Episode 8 Mock the Week

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this

week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal, Miles Jupp Chris Addison, Hugh

Dennis and Carl Donnelly. We start with a round called

Headliners. Here is a picture of the Chancellor of the Exchequer,

George Osborne, pounding the streets, recently. What does CFIP

stand for? It is just a list of things affected by the cuts, is it

children, families, industry, people? Is it in fact his security

code name, Charlie Foxtrot irritating PRICK? Is it chipolata

found in pocket? Is it the recipe he is thinking of cooking that

night? Is it Cava and figure infused partridge? Is it cops find

iPhone pervert? I reckon it must be clever fellow in plimpsols? Is it

clammy forehead itchy privates, what everyone finds when they are

going for a job? Is it all part of a health regime, is it Chancellor

finger inspects prostate. All men of a certain age should

have their prostate checked. That is something that we at Mock The

Week support! APPLAUSE. I need the correct answer? Is it

Chancellor, fleas, immense pigeon? It is more done than that.

OK, it is Chancellor faces increased pressure.

It is close enough. That will do fine. Well done.

Yes, I was looking for Chancellor facing increasing pressure. This is

the news that George Osborne is under scrutiny as the British

economy fails to improve. He faces calls for an implementation of

banking reforms and the renew the argument over the 50 pence tax rate.

Have the bankers been let off the hook? Kind of. It is all about them

ring-fencing it is the most dangerous event at the Olympics.

LAUGHTER. I am totally representing Britain!

Basically, the gist of this, this is what I could come up for with

banking reform. There is the retailer half and the investment

half. There is one biscuit tin. The retailer half take the biscuits

from the biscuit tin and put more in. The investment half use the

biscuit tin to take the biscuits out and lure children into

paedophilia. What we are saying is that must

stop. In eighth years' time you have to buy your own biscuits. That

is the banking reform. Eight year is too long for banking

reform. Let them do it for two years, for every day they go over

that, charge them a tern and send them a letter! APPLAUSE.

The thing is, we get wound up about it, but none of us ever change

banks, do we? We could easily change banks, why did you change

yours? I went to Lloyds, they would not accept my passport as a form of

identification. I went in there with an Irish passport, the man

said, "I don't think so ." The showed him a visa to China, he said,

no way. I said that the Chinese government

accepted it. It is the best way to stop the

bankers, to make them, every time they want to do seeing, to go

through a pass word check and the question, is what is their mother's

maiden name, they would never be able to answer it, they are all

bastards. It is amazing how many people's

pass word in Britain, their pass word is pass word. If you ever want

to crack a code, try pass word as the first one.

Why would anybody have a pass word as the pass word. Mine is 6791.

That is easier to remember, thank you very much.

Vince Cable is not happy with any of the eight-year time frames for

anything. He is worried he will be dead! I was merely going to say not

re-elected but dead is harsh. Why has George Osborne been dragged

into the phone hacking scandal? was involved it in -- in it from

the beginning! APPLAUSE. He was formerly friends with

someone who ran a prostitutiondies Beverly Hughes business. This lady

claims that she and George Osborne took cocaine together.

A claim that he denies. He denies taking prostitute's

cocaine. He denies it. She linked him in

how? Her number was in Glenn Mulcaire, the private investigator

engaged by the News of the World to listen in to everyone in the

country's phone calls, it was found in his file.

This woman ran a high-class escort service and nobody asked her what

she thought of the 50 pence tax rate. So if anyone feels that there

is something wrong with that, who after half an hour must feel, that

they are doing this for the Government now.

Wasn't there an agency called Black Beauties.

What are you looking at me like that for? I thought you would find

it more polite. I am happy to look over at Chris.

I said it was called Black Beauties, you looked at me like I was going

to confess something. As soon as you said Black Beauties,

we all slowly turned away, like the scene in Twelve Angry Men.

It is amazing what they found out with the phone hacking. If you have

something to say that is important, you don't tend to Tel Aviv on the

Ansar phone. You don't text that you have booked all of the Nazi

prostitutes in uniforms that they are buried at the bottom of the

garden, hope nobody finds out about this, call me back.

It is the kind of story you expect to see,, "Hugh Grant's girlfriend

is on the train, she will be home in half an hour "Hugh Grant's mum

says she doesn't want to talk about such things, she will put her dad

on. Sienna Miller had her phone hacked and had messages deleted.

Who cares? I mean it is not as if she missed out on Hollywood film

rolls. And Rebekah Brooks being married to

Ross Kemp and she beat him up. That is a sad day when you have to go

around visiting gangs all over the world because it is safer than

going home! There was another one this week? There was.

It was David Blunkett. When they know it was him, they

could tell as there was a phone answered by a dog, saying it was

for Dave, mate. Surely, you could not hack him, you

could just sneak up and stand next to him! APPLAUSE.

And the amount of fake photographs of him doing cocaine. In any social

situation, take a plate and fill it with cocaine... But it was mundane,

people did not change the codes, the argument was it was there.

