Episode 5 Mock the Week


Episode 5

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This programme contains strong Hello and welcome to Mock The Week,

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I'm Dara O'Briain, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and

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Micky Flanagan, Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Jack Whitehall.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Headliners now. A picture of the

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Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles with his

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boss, but what does PIBC stand for? Is it his list of priorities? Is it

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pies, ice-cream, burgers, communities? Perhaps pressure

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intense belt collapsing. Or pickles increases to bigger cup size.

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pelican impersonation bemuses Cameron? Is it what happens when

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one of them goes back to the Stone Age and starts investigating crime

:01:39.:01:49.
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in PIBC!? Is it just simply pig What if I wrecked your world and

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said it's nothing to do with his waist? Are you trying to tell me

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it's not politician impersonates bouncy castle? Please, I'm

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begging,... Chocolate. Is it pickles in benefits

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controversy possibly? My lord, absolutely right. Thank you very

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much, Hugh, well done. Yes, the answer was Pickles in benefits

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controversy, the news that a letter leaked to the Observer Eric Pickles

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eefs office warned the Government planned changing to welfares could

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make up to 40,000 families homeless, 20,000 due to the proposed �500 a

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week cap on benefits. It's difficult to take the man seriously.

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Let's face it, Mr Pickles is not the game of a Government minister,

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it's the name of a cat! Do you want to make people homeless, oh, Mr

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Pickles! And thank you for the mouse, Mr Pickles, that's the best

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gift we've ever had. The fact is that he warned the Government there

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would be 40,000 more homeless and nobody did anything about it

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because presumably in the worst case scenario they are thinking

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they could hollow out Eric Pickles and 40,000 people could live in

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there. 40,000 people, the population of Swindon will be left

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without their houses and I thought well, that doesn't sound that bad,

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Swindon's a shit hole. Have you ever been to Swindon? Yes, went to

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school near there, obviously not in Swindon. Marlborough is very

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different from Swindon! It's that far apart geographically,

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culturally 4,000 miles. The school you went to probably has more in

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common with Hogwarts than Swindon. The Conservative minister it

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wouldn't make people homeless, he said it might lead to individual

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cases of housing mobility. Conniving tosspot he is. It was six

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weeks ago the letter was sent, the e-mail. It was in January. It was

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clever because my theory was that Cameron was trying to push through

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the screw you policies while the Royal Wedding was going on for

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distraction, it was like, enjoy yourselves because you'll be

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sleeping on the streets soon, the price of petrol's goingen up, look

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at Pippa Middleton's arse, shhh. There's very few people that...

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Shameless did a Royal Wedding special. I saw a benefit cheat

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recently, went to Glee Live at the 0 2 and that one through the

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wheelchair got up and danced, it was like a dream sequence and I

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thought, you can't do that! other news... Is there other news?

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Amazingly there is. What has Iain Duncan Smith been calling for this

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week? He's said, Iain Duncan Smith has called on British bosses to

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employ more British people. The British bosses have said that they

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can't do that because foreign workers work much more efficiently

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than the British who've lost their work ethic and that's as much as

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I'm going to say unless I'm on double time. And I get another tea

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break. Well, as a foreigner I'll pick up the slack then, won't I?!

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Ed? I have a very left-wing and liberal attitude to immigration.

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The only thing that comes into it though is that you go, welcome them,

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let them come in, then you get refused entry into a nightclub by a

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bouncer from Lithuania, then your attitude towards immigration turns

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sideways. Every bouncer is from Eastern Europe and the bouncers,

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the hard-working conscientious don't watch Mock The Week, right!

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Then you hate yourself for the stuff you come out, lefty liberal

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going, what co-do you mean you won't let me in, we let you in!

