Episode 4 Mock the Week


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Episode 4

Dara O Briain, Hugh Dennis and Andy Parsons look back on another week's news with guests Alun Cochrane, Micky Flanagan, Milton Jones and Zoe Lyons.


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language. language.

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This programme contains some strong language.

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:00:18.:00:39.

Hello and welcome to Mock the Hello and welcome to Mock the

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Week, I'm Dara O Briain, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe

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Lyons and Micky Flanagan, Alun Cochrane, Hugh Dennis and Milton

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Jones. We start with a round called

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Headliners, here's a picture Education Secretary Michael Gove

:01:00.:01:07.

engaged in important work, but what does GTOT stand for? Is he in fact

:01:07.:01:11.

making a potion because he thinks he's Harry Potter, government

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troubles, obliviate totallo? Is it Gaddafi's terrified of this? Is it,

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they realised what would the photograph, and it's simply:

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Gove twit on telly. Is it what teachers will be doing on strike,

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gin and tonic on terrace? Is it to do with the teachers, in fact:

:01:36.:01:44.

great, tennis on telly? Tremendously cynical view of having a strike on

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women's semi-final day. Has someone asked him about the weekend, and he

:01:49.:01:59.
:01:59.:02:01.

says: go to Ostrich Town. Where is Ostrich Town? I think we all know.

:02:01.:02:11.
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I think I know what it is. Is it Gollum tugs over test tube? Micky,

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do you want to take a guess? Gove tough on teachers? That's exactly

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right, well done. Yes, the was looking for was Gove, tough on

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teachers, this is the news that Michael Gove has called for tougher

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qualifications for aspiring teachers, barring those who fail

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tests, he also hit them on the planned walkouts, claiming they

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a strong moral duty not to strike and to keep schools open.

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aware of the test as soon as it's bit rich coming from Michael Gove,

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putting literacy tests, when his whole name sounds like a grammatical

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error. No, Michael gave. Michael Gave. Try again, gave. I actually

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trained to be a teacher, for a year, and they say to you, when you sign

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up, this is a very serious job, don't smile before Easter. It's

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sign of weakness apparently. So I'm walking down the corridor on my

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first day's training and a fat kid fell over. I'm on him like a shot,

:03:23.:03:32.

bundle! I didn't pass. Surely the only real test of a teacher is to

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send them to the Middle East and if they say: I don't care who

:03:35.:03:45.
:03:45.:03:46.

started it! Have you seen the of the questions? Like add eleven

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and four. Every year you joke about A level tests, but these are ones

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for teachers. Can you answer the following multiple choice question

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that's included in the teacher training test: is the correct word

:04:03.:04:10.

mathmatical, mathematical, mathemmatical or mathematicall? That

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is genuine. Whereas obviously the correct answer should be: ex-boss of

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Tesco came out and said that teaching standards are not good

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enough. It's basically a worry, isn't it, if we're not even

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producing kids who are bright enough to work in Tesco. How hard is it to

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go beep? But you still get some who aren't any good at it. I was in

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Tesco recently, this kid couldn't find the barcode on the packet,

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in the end he just went beep with his own mouth, and chucked it

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through. If they are going to make it harder for teachers, they should

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give something back, you should be allowed to knee them again. In the

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corridor, "Slow down". I wonder you managed to last one whole year!

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I used to be a teacher, I found marking was a problem, but if you

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wrap the child in a mattress before you hit

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even aside from politics, I've lot of friends and family that are

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teachers, and they're annoying people to know, they break the year

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up in their way even when you don't do the same job. They'll say, "See

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you at half term", and you go, I'm 36, I don't know when that is any

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more, give me a number and then the name of one of the 12 months, that's

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the system I like to work with. had a teacher in school, he was

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African, his mode of punishing you, he would make you hold out your

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fingertips. (African accent) out your fingertips. No tension in

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the room now, is there? Get it. Was that your racial

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impersonation or his racist impersonation? That's how he

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talked. He would whack our fingertips with a ruler. He was from

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Newcastle. You see? Grownupses, they know a good African accent when they

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hear one. Enough with the accent. Once in the context of the story was

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:06:43.:06:45.

fine. Once you start doing Nigerian, you can't stop. Why has strike

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action been taken? It's to do with pensions. Apparently 1 in 5 people

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alive today are going to live to 100, that's how bad this situation

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is. I'm not happy about that at all. I'm in my late 30s and I

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fart when I cough, so I'm not happy about that. I'm grateful you've not

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got a tickly throat at the moment. They reckon there are 10 million

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people alive today who will actually live to be 100. Britain is going to

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be a very different place, people going, you're old, "I'm not old, I'm

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80 years old. If you excuse me, have to get up at 6am to do my paper

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round, I've got a student loan to pay off". Who is Gove calling upon

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to halt strike disruptions? Mums, he wants mums to go into schools.

