Episode 5 Mock the Week

This programme contains strong Hello and welcome to Mock The Week,

I'm Dara O'Briain, joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and

Micky Flanagan, Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Jack Whitehall.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Headliners now. A picture of the

Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles with his

boss, but what does PIBC stand for? Is it his list of priorities? Is it

pies, ice-cream, burgers, communities? Perhaps pressure

intense belt collapsing. Or pickles increases to bigger cup size.

pelican impersonation bemuses Cameron? Is it what happens when

one of them goes back to the Stone Age and starts investigating crime

in PIBC!? Is it just simply pig What if I wrecked your world and

said it's nothing to do with his waist? Are you trying to tell me

it's not politician impersonates bouncy castle? Please, I'm

begging,... Chocolate. Is it pickles in benefits

controversy possibly? My lord, absolutely right. Thank you very

much, Hugh, well done. Yes, the answer was Pickles in benefits

controversy, the news that a letter leaked to the Observer Eric Pickles

eefs office warned the Government planned changing to welfares could

make up to 40,000 families homeless, 20,000 due to the proposed �500 a

week cap on benefits. It's difficult to take the man seriously.

Let's face it, Mr Pickles is not the game of a Government minister,

it's the name of a cat! Do you want to make people homeless, oh, Mr

Pickles! And thank you for the mouse, Mr Pickles, that's the best

gift we've ever had. The fact is that he warned the Government there

would be 40,000 more homeless and nobody did anything about it

because presumably in the worst case scenario they are thinking

they could hollow out Eric Pickles and 40,000 people could live in

there. 40,000 people, the population of Swindon will be left

without their houses and I thought well, that doesn't sound that bad,

Swindon's a shit hole. Have you ever been to Swindon? Yes, went to

school near there, obviously not in Swindon. Marlborough is very

different from Swindon! It's that far apart geographically,

culturally 4,000 miles. The school you went to probably has more in

common with Hogwarts than Swindon. The Conservative minister it

wouldn't make people homeless, he said it might lead to individual

cases of housing mobility. Conniving tosspot he is. It was six

weeks ago the letter was sent, the e-mail. It was in January. It was

clever because my theory was that Cameron was trying to push through

the screw you policies while the Royal Wedding was going on for

distraction, it was like, enjoy yourselves because you'll be

sleeping on the streets soon, the price of petrol's goingen up, look

at Pippa Middleton's arse, shhh. There's very few people that...

Shameless did a Royal Wedding special. I saw a benefit cheat

recently, went to Glee Live at the 0 2 and that one through the

wheelchair got up and danced, it was like a dream sequence and I

thought, you can't do that! other news... Is there other news?

Amazingly there is. What has Iain Duncan Smith been calling for this

week? He's said, Iain Duncan Smith has called on British bosses to

employ more British people. The British bosses have said that they

can't do that because foreign workers work much more efficiently

than the British who've lost their work ethic and that's as much as

I'm going to say unless I'm on double time. And I get another tea

break. Well, as a foreigner I'll pick up the slack then, won't I?!

Ed? I have a very left-wing and liberal attitude to immigration.

The only thing that comes into it though is that you go, welcome them,

let them come in, then you get refused entry into a nightclub by a

bouncer from Lithuania, then your attitude towards immigration turns

sideways. Every bouncer is from Eastern Europe and the bouncers,

the hard-working conscientious don't watch Mock The Week, right!

Then you hate yourself for the stuff you come out, lefty liberal

going, what co-do you mean you won't let me in, we let you in!

I read an article saying a lot of Russian women get inside this

country inside a lot of other Russian women. Eastern Europeans,

they are very keen to work, aren't they? As an example, right, there

was a Serbian and a Czech able to win the Wimbledon Championship in

two weeks, whereas a British person with the same qualifications has

been unable to do it for 75 years! You don't mind having efficient

cherry pickers, but you don't want an Eastern European traffic warden,

do you.? 500 tickets this morning, I need to drink something... What

about when they go "ah, ah, ah, ah...". No parking ticket, no

parking in this area. Is that Dracula or Bob Dylan?! You cannot

park here! Presumably the traffic warden goes

"and why are you parked here?" and the driver goes "I couldn't get in".

