Episode 3 Mock the Week


Episode 3

Dara O Briain, Hugh Dennis and Andy Parsons laugh at another week's news with guests Chris Addison, Stewart Francis and Ava Vidal.


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Transcript


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Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this

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week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Seann Walsh, Chris Addison,

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Stewart Francis and Hugh Dennis. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called Headliners. Here is a picture of

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the Prime Minister and the Deputy Prime Minister. What does GUPC

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stand for? Is it girls, uniforms, patients, Clegg, the Prime

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Minister's favourite things. Geneticists unveil pointless clone.

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Is it Cameron ordering lunch? Is it goose, ugly fruit, fezant and a

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coke. -- fezn't. Is it gormless under achievers punish country.

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Doesn't it look like Ant & Dec have just delivered a baby. When you are

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there ready and it's like hurray! Gay union parade Cameron? Cameron's

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thinking, gloves unnecessary for prostate check. Is it in fact

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genuinely unfunny photo caption? many ways they all are. Is it in

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fact, Government U-turns provoke criticism? Very good. Yes, the

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answer was Government U-turns provoke criticism. This is the news

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that a string of U-turns, including the reversal on sentencing, have

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brought the coalition fresh criticism about the public and

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within the Tory party. A YouGov poll has said 43% of voters fear

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the Government is losing its way. What have the Government changed

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their minds about? The one this week is rubbish collection. They

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said there would be rubbish collections once a week and now

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they've gone back on that. It's going to be once a fortnight. I've

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absolutely no idea why people are worried about taking your bin away

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twice a week because the foxes, if you riv in a city, will take them

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once a night. I said to the rabbit, I should run if I were you. I shall

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have your pelt for smoking... A man by the name of Eric Pickles

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who basically said it was the right of every Englishman to have the

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remnants of his chicken tick that massala to be able to put them in a

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bin without having to wait two weeks to have them collected. Have

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you seen the look of that man? That is... How would he know? There we

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go! That is a man who has no concept of leftovers whatsoever.

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you think though when he said the rem nans, he meant like the tin

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container -- remnants. He would have eaten that, the bag it came

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in... He would have eaten the receipt and the leaflet with the

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new menu on it and the delivery man only got away because he was on a

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moped. Jies nice! Indian take away, you don't put in a bin anyway, you

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put it in the bag you got it in, then you put that next to the bin,

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you don't actually put it in the bin so it doesn't matter. Surely it

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gets in the bin sooner or later. Where does the bag go? I really

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need to clean my house. Do the foxes ring your door bell and go,

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"can we just come in," there's a smell under the door, this place is

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going to be great, "leave for an hour...". It's a big advantage of a

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wheelie bin that you can do a U- turn in it. And race in it. Have

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you ever done that, a race in a wheelie bins? No, I haven't.

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put a child in a wheelie bin. They're quite deep. They don't need

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to be seeing anything. You can have the lids closed. Do you even have

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to move, or do you just close the lid and go "here we go...".

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when they're sick, it's a good job they're in the bin. We are not

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suggesting you put children into a wheelie bin. Don't do it. CHEERING

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AND APPLAUSE What is it, we have had the bin.

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And the nursery milk? That was another one? The nursery milk

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scheme went tits up. Yes, went tits up. What else? Sentencing. Kenneth

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Clarke's had to, he was going to say if you pleaded guilty you were

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going to get 50% off your sentence which, it's a good thing there's no

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death penalty in this country because how is that going to work.

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I sentence you to half death, half life and you are going to have to

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go and live in Leicester. The Daily Mail readers and stuff

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get very upset about the fact that they're not sentencing people to

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long enough in prison. I mean, you ever worked in a prison, no-one

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considers that. I used to work in a prison as a prison officer for five

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years and it's very hard to keep those people entertained, you know.

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They get bored, they cause trouble, a lot of them get into religion,

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which is sweet. You know, when I had a Jehova's Witness in, I would

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send him round the wing knocking on everyone else's cell door. The best

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part of that was watching them trying to prefend they weren't in.