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I read an article saying a lot of Russian women get inside this

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country inside a lot of other Russian women. Eastern Europeans,

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they are very keen to work, aren't they? As an example, right, there

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was a Serbian and a Czech able to win the Wimbledon Championship in

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two weeks, whereas a British person with the same qualifications has

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been unable to do it for 75 years! You don't mind having efficient

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cherry pickers, but you don't want an Eastern European traffic warden,

:07:06.:07:16.
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do you.? 500 tickets this morning, I need to drink something... What

:07:21.:07:31.
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about when they go "ah, ah, ah, ah...". No parking ticket, no

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parking in this area. Is that Dracula or Bob Dylan?! You cannot

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park here! Presumably the traffic warden goes

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"and why are you parked here?" and the driver goes "I couldn't get in".

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OK. Fast becoming... We are lazy as a nation. As I speak, my shoes are

:08:04.:08:14.
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on fire. Which wrish sportsman had a bad week? David Haye -- British

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sportsman. He was sad because he came away with a broken toe and

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loads of bruises. Most British blokes going to Hamburg for the

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weekend come away with an STI. weird, he came as a baked potato

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and I didn't know it was fancy dress. He didn't come as a boxer.

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picked on him once at a comedy club, he was in the front row, I looked

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at him in the front row and I went "what do you do?" and he went "I'm

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a boxer" and I went "practise this expression "you can't come in, you

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are wearing trainers, you are going to need it one day" and he looked

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at me and I went "I'll move on". They have to do some stupid carry

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on, they have a little bag and they punch it. Is that in case you get

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attacked or someone ties you upside down. They get each other riled up.

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Don't get him annoyed because he's about to go into the ring and punch

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you. I'd spend the pre-stuff being nice going, after the fight, let's

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get a pizza and watch You've Got Mail. You've never seen boxing have

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you?! That one? That one, yes. and get me. I thought of Strictly

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Come Dancing there. It's the pinser shit, oh that shift is good,

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defensive, not getting me! I've never been in a fight. No. Do you

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know, I would have guessed that. Although after this I think I might.

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Jack, many ways I would describe you, but "Street" is not one of

:10:08.:10:18.
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them. The points go to Hugh, Jack and Milton. Now a round called JK

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Rowling In The Aisles. Andy, Ed and Micky, take to the floor please. We

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pick a news story and talk about the subject. The winner is whoever

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is the funniest. The first subject is the Olympics. Who wants to come

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in on that? Andy Parsons? Now, I don't know how you got on

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with getting tickets for the Olympics, there are still tickets

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for the Greco Roman wrestling. Yeah. Woopy doo. There aren't so many

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Romans in Britain any more are there and those Greeks can't afford

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the tickets. And we will have forever our first GB football team.

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Yes, it will be the first time that Ryan Giggs, Ashley Cole and John

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Terry have got together since the last Miss World contest. If you

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haven't got any tickets, go and see the Olympic road race cycling,

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right, it's free, yeah. But it's not the same as proper road cycling.

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Never in the Olympics to you see something going off into a ditch

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because there's a lorry turning left and never do you see somebody

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go over the handle bars because some idiot in his car's opened the

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door without looking in his side Mir Rory. Never do you see somebody

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fall off their bike because a car's screamed past and somebody's wound

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down the window and shouted "boo "! Although that may happen when the

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Olympics come to Hackney in 2012. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

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OK. Let's spin the wheel again. The subject is food. Who wants a go at

:12:04.:12:14.
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that? Milton? I went for an Italian recently. Well, he was annoying me.

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Incredible to think isn't it that every single Scotsman started off

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as a scotch egg. Cold and ginger. I was grilling some tomatoes the

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other day saying "who are you, where do you come from?". I almost

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got into the SAS, failed on one question, they said "imagine the

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scenario, terrorists have taken hostages, they are holding them in

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an embassy, what are your preferred tactics"? I said "I like the orange

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ones". I was in the park the other day

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watching an old man feed the birds. After a while I thought to myself,

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I wonder how long he's been dead. When the boys in the playground

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found out that I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts, they used

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to shove me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with

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a bag of Revels. That's all. Good night!