OK. Fast becoming... We are lazy as a nation. As I speak, my shoes are

on fire. Which wrish sportsman had a bad week? David Haye -- British

sportsman. He was sad because he came away with a broken toe and

loads of bruises. Most British blokes going to Hamburg for the

weekend come away with an STI. weird, he came as a baked potato

and I didn't know it was fancy dress. He didn't come as a boxer.

picked on him once at a comedy club, he was in the front row, I looked

at him in the front row and I went "what do you do?" and he went "I'm

a boxer" and I went "practise this expression "you can't come in, you

are wearing trainers, you are going to need it one day" and he looked

at me and I went "I'll move on". They have to do some stupid carry

on, they have a little bag and they punch it. Is that in case you get

attacked or someone ties you upside down. They get each other riled up.

Don't get him annoyed because he's about to go into the ring and punch

you. I'd spend the pre-stuff being nice going, after the fight, let's

get a pizza and watch You've Got Mail. You've never seen boxing have

you?! That one? That one, yes. and get me. I thought of Strictly

Come Dancing there. It's the pinser shit, oh that shift is good,

defensive, not getting me! I've never been in a fight. No. Do you

know, I would have guessed that. Although after this I think I might.

Jack, many ways I would describe you, but "Street" is not one of

them. The points go to Hugh, Jack and Milton. Now a round called JK

Rowling In The Aisles. Andy, Ed and Micky, take to the floor please. We

pick a news story and talk about the subject. The winner is whoever

is the funniest. The first subject is the Olympics. Who wants to come

in on that? Andy Parsons? Now, I don't know how you got on

with getting tickets for the Olympics, there are still tickets

for the Greco Roman wrestling. Yeah. Woopy doo. There aren't so many

Romans in Britain any more are there and those Greeks can't afford

the tickets. And we will have forever our first GB football team.

Yes, it will be the first time that Ryan Giggs, Ashley Cole and John

Terry have got together since the last Miss World contest. If you

haven't got any tickets, go and see the Olympic road race cycling,

right, it's free, yeah. But it's not the same as proper road cycling.

Never in the Olympics to you see something going off into a ditch

because there's a lorry turning left and never do you see somebody

go over the handle bars because some idiot in his car's opened the

door without looking in his side Mir Rory. Never do you see somebody

fall off their bike because a car's screamed past and somebody's wound

down the window and shouted "boo "! Although that may happen when the

Olympics come to Hackney in 2012. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.

OK. Let's spin the wheel again. The subject is food. Who wants a go at

that? Milton? I went for an Italian recently. Well, he was annoying me.

Incredible to think isn't it that every single Scotsman started off

as a scotch egg. Cold and ginger. I was grilling some tomatoes the

other day saying "who are you, where do you come from?". I almost

got into the SAS, failed on one question, they said "imagine the

scenario, terrorists have taken hostages, they are holding them in

an embassy, what are your preferred tactics"? I said "I like the orange

ones". I was in the park the other day

watching an old man feed the birds. After a while I thought to myself,

I wonder how long he's been dead. When the boys in the playground

found out that I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts, they used

to shove me up against the wall and make me play Russian roulette with

a bag of Revels. That's all. Good night!

Well done, you. Micky, your topic is culture that you've been left

with. Yeah, here we go, all right. Look. Thank you. You're thinking,

this man doesn't enjoy culture. Well, you're right, I hate it. No,

I am an intellectual, I left school with nothing, went to university

though later and got a degree when I was 29. Tough speaking up in a

lecture and people were thinking, blimey, the window cleaner's keen.

