Episode 4 Mock the Week

Episode 4

Dara O Briain, Hugh Dennis and Andy Parsons look back on another week's news with guests Alun Cochrane, Micky Flanagan, Milton Jones and Zoe Lyons.

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This programme contains some strong language.


Hello and welcome to Mock the Hello and welcome to Mock the


Week, I'm Dara O Briain, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe


Lyons and Micky Flanagan, Alun Cochrane, Hugh Dennis and Milton


Jones. We start with a round called


Headliners, here's a picture Education Secretary Michael Gove


engaged in important work, but what does GTOT stand for? Is he in fact


making a potion because he thinks he's Harry Potter, government


troubles, obliviate totallo? Is it Gaddafi's terrified of this? Is it,


they realised what would the photograph, and it's simply:


Gove twit on telly. Is it what teachers will be doing on strike,


gin and tonic on terrace? Is it to do with the teachers, in fact:


great, tennis on telly? Tremendously cynical view of having a strike on


women's semi-final day. Has someone asked him about the weekend, and he


says: go to Ostrich Town. Where is Ostrich Town? I think we all know.


I think I know what it is. Is it Gollum tugs over test tube? Micky,


do you want to take a guess? Gove tough on teachers? That's exactly


right, well done. Yes, the was looking for was Gove, tough on


teachers, this is the news that Michael Gove has called for tougher


qualifications for aspiring teachers, barring those who fail


tests, he also hit them on the planned walkouts, claiming they


a strong moral duty not to strike and to keep schools open.


aware of the test as soon as it's bit rich coming from Michael Gove,


putting literacy tests, when his whole name sounds like a grammatical


error. No, Michael gave. Michael Gave. Try again, gave. I actually


trained to be a teacher, for a year, and they say to you, when you sign


up, this is a very serious job, don't smile before Easter. It's


sign of weakness apparently. So I'm walking down the corridor on my


first day's training and a fat kid fell over. I'm on him like a shot,


bundle! I didn't pass. Surely the only real test of a teacher is to


send them to the Middle East and if they say: I don't care who


started it! Have you seen the of the questions? Like add eleven


and four. Every year you joke about A level tests, but these are ones


for teachers. Can you answer the following multiple choice question


that's included in the teacher training test: is the correct word


mathmatical, mathematical, mathemmatical or mathematicall? That


is genuine. Whereas obviously the correct answer should be: ex-boss of


Tesco came out and said that teaching standards are not good


enough. It's basically a worry, isn't it, if we're not even


producing kids who are bright enough to work in Tesco. How hard is it to


go beep? But you still get some who aren't any good at it. I was in


Tesco recently, this kid couldn't find the barcode on the packet,


in the end he just went beep with his own mouth, and chucked it


through. If they are going to make it harder for teachers, they should


give something back, you should be allowed to knee them again. In the


corridor, "Slow down". I wonder you managed to last one whole year!


I used to be a teacher, I found marking was a problem, but if you


wrap the child in a mattress before you hit


even aside from politics, I've lot of friends and family that are


teachers, and they're annoying people to know, they break the year


up in their way even when you don't do the same job. They'll say, "See


you at half term", and you go, I'm 36, I don't know when that is any


more, give me a number and then the name of one of the 12 months, that's


the system I like to work with. had a teacher in school, he was


African, his mode of punishing you, he would make you hold out your


fingertips. (African accent) out your fingertips. No tension in


the room now, is there? Get it. Was that your racial


impersonation or his racist impersonation? That's how he


talked. He would whack our fingertips with a ruler. He was from


Newcastle. You see? Grownupses, they know a good African accent when they


hear one. Enough with the accent. Once in the context of the story was


fine. Once you start doing Nigerian, you can't stop. Why has strike


action been taken? It's to do with pensions. Apparently 1 in 5 people


alive today are going to live to 100, that's how bad this situation


is. I'm not happy about that at all. I'm in my late 30s and I


fart when I cough, so I'm not happy about that. I'm grateful you've not


got a tickly throat at the moment. They reckon there are 10 million


people alive today who will actually live to be 100. Britain is going to


be a very different place, people going, you're old, "I'm not old, I'm


80 years old. If you excuse me, have to get up at 6am to do my paper


round, I've got a student loan to pay off". Who is Gove calling upon


to halt strike disruptions? Mums, he wants mums to go into schools.


