Episode 7 Mock the Week


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Episode 7

Dara O Briain, Hugh Dennis, Andy Parsons and Chris Addison laugh at another week's news with guests Nathan Caton, Micky Flanagan and Stewart Francis.


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This programme contains some strong Hello, welcome to Mock the Week.

:00:41.:00:47.

I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton,

:00:48.:00:55.

Micky Flanagan, Stewart Francis, Hugh Dennis, Chris Addison.

:00:55.:01:00.

We start as ever with Headliners. Here's the Prime Minister speaking

:01:00.:01:04.

Here's the Prime Minister speaking recently. What does CATL stand for?

:01:04.:01:14.
:01:14.:01:15.

recently. What does CATL stand for? Has he gone really street, Is it

:01:15.:01:23.

C&A totally looted? Is it a lot of the stores that were looted that

:01:23.:01:27.

Cameron has never set foot in in his life, Costcutter, Argos,

:01:27.:01:37.
:01:37.:01:39.

Tesco's, Lidl? Is it Cameron attempts tit lunge? Samantha...

:01:39.:01:45.

looks like he's dancing, Cameron attempts the lambada? Is it

:01:45.:01:51.

Cameron's a to theer, LOL. APPLAUSE

:01:51.:02:00.

Or is it much, much more simple. Is he going "Carrots and toms, lovely.

:02:00.:02:05.

"Is it in fact, couldn't arrange a turd in a lavatory.

:02:05.:02:13.

APPLAUSE Do you often find yourselves

:02:13.:02:19.

arranging turdz in a lavatory. Well that has come out at entirely the

:02:19.:02:23.

wrong angle. Pass me the turd wrangling implement. The correct

:02:23.:02:27.

answer please. Is it Cameron advocates tough love. Thank you

:02:27.:02:34.

very much Hugh Dennis. Yes, the answer was Cameron

:02:34.:02:38.

advocates tough love. This is that David Cameron said those involved

:02:38.:02:44.

in the riots needed tough love as he promised to deal with the

:02:44.:02:47.

estimated 120,000 problem families. The Prime Minister pledged to fund

:02:47.:02:50.

help for these families whilst continuing to be tough on those who

:02:50.:02:54.

have broken the law. Now we can talk about the riots, we're off air

:02:54.:02:59.

for a number of weeks. It's difficult to conflate the stories.

:02:59.:03:03.

News Of The World got shut down because somebody's telephone got

:03:03.:03:08.

broken and they wents on a rampage, the staff. They trashed London.

:03:08.:03:10.

Because of that Gaddafi's gone. That's the gist. That's what

:03:10.:03:16.

happened during the summer. What happened was the police, they shot

:03:16.:03:21.

dead a man in Tottenham. That led to a lot of resentment in Tottenham.

:03:21.:03:25.

And in Croydon, and in parts of Birmingham...

:03:25.:03:28.

LAUGHTER And specifically in Miss Shelf

:03:28.:03:33.

ridges in Manchester. A lot of anger at that guy. The only way

:03:33.:03:36.

they could cope with that resentment was to take home a new

:03:36.:03:42.

pair of trainers. It wasn't just that one issue, though. The

:03:42.:03:47.

reporters were saying, people were saying "This is a protest." One

:03:47.:03:51.

rioter was asked "Why are you rioting." He said "Well, this is

:03:51.:04:00.

the Iraq war, isn't it." That was eight years ago! They looted a

:04:00.:04:04.

Tesco Metro. The picture on the internet of this young guy posing

:04:04.:04:12.

with what he had stolen. It was a massive bag of Tesco value basmati

:04:12.:04:17.

rice. I'm not the coolest person in the world but I'm sure that basmati

:04:17.:04:26.

rice isn't massive on the street. I've heard people go "Weed... Crack

:04:26.:04:35.

"I've never heard someone go "Psst... Basmati?" If you cut it

:04:35.:04:39.

with pilau... LAUGHTER

:04:39.:04:44.

Imagine he's going to the shelves, "I've got to get some cumin man."

:04:44.:04:49.

On the local news website there was a girl who said "I heard they were

:04:49.:04:53.

going to smash Primark and burn it. I didn't go in. I'm banned from

:04:53.:04:59.