When I got the degree, I thought, that's it, I'll be interested in

things now, it's going to be fine so I'll go back to the art

galleries again. I don't like art galleries, never quite sure how

long you are supposed to look at the pictures for, they should give

you a bit of guidance. I can crack on in a gallery, I really can,

three or four minutes, "boss, not bad, not bad, messed that up". The

wife's crying at a Matisse, "come on, love, there's a Wetherspoons

around the corner". But the other thing is, you've got to enjoy

looking at other cities actually. Does the City break exist? I went

with the wife to Prague the other week afrd after a couple of days

she said "are you enjoying yourself?" and I said "yes, just

paid �15 quid for two cups of coffee, but at least we've got that

bridge to walk over again, eh, cos I've never done that before..." "or

maybe we could go to the Castle". Thank you very much. The points

after that round go to Andy and Micky.

Our next round is called Answer... What Is The Question?. On the board

are six categories. Milton which category would you like? Oh, sport,

please. Sport is the category, the answer

is one. What is the question? in the majority of cases, how many

people does it actually take to change a light bulb? Is it, what

would I give Keira Knightley? what is Obi Kenobi Kobe's middle

name? Is it, if you ask one of the cast members of Geordie Shore to

count to ten at what point their head would explode? Is it how many

hairs does Wayne Rooney have left on his arse? Is it the average

number of times a bag for life is used? Is it how many lives did my

cat actually have? Is it what was Adam and Eve's postcode? Is it the

number of fathers day cards Prince Is it what is on the back of the

Queen's dressing gown? You're going to have to give us more of a clue.

What score do you need to get to beat someone that scored nil?

the story about Nadal getting beaten by Screech from Saved by the

Bell. I think I know what it is, it's not about being world number

one. I think it's about Djokovic has only lost one match all year.

That's it, very, very good, well done, thank you very much. That's

it, yeah. Yes, the question I was looking for

was, how many matches has new Wimbledon champion, Novak Djokovic

lost this year, in an incredible run of form culminating in his

victory in the men's singles final, he's won 48 of the 49 matches he's

played. He's this week been named as the world's number one player.

Did you watch it? Yes, I hate tennis. Got a real chip on my

shoulder about tennis, they never came to our school asking if we

wanted to be ballboys. Probably wouldn't have lasted very long to

be honest with you. "come on, mate, want me to low tr net a little bit

for you?" -- lower the net for you a little bit. Difficult journey to

get to Wimbledon actually, Underground, Overground... I get

annoyed by the commentary team because Boris Becker, I can take

his criticism, he's won it three times, John McEnroe he's won it,

but Andrew Castle pipes up going, "he's not going to win" and we were

like, you went out once in the third round to a Latvian player who

no-one knew. He said he was inspired by Djokovic's victory.

That's counterintuitive because that meant that it's just one more

person he's unlikely to beat. nice seeing Murray on Centre Court

though isn't it, one Scotsman in London with a roof over his head

really. The bit of technology I do like is hawk aye Yahoo!. It's great.

To me, that sounds like a Native American chief -- Hawk-Eye. When

you go "let's ask Hawk-Eye", you expect it to go "that ball out it

land like big cloud of dust like buffalo". Is it just me then?!

has been revealed this week about Sharapova? Her grunt is apparently

louder than the traffic on the M25. Yes. Surely that's just because the

traffic is very rarely moving on the M25. Yes, they ran her -- spoke

to her about the rant. The noise is like between a freight train and

pneumatic drill. It would be good if you could put 50 of them on

together in your bedroom really loud. The neighbours will be going

"Christ, he's a bit near the mark next door", "oh, oh...". When you

are with someone who sounds like they're hitting a tennis ball

though. A woman asked me my front door number during sex once. Still

to this day I don't know why. I was banging away and she went "oh,

Michael, what's your front door number?", that's the absolute truth.

Was she trying to figure out whether you were in your own

garden? Why didn't you take her into the house? I think she was

just trying to find out where I lived. Possibly. People shout out

strange things during sex. My last girlfriend said tell me I've been a

bad girl and I said it and she said why and I said, "you deleted

MasterChef from Sky+". What film are we waving goodbye to this week?

Harry Potter. When is the premiere? I don't know. You asked the

question. The story, I don't know. It must be this week. It's the

deathly allows part two, isn't it. Is that right? I've no idea, I

don't know. See, you don't know. Why are you asking me? Yes, it is.