Can you imagine? If mums went schools en masse, all the kids


go on strike, wouldn't they? There's already a lot of mums in


schools, they're the pupils. There would be a lot of kids looking after


other kids, it won't work as a policy at all. There was a call


from Mary Bousted of the of Teachers and Lecturers who


warned: what


warned: what have


warned: what have we


warned: what have we not been told about


classrooms? Mums might press the button that makes the spikes


out of the floor. What are going to do? Everyone, eat chalk


now! Do you think it could be dangerous for the mums? Kids give


supply teachers a hard enough time, imagine a supply parent. Headmaster


comes along to check how the and crafts lesson is going, and sees


the kids have built a small wicker man and are dancing round the


outside going "burn the scab". How insane in one day can it go?


could go very insane. School ties around their neck. It would


of the Flies all over again, but with mum. Why not just schools?


Lots of parts of the public service are on strike. Why not mums


driving tests? Or tube trains? I'd love to see mums on customs. "mm,


that's a lot of cocaine up your arse". At the end of that round, the


points go to Mann! * * * - go to Micky, Zoe and Andy. Now a


called Novak Joke-o-vic. This involves Milton, Zoe and Alun, so


make your way to the performance area, I launch the wheel of news and


wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward


talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.


First it is: alternative lifestyles. Zoe. Alternative lifestyles.


friend of mine actually recently bought me a book on Feng Shui, I was


like, Feng Shui my arse. And by that, I don't mean move it further


up my back to make my shoulders look better. I know people do yoga for


balance, but Iqbal my own body beautiful - I can balance my own


body beautifully with a pint and a pie, and I take an all or nothing


approach to alternative medicine. Would you use it in an


that's the test. Do you see many herbalist ambulances, that's what


I'm asking. I've sawn my arm off. Have you? You should wave some sage


over it. But I even think vegetarians shouldn't be allowed to


squash their vegetarian food into meat based products, like burgers


and bangers. You made your choice, if you don't want the meat, you


can't have the shapes. Okay, let's spin the wheel again. The subject is


fatherhood. I'm a dad, and I can tell you already, that child needs


discipline. I'm a dad, I like a dad, it's good fun, but I love


mums as well, I'm a big fan of mums, my mum's one, and my wife's one, and


lots of my friends are mums, and for a whole night quite recently, I


thought I might be a mum. I'm not, I'm a dad, but here's what happened.


My wife went out for some with some other mums, and I stayed


in and had a really nice bath and glass of wine. Yes, I had a mum's


night in, brilliant night in as well, mums, I can totally see why it


caught on amongst the mum community, much better than being out in a pub


talking to idiots about nothing, really enjoyed it. I got out of the


bath and twisted the towel round. I got up the next day and bought


little Citroen Xsara Picasso. But I know I sound like a cliche'd dad


when I say this, but genuinely, our little boy is properly gorgeous.


He's blonde, blue eyed and really good natured and sometimes I'm


walking him round to the park, holding his little hand, and I'll


swept away by how beautiful he is, and I catch myself thinking, oh my


God, you are so gorgeous, if anything happens to your mum, and


she dies, we are going to look so attractive. Well done Alun. Okay,


which leaving us with Milton, let's see what topic we have.


Entertainment. I was watching blue Peter the other day. He was a


neighbour with really bad circulation. I said to him, Peter,


why don't you get a pacemaker? He said I can't even run, let alone


keep up with someone. I was watching TV the other day, and I flipped over


and all I could see were the brown cushions on my sofa really close up.


