Episode 6 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong Hello and welcome to the last in

the current run of Mock The Week where over the last few weeks we

have seriously weakened the coalition, massively pressurised

the opposition and talked about a load of Sepp Blatter s. Hope you

enjoy it. Ed Balls has been implicated because he was

supposedly part of the plot to overthrow Gordon Brown... It wasn't

Gordon Brown he was trying to overthrow. He loves it... The man...

I will take over here. Basically, he's been... That's good... I'll

get it right this time. You are explaining it beautifully. How did

Ed Balls become implicated? I'll tell you... Well... LAUGHTER

Apparently, it was the first words from David Miliband's mouth when he

heard he had won the election - Ed - Balls! He's been implicated in

the plot to overthrow Tony Blair. He was part of this idea to re-

brand Gordon Brown as Project Volvo. Gordon Brown was supposed to be

dull and unreliable, or dull and reliable! They did some research,

the two parties - Labour found Gordon Brown was likened to a Volvo,

a bear or a buffalo and they did some research on David Cameron. He

was likened to a spritzer, an alcopop, a BMW or a horse. They

wanted to re-brand him because people given these abstract

concepts they thought Gordon Brown, they think about beer and whisky

and David Cameron as spritzer and alcopops. Who could think that was

negative towards Gordon Brown? Hello! LAUGHTER Spritzer drinkers

among us! If it was a Campari he would have had my vote. The last

time Ed Balls saw the memos he says they were on his desk when he was

Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families. What kind of

incompetent person leaves incriminating paperwork on a desk...

Wait a minute. Frankie's plan to oust Dara! It will never happen.

The plan was to try and make him appear more normal. They wanted to

hide his exceptional school record and he was fast-tracked through

politics because he was really clever and they wanted to hide that

fact and make him seem more normal. People wanted to vote for someone

who is like them. I want someone who is exceptional. I spent two

hours yesterday trying to remember if I had a shower or not! That was

true. LAUGHTER Sitting where I am now, I can tell you the answer for

today is no! APPLAUSE What's going on here? A piece of toast with

Osama Bin Laden on it. They would have found it ten years ago but it

was hiding in the toaster. It definitely is him. When somebody

tried to eat it he used a pop-tart as a shield. It is proof that Osama

Bin Laden is toast. Very good. is Osama in his heyday. If you pull

out the crumb tray and pour it into the sink that is more what he looks

like. APPLAUSE Jesus must be well pissed off with this. A few weeks

ago that would have been Jesus. I'm back again, I'm on toast this time.

Toast is unbelievably fickle. Toast chases trends like no other heated

bread. It is not the bread, is it? Think about it. It's the toaster

that's done that. You put the bread in the toaster, it is the toaster

that's cooked his face like Bin Laden so it is the toaster you

idiots! Who has been watching Delia Smith? What has been revealed about

elephants this week? Elephants are like human beings in that they

flirt. They flirt? And everything, elephant chat-up lines. You can

phone up and he will send you messages down the phone? Not an

elephant... Prr, phph... Elephants are overprotective. It is easy for

me to say from my ivory tower. was worth it to get to that joke(!)

What has Iain Duncan Smith been called for this week? He has called

on British bosses to employ more British people. They said they

can't do that because foreign workers much more efficiently and

the British has lost their work ethic. That is much as I'm going to

say unless I'm on double time. foreigner, I will pick up the slack

then, won't I? Ed? I have a very left-wing and liberal attitude to

European immigration. The only thing that comes from it, let them

come in. Then you get refused entry to a nightclub by a bouncer from

Lithuania. It is not just bouncers from Lithuania who turn you away,

is it? Every bouncer are from Eastern European. They are hard-

working, but they don't watch Mock The Week, right? Then you hate

yourself for the stuff you come out for, what do you mean you won't let

me in? We let you in! You don't want an Eastern European traffic

warden, do you? I give, a, you, the ticket this morning. I found, a,

ticket, this morning... What moment does he go ah-ah-ah? You cannot,

park, here. No parking in this area. Dracula or Bob Dylan? You cannot

park here. APPLAUSE Presumably the traffic warden goes, why are you

parked here? The driver goes I couldn't get in to turn it! OK. Our

next round is called Newsreel. We ask Hugh to suggest what might be

being said. This week's clip features the Royal Family. Oh my

God, my arse has gone to sleep. It is a toss up between this and the

Vauxhall Astra. What do you think, Liz? Why don't you ask them if they

can do a deal? A strange dealership - fancy dress. It's one of the

girls from Sheila's Wheels! I want the big one out the front, all

leathered up. It is not the first time I have said that. I'm a proper

judge. Can you get me a super- injunction? What have you done?