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Can you imagine? If mums went schools en masse, all the kids

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go on strike, wouldn't they? There's already a lot of mums in

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schools, they're the pupils. There would be a lot of kids looking after

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other kids, it won't work as a policy at all. There was a call

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from Mary Bousted of the of Teachers and Lecturers who

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warned: what

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warned: what have

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warned: what have we

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warned: what have we not been told about

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classrooms? Mums might press the button that makes the spikes

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out of the floor. What are going to do? Everyone, eat chalk

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now! Do you think it could be dangerous for the mums? Kids give

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supply teachers a hard enough time, imagine a supply parent. Headmaster

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comes along to check how the and crafts lesson is going, and sees

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the kids have built a small wicker man and are dancing round the

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outside going "burn the scab". How insane in one day can it go?

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could go very insane. School ties around their neck. It would

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of the Flies all over again, but with mum. Why not just schools?

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Lots of parts of the public service are on strike. Why not mums

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driving tests? Or tube trains? I'd love to see mums on customs. "mm,

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that's a lot of cocaine up your arse". At the end of that round, the

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points go to Mann! * * * - go to Micky, Zoe and Andy. Now a

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called Novak Joke-o-vic. This involves Milton, Zoe and Alun, so

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make your way to the performance area, I launch the wheel of news and

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wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward

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talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

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First it is: alternative lifestyles. Zoe. Alternative lifestyles.

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friend of mine actually recently bought me a book on Feng Shui, I was

:09:53.:09:59.

like, Feng Shui my arse. And by that, I don't mean move it further

:09:59.:10:05.

up my back to make my shoulders look better. I know people do yoga for

:10:05.:10:10.

balance, but Iqbal my own body beautiful - I can balance my own

:10:10.:10:14.

body beautifully with a pint and a pie, and I take an all or nothing

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approach to alternative medicine. Would you use it in an

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that's the test. Do you see many herbalist ambulances, that's what

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I'm asking. I've sawn my arm off. Have you? You should wave some sage

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over it. But I even think vegetarians shouldn't be allowed to

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squash their vegetarian food into meat based products, like burgers

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and bangers. You made your choice, if you don't want the meat, you

:10:45.:10:54.

can't have the shapes. Okay, let's spin the wheel again. The subject is

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fatherhood. I'm a dad, and I can tell you already, that child needs

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discipline. I'm a dad, I like a dad, it's good fun, but I love

:11:07.:11:13.

mums as well, I'm a big fan of mums, my mum's one, and my wife's one, and

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lots of my friends are mums, and for a whole night quite recently, I

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thought I might be a mum. I'm not, I'm a dad, but here's what happened.

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My wife went out for some with some other mums, and I stayed

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in and had a really nice bath and glass of wine. Yes, I had a mum's

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night in, brilliant night in as well, mums, I can totally see why it

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caught on amongst the mum community, much better than being out in a pub

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talking to idiots about nothing, really enjoyed it. I got out of the

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bath and twisted the towel round. I got up the next day and bought

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little Citroen Xsara Picasso. But I know I sound like a cliche'd dad

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when I say this, but genuinely, our little boy is properly gorgeous.

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He's blonde, blue eyed and really good natured and sometimes I'm

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walking him round to the park, holding his little hand, and I'll

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swept away by how beautiful he is, and I catch myself thinking, oh my

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God, you are so gorgeous, if anything happens to your mum, and

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she dies, we are going to look so attractive. Well done Alun. Okay,

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which leaving us with Milton, let's see what topic we have.

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:12:46.:12:48.