Primark. " That's what we need, law abiding

:04:59.:05:06.

looters. In Chiswick, one shop in Chiswick boarded themselves up,

:05:06.:05:13.

just one. It was a snappy snaps. They boarded themselves up, because

:05:13.:05:17.

they thought we're obviously, people are going to go "Jigsaws

:05:17.:05:25.

with children's faces on them!" Mouse mats! They put a sign up

:05:25.:05:29.

saying "Still open for business". But why don't you take a photograph

:05:29.:05:33.

of the shop print it massively, stick it on the board and then you

:05:33.:05:38.

look like you're open for business. George Michael would still hit it.

:05:38.:05:42.

My favourite comments on the riots came from Hazel Blears on Sky TV.

:05:42.:05:46.

She said she didn't know why the kids weren't in school, forgetting

:05:46.:05:51.

it was usually happening in an evening in August.

:05:51.:05:54.

LAUGHTER Sadly missed in Government that

:05:54.:06:00.

woman, isn't she? Do you not think the punishment should fit the crime.

:06:00.:06:04.

If you rob an electrical store like Currys, you should be fined, but

:06:04.:06:08.

pay nothing this year? LAUGHTER

:06:08.:06:14.

24-monthly installments. If you're looting from Currys you will get

:06:14.:06:19.

done 90 quid for the three year extended warn ti. I was a victim of

:06:19.:06:25.

the looting. You know Peckham is near where I live. Not that near...

:06:25.:06:34.

I've done OK. So, but it is close enough that we could see the flames.

:06:34.:06:38.

And the next night I went down my off license to get some cans of

:06:38.:06:44.

beer. Shut up. I passed four. I thought this cannot be tolerated.

:06:44.:06:49.

It's affecting ordinary working people now. I just caved his

:06:49.:06:58.

windows in and took a few cans. APPLAUSE

:06:58.:07:04.

Did you see the geezer who bent over in fronts of about 500 coppers,

:07:04.:07:11.

mooned them, not only that, pulled the checks of his cheeks apart. All

:07:11.:07:16.

these coppers thinking... I should have worked harder at school, I

:07:16.:07:22.

really should. These coppers not looking at their truncheon going

:07:22.:07:31.

"If only I could." I think the tough love thing might work though.

:07:31.:07:35.

Not the tough, but the love. If I was a teenager who had been looting,

:07:35.:07:39.

I would stop doing whatever I was doing if there was any prospects of

:07:39.:07:42.

David Cameron coming round and loving me.

:07:42.:07:48.

David Cameron said he wanted the police to be able to have water

:07:48.:07:51.

cannon and plastic bullets at their disposal. They're very different

:07:51.:07:56.

things there. I've always quite liked the idea of water cannon. I'm

:07:56.:08:01.

sure it's painful, but it looks like it might be a bit of a laugh.

:08:01.:08:07.

A bit like Thorpe Park extreme, without having to pay the �30. The

:08:07.:08:11.

bloke bending down parting his arse cheeks, he could get some colonic

:08:11.:08:17.

irrigation. APPLAUSE

:08:17.:08:20.

A lot of people will be cleaning their riot shields carefully after

:08:20.:08:29.

that. Water cannon and rubber bullets are

:08:29.:08:32.

incredibly violet. They're used in the north. They're not good things

:08:32.:08:37.

though they sound like fun. Oh, no they've taken over the bouncy

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castle, get out the rubber bullets. Oh, water cannon, oh, I have a wet

:08:43.:08:49.

T-shirt, sexy time. They have too much technology. When I was a kid,

:08:49.:08:52.

which wasn't all that long ago. We didn't even have phones. We had

:08:52.:08:57.

house phones. I couldn't go to my family and ask to use the house

:08:57.:09:03.

phone to call my friends. My family look at me and go "Phone a friend?

:09:03.:09:08.

Phone a friend? We look like Chris Tarrant?"

:09:08.:09:18.
:09:18.:09:18.

LAUGHTER Yeah, all right, we're having a

:09:19.:09:26.

riot. We're going to take down the system - go away! Stop listening in

:09:26.:09:32.

on my conversation. I hate you.

:09:32.:09:36.