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Well done, you. Micky, your topic is culture that you've been left

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with. Yeah, here we go, all right. Look. Thank you. You're thinking,

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this man doesn't enjoy culture. Well, you're right, I hate it. No,

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I am an intellectual, I left school with nothing, went to university

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though later and got a degree when I was 29. Tough speaking up in a

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lecture and people were thinking, blimey, the window cleaner's keen.

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When I got the degree, I thought, that's it, I'll be interested in

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things now, it's going to be fine so I'll go back to the art

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galleries again. I don't like art galleries, never quite sure how

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long you are supposed to look at the pictures for, they should give

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you a bit of guidance. I can crack on in a gallery, I really can,

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three or four minutes, "boss, not bad, not bad, messed that up". The

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wife's crying at a Matisse, "come on, love, there's a Wetherspoons

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around the corner". But the other thing is, you've got to enjoy

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looking at other cities actually. Does the City break exist? I went

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with the wife to Prague the other week afrd after a couple of days

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she said "are you enjoying yourself?" and I said "yes, just

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paid �15 quid for two cups of coffee, but at least we've got that

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bridge to walk over again, eh, cos I've never done that before..." "or

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maybe we could go to the Castle". Thank you very much. The points

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after that round go to Andy and Micky.

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Our next round is called Answer... What Is The Question?. On the board

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are six categories. Milton which category would you like? Oh, sport,

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please. Sport is the category, the answer

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is one. What is the question? in the majority of cases, how many

:15:43.:15:53.
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people does it actually take to change a light bulb? Is it, what

:15:54.:16:04.
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would I give Keira Knightley? what is Obi Kenobi Kobe's middle

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name? Is it, if you ask one of the cast members of Geordie Shore to

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count to ten at what point their head would explode? Is it how many

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hairs does Wayne Rooney have left on his arse? Is it the average

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number of times a bag for life is used? Is it how many lives did my

:16:26.:16:36.
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cat actually have? Is it what was Adam and Eve's postcode? Is it the

:16:38.:16:48.
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number of fathers day cards Prince Is it what is on the back of the

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Queen's dressing gown? You're going to have to give us more of a clue.

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What score do you need to get to beat someone that scored nil?

:17:07.:17:14.

the story about Nadal getting beaten by Screech from Saved by the

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Bell. I think I know what it is, it's not about being world number

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one. I think it's about Djokovic has only lost one match all year.

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That's it, very, very good, well done, thank you very much. That's

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it, yeah. Yes, the question I was looking for

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was, how many matches has new Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic

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lost this year, in an incredible run of form culminating in his

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victory in the men's singles final, he's won 48 of the 49 matches he's

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played. He's this week been named as the world's number one player.

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Did you watch it? Yes, I hate tennis. Got a real chip on my

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shoulder about tennis, they never came to our school asking if we

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wanted to be ballboys. Probably wouldn't have lasted very long to

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be honest with you. "come on, mate, want me to low tr net a little bit

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for you?" -- lower the net for you a little bit. Difficult journey to

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get to Wimbledon actually, Underground, Overground... I get

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annoyed by the commentary team because Boris Becker, I can take

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his criticism, he's won it three times, John McEnroe he's won it,

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but Andrew Castle pipes up going, "he's not going to win" and we were

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like, you went out once in the third round to a Latvian player who

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no-one knew. He said he was inspired by Djokovic's victory.

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That's counterintuitive because that meant that it's just one more

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person he's unlikely to beat. nice seeing Murray on Centre Court

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though isn't it, one Scotsman in London with a roof over his head

:18:58.:19:06.

really. The bit of technology I do like is hawk aye Yahoo!. It's great.

:19:06.:19:12.

To me, that sounds like a Native American chief -- Hawk-Eye. When

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you go "let's ask Hawk-Eye", you expect it to go "that ball out it

:19:21.:19:30.

land like big cloud of dust like buffalo". Is it just me then?!