Entertainment. I was watching blue Peter the other day. He was a

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neighbour with really bad circulation. I said to him, Peter,

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why don't you get a pacemaker? He said I can't even run, let alone

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keep up with someone. I was watching TV the other day, and I flipped over

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and all I could see were the brown cushions on my sofa really close up.

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You have to be careful watching television, you think to yourself,

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that bloke's better looking than me, a better car than me, and he's got

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cat called Jess. My favourite film is the French film AND. I think it

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:13:40.:13:42.

was released over here as ET. You have to admire people who go into

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the performing arts, they have to do exercises every single day for their

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future careers. Bub bub bub bub bub. E-e-e-e-. Big issue! That's all from

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me, thank you. That was Milton Jones. The points at the end of

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to Alun, Hugh and Milton. Our next round is called: if this is

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the answer, what is the question? the board are six categories. Alun,

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which category? Sport please. answer is: 15 minutes. What is the

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question? Is it how long is it this episode will the average viewer

:14:23.:14:32.

of Mock the Week realise I'm not guy off the BT adverts? When will

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Greece run out of money? How long my grandmother's ashes lasted when

:14:38.:14:46.

stored next to the chocolate milk powder? Since birth, how long has

:14:46.:14:52.

Boris Johnson spent on his appearance? In fact, how long does

:14:52.:14:58.

the average British women's Wimbledon fortnight last? Is it the

:14:58.:15:01.

longest anyone should be allowed to tell you about their gap year

:15:01.:15:06.

travels at any one time? How long does it take to write the Daily

:15:07.:15:16.
:15:17.:15:22.

Star? The gap between this have to hold Jedward's head under

:15:22.:15:30.

water just to make sure? There are actually two people in Jedward. It's

:15:30.:15:36.

not like if you kill one, the other dies through some sort of alien

:15:37.:15:41.

symbiosis. When he is out in the open, what is the life expectancy of

:15:41.:15:48.

Colonel Gaddafi? What's the correct answer? What's a quarter of an

:15:48.:15:58.
:15:58.:16:00.

hour? Yes! Points over here, Dara. That is the big news story,

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scientists have discovered that quarter of an hour is in fact 15

:16:03.:16:07.

minutes. If you have been driving for 23 hours and 45 minutes,

:16:07.:16:17.

would you be from Tulsa? Is it in fact how quickly did a lot of the

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Olympic sports sell out when they were put back on sale? Very good,

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well done Andy. Yes, the question I was looking for was: how long did it

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take for the second round of Olympic tickets to sell out for the big

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events, this is the news that the second wave of Olympic tickets went

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on sale at 6am on Friday, by Friday evening 18 of the sports were sold

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out, by Friday evening boxing and weight lifting were sold out. There

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has been a lot of hoo ha regarding the sales, I got a great e-mail the

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other day, I applied for some tickets, and apparently I'm now

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being ridden in the dressage event, so I'm happy. The ticket debacle,

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you've managed to sell out the Olympics a year in advance and it's

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the worst thing that's happened in this country, it was a disgrace

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way the tickets were so popular. woman on the TV going: the tickets

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have turned people into haves have nots. I don't want to get

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Bertrand Russell on your arse, but by definition, you're either a have

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or have nots. 3D telly, kids, chlamydia, everything is a have and

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have not. And just for the record: have, have not, have not. But it was

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a lottery, a randomly assigned computer draw, people were getting

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angry, how dare us - the poor computer picked these things,

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"Computer didn't want to make people sad, computer picked tickets

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randomly, computer like all sports, computer sorry he made people

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unhappy. No, computer not like diving, diving bad for computer. Why

:18:05.:18:15.
:18:15.:18:16.

computer talk like Hulk?" It's confusing though. I saw a headline:

:18:16.:18:22.

2012 ticket hopefuls disappointed, and I thought, that's not that many.

:18:22.:18:27.

Boris Johnson wants everybody to go on public transport. If you've spent

:18:27.:18:32.

725 quid for the 100m finals for event that lasts 10 seconds, are you

:18:32.:18:36.

going to risk going on public transport, you are 12 seconds late,

:18:36.:18:46.
:18:46.:18:47.

you're already watching the lap of honour. I saw a bloke on the telly

:18:47.:18:52.

who summed up the Olympics from the east end, he went: I've been against

:18:52.:19:01.

these games from day one, I tell you why, for that whole month, I ain't

:19:01.:19:09.

going to be able to get out of my turning. The what? The turning! He

:19:09.:19:13.

lives in a turning. Get out of the turning, and go in the turning.