My old man would be "Come on, how long does it take to organise a

:09:36.:09:43.

bleeding riot. Do you know how much it cost that phone?" Why has the

:09:43.:09:47.

sentencing been criticised? It's been incredibly harsh. People have

:09:47.:09:50.

been sent away for saying there was going to be a riot. That was

:09:50.:09:56.

ridiculous. If that is a case that's at least four years' each

:09:56.:10:02.

for each of the Kaiser Chiefs. As their lawyer, I would like to

:10:02.:10:07.

point out they only predicted a riot. One young man was sentenced

:10:07.:10:13.

to 16 months in prison for looting a Boots. That's the bad news. The

:10:13.:10:17.

good news, what he stole was lubricant.

:10:17.:10:21.

LAUGHTER I always like a happy ending, don't

:10:21.:10:31.
:10:31.:10:40.

you? How bad is the sex industry now that you are the

:10:40.:10:42.

representative? You think the Kaiser Chiefs can't afford a better

:10:42.:10:49.

lawyer than you? Fair point. OK, at the end of that round the points go

:10:49.:10:53.

to Chris, Hugh and Stuart. Now we play a round called Rise of

:10:53.:10:59.

the planet of the Japes. This involves Andy, Stuart and Nathan.

:10:59.:11:02.

Make your way to the performance area please. I launch a wheel of

:11:02.:11:06.

news, wherever it stops, one of our performers must step forward and

:11:06.:11:09.

talk about that subjects. The winner is whoever I think is the

:11:09.:11:19.

funniest. Here we go. The first subject is... The economy.

:11:19.:11:22.

Now, the economy not going very well is it, apparently a lot of

:11:23.:11:27.

people are having to shop in cheaper supermarkets. You can

:11:27.:11:29.

understand why Waitrose might want to consider their price structure.

:11:29.:11:35.

I was in there recently, �8 for a chicken. And what's their slogan,

:11:35.:11:41.

never knowingly undersold. Where do they do their price compare sons?

:11:41.:11:46.

Not a supermarket -- a lot of supermarkets you can get �2 for --

:11:46.:11:51.

two chickens for �2. It might not be the same quality. You could

:11:51.:11:55.

chuck six chickens away and you'd still be a chicken up.

:11:55.:12:00.

I've done the maths for you ladies and gentlemen. Waitrose have

:12:00.:12:06.

introduced a new own-brand range Essential. I bet you would like to

:12:06.:12:14.

know what they regard as essential. Cherry cheesecake. Roast vegetable

:12:14.:12:20.

couscous, essential. I was in the wilderness for 40 days and 40

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nights, I only had the bare essentials... Mixed leaf salad,

:12:26.:12:30.

Italian mozarella and a vanilla candle. Praise the Lord!

:12:30.:12:38.

APPLAUSE Let's spin the wheel again. The

:12:38.:12:46.

subject is the older generation. Older generation, I've got a very

:12:46.:12:49.

eccentric grandma. Recently she's been getting involved in my love

:12:49.:12:51.

life, right. Obviously not too involved...

:12:51.:12:58.

LAUGHTER She got in my bedroom going "Go on

:12:58.:13:03.

Nathan. That's my boy." Whenever I go to my grandma's house she's like

:13:03.:13:08.

"You have a girlfriend?" She's very old school. She doesn't realise the

:13:08.:13:14.

world we live in is multiactual churl. She's like "Make sure, make

:13:14.:13:19.

sure west Indian. There will be no white girl in my house." That's a

:13:19.:13:25.

problem. I like black girls. I like white girls. If you have got a

:13:25.:13:33.

vagina and a Nando's loyalty card... You're cool.

:13:33.:13:37.

I don't care about skin and colour. I like black girls, white girls.

:13:37.:13:42.

Chocolate is delicious, tasty and sweet, but milk is good for you. I

:13:42.:13:46.

said that to my grandma and she went "Not when you're lactose

:13:46.:13:54.

intolerant." APPLAUSE

:13:54.:13:57.

That leaves us with Stuart. Let's see what topic you've been left

:13:57.:14:03.

with. Spin the wheel. The topic is family.

:14:03.:14:10.