:19:30.:19:34.

has been revealed this week about Sharapova? Her grunt is apparently

:19:34.:19:38.

louder than the traffic on the M25. Yes. Surely that's just because the

:19:38.:19:45.

traffic is very rarely moving on the M25. Yes, they ran her -- spoke

:19:45.:19:52.

to her about the rant. The noise is like between a freight train and

:19:52.:19:56.

pneumatic drill. It would be good if you could put 50 of them on

:19:56.:20:05.

together in your bedroom really loud. The neighbours will be going

:20:05.:20:15.
:20:15.:20:17.

"Christ, he's a bit near the mark next door", "oh, oh...". When you

:20:17.:20:20.

are with someone who sounds like they're hitting a tennis ball

:20:20.:20:29.

though. A woman asked me my front door number during sex once. Still

:20:29.:20:34.

to this day I don't know why. I was banging away and she went "oh,

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Michael, what's your front door number?", that's the absolute truth.

:20:41.:20:47.

Was she trying to figure out whether you were in your own

:20:47.:20:51.

garden? Why didn't you take her into the house? I think she was

:20:51.:20:56.

just trying to find out where I lived. Possibly. People shout out

:20:56.:21:04.

strange things during sex. My last girlfriend said tell me I've been a

:21:04.:21:14.
:21:14.:21:14.

bad girl and I said it and she said why and I said, "you deleted

:21:14.:21:22.

MasterChef from Sky+". What film are we waving goodbye to this week?

:21:22.:21:27.

Harry Potter. When is the premiere? I don't know. You asked the

:21:27.:21:31.

question. The story, I don't know. It must be this week. It's the

:21:31.:21:35.

deathly allows part two, isn't it. Is that right? I've no idea, I

:21:35.:21:40.

don't know. See, you don't know. Why are you asking me? Yes, it is.

:21:40.:21:45.

The audience know more than we do. Neither watched them nor read them,

:21:45.:21:50.

this thing has passed me by. I've read them all, but the Deathly

:21:50.:21:52.

Hallows was in one massive book that stretched from here to here

:21:52.:21:58.

and I read it to my son every night for six-and-a-half years. Is it

:21:58.:22:02.

because towards the end of a writing career JK Rowling was so

:22:02.:22:06.

rich that no-one was going to go, you could probably edit that doin

:22:06.:22:11.

"oh, really, here are a million pounds for you to go away".

:22:12.:22:16.

cast are rich as well. Daniel Radcliffe is supposedly now worth

:22:16.:22:20.

�48 million, but unfortunately, it's all in Gringott and now the

:22:20.:22:24.

films are over, he can't get in there any more. I haven't read any

:22:24.:22:29.

of the books, although I watch the films with the subtitles on, so

:22:29.:22:36.

I've technically read them all! There was an interview with Daniel

:22:36.:22:41.

Radcliffe and he was talking about him being teetotal now, he was

:22:41.:22:45.

partying and drinking when he was 18, now he's already given all that

:22:45.:22:49.

up. I asked what advice would you give to yourself as a younger man

:22:49.:22:55.

and he said "don't try to be something you are not" which is a

:22:55.:23:00.

very odd thing for an actor to say. You know, he's not a locking wizard,

:23:00.:23:06.

you know. Daniel radcif has �48 million in the bank apparently, but

:23:06.:23:12.

he's said it's not for fast cars and hookers -- Daniel Radcliffe.

:23:12.:23:17.

But yes, yes it is. What are you going to do with it?! I want to see

:23:17.:23:20.

what the next stage is because they've had them at school. I want

:23:20.:23:24.

to see them at gap year. I want to see Harry Potter doing his UCAS

:23:24.:23:29.

because I know even though he did all that stuff, he still would have

:23:29.:23:34.

got screwed over by UCAS, it's like you defeated the Quidditch, but you

:23:34.:23:41.

didn't do D of E so you can't come to Birmingham Polytechnic. Everyone

:23:41.:23:45.

gets screwed over by it, yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:23:45.:23:48.