You have to be careful watching television, you think to yourself,


that bloke's better looking than me, a better car than me, and he's got


cat called Jess. My favourite film is the French film AND. I think it


was released over here as ET. You have to admire people who go into


the performing arts, they have to do exercises every single day for their


future careers. Bub bub bub bub bub. E-e-e-e-. Big issue! That's all from


me, thank you. That was Milton Jones. The points at the end of


to Alun, Hugh and Milton. Our next round is called: if this is


the answer, what is the question? the board are six categories. Alun,


which category? Sport please. answer is: 15 minutes. What is the


question? Is it how long is it this episode will the average viewer


of Mock the Week realise I'm not guy off the BT adverts? When will


Greece run out of money? How long my grandmother's ashes lasted when


stored next to the chocolate milk powder? Since birth, how long has


Boris Johnson spent on his appearance? In fact, how long does


the average British women's Wimbledon fortnight last? Is it the


longest anyone should be allowed to tell you about their gap year


travels at any one time? How long does it take to write the Daily


Star? The gap between this have to hold Jedward's head under


water just to make sure? There are actually two people in Jedward. It's


not like if you kill one, the other dies through some sort of alien


symbiosis. When he is out in the open, what is the life expectancy of


Colonel Gaddafi? What's the correct answer? What's a quarter of an


hour? Yes! Points over here, Dara. That is the big news story,


scientists have discovered that quarter of an hour is in fact 15


minutes. If you have been driving for 23 hours and 45 minutes,


would you be from Tulsa? Is it in fact how quickly did a lot of the


Olympic sports sell out when they were put back on sale? Very good,


well done Andy. Yes, the question I was looking for was: how long did it


take for the second round of Olympic tickets to sell out for the big


events, this is the news that the second wave of Olympic tickets went


on sale at 6am on Friday, by Friday evening 18 of the sports were sold


out, by Friday evening boxing and weight lifting were sold out. There


has been a lot of hoo ha regarding the sales, I got a great e-mail the


other day, I applied for some tickets, and apparently I'm now


being ridden in the dressage event, so I'm happy. The ticket debacle,


you've managed to sell out the Olympics a year in advance and it's


the worst thing that's happened in this country, it was a disgrace


way the tickets were so popular. woman on the TV going: the tickets


have turned people into haves have nots. I don't want to get


Bertrand Russell on your arse, but by definition, you're either a have


or have nots. 3D telly, kids, chlamydia, everything is a have and


have not. And just for the record: have, have not, have not. But it was


a lottery, a randomly assigned computer draw, people were getting


angry, how dare us - the poor computer picked these things,


"Computer didn't want to make people sad, computer picked tickets


randomly, computer like all sports, computer sorry he made people


unhappy. No, computer not like diving, diving bad for computer. Why


computer talk like Hulk?" It's confusing though. I saw a headline:


2012 ticket hopefuls disappointed, and I thought, that's not that many.


Boris Johnson wants everybody to go on public transport. If you've spent


725 quid for the 100m finals for event that lasts 10 seconds, are you


going to risk going on public transport, you are 12 seconds late,


you're already watching the lap of honour. I saw a bloke on the telly


who summed up the Olympics from the east end, he went: I've been against


these games from day one, I tell you why, for that whole month, I ain't


going to be able to get out of my turning. The what? The turning! He


lives in a turning. Get out of the turning, and go in the turning.


was genuinely thinking, what's a churny? What worries me most,


you're sitting in the stadium, you're going to get berated by those


two ridiculous mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville. They sound like two gay


antique dealers. But one of them, brilliantly, incorporated into his


uniform, his costume, he's got orange light to denote the iconic


status of the London cab. Like London cab byes absolutely embody


the Olympic spirit. "I tell what's wrong with London, too many


foreigners". I can't get out of the turning. The turning will the


blocked up. Have you been studying Popeye? In other news, who was


covered in mud last weekend? Anybody at Glastonbury. Glastonbury


is always criticised, every year they say it is very muddy, and it's


too middle class. It's like War One sponsored by John Lewis. A


tricky dilemma now, for middle class people, do you go to Glastonbury


do you go to Wimbledon? And they're obviously very similar things now,


because both of them feature of Brits who are out of it on day


one. I saw U2 on there, and they were terrible. They put me off of


going to concerts forever, I went to see them at Wembley. Bono kept


saying, "Come on, join in, you know this one". "the many voices of Micky


Flanagan". He went (Irish come on, you know this one, don't


you. I'm thinking, I paid 25 quid to get in here, you're getting


quarter of a million pounds, you sing the song. I have a new found


sympathy for the people of Nigeria now. This is true, I was 16 when I


first went to Glastonbury, we thought we would do the whole thing,


"Let's try and buy some wacky baccy", we bought an Oxo cube, we


smoked it anyway, sod it, let's a go. Quite nice, beefy. Did anyone


go? I'd rather eat my own poo. You possibly would have done if


gone to Glastonbury. The idea of spending - my mate said he looked


down into the toilet trench there laying in the poo was the


thickest pair of glasses he had ever seen in his life. Someone had gone


to Glastonbury and gone - oh cyst. - oh Christ. Is that Bono up there?


