Episode 3 Mock the Week

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this

week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Seann Walsh, Chris Addison,

Stewart Francis and Hugh Dennis. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Headliners. Here is a picture of

the Prime Minister and the Deputy Prime Minister. What does GUPC

stand for? Is it girls, uniforms, patients, Clegg, the Prime

Minister's favourite things. Geneticists unveil pointless clone.

Is it Cameron ordering lunch? Is it goose, ugly fruit, fezant and a

coke. -- fezn't. Is it gormless under achievers punish country.

Doesn't it look like Ant & Dec have just delivered a baby. When you are

there ready and it's like hurray! Gay union parade Cameron? Cameron's

thinking, gloves unnecessary for prostate check. Is it in fact

genuinely unfunny photo caption? many ways they all are. Is it in

fact, Government U-turns provoke criticism? Very good. Yes, the

answer was Government U-turns provoke criticism. This is the news

that a string of U-turns, including the reversal on sentencing, have

brought the coalition fresh criticism about the public and

within the Tory party. A YouGov poll has said 43% of voters fear

the Government is losing its way. What have the Government changed

their minds about? The one this week is rubbish collection. They

said there would be rubbish collections once a week and now

they've gone back on that. It's going to be once a fortnight. I've

absolutely no idea why people are worried about taking your bin away

twice a week because the foxes, if you riv in a city, will take them

once a night. I said to the rabbit, I should run if I were you. I shall

have your pelt for smoking... A man by the name of Eric Pickles

who basically said it was the right of every Englishman to have the

remnants of his chicken tick that massala to be able to put them in a

bin without having to wait two weeks to have them collected. Have

you seen the look of that man? That is... How would he know? There we

go! That is a man who has no concept of leftovers whatsoever.

you think though when he said the rem nans, he meant like the tin

container -- remnants. He would have eaten that, the bag it came

in... He would have eaten the receipt and the leaflet with the

new menu on it and the delivery man only got away because he was on a

moped. Jies nice! Indian take away, you don't put in a bin anyway, you

put it in the bag you got it in, then you put that next to the bin,

you don't actually put it in the bin so it doesn't matter. Surely it

gets in the bin sooner or later. Where does the bag go? I really

need to clean my house. Do the foxes ring your door bell and go,

"can we just come in," there's a smell under the door, this place is

going to be great, "leave for an hour...". It's a big advantage of a

wheelie bin that you can do a U- turn in it. And race in it. Have

you ever done that, a race in a wheelie bins? No, I haven't.

put a child in a wheelie bin. They're quite deep. They don't need

to be seeing anything. You can have the lids closed. Do you even have

to move, or do you just close the lid and go "here we go...".

when they're sick, it's a good job they're in the bin. We are not

suggesting you put children into a wheelie bin. Don't do it. CHEERING

AND APPLAUSE What is it, we have had the bin.

And the nursery milk? That was another one? The nursery milk

scheme went tits up. Yes, went tits up. What else? Sentencing. Kenneth

Clarke's had to, he was going to say if you pleaded guilty you were

going to get 50% off your sentence which, it's a good thing there's no

death penalty in this country because how is that going to work.

I sentence you to half death, half life and you are going to have to

go and live in Leicester. The Daily Mail readers and stuff

get very upset about the fact that they're not sentencing people to

long enough in prison. I mean, you ever worked in a prison, no-one

considers that. I used to work in a prison as a prison officer for five

years and it's very hard to keep those people entertained, you know.

They get bored, they cause trouble, a lot of them get into religion,

which is sweet. You know, when I had a Jehova's Witness in, I would

send him round the wing knocking on everyone else's cell door. The best

part of that was watching them trying to prefend they weren't in.