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-- pretend their weren't in. And the notion of whoever the ward

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is is going, how am I going to keep them entertained, we have done

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juggling, puppet shows.... They cause a lot of trouble. That ice

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why they're in there. They get bored. What did David Cameron

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announce on Father's Day? He wanted people to stigmatise run away

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fathers in the same way we stigmatise drunk drivers. He said

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the best give his dad ever gave him was optimism. That was a pretty

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disappointing Christmas. Optimism, I said Optimus Prime! Transformer,

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dad! It was the timing of it, on Father's Day, is this going to be

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his every major hallmark card anniversary, is he going to

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announce, Halloween, my new policy, no tricks, just treats! He did say

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though, didn't he, basically his father getting up early and then

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coming back very late at night having done a hard day's work, was

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basically made a profound impression on him, and you are

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thinking, if you had a little David Cameron, wouldn't you spend a lot

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of time outside in the car smoking, waiting for his bedroom light to go

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off?! That's a bit harsh. Who says that the women want them back in

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the first place? Has anyone even considered that. Bad enough being

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in a long-term relationship, I mean, it's miserable. Honestly, I know

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what I'm talking about, I have kids, it's awful and I... You know, kid

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just want some peace sometimes. Me and my ex were together a long time,

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we used to argue all the time and I was like, but if I leave him, he

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might actually go out there and meet somebody else and be happy. So

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I stayed out of spite. An unfair attack by David Cameron, he

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stigmatised the group just because you run away, take no

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responsibility for the child and do not see them, does not mean that

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you are not Mayor of London! APPLAUSE

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Lots of points aren't there, when children want their parents to be

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absent. I mean, I love my parents very much, but for me that was when,

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as a teenager, they used to take a cat for a walk on a lead, we used

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to take the cat for a walk on the lead and it wasn't just a lead, it

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was a 30 foot washing line! It went over Dartmoor and everywhere, this

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cat. I got so embarrassed by it that I had to walk, you know, about

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100 yards behind my parents. But that meant that you heard the

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comments of the people coming past them, it's awful for a teenage boy

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to be subjected to someone going "you see those people with the cat

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on a lead, I think they might have just been released back into the

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community". Didn't you parents have a wheelie bin? They had a wheelie

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bin, I spent the first six years of my life in it. Did you still have

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washing on the lead? Two birds, one stone, fan it is a tuck, in fact

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put a bird on the lead and the cat can chase it. And in other news,

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who's the power broker, the kingmaker of parking in this

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country? Is it NCP No, the one single individual who wields more

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power over parking in this country than anyone else? Boris Johnson.

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it's Hugh Dennis, according to Parking Review. That's right.

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magazine, which was isn't to me anonymously features ten separate

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photographs of Hugh Dennis on its pages at the moment. Yes, I did the

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National Parking awards. Who wins a National Parking award?! I did best

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multistorey, that was in there. Have you not done the National

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Parking awards? I haven't. I didn't know this was a bonus of it, I'm

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going to seek out the National Parking Awards. When you say

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parking, do you mean like in a car, revrsing into a slot -- reversing

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into a slot? Yes, right, OK. They're the awards and Hugh handed

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them out? Well, I gave them all tickets, to be honest. The points

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go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart. Now a round called Pippa Middleton's

:11:08.:11:18.
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butt of jokes. This involves Seann, Ava and Andy. I launch the wheel of

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news and a performer will step forward and talk about the subject.

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The winners is whoever I think is the funniest. Here we go. The first

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subject is... Parenting. Who wants to come in on

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that? Ava? It's quite difficult being a parent. My daughter is 17

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years old and she's evil and I... She doesn't respect me, I don't

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know why. An example, came home early one day and found her smoking

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on the sofa and I went, my God, you don't even have the respect for me

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to smoke elsewhere and she went "so" and I went "you have to be 18

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to buy cigarettes, where did you get them from, I'm going to report

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them" and she's like "17, it's an adult". I say when I was 17, I was

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at home looking after you and your brother each and every night so I

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:12:30.:12:30.