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was genuinely thinking, what's a churny? What worries me most,

:19:19.:19:24.

you're sitting in the stadium, you're going to get berated by those

:19:25.:19:29.

two ridiculous mascots, Wenlock and Mandeville. They sound like two gay

:19:29.:19:35.

antique dealers. But one of them, brilliantly, incorporated into his

:19:35.:19:40.

uniform, his costume, he's got orange light to denote the iconic

:19:40.:19:45.

status of the London cab. Like London cab byes absolutely embody

:19:45.:19:50.

the Olympic spirit. "I tell what's wrong with London, too many

:19:50.:19:56.

foreigners". I can't get out of the turning. The turning will the

:19:56.:20:06.
:20:06.:20:07.

blocked up. Have you been studying Popeye? In other news, who was

:20:07.:20:12.

covered in mud last weekend? Anybody at Glastonbury. Glastonbury

:20:12.:20:17.

is always criticised, every year they say it is very muddy, and it's

:20:17.:20:27.
:20:27.:20:27.

too middle class. It's like War One sponsored by John Lewis. A

:20:27.:20:32.

tricky dilemma now, for middle class people, do you go to Glastonbury

:20:32.:20:36.

do you go to Wimbledon? And they're obviously very similar things now,

:20:37.:20:42.

because both of them feature of Brits who are out of it on day

:20:42.:20:48.

one. I saw U2 on there, and they were terrible. They put me off of

:20:48.:20:53.

going to concerts forever, I went to see them at Wembley. Bono kept

:20:53.:21:03.
:21:03.:21:04.

saying, "Come on, join in, you know this one". "the many voices of Micky

:21:04.:21:11.

Flanagan". He went (Irish come on, you know this one, don't

:21:11.:21:16.

you. I'm thinking, I paid 25 quid to get in here, you're getting

:21:16.:21:21.

quarter of a million pounds, you sing the song. I have a new found

:21:21.:21:26.

sympathy for the people of Nigeria now. This is true, I was 16 when I

:21:26.:21:30.

first went to Glastonbury, we thought we would do the whole thing,

:21:30.:21:36.

"Let's try and buy some wacky baccy", we bought an Oxo cube, we

:21:36.:21:42.

smoked it anyway, sod it, let's a go. Quite nice, beefy. Did anyone

:21:42.:21:48.

go? I'd rather eat my own poo. You possibly would have done if

:21:48.:21:56.

gone to Glastonbury. The idea of spending - my mate said he looked

:21:56.:22:00.

down into the toilet trench there laying in the poo was the

:22:00.:22:04.

thickest pair of glasses he had ever seen in his life. Someone had gone

:22:05.:22:13.

to Glastonbury and gone - oh cyst. - oh Christ. Is that Bono up there?

:22:13.:22:16.

(Irish accent) yes, it is, you know this one. Have you found

:22:16.:22:22.

you're looking for? You go to this, don't you? Yes, I missed out this

:22:22.:22:27.

year, but I believe you and I have both been. Yes, one 24-hour period

:22:27.:22:32.

when I went to Glastonbury. Every year I celebrate it, I sit at home

:22:32.:22:37.

and watch it on the telly, that I am not knee deep in mud, waiting for

:22:37.:22:42.

the Dandy Warhols to play their one hit. And making the best of it.

:22:42.:22:50.

na, na, na. Oh, that's that then. don't think that was the Dandy

:22:50.:22:54.

Warhols. I think you're trying to do Chelsea dagger there. That's the

:22:54.:22:58.

Fratellis. That's why you didn't enjoy it. He was there watching the

:22:58.:23:03.

Dandy Warhols going, "I don't know any of these". In front of them

:23:03.:23:09.

going na, na, na, na. Play that one, play that one. Any requests? Yes,

:23:09.:23:17.

the one that goes na, na, na, na. "we're the wrong band, you idiot".

:23:17.:23:22.

Michael Eavis said it was too middle class, and he blamed Kate Moss. She

:23:22.:23:25.

smokes 80 a day, drinks vodka the bottle and comes from Croydon.

:23:25.:23:34.