I heard that my sister's into bestiality, I'll be a monkey's

:14:10.:14:17.

uncle. APPLAUSE

:14:17.:14:22.

Threw no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree.

:14:22.:14:29.

He's still bitter and twisted. My other uncle, who's missing

:14:29.:14:35.

around arm, hates the way I mock him.

:14:35.:14:43.

APPLAUSE Doesn't like when I show off.

:14:43.:14:48.

My older brother's an expert on ereck tile dysfunction. He's now

:14:48.:14:53.

semi-retired. I don't like the way my kids are always quick to blame

:14:53.:15:00.

other people. They get their from their mom.

:15:00.:15:08.

I get my tendency to gouch from my mum. I got my father's eyes.

:15:08.:15:14.

LAUGHTER I first heard my real parents were

:15:14.:15:18.

budgies, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

:15:18.:15:23.

APPLAUSE Point sto Stuart there. Thank you

:15:23.:15:32.

The next round is called if this is the answer, what is the question?

:15:32.:15:37.

On the board are six categories. Nathan which would you like? I'll

:15:37.:15:43.

go for sport please. OK. The answer is seven. What is the question?

:15:43.:15:47.

Erm... How many coffee breaks can Usain Bolt have during the 200

:15:47.:15:53.

metres and still win comfortably? Is it the age I was when I lost my

:15:53.:16:02.

virginity? That goes out to be Father Sharkey! Is it if he's in a

:16:02.:16:08.

hurry what does James Bond say his number is? Is it, what should never

:16:08.:16:11.

come after the word "harper" to form a girl's name?

:16:11.:16:19.

APPLAUSE It is a shocking name, Harper Seven.

:16:19.:16:28.

It sounds like a Yorkshire bloke trying to say 7.30. Harper Seven.

:16:28.:16:32.

Is it what the maximum number of legs a spider can have and still

:16:32.:16:39.

qualify for the Paralympics? Is it how many million people are hoping

:16:39.:16:45.

Beyonce's baby looks more like her and less like Jay-Z? Is it the

:16:45.:16:48.

number of times Ashley Cole's going to have to cheat on Cheryl before

:16:48.:16:56.

she finally tells him to fuck off. Do you know the correct answer?

:16:56.:17:01.

it the number of medals Britain won at the international athletics

:17:01.:17:04.

competition in the last week? Congratulations, very good. That's

:17:04.:17:11.

exactly right. The answer is seven, the question I

:17:11.:17:16.

was looking for is how many medals have Great Britain and Northern

:17:17.:17:24.

Ireland win in Daegu. Team GB bracket, plus NI closed bracket,

:17:24.:17:28.

won seven medals and finishing in sixth place in the medal table. Due

:17:28.:17:32.

enjoy the Games? I thought it was great. We got our medal Tali. The

:17:32.:17:36.

worry is whether we'll get it in the Olympics. But everyone will run

:17:36.:17:42.

faster in the Olympics. You do when you have got a gang of teenagers

:17:42.:17:46.

chasing you. Is it how many penises are under this desk right now?

:17:46.:17:56.
:17:56.:17:57.

APPLAUSE I hate to disappoint you. Why did

:17:57.:18:01.

Usain Bolt make headlines during the championships? He was working

:18:01.:18:08.

as an inturn at the -- intern at the Daily Mail. Really? Do you

:18:08.:18:13.

really think he would be an intern? Yeah, he's the box ticked. He false

:18:13.:18:19.

started in the 100 metres. Why is it strange, is it a rule change?

:18:20.:18:24.

Because you obl get one false start and you're out. The reason is they

:18:24.:18:28.

want to keep it to TV schedules to go to the advert break. Now the

:18:28.:18:32.

choice is you either see Usain Bolt within a world record or you go and

:18:32.:18:39.

see the fat bloke doing the Compare ads. People go on about the 100

:18:39.:18:44.

metres. They can run, they can run 100 metres in under ten seconds. I

:18:44.:18:50.

can have sex in under ten seconds, where's my medal! All I get is tuts

:18:50.:18:56.

and disappointment. It isn't the quickness of the sex, it's the fact

:18:56.:19:00.

you insist on a medal every time. It's just because I make her stand

:19:00.:19:07.

up for the National Anthem. Is it not because there's as many

:19:07.:19:12.

false starts. You're only allowed one false start. That's age, innit?