Practically everything. Well, as you can see, from the footage from

the speed camera, it's a black Daimler. With bullet-proof glass,

registration plate HRH1 so if you can decide which of the two of you

was driving, it will save a lot of time and trouble. We have also got

your husband's hard drive, madam. I thought I got the safeguards on,

must have forgotten. Did they find anything on the computer? Well, it

was rather sweet. 6,000 images of Pippa Middleton. If you will excuse

me, I have to do a bit of moonlighting, shouldn't take a

minute. Yes. Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

APPLAUSE Can you see what's going on over there? They are trying to

fit me up for a crime I never did. Speeding and looking at the

posterior of a very attractive young lady, I don't get it. Since

when has that been a crime? They can't bang you up for that, can

they? Perhaps they can. I've done nothing. If you want to arrest

someone for a crime, get Princess Beatrice for that hat she wore at

the Royal Wedding. It looked like a mutant curly-wurly with fuzzy felt!

Now, so Philip Louis Stavros Mountbatten Windsor you are charged

of 365 counts of endangering wildlife and 18 of impersonating a

policeman with an Indian accent. How do you plead? Oh piss off.

APPLAUSE Well done. Why has strike action been called? This is to do

with the pensions. Yes. One in five people alive today are going to

live to 100. That is how bad the situation is. One in five people.

I'm not happy about that at all. You think I'm in my late 30s and I

already fart when I cough so I'm not happy about that. You have not

got a tickly throat at the moment. What has been discovered this week

about man flu? It exists apparently. In what way? In the way that men

get... SHE COUGHS that way! APPLAUSE She is on her period!

Never mind. You can clap, she's coughed and I've still got to sit

here. Apparently man flu does exist. Women are better at fighting off

the viruses because we've got stronger sex hormones. That's

official. Stronger immune systems, not sure if that is... Sorry. Must

have misred - got confused with my Grazia Magazine. They have got so

much more to do - the cooking, the cleaning - they can't be going down

with the flu. Who would cook the dinner? Women don't get as many

colds as men do because their immune system is much stronger.

are just better. They could have written it in one line - women are

better. That would have been it. would like to answer this... When

you are ill, no-one believes that you are. So there is a whole

opportunity for the drugs industry. You need drugs that mike you look

iller. Lemsip Max, increases the symptoms of flu. Five years longer?

They get to stop work five years earlier. Not for long. She will be

lying in the coffin and it will be like, "He ain't really dead. Look

at him laying in there, all pasty and dead, it is because I mentioned

the garden shed needed mending." LAUGHTER Who is the real

powerbroker in parking in this country? Is it NCP? No. Who is the

one single individual who wields more power over parking than anyone

else? Boris Johnson. No. It is according to Parking Review, it is

Hugh Dennis. APPLAUSE It features ten separate photographs of Hugh

Dennis. I did the National Parking Awards. Who wins a National Parking

Award? They did best multi-storey. Have you not done the National

Parking Awards? No. I'm going to seek out the National Parking

Awards. Sorry, when you say "parking" do you mean like in a car

reversing into a slot? Right, OK. Yeah. They have awards and Hugh

hands them out. I gave them all tickets to be honest! LAUGHTER

is not enjoying this. Showaddywaddy, Showaddywaddy, Sepp Blatter, Sepp

Blatter. Why have mother-in-laws been in the news this week? A woman

wrote a letter saying that her daughter-in-law was uncouth and

that the wedding come up, she was uncouth, she ate her dinner from

the wrong side. What? What's that? I don't know. Is there a direction?

You have to go left or right with your dinner? If you like circles,

you start on the left-hand side and make your way across. What? Idiot.

If they put it all... I knew you people were plebs but this is

unbelievable. In the end, we start on the left-hand side and make our

way over to the other. What happens if you don't like the stuff on the

left-hand side? Well, you are in trouble! What if you have pasta and

it seems to be coming from over there? No, no. I'm not solving

problems, I am explaining things. Your pork chop is there and your

potatoes are there, you have to eat your pork chop first and the

potatoes afterwards? Optional the potatoes. As long as you have

started on the left everyone goes... LAUGHTER What if it is soup?

APPLAUSE Yes. A lady called Carolyn Bourne sent an e-mail to a future

daughter-in-law. A lady called Heidi Withers. She accused her for

being very uncouth and it was graceful that she had never sent a

thank you card for staying and said essentially that you shouldn't get

married in a castle unless you live in one. If you live in a castle you

get married in St Paul's Cathedral. You do, yeah. You live in a castle,

you can get married... Mwah-ha-ha! He lures me in! I love the Count.

Mwah-ha-ha! They then asked them for comments afterwards and nobody

said anything, the bride and groom haven't apart from her father who

came out with the great quote which was that woman basically she's got

her head so far up her arse she doesn't know whether to speak or

fart. This is the bloke who has to make a speech at the wedding. If he

is saying that now, get a ticket for that reception. It is nice to

see a mother like looking after her son. When ever I go out with girls

my mum takes the side of the girl. I was going out with a girl and it

was quite difficult and I don't normally do it, I looked on her

phone, I found a text message from my mum saying, "You deserve

better." Etiquette in other people's houses is very difficult.

As a child, genuinely, I used to get very confused when I said you

must not eat with your mouth open. I genuinely thought, how do you get

the food in? There was that ludicrous thing when you are eating

soup you are meant to push the spoon away from and you think my

mouth is here, why am I, what is that about? If you go to someone's

house for dinner and you go upstairs and you lay a massive log

in the toilet that won't go down, what is the etiquette then?

break it down with a brush! LAUGHTER You do battle with it.

like soup you push away, you push away all the time. APPLAUSE Thanks.