If she's middle class, Jordan is aristocracy. The points go to Micky,

:23:34.:23:41.

Zoe and Andy. Now we come We'd Like to See, so if everyone can

:23:41.:23:45.

make their way over performance area, I'll read out the

:23:45.:23:49.

topics and then we'll see what the panellists can come up with. The

:23:49.:23:58.

first subject tonight is: Dear Deidre, I have recently become

:23:58.:24:00.

obsessed with a woman and begun stalking her. Look out of the

:24:01.:24:10.

window. My partner won't give me oral sex. Which is really annoying,

:24:10.:24:13.

because that's the only reason I formed the coalition with him in the

:24:13.:24:23.
:24:23.:24:26.

first place. My wife says I feel anything. Which is a problem,

:24:26.:24:36.
:24:36.:24:37.

and there was something else. Oh yes, I'm on fire. I'm 26, my

:24:38.:24:42.

girlfriend is 36, is ten years too big an age gap? Because her

:24:42.:24:52.

daughter's 16, she's a right little sort. I have recently met a woman

:24:52.:25:02.
:25:02.:25:05.

who makes me feel young again. She's 167. Dear Deidre, I am from

:25:05.:25:15.

I am fed up of Micky Flanagan mocking my accent! Dear Auntie, I'm

:25:15.:25:20.

a very nervous person, and sudden noises really startle me, even if I

:25:20.:25:30.
:25:30.:25:30.

hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out. (buzz) my mates are all getting

:25:30.:25:34.

into drugs, but I don't know what to do. Should I charge them mates'

:25:34.:25:43.

rates, or just normal prices? Dear Deidre, I am a control freak.

:25:43.:25:53.

should I do? I'll tell you what I should do. I am 96, but I'm

:25:53.:26:03.
:26:03.:26:04.

convinced that young women fancy me. Do I have penile dementia?

:26:04.:26:12.

I've been wanting to come and see you for a long time, but I can't get

:26:12.:26:20.

out of the turning! I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

:26:20.:26:26.

Could you tell us, please, how to get out of position 43 of the kama

:26:26.:26:32.

sutra? I work in the public sector, and I'm really, really really,

:26:32.:26:42.
:26:42.:26:43.

really worried about my pension! Okay, the next topic is:

:26:43.:26:48.

Well, at two sets down, let's see what he's got in his locker. He's

:26:48.:26:55.

not going to be there for about 20 minutes, I've got a crowbar. Serena

:26:55.:27:03.

Williams has been seeded. You've to admire the bravery of that bloke.

:27:03.:27:13.
:27:13.:27:15.

Hello, I'm Sue Barker. You may remember my father, Chewbacca. Well,

:27:15.:27:18.

they say that the All England Club is a bit behind the times, and

:27:18.:27:22.

that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for

:27:22.:27:32.

stealing a strawberry. I am a tennis umpire, and gay. And it wasn't easy

:27:32.:27:42.
:27:42.:27:43.

to come: OUT! What a fantastic slice, but I do think

:27:43.:27:53.
:27:53.:28:01.

England Club will insist she wears knickers again next year. Lock off

:28:01.:28:10.

Tim! How did the umpire get up there? I think he must have used

:28:10.:28:19.

sepp latter. This year, the British players play a lot better, if we

:28:19.:28:24.

look at this graph, we see huge biceps, and an angry - sorry,

:28:24.:28:29.

Steffi, wrong graph. And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you

:28:29.:28:39.
:28:39.:28:40.

see there in that glass of Pimms is fruit. And while we're here, Andy

:28:40.:28:44.

Murray not being able to make it here today, but we have his cab

:28:44.:28:48.

driver on the other line, tell us what's occurred? "I can't

:28:48.:28:58.
:28:58.:28:58.

get out of the turning!" And the mound has taken a real

:28:58.:29:04.

mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight. But I think

:29:04.:29:08.

All England Club are fine with it, as long as it doesn't affect her

:29:08.:29:14.

tennis. At the end of that round, the points go to Andy, Hugh and

:29:15.:29:20.

Milton. And that is the end of the show,

:29:21.:29:25.

this week's winners are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Micky

:29:25.:29:31.

Flanagan. Commiserations to Alun Cochrane, Hugh Dennis and Milton

:29:31.:29:38.