:19:12.:19:14.

We're back to the relay tomorrow. OK, so...

:19:14.:19:20.

LAUGHTER I seem to have fumbled it. Handing

:19:20.:19:24.

over the baton's going to be nasty. What is making a return to the

:19:25.:19:29.

classroom? School children? Yes, well specifically school children,

:19:29.:19:34.

that would be very topical. But what are teachers now allowed to

:19:34.:19:43.

do? Punch them in the face? Hit them in the bollocks? No, they're

:19:43.:19:48.

not allowed to hurt the children. They are allowed to separate if

:19:48.:19:51.

there's a fight for example. They're allowed physically interact

:19:51.:19:54.

with the children. Punch them in the face isn't specifically what

:19:54.:20:01.

they're allowed to do. We used to have a judo teacher, he was from

:20:01.:20:07.

China... Before you start this... Come here, you naughty boy! He

:20:07.:20:13.

would get his hand and pull his finger back and smack you on the

:20:13.:20:19.

forehead, pinging awe cross the classroom. This is absolutely true.

:20:19.:20:27.

Then he would say "Now sit down you irriot." Your teacher was Bennie

:20:27.:20:35.

hill? You book Micky, you know what you're going to get. You would have

:20:35.:20:42.

a red welt on your forehead. would your school have a judo

:20:42.:20:48.

teacher? He did maths, judo, English. Thursday afternoon, double

:20:48.:20:55.

judo? They've introduced looting now. He was a PE teacher, who was a

:20:55.:21:02.

martial artist. In China, I think he was top man. What are you the

:21:02.:21:08.

karate kid? He's the mild mannered janitor in your school. In China he

:21:08.:21:18.

was a threat to the state. The top man in China when you were growing

:21:18.:21:27.

up was Mao se, tung. I'm overdooing it with the accents I think. I've

:21:27.:21:34.

embellished it for comic purposes. I think they should bring back

:21:34.:21:37.

water boarding. Bring back water board sning It was a tough school I

:21:37.:21:41.

went to. Michael Gove said that there was a

:21:41.:21:46.

problem with kids today because he said most of them can't communicate.

:21:46.:21:50.

They can't use a knife and fork. They can't even go to the toilet.

:21:50.:21:55.

Which makes you think he's possibly talking about the House of Lords or

:21:55.:21:58.

professional footballers still open to these children. They say they

:21:58.:22:03.

can't use a knife and fork, they can definitely use a knife. He was

:22:03.:22:06.

saying that young kids don't know how to sit and listen properly. I

:22:06.:22:12.

thought he's never been on a bus between 3.30pm and 5pm in the

:22:12.:22:16.

afternoon, when all kids do at the back of the bus and all you can

:22:16.:22:22.

hear is ( incomprehensible ) I've been to Southampton, but I've never

:22:23.:22:27.

been to Scunthorpe. They know how to listen. What unlikely figures

:22:27.:22:30.

are going to be teaching in the classrooms? Soldiers, ex-military.

:22:30.:22:34.

The advantage I suppose of getting the military in school is if you

:22:34.:22:39.

have unruly pupils you can illegally render them to different

:22:39.:22:43.

school. I understand the need to use violent, heartless bastards to

:22:43.:22:47.

terrify the kids into submission, but don't we already have Catholic

:22:47.:22:56.

schools. APPLAUSE

:22:56.:23:00.

At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stuart.

:23:00.:23:06.

APPLAUSE Now we come to scenes we'd like to

:23:06.:23:10.

see. If you can make your way to the performance area. I'll read out

:23:10.:23:13.

this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up

:23:13.:23:19.

with. Here we go. The first subject is...

:23:19.:23:23.

Unlikely lines from children's books.

:23:23.:23:33.
:23:33.:23:34.

Yes, it is sad, I used to be on Top Gear said Stig of the dump.

:23:34.:23:44.
:23:44.:23:46.

Jack do you have any more of those beans? A Stringfellow, what's a

:23:46.:23:50.

Stringfellow? A Stringfellow, didn't you know it has tanned

:23:50.:23:57.

leather skin, a massive libido, bad 80s hair and a grin like a peedyo.

