moose-aseltzer doesn't work as well.

Is the elk going, "You're right, Brian, I couldn't jump over the tree."

LAUGHTER

The moose is saying, "I'll come quietly officer, well, reasonably quietly,

"I don't know if you've ever heard a moose come, but it's not subtle." LAUGHTER

What is the difference between a moose and an elk anyway? If you can tell that's not an elk.

I can't tell, I was told that was a moose. I can't tell if it's a moose or an elk.

I'm not going, "In my long years of doing the Norwegian Spring Watch,

-"me and Bill Oddie..."

-LAUGHTER

Oh, sorry, this just in, they're the same thing.

LAUGHTER

I think that's too neat.

"They're just the same thing, same thing. Don't confuse people."

-Can I just tell you how that thing got over its hangover, then?

-Yeah.

-Elk-aseltzer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They want you and me to wish them a happy Christmas.

-To wish who a happy Christmas?

-I don't know, the viewers.

Hey, maybe you're watching this on a compilation show that we just bang out. Either way, happy Christmas.

LAUGHTER

-And from me.

-LAUGHTER

This is exciting. Is it just that phrase?

Just that phrase. Wow, OK, let me get this right. In other news...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

It's dog eat dog here, man. LAUGHTER

You're not in Canada now. LAUGHTER

Well, how could this be any less dignified? Oh, yes, if we have to have our heads patted down.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

It's not my T-shirt. My T-shirt didn't work on camera so I got this. It's the lowest V I've ever seen.

-I look like a work in Toni and Guy.

-LAUGHTER

-You try, don't you, Andy?

-Are you having my go?

-Oh, no, no, that's not right.

-It's not right, is it?

-No, come on.

LAUGHTER

-We're not animals.

-LAUGHTER

-I don't want to start hurting people, all right?

-LAUGHTER

-Not that I could, anyway.

-LAUGHTER

-I'll come in again then, Micky.

-Sorry.

-LAUGHTER

-I'll cover you again. I'm not fighting a dinosaur, not for anyone.

-LAUGHTER

-I just wanted to stand here.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no, the Canadian's come in now.

-LAUGHTER

Oh, sorry... Yes, of course I can. You want the magic words "In other news"?

-You know, put that on my gravestone.

-LAUGHTER

What, in other news, Dara is dead.

-No points for Andy.

-LAUGHTER

-Is it...

-No, is it, erm...

-Did you suddenly have a mental lapse there for a moment?

-You know what stopped me? Me hair feels wrong.

-Yeah?

Do you ever have those days when your hair just feels wrong?

-I've had that feeling...

-You get that, where it just feels wrong?

We can pause the entire recording until your hair feels right.

-LAUGHTER

-Could we all come back tomorrow?

LAUGHTER

Could we possibly? How's your hair? Is it all right?

-Yeah, OK.

-I think you're worth it.

-LAUGHTER

Is it, in fact, couple of arseholes follow shitbag?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

These are the ones you clap. Don't come to us. These are the ones you want.

Merry Christmas! LAUGHTER

Ho-ho-ho!

OK, can we go for applause rather than any more points. I can't hand out any more imaginary points now.

We reached the point where I handed you both points,

thus rendering it pointless to hand either of you points at all.

If I give you both points, it's the same thing.

You will let us know if you ever think you're having a breakdown? LAUGHTER

-Christmas story, heart-warming, delightful.

-LAUGHTER

No, there was a Christmas dinner the day after, St Stephen's Day as it's know in Ireland, Boxing Day here,

and it was three generations of one side of the family,

granny, uncles, aunts, the kids, and people started telling jokes

and they were all, "What lies at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck." Cracker-type jokes.

And then my cousin, I was about 11, my cousin was about 12, 13,

he said, "I've got a joke" and they said, "What's the joke?"

and he said, "What's pink and hard and you rub it in the bathroom?"

-LAUGHTER

-And the table went, "fwump!"

-LAUGHTER

-Because all the adults went "Huh!" like that.

And he was the eldest cousin, so everyone below him went, "Ooh, I don't know, that's interesting."

-LAUGHTER

-"It could be many things. Ooh, this is a teaser."

LAUGHTER

And there was a pause and he goes, "A bar of soap".

And every adult went, "Phew!"

-And all the kids went...

-HE TUTS

-LAUGHTER

-"I don't get it. The soap in our house is green for a start."

And that could've been it, except his dad, my uncle, then,

for some crazy reason went, "That's not the real answer, is it?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The first joke I ever told my mother was, and I was about eight and I didn't understand it,

I said, "How do you get to Shepherd's Bush? Up the shepherd's leg."

LAUGHTER

And she sort of ignored it.

LAUGHTER

OK, how much snow has to fall for an official white Christmas...

This is genuinely interesting. ..for an official white Christmas to be declared in the UK?

Ten inches. I checked. LAUGHTER

-It's very little. It's about five centimetres.

-No.

-A flake.

-One flake.

-No!

-Andy Parsons is absolutely correct.

-One flake in the right place.

-APPLAUSE

Oh, but it's Christmas. It's Christmas, so why should one team win

rather than the other team? I declare none of you to be winners.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-None of you. Go back to your homes and study.

OK, the next topic is unlikely things to hear at Christmas.

I'm afraid Granddad's dead. He fell into a bowl of Christmas cake mix.

It sounds unlikely, but under the surface, very strong currants.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's time to drain the 25th vegetable in our advent colander!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bad news, son. Santa's just sent a text.

Apparently, he won't be able to make it until after the sales have started.

LAUGHTER

Your mother has always wanted to be somewhere hot for Christmas,

-so I've chained her to the aga.

-LAUGHTER

Santa's deliveries were much quicker this year

because he didn't have to deliver to the naughty children of Tottenham and Croydon.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, this is embarrassing. The smaller set of underwear is actually for my secretary.

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid Santa wasn't able to bring you a toy train,

so he's brought you a toy replacement bus service.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mum, these are just flattened pieces of cardboard.

This is just an ex-box.

LAUGHTER

No, no. No, no, no, the Wii is yours, darling, it's not granny's.

LAUGHTER

No, Granddad, you kiss under the mistletoe, not the camel toe!

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I haven't got you a present, Grandma, cos Daddy promised you'd be dead.

LAUGHTER

Either we've been burgled or all Dad's got us for Christmas

is a big poo in the middle of the carpet.

LAUGHTER

I got my Christmas presents early this year.

-I looted them in August.

-LAUGHTER

We're turning the Christmas lights on in March.

They're energy-saving bulbs, they should be ready by September.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So I've rubbed goose fat on these,

so if you put your bra back on, grand.

I don't think you'll have to worry about the cold anymore.

LAUGHTER

That's a jumbo sausage roll, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

That means I've eaten the Wii controller.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not shout, I'm telling you why,

Santa Claus is coming to town, he's had a long drive, the last thing he needs is any shit off you two!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Look, I have to say Merry Christmas.

-I literally cannot find it in my heart...

-LAUGHTER

Merry Christmas.

-Bleurgh!

-Thanks, big guy!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd E-mail [email protected]

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