was responsible. And she's very moody as well, worried about her

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body image. Came home one day, was crying her eyes out and I went,

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what's the matter and she went, I hate my whole life and I went, why,

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and she went, because I'm fat. I went, well, yes, you are. So, you

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could at least have the common decency to be jolly. Thank you,

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your time is up. OK, let's spin the wheel again. The

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subject is nightclubs. Who wants to come in on that? Seann. I don't go

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nightclubing any more. I can't do it. I never got on with bouncers, I

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mean proper nightclub bouncers, you know the ones, the ones that look

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like a boiled egg on top of a stuffed bin bag. Sorry, Dara.

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Sorry! But they ask the stupidest questions. Half one in the morning,

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I had a traffic cone on my head and he said, excuse me, mate, can you

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step to the side, have you been drinking? A little bit, of course I

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have, you idiot, it's a nightclub, it's half one in the morning, what

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do you think these people are doing, just walking past going, oh, let's

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have a look what's going on in here. He's not letting me in, I shall

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become the nicest bloke I can be, please, you have a lovely head, if

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I knew you were going to be here, I would have brought some bed, we

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could have had some soldiers. Come on, please, honestly, I'm fine,

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brrr, don't worry about that, it's just a hiccup with some pizza in it,

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it's fine. Honestly, I had - understand you have a difficult job,

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a difficult job, I take my hat off to you. Thank you very much, Seann

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Walsh. OK, that leaves us with Stewart. Let's see what you've been

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left with, Stewart. Jobs. Ever since my best friend became a

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mime I haven't heard from him. Still has my leotard. At first I

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didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man, but all

:15:00.:15:10.
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I used to be a panto horse but I quit while I was ahead. I work in

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produce which wasn't exactly rocket I used to sell dining room chairs

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(under-the-table) I worked in China repairing typewriters, I didn't

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like the job but met lots of characters. I worked in a sweat

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:15:47.:15:54.

shop, it was so so. I started a VD clinic from scratch. My topic is

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jobs, my work is over. Very good, thank you very much. Thank you to

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Ava, Andy and Seann. Come back. Our next round is called, if This

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Is The Answer, What Is The Question, Ava, what would you like? Two years,

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please. How long does a kid stay cute for? Is it in 1990, how long

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did it take to download one boob? Is it how long before Prince

:16:35.:16:45.
:16:45.:16:45.

William goes, is it OK if I sleep with your sister? Is it when your

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Olympic tickets should arrive? it in fact if George Osborne was

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attacked by a crocodile, how long would I be laughing for before I

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called the emergency services? it how does a Welshman say, two

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ears. Is it how long you should wait after Eric Pickles has been in

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the toilet. I'd give it two years if I were you, I'd give it two

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years. Is it how long a cannibal could live off J-Lo's buttocks.

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it how long would David Blaine have to be dead in a box before anyone

:17:27.:17:37.
:17:37.:17:40.

noticed? Is it something to do with Greece? Yes. Is it, when will it go

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so tits up, it may have to come out of the euro? That is right. The

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question I was looking for is, how long do experts predict it will be

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before the euro breaks apart. According to some financial experts,

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debt-ridden Greece may be forced to abandon the euro by 2013, also

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Ireland and Portugal are posing a threat to the economy. Why is it

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under threat? Everything is going very badly, isn't it? Yes, that is

:18:10.:18:16.

it, yeah, yeah. Souper insight there, Andy. Do you want a

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Newsnight booking? Ireland are struggling, aren't they, so much

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that we are having to bail them out. Apparently, we are borrowing the

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money at 3% and getting your lot to pay it back at 5%, so essentially

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we are helping you out, but we are mucking you over at the same time.

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You actually are making money on the bail out you are doing for us.

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We are only going to spend it on your Kit Kat anyway. Did Ireland

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join the eurozone because they thought it was a boy band? This

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round is about Greece. How did it become about Ireland? Greece is

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never allowed to fail because it had the largest natural reserve of

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humous, you cut that pipeline off, the whole Tory party stop having

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dinner parties. Can't rely on North Sea humous, it's too oily. If the

:19:10.:19:14.