:23:58.:24:02.

APPLAUSE -- Paedo. This little piggy went to

:24:03.:24:10.

market. This little piggy stayed at home. And this little piggy went...

:24:10.:24:17.

And died horribly of swine flu. Let's learn the alphabet. A is for

:24:17.:24:27.
:24:27.:24:29.

adopted, like you. B is for... Basmati. And as Eyeore put the

:24:29.:24:39.
:24:39.:24:46.

LAUGHTER No, I don't think you should shave

:24:46.:24:54.

Bilbo, said Frodo. Those feet need waxing.

:24:54.:24:59.

Yes, yes grandma, what a big TV screen you've got. Said little red

:24:59.:25:09.

riding hoodie. Who's been sleeping in my bed, said

:25:09.:25:14.

daddy bear. Well, said mummy bear, it's been your brother Ryan and

:25:14.:25:20.

he's a much better shag than you are.

:25:20.:25:27.

I want to go to not nam, said Max. That's Where the Wild Things Are.

:25:27.:25:33.

( Tottenham) The lion, the witch and the wardrobe, or as we like to

:25:33.:25:42.

call them, the Sugababes. Once upon a time, in a far away

:25:42.:25:49.

land, there was a handsome young Prince named Dara.

:25:49.:25:59.
:25:59.:26:00.

LAUGHTER Where's Gaddafi? The railway

:26:00.:26:07.

children Jess tick lated wildly at the driver "You've left us behind

:26:07.:26:13.

you wanker!" Oh, dear, said postman Pat, I've just had sex with my cat

:26:13.:26:19.

Jess. I should have gone to Specsavers.

:26:19.:26:25.

APPLAUSE So Emily learned, if she'd have

:26:25.:26:33.

been a nicer little girl, mummy and daddy would never have got divorced.

:26:33.:26:40.

Do you know what, said the very hungy caterpillar, this gat strik -

:26:40.:26:44.

- gastric band has changed my life. The next topic is unlikely things

:26:44.:26:48.

for a sports commentator to say. There's just another Grand Slam

:26:48.:26:56.

victory for Andy Murray. And now we come to the javelin. If

:26:56.:27:05.

you're watching in 3-D, you might want to look away now.

:27:05.:27:05.

And here we are at the women's football, but while we're enjoying

:27:06.:27:09.

the game, spare a thought for the men at home going without dinner

:27:09.:27:18.

this evening. Well, he's stroked that through the

:27:18.:27:26.

covers, surely it would have been easier just to pull back the duvet.

:27:26.:27:30.

Here the British Grand Prix we've had a couple of fatalities, yes two

:27:31.:27:38.

of the crowd have died of boredom. Lewis Hamilton is three seconds

:27:38.:27:43.

ahead, but there's trouble at turn 17, as dastardly and muttly have

:27:43.:27:51.

dug a pit. I'm here at the green court bowls.

:27:51.:27:59.

And I've started cutting myself. LAUGHTER

:27:59.:28:04.

He got the right hook in. He's got the left hook in. He's finally

:28:04.:28:09.

finished put up those curtains! Well, welcome back after the break,

:28:09.:28:13.

you haven't missed much, just the entire Indian innings.

:28:13.:28:23.
:28:23.:28:24.

APPLAUSE Let's go back to Henley where Clare

:28:24.:28:32.

Balding is standing with two Cox. There's Rio Ferdinand, what a

:28:32.:28:36.

tackle, but enough from me, I should let these lads continue

:28:36.:28:42.

getting changed. Alex furgfurg has substituted Wayne

:28:42.:28:45.

Rooney, not the first time Rooney has been pulled off by a 69-year-

:28:45.:28:50.

old. APPLAUSE

:28:50.:28:56.

Well, what a result, the UK Somalian has beat America's Kenyan

:28:56.:29:02.

to show that the Africans aren't going to have it all their own way.

:29:02.:29:06.

Thanks for all those fantastic statistics there Motty, now go and

:29:06.:29:14.

get a locking life. OK. Points go to Micky, Nathan and

:29:14.:29:20.

Andy. And that is the end of the show.

:29:20.:29:22.