I think it is great that people do not change codes, mine is 6791.

is the year you were born, 61, followed by the year you lost your

virgin ity, 91! Well, I am pleased about that, you made it slightly

younger than I really am And you have had sex at least once!

points go to Miles and Andy. Now, we play a round called David

wal yams Swims Through Muck. This game, where we stop we have to have

a member to step forward and talk about that subject.

The first subject is kids, who wants to go in? Ava? What kids want

to wear is shocking and scary. As a parent of a teenage daughter I must

be vigilant. My daughter was sneaking out with a long coat on,

it was done up to the top. The women laughing now are slags!

Essentially, what that means is that you are going out half naked

you don't want your mum to see the outfit. I told her to open the coat.

I said there was no way in hello are leaving the house dressed like

that. It was squeezed, her body into a Lycra dress, I said, could

she borrow that! But you have to be vigilant. You have to warn your

kids about the dangers out there. I warned my daughter, she then told

me she was not scared of a weirdo paedo, that shes with more likely

to be sexually abused at home that is ridiculous, I don't find that

girl attractive at all! LAUGHTER! APPLAUSE.

OK. Let's spin the wheel again. And the subject is health. Miles?

have had a recent experience of the medical profession. My wife and I

had a home birth. If you mention the idea of a home birth to the

people of an older generation, they are instantly terrified, but that

is a general thing like racism and not indicating on roundabouts, but

I myself I was, I have to say, nervy about the idea. I thought is

the sittingroom the safest place to have a newborn child. I did think,

though, that it would be a great community to get new carpets. Take

advantage of our home an couldn'tents policy! I waited until

the head was showing, you have to be sensitive. Then I tipped t her

into the next room to get on the phone with the insurance people. I

was excited, giving the measurements, I had done them

months ago, but they ask a lot of questions. They wanted to know why

my wife had attempted to give birth in every room in the house.

Thank you very much. APPLAUSE.

That leaves with us Carl. Let's spin the wheel.

The subject is marriage. Away you I recently got married. It is OK.

People moon about it, I think it is good. The only downside is that I

get extra guilty when I mess up. I didn't know about this. I learned

it two weeks after I got married, I accidentally punched my wife in the

face. I am not making light of domestic violence. She was making

me a cup of tea. It was her round. I was sitting in the front room

watching TV. I was having a fight with a fly. It happened forefive

minutes. It disappeared. She came back with the teas. You give tiv --

give it five minutes to cool. The tea is ready to go. She leans for a

sip, I don't see that, then I spot the fly. He is coming from the

corner of the room. I think I am playing it cool. When he gets to

there, I'm going to go... PUNCH I am so in the zone. I don't see the

wife leaning into the flight path she leans in for her first sip of

tea, out of know where I go... PUNCH. I punch her clean on the

cheek. She has made me a lovely cup of tea. She is crying on the sofa.

I started crying I have punched my new wife. It took me five minutes

to calm her down to explain about the fly, to this day I just can't

believe she bought it! APPLAUSE. Our next round is called If This Is

Answer... What Is The Question. On the board are six cat goirs. Miles

which category would you like? and-a-half weeks. Is the answer how

early before Wayne Rooney asks is this tapeded to my head? Is it what

is the age of Lidl whisky? This whisky is from late June.

Is it how long will we all get to enjoy retirement for before we die

under the new pension rules? Is it what is the amount of time before

Kerry Katona earning a massive amount of money and declaring

herself brunt again? -- bankrupt again. Is it what is the previous

10,000 metre record before Mo Farah came along? Is it how long does the

Queen train her Corgis to ride in a motorcycle pyramid. Is it how long

is Doctor Who's Tajer? Good space timework there.

The correct answer? Is it after what delay will easyJet give you a

�50 voucher? The correct answer? it what the teacher said when the

boy called Weeks got six-and-a- half... Is it how long will the

rugby World Cup last for? Thank you very much, Andy! Yes, the question

I was looking for is what is the duration of the rugby World Cup

that is currently taking place in New Zealand. The host nation kicked

off on Friday with a Tonga. It broke up six-and-a-half weeks later.

Why so long? Because that is the amount of time it takes! There you

go. That is that issued settled. If we could only be this clear on the

issue of the economy. Is it how much of the last five

years can Charlie Sheen remember? don't get rugby. I think rugby is a

mus collar -- muscular form of golf. The rugby World Cup posts the

highest concentration of tragically oppressed homosexuality outside of

the Cabinet meeting. Have you seen the England team are

playing in all black, confuetsing a lot of people, including -- which

is confusing a lot of people, including the New Zealand

supporters who think that their team is shit. I think that England

should do a Morris dance. You can't just pick another

team's... You can't say you have disguised yoifls. Who are you

giving the ball to? It could be me it could be him. Who knows? We are

moving with the wind. What has David Walliams achieved this week?