-- pretend their weren't in. And the notion of whoever the ward

is is going, how am I going to keep them entertained, we have done

juggling, puppet shows.... They cause a lot of trouble. That ice

why they're in there. They get bored. What did David Cameron

announce on Father's Day? He wanted people to stigmatise run away

fathers in the same way we stigmatise drunk drivers. He said

the best give his dad ever gave him was optimism. That was a pretty

disappointing Christmas. Optimism, I said Optimus Prime! Transformer,

dad! It was the timing of it, on Father's Day, is this going to be

his every major hallmark card anniversary, is he going to

announce, Halloween, my new policy, no tricks, just treats! He did say

though, didn't he, basically his father getting up early and then

coming back very late at night having done a hard day's work, was

basically made a profound impression on him, and you are

thinking, if you had a little David Cameron, wouldn't you spend a lot

of time outside in the car smoking, waiting for his bedroom light to go

off?! That's a bit harsh. Who says that the women want them back in

the first place? Has anyone even considered that. Bad enough being

in a long-term relationship, I mean, it's miserable. Honestly, I know

what I'm talking about, I have kids, it's awful and I... You know, kid

just want some peace sometimes. Me and my ex were together a long time,

we used to argue all the time and I was like, but if I leave him, he

might actually go out there and meet somebody else and be happy. So

I stayed out of spite. An unfair attack by David Cameron, he

stigmatised the group just because you run away, take no

responsibility for the child and do not see them, does not mean that

you are not Mayor of London! APPLAUSE

Lots of points aren't there, when children want their parents to be

absent. I mean, I love my parents very much, but for me that was when,

as a teenager, they used to take a cat for a walk on a lead, we used

to take the cat for a walk on the lead and it wasn't just a lead, it

was a 30 foot washing line! It went over Dartmoor and everywhere, this

cat. I got so embarrassed by it that I had to walk, you know, about

100 yards behind my parents. But that meant that you heard the

comments of the people coming past them, it's awful for a teenage boy

to be subjected to someone going "you see those people with the cat

on a lead, I think they might have just been released back into the

community". Didn't you parents have a wheelie bin? They had a wheelie

bin, I spent the first six years of my life in it. Did you still have

washing on the lead? Two birds, one stone, fan it is a tuck, in fact

put a bird on the lead and the cat can chase it. And in other news,

who's the power broker, the kingmaker of parking in this

country? Is it NCP No, the one single individual who wields more

power over parking in this country than anyone else? Boris Johnson.

it's Hugh Dennis, according to Parking Review. That's right.

magazine, which was isn't to me anonymously features ten separate

photographs of Hugh Dennis on its pages at the moment. Yes, I did the

National Parking awards. Who wins a National Parking award?! I did best

multistorey, that was in there. Have you not done the National

Parking awards? I haven't. I didn't know this was a bonus of it, I'm

going to seek out the National Parking Awards. When you say

parking, do you mean like in a car, revrsing into a slot -- reversing

into a slot? Yes, right, OK. They're the awards and Hugh handed

them out? Well, I gave them all tickets, to be honest. The points

go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart. Now a round called Pippa Middleton's

butt of jokes. This involves Seann, Ava and Andy. I launch the wheel of

news and a performer will step forward and talk about the subject.

The winners is whoever I think is the funniest. Here we go. The first

subject is... Parenting. Who wants to come in on

that? Ava? It's quite difficult being a parent. My daughter is 17

years old and she's evil and I... She doesn't respect me, I don't

know why. An example, came home early one day and found her smoking

on the sofa and I went, my God, you don't even have the respect for me

to smoke elsewhere and she went "so" and I went "you have to be 18

to buy cigarettes, where did you get them from, I'm going to report

them" and she's like "17, it's an adult". I say when I was 17, I was

at home looking after you and your brother each and every night so I

was responsible. And she's very moody as well, worried about her

body image. Came home one day, was crying her eyes out and I went,

what's the matter and she went, I hate my whole life and I went, why,

and she went, because I'm fat. I went, well, yes, you are. So, you

could at least have the common decency to be jolly. Thank you,

your time is up. OK, let's spin the wheel again. The

subject is nightclubs. Who wants to come in on that? Seann. I don't go

nightclubing any more. I can't do it. I never got on with bouncers, I

mean proper nightclub bouncers, you know the ones, the ones that look

like a boiled egg on top of a stuffed bin bag. Sorry, Dara.