Greeks default, what are we going to do? We can hardly send the

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bailiffs in, can we. Let's face it, all the stuff that's valuable in

:19:18.:19:23.

the Greek's head, it's already in our British Museum, isn't it?

:19:23.:19:27.

people are saying is, Greece will have to get out of the euro. Is

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that allowed, can you just do that if you run into financial trouble,

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you can just get rid of the money you want. If my bank manager says

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I'm in terrible debt, can I say, sorry, mate I'm out of the pound.

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If you are watching this on Dave, Greece is a country that used to

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exist - because these programmes run and run - is now existing in a

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new south Germany. Who's been busy electing a new leader? The Al-

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Qaedas. They have elect add new leader, yes. It's a man called

:20:07.:20:16.

Ayman Al-Zawahiri. Yes, Ayman Al- Zawahiri. That bloke, yes. I was

:20:16.:20:19.

afraid to get the proenunciation wrong. Would you send out a press

:20:20.:20:24.

statement going "I've become Head of Al-Qaeda" if I had, I'd keep it

:20:24.:20:31.

quiet, basically. It's like Ayman Al-Zawahiri is delighted to

:20:31.:20:37.

announce he's the Head of Al-Qaeda. Delighted to bring Al-Qaeda through

:20:37.:20:41.

this difficult time. Please ignore the dent in the middle of his

:20:41.:20:50.

head... Also sent off for the one a month classics from Readers Digest.

:20:50.:20:54.

He turned 60 on Sunday, I was reading in the Guardian, but he

:20:54.:20:58.

didn't celebrate. I bet he didn't. Can you think of anything more

:20:58.:21:03.

stressful than an Al-Qaeda birthday party, every time they're opening a

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package, argh... Again! In the article I read, they said he's a

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cold joyless man and you thought, that was a surprise, I thought he

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was a happy-go-lucky wine lover who like add game of hide-and-seek.

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just really bored with this whole Al-Qaeda thing, it's very

:21:26.:21:29.

exaggerated and motivates Islamophobia and it's pretty

:21:29.:21:33.

disgusting. I was with my friend, a Muslim woman, she wears the hijab,

:21:33.:21:37.

she was telling me she gets harassed in the street. The way

:21:37.:21:40.

people treat Muslims is disgusting. We are standing at the taxi rank,

:21:40.:21:45.

minding our own business, this woman we don't even know just

:21:45.:21:50.

shouts across the road, oi you and she runs over and points in my

:21:50.:21:55.

friend's face and she goes, you, you say sorry for 9/11 now, say

:21:55.:21:59.

sorry for 9/11 now and I was so shocked, I just looked at my friend

:21:59.:22:09.
:22:09.:22:10.

and I was like, oh, my God, was that you?! Which figure has taken

:22:11.:22:15.

to tweeting in the last week? Barack Obama has taken to tweeting.

:22:15.:22:20.

He apparently has the third most followers in the world after Lady

:22:20.:22:28.

Gaga and Justin Bieber which is why the world must end! I mean, I know

:22:28.:22:37.

Justin Bieber is 16, but it seems strange there are eight-year-old

:22:37.:22:40.

kids lusting after him. He is singing about love to people who

:22:40.:22:43.

can't possibly know anything about love. It would be like having a 16-

:22:43.:22:47.

year-old lusting after a 32-year- old as he sung about dentures,

:22:47.:22:52.

retirement and surgical stockings. That would be creepy and, by the

:22:52.:22:59.

way, Justin Bieber is 17 and a half. On Twitter, we mentioned last week

:22:59.:23:04.

- I'm on Twitter, as a lot of people here are - we mentioned

:23:04.:23:07.

about the examine Virgin lator's game where they would entertain

:23:07.:23:11.

themselves by standing, you know, I'll stand next to the ugliest

:23:11.:23:15.

person in the room and just stand like that and go like that. I

:23:15.:23:17.

forgot when telling that story that we were right in the middle of

:23:18.:23:22.

state exams in both the UK and Ireland and I received hundreds of

:23:22.:23:27.