The audience know more than we do. Neither watched them nor read them,

this thing has passed me by. I've read them all, but the Deathly

Hallows was in one massive book that stretched from here to here

and I read it to my son every night for six-and-a-half years. Is it

because towards the end of a writing career JK Rowling was so

rich that no-one was going to go, you could probably edit that doin

"oh, really, here are a million pounds for you to go away".

cast are rich as well. Daniel Radcliffe is supposedly now worth

�48 million, but unfortunately, it's all in Gringott and now the

films are over, he can't get in there any more. I haven't read any

of the books, although I watch the films with the subtitles on, so

I've technically read them all! There was an interview with Daniel

Radcliffe and he was talking about him being teetotal now, he was

partying and drinking when he was 18, now he's already given all that

up. I asked what advice would you give to yourself as a younger man

and he said "don't try to be something you are not" which is a

very odd thing for an actor to say. You know, he's not a locking wizard,

you know. Daniel radcif has �48 million in the bank apparently, but

he's said it's not for fast cars and hookers -- Daniel Radcliffe.

But yes, yes it is. What are you going to do with it?! I want to see

what the next stage is because they've had them at school. I want

to see them at gap year. I want to see Harry Potter doing his UCAS

because I know even though he did all that stuff, he still would have

got screwed over by UCAS, it's like you defeated the Quidditch, but you

didn't do D of E so you can't come to Birmingham Polytechnic. Everyone

gets screwed over by it, yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There are some people who didn't get into their first choice

universities. He's speaking your truth, isn't he? No-one here had a

clue what he just said, not a clue. D of E, Duke of Edinburgh awards

where you have to be ray sust to someone.

-- racist. The points go to Jack, Hugh and

Milton. Now, we come to scenes we'd like to

see, so if everyone could make their way to the performance area.

I'll read out the topics, then we'll see what the panellists can

come up with. Here we go, the first subject is...

Unlikely questions from this year's exams.

Discuss the met physical meaning of the following poem. My friend Billy

Would you like this exam to be A, multiple choice, or not...

The Bronte sisters, shag married, push off a cliff? Discuss the

following - the Nazis got all their ideas from the history channel.

Who's the chap in The A-Team who would not go on the aeroplane, was

it A, B, or B, A? If a bank loses �60 billion in a six month period,

using numbers that you've plucked out of thin air, work out what the

Chief Executive's bonus will be? Napoleon. A small man, or a long

Quantify N in terms of Q when Q is a positive interchur that directs a

parabolic curve. How's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?!

What's the name of that round thing that they throw in the Olympics?

Discus. Poetry. Is it all a bit gay?

Draw diagram of the genitalia of the male elephant. Use all 30

sheets of paper provided. Biology. Without singing, what is the knee

bone connected to? Explain the use of juxtaposition in Macbeth,

alternatively, write down everything you know about Macbeth

in a blind panic cos you've got no idea what the word "juxtaposition"

Drama, question one. What was it that first made you want to become

a waiter? What is your PIN number? OK, the next topic is unlikely

things to read on a motorway sign? For Middlesbrough, take the exit

marked hell and then lose the will to live.

Accident, you were one. Love mum and dad. When lights flash, dogging

There may be trouble ahead, prepare to face music and dance. You are

now 200 metres beyond the junction that your piece of shit satnav is

telling you you are approaching now. For those of you lacking for more

safety tips, text now. Beware, giant scissors coming towards you

Turn on lights in tunnel. They're on the right just above the

entrance. Turn off the satnav. Use the force, Luke. The north, where

the men are real men and so are If you can taste this sign, it

means you've crashed into it. banana skin behind car now, Super

Mario and Diddy Kon approaching from rear. There was a young man

from Preston who tried to drive to Heston, the sign wouldn't rhyme and

he ploughed into the back of a juggernaut. Pick us up a pint of

milk teleTel, thanks, Trace. At the end of that round, the points go to

Jack, Hugh and Milton. And that's the end of the show.