(Irish accent) yes, it is, you know this one. Have you found


you're looking for? You go to this, don't you? Yes, I missed out this


year, but I believe you and I have both been. Yes, one 24-hour period


when I went to Glastonbury. Every year I celebrate it, I sit at home


and watch it on the telly, that I am not knee deep in mud, waiting for


the Dandy Warhols to play their one hit. And making the best of it.


na, na, na. Oh, that's that then. don't think that was the Dandy


Warhols. I think you're trying to do Chelsea dagger there. That's the


Fratellis. That's why you didn't enjoy it. He was there watching the


Dandy Warhols going, "I don't know any of these". In front of them


going na, na, na, na. Play that one, play that one. Any requests? Yes,


the one that goes na, na, na, na. "we're the wrong band, you idiot".


Michael Eavis said it was too middle class, and he blamed Kate Moss. She


smokes 80 a day, drinks vodka the bottle and comes from Croydon.


If she's middle class, Jordan is aristocracy. The points go to Micky,


Zoe and Andy. Now we come We'd Like to See, so if everyone can


make their way over performance area, I'll read out the


topics and then we'll see what the panellists can come up with. The


first subject tonight is: Dear Deidre, I have recently become


obsessed with a woman and begun stalking her. Look out of the


window. My partner won't give me oral sex. Which is really annoying,


because that's the only reason I formed the coalition with him in the


first place. My wife says I feel anything. Which is a problem,


and there was something else. Oh yes, I'm on fire. I'm 26, my


girlfriend is 36, is ten years too big an age gap? Because her


daughter's 16, she's a right little sort. I have recently met a woman


who makes me feel young again. She's 167. Dear Deidre, I am from


I am fed up of Micky Flanagan mocking my accent! Dear Auntie, I'm


a very nervous person, and sudden noises really startle me, even if I


hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out. (buzz) my mates are all getting


into drugs, but I don't know what to do. Should I charge them mates'


rates, or just normal prices? Dear Deidre, I am a control freak.


should I do? I'll tell you what I should do. I am 96, but I'm


convinced that young women fancy me. Do I have penile dementia?


I've been wanting to come and see you for a long time, but I can't get


out of the turning! I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.


Could you tell us, please, how to get out of position 43 of the kama


sutra? I work in the public sector, and I'm really, really really,


really worried about my pension! Okay, the next topic is:


Well, at two sets down, let's see what he's got in his locker. He's


not going to be there for about 20 minutes, I've got a crowbar. Serena


Williams has been seeded. You've to admire the bravery of that bloke.


Hello, I'm Sue Barker. You may remember my father, Chewbacca. Well,


they say that the All England Club is a bit behind the times, and


that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for


stealing a strawberry. I am a tennis umpire, and gay. And it wasn't easy


to come: OUT! What a fantastic slice, but I do think


England Club will insist she wears knickers again next year. Lock off


Tim! How did the umpire get up there? I think he must have used


sepp latter. This year, the British players play a lot better, if we


look at this graph, we see huge biceps, and an angry - sorry,


Steffi, wrong graph. And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you


see there in that glass of Pimms is fruit. And while we're here, Andy


Murray not being able to make it here today, but we have his cab


driver on the other line, tell us what's occurred? "I can't


get out of the turning!" And the mound has taken a real


mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight. But I think


All England Club are fine with it, as long as it doesn't affect her


tennis. At the end of that round, the points go to Andy, Hugh and


Milton. And that is the end of the show,


this week's winners are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Micky


Flanagan. Commiserations to Alun Cochrane, Hugh Dennis and Milton


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