Tweets of people going, I was in the middle of my exam today and the

:23:27.:23:33.

bloke just stood beside me. It was really upsetting. Then hundreds of

:23:33.:23:42.

other Tweets of invigilators going, oh, no, no, no, we play Pac-Man.

:23:42.:23:46.

They were playing Pac-Man and someone chased him. At the end of

:23:47.:23:54.

the roin, the points go to Ava, Andy and Seann. -- round. We come

:23:54.:23:58.

to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to

:23:58.:24:02.

the performance areas, please. I'll read out the topics, then we'll see

:24:02.:24:06.

what the panellists come up with. The first subject is unlikely lines

:24:06.:24:12.

from a superhero film. Worry not, procrastination man is here. Where

:24:12.:24:22.
:24:22.:24:23.

is everybody? What's with all the Cat woman, what did I tell you

:24:24.:24:33.

about not shitting in next door's garden?! I am Big Society man. Do

:24:33.:24:39.

it for you, but I would much rather you did it for yourself. Prepare to

:24:40.:24:48.

meet a new breed of sex change superhero in the X-Men. Yes, I do

:24:48.:24:56.

believe a man can fly, but only if he's carrying under 100m will. --

:24:56.:25:06.
:25:06.:25:10.

ml. I am parking review man. Where's my cheque. Wow, Iron Man,

:25:10.:25:20.
:25:20.:25:28.

how did you get all the creases Just call the police. Is it a bird,

:25:28.:25:33.

is it a plane, well if you don't know that, what the hell are you

:25:33.:25:41.

doing in air traffic control? use is a spider's web against me,

:25:41.:25:51.
:25:51.:25:54.

duster man and Hoover boy? Hello! I'm Batman Begins. I'm sexist,

:25:54.:26:04.
:26:04.:26:04.

racist and drive like an arsehole, I am white van man! Should I do...

:26:05.:26:14.
:26:15.:26:15.

What... Should I, this is part of it. Oh, shit. OK, next topic is

:26:15.:26:21.

unlikely things for a continuity announcer to say. And now to upset

:26:21.:26:31.

children everywhere, it's Peppa Pig in pepper sauce. Oh, God, oh, God,

:26:31.:26:39.

oh, Nigella will be back at the same time next week.

:26:39.:26:48.

Unnext, Ryan Giggs appears on Footballers' Wives. Next up on

:26:48.:26:57.

Channel 4 live from Switzerland, it's Come Die With Me. Now for a

:26:57.:27:03.

special episode of Planet Earth where six chimps will watch David

:27:03.:27:09.

Attenborough have sex. And now is the time I have to be extremely

:27:09.:27:14.

careful because the next programme is about Roald Dahl. Genius behind

:27:14.:27:24.
:27:24.:27:26.

will aye Banker's choc... Bollocks. Next on the hiss History Channel,

:27:27.:27:31.

World War in colour. Look away if you don't want to know how it ends.

:27:31.:27:36.

To clear up confusion for the regular viewers, ITV 2 plus 1 is

:27:36.:27:46.
:27:46.:27:47.

not the same as ITV 3. First though, there's a serial killer on the

:27:47.:27:54.

loose. In ball moir. -- Balamory. If you have been affected by some

:27:54.:27:58.

of the issues in EastEnders, they must have been acting it better

:27:58.:28:08.
:28:08.:28:08.

than they usually do. And now, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

:28:08.:28:18.
:28:18.:28:23.

You are watching the Dignitas channel. For God's sake, don't

:28:23.:28:29.

press the red button. Next up, it's Bargain Hunt, which is also rhyming

:28:29.:28:38.

slang for the bloke who presented it. Rights now, Kate Humble is in

:28:38.:28:46.

the lambing shd. -- shed. Ohhhhh... At the end of that round, the

:28:46.:28:51.

points go to, Chris, Hugh and Stewart.

:28:51.:28:58.

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Chris, Addison,

:28:58.:29:04.

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