There are some people who didn't get into their first choice

:23:48.:23:52.

universities. He's speaking your truth, isn't he? No-one here had a

:23:52.:23:58.

clue what he just said, not a clue. D of E, Duke of Edinburgh awards

:23:58.:24:03.

where you have to be ray sust to someone.

:24:03.:24:08.

-- racist. The points go to Jack, Hugh and

:24:08.:24:12.

Milton. Now, we come to scenes we'd like to

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see, so if everyone could make their way to the performance area.

:24:16.:24:19.

I'll read out the topics, then we'll see what the panellists can

:24:19.:24:23.

come up with. Here we go, the first subject is...

:24:23.:24:28.

Unlikely questions from this year's exams.

:24:28.:24:32.

Discuss the met physical meaning of the following poem. My friend Billy

:24:32.:24:42.
:24:42.:24:48.

Would you like this exam to be A, multiple choice, or not...

:24:48.:24:57.

The Bronte sisters, shag married, push off a cliff? Discuss the

:24:57.:25:06.

following - the Nazis got all their ideas from the history channel.

:25:06.:25:11.

Who's the chap in The A-Team who would not go on the aeroplane, was

:25:11.:25:19.

it A, B, or B, A? If a bank loses �60 billion in a six month period,

:25:19.:25:24.

using numbers that you've plucked out of thin air, work out what the

:25:24.:25:34.
:25:34.:25:36.

Chief Executive's bonus will be? Napoleon. A small man, or a long

:25:36.:25:46.
:25:46.:25:50.

Quantify N in terms of Q when Q is a positive interchur that directs a

:25:50.:26:00.
:26:00.:26:01.

parabolic curve. How's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?!

:26:01.:26:11.
:26:11.:26:11.

What's the name of that round thing that they throw in the Olympics?

:26:11.:26:18.

Discus. Poetry. Is it all a bit gay?

:26:18.:26:23.

Draw diagram of the genitalia of the male elephant. Use all 30

:26:23.:26:33.
:26:33.:26:33.

sheets of paper provided. Biology. Without singing, what is the knee

:26:33.:26:40.

bone connected to? Explain the use of juxtaposition in Macbeth,

:26:40.:26:43.

alternatively, write down everything you know about Macbeth

:26:43.:26:50.

in a blind panic cos you've got no idea what the word "juxtaposition"

:26:50.:26:56.

Drama, question one. What was it that first made you want to become

:26:56.:27:06.
:27:06.:27:10.

a waiter? What is your PIN number? OK, the next topic is unlikely

:27:10.:27:17.

things to read on a motorway sign? For Middlesbrough, take the exit

:27:17.:27:24.

marked hell and then lose the will to live.

:27:24.:27:33.

Accident, you were one. Love mum and dad. When lights flash, dogging

:27:33.:27:43.
:27:43.:27:46.

There may be trouble ahead, prepare to face music and dance. You are

:27:46.:27:49.

now 200 metres beyond the junction that your piece of shit satnav is

:27:49.:27:55.

telling you you are approaching now. For those of you lacking for more

:27:55.:28:02.

safety tips, text now. Beware, giant scissors coming towards you

:28:02.:28:12.
:28:12.:28:15.

Turn on lights in tunnel. They're on the right just above the

:28:15.:28:25.
:28:25.:28:29.

entrance. Turn off the satnav. Use the force, Luke. The north, where

:28:29.:28:39.
:28:39.:28:40.

the men are real men and so are If you can taste this sign, it

:28:40.:28:50.
:28:50.:28:50.

means you've crashed into it. banana skin behind car now, Super

:28:50.:28:59.

Mario and Diddy Kon approaching from rear. There was a young man

:28:59.:29:03.

from Preston who tried to drive to Heston, the sign wouldn't rhyme and

:29:03.:29:13.

he ploughed into the back of a juggernaut. Pick us up a pint of

:29:13.:29:19.

milk teleTel, thanks, Trace. At the end of that round, the points go to

:29:19.:29:26.

Jack, Hugh and Milton. And that's the end of the show.

:29:26.:29:36.

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