If you go to the loo and you find there is a massive log already in

it. What do you do then? You walk out and go, "Who left this

disgraceful thing in there?" I had to beat someone else's massive log

to death before I could go back downstairs for fear that they would

think I had left the log. They are all looking at you normally apart

from one person going, "You have destroyed my log." "You and I know

both what I did there and you can never tell anyone. I am the winner

here. Mwah-ha-ha!" Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See so if

everyone can go over to the performance area, please? Here we

go. If you do that in as locking as shambolic way as possible... Of

course, we will get them to do it all again. Now we come to Scenes

We'd Like To See. We will see what our panellists can come up with. If

you can manage to do that less sarcastically... Now we come to

Scenes We'd Like To See so if everyone could make their way over

to the performance area, please? LAUGHTER We'll do it again. Walk

like you are naturally walking into the position. That is my normal

walk. Two inches that way. I'll give you two inches. Thank you.

Appreciate it. Here we go, the first subject is unlikely things to

hear on a history documentary. BUZZER SOUNDS Sorry. Apologies. My

fault. Sorry. Do you want to walk back out again? Sorry. It is still

you, no-one will step in. Go back. Sorry. Itchy trigger finger. Thank

you very much. Very important that that part of my head looks

fantastic at all times. That is why I plucked all the hair off to make

sure it receives all the attention it deserves. Wayne Rooney is a

pussy! OK. At the end of that round, a point to Alun, Hugh and Milton.

If we do it again without you whining like a locking child. Go

back there. Is it how many matches has Novak Djokovic lost in the last

year? Do you want to do that again? Is it how many matches has Novak

Djokovic lost in the last 12 months. That will do fine. This year, sorry.

It is this year. I thought a year was 12 months. LAUGHTER Sorry if I

misunderstood. This year, 2011. We are only in the middle of this year,

Hugh. So don't get picky with me. wasn't aware you were using the

Gregorian calendar. Is it... Unless people are watching this on Dave.

In which case it happened many decades ago. Let's see if it is OK

to resume living on the surface. it how many matches Novak Djokovic

lost in the year of our Lord 2011? LAUGHTER This week's clip features

Nick Clegg and David Cameron. are you talking about? I know. You

will love this one. Well done, Hugh. APPLAUSE By the way, the scheme we

have here to boost the self- confidence of members of the team,

randomly I say well done and people clap. I have a star chart in make-

up! Why has Cheryl Cole been in the news? He has a really good PR

agency. I met her once, the blonde boozey one is gas, even the weird

porcelain one, she is fun as well, but she is just... Dara has gone.

In the eyes... A shark! The next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear On

A TV Talent Show. Tonight, I'm going to be climbing a Sepp Blatter.

You're right, I can't sing! Thanks. I'd like to dedicate this song to a

friend of mine who was run over last week and is in hospital.

# The wheels of the bus # Go round and round... #

I have an ability that no-one on this planet has. That's Ant, that's

Dec. It was like Elvis was in the building. You're fat and there's a

stench of death. Peter, it is not what everyone would call

entertainment but you are one hell of an assassin. I thought you hit

the high notes really well, it will be interesting to see if you can do

that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp. Hello. Where's my

double act partner? He's in here. # Feelings

# Nothing more than feelings... # When you said you were going to

ride a donkey, what... Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once

trapped in somebody else's underpants going,

# Feeling... # That was an exceptional performance.

The way you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational.

This is a chip shop. The X Factor auditions are next door. I'm going

to be honest, I think you are all terrible, OK. You from dreadful. I

don't know what you are doing, especially you, Hasselhoff, what

have you done since Baywatch? think you can go the whole way and

if you do, I'm quite likely to put you in the final. I know you said

you were a Gary Glitter tribute act. We weren't expecting you to do

THAT! LAUGHTER I'm Tom and this is Dave, my dancing guinea pig. Play

music! Play the music! OK. The next topic is unlikely lines from a

superhero film. Worry not, Procrastination Man is here. Where

is everybody? What is with all the blood? HE WHISTLES Catwoman, what

did I tell you about not shitting in next door's garden? I am Big

Society Man. I could do it for you, but I would rather you do it

yourself. Prepare to meet a new breed of sex-change superhero in

the Ex Men. Yes, I do believe a man can fly but only if he is carrying

under a hundred mills. I am Parking Review Man. Where's my cheque?

Hyperman. I'm like Superman only... Oh. I'm Hyperman. I'm like Superman

only... LAUGHTER I'm Hyperman. I'm like Superman only I'm bigger and I

sell tellies. Worth a trip twice I think! LAUGHTER Just call the

police. I'm sexist, racist and I drive like an arsehole. I'm 'white

van man'. What use is a spider's web against me, Duster Man and

Hoover Boy? Hello. I'm Batman Biggins. Oh. The next topic is...

had a really good one. Go on. Shall I do... Yes. This is part of