He has swum down the Thames 150 miles although they released half a

million tonnes of raw sewage into the Thames this week too.

This is not someone with a vent. He has ended up in London swimming

the them it is is very much like politics, you start at Oxford, if

you can swallow nif shit you end up at Westminster! -- if you can

swallow enough shit you end up at Westminster. Well, you get to kiss

a supermodel! She probably asked him to wipe his face.

She's Dutch, she is fine! What did he do on the way? He rescued a dog.

I think he has a dark secret, he is trying to overcompensate for. I

think we have not seen Matt Lucas for a while, I reckon he has killed

him. This dog, though it was supposed to have had a bad hip.

With sessions of hydrotherapy. Did the dog want to be rescued? Maybe

it was a bark for help? In other news, how is the search for Colonel

Muammar Gaddafi going? We have checked under the desk, there is in

sign. My guess is that he is in Madame Tussauds posing as a Gene

Simmons's waxwork. Or weather spoons. He could hang out there,

nobody would bat an eye lid if you walked into weather spoons, there

was a man in a blanket saying he killed people, no-one would bat an

eye lid. He has been spotted in Niger, Burkina Faso and my theory

is he is on a bizarre inter-rail trip.

What has he left behind? Loads of stuff. There has been a property

that has become vacant in Pakistan! We have another dictator who wishs

to move into your area, looking for a family size compound!

favourite picture was the guy with the jet ski, like that guy, he

looks thrilled. How many opportunities does that guy have to

go jet skiing? Look at me, I go jet-skiing! They found a photo

album with Condoleezza Rice in. It was probably a perspective from

Black Beauties! When you rent from Black Beauties, do they do the

theme tune? Is that how you see it, you rent them. Don't forget to

rewind your prostitute before you send her back! Sorry, am I taking

the dignity away from prostitutes! Sorry about that.

I like the side-to-side rocking motion. I suggest that is quite an

unusual technique, but I don't know much about Ireland! APPLAUSE.

The points go to Miles, Ava and Andy.

Now, we come to scenes we would like to see, so make your way over

to the performance area. EI read the top yibs, we see what the

panellists come up with. The first subject is unlikely lines from a

horror film. You have a flat screen TV and brand

new trainers? I Ne What You Did Last Summer.

Hey! I'm sorry it is just you look nothing like the photo in

Match.com! Is there anybody there? Can you hear me? Is there anybody

there? This is the Chris Addison Breakfast Show! Oh,... That was

Mayor Boris Johnson with his official statement on the riots!

Have you seen the traffic? It is a Nightmare On Elm Street! And now

Alan Bennett's long-awaited re make of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the

Nantwich Leaf Blower Kerfuffle! What do you want? What do you want?

No, I'm not paying too much for my car insurance! I ate his liver with

some fava beans and a nice Chianti. So I gave Mark's dinner party an

eight! Do you like scary movies, Sydney? Oh, sorry, is Sydney there,

please? If you don't keep up payments to your Exorcist there is

a danger that your home will be repossessed.

The joke is on you, Dracula, I've got AIDS! I ate his liver with some

jelly beans and a nice um bungow! I've seen The Ring. I wish that

builder would pull his trousers up! I don't have to listen to you, you

are just a puppet. If you don't shut up I'm going to

put your back in your box, Mr Clegg! I'm afraid he's been bitten

by George Michael. He's turned into a Whampire.

The next topic is... Commercials That Never Made It To Air.

Have you got a Wicked side? Then you're a prick. Take two bottles

into the shower, not anymore, I have a proper deal, though.

JD Sports, 2,000 looters can't be wrong! APPLAUSE.

Do you suffer from dull, lifeless hair? Don't worry, Andy Parissons

will buy it off you! -- Andy Parsons. With ABS, sat nav and air

bags this may be the most advanced condom you ever buy. How much did

you say you earned for the Direct Line car insurance adverts? Well,

people deserve to hear about this. Honk, honk, honk, honk.

APPLAUSE. Dara O'Briain, we work, so he

doesn't have to! APPLAUSE.

Cash for cash. Send us your cash in an envelope,

we'll send it back minus the commission! Every year thousands of

bears are captured, tortured and forced to dance in front of

thousands of cheering people. Call 0800 for tickets at hotline.

for cash, put your cremated relatives in an envelope!

Got that bloated feeling? My uncle had that, he was dead in a week.

Smash for cash! Put t in marshed potato in an envelope. Don't just

book it, Thomas Cook it, Dignitas in Switzerland.

Why d do we have barbeques at low, low prices? Because the summer's

been shit and no-one's bought them. At the Dog's Trust we never put

down a healthy dog, but the minute one costs it is in the Thames!

you suffer from unsightly chest hair? Sharehold have gone to Pec

Shavers. Lynx come on, Virgins, wash your cocks! APPLAUSE.

OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Carl!

And that's the end of the show. This week's players were Andy