Sorry! But they ask the stupidest questions. Half one in the morning,

I had a traffic cone on my head and he said, excuse me, mate, can you

step to the side, have you been drinking? A little bit, of course I

have, you idiot, it's a nightclub, it's half one in the morning, what

do you think these people are doing, just walking past going, oh, let's

have a look what's going on in here. He's not letting me in, I shall

become the nicest bloke I can be, please, you have a lovely head, if

I knew you were going to be here, I would have brought some bed, we

could have had some soldiers. Come on, please, honestly, I'm fine,

brrr, don't worry about that, it's just a hiccup with some pizza in it,

it's fine. Honestly, I had - understand you have a difficult job,

a difficult job, I take my hat off to you. Thank you very much, Seann

Walsh. OK, that leaves us with Stewart. Let's see what you've been

left with, Stewart. Jobs. Ever since my best friend became a

mime I haven't heard from him. Still has my leotard. At first I

didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man, but all

I used to be a panto horse but I quit while I was ahead. I work in

produce which wasn't exactly rocket I used to sell dining room chairs

(under-the-table) I worked in China repairing typewriters, I didn't

like the job but met lots of characters. I worked in a sweat

shop, it was so so. I started a VD clinic from scratch. My topic is

jobs, my work is over. Very good, thank you very much. Thank you to

Ava, Andy and Seann. Come back. Our next round is called, if This

Is The Answer, What Is The Question, Ava, what would you like? Two years,

please. How long does a kid stay cute for? Is it in 1990, how long

did it take to download one boob? Is it how long before Prince

William goes, is it OK if I sleep with your sister? Is it when your

Olympic tickets should arrive? it in fact if George Osborne was

attacked by a crocodile, how long would I be laughing for before I

called the emergency services? it how does a Welshman say, two

ears. Is it how long you should wait after Eric Pickles has been in

the toilet. I'd give it two years if I were you, I'd give it two

years. Is it how long a cannibal could live off J-Lo's buttocks.

it how long would David Blaine have to be dead in a box before anyone

noticed? Is it something to do with Greece? Yes. Is it, when will it go

so tits up, it may have to come out of the euro? That is right. The

question I was looking for is, how long do experts predict it will be

before the euro breaks apart. According to some financial experts,

debt-ridden Greece may be forced to abandon the euro by 2013, also

Ireland and Portugal are posing a threat to the economy. Why is it

under threat? Everything is going very badly, isn't it? Yes, that is

it, yeah, yeah. Souper insight there, Andy. Do you want a

Newsnight booking? Ireland are struggling, aren't they, so much

that we are having to bail them out. Apparently, we are borrowing the

money at 3% and getting your lot to pay it back at 5%, so essentially

we are helping you out, but we are mucking you over at the same time.

You actually are making money on the bail out you are doing for us.

We are only going to spend it on your Kit Kat anyway. Did Ireland

join the eurozone because they thought it was a boy band? This

round is about Greece. How did it become about Ireland? Greece is

never allowed to fail because it had the largest natural reserve of

humous, you cut that pipeline off, the whole Tory party stop having

dinner parties. Can't rely on North Sea humous, it's too oily. If the

Greeks default, what are we going to do? We can hardly send the

bailiffs in, can we. Let's face it, all the stuff that's valuable in

the Greek's head, it's already in our British Museum, isn't it?

people are saying is, Greece will have to get out of the euro. Is

that allowed, can you just do that if you run into financial trouble,

you can just get rid of the money you want. If my bank manager says

I'm in terrible debt, can I say, sorry, mate I'm out of the pound.

If you are watching this on Dave, Greece is a country that used to

exist - because these programmes run and run - is now existing in a

new south Germany. Who's been busy electing a new leader? The Al-

Qaedas. They have elect add new leader, yes. It's a man called

Ayman Al-Zawahiri. Yes, Ayman Al- Zawahiri. That bloke, yes. I was

afraid to get the proenunciation wrong. Would you send out a press

statement going "I've become Head of Al-Qaeda" if I had, I'd keep it

quiet, basically. It's like Ayman Al-Zawahiri is delighted to

announce he's the Head of Al-Qaeda. Delighted to bring Al-Qaeda through

this difficult time. Please ignore the dent in the middle of his

head... Also sent off for the one a month classics from Readers Digest.

He turned 60 on Sunday, I was reading in the Guardian, but he

didn't celebrate. I bet he didn't. Can you think of anything more

stressful than an Al-Qaeda birthday party, every time they're opening a

package, argh... Again! In the article I read, they said he's a

cold joyless man and you thought, that was a surprise, I thought he

was a happy-go-lucky wine lover who like add game of hide-and-seek.

just really bored with this whole Al-Qaeda thing, it's very

exaggerated and motivates Islamophobia and it's pretty

disgusting. I was with my friend, a Muslim woman, she wears the hijab,

she was telling me she gets harassed in the street. The way

people treat Muslims is disgusting. We are standing at the taxi rank,

minding our own business, this woman we don't even know just

shouts across the road, oi you and she runs over and points in my

friend's face and she goes, you, you say sorry for 9/11 now, say

sorry for 9/11 now and I was so shocked, I just looked at my friend

and I was like, oh, my God, was that you?! Which figure has taken

to tweeting in the last week? Barack Obama has taken to tweeting.

He apparently has the third most followers in the world after Lady

Gaga and Justin Bieber which is why the world must end! I mean, I know

Justin Bieber is 16, but it seems strange there are eight-year-old

kids lusting after him. He is singing about love to people who

can't possibly know anything about love. It would be like having a 16-

year-old lusting after a 32-year- old as he sung about dentures,

retirement and surgical stockings. That would be creepy and, by the

way, Justin Bieber is 17 and a half. On Twitter, we mentioned last week

- I'm on Twitter, as a lot of people here are - we mentioned

about the examine Virgin lator's game where they would entertain

themselves by standing, you know, I'll stand next to the ugliest

person in the room and just stand like that and go like that. I

forgot when telling that story that we were right in the middle of

state exams in both the UK and Ireland and I received hundreds of

Tweets of people going, I was in the middle of my exam today and the

bloke just stood beside me. It was really upsetting. Then hundreds of

other Tweets of invigilators going, oh, no, no, no, we play Pac-Man.

They were playing Pac-Man and someone chased him. At the end of

the roin, the points go to Ava, Andy and Seann. -- round. We come

to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to

the performance areas, please. I'll read out the topics, then we'll see

what the panellists come up with. The first subject is unlikely lines

from a superhero film. Worry not, procrastination man is here. Where

is everybody? What's with all the Cat woman, what did I tell you

about not shitting in next door's garden?! I am Big Society man. Do

it for you, but I would much rather you did it for yourself. Prepare to

meet a new breed of sex change superhero in the X-Men. Yes, I do

believe a man can fly, but only if he's carrying under 100m will. --

ml. I am parking review man. Where's my cheque. Wow, Iron Man,

how did you get all the creases Just call the police. Is it a bird,

is it a plane, well if you don't know that, what the hell are you

doing in air traffic control? use is a spider's web against me,

duster man and Hoover boy? Hello! I'm Batman Begins. I'm sexist,

racist and drive like an arsehole, I am white van man! Should I do...

What... Should I, this is part of it. Oh, shit. OK, next topic is

unlikely things for a continuity announcer to say. And now to upset

children everywhere, it's Peppa Pig in pepper sauce. Oh, God, oh, God,

oh, Nigella will be back at the same time next week.

Unnext, Ryan Giggs appears on Footballers' Wives. Next up on

Channel 4 live from Switzerland, it's Come Die With Me. Now for a

special episode of Planet Earth where six chimps will watch David

Attenborough have sex. And now is the time I have to be extremely

careful because the next programme is about Roald Dahl. Genius behind

will aye Banker's choc... Bollocks. Next on the hiss History Channel,

World War in colour. Look away if you don't want to know how it ends.

To clear up confusion for the regular viewers, ITV 2 plus 1 is

not the same as ITV 3. First though, there's a serial killer on the

loose. In ball moir. -- Balamory. If you have been affected by some

of the issues in EastEnders, they must have been acting it better

than they usually do. And now, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

You are watching the Dignitas channel. For God's sake, don't

press the red button. Next up, it's Bargain Hunt, which is also rhyming

slang for the bloke who presented it. Rights now, Kate Humble is in

the lambing shd. -- shed. Ohhhhh... At the end of that round, the

points go to, Chris, Hugh and Stewart.

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Chris, Addison,